Futurama s08e07 Episode Script

Rage Against the Vaccine

[suspenseful music playing]
[music crescendos]
[theme song playing]
[serene music playing]
[on speaker]
Congratulations, fellow citizens!
3023 will go down in history
as the year we triumphed over COVID-19!
[crowd cheering]
LINDA [on TV]:
We interrupt the triumph over COVID-19
- for a special report. A new virus
- Oh, for Pete's sake.
A new virus dubbed EXPLOVID-23
has broken out among the mutants
who dwell beneath New New York.
Symptoms include blinding,
uncontrollable anger!
As well as a mild cough,
which I don't have. I'm fine.
A complete travel ban
to and from the sewers
is being enforced by
the city's fattest police officers.
Bye, Mom! Bye, Dad! Love ya!
- Feh. Always with the love.
- We already hugged you.
Now, we gotta talk about it?
[both cough]
[manhole slams]
Sorry I'm late.
[Bender crinkles]
Let's move, you sofa snails!
We've got a delivery!

[cheering and applause]
And now, I'm proud to present
the city's highest award,
the key to
the Times Square liquor cabinet,
to the super-spreader of truth himself,
Bill Nye, the Science Head!
Congratulations, Mr. Science.
Let me just bend
that mic for you. [grunting]
[mic feedback]
[clears throat]
Thank you for
this tremendously dubious honor.
After what seemed like
- a thousand years of COVID
- But was actually more!
I declare the pandemic
to be officially over.
[all coughing]
[crowd coughing]
Watch where ya's coughin', bow tie!
- [grunts] Ow-zers!
- For crying out loud!
[mayor grunts]

I'm using the principles of aerodynamics
to get the hell outta here!
[airplane whirring]
[dramatic music playing]
Do it again!
[Amy groans]
An anger pandemic?
Not to point fingers,
- but Leela's spreading it.
- I am not, you jerks! [coughs]
I'm just running a couple degrees
angrier than normal.
Good news, infecter-inos!
I've developed a test
to see who's got the virus
and who's just naturally mean.
You simply jam this Q-tip up your nose
[squishing, cracking]
way, way up your nose,
- and collect a brain matter sample.
- That looks kinda fun.
I can't wait to do it hundreds of times!
Now, we wait for a line to appear
under the two control dots.
If the line curves up, you're fine.
[cheerful ding]
Here goes nothin'. [grunts]
[Amy, Hermes, Leela grunting]
[Zoidberg humming, slurping]
[cheerful dinging]
[loud buzz]
This can't be right, Professor!
Your test stinks,
and so does your ugly face!
- Oh no! She's got it!
- Quarantine her in the angry dome!
[air whooshes]
[yelping, grunting]
Stupid, stinkin', lousy,
no good, son of a

