Future Man (2017) s01e02 Episode Script

Herpe: Fully Loaded

1 Previously, on Future Man Did you guys ever think that I'd be doing something more with my life? What about your video game? It's not real.
Congratulations, you have defeated all of the Biotics.
Wooo! The fuck who are you people? Everything that happens in the Biotic Wars is real.
The game is a recruitment and training tool sent back in time.
You're going to help us save the world.
Time travel 101, you need to blend in.
You're telling me that a cure for herpes is what brings down all of mankind? The night of the moon landing, there was a big party at Pi Pi Gamma House.
Holy shit.
If we can stop Dr.
Kronish from ever getting herpes, he'll never become a scientist, and we can stop this whole cycle before it even begins! All right, Santiago, you ready for this? Let's do this, Skarsgaard.
Is that a subatomic sensor mine? (explosion) Welcome to the Resistance.
(motors buzzing) I'm here at the corner of Fairfax and Rosewood where the smell of brisket usually fills the night air, but tonight, it's the smell of tragedy as one of L.
A.
's finest lies dead in the street.
(doorbell ringing) Vincent, I didn't know you were coming! I'll set an extra place.
Is Jorge running late? Yeah, uh Maria, maybe you should sit down.
Gladly, I've been on my feet all day.
(sighing) Jorgito kicked.
Do you want to feel? He's strong like his Papa.
Hello, Mr.
and Mrs.
Santiago.
I didn't know you were here.
They came from Mexico for the baby shower! Of course they did.
They should hear this, too.
- I have some news.
- You have news? Is it the promotion Jorge was trying to get? His sisters y la familia will want to hear about this.
Esmeralda, Gloria, Lupe! (speaking Spanish) ¡Mucho gusto, Señor Skarsgaard! What is the exciting news? Well, I never said "exciting.
" Did somebody say "exciting"? This is Jorge's brother, Miguel! You really look just like him.
Yeah, well, last I checked, we are currently twins! (laughing) So what's the good news? Say it loud so the baby can hear.
Right, um (explosion) All right, time out! Stop the bike.
Okay, what happened back there was not okay! For all we know, you just killed - a fucking cop! - Hey! We killed that cop.
Yeah, we're a team now.
No, I didn't kill a cop, you killed a fucking cop, and we're not doing it again! You just said "we.
" Look, it doesn't matter, okay? Just no more killing! Well, we're killing Kronish.
No, we're not killing Kronish! That's not the mission! The mission is to stop him from getting herpes, prevent him from becoming a scientist, and then he never creates the cure! Dead men don't get herpes.
Okay, so then what's your plan? We cockblock him.
Okay, rip his cock off, he bleeds out slow, I like that.
No, his cock remains fully intact.
We stop him from ever getting with the girl that gave him herpes.
Have you ever executed this mission objective before? This this cockblock? Oh, yes, many times.
Mostly at middle school dances and at the time I was doing it, I didn't know it exactly, but yeah.
It's my specialty.
That's fucking stupid! If we're actually ripping his cock off, that's one thing, but otherwise, this just feels like a big fucking tease! Wolf, he's the Savior.
We need to trust him.
Oh, fuck! Savior my ass! God damn it! Try to save this! (grunting) (growling) Hey! What the fuck you doing, man? Tiger, thanks thanks for having my back.
I don't know why he hates me so much.
You're physically weak and nothing like we expected, but you do have the knowledge we're lacking, and you've gotten us this far.
You're not the Future Man I thought you'd be, but you are Future Man.
(baby crying) What the fuck is that? Why is that woman holding that tiny shrunken man? You mean, "Why is that mother carrying her adorable baby"? That's a baby? You've never seen a baby before? Wolf and I are the youngest members of the Resistance.
We were sterilized with a nano mist to ensure that we were the last generation of humanity.
Whoa, so it's a full on Children of Men situation.
Why does it look like that? How does it defend itself? It can't, it's completely helpless.
I want to touch it.
You, woman, give me that baby! Tiger, no, no, no, no, Tiger, Tiger.
Give me the chubby man! Wait, those your bikes? Yes.
Sorry, brother, I didn't realize you were Double Ds! Double Damned! Jesus, man, what's got you so steamed? My commander just belittled me in front of an inferior.
Been there.
My old lady's a real cunt, too.
Where you headed? California Technical Institute to cockblock the destroyer of worlds.
Sounds pretty heavy.
Eh, don't worry about this shit, I'll clean it up.
Ride on, ride strong, brother.
I said, ride on, ride strong.
Give me that thing! - I want to touch it! - Tiger, you can't you can't just touch her baby! Why I'm stronger than her.
I'm sorry, she's completely harmless.
It's fine.
No, I'm not, I'm not! I've killed hundreds! Give me that thing.
(screaming) There's your secret fucking handshake! (crying) Wolf.
What? I didn't kill him.
Yes.
Get me the police.
(crying) Yeah, what? It's Rick.
Some motherfucker just rolled in here on stolen Double D bikes.
Yeah, that's the guys who jumped us.
Where did they go? Caltech.
Kill them all, man.
