Future Man (2017) s01e06 Episode Script

A Blowjob Before Dying

1 Previously on Future Man That's not a lot of Cameronium.
- What the fuck is Cameronium? - It's the fuel the TTD runs off of.
- Biotics are immune to poison.
- So we flush 'em out.
If I can get the recipe for the Kronish balls, do you think that we can make a poison version - and then just swap it in? - You have speed, skills, but more than that, it's like you have something to say.
- I've always been a soldier.
- Life made you a soldier.
You were born to be a chef.
If something is important to Joshie, it's important to me, he is family.
"Jeri Elizabeth Lange.
Medical conditions: none.
" Couple seconds after eating a sewer mushroom, you puke, shit yourself, and pass out with no memory of what happened.
She's going to detonate! I really thought she liked me.
How long until her head blows? 28 minutes.
Hold on to your dicks back there! We are two minutes from base, repeat, two minutes from base.
- Fuck yeah! - Oh, this is just like our escape from the slave mines of Ganderloo.
Minus all the hollandaise.
(horns honking, tires squealing) Check that; garlic aioli.
Why are you guys having so much fun? That was insane.
There was so much puke and poo and Buck up, soldier.
We got three Bio slags and an Aztec to interrogate.
This is a rush job, Gamma Protocol.
Oh, you better believe it's Gamma.
Her little head's going to blow in 26 minutes.
26 minutes? That was not the plan.
Well, this is basically the plan with a little urgency thrown in.
Guys, are we even 100 percent sure - she's a Biotic? - Fuck you, Resistance scum! Jesus! Easy, macho man.
She's my - co-worker.
- Not anymore.
We need to find out where RoboSnatch is keeping her time machine, and getting it out of her is not going to be pretty.
I got so many torture devices set up in the sewer.
There is literally no scenario which I can't torture for.
I really prepped the fuck out of this one.
Although Cunto there, she's going to need to be alert in order for this to work.
Waking her up's going to be part of the fun! (maniacal laughter) (ripping, grunting) (maniacal scream, laughter) (traffic noises) (explosion) (brakes squeal) Okay, come on.
Easy, easy, easy.
Okay, okay, okay.
You kids home already? (Josh gasps) - The shoe, the shoe! - I want to hear all about your night.
(Gabe chortles) You brought a friend too? Uh, yeah, it's just a co-worker who had a little too much to drink tonight, so.
Hey, nobody ever died from having a good time, right? Uh, people die all the time from that, but that's fine.
Well, would you look at that? One taste of your balls and they give you a job and the company car.
You're going to be running that place in a week.
Come on in.
Okay.
All right, guys, my dad's cool and everything, but if he sees us taking an unconscious woman into a subterranean torture chamber, he will call the cops.
What are you waiting for? Cupcake, look who I got.
What a nice surprise! And who's this lovely passed out, is she passed out? Yeah, she's a friend, Jeri, from work.
Not the Jeri from work - who you used to - No, oh no, not that.
So we're going to go ahead and take her on up Wait, wait, wait, introductions.
- Don't have time for that! - Uh, Corey and Tiger, this is Josh's Uncle Barry.
- There he is.
- Here I am.
And this is my dear friend Wanda, who we invited to meet Barry.
Oh, this is the famous Corey Wolf Hart in the flesh.
These are our neighbors, Melinda and Julius Seneca.
- Hi.
- Hey, how are you? - How you doing, boss? - Good, great.
- Nice baby.
- Oh, thank you! Thank you, this is Wallace.
Look at those legs.
Lot of meat on those haunches.
You ever eat those? (nervous laughter) Okay.
Let's get her out this window down to the sewer.
Wait, what? No, no, we don't have time for that.
What do we have, like, 20 minutes? More like 24 minutes.
Right.
New plan: torture her here.
Oh, what a waste! I had electric current, scalpels, - this awesome scorpion I found.
- Hey.
(Wolf grunts) Torture comes from here.
If she knows she's going to die, maybe pain isn't the way to go.
- Pain is always the way to go.
- Yeah, on someone who wants to live.
I'm just saying, maybe we should try talking to her.
Plus, we got a house full of people, I don't know how you're going to muffle her screams.
Well, yeah.
When fingernails start to come off, I don't know how you keep that quiet.
Joshie? - (Diane knocking) - Jesus Christ.
I just want to see her.
I don't even have to talk to her.
You brought the Jeri home! You've been talking about her for years! Mom! Okay, just now now, please.
