Futurama s08e03 Episode Script

How the West Was 1010001

What is the fu What is the fu ♪
What is the future ♪
What is the fu What is the fu ♪
What is the future? ♪
[theme song playing]
What is the future ♪

News! Bad!
We're bankrupt.
Oh, I borrowed
money to invest in Bitcoin.
Then the price crashed,
and I sold at a huge loss.
We're ruined!
Oh, sorry. I didn't realize
you were watching TV.
The tragic impact
destroyed the planet Klarg,
along with its 50 billion inhabitants.
In other news, Morbo,
guess what's back?
- The planet Klarg?
- Nope! The price of Bitcoin!
- Uh, wha?!
- The virtual "money "
is soaring once again, leading
to a high-tech gold rush.
Prospectors are heading west,
where cheap,
filthy electricity beckons the desperate.
- This gives me a desperate idea!
- Haven't you learned that Bitcoin
is just a pyramid scheme for rubes?
Yes, and my plan
is to exploit those rubes!
[click, beeping]
You see, the new mining chips
are made from element 81,
a rare element found out west.
I plan to actually mine it,
then sell it to the Bitcoin "miners."
It's a sure way to repay my loan brokers.
[all gasp]
[dramatic sting]
- Yo. We're also leg brokers.
- Goodbye, Robot Mafia!

[electricity fizzling]
The Bitcoin mines are using
such colossal amounts of power
that it's ionizing the atmosphere.
We'll need to land
and drive the rest of the way.
I'll set her down on the Donner trail.
[Wild West-esque music]
It's a good thing we brought
the oxen. Usually, we don't.
I've never been out west before,
but I'm learning a lot from these
Borax Kid action books.
I'm robbing this vault
and ain't no ionic compound gonna stop me!
[gun cocks]
BORAX KID: Freeze, Maxwell's Demon.
I'd advise you to drop
those gold molecules.
I'm gonna pump you full of lead.
You know, 'round these parts,
folks don't think things.
They reckon them.
And instead of an idiot,
I'll be known as a galoot!
- Isn't this scenery spectacular, Dwight?
- Uh-huh.
Your mother thought you'd enjoy
some fresh air for once.
[video game beeping]
She sure was wrong.
Well, anyway,
I'm really looking forward
- to some quality father-son time.
- With who?
[video game beeping stops]
[grandiose music]
Ah, crypto country.
There's thallium in them thar hills!
- Priceless, toxic thallium.
- Um, is this thallium?
[teeth crack]
[smacking lips]
- Oh my, yes! High-grade ore!
- Um, Professor? Toxic.
They're my prospecting teeth.
[lisping] Oh, quit your chattering.
We're almost there.
[Western-style music]
Welcome to Doge City!
Looks like you got seven
hornswogglers and a galoot!

Woo-hoo! We made it!
It's pretty lawless out here
in crypto country,
so put on your protective headgear.

[video game beeping]
[groaning, grunts]

[horse snorts]
[roadrunner meeps]
Kind of old-fashioned for a town
- built on high-speed computation.
- Well, every watt of electricity
goes to the Bitcoin mining computers.
For everyone else,
it's practically like living
- in the Old West.
- Old West. Got it.
Until we stake our claim
and strike it rich,
keep in mind, we're bankrupt.
So we'll all need to do
Old West stuff to get by.
Old West. Got it.
[saloon tack piano playing]
[quiet saloon chatter]
Welcome, friends.
What'll you have?
Your freest beverage.
We're very poor.
Gotcha. I'll just mix all the unfinished
drinks together and start a tab.
- She seems nice.
- At times, yes.
Though her mood fluctuates
like the price of Bitcoin.
And don't come back
till you settle your tab!
Though, I do regret hurting you.
I tell you what.
Go see the girls in the back room.
It's on me.
- Girls?
- Yep.
Delilah runs a house
of ill repute in back.
- "Ill"? You mean a hospital?
- I mean a cathouse.
- A pet store?
- A brothel.
- A soup kitchen?!
- Yeah. A soup kitchen.
[maniacal laugh]
[gunshots, man yelling]
[intimidating Western music]
Whoa! Who's that?
A psychotic killer, that's who!
Get down!
Hey, Roberto!
What's with the piece?
I thought you were more of a knife guy.
Out here in the West,
I need something shootier.
Like this gun-knife I invented-stole!
- Where's that beer I ordered-didn't order?!
- You didn't order a [yelps]
Say, you're new in town and low on cash.
You interested in a job as a barmaid
and/or a prostitute?
Um, I'm not sure Leela
has the skills to be a barmaid.
Gimme the tray!
[horse whinnying]
Alright, up next, our final item.
This burro is in near-mint condition.
Perfect for hauling Bitcoin,
light housework, or just abusing.
Bidders? Bidders? Do I have any bidders?
Twelve-millionths of a Bitcoin!
Twelve micro-Bitcoin.
Do I hear 13? Thirteen, 13?
Not from me, you don't!
I always wanted to own a racehorse.
- That's a donkey, Bender.
- Donkeys are just ugly horses, Amy.
[bell clangs]
Sold to the zoologist over there!
- Oh! I'm gonna call him Rusty.
- Good 'cause that's his name!