Avenge my fingers! All right, I'm going to assume that you guys have never been to a frat party before.
I haven't either, so that's okay.
However, I have seen Animal House, which basically makes me an expert.
The most important thing is once you're inside, you blend in.
Just follow my lead, okay? All right, we got this.
Light the candles on the cake We're going to celebrate Okay, maybe we don't got this.
You guys must be looking for Delta Phi Tau.
- That's across the street.
- Um Actually, we were kind of hoping that maybe tonight, we could celebrate this great achievement of mankind here with you guys at Phi Phi Gamma! You know, it must be nice to have the freedom to just walk into whatever house you want, to call the cops and actually have them show up after you've been repeatedly harassed and threatened by your fellow students.
Even at Caltech? Just because these people are nerds doesn't mean they're not racist! We know things will get better, but until that day comes, we're just going to have to serve and protect ourselves.
Understand, Colonel Sanders? I guess I am kind of dressed like him.
Are you blocking his cock right now? Because it seems like he's blocking yours.
Brother Tyler, everything okay? That's what I'm trying to figure out, Brother Kronish.
Kronish.
- Take it easy, soldier.
- I can't.
He's the father of the mutant race that destroys mankind.
He's right in front of me.
You guys look like nice folks, but this is an invite-only party.
If you want to stay for a beer, stay for a beer, but then You and your mutant race deserves to die! Oh, my God! Great job, Wolf, you just blew our cover.
You know, it's going to be really hard to blend in now that they think we're all white supremacists.
Why would skin color matter? That's nice, there's no racism in the future? I've got it, let's just camouflage our faces to look like them.
Nice, Operation Black Face.
This mud will work on our faces.
No, no, no, no, no Operation Black Face.
- Says who? - Says literally all of society.
Look, I don't have time to explain to you two centuries of race relations.
Clearly you guys don't understand the complexity and sensitivity of this time.
I do, all right? You can't go around breaking people's fingers, you can't go around trying to steal people's babies, and you can't tell people they're from a mutant race! Not only is it morally reprehensible, it's also jeopardizing this whole mission! We need another plan.
Houston, we have a solution.
Right.
Of course, you don't get that.
Okay, this is now a solo mission to the moon landing party.
I'm gonna go inside, infiltrate, and assume Lamar's identity.
Okay, what do we do? Cockblocking, as you may or may not know, is a very delicate and intricate maneuver.
It requires absolute concentration at all times.
Once inside, I can have zero interference, okay? You guys just stay out here.
So you're saying we should secure the perimeter.
Yes, yes, secure the perimeter.
And whatever you do, just don't come inside.
Okay, we'll build a barricade and secure the perimeter.
We won't fail you, Future Man.
All right, Dr.
Kronish, where are you? Where is he? I'm at a party.
This is normal.
Barbarella, herpes girl! Pledge Lamar, where have you been? The fuck, man, you forget how to talk? What you talking about, man? I was outside! What's wrong with your voice? It's the helmet.
What do I normally sound like? Like the square from Connecticut! - Oh, thank God.
- Man, you're fucked up.
- Lamar! - No! - Yeah? - I was just telling Malcolm about that hilarious Bill Cosby routine you do! The one where he jokes about putting Spanish fly in the girls' drinks.
He joked about that? Yeah, Lamar, do the bit, man! - It's my birthday! - Uhh.
It's his birthday wish, man, do it! Fire.
139 missions, 217 confirmed kills and we're holding the goddamn perimeter.
It's fucking pointless.
Do you have a problem, soldier? Yeah, yeah, I've got a problem.
The Tiger I know doesn't stand down.
She fights, she leads.
She kills without mercy.
She doesn't take orders from little fucking boys.
Well, that was before a whole unit died because of me.
Wait, because of you? Are you the one that shot them? Stabbed them? Raised their lifeless bodies on flagpoles for all the world to see? Fed their innards to dogs, made ceremonial mugs out of their skulls? No, hey, that wasn't you.
That was the fucking Biotics.
God, you don't get it, do you? When you plan a mission for years, and then 43 of your 44 commandos die on that mission, you feel a little responsible, Wolf.
But if he succeeds in there, then our team wouldn't have died in vain.
Like it or not, he got us here.
He knows this time.
All we've been doing is just fucking shit up.
Have we been fucking shit up? Still think the perimeter's pointless? Okay.
Okay, maybe there is something to this guy.
We got a I'm not really sure what this is.
I think I've got a match on the canner suspects.
Yeah, we've got a guy in a cowboy hat and a girl with purple hair.
I think it's the guys who killed Santiago.
First you take the Jell-O and you shake it up and it gets more gelatinous, and then you take the Spanish fly and you put it in the Jell-O, and you give it to the unsuspecting lady, and the lady goes "Wooo!" Okay, I mean, it's a pretty good impression, but what do Bill Cosby and Jell-O have to do with each other? You told that joke so bad, it made me not like Bill Cosby.
All right, well, get used to that.
Uh, can I go now? Uh Yeah, man.
Happy birthday! Fuck! No! Move, motherfuckers! Oh, I I am I am so sorry! Let me Let me get that for you.