While we don't yet know
how the virus spreads,
we do know it's anger-based.
I am therefore issuing an executive aroo
that everyone wear a mask over their ears
to prevent the transmission
of upsetting remarks.
Agnew! Come!
[Agnew groans]
Mr. President, how could this
- possibly be of the slightest
- Thanks, fellas.
Since I don't hear any questions,
this prrress conference is adjourned!
Out of an abundance of caution,
all work will henceforth go remote
using a new app called Gloom.
In some ways, it will be better.
Especially for those of us with families.
[Dwight humming]
Dwight, stop Gloom-bombing
your dad's meeting!
And put on some britches!
Hey, LaBarbara. How's your grandma?
She improvin'?
- Yeah, she doin' alright.
- Give her my best. [static]
ZOIDBERG [glitching]: I'm having
trouble with my Anybody hear
Wi-Fi issues hungry.
[Bender chewing loudly]
Bender, you idiot!
- Do you have to eat those now?!
- I don't have to eat anything ever.
[loud eating]
- I'm warning you!
- [laughs] What are you gonna do?
[Bender grunts]
- Wow, this technology's come a long way.
- I actually like working on Gloom.
These hair filters save a ton of time.
- Uh-wha
- Professor, you're a teddy bear!
I assure you I am not.
[sparkling, bubbling]
Is this the Gloom room
where I can refill my prescriptions?
- No! This is a delivery company!
- Can you deliver my prescriptions?
We could, but we won't!
Oh, this is a dismal failure.
Everyone report to the office in person.
But, Professor! That is a violation
of health and safety standards.
Everything we do is a violation
of health and safety standards!
Just wear a mask!
[energetic music playing]
HERMES: We are dealing
with a highly contagious virus,
so we'll need to practice hygiene theater.
[hocks, spits]
AMY: You know, I heard there's
not really even a virus at all.
It's just a big hoax,
like the moon landing.
You were on the moon last week!
You grew up on Mars!
That's what they want you to think!
HERMES: Ugh. Enough with
the conspiracy theories, people!
Let's look at the facts.
Irrational rage,
spread through saliva and spit,
constant angry moaning.
It's all the classic symptoms
of zombie-ism!
- [all scoffing]
- AMY: No way!
That's completely unscientific, Hermes.
EXPLOVID victims
move at way too normal a speed
to be zombies.
HERMES: There are all speeds
of zombies out there!
Fast ones. Slow ones.
Brisk shufflers.
But the cure is always the same.
- Voodoo.
- Balderdash!
People stopped believing in voodoo
back in Fry's time.
HERMES: But voodoo didn't
stop believing in them.
Voodoo may not be well understood,
- but it gets results.
- You know what else gets results?
Public ridicule.
[all laugh]
HERMES [gritted teeth]:
And yet, there are zombies.
[stew bubbling]
[sips] Oh shoot.
I forgot to pick up a goat!
Dwight, go across the hall
and borrow goat from Mrs. Wilson.
Pack your bags. We are
going to New New Orleans.
- [gasps] For Mardi Gras?
- No. Well, I mean,
it happens to be Mardi Gras,
but that's beside the point!
I believe there are people there
who could defeat this virus with
[dramatic sting]
[dramatic sting]
Dwight, go to your room right now!
[goat bleats]
You are messin' with powers
you don't understand, husband.
- But I do!
- Then come with me, woman!
You must listen to me
'cause I grew up in a voodoo family,
and zombie-ism killed my father!
Then brought him back to life!
Me don't want anymore
to do with that world.
Then I'll have to seek out
these practitioners of
the dark arts on my own.
Hopefully, they are near that place
with the good beignets.
Be very careful, husband,
and promise me one thing.
If you survive,
you gonna bring me back
some of them beignets!

