Future Man (2017) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
1 (fire crackling) Over here.
Leave it.
Hey, just leave it! Behind the dumpster, quick! Get down, shh, shh.
(dumpster rumbling) (children scream) Please, don't hurt them.
(screaming) (gun charging) (laser blast) (flesh sizzling) Now that's what I call a hole in one.
(lasers whizzing) (popping and zapping) There's the shock.
(heavy breathing) And awe.
(explosion) Hey kid, I think you dropped this.
You're safe now.
Can't say the same for the rest of humanity.
Who are you? - I'm Future Man.
- Joshy.
- No, I'm Future Man.
- Joshy! - Future Man.
- Joshy? Joshy? Joshy! Joshy! Dad, you don't have to wake me up, okay? I have an alarm clock.
Yeah, but not one that makes you pancakes.
Come on, you little buddy boo.
I'm an adult, you don't have to make me pancakes! (joystick cracks) My joystick! (explosion) (door creaks) - Yo! - Hey, Futterman! - How you doing? - I'm doing good, uh, except I need another joystick.
Another one, what happened? You spazz out playing Biotic Wars? Smash your joystick again? Why you still playing that stupid game? I know why.
Because he spanks it to this one Tiger! That is not true, I do not spank it to Tiger.
Dude, you spank it to Tiger so much, your right hand should be called Siegfried, man.
Bam, you like that? I've been working on my slams.
Look, don't worry about it.
We all jerk it to video game people.
I mean, she's not my type.
I prefer Ms.
Pac-Man.
Ms.
Pac-Man is married to Mr.
Pac-Man.
No, because then she would be called Mrs.
Pac-Man, not Ms.
Pac-Man.
This is essentially Pac-Man's daughter.
I'm fucking Pac-Man's daughter under Pac-Man's roof and she's gobbling my dick like homp, homp, homp.
Me personally, I've always wanted to fuck Luigi.
I love Italian dick.
I bet Luigi's dick, the whole dick is hairy.
The whole dick.
He has a dragon that shits eggs like a chicken, that's fucking dope.
Look, Luigi wouldn't last one day in the Biotic Wars.
And, by the way, think about Super Mario Bros.
as a whole.
It's a ridiculous game, it makes no sense at all.
What do you mean, what do you mean? What do you mean, "What do you mean"? Bowser builds a castle, he knows there's little Italian plumbers that are trying to stop him, but yet he makes these giant green pipes that lead right inside.
- That makes no sense.
- No, 'cause it's destiny.
- Destiny?! - That's how you know it's meant to be, he had big pipes.
And the one thing he didn't see coming was two Italian plumbers that fit exactly in those pipes.
Those games suck, come on! Your games suck.
Yeah, your game is literally unbeatable.
That is why I play it, because it's unbeatable.
Think about it.
How many people have beaten Halo? How many people have beaten Call of Duty or BioShock? I play this game because no one has beaten it.
Why would I want to beat a game that everyone can beat? There's nothing special about that.
- That's a true truth.
- Okay, I don't have time for this, I have to get to the lab.
Yeah, have fun saving the world.
Earth 2162.
The human race is on the brink of extinction.
The Biotics, a super race immune to disease, have released a deadly virus killing nearly all of Earth's 40 billion inhabitants.
(clatter) - Hey Carl.
- Hey, Josh, how are you? Living the dream.
What's left of humanity hangs on by a thread, defended by a small army known as the Resistance.
I'm Tiger, this is Wolf.
You're our newest recruit.
Come fight.
Welcome to the Resistance.
Would you like to load previous game, Future Man? Yes, I would.
Let's fuck this place up.
Rip his fucking dick off! Weapon upgrade, X28 Psychoblaster.
Nice, X28 Psychoblaster.
Enemy vehicle approaching.
Use your subatomic sensor mine.
Thank you for that, Wolf.
- Blow 'em back to hell.
- Yeah, hoo! Come on, come on, come on, yes! - I live for blood! - Hey, Josh.
Hoo, how long have you been in here, buddy? It smells bad.
You know you're surrounded by cleaning supplies, right? Yeah, yeah, no, I know, I just I'm in the middle of something right now, man.
Look, buddy, I hate to tell you this, but you might have an unhealthy obsession with this video game.
It's not unhealthy.
So that's not a water bottle filled with your piss so you don't have to stop playing? No.
No, it's it's It's apple juice.
- Why don't you take a sip? - 'Cause I'm not thirsty.
You're so thirsty right now, - and you love apple juice.
- Not that much.
It's your third favorite juice.
- Not thirsty, dude.
- Then why you sweating right now? - You parched, you want a sip? - Nope.
'Cause it's piss.
Anyway, what level are you on? - Hoo, 83.
- 83? - Yep, yep.
- That's the one you always die on, right? It is, and every time I come back with more and more weapons, however I have never made it this far with this many weapons in my arsenal.
Get ready to witness history.
- Kill 'em all! - To the left, to the left! I'm dead.
That was fast! So brutal.
They took all your limbs.
Yeah, they always do.
Well, at least it helped me take my mind off all the shits I have to plunge for a while.
