Futurama s08e06 Episode Script

I Know What You Did Next Xmas

[Christmas music playing]
[theme song playing]
[festive music playing]
[electronic Hynotoad drones]
[ornaments tinkle]
Ah, Xmas season is upon us.
Secure the perimeter!
[all yell]
[tense music playing]
Razor lights in place?
- Roger!
- Then, stand back!
[click, gigging]
ALARM: Intruder alert.
[Bender and Hermes grunting]
[wheel clicking]
Santa's not getting past that!
No way!
- Unless he knocks it down or something.
- Hey, robot.
- Someone left a card in your stocking.
- That's weird.
Normally, I get mail delivered to my ass.
"I know what you did next Xmas!"?
- Okay Random!
- I wonder what you will have done
and who could possibly
will have known about it.
Eh, I do a lot of stuff.
I'm probably doing something right now.
[mysterious music playing]
Who's ready for their very first
animated holiday special?
- Hooray!
- So fun!
- Whatever.
- Ooh! Wait for me.
I love having other kids around.
NARRATOR: This year's rerun of
There's a Holiday for Everyone
is brought to you by
Mom's Old Fashioned Blood Remover.
Now in oatmeal spice.
And that holiday is Xmas.
[kids cheering, laughing]
Hey, kids, any chance
y'all wanna remix this holiday special,
and hear the dope story
of Kwanzaabot instead?
Or your favorite goofy golem,
Chanukah Zombie?
- No! Tell us about Santa!
- Again?
Yes! Every year!
- [Kwanzaabot sighs]
- Oy
[whimsical music playing]
The ancient tradition of Xmas
began in the year 2801,
when the Friendly Robot Company
developed a high-powered mechanical Santa
capable of delivering
over five mega-presents per second.
[glass shattering]
KWANZAABOT: They tricked him out
with a pair of carbon-fiber Tims
and a chrome naughty-nice sensor.
So he'd know who deserved gifts
and who deserved brutal punishment.
Yo, that might've been
the first mistake right there.
[sleigh bells jingling]
But on Santa's very first delivery,
something went tragically meshuggenah.
His naughty-nice sensor malfunctioned.
Man, that's some bleeped-up
[sleigh bells jingle]
Yay! Santa's here!
[people screaming]
Oh! Oh my!
- [video stops] Oh, thank you.
- I'm sorry, kids.
I never wanted you to know Santa was real.
[somber music playing]
Yuletide news, everyone!
I know how to fix Santa!
[incredulous chatter]
I just need to sneak up on him
and reverse the polarity
of his naughty-nice sensor.
But Santa is always on guard
against attacks. Just like me.
- Hii-yah!
- Ow!
You'll never be able
to sneak up on him.
Not through space, no,
but through time, probably.
You see, Santa is only prepared
for an attack from the present.
So I've been souping up
my old time machine.
- Where is it?
- The question is when is it?
And the answer is right about
[impressed chatter]
It's so amazing.
I don't even care that it's on my foot.
I've installed a manual transmission
with a reverse gear,
so it can now go backward in time
as well as forward.
[unlocks car]
Hooray [grunts]
My plan is to back up to the year 2801,
when things first went wrong,
and materialize behind Santa
as he exits this very fireplace.
Did this building even exist in 2801?
Yeah, but back then,
it was some kinda meat market,
where butchers would hook up
and grind their sausages.
Yes, anyway, once there,
I'll quickly reverse the polarity
of Santa's naughty-nice sensor,
then return to the present.
Problem solved.
Um, Professor, isn't it risky
to go back in time
- and change history?
- Oh my, yes.
But I'll go alone to minimize the chance
of anyone becoming their own grandfather.
- These things happen.
- No, they don't.
Next time you see me,
Santa will have been good again!
[heroic music playing]
Uh, just a couple of centuries
straight backwards.
[bang, echoing meow]
Damn it! I backed over
Mrs. McGillicuddy's time cat!
[clicking, grinding gears]
Clutch, shift, and
away we go!
[echoing cat yowl]
[dramatic music playing]
[klaxons honking]

SANTA: Ho-ho-hot!
[loud munching]

[loud munching]
[clicking, beeping]
[loud munching]
[grinding gears]
Just shift into forward and
[zaps, beeping]
Oh, bother.
I shifted into reverse by accident.
I guess I'll have to take her
around by the scenic route.

