Futurama s06e09 Episode Script

Item one Duck! Cubert, you crapscallion! Why aren't you in school? I couldn't get past the protestors.
A bunch of smiling, angry people were handing out these anti-evolution flyers.
Evolution is under attack in our schools? To the Science Mobile! - You mean the ship? - Yes.
The Science Mobile! It's just that you've never called it that before, but okay.
I don't understand evolution, and I have to protect my kids from understanding it! We will not give in to the thinkers! You people are as loud as you are ignorant.
Now, get back on your turnip trucks and go home! That is an insultingly accurate stereotype, sir! As a professor of science, I assure you that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey-men! I cannot speak for you, sir, but my ancestors were not monkeys.
They were orangutans.
Hard-working, patriotic orangutans.
Dr.
Banjo? In the fur.
And I remind you that evolution is merely a theory, like gravity, or the shape of the Earth.
Hey, Professor, I'm a flying spaghetti monster.
You seriously believe I'm descended from some kind of flightless manicotti? - Yes! - Oh, please.
A far more logical explanation is the undisprovable science of Creatureism.
All life was created in its present form 7,000 years ago by a fantastical creature from outer space! - Bunk! - Oh! If your elitist East Coast evolution is real, why has no one found the missing link between modern humans and ancient apes? We did find it.
It's called Homo erectus.
Then you have proven my case, sir, for no one has found the link between apes and this Homo erectus.
Yes, they have! It's called Homo habilis.
Ah-ha! But no one has found the missing link between ape and this so-called Homo habilis.
Yes, they have! It's called Australopithecus africanus! Oh-ho! I've got you now.
Fair enough, but where, then, is the missing link between apes and this Darwinius masillae? Answer me that, Professor! Okay, granted, that one missing link is still missing, but just because we haven't found it doesn't mean it doesn't exist! Things don't exist simply because you believe in them.
Thus sayeth the Almighty Creature in the Sky! I'll show that banana-swilling poop-slinger! We just need to find that last missing link.
I found a missing link.
It seems to be half man, half toucan.
Not what we're looking for.
Throw it in the soup.
And here's something.
Uh-oh.
It's another one of Fry's dogs.
- You find something, Hermes? - Ah, no.
I hate chiseling right after a manicure.
Oh! Darn it! I broke off one of my fingers! Look, Cubert.
The neck on this one.
I bet he spent a fortune on ties! What, too soon? I highly doubt a Jurassic elaphrosaurid had access to neckwear.
I knew I should have gone with the ring-around-the-collar joke.
Hey, look! I found a robot fossil! That's a bedspring, you dumb bedspring! There are no robot fossils.
What? Who says I didn't evolve? Everybody! Robots were created quite recently.
It was in all the papers.
Then explain this! I've hit a rich vein of missing links.
Java man, Piltdown man, Manfred Mann.
Eureka! It's the elusive missing missing link.
This will show Banjo, once and for all.
Yeah! - What the Oh, that's mine.
Hmm.
My tux doesn't fit.
Probably because I've grown so much since I last wore it.
Or evolved, one might say.
One might not say that.
Your tux doesn't fit because you stole it from a boy.
You mean a man.
It was his Bar Mitzvah.
Welcome, museum members.
Or, as I like to call you, future exhibits.
He's good.
Tonight we have a new resident here in the Hall of Hominids, generously donated by its discoverer, Hubert Farnsworth.
Ladies and gentlemen, Homo Farnsworth.
Once again, science saves the day.
The end.
And now, to discuss the scientific implications of this discovery, our new museum curator, Dr.
Banjo! Thank you, Professor Farnsworth, for your generous gift, which has, once and for all, disproven evolution.
Behold! Homo Farnsworth, frolicking with dinosaurs at the moment of creation.
I don't want to live on this planet anymore.
Faster! Faster! Just drop me off at that asteroid over there.
Wow, this planetoid is completely lifeless.
