Futurama s08e02 Episode Script

Children of a Lesser Bog

[dramatic music]
[theme song playing]

[sighs, sucking]
Aw. He's using his jacket
as some kind of security blanket.
- That's so cute and pathetic.
- It really is. You do you, weirdo!
Oh, hey, guys.
I'm just sucking on my jacket.
A Clump-O-Honey candy
got stuck right there
over a thousand years ago,
and I can still taste it.
You know who I bet
would like some of that?
Me! Zoidberg.
Oh, no!
Zoidberg, you residue hog!
Now all I taste is crab juice.
- So, buy another jacket candy.
- I can't. They stopped making it
after it got reclassified
as industrial glue.
Ah. Then I, Bender,
will recreate the recipe.
Don't forget, I came in third
on MasterChef Junior.
- May I have a taste?
- Sure.
You seem like the kind of guy
who has a mouth.
[slurps, smacking]
- Whoa! Diabetic coma!
- Hm. I better add some sugar
to make it less sweet.
And just a touch of treacle
to remind me of my dear
departed Aunt Juanita.
- [sniffles] She drowned in treacle.
- You know I'm dying on the floor.
[Bender humming]
[excited murmuring]
So, what do you think?
[Fry smacking]
Mm! It's perfect, Bender.
Totally jacket worthy.
It's a little sticky.
[muffled] It's a lot sticky!
[muffled groaning]
And there's something hard in it.
[dramatic sting]
[Bender yelps]
Luckily, I'm an expert
at fixing human beak bones.
Are you free Friday
for an expensive appointment?
Let me check. Open calendar!
Shmeird. There's some old
alert I set up 20 years ago.
[gasps] Our babies?!
- It's time, my love.
- Oh, Kif!
The hell are you talking about?
Something to do
with the meatbag life cycle?
That's right, Bender.
Many years ago,
I gave birth to a clutch of
tadpoles with Amy by my side.
I have video of the birth.
Wanna see it?
ALL: No!
That is the wrong kind of delivery!
Oh, Nelly! Oh!
[screaming, groaning]
[crew groans]
- Life is disgusting.
- No, it was beautiful.
But I was so not
prepared to be a mother.
In 20 years, they'll sprout legs
- and crawl back onto land as children.
- I'll be ready then.
- Well, Amy, are you ready now?
- Having a family with you
is the only thing
I want in the whole world.
- BENDER: Then can I have your car?
- No!
Too late. I already crashed it.

[creatures chirping]
Oh, this is so exciting! The birth
ceremony will begin any minute.
Thanks for the warning.
And don't describe it to me!
[car doors open]
- INEZ: We're here!
- Mom! Dad!
- Oh, I'm so glad you made it!
- Oh, we wouldn't miss the birth
of our grandbabies
for a million dollars.
'Cause we're so rich,
that's like a penny.
[bubbling, gurgling]
[Kif sputtering]
Oh, my. It's the Grand Midwife.
- I am the Grand Midwife!
- Big fan!
- I am Kif of the clan Kroker.
- I know. I recognize your head.
And this is my smizmar, Amy.
We have come to receive our offspring.
As you transition to parenthood,
I shall be your counsel and guide.
I do so out of solemn respect
for our traditions
and not for any optional cash donation
people sometimes place in that basket.
- Thank you.
- It's green,
- and there's a little sign on it.
- Found it!
Then the Emergence shall now commence!
[excited chattering]
Or not. It's unpredictable.
Guess I'll have to wing it.
Anybody here from out of town?
O-oh! Here they come.

[bubbling, gurgling]
Oh my. I'm so anxious,
my camouflage reflex is kicking in.
No, it's helpful. I wanna look
cute for our hundreds of kids.

We shall now stand by,
without interfering,
as we observe the sacred process
known as
- the Winnowing.
- What's that mean?
It means don't start naming them yet.