Ah, here comes the Big Backwards Bang.
[zaps, whirring]
Ow! I'm being crushed
by all the matter that ever was.
[zapping, whirring]
And here we are, the future!
[reverse explosions]
- How'd it go?
- Not a hitch!
I fixed Santa!
[all cheering]
It'll be my first happy Xmas
since I got frozen and
never saw my family again!
Now, hold on!
Xmas isn't for a week.
Until then, we got nonstop busy work.
Oh fuff.
Let's stop pretending
we do anything around here.
Everyone, take the week off, and
be with your so-called loved ones.
- [gasping] Really?
- I forgot I had loved ones!
It's a human resources miracle!
[excited chatter]
Uncle Fry,
I hope you'll join me and Cubert
at my chalet in the Bronx.
My family's hoping to meet Fry.
I mean, they met him before,
but he didn't make much of an impression.
I'll wear out my welcome at one,
and then go to the other.
[excited chatter]
- So, Bender
- No.
You and I are
the only ones with no family.
- Maybe we could
- No.
- Hang out?
- Oh. Hang out, you say?
Let me think that over for a
No. Oh, sorry.
Uh, I thought you were still talking.
[festive music playing]
[Fry and Cubert grunting, laughing]
[sweaters whirring]
[beeping, flash]
[festive steel drum music playing]
[game beeping]
[fan whirring]
[somber music playing]
[sighs] It's just you and me,
moldy sandwich man.
[dial tone, beep]
Hello. Calculon acting.
Hey, it's me!
Your extremely close friend Bender.
Wanna hang out?
How did you get this number?
I didn't! I'm just dialing
every number in order.
- Keep dialing.
- [grumbles] This nuts bolts!
[slams receiver]
- Hey, Bender.
- Yes? I mean no!
I brought dumpster nog
And not the kind for kids.
- Hm. What's in it?
- What's not in it?
- You want nutmeg on that?
- Nutmeg? Gross!
Five golden rings! ♪
Four something something,
three something else ♪
Two no one cares, and a partridge ♪
Drowned in our nog! ♪
[dripping, splats]
This stuff is strong!
Hey, how many glasses
have we hadded?
This is just from the fumes.
[glasses clink]
Aw, it's not fair!
Everyone else gets to have fun
with their stupid family.
My species dies when we reproduce.
So if I had a family, I'd be dead.
- Does anyone even care about that?
- I sure don't.
If you ask me,
"good" Santa is ruining Xmas.
I'd like to give him such a snipping.
Ooh, I'd bend him a new one!
But he's not here right now!
But, he has was been here.
Every Xmas, he shows up in the fire hole.
We could drunk drive the time machine
to last Xmas and kidnap him!
Then, he won't be able to
deliver presents this Xmas!
And our stupid friends' holiday
will be ruined!
Is kidnapping Santa a good idea,
or does it just seem like a good idea
because we're intoximated?
It's a good [belches]
[woozy giggling]
[opens time machine door]
[woozy laugh]
Set course for last Xmas!
Jingle bells, Zoidberg smells
just like rotten eggs ♪
I'm immortalized in song.

[loud munching]
And here we are, last Xmas.
Get him!
Bite my glittering festive ass!
[surprised grunting]
Unhand me, you naughty boys!
[muffled yelling]
[Bender grunts]
[muffled yelling]

[muffled yelling]
- Shove him in the old meat locker!
- We have an old meat locker?
BENDER [singing]:
Silent night ♪
Holy night ♪
[Bender grunts]
[door creaks]
[Bender and Zoidberg grunting]
Oh, boy. Hey, boy.
[Bender grunts]
Try spreading joy now, you big Xmas ham.
[door creaks, slams]
- We're geniuses!
- I'm geniuses!
Do the Bender!
Do the Bender! ♪
Do the Bender! Do the Bender! ♪
[Zoidberg whooping]
You know, Zoidberg,
you're only half as bad
- as I thought you were.
- [sniffles] That means a lot.
[metallic bang]
Uh-oh. We woke the meat up.
[dramatic music playing]
[angry growl]
- What do we do?
- The time machine!
BENDER: Good idea!
Get ready to sleep in heavenly peace!
[Bender and Zoidberg whimper]
Ho, ho
[zapping, yelling]
BOTH: Ooh Ah
[Santa yelling]
He's dead.
We killed Santa Claus.
- Uh You killed Santy Claus.
- Uh Robot?

