Gadget Man (2012) s03e02 Episode Script

Public Transport

In multiple situations, I have cause to reveal my identity as being Richard Ayoade, and this, a show dedicated to the latest in gadgetry, is one such situation.
I use gadgetry as a buffer between myself and any physical or mental exertion.
This is insane.
And in this show, I will be battling with the prolonged purgatory we both know as public transport.
Will you put that on my face? WHIRRING Let's do the things that you just saw, but over a longer period of time.
I have just enjoyed a relatively acceptable day looking at paintings of and by people who failed to beat death.
But my relaxation quota has been used up and I must perforce return to the Gadget House.
It is a journey filled with the capacity to test me beyond my very capabilities, a journey bestrewn with boredom, crowds, inexplicable damp patches and discomfort.
Ladies and gentlemen of this green land, I shall be travelling by public transport.
I shall begin my odyssey underground.
Joining me is a man who unfathomably claims to enjoy the spontaneous human interaction that can occur on public transport - comedian Russell Howard.
I'm sorry I'm two days late.
That's OK.
Do you want to start? It's been I've been so bored.
I know.
Oyster cards are dead to me.
I simply touch my phone against these near-field-communication enabled barriers.
These could be rolled out across the underground as early as the end of the year.
Through with my phone, y'all.
The underground can have as much as 1mg of dust in every cubic metre of air - a sobering statistic.
So I plan to take no chances.
Before we get on escalator 12, the pollen mask.
How does it work? Put this on and we can also re-enact the end to ET.
Yeah, nice.
OK? Yeah.
I'm going to put on my own mask, the Respro.
It's going to filter out harmful contaminants.
OK? Yep.
Let's go down.
Let's go down.
We're safe to go.
We're safe to go down.
Just blending in.
How's the USB pollen mask? It's great.
There's no pollen near me.
I feel good as well.
Against my better judgment, Russell persuades me to abandon our masks before boarding the train.
Ah, look at the humanity! Hello.
Look at all these lovely people, Rich.
Oh, the humanity, is what I say.
Come on, let's have a look at this.
The Mini-Max seat.
Give it its name.
You can't get a seat.
I like you, but you can't pull that off.
I just DID pull it off.
Perhaps people can't deal with a man on a Mini-Max, but suddenly, conventional seats become available.
When you're on the Tube Yep.
and someone's listening to headphones, often the ambient noise-spill is truly irritating, isn't it? Occasionally you get something nice, though.
Let's say I'm listening to something that you like What, are you Craig David? I did, didn't I?! What I want is to block them out.
Look at this.
It's made out of wood, hand-crafted wood, so it's not going to resonate as much and leak out, and also you'll like this, Russell.
The memory foam is sweat resistant.
Handing the headphones over is a joy, thanks to the tangle-resistant Kevlar-reinforced cable.
It's a good beat.
I can't hear it.
You'd like it.
I would like it.
We could have one ear each if you like.
Enjoy it together.
Be a nice thing.
Take them off.
What are you? In Utopia? I just thought it would be nice.
The '60s are over.
It failed! Next, a problem that blights the lives of millions.
How do you maintain constant core temperature on public transport? It's a question I ask myself every day.
What you got? Arctic Heat cooling vest.
Check it.
Inside the silver strips, a gel insert.
Chill the jacket in the freezer and they will stay cool for up to two hours.
You can also heat up the jacket for use on cold days.
Struggling here.
It's You've tangled it.
You need to take it back off.
Help me.
I'm not going to help you.
It's not ideal.
Please, help me.
I'm not going to help you.
Thanks, mate.
See, look at that.
What's your name? Bruce.
Don't engage.
Don't engage.
Don't engage.
Could be anyone.
You know what can happen.
I'm now ready.
How does it feel? You look good.
I think this is awful, mate.
What are you talking about? Just feels weird.
Let me put it on you.
But do you feel cooler? I feel very cool in all senses of the word.
Fortunately for Russell, there are even more discreet ways of keeping cool.
The Aeroseat Cooling Cushion, straight from our friends in Japan.