[birds chirping]
Ah! This looks like
a good place to make camp.
Doesn't it look like
a good place to make camp?
It looks stupid.
This whole trip is stupid.
You're stupid, Pops!
I appreciate your
constructive criticism, son.
I wish Roberto were my dad.
He's cooler than a green snake
smoking a sugar cane vape.
No self-respecting green snake
would do that!
[imitating Roberto's laugh]
[triumphant Western music]
Kind sir, could you assay this nugget?
By my tooth test,
I estimate it's 0.3% thallium.
Tooth test? [cackles]
Let's see what
my metallurgical analyzer says.
[chomp, beeping, ding]
ANALYZER: 0.3% thallium.
Hoo-hoo, boy!
I'll give you 100 micro-Bitcoin for it.
But we need a million times that
amount or we're gonna get clamped!
[cackles] Robot Mafia, huh? Eh.
Well, maybe there's some thallium
in that there chassis of yours.
[whirring, clanking]
Assay my shiny metal ass!
[beeping, buzz]
ANALYZER: 0.0000
Tain't even worth melting down.
Well then, perhaps my ass
might be of value to you
- in some other way?
- Eh, it might make a good frying pan,
but fried food makes me cackle.
We'll just sell you the nugget.
[cash register dings]
May I ask who turns
the thallium into microchips?
I'm an all-in-one operation.
My motto is,
"He who smelts it, dealts it!"
[beeping, squish]
Pop one of those in
a high-end server, and blam!
You're mining crypto.
Ooh, lookie there!
Found another Bitcoin!
[beep] Aw, dog dumplings.
It's just a danged Ethereum.

[door creaks]
Hello, I'm Zoidberg.
Like you, I'm a doctor.
So, uh, what's your survival rate?
Pretty high. I'm a psychiatrist.
Got a patient coming 'round
for anger management about now.
[door opens]
Hiya, Doc.
Boy, it's been a stressful week.
- What's with the jumbo prawn?
- A colleague. Mind if he sits in?
Yes, I do mind!
I value doctor-patient confidentiality!
- Patang!
[saloon tack piano playing]
- So, how's business?
- Disappointing.
I only got 30 cents in tips and
one request to visit the back room.
I mean, I wouldn't go,
but it's nice to be asked.
Can you think of anything
I can do to look sluttier?
Nope. [gasps]
Look! The Borax Kid!
And his sidekick Mumbles!
You know he's not actually a hero
like in his books, right?
He's a poker cheat
and a low-down base mineral.
Wow. The Borax Kid.
Excuse me, Mr. Kid.
My name is Fry, and I'm a big fan
of your young adult adventures.
Oh, really?
Uh, do you play poker?
Yeah, but I was warned
not to play poker with you.
Well, then how about a hand
of Colorado Chump?
As long as it's not poker.
So what are you doing here?
- Fighting evil or just helping townspeople?
- Not much money in helping folks.
Double chump. You lose.
I heard the Borax Kid's in town.
Come on out here, Kid!
Mumbles, go see
what all that fuss is about.
And wear my signature hat.
ROBERTO: Pa-pow-pow!
Mumbles is dead!
Don't argue with me, Mumbles.
I'm the town doctor.
Well, shucks. My sidekicks
seem to be dying right regular.
And in gruesome fashion.
Care to be my new sidekick?
Do I get to die in your next book?
- Page three.
- Then you got yourself a galoot.

- Nice camp. Is this my tent?
- No. You only come in to tidy up.
There's just enough room for me
and my private library there.
Can I sleep in the library?
I'd like to say yes,
but then it wouldn't be private.

