Future Man (2017) s02e09 Episode Script

The Ballad of PUP-E Q. Barkington

1 [lightning crackling] LUGNUT: Previously on "Future Man" Tiger's a Biotic.
We're never gonna see her again.
The TTD's destroyed, so we're trapped in this time line forever.
We have two days to stop the attack! We're all gonna die! Your whole life is built on a lie.
You lie every day to another man's family and an orphan child.
You know deep down that their love is for someone else.
At least I have someone else.
Who do you have? [dramatic music] TIGER: I just put this on my head, like a hat? It's not a hat.
Gah! I know this isn't real, but I don't care.
I wish I could see the real you, if there was a real you.
There is.
This is me.
TIGER: I can I can feel you.
- STU: [moans] Tiger! - Stu! MARS actually stands for "Mankind's Automated Reality System.
" That's where I took you today.
- Will you come with me? - Sure.
- [beeping] - [gasps] [babbling] Joosh? - I love you so much - STU: Bring me this boy.
If anyone tries to stop you, kill them.
[dramatic electronic music] [electrical pop] [ominous music] [gentle lyre music] Aww, look at you, all tentative and fidgety.
Just like the first time he sowed with us.
[laughter] You had never even shot a bucket before.
- HATCHET: At first you were - RAKE: Terrible.
You ate ass like Lathe eats an All-Nut.
- Just - ALL: [laughter] Before that night, we were bundled, but we weren't truly a cluster.
Hey, uh, I'm I'm not really in the mood.
This whole Supreme Overlord thing is [exhales] it's pretty tiring.
Kind of takes the poke out of your spoke, you know? That's why you need this sow.
HATCHET: Tonight's all about you.
- So get on the nest.
- Close your eyes.
- Open your mouth.
- THIMBLE: Put out your hand.
- LEVEL: Arch your back.
- And spread those cheeks.
[suspenseful music] [soft exhale] [banjo tuning] [muffled grunting and moaning] WOMAN: [pleasured shouting] Sounds like it's time for "The Muffle Song.
" [upbeat banjo music] KIDS: This is the Muffle Song Let's all sing the Muffle Song If you can't sing loud enough Cram your ears with random stuff Mud and grass or knives and shears How else can we save our ears [muffled talking and pleasured shouting] [sighs] - [PUP-E warbling softly] - I know.
[muffled spanking and moaning] That's good, that'll keep all the bad sounds out, okay? [PUP-E warbling softly] You're too pure for this world.
[kisses] ["Muffled Song" playing] [muffled grunting and moaning] [suspenseful music] KIDS: We sing the Muffle Song Even though it's running long Pulling out would just feel wrong Our rhythm method is so strong Here's a pounding from big bong! [loud percussion] [muffled moaning and yelping continues] What the [yelping] [gasping] Not again.
[soft grunting] [dramatic music] [lasers warble] [grunts] [men grunting] Oh, shit! [panting] They're coming! They're coming for me! - Ah! - [gagging] - WOMAN: [yelps] - [gags] Excuse you! What do you think the bean husk on the door handle means? [stammers] I'm sorry, I didn't know.
- I didn't know - [grunts] No, no, no, no! - [grunting] - [gasping] WOLF: Cum whisk! Ow! [groaning] - WOLF: Cum bucket! - Ooh! [dramatic music] JOSH: I told you! I told you Pointed Circle was here and they were coming after me.
Did you say "cum whisk"? - Yeah.
- I don't want to know.
Shit.
Shit-shit-shit-shit! [utensils clatter] What's happening? They're here to eat us! [kick whips] I can't fight them and protect you.
Here, take these chits to the blind baker.
I'll find you at the pee hole once I kill everybody.
- You got a secret stash? - Pee hole? Oh, shit.
Go! Go! - [grumbles] - Oh, shit! [all grunting] [bones cracking] Get out of here! - Pee hole! Pee hole! - Okay, pee hole, pee hole.
I'm good at two things, beating ass and eating ass.
Bad news for you: chow time's over.