Sit on it, switch it on.
That fan, that's going to cool your seat.
I'm not getting anything.
You have a go.
Nothing, right? No.
I'm getting something.
Let me tell you, friends, this fan sucks in up to 190 litres of air a minute, which is blown through the fabric of the cushion to cool the sitter's seat - my seat.
My entire anus and lower thighs are cooler than they were.
But we have no evidence.
You have my word, Russell.
Let's bust this joint.
Yeah, sure.
The end of an ordeal made bearable only by gadgets.
Russell, our journey has ended.
I'd like to thank you for your time and muted enthusiasm, but being with you has reminded me very much how much I prefer being on my own.
Oh So, with that, I must take my leave.
Till we meet again.
In Valhalla.
Taxi! Excellent.
Morning, mate.
Where to? Greenwich.
Moving from underground to overground, and specifically in this hydrogen-powered taxi, represents a great leap forward.
I have a private space which I need not share.
Plus the HIVOX anti-motion sickness bracelet massages my pressure points to keep nausea at bay.
I'm massively on top of things.
Did you watch the football last night? 'In what way is that his business?' I didn't know that there was football last night.
Oh, right, yeah, England played last night.
You not into football, then? Um I know it exists.
'Mercifully I can cocoon myself from this intolerable small talk.
' Do you do any sport? Um, you know, just wind-surfing, that kind of stuff.
'This is better, but now I'm feeling claustrophobic.
' There's got to be a better way.
Confound it.
Stop the car! Hello, technical staff member.
I'd like to travel by taxi without having to engage buffoons like this in banter.
No offence.
Don't fail me.
Bit awkward, actually.
Well, I've just briefed my technical staff in that rather moving scene you just saw, but not even I can expect instant results, hence my public transport odyssey must, and in a very real sense, will continue.
Meanwhile, check my public panel - four people who represent all Britain.
Their duty - to test gadgets.
In this case, gadgets for transportingstuff.
For retired people, bus travel can be more productive with the Assero Industries Defender bag.
It's a backpack that swivels round to become an iPad-holding mobile desk.
I don't personally take long bus or train journeys.
But if I did, I think I'd probably find this quite useful.
For manual workers looking to transport themselves and their chattels, the BriefSkate.
I think it's very '70s.
Yes, it is good for the skateboarder who has no pockets.
For city workers who want to keep things close to their chest or their back, the BC Vest has a built-in rucksack.
Would you wear it on a day-to-day basis? No.
It's just it really is just a bit bulky.
The Phorce bag allows students to charge tablets, phones and laptops.
So many times I've gone out See, it's charging now.
I've gone out and my phone runs out of battery and I can't do anything about it, so this would definitely solve that problem for me.
So you no doubt tested all the gadgets thoroughly and conscientiously, but which did you like best? We decided on the Phorce bag, because you could charge mobile devices on the go and you also have an app which tells you if you leave your bag behind.
It's the word of Britain.
The Phorce bag is the transportation gadget of the week.
I'm going to sit down.
I shouldn't be stood up on a bus.
There's notices.
This is illegal.
Coming up - my public transport expedition takes a terrifying turn.
And I take Adam Buxton on the kind of ride he'd sooner forget.
This is weird.
I'm part-way through an arduous odyssey by public transport from the heart of London to Gadget House.
So far even the latest gadgetry has failed to fight my fear of being underground.
We could have one ear each if you like.
Or indeed overground.
However, I have been inspired to commission my technical support staff to develop a taxi that operates independently of a yappy driver.
But despite stressing the urgency of my need, my transport is not yet ready.
So it looks like I will have to travel like a regular sap for a little while longer.
This devastating news hits me just as I'm about to traverse the Thames.
With bridges now as old as some kind of hat, for goodness' sake, the Emirates Airway ensures that a simple river crossing becomes a Hitchcockian tight-rope of terror, worryingly high above the murky mass of water below.
This most frightening of transports presents exceptional challenges to its passengers.
Boredom is the default condition on public transport.