Not lifeless enough! Set up my shack so I can kick you out of it! Professor, is this your only water source? It looks like Diet Dr.
Pepper.
It's not that bad.
It's just laden with toxic minerals.
But not for long.
- What's in the tube? - Microscopic Nanobots.
They're tiny robots I designed to eat up nasty irritants.
Speaking of nasty irritants, what's gonna become of Cubert? Who? Oh, my son.
Don't worry.
He's been safely abandoned with his godfather.
Cubert, I felt we needed some father-son bonding time, so I found a couple of baseball gloves and boiled them up for lunch.
Why don't you just go to hell! Wait! We still have to discuss the facts of life.
What are they? Okay, I finished moving the last grand piano.
Now can we have our pizza? You'll get your damn pizza, you parasite! First, let's see if my Nanobots have purified the water yet.
The water's as sterile as my milkman-trusting father.
But what's this? The Nanobots have gotten more complex.
What's that you say? Those robots evolved all by themselves, you say? It wasn't by themselves.
I put them there.
I'm a genius.
Get over it! Look.
Now they got bigger.
Good heavens! Trilobots! Oh, no! My sunglasses were in there! Get off! Let's get the pizza out of here! Look, there's a cave-like hole in that mountain.
It might be a cave.
Does anyone have a lighter? Hang on.
Okay, we have shelter and just enough precious food to ward off starvation.
It's pizza time! Pineapple? - Man! - So much for that.
Hello.
I remembered you liked superheroes, so I painted you a mural on your wall.
This is Father-Man.
He fights crime to earn Son-Boy's respect.
- Is it working? - This is sucky! You suck! Who taught you to do three-point perspective? I could make a better mural with my butt! Father-Man away.
Nothing like a cave for a good night's sleep.
So, what do we got to eat that's not poisoned with pineapple? I packed plenty of food, but it's all in dehydrated pill form.
Then we need water from that pond.
We'll have to fight our way past the Trilobots.
Go! Go! Hit anything that moves! - Whoa.
- Wow.
A whole forest grew overnight.
All these trees are robotic.
I can't believe how quickly they sprung up.
I can.
Robots do everything faster, including evolving and believing how quickly things spring up.
One thing about Bristol-Myers Squibb, they know how to cook a steak.
Hey, look at me.
I'm the Ty-D-Bol Man.
I own a yacht, and everybody poops on me! Help! Police! Everybody grab a club.
Oh, big, tough water guy, why don't you come up here on land and Look out for the next thing! Great Scott, a Tricycle-tops.
Throw down, dinosaurs of the land and sea.
This is a cool way to die! Dr.
Zoidberg? I'm sorry for treating you like a total Zoidberg I mean, loser.
Go on.
It's just that I get bullied a lot.
I guess I kind of make fun of people as a defense mechanism.
Hey, Cubert, is that your family mansion? Why don't you ask your mom? She's coming over for a sex visit.
Don't worry, I know how to handle bullies.
Just pretend like you're pathetic.
Help, I'm scared! I wet myself.
I'm crying like a baby and I'm soaking in pee, but what else is new? The pee-babies peed themselves.
I'm off to pottery class, dorkwads.
And that's that.
Whoa! You're like some kind of dumpster Jedi.
So, you want to come in maybe? I've got a nice pound cake with a footprint on it.
Don't eat my butt! If this is anything like killing that pigeon on my balcony, we've got our work cut out for us.
Look out, a solar flare! - What the shmell happened? - A mass extinction.
That solar flare created a huge electromagnetic pulse that, while harmless to organic life, short-circuited the robo-dinosaurs.
Convenient.
Only puny mammal-like robots cowering in caves could survive such a catastrophe.
Guys, guys! I taught myself to knit.
Wait a moment.
If we could scavenge the right parts from these robo-dinos, I might be able to construct a rudimentary spaceship to get us off this planet! Oh, well, it took almost two hours, but it's finished.
Now let's go to sleep.