[frightened squeal]
[tense music playing]
This was supposed to be
a fun kidnapping!
What do we do now?
We gotta get rid of the body.
That's usually pretty fun.

Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!
- Stroke!
- Oops.
[distant ship horn]
Okay. Now, we just add some
extra weight to sink the corpse.
[heavy bang]
It's not working!
[marker squeaking]
Still nothing!
Why! Won't! You! Sink!?
[both sputtering]
[both panting]
[police siren blaring]
- URL: Hands up, boat bags.
- What's with the bloated floater?
I admit it! We murd [grunts]
Uh, just, uh, dumping
some toxic waste, officers.
- Huh. Guess you gotta put it somewhere.
- Carry on, night dumpers.

[Bender giggles]
[boat rumbling]
Dwight, it's time to teach you
the Conrad holiday turducken recipe.
- Cooked in alphabetical order.
- Alrighty then.
We gonna start with the chicken,
then duck, and then
[muttering] Let me see now.
Now the E and the F
[normal] Husband!
We using flamingo this year?
At $20 a pound!?
No, thank you.
[dramatic music playing]
- It's not working!
- Flush harder!
I'm flushing as hard as I can!
Got any other ideas,
Mr. I'm-So-Great-At-Hiding-Corpses?
Well, at least I have ideas!
What do you suggest?
We could try an acid bath.
- That does sound relaxing, but
- No! We'll dissolve Santa's body!
Professor has some acid
upstairs in his lab.
I'll go fill this trash bag.
[footsteps departing]
[liquid dripping, hissing]
[floor creaking]
[hissing, bubbling]
Remind me, is this the ground floor?
[both yell]
Behold, my family's
traditional Yuletide feast.
[grunts] Turdolphin!
It's fresh turtle cooked inside
a fermented dolphin.
Wow. Soon, it's gonna be
barf inside a vomit.
Dad. Shh!
Keep the truth to yourself.
- Which part smells like whale butt?
- Ooh, that would be the gravy.
[dramatic music playing]
You ruined everything!
You're the one who wanted to kidnap Santa!
Oh, yeah?
Well, you enabled me,
so shut up and keep pushing him
into the meat grinder!
Bender, look! It's working!
Wait. Where's my claw?
[festive music playing]
Gather round, relatives, as I cook up
turducken a la Farnsworth
with this 3D poultry printer.
As long as it's got three dimensions,
I'll eat it.
We start with liquid chicken.
[beeping, whirring]
Then, some duck filament.
And finally, a whole fresh turkey.
I printed this one out earlier.
[bones crunching]
[licking fingers, humming happily]
Oh, man. I need to head out
if I'm gonna make it to Leela's.
- Do you have any skis?
- No, but I can print some.
[pop, whirring]

How are we making turducken?
There's nothing in the refrigerator.
Eh, that fridge doesn't work.
We use it as a spare bedroom.
We serve fresh turducken, Leela.
They roam the sewers in huge flocks.
[gobbling, quacking, clucking]
- Are they hard to catch?
- Oh, no. They crave death.
[various squawks]
[door creaks]
Hey! Sorry I'm late.
- I got hungry and ate my skis.
- Fry, you made it!
You remember my parents
and my grandma?
[tentacle squishing]
Ah, yes. The rose of the sewers.
- Mwah!
- Leela, if you don't marry him,
I will.
So, uh, where's Bender and Zoidberg?
What? I figured they were with you.
Or something.
They're probably relaxing by the fire.
[dramatic sting]
[Bender whimpering]
The only rational option
is to eat Santa.
- Right? Right!?
- I don't know!
Oh, this is a nightmare before Xmas.
I wish we'd never become friends!
We're not friends!
And we never were!
[emotional music playing]
But we danced. And murdered.
I'll do the carving. You want
white Christmas or dark Christmas?
[knocking on door]
[both yelp]
[door creaks]
ALL: Surprise!
Bah humbug!