Oh, my God, I just I made it worse.
- I'm sorry.
- Mistakes happen, Pledge.
- Yeah.
- Just, uh Right.
Sorry about that.
That reefer made me thirsty! Oh, well let me wet your beautiful beak.
Jesus, it's like this motherfucker wants herpes.
(grunting) I can explain.
Please do.
There was a bee that just flew right in the cup.
- A bee.
- Yeah.
Well, where the fuck is it? It muh must've flown away.
I need you to fly away.
I am trying to fuck Barbarella here.
Are you sure you want to do that? 'Cause I heard a rumor that she's got Oh, no, no, stop, stop, stop.
Stop it right there.
Whatever she's got, oh, I want.
Now I didn't want to have to do this on the night of the moon landing, but you just earned yourself bathroom duty, Pledge! You dig? I dig.
There's Skarsgaard.
Where are they? Let's get them! Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down, rook.
They're down behind that weird barricade right in front of the negro fraternity house.
Shit.
Those guys called us about 20 times about being harassed, and we just ignored it.
Can't ignore this.
I'm Lieutenant Miller, Pasadena Police Department! Draw down your weapons and put your hands above your head! No! This house is under our control.
None shall pass.
We've got a hostage situation.
Probably racially motivated.
Yeah, well Last thing we need is another Watts on our hands.
What is it you want? Money? - What's money? - Oh, fuck.
They're commies! We have no leverage.
I've got your leverage right here.
These bastards killed my partner.
Why are we even negotiating with them? Get a hold of yourself, rook.
I'm trying to prevent a race riot over here.
I'm still the janitor? God! Ah, shit, dirty dancing.
Do you mind if I dance with your date? Of course I mind.
Why wouldn't I mind? Damn, Kronish, you've got moves! Here's a little something I brought with me from the future.
This is called the Running Man! I just invented it! I don't know what you're talking about, but I like your moves! You know I'm the best dancer in this fraternity, right? Oh, no, they're totally in sync! Uh here! Check this move out! Woo! Hey, ho! Why are you doing this? Just stop while you're ahead! What the fuck? Oh, shit, Jesus Christ! All right, we don't know what a phaso shaft scraper is, but we are working on getting you your jug of clean water, one plump cat, 100 yards of netting, and various historical textbooks of the era.
Don't forget the pickles! The green kind! Look, this is gonna take a little while! Good! It's working.
(motors buzzing) ("Whipping Post," Allman Brothers Band) Everybody just sit tight.
Don't move.
Hey, pigs.
We pay you for a reason, now back off.
We want the people behind that weird garbage wall.
We've gonna have words with them.
We know you pay us very well, but we've got a sensitive hostage situation here.
They stole our bikes.
They fucked up Rick's fingers.
Vacate the premises.
Hand them over and we will.
No.
Go away.
(yelling) (grunting) Hey, come here, follow me! Now is our chance for payback, all right? This one is for Santiago.
Let's go! They're trying to breach.
Nice.
- Remember.
- I know.
Everything but killing.
(gunshot) (grunting) Hey! Santiago! Superman that hoe! Woo, Superman that hoe! Superman that hoe! What about the crowd, Lamar? I'm taking the whole crowd with me! Oh, God, he's got the crowd! It's one small step for man Oh, my God, of course.
Thank you, Michael.
Hee-hee! Hoo-hoo! Hoo-hoo! Ha! Toe, slide, heel.
Heel, slide.
Heel, slide.
Hoo-hoo! Ha! (cheering) I won, it worked! I won a dance-off.
Yo, Tito! You know that new dance move your little brother Michael was looking for? Well, wait till you see this! I'll describe it to you! If you fuck half as good as you dance, I'm gonna be one happy girl.
(chanting "Lamar!") I did it! I cockblocked him! (chanting continues) What's going on? Why is everyone chanting my name? - Oh, no.
- If that's Lamar, then who the fuck is that? Oh, shit.
No, no! Colonel Sanders? (grunting) Oh, shit, it's the cops! (gasping) But they're attacking white people! (cheering) Wooo! Huh.
A black apple.
Oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit! Jesus! Tiger, Wolf! It's time to go! Future Man.
Let's go! Hey, I gotta piss! Future Man, did the cockblock maneuver work? Yes, it worked, but we've gotta we gotta go! Wolf, fire up the TTV.
Shit, we've gotta we gotta go! What's the plan? - Jump! - I can't jump! - We need a better plan.
- You can do it, Future Man! Okay.
(grunting) Wish I still had the helmet.
Jump, we'll catch you! Catch me! (groaning) Right on my balls.
Future Man, are you okay? Yeah.
Yeah, I'm I'm more than okay.
I'm great! We did it! I cockblocked Kronish! I was wrong about you.
You are the Savior.
You did it.
You saved the world.
Ew! What the fuck is that? Did you just really try to go rathole to rathole with me? I thought this whole thing was You sick fuck.
It's called a kiss! You you call your mouths "ratholes"? What else would you call the hole you shove rats into? It's does doesn't matter, okay, look, I I stopped Kronish from getting herpes.
I'm the Savior.
Fuck me.