Futurama s08e08 Episode Script

Zapp Gets Cancelled

[dramatic music playing]
[foreboding crescendo]
[theme song playing]
[ominous music playing]
ZAPP BRANNIGAN: Captain's log.
Stardate, National Donut Day.
We're under attack from
a ship made of solid fire.
All weapons simply pass through
and come out the other end.
Like that ball bearing
I once mistook for a mint.
[Kif groans]
It's a conundrum, Kif.
Pray fetch my travel tub.
I do my best thinking in the shower.
[shower running]
Ya ba bum ♪
Ya ba bum bum bum ♪
[groans] Could you at least
close the curtain, sir?
ZAPP: Certainly.
[curtain rattles]
[missiles exploding]
Lieutenant Kroker! You expect
me to think without a loofah?
- Where's my loofah?
- What loofah?
You! You're the loofah.
[Kif grunting]
Will you be quiet?
I'm trying to think!
Ah-ha! Water!
Fire's mortal enemy!
Lieutenant, fire water.
[click, buzz]
[mechanical whirring]
[suspenseful music playing]
[water dripping]
[pipes rattling]
What the ?
Who used up all the water?
Your shower depleted
the ship's three-year supply, sir.
[laser blasting]
ZAPP: Well, no worries.
I can end this battle with two words.
[dramatic sting]
"We surrender."
[ethereal voice]
Sign this certificate of defeat,
so I can show my mom.
[fire crackling]
Kif, my desk.
I'll just put the old Zapp Hancock on it.
Big confident dot on the I.
[Kif grunts]
You're juicier than I thought, Kif.
[Kif groaning]
I have had it!
I'm through putting up with your
[inhales] crap!
- I'm filing a formal complaint!
- It's pronounced compliment.

And now, I am proud to present
the monthly Only Good Employee
- of the Month Award.
- [joyless] Yay.
This month's recipient
has the special distinction
of also having won the award
every previous month.
Do you think it's me?

[shutter snaps, printing]
- Congratulations!
- Well done, Leela.
You've reached the pinnacle of success
in the stagnant,
dead-end delivery business.
You've really hit rock top!
Thanks, everybody.
It's a dream come true.
A recurring dream.
That I can't wake up from.
Who wants cake?
There's one handful left. I'll have it.
[dramatic music playing]
[gavel bangs] I call this
disciplinary hearing to order.
Captain Brannigan,
Lieutenant Kroker has made some serious,
though somewhat amusing, allegations.
- Do you have counsel?
- I say, I say, present!
Lieutenant Kroker,
do you have counsel?
[wings flapping]
You're representing
both sides in this case?
- Till my wings give out, Your Honor.
- I'm going to allow this.
Now, Mr. Kroker, please describe
the horrific treatment you endured
at the hands of my innocent
other client there.
He took a public shower
and used me to
scrub his armpit.
[audience gasps]
It was a joke. Literally
everyone was laughing except Kif.
He insisted on telling me
his fantasies about my wife!
- That was just locker room talk.
- He wore greenface!
It was a Halloween costume.
He made me watch him perform
an erotic fan dance
with a ping-pong paddle
and a no-show sock.
- It was a different time!
- It was yesterday!
- So you admit it!
- Your Honor, I have reached a verdict.
- I find my client, Zapp Brannigan, guilty.
- I'm going to allow this.
[gavel bangs]
Captain Brannigan, there is
no room in this organization
for bullying and harassment.
Your egregious behavior cannot
- Why are you massaging me?
- You just seem so tense.
Also, you should smile more.
You're prettier when you smile.
See? It's just nicer for everyone.
It is therefore this court's judgment
- that you face the ultimate penalty.
- Dating a woman over 35?
Zapp Brannigan,
you are hereby canceled.
[dramatic sting]
The second-worst punishment.
You will be stripped of your title
while you undergo mandatory
sensitivity training.
And for the duration of your cancellation,
you shall wear the Scarlet C.
I object to these
frivolous, paltry charges.
Frivolous poultry?
You insult me, sir!

[rotary phone ringing]
- LEELA: Who is it? Poop?
- Captain Turanga Leela,
you put in an application
to be a DOOP pilot?
- Uh, yeah. Like an hour ago.
- You're hired.