I am so glad you said that 'cause I did not have a graceful way to segue into this, um, but there's actually more shits for you to plunge, buddy.
I'm sorry.
It's okay, man, it's not your fault.
Well, actually, one of 'em was.
Got a good thing Got a good thing Got a good thing going, got a good thing going If you were as good at cleaning as you are at leering, you'd be a pretty good janitor.
But you aren't.
You are a shitty janitor.
Dr.
Camillo, please, just give me a break.
Oh, we gave Dr.
Yakamura a break to his collar bone when he slipped on your wet floor and broke all my samples.
I'm really sorry, Stu.
Sorry doesn't re-swab those urethras.
Do you think I like swabbing urethras? Guess it depends on the urethra.
Nope, they're all bad.
But I swab them all the same because it's my job, which is actually really, really important, unlike your job, which could be done by a Roomba.
That's enough, Dr.
Camillo.
I'm sorry, Dr.
Kronish.
The custodial staff doesn't work for you, they work for me, as do you.
And if you want to keep working for me, I suggest less tongue-lashing and more urethra-swabbing.
Now, off you go, swab, swab.
Right away, sir.
Whoa, thank you.
I'd fire that jackass, but goddamn he knows his way around a herpes culture.
Sorry.
Oh, no, no, no, go on.
Go on, get a good look.
It's what we're fighting here, the good fight.
Hey, you know what they say, keep your friends close, - but your enemies on your lip.
- Hmmm.
Nice one.
I was looking for a closer for my toast at the Christmas party.
You mind if I use that? - Oh, yeah, it's all you.
- What's your name again? - Uh, Futterman.
- Futterman.
Come take a walk with me.
Now, they call it herpes simplex, but there's nothing simple about it.
I have been studying this virus for over 40 years seeking a cure.
It's why I became a scientist.
Dr.
Benson.
When's the last time this possum ejaculated? - Three hours, sir.
- Perfect.
Now, what was I talking about? - Uh, herpes.
- Oh, yes, of course.
I'll never forget the night I contracted it.
It was the night of the moon landing.
There was a big party at the Pi Pi Gamma house at Caltech.
The night of the moon landing? - Hmm.
- That is an historic moment to contract herpes.
Oh, you should've been there.
Maybe you could've warned me that beneath that cherry red lipstick, Barbarella had an HSV-1 outbreak.
Couldn't see it.
- Look at this monstrosity.
- Oh, no, it's not that bad.
I mean, actually, it's like some people look good with a bald head, and you look good with a cold sore.
So actually the way the light's hitting it right now, it's kind of beautiful.
One day, I'm gonna find a cure for this hideous blemish.
Just have to keep trying new formulas.
Well, it's like Einstein said, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result.
" Thanks, Dr.
Kronish.
Oh, now, call me Elias.
(chuckles) Janitor Futterman to the executive restroom.
You are needed in the executive restroom.
There is a big problem.
Josh, what's wrong? You barely touched your salmon.
Can can I have it? Yeah.
Did you guys ever think that I'd be doing something more with my life? What are you talking about, Joshy? You work for one of the top sexual disease centers in the country! Every day you walk into work, you're curing disease.
I mean, I'm not curing disease.
But you're cleaning up after the people who are.
Yeah, and literally anybody could do that job.
Well, if you don't like it, you can always do something else, you can do anything you set your mind to.
We've always told you that.
Yeah, you have, but it's not true.
I mean, considering that I have a shitty job, and I still live at home with my parents, and I didn't set my mind to that.
Okay, I'm gonna be the bigger man here and not tell you how much that emotionally winded me.
I know, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that.
And I instantly forgive you, that's how family works.
And there's nothing weird about living in your childhood home.
This is my childhood home, and I live here.
This is a Futterman house.
I was conceived right upstairs in the same room where I sleep with your mother.
The same room you were conceived in.
Gross, Dad, come on.
And one day, God willing, you'll conceive your own little Futterman in that same room.
You should be encouraging me to get out of the house! But we don't want you to leave.
What about your video game? You're the best at it, right? Doesn't that make you feel special? It's a video game.
It's not real, it's just an escape.
I'm not helping anybody by playing video games.
All right, I'm gonna go play video games.
Break their bodies! That's a clean break, double points.
Make it rain blood! - Yes! - Level completed.
Yes, yes, okay.
Here we are, again.
Level 83.
Every time I go in there guns blazing, and every time I die.
I can't keep doing the same thing again and again expecting different results.
I gotta try something different.
Unequip all gear.
Go, go, go! Oh, shit.
Self-destruct sequence activated.
- Oh my God.
- Five.
- Go, go, go! - Four.
- Oh, my God, go! - Three.
- Go, go, go, go, go! - Two.
Run, you little fucker, run! One.
Congratulations.
You have defeated all of the Biotics and saved humanity.
You are the savior.
Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Hey, guys! Guess what I did? Hello? - Out to get snacks.
- And explore! (sighs) All right, Siegfried, you and me, pal.
Hey, Tiger.
What are you doing sniffing around these parts? Maybe it's because I'm in heat.
Heh, well then you're in the right place 'cause I'm in heat also.
Although, technically, male cats don't Fuck it, it doesn't matter.