[all gasp]

Four of them made it!
[snarling, crunching]
Well, three and a half.
Young creatures of the Black
Lagoon, go now to your parents.
[squishy footsteps]
- Uh, can I help you?
- Over here!
[gasps] They're perfect.
Ew. She's touching them.
Cherish these children, Kif
and Amy, for they are beautiful.
- Well, in-in the sense that
all children are beautiful.
[understanding chatter]

The transformation is complete!
We welcome these new beings
of the land.
[cheering, applause]
They can call me Captain Uncle.
Uh, I'll go dispose of
this medical waste.
With a little butter and lemon.
- Want a picture with the kids?
- No need.
The way they look
is burned into my mind.
They're nice, you know?
Just a kinda little
- Super gross.
- But, you're finally grandparents.
That'll be our little secret.
[car door opens, shuts]
[engine starts, whirring]

Thanks for bringing the kids by
for my lunch break.
- They're the sweetest thing on the menu.
- BENDER: Not even close!
Uh, question. These three
babies are totally different sizes.
- Question mark.
- Oh, well, they grew at varying rates
depending on the temperature
of the water they were in.
Little Newt here was in a cold, deep area.
- Mama!
- Wrong again.
[Newt cooing]
Mandy is from
the temperate middle depths.
- He's shrively!
- [laughs] You haven't seen the half of it.
And Axl is from the warm shallows,
just like his old man.
[groans] Do you always
have to talk about me?
So why does this one
keep calling me Mama?
- And what's with the big weird eye?
- It's not weird. It looks like yours.
[whispers] It's pretty weird.
- Why would he look like me?
- Don't you remember?
- Twenty years ago, you impregnated Kif.
- Seriously? Oh, my God.
I must have been super drunk.
Leela, you bone brain!
You didn't have sex.
- [laughs] Bone.
- Luckily, there's an educational movie
that explains how
Kif's species reproduces.
And it's filthy.
YowzaVision Educational Films
presents Sex Across The Universe.
Oh, yeah! Educate me, baby.
This week, the Amphibiosans.
For every organism across the universe,
reproduction is a steamy, erotic process.
Except the Amphibiosans.
They just barely touch hands
while the rest of us are gettin' it on.
[hologram ends]
Eh, that was pretty hot.
So, you see,
Amy was my smizmar,
the one whose mere presence
made me receptive to pregnancy.
- Which makes me their smizmama.
- But it was Lila who contributed the DNA
when she accidentally touched Kif's hand.
Are you sure I wasn't drunk?
I-I mean, I'm drunk now.
- Mwah!
- Ew! Mom, Dad!
Will you stay in our lovers' story? ♪
If you stay, you won't be sorry ♪
'Cause we believe in you ♪
Soon you'll grow, so take a chance ♪
With a couple of kooks
hung up on romancing ♪
Will you stay in our lovers' story? ♪
If you stay, you won't be sorry ♪
'Cause we believe in you ♪
Soon, you'll grow,
so take a chance ♪
With a couple of kooks ♪
Hung up on romancing ♪

Let's reinflate my head and go home.
Yeah. Maybe they'll conk out
and we'll get a little us time.
[kids laughing]
[Kif gasping]
[sighs] Those little guys are
the best, but they're a lot.
Well, luckily, there's two of us
to split the work.
Doop, doo-doo-doop,
doop, doop, doop, doop! ♪
Captain Brannigan!
At your service, sir.
With ease, Lieutenant.
I have a bit of news to say at you.
Is it about the baby gifts you claim
you sent? Because we still haven't
I'm afraid there's no time to discuss
the many presents I bought,
some of which are large.
Soldier, you are ordered
to report for duty.
[Amy gasps]
- Is it war?
- I hope so, but we're not sure.
All we know is that DOOP
has lost radio contact
with a remote outpost in Ursa Major.
Over and under.
I'm sorry you'll have
to handle the kids alone.
[scoffs] I'm not worried.