It's solar powered, so we can't take off until sunrise.
Well, let's find something comfy to bed down on.
Hey, looky here.
Sweet robot swan of Botswana! Looks like the fittest did a little surviving last night, huh? Whatever.
Hey, looky there.
Those robo-cavemen have kidnapped our human regular-women.
We gotta save them! But the only weapon we have is my fan dance.
I believe I can fashion a slingshot using this robot wishbone and this elastic from my pants.
I think they want wives, so just play along.
If it doesn't work out, we'll still get half their rocks.
I can earn my own rocks.
Also, I don't want any rocks.
Well, it took almost 12 hours, but it's finished.
It's too dark now, but first thing tomorrow, we'll slingshot them like they've never been slangshat.
What's going on? How did we save you? It was the weirdest thing.
We went to sleep, and when we woke up, our cave husbands were gone.
I'm gonna miss Spencer.
Don't be afraid, little guys.
I'm not going to hurt you.
Nice net.
You can speak? Dread my locks! A fully-evolved robot human! I'm Dr.
Widnar, a naturalist.
And I'm Bender, baby.
My human slaves and I come from a planet where organic life and robotic life evolved side by side.
Shut up! Amazing.
I've theorized that carbon-based, fat-filled life could exist, but until today, I never had any proof.
Good for you.
Can we go home now? Welcome, museum members, or as I like to call you, future exhibits.
I now present my latest discovery, the amazing non-mechanical man, Homo Farnsworth.
Thank you.
I must say, I'm so proud to see what you've blossomed into since I first created your ancestors.
- What? - I thought you knew.
You all evolved from some filth-gobbling Nanobots I designed.
I dumped them in one of your ponds a few days ago.
But this is creationist talk.
He speaks lies! The Earth was created in eons, not days.
Yes, relative to you, it was eons, but, well, look at this hologram I took the day before yesterday of a robot frolicking with a robo-dinosaur.
I don't want to live on this planet anymore.
You're under arrest for crimes against science.
No! Could you drag me by the restroom? Go back to Roboklahoma! Order! In the matter of Everyone v.
Farnsworth, the alleged creationist faces a sentence of death by melting.
Who is representing the accused? - I am.
- I am, Your Honor.
Bender, what the hell are you doing? Shut up, I'm billing you by the hour! Besides, I'm a robot, they'll listen to me.
Ladytrons and gentlebots Objection.
In the absence of pants, defense's suspenders serve no purpose.
I'm going to allow them for now.
Thank you.
Your Honor, this meat-man does not deny that we robots are the glorious product of evolution.
He claims only to have played a small role in supplying the initial machinery.
I ask you, is that so crazy? Yes, it's completely crazy, and that is why you must find him not guilty by reason of insanity! Objection! I'm not crazy.
I created you all, and I came here in a homemade spaceship and lived in a cave.
If you don't believe me, ask my uncle.
Prosecutor, your opening statement? Yeah, honey, I'll be home for dinner.
The prosecution rests, Your Honor.
Very well.
We will reconvene when the jury reaches a verdict.
Son, you in a whole mess of trouble.
What? Has the jury reached a verdict? No, we have not, for we have evolved to a higher state of consciousness.
In the grand scheme, all physical beings are but yokels.
Now, settle your petty squabbles and get the hell out.
That'll be $10,000.
Well, digital photographs don't lie.
I admit that what you witnessed may have been some form of evolution.
I'm glad you agree, Dr.
Banjo.
Evolution set in motion by a wise and all-knowing creator.
You.
Well, I don't know about all-knowing.
And I admit it's possible, however unlikely, that some wise and all-knowing alien monster set evolution in motion here on Earth.
And the creator could also be a robot.
Then who built this so-called creator robot? Some magical bearded robot in the sky? I guess that would be stupid.
Never mind.
Then it's settled.
Finally, a world in which I'm happy to raise my son.
Good, 'cause I'm sick of him.
I'm serious.
He's a terrible person.