Doesn't fucking matter.
Future Man.
The fuck? Oh, I'm hit! What the fuck?! (clatter) What are you doing here, who are you people? I'm Tiger, this is Wolf.
We've come back from the year 2162.
You're gonna help us save the world.
No, no, get out of here! What, do you expect me to believe you guys are characters from my video game? It's more than just a game! God dammit, it's all over me! Relax.
Wolf, it's just a little cum.
- It's a lot of cum! - Wolf! Listen carefully.
Everything that happens in the Biotic Wars is real.
The Biotics, the wars, everything.
The game is a recruitment and training tool sent back in time to find the one person with the skills to save us.
A savior.
It's you.
You're the first and only person to have beaten the game.
That's The Last Starfighter.
It's the exact same plot as the movie.
What's a movie? Okay, who put you up to this? The guys in the video game store? Such dicks.
Is this part of your arsenal of weaponry? No, no, please don't.
That's a signed authen Oh, my God! I paid my only bitcoin for that! Okay, listen, listen! I know this is a lot for you to digest, but the clock is ticking and we have to do this.
Do what? - We're going to '69.
- Beg your pardon? I said we're going to '69.
Uh, you and me are gonna 69 right now? - Yes, are you ready? - Okay.
Only, what's his deal in all this? Is he gonna watch or No, I'm going to '69 with you too, make sure you don't fuck it up.
No, he's right, we can't do this without him.
What the fuck are you talking about? Going back in time to 1969 to save the world.
Oh.
The year.
(whirring) What's that supposed to be? It's a TTD, time travel device.
That's a stupid name, it looks like a fucking iPad.
Don't fucking touch it! Do you know how many soldiers we lost stealing this? Good men! Better fucking men than you.
Wolf! - Stop it, we need him.
- Do we? Are we really gonna waste a leap on this fucking guy? We don't know how many we have.
Okay, so it's Last Starfighter meets Quantum Leap now? Look, I'll give it to you guys, all right? You're terrific actors, and your costumes are impeccable, but I'm not buying it, okay? You just obviously researched my love of video games and science fiction, and are using it against me to trick me in a really, really mean way.
You're breaking and entering right now.
You can't even be (whirring) What's happening? I have risked way too much to get here.
We are not leaving without you.
What's going on? (thunder and lightning) Oh, my God! Oh, oh shit.
Oh, shit! Where's all my shit? Your shit's not here.
We're not in your room anymore.
(muffled television noise) Altitude velocity lights.
Three and a half down, 220 feet.
Thirteen forward.
What the heck? Daddy? Who are you? Five and a half down.
Nine forward.
I'm your Do your goddamn drugs somewhere else, fucking hippie.
You know the day destroys the night - Mom! - Calm down! Mom! Here we go, time to see his moves.
(lamp crashes) Help! Get him, Dad! - Get out of my house! - It's my house too.
(glass breaks) Future Man.
Do a threat assessment and fight back.
No, no, no, no.
Grandma, Grandma, it's me, Joshy.
Get him, Mom! Uncle Barry? (cocks gun) (grunting) The plates! All right, we tried it your away, clearly it's not working.
We don't know that yet.
Ow, stop! You want me to jump in now? Or would you rather watch your savior get beaten to death by his own family? Ow, my ear! She gets high She gets high - Man, no, no, no! - She gets high She gets high (dog barking) I found an island in your arms Country in your eyes Arms that chained us, eyes that lied Break on through to the other side Break on through to the other side Oh, yeah Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! What the fuck are you doing, moron? Move it! Made the scene, week to week Day to day, hour to hour The gate is straight, deep and wide Break on through to the other side Break on through to the other side Break on through, break on through Break on through, break on through - Break, break - I traveled in time.
- (laughing) - (exclaiming) This is real.
This is real you're you're Tiger and you're Wolf, and you're time travelers.
Oh my God, oh my God, tell me everything.
Can I see a dinosaur? Can I please see a dinosaur? What the fuck happened in there? - Why can't you fight? - Why can't I fight? I've never been in one before.
- You're a warrior.
- No, I'm not.
- But you're Future Man.
- In the video game.
Aren't people who play video games supposed to embody the skills of their online personas? No, no, it's the complete opposite.
Why would anybody play video games if you could just do a bunch of really cool shit in real life? I don't I don't understand.
In our time, video games are training simulators that hone the skills of elite soldiers.
Oh, no, yeah, not in our time.
No, it's like purely escapism, recreation.
Do you have any useful skills? Uh, I'm good at word jumbles, um, Sudoku.
Cumming on my leg.
Okay, Wolf, I wasn't trying to cum on your leg, okay? If this is gonna become one of those things where like you can't forgive me and move on until we're even, then just go ahead, cum on my leg.
Hey, guys, check it out! Oh shit, we need to change our clothes.
Why? It's time travel 101, you need to blend in.
Don't look like you're from the future.
Look at this, look at this shit Don't touch my gobulator.
Hey, what the fuck are you guys wearing? See, what did I tell you? You, give me your clothes.
Oh no, don't, don't, don't.
Don't, they are bikers and bikers are assholes.