KIF: I love you!
[engines sputtering]
[gears grinding]
[Axl crying softly]
[Mandy crying]
[Newt crying loudly]
[Amy wailing]
[all sobbing]
[out-of-tune shofar playing]
Roll call!
"Four eyes."
"Crab man."
"Can man."
"Who cares?"
Dammit! Where's Amy?
What do I need, a bigger antler?
[door opens]
Oh, I'm so, so sorry.
The babysitter didn't show up.
[phone ringing] Ah!
- Finally. Where are you?
- Sorry, toots.
I must have the address wrong.
784 West 28th Street?
Weird, th-that's what I got.
Oh, Earth! Ah!
Coulda swore you said Kepler 10B.
[wind blowing]
Guess I'll catch the next
generation ship back to Nutley.
- Oh
- Mom, Mom, Mom!
Can you judge
our whispering contest?
[whispers] Okay. You ready?
I lose! [laughing]
[Newt crying, Mandy yelling]
Oh, come on! Oh

[burps, laughs]
Look at me, chugging
mineral water on a weeknight!
So wild and free!

- I miss them so.
- I feel you, soldier.
And not in a handsy way this time.
Mm. [smacking]
Bring a bowl of these
candies to my quarters
when you're done crying.
[hair rips]
[kids laughing]
Thanks for offering
to watch the kids, Leela.
I need a break so bad.
You have no idea.
No, it's clear you're a wreck,
and I get it.
They're a nightmare.
[objects breaking]
- A-A sweet, adorable nightmare.
- That's fair. Kids!
Mommy's gonna go nap-nap.
Don't be scared of Leela. She's very
[Newt cheers]
MANDY: Yay! Mommy Leela!
Cowabunga, dude!
[kids giggling]

The Clump-O-Honeys you
requested, Capt Oh jeez.
[Kif sighs]
- If there's nothing further, I will
- Oh no, you willn't.
These delicious Clumps
aren't for eating. Mm!
They're for manscaping.
Manscape me, Kif. That's an order.
[hair rips]
- NEWT: Ooh!
- Whoa! What's that?
I never saw one of those before,
and I was born, like, four days ago.
It's a ship loader.
Any hyperactive kids here
up for a nice, exhausting
treadmill race? [beep, whirring]
Oh wow! Cool! I mean, cool.
[Newt and Mandy cheering]
God, I hope this works.

[yawns, stretches]
[kids laughing]
[somber music]
[sensors beeping]
Approaching the outpost, sir.
Still no response on any frequency.
My God.
What the hell happened down there?
It looks like the whole planet
has psoriasis.
You're looking at the back
of my head, sir.

[door whirring, clangs]
Welcome to Exobiology Station 38.
- Dammit! I'm outta laser!
- Um, hello, sir.
Is this outpost secure?
The DOOP hasn't received
any response from you in months.
Oh, yeah.
Transmitter got ripped up by bears.
That's what we study here.
Bears. I'm a bear biologist.
Sounds like a fun job that pays bad.
I used to be a whale biologist,
but I hate whales.
Hate them.
Well, then it's good you found
an animal you like.
Nope. Still looking.
[bear growling, grunting]
This bear species is known as tardigrades.
It's a fancy word for ugly.
Oh, shut up, you stupid bear!
They're also stupid, by the way.
I discovered that.
Bear biologist.

I fixed the transmitter.
Now, may I please head home
to my family?
Without delay. But first,
candy break?
[chomping loudly]
[dramatic music]
Are you bat crackers?
If they smell human food,
they go bat crackers!
[tardigrades growling]
It seems they recognize
a fellow apex predator.
Well, four can play at that game.
[confused grumbling]
Kif! Help!
[Kif groans]
[birds chirping]
[Leela imitating horse]
[kids laugh]
AXL: Let's go! Faster! Faster!
Go, horseface, go!
[panting] Neigh!
Now, buy us ice cream!
[Leela sighs]

Rum raisin tastes just like caterpillars!
We love you, Leela.
Aw, hell no!
You're not the mom of them!
- What?
- Are you done spoiling my kids rotten
- so they'll love you more?
- I'm just a beaten-down horse.
Well, you can trot back
to the barn now!
Kif's coming home soon,
and you are not their mom!
- Uh, actually, I sort of am.
- Go on! Git! Hyah!
[Zapp screaming]
[tardigrades growling quietly]
ZAPP: Oh God, they're nuzzling me!
[phone ringing, click]
- Hello?
- [crying] Please come home, Kiffy!
The kids like Leela more than me,
and it really hurts.
I'm the worst mom ever.
Except for my own mom.
ZAPP: Stop licking my velour!
It's dry clean only!
Amy, darling, the children love you.
And I love you.
And stay away from my scrotums!
You're their mother,
and you always will be.
Nothing can change that.
[dramatic sting]
Amy Wong, a challenge has been filed
- for the motherhood of these children.
- No [static]
[breaking up] Amy?
Amy, I'm coming home, I swear.
I have to leave right now, sir!
ZAPP: No, Kif!
The DOOP never leaves a man behind!
Not when I'm the man!
[dramatic music]
Alright, bears.
Daddy's coming to tuck you in
[shotgun cocks]
to your graves.
[music crescendos]
I'll be out here.

