Gadget Man (2012) s03e01 Episode Script


Caution advises that we must have no secrets from one another, so I must fully disclose that, yes, I am Richard Ayoade, and, yes, this is a show about gadgets.
I'm on a mighty quest to show that gadgets can improve even the most rotten of real-life situations.
This is amazing! On my way, I'll be joined by an assorted assembly of notable companions.
Some are willing Oh, baby, check it! .
while others oppose me.
I don't like it.
Excuse me! And, ultimately, I will definitively demonstrate that no activity, event or person cannot be improved by applying the soothing balm of gadget.
Are you always so curmudgeonly? Yeah.
Tonight, I and two carelessly selected guests will hurtle headlong, aided by the latest gadgets, into the lunacy that is British weather.
I wish I could be pumping in there with you, Tim.
It can go faster than that.
Can it? Argh! We have gadgets, and some might even call me a man.
It's Gadget Man.
British weather is world-renowned for its well-rubbishness and it's getting more well-rubbish by the day.
April snow, really windy days, and flipping flooding.
What in Pete's name is going on? Can gadgets help buffer us from this meteorological onslaught? Rain is rarely welcome upon one's person.
Especially if you, like me, wear suits that are prone to dissolve.
But soggy shirts are history with the Outerboro Waterproof Shirt.
This shirt is 100% cotton but is treated with a Teflon fabric protector that makes it liquid and stain repellent.
But showers are oft unexpected.
What are you going to do then, Captain Gadget? Well, I'll simply reach for my emergency poncho.
This might look like an ordinary, if small, rucksack, but it transforms into a three-layer, highly breathable poncho as well as making me look impossibly masculine.
Now, ideally, I'd like to conduct all of my important business calls in the middle of rainstorms, as a way of giving them a framework of pathetic fallacy.
But, up until now, that's been a mere dream.
Well, that dream is now a reality, thanks to the Sony Xperia Z2.
A fully waterproof handset.
Other than any available ceiling, rain is one of Lionel Ritchie's favourite places to dance.
Even though rain is not a place.
But the key thing is he now can dance in the rain, should he wish.
And it's all because of the UE Boom - a shower-proof speaker.
MUSIC: "Dancing on the Ceiling" by Lionel Richie Still dancing.
During rain like this, only Lionel would continue to dance.
We others would be scrabbling for a brolly.
There are literally many umbrellas on the market, but which is the best? How the rudd would I know? The only possible way of finding out would be, say, to gather the opinion of a small group of representative UK individuals.
And here they are.
A public panel running a giddying gamut of genders, ethnicities and ages.
An unarguably comprehensive canvas of consensus.
A British person is only ever a few hours away from needing a brolly.
And, this week, my panel will be testing the future of precipitation protection.
First up, the skilled labourer will be trying out the hands-free telescopic umbrella.
How are you doing under there? I'm getting totally dry.
You're becoming more dry? Yes.
That's incredible.
But if I was to go in like that How's that? You can't get me.
Next, the retiree is using the 2-In-1 Tough Umbrella.
How are you doing under there? Very well.
I think it's very good, and it's pink.
'We all know City workers love consuming liquid.
' Let's make it rain.
'So the City professional is trialling 'the Morella Double Cup Holder, which attaches to any brolly.
' How's it functioning as an umbrella? As an umbrella, fantastic.
You know, you can have your drinks and if you want to take a selfie, like Yeah.
It really works.
'The student is testing the accurately named 'Colour Changing Umbrella.
' Oh, dear, that's small.
'The hydrochromatic ink is white when dry, 'but a coterie of colours when wet.
' Well, we're getting an incredible visual treat over here, I can tell you.
I bet you are.
Ah, blowback! 'Now that our four umbrella gadgets 'have been tested in real-life conditions, 'it's time to reveal the nation's favourite.
' Panel, you've all acquitted yourself admirably.
You seem drier than I.
But what is the verdict? We all agree the 2-In-1 Tough Umbrella.
That's quite good, cos you have two people under it.
Two people under it, without poking each other's eyes.
That is what we want.
The nation has spoken.
The 2-In-1 Tough Umbrella from Japan is the umbrella of the week and perhaps of all time.
We all know that climate change is a complete impossibility, but what if one day there were any significant environmental shifts? Like really bad rain or very gusty winds.
What use are futuristic brollies then? I'm going to need something special.
Time to call my technical support staff.
Hi, yep, it's me.
I'm concerned about environmental apocalypse.
I do know it's a completely irrational fear, but please humour me.
When the gales of doom descend, I want to be completely self-sufficient and survive.
I need a life raft that provides shelter, water, food and self-generating power.
Hurry up before I'm completely deluged.
My tech team are not renowned for instantaneous solutions.
So I'm out to find the best existing gadgets that will help me survive the apocalypse.
First, I'm heading to Southampton University, where breeze-happy academics routinely generate wind speeds of up to 90mph.
I've also enlisted the help of someone who is not only Britain's foremost pun raconteur, but a man who has battled wind since he was born.
And once even lost a sombrero to a low gust.