Well, how about instead of us taking off our clothes, you take off yours, and then maybe give us a little dance.
(screaming) Fuck this place up! Murder everyone! (exclaiming) Stepped in my dreams and broke my own heart Let's go.
Yeah, crush his nuts.
Break their skulls! Fuck.
(grunting) Shit.
(grunting) (screaming) Head shot.
Oh, shit, is he okay? - Head shot! - Head shot! Leg shot! And neutralized.
Time to grab a skull trophy.
No-no-no, no-no-no, stop.
What are you doing? Stopping you from killing him.
- Why? - Do I really have to say this? Killing is wrong.
Oh, I can't work with this guy.
Can we just take their clothes and leave, please? You never had a problem with killing in our simulator.
Oh, my God, that guy's bone is sticking out.
(motorcycle growls) I mean, I think it goes without saying, but I don't know how to ride one of these.
Just get on.
- On your - Mine.
Yeah, okay.
(chatter) Never seen so much food in my life.
It's literally hanging from the walls.
I take it you don't have delis in the future? No, we live in a sewer.
We eat garbage and rats.
- Ew.
- Yeah, no fucking shit.
Eat a rat asshole, then say fucking "ew.
" - Here you go.
- Thank you.
Okay.
(sniffs) Holy shit.
Holy shit.
Here's some water for you.
Oh, these little green logs are fucking amazing.
They're called pickles.
- Calm down.
- More logs! Okay, okay, look, I know you're from the sewers and everything, but you need to do a better job about acting normal here, okay? What the fuck does it matter? They're all fucking dead anyway.
You're all fucking dead, you're all dead! Just shoving food into your dead fucking mouths! - No, no, no.
- So hope you have a great last meal.
- No, no, no, she's - Grandma, you're dead.
- You little girl, dead! - No, no, no, you're not dead.
- You're fucking dead.
- You're okay, you're okay.
- Your kids are dead! - Your kids are fine, everybody's fine.
- Your babies are dead.
- She's having a bad trip.
It's the, you know, '60s, it's Okay, even if that is true, you can't yell it at people when they're eating their matzo ball soup.
I know that you're upset.
You don't know what I am or what I've been through or the people that sacrificed their lives to get me here because I thought you were the savior.
I lost everyone to get here.
And what? So you could fucking enlighten me about pickles? Hey! Come on, now, those are fucking good.
You've nothing to offer.
You are nothing like the man I thought I was coming back for.
Nothing.
Wolf, fire up the TTD, we're sending him back.
No, no, no, no, please, don't send me back! I just got here, I've wanted this my entire life.
Look, I can probably still help out with the mission.
No, you can't because we don't even know where the fuck to start.
But if you're from the future, shouldn't you just know everything? No.
The Biotics control everything.
All we know is that tonight, on July 20th, 1969, something happens that leads to the annihilation of the entire human race and we were hoping that you'd be the key to stopping Elias Kronish, but that is just that's not gonna happen.
Fuck, it's over.
Do you mean Dr.
Elias Kronish? How do you know that motherfucker's name? I work with him.
He's actually not a motherfucker.
He's like this really sweet old man, and we're kind of, like, becoming friends.
That sweet old man's research leads to a super cure for all diseases.
The people injected with the cure, those are the Biotics.
No, he's working on a cure for herpes.
You're telling me that a cure for herpes is what brings down all of mankind? I am moving around, getting familiar, getting familiar.
Holy shit.
The moon landing party at Caltech.
That's where Dr.
Kronish first gets herpes, that's the whole reason he became a scientist, and that happens tonight.
Go, go, go on.
Okay.
Okay, I got it, I got it.
If we can get to Caltech and stop Dr.
Kronish from ever getting herpes, he'll never become a scientist, and we can stop this whole cycle before it even begins.
Maybe you are the savior after all.
Oh, come on.
I call fucking bullshit on that.
No, how can it be a coincidence that the only person who beats Biotic Wars just happens to be friends with the man who destroys the human race? I don't think that's a coincidence.
You heard her, Wolf.
Can't be a coincidence.
It's destiny.
Just like Super Mario Bros.
All right, are you ready? Let's do this shit.
'Cause this isn't a game anymore.
- Nope.
- Things are about to get real.
- Yep.
- This is life or death.
It's either kill or be killed.
I'm gonna have to kill? Or be killed.
Oh, no.
Is that an X28 Psychoblaster? Holy shit.
(laser blast) - Oh, fuck! - What the fuck are you doing? We gotta get out of here.
- Okay, okay, okay.
- (laser blast) Everybody get down! Heads on tables.
We are from your time! Oh my God, shit got real in there.
Uh, guys, the cops.
Cops, cops, cops.
Our first call, we've wanted this since we were kids.
All right, Santiago, you ready for this? Let's do this, Skaarsgard.
They're gonna arrest us.
(siren blares) Wh what are you doing? What are you doing? Is that a subatomic sensor mine? (explosion) Oh, fuck! What the hell? (engine revs) Welcome to the Resistance.
While you keep on dreaming, you kids You must go on your way You get tired, but you get started every day Pick up and go Or you can fall on your face Go as long as to go you can Live as long as to live you can
Leave it.