[all cheering]
Captain of the Nimbus!
So you're gonna be
Kif's commanding lobster?
- Negative. Right?
- Affirmative.
I'm taking some family leave,
so I can get bossed around
by someone I like.
Psst. Stinky needs changing.
But the DOOP did authorize me
to bring along
two trusted crew members.
A first officer, which, in
a bold command decision,
- will be Fry.
- Aw, thanks, honey.
I mean, Captain Honey. Sir.
[blows kiss]
And a Chief Science Officer.
- Professor
- [yells]
I, Bender, humbly accept
this prestigious appointment.
Also, it comes with double salary.
So long and good luck, you three.
You have been an important part
of the Planet Express family,
and you'll be greatly missed.
[heartfelt music playing]
Next item of business. We have
one, two,
three office chairs for sale.
[dramatic music playing]
I'm here for the sensitivity training,
and, uh, also, do you have
a better-looking sister?
Please go inside and take a seat.
The training will begin shortly.
Howdy, cancel mates.
- You wanna know why I got sent here?
- Nope.
Indecent exposure!
[loud whirring]
[cackling evilly]
[doors creak]
[panting] You all saw it, right?
You wanna see it again?
- I could barely see it the first time.
- What?! [grunts, whirring]
I've seen brighter. [slurps]
Yeah, well,
it's not about the brightness.
It's about the color temperature!
- How 'bout you? What did you do?
- Meh, it was total BS.
Some people "alleged"
I was verbally abusive
and threw food at my coworkers.
- I mean, a lot of people, actually.
- That's ridiculous.
You're obviously not
the type to waste food.
You should talk, you
family-sized bucket of lard-ass!
- [grunts]
- Ow! That hurt in more ways than one.
It hurt in two ways.
[door opens]
[footsteps thumping]
Hello, class.
I'm Dr. Kind, your sensitivity instructor.
- Wow, you're ugly.
- Oh! Now, we don't talk that way in here.
This is a safe space.
The fact is, sometimes,
our words hurt other people,
and we need to be made aware
of how that feels.
[ominous music playing]
[deep voice] It feels like this!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
This isn't some woke-ass seminar!
This course will take the form
of a simulated space mission,
with me as your abusive captain!
And you'll learn from the example
I'm not setting!
[normal voice] Now, kindly
follow me to the simulator.
Ooh, careful. There's a step.
[mysterious music playing]
[deep voice]
This mission may be simulated,
but my abuse will be very real.
Set course for degradation!
Hm, never been there.
Sounds exotic.

I'm pleased to have a civilian pilot
of your caliber, Leela.
The DOOP is rebranding to project an image
of peaceful exploration rather than war.
Also, we want to show we care about
looking like we care about hiring women.
[dramatic music playing]
LEELA: Wow, it's huge!
It's like a Princess cruise ship
with laser cannons!
- I hope they have a kids' center.
- They don't.
But there's a buffet with
all-you-can-eat week-old sashimi.
[dramatic music playing]
LEELA: [whispers]
I'm really nervous.
What if I can't handle this?
Leela, I know absolutely nothing,
but I know one thing.
You'll be great.
Nimbus crew,
I'm pleased to introduce
Zapp Brannigan's replacement,
Captain Turanga Leela.
At ease, crew.
I, um, I know I'm nothing
like Zapp Brannigan, but I
[loud cheering]

LEELA: Dear Captain's Diary.
If you're not me, don't read this.
We're preparing to make first contact
with a primitive civilization.
Anyway, G2G. TTYL.
PS, Fry looks cute.
Captain, it's time to
descend to the planet.
- Have you readied a shuttle-copter?
- I've been thinking about that.
Maybe we shouldn't intimidate them
- with our advanced technology.
- Hm
I like to intimidate new civilizations,
- but what did you have in mind?
- A bucket on a rope.
[Bender grunts]
Sorry you can't come, Bender.
Your robot technology might scare them.
[mocking gibberish]
Safe travels.
[dramatic music playing]
- This was a clever idea, Captain.
- See, Leela? You're doing great.
[all screaming]
[rope whipping]
[evil laughter]
Hope my robot technology
isn't scaring you.
And now, to stop it.