Nobody's home!
Leave a message at the beep.
- Beep!
- Open up or we'll carol!
Uh, Bender! We have company!
Uh, just a sec! I'm tidying up.
[clanking, chainsaw roaring,
metal scraping]
LEELA: Hii-yah!
Come in, come in!
Everything's normal.
[footsteps approach]
Merry Xmas, you guys.
We didn't know you hadn't
been invited anywhere.
We came as soon as we realized
what losers you are.
- Uh, punch?
- Nah, I'll just have a beer.
[creak, pop]
Who's hungry? We all brought
our families' unique holiday dishes.
- Turducken!
- Turdolphin!
- Huh.
- How thoughtful of you all
to drop this disturbing food off,
and then be immediately on your way.
- Goodbye!
- Dinner's served!
Isn't that pretty?
It looks like a magazine.
since when do you have three legs?
Uh, uh, th-this one's a spare.
In case I break down on the highway.
And why is it wearing a snow boot?
[muffled yelling]
[carving knife whirring]
[heartwarming music playing]
Finally, an old-time happy Xmas,
with presents for everyone!
I'm hoping for Batman underpants.
Santa should be here any minute now.
[kids and Fry cheering]
The guilt is too much! I confess!
Santa won't [muffled grumbling]
[sleigh bells jingling]
- What's that? Who's jingling!?
- Ah, here he comes!
[whimsical Christmas music playing]
- Yay! It's good Santa!
- Indeed, because I fixed him.
Santa seems less dead than we thought.
[laser whirring]
ALL: Ooh
[all screaming]
[glass breaking, smashing]
I don't understand. He's still evil!
I personally went back in time
and reversed his naughty-nice sensor!
- Uh-oh.
- What you do, old man?
[gunfire continues] Oh, I've
made a complete Fry of myself.
You see, Santa's sensor
was exactly like the one
on this punch bowl.
When he was first built,
it was in the correct position.
But when I went back in time,
I flipped it around.
Me! Oh, lordy-loo.
I'm the one who made Santa evil.
[all gasp]
You monster!
[loud rumbling]
[electricity fizzling]
[sleigh bells jingle]
You've all been very naughty!
Especially you, Mandy.
- I'm sorry I forgot to feed the hamster!
- Arm yourselves!
[dramatic music playing]
[all screaming]
Cookie? [munching]
And here we are, last Xmas.
- Get him!
- Bite my glittering festive ass.
[surprised grunting]
Unhand me, you naughty boys.
[muffled yelling]
Who are those handsome guys,
- and what are they doing to poor Santa?
- That's us, you idiot.
You didn't take us to last Xmas.
You took us to next Xmas!
Meaning this Xmas!
Damn it, Bender. I'm a doctor,
not a time machine guy!
[confused chatter]
[power whirring]
I think I speak for everyone when I say,
- uh-whuh?
- I can't hold it in anymore!
[muffled yelling]
We kidnapped and murdered Santa!
[all gasp]
- Oh.
- We didn't mean to, but still!
[both crying]
Stop blubbering, you bloobs!
You're heroes!
- [crying] BENDER: What-roes?
- The professor set Santa to kill!
You saved all [muttering]
19 of us!
- We're heroes?
- Damn right, we are!
BOTH: Do the Bender!
Do the Bender! Do the Bender! ♪
[Zoidberg whooping]
Aw, Bender!
You and Zoidberg are friends now?
- That's so cute.
- Uh, absolutely not!
You're all having a mass hallucination!
So, what happened to Santa?
You're drinking out of him.
There's one thing
I still don't understand.
Which one of you meatbags
wrote the creepy notes?
[dramatic sting]
'Twas I!
[all gasp]
- I sent the notes from the future!
- Because I murdered you?
No! Because I knew
what you did next Xmas.
You became friends with Zoidberg!
- So I'm blackmailing you!
- No No!
You take Amy's Venmo?
- Sure.
- Hey!
[festive music playing]
SANTA: Cookie!
[electricity fizzling]
Yo, Santa Bot!
I'ma drop my Futurama
Xmas list for 3023.
Y'all ready for this?
I'm about to get nice.
[Christmas hip-hop music playing]

[Christmas hip-hop music ends]

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