Hey, just leave it! Behind the dumpster, quick! Get down, shh, shh.
(dumpster rumbling) (children scream) Please, don't hurt them.
(screaming) (gun charging) (laser blast) (flesh sizzling) Now that's what I call a hole in one.
(lasers whizzing) (popping and zapping) There's the shock.
(heavy breathing) And awe.
(explosion) Hey kid, I think you dropped this.
You're safe now.
Can't say the same for the rest of humanity.
Who are you? - I'm Future Man.
- Joshy.
- No, I'm Future Man.
- Joshy! - Future Man.
- Joshy? Joshy? Joshy! Joshy! Dad, you don't have to wake me up, okay? I have an alarm clock.
Yeah, but not one that makes you pancakes.
Come on, you little buddy boo.
I'm an adult, you don't have to make me pancakes! (joystick cracks) My joystick! (explosion) (door creaks) - Yo! - Hey, Futterman! - How you doing? - I'm doing good, uh, except I need another joystick.
Another one, what happened? You spazz out playing Biotic Wars? Smash your joystick again? Why you still playing that stupid game? I know why.
Because he spanks it to this one Tiger! That is not true, I do not spank it to Tiger.
Dude, you spank it to Tiger so much, your right hand should be called Siegfried, man.
Bam, you like that? I've been working on my slams.
Look, don't worry about it.
We all jerk it to video game people.
I mean, she's not my type.
I prefer Ms.
Pac-Man.
Ms.
Pac-Man is married to Mr.
Pac-Man.
No, because then she would be called Mrs.
Pac-Man, not Ms.
Pac-Man.
This is essentially Pac-Man's daughter.
I'm fucking Pac-Man's daughter under Pac-Man's roof and she's gobbling my dick like homp, homp, homp.
Me personally, I've always wanted to fuck Luigi.
I love Italian dick.
I bet Luigi's dick, the whole dick is hairy.
The whole dick.
He has a dragon that shits eggs like a chicken, that's fucking dope.
Look, Luigi wouldn't last one day in the Biotic Wars.
And, by the way, think about Super Mario Bros.
as a whole.
It's a ridiculous game, it makes no sense at all.
What do you mean, what do you mean? What do you mean, "What do you mean"? Bowser builds a castle, he knows there's little Italian plumbers that are trying to stop him, but yet he makes these giant green pipes that lead right inside.
- That makes no sense.
- No, 'cause it's destiny.
- Destiny?! - That's how you know it's meant to be, he had big pipes.
And the one thing he didn't see coming was two Italian plumbers that fit exactly in those pipes.
Those games suck, come on! Your games suck.
Yeah, your game is literally unbeatable.
That is why I play it, because it's unbeatable.
Think about it.
How many people have beaten Halo? How many people have beaten Call of Duty or BioShock? I play this game because no one has beaten it.
Why would I want to beat a game that everyone can beat? There's nothing special about that.
- That's a true truth.
- Okay, I don't have time for this, I have to get to the lab.
Yeah, have fun saving the world.
Earth 2162.
The human race is on the brink of extinction.
The Biotics, a super race immune to disease, have released a deadly virus killing nearly all of Earth's 40 billion inhabitants.
(clatter) - Hey Carl.
- Hey, Josh, how are you? Living the dream.
What's left of humanity hangs on by a thread, defended by a small army known as the Resistance.
I'm Tiger, this is Wolf.
You're our newest recruit.
Come fight.
Welcome to the Resistance.
Would you like to load previous game, Future Man? Yes, I would.
Let's fuck this place up.
Rip his fucking dick off! Weapon upgrade, X28 Psychoblaster.
Nice, X28 Psychoblaster.
Enemy vehicle approaching.
Use your subatomic sensor mine.
Thank you for that, Wolf.
- Blow 'em back to hell.
- Yeah, hoo! Come on, come on, come on, yes! - I live for blood! - Hey, Josh.
Hoo, how long have you been in here, buddy? It smells bad.
You know you're surrounded by cleaning supplies, right? Yeah, yeah, no, I know, I just I'm in the middle of something right now, man.
Look, buddy, I hate to tell you this, but you might have an unhealthy obsession with this video game.
It's not unhealthy.
So that's not a water bottle filled with your piss so you don't have to stop playing? No.
No, it's it's It's apple juice.
- Why don't you take a sip? - 'Cause I'm not thirsty.
You're so thirsty right now, - and you love apple juice.
- Not that much.
It's your third favorite juice.
- Not thirsty, dude.
- Then why you sweating right now? - You parched, you want a sip? - Nope.
'Cause it's piss.
Anyway, what level are you on? - Hoo, 83.
- 83? - Yep, yep.
- That's the one you always die on, right? It is, and every time I come back with more and more weapons, however I have never made it this far with this many weapons in my arsenal.
Get ready to witness history.
- Kill 'em all! - To the left, to the left! I'm dead.
That was fast! So brutal.
They took all your limbs.
Yeah, they always do.
Well, at least it helped me take my mind off all the shits I have to plunge for a while.
I am so glad you said that 'cause I did not have a graceful way to segue into this, um, but there's actually more shits for you to plunge, buddy.
