Futurama s06e08 Episode Script

Cash, cash, cash for your bones! Too many bones? Not enough cash? Call Cash Bone! Ribs, skulls, spines, even certain tiny ear bones.
The leg bone's connected to the Cash Bone! Aw! Nibbler made a bobo for Mama.
I'll pick it up with my supey-dupey poopy scoopy.
Core magnetic field, 31 microteslas.
Nice.
Temperature? Whoa! The magma P.
I.
Is 10,000 degrees Selleck! Leela, I am collecting data.
Could you dump that somewhere else? Not really.
It's highly volatile dark matter and some corn.
But I'm presenting my thesis tomorrow, and I've barely had time to prepare.
Nonsense.
You've been my grad student for 12 years.
You were ready six years ago.
What? I probably should have told you.
Anyway, the important thing is to be relaxed tomorrow.
- Are you sure? - Yes.
Do what you young people do to unwind.
Take a joyride in your jalopy.
Wear a T-shirt and eat a fish stick.
Go! Okay, amigos, one teensy drink to help Amy relax.
Hear, hear! Hmm.
I guess I'm still kind of nervous.
One more teensy drink to help Amy relax.
Still a little nervous? She's a nervous wreck! Well, I may not have a man, but at least I've got you, poopsie-doodle.
Leela, it's time you and I had a talk.
A talk? You can't break up with me.
You're my pet! As much as I enjoy being the object of your misplaced affections, I am also a highly sophisticated being who longs for intelligent conversation.
Aw! Is shnookums not feeling shtimuwated? An understatement, to say the least.
It's time you treated me with respect.
If you want to be treated like a fellow crew member, fine, but no more purse rides, and no more dressing you up in your cute little sailor suit.
I keep telling you that's my real naval uniform.
Your place or mine? Both.
But first, this place.
Ooh! Room for one more? I thought I set you for 7:15! Sorry, I hooked up with Bender last night.
Dude was all over my snooze button.
But my doctoral exam is in 10 minutes.
On Mars! Ew! Kif, did you yack on the floor? Yes, I did.
Where's your candidate, Farnsworth? I have a long list of students to humiliate today.
You're late, Miss Wong.
Oh, God, this is like one of those nightmares! Here, take my lab coat.
Allow me to introduce your examining committee in descending order of grumpiness.
Professor Ogden Wernstrom.
Wernstrom.
Downtown Professor of Applied Physics, Ethan "Bubblegum" Tate.
I see by your curriculum vitae that you're a Sagittarius.
And Professor Fisherprice Shpeekenshpell.
The cow says He proved that 50 years ago, and he's been coasting on it ever since.
I am the esteemed Professor Morris Katz, and you are wasting my time.
Proceed.
- Imagine, if you will - Oh, God.
A gigantic spherical generator, one that could provide unlimited energy because it's essentially in perpetual motion.
Young lady, have you been drinking? Well, yes, but that's not revelant.
I'm talking about Earth.
Earth's the generator.
Suppose this basketball is the whole world.
To many young men in the inner city, it is.
As it spins, it's producing an enormous magnetic field.
If we could use that field to generate electric current, we could actually harness the Earth's rotational ener Ener Yes, tapping the Earth's ener-kerchoo.
- Go on.
- Sorry, I'm super-allergic to cats.
Professor Katz, would you mind Miss Wong, I mind everything.
You just need to polarize the Earth's core with a huge static charge by ratcheting superconducting wire down into Sorry.
Enough.
The committee members will now vote yea or nay.
- Nay.
- Nay.
Hell, nay.
The horse says, '"Doctorate denied.
'" It's okay, Amy.
I don't have a fancy degree either, but today I'm a prominent boy in the package delivery field.
Now that I am a full and equal member of the crew, I pledge my loyalty, my perspicacity and, dare I say it, my friendship.
Leela, muzzle that skunk.
We can't stop a meeting for some cute, fuzzy, little Hey, look, a kitty cat.
You again? Get away, you mangy ball of histamines.
You leave kitty cat alone! Kitty cat.
People, please, I'm trying to run a business, so I get to hold kitty.
Here, puss, puss - No, me.
- Over here.
I wanna hold him.
Its anus looks like an asterisk.
Captain Fuzzy Toes reporting for duty.
I mean, cutie.
My best friend died in that uniform.
I hate that cat! If I had a spray bottle, I'd give him such a spritzing.
I'll tell you one thing, nothing acts that cute without some ulterior motive.
You want your dipey changed? We'll have to watch its every move.
Powder, please.
Here's my new theory: That is one adorable cat.
I guess I was just jealous.
I do miss being Leela's shnookums.
I'm going to apologize and hope for a pity pet.
Yes, my lord.
Amy and Nibbler are a tewwible thweat.
They must be spayed and neutered, wespectivewy.
The cat is evil! We have proof! It was summoning a saucer.
Of course it wanted a saucer, you idiot.
A saucer of dewicious cweam.
You fool, this isn't about the cream! It's pwonounced "cweam"! I'm petting mine down to the bone.
Just stwoke its fwuffy fur.
Scwatch its fwubby chin.
Fweeble its fwooby pwow.
Pet it.
Pet it.
Pet it.
Pet it.
- No, no! - Pet it.
Pet it.
Pet it.
Pet it.
What do cats need with that much yarn and cobalt? They're doing something downstairs.