[gun cocking, whirring]
It's my emotional support gun.
Which section, sir?
Business or fighting?
- Uh, the first one.
- Right this way.
- Hand sanitizer?
- No thanks.
Eh, more for me.
Ma'am? Ma'am?
Please, don't jam your husband
into the overhead bin.
Don't you tell my wife
how to jam me into things!
I know my rights.
I'm recording you!
And I'm recording you for
recording him without permission!
[all yelling]
[dramatic music playing]
As your mayor, I'm proud to announce
that our city's most prominent egghead
has developed a vaccine that will end
my terrible poll numbers
once and for all!
[excited chatter]
[shutters snap]
Quite so.
Thanks to cutting-edge RNA technology,
my vaccine is as potent as it is untested.
My essentially identical vaccine
- is far superior!
- Wernstrom.
- It's a two-shot regimen.
- Oh, yeah? Well, mine's three,
and it makes
your shoulder sore for a month!
Mine makes your arm shrivel
and fall off!
Big deal!
Mine comes with a futuristic way
of knowing exactly who's been
vaccinated and who hasn't,
a small scrap of easily lost paper.
[wind blowing]
[gentle music playing]
I made your favorite, Leela.
Chicken-shaped steak!
[cutlery clinking]
"Wow, this is great, Fry!"
Is what I'd say if this
pan sauce weren't so bland!
Yeah, well, I know that's
just the virus talking.
How's the cream pie?
[gasps, gurgles]
Scoop Chang, New New Yorker Crossword
Puzzle editor, Smartwatch Edition.
Dr. Wernstrom,
what do you say to reports
your vaccine has the side effect
of magnetism?
That's a feature, not a bug.
[amazed chatter]
Linda, Morbo and Linda.
According to an anonymous internet post,
your anti-anger vaccine causes sterility.
- Care to comment?
- The sterility is essential!
Studies show that kids
are what make people angriest!
Everyone hates kids!
Am I the only journalist here
- who even bothered to bring my own facts?
- Dr. Banjo!
Yes, the Dr. Banjo
of The Dr. Banjo Experience
Podcast Experience Hour.
Professor Farnsworth, how do you respond
to rumors I'm starting
- that there are 5G chips in your vaccine?
- I would simply reassure you
that the 5G chips are safe
and purely for surveillance purposes.
[shocked chatter]
Dear God!
But that's how it works!
The 5G chips track the virus particles,
so the space lasers can shoot them.
Keep that quackery away from me!
[tense music playing]
[fighting, shouting]
- May I take your tray, ma'am?
- No, you may not take my dang tray!
Why do we have to serve shish kabob?
[door creaks]
Hey, don't make me come back there!
- Sir, please go back to your seat.
- I'm the captain!
Don't you pull rank with me, flyboy!
- Sit your tushy down, and drive this thing.
- Tushy my ass!
[alarm beeping]
[dramatic music playing]
[whirring, screeching]
[all screaming]
CAPTAIN [over PA]:
This is the captain speaking.
Passengers fighting in
the window seats will notice
we're careening past
scenic Lake Pontchartrain.
[jazz music playing]
[gumbo splattering]
[crowd cheering]
[distant crash]
[glass shattering]
[metal creaking]
Help I can't move my legs
Ooh! I smell gumbo!
[grunting, wincing]
[bones cracking]
[glass crunching]
[jazz music playing]
[crowd chatter]
[gasps, shudders]
[door creaks]
[mysterious music playing]
Hello, madam.
Is this the Voodoo HQ?
- Shh. You do voodoo?
- You misconstrue.
- Who do voodoo at the HQ?
- Entendu.
- But such information won't come cheap.
- I found this quarter outside.
Don't worry.
I wiped off most of the vomit.
[quarter clicking]
Then let us consult the tarot.
[cards shuffle, whir]
[mysterious music playing]
The Key of Bones,
the Hanging Man,
the Man Being Crushed by a Big Beignet,
and the Man Being Beaten
by the Saints Mascot.
- Which path do you choose?
- Hm.
- What's in that pot under the hanging guy?
- Boiling gumbo.
I'll start with the gumbo.
[street chatter]
- Hit me.
- ELZAR: Bam! [squeals]
Mm. Kinda mild.
Guess I'll try this one instead.
[dramatic sting]
This damned pandemic would be over
if only people would take my vaccine.
- Why is everyone but me so stupid?!
- Splah.
Because everyone
but you uses social media!
[beep] These vaccine fascists
are taking away our freedom!
I might as well be in a cage
at the zoo, like my aunt! [beep]
This confounded mask
is destroying my lungs.
[sighs] All this misinformation
on Facebag is tearing us apart.
I wonder who's posting it.
[ominous music playing]
- What else should I post, Dad?
- Who cares? The crazier the better.
Tell 'em worm medicine helps!
Those poor, easily manipulated fools.
- Soon, our time to invade will draw near!
- Sounds fun.
I'll pack my scream-canceling headphones.
LEELA [on speaker]:
Lousy, rotten, tiny angry dome!
Leela? I'm really sorry.
I tried shoving these
flowers where you said,
but I just couldn't manage it.
- Please take them.
- Don't come any closer, you dope!
- You'll get sick and probably beat up.
- I don't care.
I can't stand being apart any longer!
I'm coming in.
[creaks, clangs]
[both fighting, grunting]
[both coughing]
[both moaning]
[coughing, moaning]
[both coughing]