I'm sorry.
It's okay, man, it's not your fault.
Well, actually, one of 'em was.
Got a good thing Got a good thing Got a good thing going, got a good thing going If you were as good at cleaning as you are at leering, you'd be a pretty good janitor.
But you aren't.
You are a shitty janitor.
Dr.
Camillo, please, just give me a break.
Oh, we gave Dr.
Yakamura a break to his collar bone when he slipped on your wet floor and broke all my samples.
I'm really sorry, Stu.
Sorry doesn't re-swab those urethras.
Do you think I like swabbing urethras? Guess it depends on the urethra.
Nope, they're all bad.
But I swab them all the same because it's my job, which is actually really, really important, unlike your job, which could be done by a Roomba.
That's enough, Dr.
Camillo.
I'm sorry, Dr.
Kronish.
The custodial staff doesn't work for you, they work for me, as do you.
And if you want to keep working for me, I suggest less tongue-lashing and more urethra-swabbing.
Now, off you go, swab, swab.
Right away, sir.
Whoa, thank you.
I'd fire that jackass, but goddamn he knows his way around a herpes culture.
Sorry.
Oh, no, no, no, go on.
Go on, get a good look.
It's what we're fighting here, the good fight.
Hey, you know what they say, keep your friends close, - but your enemies on your lip.
- Hmmm.
Nice one.
I was looking for a closer for my toast at the Christmas party.
You mind if I use that? - Oh, yeah, it's all you.
- What's your name again? - Uh, Futterman.
- Futterman.
Come take a walk with me.
Now, they call it herpes simplex, but there's nothing simple about it.
I have been studying this virus for over 40 years seeking a cure.
It's why I became a scientist.
Dr.
Benson.
When's the last time this possum ejaculated? - Three hours, sir.
- Perfect.
Now, what was I talking about? - Uh, herpes.
- Oh, yes, of course.
I'll never forget the night I contracted it.
It was the night of the moon landing.
There was a big party at the Pi Pi Gamma house at Caltech.
The night of the moon landing? - Hmm.
- That is an historic moment to contract herpes.
Oh, you should've been there.
Maybe you could've warned me that beneath that cherry red lipstick, Barbarella had an HSV-1 outbreak.
Couldn't see it.
- Look at this monstrosity.
- Oh, no, it's not that bad.
I mean, actually, it's like some people look good with a bald head, and you look good with a cold sore.
So actually the way the light's hitting it right now, it's kind of beautiful.
One day, I'm gonna find a cure for this hideous blemish.
Just have to keep trying new formulas.
Well, it's like Einstein said, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result.
" Thanks, Dr.
Kronish.
Oh, now, call me Elias.
(chuckles) Janitor Futterman to the executive restroom.
You are needed in the executive restroom.
There is a big problem.
Josh, what's wrong? You barely touched your salmon.
Can can I have it? Yeah.
Did you guys ever think that I'd be doing something more with my life? What are you talking about, Joshy? You work for one of the top sexual disease centers in the country! Every day you walk into work, you're curing disease.
I mean, I'm not curing disease.
But you're cleaning up after the people who are.
Yeah, and literally anybody could do that job.
Well, if you don't like it, you can always do something else, you can do anything you set your mind to.
We've always told you that.
Yeah, you have, but it's not true.
I mean, considering that I have a shitty job, and I still live at home with my parents, and I didn't set my mind to that.
Okay, I'm gonna be the bigger man here and not tell you how much that emotionally winded me.
I know, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that.
And I instantly forgive you, that's how family works.
And there's nothing weird about living in your childhood home.
This is my childhood home, and I live here.
This is a Futterman house.
I was conceived right upstairs in the same room where I sleep with your mother.
The same room you were conceived in.
Gross, Dad, come on.
And one day, God willing, you'll conceive your own little Futterman in that same room.
You should be encouraging me to get out of the house! But we don't want you to leave.
What about your video game? You're the best at it, right? Doesn't that make you feel special? It's a video game.
It's not real, it's just an escape.
I'm not helping anybody by playing video games.
All right, I'm gonna go play video games.
Break their bodies! That's a clean break, double points.
Make it rain blood! - Yes! - Level completed.
Yes, yes, okay.
Here we are, again.
Level 83.
Every time I go in there guns blazing, and every time I die.
I can't keep doing the same thing again and again expecting different results.
I gotta try something different.
Unequip all gear.
Go, go, go! Oh, shit.
Self-destruct sequence activated.
- Oh my God.
- Five.
- Go, go, go! - Four.
- Oh, my God, go! - Three.
- Go, go, go, go, go! - Two.
Run, you little fucker, run! One.
Congratulations.
You have defeated all of the Biotics and saved humanity.
You are the savior.
Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Hey, guys! Guess what I did? Hello? - Out to get snacks.
- And explore! (sighs) All right, Siegfried, you and me, pal.
Hey, Tiger.
What are you doing sniffing around these parts? Maybe it's because I'm in heat.
Heh, well then you're in the right place 'cause I'm in heat also.
Although, technically, male cats don't Fuck it, it doesn't matter.