[dramatic music] [Thimble screams] What? BOTH: [grunting] Bio-Techs in the cluster-nest! - [grunts] - No! No! - HATCHET: [battle cry] - [blow lands] [women yelping] No! My ab! [men grunting] [bones crack] [screams] I'll eat your face! Stay back! I'll handle this.
Lock the door! [grunting] [screams] - [grunts] - [chokes weakly] [panting] Oh, "boobs.
" "Boobs," come on, Tiger.
Come on.
"Boobs.
" [muffled "Muffle Song" singing] [suspenseful music] BOTH: [grunting] Uh, let me guess, uh.
Just so I'm clear, nobody's friends? [grunts] - [grunts] Torque! - [necks crack] Wrench? [sighs] You never did learn to fight, you silly son of a bitch.
[muffled women yelping] WOMAN: [muffled] Giddyup! Giddyup! [gentle dramatic music] Stu [mechanical whirring] Pancakes? What is this? What are you up to? What can't a father make his daughter her favorite meal? [sighs] Why are you trying to bribe me? Bribe? I I would never bri I just, uh wanted to celebrate 'cause I have big news.
Drum roll please.
[energetic drum roll plays] Tiger and I are in love and she's coming with me to MARS.
What the fuck, Dad! I know it can be hard for a child when their single dad starts dating again.
Other dads don't date identical copies of their children! I thought you would be happy.
You never wanted to go to MARS and now you don't have to.
So you just find a replacement me and then banish me to a fiery death on Earth? I I thought this is what you wanted.
I can't win for trying with you.
Look, come to MARS, don't come to MARS.
The point is, there comes a time in every parent's life when they have to let their little girl grow up.
And I know you're only 34, but now is that time.
[tender music] [exhales deeply] She's vulnerable, just like I was.
But in time, she'll see [soft electrical warbling] right through you.
And she'll realize all this talk of "being human" is just as empty as this space where your heart should be.
[snaps fingers] You wouldn't say all that if you didn't really love me! [claw whirring] [beeps] [soft dramatic music] [soft grunting] It's my job.
Exclusively.
Where you going? To find a new cluster.
Maybe no cluster.
Some place where I can be chill again.
Hopefully far from you.
Wait, wait.
You're not the one who should leave.
I am.
I tried to tell you this once but I didn't go far enough.
I'm not the man you think I am.
Literally.
This is not a metaphor.
For too long, I've hidden behind a wall of metaphors.
[sighs] Shit, there I go again.
So you're not Torque? Correct.
I tried to be him, because well, being him meant that I could love all of you and be loved by you.
And goddamn it, I've never experienced a love so pure.
It blinded me.
And now, now my sins have been visited upon this cluster-nest.
And for that, I am I'm so sorry.
So do you know where the real Torque is? N-no.
Where do you think he is? I don't know.
Uh, I've never met him.
But if I did meet him, I would tell him he's the luckiest man who ever lived.
His dick was a lot bigger than yours.
I know.
[somber piano music] I know.
Oh, and, uh, try to break this to Lugnut gently.
Tell her I was burned to death or something.
THIMBLE: [soft crying] [beeping] [soft suspenseful music] [whirring] STU: Waffles? Uh, I'll take it to go.
To go? I had a whole evening planned.
Oh, well, I just gotta go check on something.
It's probably nothing.
If it's probably nothing, why don't you stay? Or or go.
Check two things.
Whatever makes you happy.
Hey, hey, um.
When I get back, maybe we can, um, put this robot arm to better use than just making waffles.
Oh.
[soft chuckle] - All right.
- Yeah.
- [soft whoosh] - That was weird, right? Totally weird.
I mean, right after I send my kill-mandos to abduct her friend Joosh, all of a sudden she's got to check something? Am I wrong? You are 100% right in everything you're feeling, all the time.
[dramatic music pounds] [rings clink] [blade whips] [exhales] Burned alive? Yeah.
I, uh, I just didn't want to hurt you.
I always knew you weren't Papa Torque.
At first, I thought it was weird, but then I saw how much you cared and it didn't bother me so much anymore.
Wow.
You are one adaptable kid.
I want to come with you.
[tender music] Um, come here.