So who better to assist my quest to grapple gales than comedian Tim Vine? Hello.
Richard, lovely to see you.
We're in Southampton.
And, if that wasn't enough, we're also in a wind tunnel.
Ah, I'm absolutely beside myself.
Look at this.
I've got to say, we're fully shielded, so there's no way that massive thing could get through those two bits of chicken wire.
You're right, I think that's safe.
That's safe.
I love wind.
At the moment I'm writing the stage version of the film Twister.
I've got as far as the first DRAFT.
There's a bit of a problem with the scenery, but it'll all blow over.
There we are.
That's both of them.
Oh, come on now.
This is a delight.
Let's focus in on the impending apocalypse.
Yes, let's.
I've brought you a very special jacket.
Riders On The Storm.
It zips up.
It's got an ergonomic patented hood.
It's kind of "dress up as a grasshopper", isn't it? It's lovely.
It looks good.
I'm going to slip on the Kolon.
Which is from Korea, where I get all of my Gore-Tex wear from.
I'm steaming up in here.
I might let you out a tiny bit.
Ah, right.
I've got a wind turbine.
So what does that do, though? I can power my mobile phone.
Now Vine and I are kitted up to the nines, we're ready for the wind tunnel to funnel some wind.
Let's see how strong this wind is with a Vaavud.
It's based on a, you know, your standard anemometer.
Two-cup design.
It's 24.
7 miles per hour, but the average is 23.
Now, who can get through a storm without smoking regularly? I've got these storm matches.
No way! Yes.
Argh! Good grief! Ah! Sorry, they've all come out.
No, that's good.
Tim, I'm going to offer you some ear defenders.
They will do everything they can to protect your ears.
Pardon? I'm about to blow the storm whistle.
It's twice as loud as any mouth-blown whistle.
118 decibels.
PIERCING WHISTLE Did you do it? That's how good those ear defenders are.
And help is on its way.
'Now it's time for me to step back into my natural support role, 'while Tim tests the Heimplanet Wedge.
'A two-man tent which has inflatable poles.
' Once tethered to the floor, he'll put up this tent in what the Beaufort Scale describes as, and I quote, "a strong gale".
Stay strong, Tim.
I don't want to lose you in there.
'I wonder if Tim can still pun in extreme tent-erecting conditions?' It sounds like you're in Vietnam, Tim, over.
I just wish I was in that tunnel with you, pumping away.
I haven't heard a pun for at least a minute.
I'm getting worried.
We're at 53mph, Tim.
He's lost his nozzle.
He's lost his nozzle.
Vine is getting in the tent.
No-one told me how to get in the tent! Just use the zip, Tim.
Use the zip.
It's windy enough to make you think that perhaps you shouldn't be in a tent.
Tim, use your storm umbrella.
It's won a number of awards.
Apparently the person who designed it lost three umbrellas in a week and thought, "I've got to design the umbrella of the future.
" Regrettably, I'd neglected to tell Tim that the Senz Umbrella is opened by pulling the runner, rather than the traditional push.
This is a powerful image.
You've produced some haunting imagery in there.
Tim, that was a heck of a wind.
It made you realise, if you were stuck on the side of a mountain in that sort of wind, that would be rather nasty.
I went to a shop, I said, "I want to buy a tent.
" He said, "TO CAMP.
" I said, "Sorry, I want to buy a tent".
"I also want to buy a caravan.
" He said, "CAMPER?" I said, "Make your mind up.
" But those puns deserted you.
None of them were in when I needed them.
No, they do not work in a high wind.
I hope we meet again in similarly extreme weather conditions.
So do I.
Coming up, outdoors advocate Marcus Brigstocke joins me as I take on large quantities of sub-zero solidified liquid.
Wow! Ah! That looks rubbish.
How dare you! In a world where the weather becomes more extreme by the day, I'm searching for gadgets to keep me warm and dry.
My technical support staff are busily constructing the ultimate self-sufficiency survival raft for the inevitable apocalypse.
But now I must turn my attention to another very real climatic concern.
Harsh winters are a fact of life, like tats or Simon Mayo, and we must do everything in our power to battle them and battle them hard.
That's why I spend every weekend preparing for the future Arctic apocalypse right here.
Shizzle's getting real, people! As well as being a boss place to chillax, Hemel Hempstead Snow Centre, with a permanent temperature below zero, is the perfect place to assess gadgets designed to help us cope when the big freeze hits Britain.
And aiding me in this wondrous endeavour is renowned winter sports enthusiast Marcus Brigstocke.
Right, you know the expression, "When hell freezes over"? Yes.
This is what I think it would be.
You think if hell froze over that they'd provide sledges? This is ridiculous.
It's a very light sledge and it's got runners underneath.
If you lean, you can steer it.
That's not steering, that's just falling one way or another.
Look at what I've provided you.
A VW sled with a steering wheel.
A VW sled.
This has got brakes here.
I'm going to set off with one hand already on the brake.
All right, let's go.
Er, I've broken the steering wheel.