I'm so glad that your social life is expanding, honey.
I know.
She's very pretty, Josh.
I know.
Can you just please Oh.
- Come on.
- Okay.
I'll be back! Guys! Okay, listen.
My parents are not going to leave us alone tonight.
Ooh, is that sencha? Okay, yeah, we need personnel downstairs.
Cockblocking.
Oh, that's like nowhere near remotely correct.
Hm.
Got to do this nice thing, Wolf, you're useless.
I want you to go downstairs, I want you to post up at this feast honoring the Santa Claus, okay? Run a civilian blockade.
Social duty? What am I, Butterfly now? Hey.
Butterfly could talk to anyone about anything.
Lit up the goddamned world with that smile.
Fine, fine, I'll do it, I'll join the party with the drinking and the merrymaking, and I'll pretend to have fun.
But I'm not happy about it! Hey, Wolf.
Time.
Gamma Protocol, 21 minutes.
(beeping) Lamar, set timer for 21 minutes.
Done stay cool, man.
- Okay.
- So so what's the plan? I mean, I'm no expert, but I watched Badger interrogate a million times.
God dammit, he could get under people's skin.
Just relentless.
How did he die? AIDS.
Follow my lead.
So it turns out the testing tells you so much more - than just DNA.
- Mm-hm, that's right.
You have to do it.
The kits we brought you take, like, five minutes.
It's like, spit in a bottle, mail it away, and boom.
Bob's your uncle.
You find out Bob's your uncle.
(laughter) (conspicuously loud laughter) - Humor.
- We have an Uncle Bob.
He's, uh he's sick.
Corey, would you like some port? It's terminal.
Looks like blood.
(jazzy party music plays) Ah.
Tastes like honey.
(laughter) I like bourbon.
- We know, Barry.
- We know.
Cor! Could use you here for a sec.
Uh Boy howdy.
You guys suck at interrogating.
Tell us where your TTD is, bitchface.
- No.
- Is it in one of your habitation units? You mean, one of our apartments where we live like normal people and not sewer-dwelling animals? Hey! I'll do the insulting here.
Well, you suck at that too.
Would you stop doing that? Really distracting! Got a lot of valuables in here I'm trying to protect.
Well, you're going to need a lot more sheets.
She's right.
My head is going to explode.
And then a kill team is going to descend upon this house and take you out once and for all.
Well, I've got 68 deactivated brain bombs and a gobulator that say otherwise.
And that's just my travel-size gobulator.
Sooner or later, everyone's luck runs out, Tiger.
It sure did in the tunnel.
Your team put their lives in your hands.
What was it, 43 of them? (sharp crack) Hey! Come on, we said no rough stuff.
It's all she knows, she's a savage.
I don't know how she recruited someone as decent as you, but it's all a lie.
You're the lie, you're a fucking Biotic.
There are no Biotics.
That's just a stupid name her fanatic overlords came up with to make us seem like the bad guys.
You are the bad guys! You gassed my fucking cave.
The Resistance is a terrorist organization that uses any means necessary to kill us.
- They're fucking ISIS.
- Okay.
- That's bullshit.
- Is it? - I blew the popovers.
- Cat fucker! - You can't serve those, man.
- I know.
Got cocky, didn't watch time and temp.
Rookie mistake.
You brought shame to the Futterman kitchen.
Can you help me? I can, and I will, friend.
You're a lifesaver, pal.
What do you really know about Tiger? About the so-called Resistance? The game had a very detailed back story.
Yeah, story.
Now let me lay some truth on you.
I was born and raised in Montclair, New Jersey.
Oh, here we go.
My parents are kind of lax Christians, my brother is an out and proud gay man and professional robosurfer.
It's a thing, it's cool.
There's no crime! Pollution and population are under control.
Humanity has been perfected.
I mean, I'm like a four.
It's utopia, save for these nut jobs trying to tear it all down.
Utopia, really? Forcing humanity to get a cure? Shoving needles up our butts? Arm! The shot just the shot goes in your arm.
Turning people into monsters? Hunting down and killing anyone who doesn't comply? We only started hunting you down after you started blowing up our hospitals.
- Hospitals? - She means supercure injection sites.
No, I mean hospitals.
Doctors, patients, people get their tonsils out.
Look at me.
Do I look like a monster? I I don't know, I'm getting very confused right now.
Don't listen to her, okay? She is programmed to deceive.