[sniffs] Where I'm going, you can't come.
Papa Tor Wolf is gonna do some bad things to some bad people.
I could close my eyes.
No, you're gonna have to make do with just five parents.
Okay, little lady? You might be better off.
I'm kind of flying blind here as a dad.
If I could absorb all the world's pain before it touched you, I'd do it.
But I also cut a guy's arm off like ten minutes ago, so I'm kind of a mixed bag parent-wise.
[tearful laugh] You're a real catfucker.
[soft chuckle] Yeah.
Well, you got that right.
Your other parents may not understand you, but they love you.
And they'll keep you safe.
I'm sorry, Lug.
I gotta go.
[kisses] Wolf! [stirring orchestral music] I love you.
I love you too, Lug.
AHMADI: Funny how her little errand just happens to take her beyond your camera range.
She's playing you for a fool.
She's gonna leave you.
Right after you let her inside you.
Oh, I guess she got what she wanted, and now it's wham-bam, thank you, hologram.
No.
No, that was real.
She felt it too.
Your kill-mandos failed.
Killed by who? Her flesh-and-blood boyfriend, Wolf! They're holding hands and tongue-kissing right now, and Joosh is headed there to watch.
JOSH: [panting] Why would he watch? No! No.
Tiger and I are meant to be together.
Our love is bound to cross time and death itself.
[panting] Tiger.
- Oh, my God, I'm so - Oh, God.
- I'm so happy to see you.
- Oh.
TIGER: Futturman, what are you what are you doing? Kill them.
Kill them now.
No court in the land would convict you.
[soft panting, crying] Oh, God.
Wolf boobs'd me like 15 times.
Yeah, no.
No, those those are my boobs.
Oh.
All right, well, what the fuck happened to you? [panting] So much.
So much, I I was a slave.
I was a dog.
Everyone's been trying to kill me since I got here.
And they found me.
They came after me.
W who? The Pointed Circle.
All right, they are there, inside the NAG, and they came after me.
I barely made it out with my life.
Okay, well, what what about Wolf? Where's Wolf? [screams] I knew it! They're all laughing at you! Laughing at you! You know what you need to do.
- Launch the kill drone.
- Oh oh.
STU: I can't believe she would do this to me.
I'm begging you, please, please, let me come live with you.
- What is happening right now? - Please.
I promise, I'll be I'll be a good boy.
Okay, I'll be quiet you won't even have to use the muzzle.
I promise, okay? I I don't care if you're a Biotic.
I really I don't care.
AHMADI: Kill them! Kill them both right now.
JOSH: Me me and PUP-E, we won't need much.
Jesus.
AHMADI: There's no such thing as true love.
Do it already! Your dog days are over.
Come on.
- Really? - Come on, yeah.
- Oh, God, thank you so much.
- Ohh.
- Yeah, we'll go to Stu's.
- JOSH: Stu? That's where you've been this whole time? Yeah.
He's the best.
He's gonna save everyone I mean, everyone who's willing to be saved.
Oh, we're going to MARS tomorrow.
- You should come.
- No.
- Tomorrow's the attack.
- Stu's got it under control.
Wha what about Wolf? Forget Wolf.
Our future's with Stu.
[gasps] Launch launch the welcome drone! [pleased gasping] [soft laugh] What'd I tell you? True love always wins.
Yeah.
Yeah.
[wind whipping softly] [luau music playing softly] Oh, my God, air-conditioning.
Yeah, you like that? Real food.
[exhales] Oh, my God [hologram warbles] [warbling] Why? Why? [crying] Aloha, Joosh! Welcome to my world.
Ah, orange.
[fruit plops softly] Wow, you're you're so Stu-like.
The Krona-bomber in the flesh.
You don't look like America's most dangerous terrorist.
No, I've seen him fight.
Absolutely harmless.
[soft laugh] Huh.
Are you making yourself taller? I mean, I I know it's like, you know, the real you, but you just look so, like, solid.
[soft electrical warble] Oh.
You think this is weird for you? For years, you were the star of my nightmares.
And now, here you are.