Doesn't fucking matter.
Future Man.
The fuck? Oh, I'm hit! What the fuck?! (clatter) What are you doing here, who are you people? I'm Tiger, this is Wolf.
We've come back from the year 2162.
You're gonna help us save the world.
No, no, get out of here! What, do you expect me to believe you guys are characters from my video game? It's more than just a game! God dammit, it's all over me! Relax.
Wolf, it's just a little cum.
- It's a lot of cum! - Wolf! Listen carefully.
Everything that happens in the Biotic Wars is real.
The Biotics, the wars, everything.
The game is a recruitment and training tool sent back in time to find the one person with the skills to save us.
A savior.
It's you.
You're the first and only person to have beaten the game.
That's The Last Starfighter.
It's the exact same plot as the movie.
What's a movie? Okay, who put you up to this? The guys in the video game store? Such dicks.
Is this part of your arsenal of weaponry? No, no, please don't.
That's a signed authen Oh, my God! I paid my only bitcoin for that! Okay, listen, listen! I know this is a lot for you to digest, but the clock is ticking and we have to do this.
Do what? - We're going to '69.
- Beg your pardon? I said we're going to '69.
Uh, you and me are gonna 69 right now? - Yes, are you ready? - Okay.
Only, what's his deal in all this? Is he gonna watch or No, I'm going to '69 with you too, make sure you don't fuck it up.
No, he's right, we can't do this without him.
What the fuck are you talking about? Going back in time to 1969 to save the world.
Oh.
The year.
(whirring) What's that supposed to be? It's a TTD, time travel device.
That's a stupid name, it looks like a fucking iPad.
Don't fucking touch it! Do you know how many soldiers we lost stealing this? Good men! Better fucking men than you.
Wolf! - Stop it, we need him.
- Do we? Are we really gonna waste a leap on this fucking guy? We don't know how many we have.
Okay, so it's Last Starfighter meets Quantum Leap now? Look, I'll give it to you guys, all right? You're terrific actors, and your costumes are impeccable, but I'm not buying it, okay? You just obviously researched my love of video games and science fiction, and are using it against me to trick me in a really, really mean way.
You're breaking and entering right now.
You can't even be (whirring) What's happening? I have risked way too much to get here.
We are not leaving without you.
What's going on? (thunder and lightning) Oh, my God! Oh, oh shit.
Oh, shit! Where's all my shit? Your shit's not here.
We're not in your room anymore.
(muffled television noise) Altitude velocity lights.
Three and a half down, 220 feet.
Thirteen forward.
What the heck? Daddy? Who are you? Five and a half down.
Nine forward.
I'm your Do your goddamn drugs somewhere else, fucking hippie.
You know the day destroys the night - Mom! - Calm down! Mom! Here we go, time to see his moves.
(lamp crashes) Help! Get him, Dad! - Get out of my house! - It's my house too.
(glass breaks) Future Man.
Do a threat assessment and fight back.
No, no, no, no.
Grandma, Grandma, it's me, Joshy.
Get him, Mom! Uncle Barry? (cocks gun) (grunting) The plates! All right, we tried it your away, clearly it's not working.
We don't know that yet.
Ow, stop! You want me to jump in now? Or would you rather watch your savior get beaten to death by his own family? Ow, my ear! She gets high She gets high - Man, no, no, no! - She gets high She gets high (dog barking) I found an island in your arms Country in your eyes Arms that chained us, eyes that lied Break on through to the other side Break on through to the other side Oh, yeah Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! What the fuck are you doing, moron? Move it! Made the scene, week to week Day to day, hour to hour The gate is straight, deep and wide Break on through to the other side Break on through to the other side Break on through, break on through Break on through, break on through - Break, break - I traveled in time.
- (laughing) - (exclaiming) This is real.
This is real you're you're Tiger and you're Wolf, and you're time travelers.
Oh my God, oh my God, tell me everything.
Can I see a dinosaur? Can I please see a dinosaur? What the fuck happened in there? - Why can't you fight? - Why can't I fight? I've never been in one before.
- You're a warrior.
- No, I'm not.
- But you're Future Man.
- In the video game.
Aren't people who play video games supposed to embody the skills of their online personas? No, no, it's the complete opposite.
Why would anybody play video games if you could just do a bunch of really cool shit in real life? I don't I don't understand.
In our time, video games are training simulators that hone the skills of elite soldiers.
Oh, no, yeah, not in our time.
No, it's like purely escapism, recreation.
Do you have any useful skills? Uh, I'm good at word jumbles, um, Sudoku.
Cumming on my leg.
Okay, Wolf, I wasn't trying to cum on your leg, okay? If this is gonna become one of those things where like you can't forgive me and move on until we're even, then just go ahead, cum on my leg.
Hey, guys, check it out! Oh shit, we need to change our clothes.
Why? It's time travel 101, you need to blend in.
Don't look like you're from the future.
Look at this, look at this shit Don't touch my gobulator.
Hey, what the fuck are you guys wearing? See, what did I tell you? You, give me your clothes.
Oh no, don't, don't, don't.
Don't, they are bikers and bikers are assholes.