She'll say anything.
We don't have time for this bullshit.
Hey, it's not her fault.
She's been brainwashed her whole life.
I mean, the gaps in their knowledge - is pretty astonishing.
- Yeah.
It's 'cause they live in sewers and they call books burnbricks.
Can't you see she's pulling a Badger? Turning tables, creating doubt, being very annoying? Classic Badger.
An hour ago, he wasn't saying very nice things about you.
"She's used me.
She's endangered my life.
I don't even think she likes me.
With any luck, she'll be gone soon, like, really far away forever.
" Really? Yeah, we have perfect memories.
What are you talking about? You guys don't even know each other.
Is that what he told you? I mean, I really don't know you.
Really? Like, when we kissed? Didn't it feel like we knew each other just a little bit? In all fairness, I didn't know she was a Biotic when I was kissing her.
Uh you rat-hole-to-rat-holed her? She showed interest in me! Okay, well, I'm gonna puke.
I'm done doing this the nice way.
You're getting a scorpion up your snatch.
Isn't there, like, a middle step there? No.
Scorp in the snatch.
(beeping, buzz) ("Deck the Halls" plays) (party chatter) Lingonberry croque-en-bouche.
Brown butter and lemon sucre en poudre.
- Wow! - Taught him everything he knows.
- Yeah? - Oh, gosh! You come sit by me.
(tittering) Gosh, that's pretty.
How about some more port? Sure, sure.
Unless you have meth.
That stuff is incredible.
(laughter) He's a pistol, this one.
You're just kind of perfect, aren't you? (laughter) I have diabetes, so I can't eat sugar.
(straining) Doesn't make any sense.
I know, it's a lot to process.
I really thought that you liked me.
Oh that? Sorry.
So none of it was real? Josh, I was sent from the future to protect the man who saves humanity from itself.
- I'm a soldier.
- Okay, but when we kissed, like, you didn't feel anything? Um, I was trying to figure out if an attack was imminent.
What, so your eyes were open and shit? Yeah, my eyes were fucking open, Josh.
Oh my God.
In case you haven't noticed, there is something much bigger going on here.
I know, I just I really liked you, and I thought that you liked me too.
You're a good man, you have a good heart, I don't blame you for being taken in.
The good news is, you can still play a role in saving the world.
What about the file room? I mean, we were really vibing there.
Josh, I need you to focus.
I'm going to be dead soon.
You need to get Tiger and Wolf outside alone.
Everyone under this roof is in danger.
Why would you winky-face my Instagram post if you didn't even like me? (Jeri sighs exasperatedly) Seriously, are we still on this? (party chatter) I'm going to the bathroom now.
So what did the chimp do (party chatter) Excuse me.
Wow, that's sad.
It sounds like a sad ending, man.
(baby burbling) Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la 'Tis the season to be jolly Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la Where do you think you're going, Sparky? Ooh, not on the rat hole uh, mouth.
Okay, wow, bold.
Well, it's your lucky night, mister, because you're hot and I am newly divorced.
(unzipping) (moist mumbling) (rattling, clattering) Should have been me.
(forceful gulp) It should have been me! (moaning through wall) I got a nice surprise for you, Jeri.
I got a real nice surprise.
You know who that is? It's Elias Kronish.
And if you don't start giving me answers, he's about to go kablooey.
- Tiger! - You're bluffing.
Your TTD is broken.
Why else would you be asking so many questions about ours? Maybe.
Maybe not.
But when I fuck your entire future just straight up the ass, you'll be really proud you held out.
I I don't like where this is going.
You're telling me you used your TTD to jump back to the '40s, kidnap Kornish as a baby, then came back here to prove it to me? - That's crazy.
- Is it? What do you know about time travel? Multiverses, alternate realities? Time loops? Uh, everything? That's, like, the first knowledge pill they put into our womb fluid.
Well then pod scum, you know that all this time travel bullshit makes no fucking sense.
There's no logic to it.
So it is entirely possible that that's Elias Kronish, and you know what will happen when I pull the trigger.
I wouldn't put it past you to kill a baby.
Tiger, you're freaking me out! You should be freaked out.
She doesn't care about babies.
She doesn't have a family of her own.
She's not connected to anyone or anything.
Give me the whereabouts of your TTD, or Baby Kronish here is going to get an echoblast to his soft, little baby head.
(weapon energizes with a whir) We're not going to be stranded here.