That fortune teller must have been
jerking my chicken!
There's nothing here!
[door creaks]
Nothing but us bones, mon ami.
Sweet andouille of St. Louis!
A robot made of bones!
Je m'appelle Bonebot.
Been bones-keepin' this boneyard
for three bone-dred years.
Oh good! Because I am
on a bone-related errand.
I'm looking for a secret
bone key to the Voodoo HQ.
I ain't never seen no bone key.
Have you checked that
prominently displayed skull?
[bones clattering]
Well, huh. Guess I never really
done looked 'round the place.
Probably 'cause I got no eyes.
Come on! I'll give you a ride.
[fanboat roaring]
[dramatic music playing]
Go on and git from here, gar fish!
That eighth bowl of gumbo
may have been a mistake.
No amount of gumbo's a mistake, mon ami.
Water's always choppy in there here parts
on account of the force field levees.
[fanboat whirring down]
Y'all see a dugong from Macon,
run him down!
He absconded with my daughter's dowry.
[insects chirping]
[ominous music playing]
[teeth chattering]
This place gimme the heebie-jeebies,
and not the boogie-woogie kind!
- You're literally made of bones!
- And I aim to keep it that way!
[Hermes grunts]
Bon voyage!
[wood creaks]
[gulps, pants]
[clicking, rumbling]
[eerie piano music playing]
Wh-Who goes there?
[deep laugh]
[sting dramatic]
- Barbados Slim?!
- People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive.
Come in, Hermes!
Make yourself feel inadequate.
[ominous music playing]
[spacecraft whirring]
[intense music playing]
Tonight, Earth is under attack.
Alien invaders have taken advantage
of our planet's internal divisions
to launch an all-out assault.
[lasers blasting]
Die, you disgusting freak!
[coughing] I just hope I kill you
before those invaders do.
- All hope is lost. Morbo?
- They must be destroyed!
Both sides must be destroyed!
[Linda laughs, coughs]
I am so sick of you!
MORBO: Help!
You're the head of the Voodoo HQ?
- I can't believe it!
- Believe it, man.
Me studied with the best of the best.
She goes by the name of
[Hermes gasps]
And she was good at voodoo, too.
You stay away from her!
She's married to me now!
You two are mostly ancient history.
History has a way
of repeating itself, brother.
- Now, what brings you here?
- The virus. I believe voodoo
might be the only thing that can fight it.
Well, that much is obvious.
I thought it might be
a form of demonic possession,
- but the tests came back negative.
- But consider this.
My theory is the virus
is a type of zombie-ism!
Sweet potatoes of Barbados!
You don't see a lot of angry,
shouting zombies,
but it would explain a lot.
Hermes, you may have cracked this coconut.
Stop naming foods!
Gettin' hungry again.
Sadly, curing zombie-ism is
the kind of voodoo I don't do.
There's only one person
with that expertise,
and I'm afraid
[door creaks]
Afraid she might be too sexually
attracted to you to think straight?
- [chuckles] Well, you're mostly right.
- LaBarbara?!
Hermes, I couldn't
let you do this alone.
You were brave to come here,
and I love you.
- Well, hello, Barbados.
- But, how did you find us here?
And why do you have a key
to Barbados' place?
- Eh, that's not important.
- I've also got a key to your place.
- Also not important.
- Come! Follow me to the inner sanctum.
[bones rattle]
[mysterious music playing]
[bones rattling]
What dark, well-lit sorcery is this?
[machines beeping]
[intense music playing]
[spacecraft whirring]
[crowd screaming]
People of Earth!
I am Lrrr,
ruler of the planet Omicron Persei 8!
[coughing] Excuse me.
I shall rule mercilessly
over your weak and divided
That's odd.
I've never sneezed before.
- I don't even have a nose.
- Me neither. [sneezes]
Stop interrupting me while I'm
trying to dominate these people!
You couldn't dominate a bowl of fudge!
Although you sure try!
- Oh yeah? [coughs]
- Oh! [coughs]
It's better than
that flavor-free dessert
- that you serve. [coughs]
- NDND: Is that right?
[loud buzz]
Oh, it's just as I feared.
The virus has mutated
with Omicronium NDNDNA.
- It's a highly contagious Omicron variant.
- You're a contagious variant!
Go back where you came from,
you Omi-clods.
[weak snap]
Everyone is so angry.
- Especially me!
- [grunts] Ow! My schnookus!
[dramatic music playing]
[fighting, yelling, coughing]
Kill all humans!
Kill all humans!
- Can robots even get the virus?
- What virus? [grunts]
[whirring, rattling]
Now, the key is to produce
a voodoo potion
that tricks the body into
thinking it has the virus,
but without actually gettin' the disease.
Aha! So, the immune system
falls under its spell
and produces anti-jujus
that attack the spike protein,
- thus inoculating against future infection.
- Precisely.
You got some serious mental pecs, husband.
My second favorite kind.
Hey, cut that out!
Why didn't I get a wink
for my mental pecs?
Now, we gonna need
an animal sacrifice.
- I-I mean, um, test subject.
- Not me. [coughs]
- I'm too angry!
- Don't worry, man.
- The doll won't feel a thing.
- Ow! My calculator arm!
I just hope it's got the mojo
to defeat this anger virus.
Come, let's run a test.
[LaBarbara moans]
Hm. I just feel a normal,
easy-to-repress rage.
Then, perhaps we should test it
a bit more thoroughly.
That's enough testing!

LABARBARA: Voodoo shots!
Freshly conjured voodoo shots!
Can you assure me there is absolutely
no science in this vaccine?
Nothing but
100% Louisiana swamp voodoo.
[Dr. Banjo grunts]
[monkey ooking]
[doll squeaks]
- I was, uh, promised a lollipop.
- Uh, here. [slurp]
Mm, tastes a bit like wig glue.
What a bunch of mumbo gumbo!
[doll squeaks]
Anything I can't understand is fake!
Ahh, that's better.
Hermes, my friend.
I owe you an apology
for being so anti-voodoo.
It may seem bat-whack crazy to a layman,
but I see now that voodoo methods
are built on centuries
of brilliant scholarship.
It's okay, Professor.
And it's understandable.
After all,
any sufficiently advanced magic
is indistinguishable from science.
[stab, inject]
Ahh yeah
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