MUSIC: "In The Hall Of The Mountain King" by Edvard Grieg MUSIC: A Cappella Version Of "In The Hall Of The Mountain King" The braking system is not adequate.
This is not braking.
Lift your feet! Lift! Lift! How was it? It was as fun as falling.
Come the end of the world, sledges will be fine for fleeing from a pursuing avalanche, but what if escape from the storm requires uphill flight? This is the latest thing.
This is The Thruster.
Four electric fans spinning at up to 30,000 RPM are mounted on a hand-held bar.
Wow! Collectively, they generate a maximum thrust of 150 pounds, literally dragging feckless snowboarders up the slope.
Yeah? I like it a lot.
But, as a man of gadget, I don't just come equipped with one method of uphill assistance, I have a flip load.
The Juggernaut Bike.
Look at those wheels.
That's incredible.
26 inches.
You'd have to have a load of these at the bottom Great.
and just leave them at the top so that you could ride it up and then snowboard back down.
Like a Boris Bike scheme.
But look at this, that's the Propul Surf.
I've done a lot of snowboarding and I don't like to be cynical, but Just say it.
that looks rubbish.
How dare you! You come onto my slope and slag off my Propul Surf.
That's based on the Archimedes' screw.
From that point of view, it's very exciting, but what are you gonna do with all of that on the back of your board? I kind of want to see you go.
How was it? It was good.
Basically, if the heavy screws weren't on, I would be able to push you up the hill.
This feels like you're doing A lot of the work.
It feels like you're pushing me.
That's what it feels like.
MACHINERY STRUGGLES That's not a healthy sound.
It can go faster than that.
Can it? But Argh, the speed(!) You've left some pretty good tracks.
I'm gonna just kick back here for a while.
I'm gonna try the bike.
If I come flying past, that'll be me.
If you get past me, I'd be very surprised.
Come on! No! OK, come on.
I'll give you a head start.
Yes! Yes! This is gonna pick up.
Yeah, that's better.
I feel I haven't convinced Marcus with my big freeze gadgets, but maybe I can woo him at the apres ski.
First up, it's the handheld Algiz XRW.
It's a rugged military-standard laptop that can be used in conditions such as sand, rain, or even extreme temperatures.
This is a frankly well-hard laptop.
You could tweet from From underneath snow.
My hands are toasty.
Do you know why? I do.
The Snuglin, y'all.
Do you know how much this is costing me to run? I've no idea? Is it pricy? 1p an hour.
I mean, the one issue with it I would say is that you need to be You need to be plugged in.
You'd have to stay They need to get a rechargeable one of these on the market ASAP, and they are working on that.
You like music? I do.
You like speakers? Yep.
You're gonna love the Beartek Glove.
It's a bluetooth-enabled glove, which can link to my smartphone, for example, and I can play music.
SONG: "Dancing On The Ceiling" by Lionel Richie Listen to that.
And then I skip here.
Skip tracks there.
MUSIC: "In The Hall Of The Mountain King" It's great.
And I've got 80 hours charge on this.
So when the next ice age descends, which gadget will you be using to battle the engulfment? The Snuglin.
I didn't hesitate.
With that snuggly, comfy warmth.
After heroically combating sub-zero temperatures, gale-force winds and torrential rain, I'm now ready to board my tech team's armageddon-busting survival raft.
When the final storm comes, I, for one, will be ready.
When the seas rise, when the winds howl, when there are seven moons and a blood-red sky, I will take to this, the Gadget Man survival raft.
It may look like a well-rubbish boat, but it's actually kitted out to the gills with hi-tech biz.
Check out my joint, y'all.
I've got a big torch in here.
It's 1,600 lumens and watch its distress signal.
It's only going to be a matter of days before someone picks me up.
I'm going to use this - HotCan.
I don't need heat with a HotCan, because via an exothermic reaction, it provides its own heat and heats up this delicious-looking chicken curry.
Now, water.
The Lifesaver Water Bottle will allow me to drink any water, despite its infection level.
While I await rescue, I need to keep my electronic wares safe from the impending storm water.
For this I have a Lifeproof Lifejacket for my tablet and a P2i waterproof coating for my phone.
When it comes back out I can still tweet - "How are you? #apocalypse" Now, I can read your nay-saying noggins.
You're literally thinking, "How will you keep your various gadgets charged?" Well, my boffins have installed these hydraulically-raised wind turbines to generate power.
So there.
"And how will you shelter?" you continue.
Under this also hydraulically-powered state-of-the-art shelter.
This is all very well and good for Tooting Lido, but what about genuine adverse weather conditions? How's about I bring you a storm? Make it rain.
Not only is this drama on a cinematic level, but, as promised, my gadget vessel is keeping me protected, nourished and charged to the max.
MUSIC: "O Fortuna" by Carl Orff Yes, in many ways I am just in the middle of Tooting Lido, but when the apocalypse comes and when Kevin Costner's terrifying prediction of a waterworld comes true, and it will come true, I'll have my gadget skiff.
What will you have? Next time - how do you survive the hell of public transport? With gadgets, of course.
This is who I am.
That's the guy.
I'm ready to vac and rest.

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