No! Wait, stop, stop, stop, it's not even Elias Kronish! It's the neighbors' baby, Baby Wallace! He's innocent, he's innocent! (door opening) (baby squalling) Well, looks like everyone's having fun but old Uncle Barry.
You guys ever had one of these blowjob things? (coughing) So.
What did I miss? Oh, I was just telling everyone what you did to my penis in the bathroom.
Oh.
(she chuckles) You're going to want to wash those hand towels.
You you took it too far, Tiger.
Oh, I'm just getting started.
What you did in there was risky and insane.
What did you think, I was actually going to kill that thing? Yeah, definitely.
- Maybe.
- I had to explain to you what a baby is four days ago.
Okay, clearly you don't understand the fragility of this thing or how much he means to his parents.
That used to be my room.
Nothing like that ever happened when I lived there.
Can you can you please just take him downstairs, and him? Let me have a go at Jeri.
You're no match for her.
And you are? Tiger.
We've got six minutes.
Okay, just give me four.
I can do this, trust me.
- Fine.
- Okay.
There we go.
- Be careful.
- I know, I get it.
- Let him have a go at Jeri.
- Barry I know, right? They were going to shoot your baby in a sheet fort, and there's a broad out there with a shoe sticking out of her neck.
New low, Barry, you are cut off.
Okay.
- You'll see.
- Tiger, I was just telling everybody about what an unusual upbringing you had.
I never heard of a war leader.
No, he meant nothing to me.
Well, we just did these DNA tests and discovered family members we didn't even know we had.
And I was thinking, what if you have family members that you didn't know you had? Doubt it.
They're all dead, everybody'd dead.
No no, the ones you know about are dead, but what about the ones you don't know about? They could be alive! No, it's better to assume that they're dead too.
Holidays are tough.
Tiger, there must be someone out there for you.
I discovered a whole branch to my family tree going back hundreds of years.
Wait, hundreds of years? - Yeah.
- You you found lost family members with this tracking system? - Oh yeah.
- Might not want to go too far back.
(chuckling) Nah, you'll be all right.
It's over, Josh.
I'm sorry I lied to you, but the world can still know how good and kind (knocking at door) Joshie, is everything okay in there? Jesus fucking Christ, Mom, I'm going to kill you! You you have got to give me some space, please, okay? - I'm not a baby.
- Well, I know.
And I don't need your checkups and I don't need your sweets.
Well, it's just that you've been up here the whole time.
I've been up here for 18 minutes and 30 seconds, tops.
Well, but everybody else is downstairs.
I don't care what everyone else is doing! Okay, this is my life.
Just, please, leave me the fuck alone.
Okay.
Oh my God.
You should take it easy on her.
Give me a break, Jeri, okay? I'm not supposed to tell you this, but this isn't going to be your life forever.
You know my future? Of course I know your future! At least, what it was supposed to be.
Let me guess, you have detailed files.
You were going to move out of this house, get a better job, - meet a girl.
- That seems pretty general.
Her name is Lena.
She's two years older than you and sweet and shy but slyly funny.
She's a graphic designer and she drives a vintage Volvo.
That's too specific.
Look, it doesn't matter.
I'm rewriting my future as I go.
And it's changing you.
They are changing you.
Did you talk to you mother like that a week ago? Is that who you're becoming? Josh, control isn't always about influencing events.
Control is sometimes about yielding to what is.
Look, you can still walk away from this.
(Josh sighs) I just jumped right in with two feet.
Just felt so good to be a part of something.
You still can be.
All right.
Tell me what you want me to do.
I want out.
You're doing the right thing.
Then why do I feel so shitty? Being a hero doesn't always feel heroic? Sounds like the tagline to my life.
"Meet Josh Futterman.
He doesn't get the girl, he betrays his friends.
Sometimes, it take a loser to win.
" If it's any consolation, I couldn't give Tiger what she wanted anyway.
We don't even have time machines.
What do you mean? How do you get here, then? We jump in.
It's a one-way ticket.
I mean, do you have any idea how risky it is to bring future tech into the past? Yeah, Time Travel 101.
So you mean, without any more Cameronium, they're stuck here no matter what.
Considering Cameronium's not even a thing for another six years, yeah.
What happens in six years? In 2023, James Cameron dove beneath the sea James Cameron? Like, the director James Cameron? Sir James Cameron, father of modern science.
Shut up! Cameronium is named after James Cameron? Mm-hm.