This place has too much outdoors!
It's all bugs and no Wi-Fi.
Don't get your dreads in a knot, son.
Any more than they're supposed to be.
- How about a father-son limbo break?
- I hate limbo, Dad! Limbo is stupid.
Limbo stupid?
Where did I go wrong?
Probably when you took up limbo.
From what I'm hearing, it's stupid.
Bender! Where are the shovels
I asked you to pack?
Oh, you said shovels?
I thought you said
take a break and do nothing.
Then we'll just have to find thallium
- the old-fashioned way. By panning.
- Panning? With what?
[sighs] Sometimes,
I think a detachable ass
is more a curse than a blessing.
Come on, Rusty.

We're just a guy with no ass ♪
And his ass ♪
Assin' it up under an asinine sky ♪
Assin' to the tumbleweeds
as we ass by ♪
Yodeling a cowboy tune ♪
But, not yet! ♪
People sass me
on my ass as we pass ♪
They say, wouldn't it be better
if my ass rode me? ♪
They tell me I outweigh my ass ♪
By a factor of three ♪
So, I punch 'em and I kick their ♪
Yodel-odel-ay-hee-hoo ♪
[harmonizing braying]
Ass, butt, rear-end, ass ♪
Yodel-ay hee hoo ♪
[bones crack]
What the? Rusty! No!
[mournful bray]
[both screaming]
Oh, why didn't I listen to my own song?!
[playing tack piano, rollers rattling]
Get yourself tuned or get outta town,
you overgrowed teletype machine.
Eh, shut your cackling trap!
Cram that racket!
This is a nice, quiet saloon
with attached bordello.
You handle the menfolk pretty well.
But mess with my customers again,
and I'll kill you in your sleep!
- Lovin' the boots.
- Um, have you considered seeing someone
- about your mood swings?
- No!
But it is a good idea.
[doors open] DWIGHT: Mr. Roberto?
Folks call me Amarillo Dwight.
On account of I wrote
a geography report on it.
Done got me a "A."
How's about you and me
team up and rob stuff?
- What are you, like, 11?
- Twelve.
Close enough.
I need a kid for a job I'm planning.
See that stagecoach?
[horses neigh]
It's taking a USB stick
with a company's weekly haul
of Bitcoin credentials
to a bank in San Francisc-y.
Only, they ain't never gonna
reach San Francisc-y.
Why not?
They using Apple Maps?

Not one patient.
Not even a case of splinters
to treat with my bone saw.
[weak bray]
Thanks, robot, but I couldn't
eat a thing right now.
[weak braying]
Can you save him, Doc?
If it's something that
can be cured by a bone saw!
I'll need anesthetic!
Get me a bottle of animal whiskey!
They see a cute kid lying in the road,
stagecoach gotta stop.
Then I jump out and stab 'em!
But, won't that be, like, murder?
'Cause colleges look at stuff like that.
Here they come!
Shut up and look cute.
[horses trotting]
[Dwight screams]
Guess you ain't as cute as I thought.
[snaps, yelps]

[mechanism whirring]
The West can be dangerous
at night, Leela,
so thanks for walking me home.
- Don't worry. The Kid will save us, right?
- BORAX KID: Right.
Better back off, puma.
- I think it's actually a cougar.
- Puma, cougar, whatever! Get him, Kid!
Or a mountain lion. You know,
they're really all the same animal.
[frightened growling, snarling]
[cocks gun]
It seems I bravely shot that catamount
just in time after Fry missed.
Thanks, Kid.
Maybe I was wrong about you.
Beautiful ladies are wrong
about lots of things.
[clicks tongue]
[Leela giggles]
Ah, it's nice to see you two
getting along so intimately.

It's hopeless!
There's barely any thallium!
- Just worthless gold.
- Well, Rusty's good as new!
I performed surgery on Bender's ass!
Zoidberg is the hero!
[loud clang]
No! Bender's ass is!

I mean his butt ass.

[all gasping]
It's so beautiful.
Hey, what's that big rock on it?
It's enough thallium
to pay off all our debts!
- Eh, well, mine, anyway.
- Only the assay shop's
closed for the night,
and it's getting dark.
We'll have to take turns
guarding the nugget
with our lives until morning.
I'd take a shift myself, but
I am already in my pajamas.