Well, how about instead of us taking off our clothes, you take off yours, and then maybe give us a little dance.
(screaming) Fuck this place up! Murder everyone! (exclaiming) Stepped in my dreams and broke my own heart Let's go.
Yeah, crush his nuts.
Break their skulls! Fuck.
(grunting) Shit.
(grunting) (screaming) Head shot.
Oh, shit, is he okay? - Head shot! - Head shot! Leg shot! And neutralized.
Time to grab a skull trophy.
No-no-no, no-no-no, stop.
What are you doing? Stopping you from killing him.
- Why? - Do I really have to say this? Killing is wrong.
Oh, I can't work with this guy.
Can we just take their clothes and leave, please? You never had a problem with killing in our simulator.
Oh, my God, that guy's bone is sticking out.
(motorcycle growls) I mean, I think it goes without saying, but I don't know how to ride one of these.
Just get on.
- On your - Mine.
Yeah, okay.
(chatter) Never seen so much food in my life.
It's literally hanging from the walls.
I take it you don't have delis in the future? No, we live in a sewer.
We eat garbage and rats.
- Ew.
- Yeah, no fucking shit.
Eat a rat asshole, then say fucking "ew.
" - Here you go.
- Thank you.
Okay.
(sniffs) Holy shit.
Holy shit.
Here's some water for you.
Oh, these little green logs are fucking amazing.
They're called pickles.
- Calm down.
- More logs! Okay, okay, look, I know you're from the sewers and everything, but you need to do a better job about acting normal here, okay? What the fuck does it matter? They're all fucking dead anyway.
You're all fucking dead, you're all dead! Just shoving food into your dead fucking mouths! - No, no, no.
- So hope you have a great last meal.
- No, no, no, she's - Grandma, you're dead.
- You little girl, dead! - No, no, no, you're not dead.
- You're fucking dead.
- You're okay, you're okay.
- Your kids are dead! - Your kids are fine, everybody's fine.
- Your babies are dead.
- She's having a bad trip.
It's the, you know, '60s, it's Okay, even if that is true, you can't yell it at people when they're eating their matzo ball soup.
I know that you're upset.
You don't know what I am or what I've been through or the people that sacrificed their lives to get me here because I thought you were the savior.
I lost everyone to get here.
And what? So you could fucking enlighten me about pickles? Hey! Come on, now, those are fucking good.
You've nothing to offer.
You are nothing like the man I thought I was coming back for.
Nothing.
Wolf, fire up the TTD, we're sending him back.
No, no, no, no, please, don't send me back! I just got here, I've wanted this my entire life.
Look, I can probably still help out with the mission.
No, you can't because we don't even know where the fuck to start.
But if you're from the future, shouldn't you just know everything? No.
The Biotics control everything.
All we know is that tonight, on July 20th, 1969, something happens that leads to the annihilation of the entire human race and we were hoping that you'd be the key to stopping Elias Kronish, but that is just that's not gonna happen.
Fuck, it's over.
Do you mean Dr.
Elias Kronish? How do you know that motherfucker's name? I work with him.
He's actually not a motherfucker.
He's like this really sweet old man, and we're kind of, like, becoming friends.
That sweet old man's research leads to a super cure for all diseases.
The people injected with the cure, those are the Biotics.
No, he's working on a cure for herpes.
You're telling me that a cure for herpes is what brings down all of mankind? I am moving around, getting familiar, getting familiar.
Holy shit.
The moon landing party at Caltech.
That's where Dr.
Kronish first gets herpes, that's the whole reason he became a scientist, and that happens tonight.
Go, go, go on.
Okay.
Okay, I got it, I got it.
If we can get to Caltech and stop Dr.
Kronish from ever getting herpes, he'll never become a scientist, and we can stop this whole cycle before it even begins.
Maybe you are the savior after all.
Oh, come on.
I call fucking bullshit on that.
No, how can it be a coincidence that the only person who beats Biotic Wars just happens to be friends with the man who destroys the human race? I don't think that's a coincidence.
You heard her, Wolf.
Can't be a coincidence.
It's destiny.
Just like Super Mario Bros.
All right, are you ready? Let's do this shit.
'Cause this isn't a game anymore.
- Nope.
- Things are about to get real.
- Yep.
- This is life or death.
It's either kill or be killed.
I'm gonna have to kill? Or be killed.
Oh, no.
Is that an X28 Psychoblaster? Holy shit.
(laser blast) - Oh, fuck! - What the fuck are you doing? We gotta get out of here.
- Okay, okay, okay.
- (laser blast) Everybody get down! Heads on tables.
We are from your time! Oh my God, shit got real in there.
Uh, guys, the cops.
Cops, cops, cops.
Our first call, we've wanted this since we were kids.
All right, Santiago, you ready for this? Let's do this, Skaarsgard.
They're gonna arrest us.
(siren blares) Wh what are you doing? What are you doing? Is that a subatomic sensor mine? (explosion) Oh, fuck! What the hell? (engine revs) Welcome to the Resistance.
While you keep on dreaming, you kids You must go on your way You get tired, but you get started every day Pick up and go Or you can fall on your face Go as long as to go you can Live as long as to live you can