Why, because he has, like, a hard-on for cool underwater shit? In 2023, James Cameron pilots his submersible, the Deepsea Challenge Extreme XG Ultra, to the deepest part of the ocean.
He pulls a variety of samples, including a phosphorescent microorganism he thinks looks cool.
It sits in his home lab for 10 years before anyone figures out what it is and what it can do.
Of course, Cameronium.
So I grabbed Eagle and I said, "You're going through that acid fire and retrieving the Yusopov amulet or none of us are going to make it back to Storm Base 9 before the Jizzadrean Kill Squad.
" Wait, what's the Jizzadrean Kill Squad again? The JKS? Elite tactical unit.
Genetic enhancement, degraded empathy.
More machine than human, really.
They will cut your nuts clean off with a (crashing) (exclaims) (gun cocking) Uncle Barry? You little shit, stop it! It was you.
And you.
And Josh was there too! Yeah! - (gun cocking) - (screaming) This is the Futterman house! We'll take care of ourselves, oh, we'll protect ourselves.
Oh geez.
You.
You broke into my house and you terrorized me when I was a little boy.
We've been over this.
Those were Latino hoodlums and a small boy! No - it was them.
- Barry, for the love of Pete, these people had nothing to do with that.
Think about what you're saying! No! (Barry yells) You're going to pay attention to me.
Why don't you get your stupid head out of this time-traveling guy's butthole? Barry, Corey is a friend.
Oh.
Is he the friend kid brother you never had? Well, I'm right here.
I'm your friend brother too, but you don't treat me like a friend brother.
You treat me like friend garbage.
Barry, that is not true! Oh, sad to sorry to say.
This ends in a shootout, right? Blood feud.
- I was good at it.
- Yeah, I don't know.
You said that Wanda would like me.
I said she might like you, might.
You said she's eager to meet people.
Not that eager.
- I have a gun.
- Oh God.
I got my eye on you two.
Don't point that gun at them.
You're not mad at them.
You're mad at me.
I'm pretty sure I'm mad at them.
I haven't been a very good brother.
You used to lock me in my room and then tell me the house was on fire.
I can disarm this man with haste and brutality, - just say the word.
- No, no.
They need to work this out.
That's not how you treat family.
Family's somebody to look out for, especially when someone's having a hard time.
It has not been easy.
I should probably not drink.
We're going to get you help because we love you.
How about you and I go back to the bathroom and take this rat hole for a spin? I will do anything you say.
Mm-hm.
(weeping) So you've been stranded here waiting for shit to go down for three years? Stuck being Stu's assistant? Yeah, pretty crazy, huh? The things you do for the cause.
What, like pretending to like me? You know what? That part actually wasn't that hard.
Well I mean, every guy I've ever been attracted to has been genetically perfect.
Hyperintelligent, like, basically flawless.
And then I met you.
Okay.
No, no and I liked it.
You're just so different.
You're so flawed but funny, and genuine.
I had my butterflies in my stomach before I kissed you.
I thought those had been engineered out of me! And I did it because I wanted to, not because I had to.
I knew it.
I knew that you liked me.
(Jeri chuckles) Yeah.
I probably should have copped to that earlier, but I don't know, my training and everything? Oh no.
No, no, no.
I'm glad you didn't.
Because to be honest, it allowed me to play the sad-sack wounded little bird who you'd tell everything to.
You were so caught up in my feelings, Jer, you kind of let your guard down.
You see, we do have a TTD.
And we're not out of Cameronium.
And you just told me how, when, and where to get more.
Oh fuck.
As fucked up as those people are out there, they never lied to me about who they are.
And your whole pod person perfect society population control thing? Well, that shit is just scary.
I'm fighting for their future, not yours.
So why don't you contemplate that in the next 30 sec (splattering explosion) All right, we're almost out of time.
We're gonna need, we need Oh, look at that.
You get everything we needed? Yeah.
I got it, everything.
Good.
Well, looks like she won't be playing any more head games with us.
Too soon.
(beeping) This is Lamar Price saying your time is up, Josh Futterman.
The fuck, Tiger.
She exploded early.
Yeah, it's Gamma Protocol.
It's always like give or take a minute.
Tiger, Josh! We're going to take a picture down here.
Bring Jeri if she's feeling up to it.
(thud) Be right there! I know how to get more Cameronium.
But we've got to get out of here fast.
Just just give me a minute.
Yeah.
And you should probably you know.
Yeah, yeah.
(door closes)