Your eyes looked so much colder and harder in those courtroom sketches.
No, there's nothing hard about Josh Futturman.
No, nothing hard.
[laughs] Okay, I think he gets the point, Tiger, thanks.
You look hungry.
That one's real.
Is there like a a labeling system or something? Well, Stu has a vision.
He wants, uh, our world and his world to seamlessly be integrated.
Oh, so I'm supposed to just, like, smush my hand through everything to see if it's real or not, or Small price to pay for equality.
Yeah.
Have a drink.
You're probably thirsty.
[exhales] You have no idea.
- [laughing] - [snickers] That's fucked up, guys.
I love juice.
- [laughing] Yeah.
- It never gets old.
- No, I know, I know.
I know.
- I keep waiting.
You should see what he can do with furniture.
Yeah.
[chuckles] [snickers] Is is there something going on between you two? - Well - No, no-no-no-no-no-no, no, no, we don't we don't know what it is.
The Germans call it komputaboinken.
- Ha.
- Oh.
Uh, okay, okay, congratulations.
I'm, uh, I'm Now, I know why I'm here and I know that Tiger came with Wolf.
But the question remains, how are you out of jail and in my living room, 150 years in the future? - Well.
- WOLF: [clears throat] [dramatic music] Don't ever say I come to a party empty-handed.
Boom.
Big entrance.
Wolf! Welcome.
I've been expecting you.
- No, you haven't.
- Have too.
My cameras picked you up the moment you set foot on the Mons.
Your theatrics, while amusing, are highly unnecessary.
What are you doing here? I am not going back to that doghouse.
No way, no how.
I am finally a human again.
I'm not here for you.
I'm here for him.
Me? Pourquoi? You send dark suits into my cluster-nest, where my husbands and my wives sleep, where my kinda-daughter plays with her stick, into my cluster-nest! Oh, you bored? Look at the bracelet on that arm.
Does that look familiar? You could have chopped that off of anybody.
You think I just go around chopping off hands for kicks? Yep, all the time.
Okay, fair enough.
Guys, that's not important, okay? It doesn't matter who's right or who's wrong or whose arm that is.
Okay, we have bigger problems at hand.
Are you really gonna cast your lot with this techno-weenie? Oh, I compiled 139 devastating comebacks to that, but I'm gonna take the virtual high road.
What do you care what I do? You gave up on me a long time ago.
Lifetimes of fighting side by side, and you just threw it all away because of something that doesn't matter: genetics.
Yeah.
Well, maybe if you had a little more faith and told me the truth from the beginning.
What, when you were bleeding out in a bean field? My ears weren't bleeding! Stop it! God, for once, just stop fighting and listen to me.
Every since I got here, I've been ignored, I've been abused, I've been disregarded, I've had bags thrown over my head.
We're 150 years in the future and we're still throwing bags over people's heads? Jesus Christ, you guys are not each other's enemies.
The real enemy is the Pointed Circle, and for all we know, they're trying to kill us as we speak.
And Achilles is launching his attack tomorrow.
- We're all in danger.
- Stu won't let that happen.
I don't give a fuck what Stu is gonna do or not do.
Let's not cut Stu out just yet.
You know what, Stu? We are all very impressed.
Okay? You are a hologram.
You have this big, fancy all-white house.
And you made yourself a little bit taller.
Congratulations.
Don't give a fuck.
This is between the three of us.
You do not matter.
[soft dramatic music] What happened to you two? You guys used to be a team.
We used to be a team.
I matter! I swear to fucking God, Stu! You open your mouth one more goddamn time, I'm gonna shove this holographic food down your holographic throat! [electrical glitching] Hey.
Stu? TIGER: Stu, are you okay? [whoosh] [dramatic music] You want to live or die? Uh, live.
[pistol charges] - [glass shatters] - BOTH: [yelp] [breathing heavily] Oh! TY-ANNE: Then you better come with me.
Neither one of you were getting out of here alive.
I'll explain later.
My dad will be back online any second.
What what about Tiger? Well, she's loyal to Stu.
You wanna save her? We gotta stop him.
Who are you? I'm Achilles.