I'm too terrified to be bored but I do need to ignore my immediate surroundings.
Fortunately, gadgets abound to distract the traveller.
Often, folks thumb about with their phones but we know that it doesn't have the kind of buttons that you need to gain in a hardcore fashion.
Thankfully, the Moga has addressed this potentially crushing situation.
The Moga Ace Power clips around your phone to give you arcade quality controls anywhere, any time, even in this flimsy pod suspended on a ludicrously thin wire.
Cultural heathens have long watched films on their phones but their Yahoo arms get tired from the elevation.
Well, no longer, thanks to the Sospendo, you can now watch a film like the un-cultural machine you are.
Free to gesticulate or threaten other people on the carriage.
But you don't just have to watch.
Its makers assure me it's perfect for video conferencing on the move, or holding a recipe whilst you cook.
But for the ultimate experience of wearing a headset, wear this headset.
If you must watch films, the Sony wearable HD TV headset recreates the sensation of watching a 60ft cinema screen but just millimetres from your eyeballs, and it's got 3D capability and surround sound.
I can game or I can watch a film like, I don't know, Crank.
If you're like me, one of the most heartbreaking things about being on public transport is that you can no longer DJ.
Well, you can now with the Scratch 2 Go, y'all.
It's on an iPad.
These accessories, suction pad on, and I can keep going.
Let's get involved.
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS I mean, what could endear you more to your fellow passengers? MUSIC CONTINUES TO PLAY With my daredevil ride over the river complete, I'm approaching the final two legs of my public transport peregrination, but more horrors await.
In order to leave the urban confines of London, I shall employ the National Rail Network.
If their silver-tongued PR is to be believed, rail travel represents a fast, affordable, efficient method of travelling around the country.
But for me a train means germs, human contact, and inexplicable damp patches on seats.
I've invited Adam Buxton to join me in assessing whether the latest gadgetry can make train travel less invasive, infectious, and a synonym for messy, starting with an I.
Hello, Adam Buxton.
Thank you for doing this.
Yeah, no worries.
I was just NEW YORK ACCENT: looking for Richard.
Well That's like an Al Pacino I'm like Rob Brydon.
That was excellent.
AS PACINO: Looking for Richard.
And you're a train buff I love trains.
hurtling around.
Yeah, Norwich to London.
What a route.
I've got a number of techniques for dealing with the anxiety of train travel.
OK, well, let's examine them.
And record the examination.
Yes, please.
This is my preferred door.
Thank you very much.
Ah, look.
This is what's happened to our great nation.
The seat has been despoiled by crumbs.
Massively despoiled.
This is why I've brought with me the latest Dyson on the market.
This is the future.
Is that nuclear? This spins 110,000 times a minute.
How many cyclones would that be? That's 15.
Whoa! That's too many cyclones.
Look at this.
Whoa! You're sucking the air out of the outside.
I can have a 20-minute cleaning session off a single charge.
Will you put that on my face? Oh.
It's pretty good.
That's nice.
It's everything you want from a mini-Hoover.
Oh! Ah! That is satisfying.
I didn't even have to use the max button on the back.
You might think that it's safe to sit down.
It's not.
'The average commuter sheds between eight and ten pounds of skin a year 'and some of it is right here in this seat.
'A buffet for micro-organisms.
' I'm going to use the UVC Miracle Wand.
What, what, why? Because it's using ultraviolet light with a sufficiently short wavelength to kill micro-organisms.
Now this has a pathogen kill rate of 100%.
Whoa, you're not even going for the 99.
They don't even need to.
They've done third party tests.
I love that.
Let's get involved.
'Moving the wand across the seat an inch above the surface is 'enough to waste fleas, bed bugs and dust mites.
' Now look at this.
I've got a microbe cushion, I think.
It's nice.
Look at this window.
It's a disgrace.
It is.
What are you going to do about it? I'm going to clean it.
How? With a Karcher window vac.
Oh, yeah.
That's what I'm going to do.
Just going to spray here.
I can do up to 45 metres squared to 60 metres squared on a single charge with this puppy.