Nobody's taking my babies!
- They're everything to me!
- I appreciate your emotional
shouting in my ear hole,
but I must intervene
whenever parenthood is
called into question.
- Grand Midwife?
- Oh, drop the surprised act, Leela.
- How could you do this?
- Do what?
Suck the jelly out of
the jelly donuts with a straw?
This jelly hound did not summon me.
The challenge is automatic
when tests show the smizmar
contributed no DNA.
[beep] The children inherited genes
only from Kif and Leela,
plus trace DNA from a certain Scruffy.
Scruffy's stuff gets around.
[sniffles, groans]
Should the challenge indicate
someone else is the mother,
then that person
eh, or whatever
- shall raise the children.
- But But
You and Kif must be present for
the challenge tomorrow. Good day.
[music crescendos]
Yeah, FYI, y-you've got a
little jelly right there.
[door hisses]
[tardigrades sniffing, grumbling]

Did somebody call an exterminator?

[zapping, poofing]
- It's been a blast.
- ZAPP: Help me, Kif!
They found the secret candy in my girdle!

[sniffing, growling]
I'm a camouflaged killing machine.
I'm sorry I got so jealous, Leela.
- I just kinda lost it.
- It's okay. The bond parents feel
with their kids is intense
so I hear.
[video game beeping] I'm just
proud I helped you become a mom.
- I hope it works out for you tomorrow.
- And if it doesn't,
[sniffles] I'm sure you'll
take good care of them.
I refuse to die groveling.
But I'm open to sniveling.

[tardigrades grunting]
Naked Kif, you saved my life!
You have my undying loyalty.
[tardigrades growling]
Eat Kif! He's boneless!
[tardigrades roaring]

This one's for Axl, Mandy,
and little what's-his-name.
[gun cocks]
[soft, high growling]

[tardigrades growl]
[shotgun cocks]

I am the Grand Midwife
from the other day,
inquisitor for the challenge of Amy Wong.
- Amy, where is your smizmale?
- He isn't with me.
Oh, the sorrow! Oh, the shame!
There he is!
[helicopter whirring]
Okay, but it doesn't lessen the shame.
- Kif!
- Amy!
- MANDY: Daddy!
- AXL: Daddy!
- I don't remember him.
- So, like, did you do war stuff?
I did what a Daddy had to do.

[baby tardigrades growl]
[shotgun cocks]
Bear number 23 was also stupid,
fighting for scraps
while I dined on salmon tartare.
[mocking chewing]
None for you, losers! [laughs]
[tardigrades growl]
[dramatic music]
The challenge may play out
over days or weeks
within the brutal confines
of the Inquisidome.
Some call it a tiki hut.
Leela's gonna watch you guys
while we're in there.
And maybe a little longer.
But whatever happens,
you're going to be okay.
You are, too.

The challenge is
a challenging challenge,
dating from when our language
had few words.
It will incorporate
a battery of genetic tests
and a full neuropsychological
obstacle course,
but it begins with a simple question.
Amy Wongy
do you or do you not love those children?

More than I knew I could love anything.
Which is all that truly matters.
The challenge is over.
You are their mother
and always will be.
[creaking, cracking]
That wasn't supposed to happen.
Cheap, lousy wall.
Children! You may now come hug
your mother and father.
For only a small additional fee.
[kids laughing]
You're my favorite mommy.

[cork pops]
Who wants treacle?
Strong stuff, huh?
[Leela sniffles]
[Newt cooing]

Previous EpisodeNext Episode