I steal it. I steal it not.
I steal it
[gun cocks]
Gimme the nugget!
And the daisy, too.
I gotta know how it comes out!
[birds chirping]
[all yawning]
Ah, nature.
I hate it. Let's sell that
thallium nugget and hit the trail.
Oh, no. The nugget is gone!
And so is Bender.
[muffled braying]
Eh, wha?
AMY: Oh, my gosh! Rusty!
Bray us what happened!
- Come on! He's picked up Bender's scent!
- His what now?
[saloon tack piano playing]
[music stops]
[tense music]
Back room don't open
till church lets out.
- [gasps] It's empty!
- This is the worst brothel I've ever seen.
[music builds]
It's an immense Bitcoin mine!
Or an even worse brothel.
These aren't servers.
They're robot heads!
Someone's using them to mine Bitcoin!
That's actually a pretty reasonable
- use case for robot heads. But
- Hey! It's a guy I know.
[all gasping]
Are you okay, Bender?
No, I'm not okay!
That's a stupid question!
I was peacefully stealing your thallium,
when, suddenly Ha-ha!
I was kidnapped
by our friend from the saloon.
[door opens]
I'm not your friend.
[dramatic sting]
Though, I do like you a lot.
[dramatic music]
Didn't you ever wonder
who was gettin' rich
off all this Bitcoin nonsense?
- Never!
- Computer servers are expensive,
but robot heads are cheap.
Heck, free.
Mining Bitcoin
with kidnapped robot heads?
- It's pure evil!
- Hardly.
I donate all the proceeds
to a local orphanage.
But I can't let you tell anyone
about my generous scheme,
so I'll have to seal you
in this comfortably
air-conditioned warehouse.
[all gasp]
But I'll drop by every day with snacks.
- ZOIDBERG: Snacks are good.
[beep, slam]
[stops humming]

[dramatic sting]
Crypto mining was total hell.
Any number you can think of,
there's a number bigger than that!
- So how do we get out of here?
- Easy. We'll burrow out!
Burrow! Burrow!
[grunts, thud]
[weakly] I deserved that.

This tie pin? Why, it was a gift
from my good friend
Diamond Jim Diamond.
That guy who's just a big diamond?
You know him?
Step away from Leela, Kid.

The jig is up! I found your collection
of Buffalo Bill Cobalt novels.
You just copied those
and replaced his name with yours!
- What?!
- Well, now,
there's nothing illegal about that.
Those old stories are public domain.
I change up a few words
and claim the copyright for myself.
- Ya ever heard of Cinderella?
- That is so evil!
I'm calling you out, Kid.
[dramatic music]
[dramatic tack piano]
I told you, stop that racket!
- Not till you stop that damn cackling!
- Then I'm callin' you out.
[rumbling, crumbling]
[Rusty braying]
BENDER: Delilah, you head-napper!
I'm calling you out!
You're on.
[cackling continues]

Look out, Fry!
He's got the ace of spades!
That, sir, was my cheatin' hand.

[faster tack piano]
[Hermes screaming]
- Pops! Get outta there!
- I'm too scared!
There's bullets in every dimension!
Hang on! I'm limboing in!
You. Play something Jamaican.
[flips coin]
[Jamaican music]
[gunfire, cackling continue]
[cackling continues]
[shoes popping]
[spine cracking]
- Your spine! It's magnificent!
- I take after my dad.
Also, I got run over.
Now, follow me!
[shoes popping]
[bullet ricochets]
[piano stops]
[gunfire continues]
This gun violence has to end!
Can't we all just agree to use knives?
[gunfire stops]
Well, shucks.
- Ow!
- Oops. Sorry, Leela.
Ma'am, I'd be right honored
to disinfect your wound
with the kiss of borax.
May I escort you to the brothel,
so as you can lie down?
I've never been so offended
yet slightly flattered!
Then, I reckon I'll be moseying off
to plagiarize another adventure. Ma'am.
Perhaps I could disinfect your wound.
I'd like that.
Care to escort me to the brothel?
It seems, Miss Delilah,
you've taken a shot to the bustle.
Fortunately, it bounced off
your damned thallium nugget.
Here. It's rightfully yours.
[bones crack]
Well, I'd better go exchange
this for Bitcoin, so I can
Pay back the Robot Mafia?!
Exactly. I'll be back in a moment.
And in the meantime,
how would you gents fancy
a visit to the back room?
DONBOT: That sounds like
something we would enjoy.
I love you, Pops.
- And limbo is not entirely stupid.
- Oh, son. Neither are you.
[heartwarming music]
[dramatic crescendo]
If we ever get outta here,
I'm gonna give this brothel
a really bad Yelp review.
[dramatic sting]
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