Look at that.
That's streak-free.
It's a shame about the outside but that's not within my purview.
The inside is my watch.
Hey, I've got a gadget for you.
Lay it on me.
What you do is you get your pillow from your bed.
And you carry it everywhere with you.
This is a game changer, right? Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing? Sorry, mate.
This is what the vac's there for.
That was crazy.
Thank goodness for the Karcher vac.
Now there's no germs whatsoever.
Do it.
You basically look like Jacko from Brush Strokes.
Get involved with the travel hoodie.
What? This is a dedicated bit of technology.
Look at this.
Why do you Put it over your head.
This is inflatable.
Pull it down.
Yeah? Yeah, but What do you mean, "Yeah, but"? There's no buts.
This bit.
The hardness.
You don't need it.
Why are you That's not a good look.
This pillow makes you look crazy.
Does it make me look trampy? You look like a crazy man.
Whereas this I look like Rocky.
Yeah? I look fit.
I would wear this not even leaning against something.
That's how good it looks.
Where's the Dyson? That's the super-hero.
This is who I am.
That's the guy.
I'm ready to vac and rest.
Andand your catchphrase could be, "I suck!" Come on now.
'Refreshed via power-nap using the travel hoodie, 'it's time to turn our attention 'to the problems of working on the move.
' So you use the computer on the train? Sure, all the time.
What about privacy, Adam? It is a problem because I have a lot of incredible ideas, although if people stole from me You're losing millions.
I'm losing potentially millions.
So what I tend to do is I with the pillow Use your crazy man's pillow.
No, this is crazy.
That works.
I'm going to change your life right now.
With La Fonction.
FRENCH ACCENT: La Fonction? Yeah.
This provides privacy, you know, whenever I want to update the UKIP website.
I just take out the laptop.
Am I getting glare? Hell, no.
Am I doing this in private? Hell, yes.
That's something I've dreamed of for a long, long time.
I'm just going to clip this in.
'Next, it's time to speak of the unspeakable.
' Let's talk about beverage spillage.
I mean We've all been there.
We've all been there.
How do you combat beverage spillage? It's not possible, is it? The mighty mug says no.
What? Wow! That's a smart-grip function.
Sure it is.
Yeah? That's double-insulated the wall there.
It's going to keep drinks hot.
It's going to keep them cold, depending on how they go in.
Is it dish-washer safe? Yes, it is.
Whoa! No spill with this.
Bang it in the dishwasher.
I love banging things in the dishwasher.
Who doesn't? It's the best place to get banging.
'Even I cannot deny that the wonderful world of science 'has developed a number of solutions to the problem associated 'with train travel, but I will always feel most at home in a taxi, 'were it not for the fact that it had to be driven by a person.
'But, mindful of my Titanic temper, my technical team have finished 'work on one of the most innovative brain waves I've had all week.
' So this is our ride.
This is our joint.
I've seen one of these before.
This is a fossil powered auto-mobile car, isn't it? This is more than you're giving it credit for.
Really? Come on, where's our guy? Well, I'll tell you where our guy is.
He's not here because I've eliminated the need for a driver.
I've dispensed with that.
We don't have to engage with anyone.
So, what, you're driving? I will not be driving.
I'm driving.
It is driver-less, OK? Check this.
Oh! Hey! Yeah? Ah! This is weird.
You know what? We should have belted in.
'The 50m journey from the station to the drive has 'never been more bearable.
'Technology has eliminated the need for a driver.
'The steering and throttle are electrically controlled.
'The brakes and gears are operated by compressed air.
'Four microprocessors and two control systems mean 'I will never have to be asked about football again.
'It is my vision made real.
' Wow.
Yes, the braking is severe, but, other than that, you are looking at another Gadget Man epoch-defining exclusive.
The door's not automatic? No.
All the automation went into the steering wheel.
Worst day of my life.
Come on.
Next time, Phill Jupitus joins me in testing gadgets that can take the pain out of a great British stay-cation.
What if you've got titbits on there I want to nibble from? This is not an open table.
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