[all screaming]
[screaming, grunting]
[inhabitants gasping]
Hello! We are people from the sky
who come in peace.
They speak Tactillian.
[air whistling]
I am Airee, Quing of Planet Tactillia.
For centuries, we have wondered
if we are alone in the universe.
But now, we know intelligent life exists,
flying among the stars in a bucket.
[Tactillians ooh and ah]
The bucket people have
unusual bodies, oh Quing.
They have fewer knobs, but not none!
Just 'cause I'm wearing a short skirt
[nasally] no means no.
Blech! What are you doing?
Stop that!
Captain! Respect their customs!
We need to win the hearts
and knobs of these people.
- But they're so grabby. Oops! [pop]
- [deflating] Whee!
Um Quing Airee, we have
important matters to discuss,
but it may be difficult.
Our civilizations are at
very different levels of technology.
No kidding.
You traveled in a bucket.
- Actually, that was
- We have much to teach you.

[deep voice]
Brush harder, tubby!
You can't yell at me.
You're on your short arms.
I yell at any height I want!
- You! Brush your teeth!
- I don't have teeth.
- Then brush my teeth!
- FLASHBOT: Damn, those are nice
[mouth monster growling]
[gulps] You all think
you've humiliated your crews.
You ain't seen nothin'.
I'm gonna do something so degrading
that you'll never be the same!
I'm going to take a shower
right here on the bridge!
[dramatic sting]
You sicken me.
[majestic music playing]
[balloon deflating]
If you're wondering how our civilization
- became so advanced
- We're not, but
it's because we learned to
harness pneumatic technology.
All the sophisticated machinery you see
- is powered by air.
- I've heard of air.
[pumping, whooshing]
This is our main air power plant.
The air blows through
high-pressure transmission lines,
so our citizens can power their
appliances and inflate their meals.
I'm fascinated by all
this wonderful air.
- Where does it come from?
- I'm glad you asked.
[dramatic music playing]
Oh no, wait. Hang on.
[pumping harder]
[wind blowing]
The Great Blow Hole!
[deep inhale, deep exhale]
Fresh from the hole
[air blowing]
- This is kinda fun.
- Get out of our air!
[Fry yelling]
This is an amazing natural
resource, Quing Airee.
You should do everything
in your power to protect it.
Uh Leela, a word.
I may not have told you
everything about this mission.
These people are lovely and whatever.
It's debatable.
[Fry groans]
- We're really here for the air.
- What?
GLAB: The whole core of
this planet is frozen gas.
It's like a slot machine
that keeps paying out air!
- That sounds like a really boring casino.
- Have you been to space, Leela?
Not a lotta air out there,
and what we do have is, like,
50% burp.
Which is why you must get them
to sign this treaty
- granting us air rights.
- LEELA: So, this peace mission
- isn't really about peace?
- Who said it's not about peace?
It's entirely about peace.
Also, air.
Leela, sometimes we coerce
people with war. [music]
Other times, we take the high road
and trick them with peace.
[burps] Excuse me.
[fanfare plays]
It is my great pleasure
to sign this peace treaty
with Captain Leela
and her big bucket of space friends.
Tradition dictates
that the parties begin
with the ritual knobbling.
- Uh
- Our captain will gladly
- engage in the knobbling.
- I will? I'd rather not.
[whispers] I said knobble!

[sniffing] Blech!
It's starting to get real ripe in here.
No offense, but could it possibly be
all the food you threw?
Let's find out. [grunts]
- Ow.
- Man. It does stink.
It's like rotten flesh
floating in a puddle of vomit.
[curtain slides] You wish.
It's a durian!
[dramatic sting]
- What's a durian, by the way?
- Earth's most putrid yet delicious fruit.
So refreshing after a public shower.
[loud chewing]
My God.
It actually has stink lines.
Tough it out, snowflake!
Now you see how you've
demoralized your own crews!
Crews you expect
to follow you into battle!
At least with me in charge,
they don't suffer long.
Let's see how well you fight
under these conditions.
Crew to simulated battle stations!
[siren blaring] Captain Cranky!
90 degrees to starboard!
Shields up, Flashnut!
- Fire simulated missile, you fat moron!
- So mean. [beep]
[missile launching]
That simulated ship
looks a bit like my real ship,
the Nimbus.
[missile exploding]
Yes! Direct hit!
[laughs] Now, who's the
fat, incontinent moron?
[dramatic music playing]
[lasers blast, missiles explode]
[siren blaring]
[Bender singing along to the siren]
Hey, man, that's catchy!
What song is that playing
on the emergency siren?
It's the emergency siren!
- We're under attack!
- Ah! I'm getting outta here!
[dramatic sting]
[siren continues]