We've got to find out what.
Where do you think you're going, No-cat? The basement.
I think I left the air hockey table on.
Without a cat, you ain't going nowhere.
Can you at least tell us what's going on down there? We're certainly not building something sinister, if that's what you're implying.
Now, come on, Bender, something sinister won't build itself.
Professor Katz's last name is Katz.
Do you think he has something to do with these cats? The conclusion is as inescapable as it is moronic.
I say we pay him a visit, and if he won't talk to us, he'll talk to Smith & Wesson Or, perhaps, Consolidated Head Melter.
Professor Katz, we want answers! I warn you, if I have to get cute, it's gonna get ugly.
He's dead! Wait.
What are these strings on his lap? What the He isn't dead.
He's one of those dog-operated puppets that's been adapted for use by a cat! So, I had my doctorate denied by that fuzzball? Bad kitty! They actually built the planetary ratchet from my thesis! Uh-oh! What the Well, look what the me dragged in.
You can talk! You can talk? How ironic.
Two hyper-intelligent beings both pretending to be simple house pets.
Say, do you know Obliteron? He pretends to be a hamster, but Yeah, that's really great.
Could you please tell us what's going on? What? Oh! Right.
You see, my associates and I are from the ninth planet of the star you call Thuban.
Long ago, life there was ideal.
The sun provided plenty of warm, dozy light.
The chicken-salmon roamed free.
Yet disaster loomed.
Our planet's rotation was gradually slowing.
At first, it seemed beneficial.
Long, dark nights for sleeping, long, sunny days for sleeping.
But then it got too hot.
And too cold.
Our top scientists went to work.
At last, they located a planet with the necessary orientation and magnetic field to harness its rotational energy.
- Earth! - Indubitably.
Although we call it Blue Blue Shiny Ball.
In the area now known as Egypt, my people constructed a giant, semi-octahedral antenna to beam Earth's rotational energy to Thuban.
The Great Pyramid at Giza! Yes.
The Egyptians viewed us as gods, but ironically, that was our downfall.
They pampered us with feasts most fancy and victuals most tender.
We grew fat and domesticated.
Thousands of years passed, and our home world was nearing total destruction.
Shut up! But the technology to save our planet was lost.
Lost, that is, until I heard you speak at Mars University.
So, you called my thesis a fat sack of barf, and then you stole it? Welcome to academia.
He intends to siphon off Earth's rotational energy! Earth will come to a stop, and Half of you will cook, and half of you will freeze.
Earth will be one big McDLT.
We just got that commercial last year.
Oh, yeah, smarty paws? You may have built the ratchet, but you can't reach the core without 4,000 miles of superconducting wire.
The ball of yarn! Quite.
Even so, you'd still need a tremendously powerful static charge to trigger the process.
Ever had a cat rub up against you? If you're propositioning me, I'm not interested.
I'm talking about the charge generated when 50,000 felines rub against a single surface.
Professor? Soon the world will come to a stop, and there's nothing you can do to stop it.
The stopping of the world, that is.
It's unstoppable.
Excuse me.
The Earth is coming to a stop! Keep your eyes on the kitties and push! These space cats seem to be employing some form of hypnotic hyper-cuteness.
Well, two can play at that game.
And one of them is me.
Nibbler? Poopsie-doodle? Mr.
Winkles, Smudge-Smudge.
Quick, dance with each other! Aw! Aw! Damn, they are good.
We're coming to a full stop.
All cats, to your posts! Catastrophe Beach Party.
Scene One.
Cue disaster effects, and action! Cut! That extra looked at the camera.
We'll have to do it again.
And now to transfer your planet's rotational energy to my home world.
Well, now, this calls for a celebration.
What's all this cat hair on my sweater? Why am I full of sand? And Tootsie Rolls? You were all under the spell of those obnoxious space cats! Enjoy being broiled alive by the sun, and also the dead bird we've left in your slipper.
Quickly! If we turn the ratchet the other way, perhaps we can restart the Earth! It won't turn.
Push harder, Bender! I can't! You should have called my cousin, Turner.
It's hopeless.
Even in theory, the device can only apply force in one direction.
Can someone open a window? It's getting a little warm in here.
Is that better? Shmeezus, it's hot! Why'd I have to invent that awful device? Amy, technology isn't intrinsically good or evil.
It's how it's used.
Like the death ray.
Maybe you're right.
I guess science has to keep pushing forward with the hope that That's it! Pushing forward! Professor, I know how to restart the Earth! You can't suddenly know something just by assembling a committee of words.
That's it! I'll assemble your committee! The ratchet won't turn backwards, but what if we kept pushing it forward? Earth would start turning again! Yes, the wrong direction! So? Gentlemen, ladies, let's get this globe trotting.
It's working! Just a little faster! But we're plotzing here! Then look at Nibbler! Aw! On the whole, Earth's society is worthless.
But they do have these things called antique rugs that are great for peeing on.
Good show.
And though the world is now spinning in the wrong direction, it's good enough.
Well done, Amy.
I'm honored to begrudgingly present you with your Ph.
D.
In applied physics.
Also, some kind of sportsmanship award I had in my glove compartment.
Yay! I'm finally done with school! How's the job market? Rough.
Congratulations, Dr.
Wong! Congratulations.
Permission to come aboard? Granted, shnookums.
You've got a bright future, Amy.
As sure as the sun sets in the east.