We need this treaty, Leela.
Act like a captain
and start fondling knobs.
[clears throat]
[sighs] On behalf of
the Democratic Order of Planets,
it is my honor to, respectfully,
grope your slimy
[quietly] I can't do it.
Something just seems inappropriate.
Possibly this thing.
[ship roaring]
[impressed gasps]
What a marvelous bucket.
[door whirs]
Jumping Judas.
I've never seen a simulation so realistic.
- Is it "okay" to hit on a simulation?
- What is the meaning of this?
- I thought I canceled all four of you!
- Yes, but I hijacked this ship
after hog-tying your pathetic
sensitivity instructor!
- It was a teachable moment.
- So, our ship was real?
And the simulation was simulated?
[dramatic music playing]
No one cancels Dr. Gary Kind.
- Who's the tall short guy?
- Dr. Gary Kind,
one of the DOOP's
most notorious gropers.
[excited murmuring]
A groper?
[excited chatter]
[all moaning]
Now, this gentleman's a diplomat.
You messed with the wrong
doctor of botanical science.
But I have with me a bio-weapon
of inconceivable power!
He's got something in his jacket!
And so do I!
[Flashbot cackling]
[all gasp]
Jeez. How many more durians
does this guy have?
One. Enough to befoul this
planet's air supply for centuries!
[dramatic sting]
Gary, put down the durian.
We swore never to use those in peacetime.
[rotary phone ringing]
Bender to Leela! The Nimbus
came under attack about an hour ago!
I probably should have called earlier.
Be on the lookout for a small gunship
about yea big from a million miles away.
Captain Leela, command the
Nimbus to fire on Dr. Kind.

LEELA: But, he's surrounded
by those poor innocent pervs.
- They might get hurt.
- [cackling] What a wimp!
Captains need to be ruthless.
Women belong in the kitchen,
- fixing me a sweet durian pie.
- That's an offensive stereotype.
Leela's terrible at baking.
[badge buzzing]
BADGE: Your eight-hour
sensitivity training is complete.
Please deposit me
in the nearest recycling bin.
No chance.
Zapp Brannigan,
having completed your rehabilitation,
I hereby reinstate you
as Captain of the Nimbus.
- Order your ship to fire!
- Uh, thank you, Glab,
but, uh, I'm not sure I can do that.
- Dr. Kind taught me a lot.
- That's wonderful!
I now know there's a difference
between right and wrong.
One of them gets you canceled.
See what you get with PC culture?
Weak captains
too cowardly to shoot the helpless!
[gagging, groaning]
[mechanical clanking]
Ah, what a beautiful night
for smell-gazing.
You should have shot me
before I destroyed your precious air!
If I were captain, I'd have
fired without a second thought!
[badge buzzing]
BADGE: Your eight-hour
sensitivity training is complete.
Please deposit me
[badge screaming]
Dr. Kind, having completed
your rehabilitation,
I name you Captain of the Nimbus.
- Order your ship to
- Fire! [cackling]
[slow motion gasping]
[dramatic music playing]
[slow motion footsteps]
[slow motion yell]
[dramatic sting]
[all cheering]
Leela, you're a hero!
[sniffing, retches]
Quing Airee,
I am now prepared to knobble.
- Don't mind the durian.
- [gagging]
I declare the groping optional.
Where do I sign?

In conclusion,
I sincerely apologize
to all those I've harmed.
Especially Kif Kroker,
the giant sex ladies of Amazonia,
simulated Leela,
and, of course, the late Dr. Kind.
[crowd applauding]
FLASHBOT: Yeah, baby!
[Flashbot cackling]
[Marlene grunts]
Move! This ceremony is for Leela.
Captain Leela,
having heroically secured
our supply of space air,
I present you the DOOP's highest honor,
the Medal of Valor.
[applause, cheering]
It's pronounced velour.
Your refusal to shoot
unarmed civilians when ordered
was an inspiration to us all,
as well as grounds for
a dishonorable discharge!
What do you think this is,
the Peace Corps? Get out!

I guess I just don't have what it takes
- to be a DOOP captain.
- No, you have something better.
You have what it takes to be Leela.
[shutter snaps, printing]

Yum. Durian!
May I slurp your cheek clean
with my tendrils? [slurp]
Eh, sure.
And thanks for asking first.
ZOIDBERG: Ew, blech!
But also yum.

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