Gadget Man (2012) s03e06 Episode Script

Staying In

1 Hello.
I'm Richard "Duke" Ayoade and I'm about to fling a flock of the latest gadgets right at you.
Unless you're watching a repeat, in which case, just wallow in the nostalgia.
Gadgets, along with irreverent panel shows, are at the forefront of mankind's stout-breasted battle against tedium.
How long did that take? That took seconds.
It's quick.
This week, I, along with two Channel 4 vetted companions, attempt to prove that, with the right gadgets, you'll never need to leave home again.
Sprees of unimaginable violence and totally consequence free.
Zoomer's in trouble.
You can handle it.
You're a beast.
So, in the words of my mouth, let's proceed gadget-ward.
They say going out is the new staying in.
Well, actually no-one says that.
Going out is the opposite of staying in, which is why I won't do it.
So I'm going to definitively prove that it's possible to lead a full and moderately healthy life without exiting the front door.
And I shall do this with the kindly aid of gadgets.
I'll obviously never lack for audio-visual immersion.
In my bedroom alone, I have a Samsung UHD curved TV for a more wrappy-aroundy viewing experience.
And for when I need to project television or video games directly onto my retina, I can flip down the visor of my heck-a-sweet Avegant Glyph.
It does this using a combination of special optics and millions of tiny mirrors, giving the impression of watching an 80 inch screen from eight feet away.
As for sweet music, the joint is jumping with it, courtesy of these AwoX Striimlight Wi-Fi bulbs.
The light bulbs have built-in speakers.
I can stream music to them over Wi-Fi to create an around-the-house music experience by just using lamps.
SEDATE PIANO PIECE PLAYS If I decide that piping music from the light sockets isn't giving me the intensity I crave, I can board the Ovei Pod.
Designed to create a private space to work or relax in busy environments, the pod allows me to focus on what matters.
CAT MEOWS Although I'm being comprehensively entertained, I am feeling the occasional stab of utter loneliness.
Though tempted to counter this with a pet, I am allergic to nearly all life-forms and so I must once more turn to non-organic gadgets like Pleo, the dinosaur.
Pleo has over 100 gears, 14 motors, touch and movement sensors.
It can even hear and respond to sounds.
And I can now replace my real seal with this seal.
Developed at a cost of over Ј8 million, Paro is a Japanese robotic companion that's been shown in clinical trials to reduce stress, depression and anxiety among the elderly, such as myself.
Zoomer is a robot dog with sensors in its chest to detect motion, objects and touch.
Its many tricks include following its owner and even urinating on command.
OK, Zoomer's in trouble.
Not for the first time in my life, I've had to accept that I'm not Dr Doolittle.
Alack, I cannot talk to animals.
If I want conversation, I'm going to have to interact with actual people.
But how do I get actual people to come to me rather than me having to go out to those actual people? DING I've literally just had a notion that I wish to share with my technical support staff.
It's me.
Here's the thing.
I want to stay in but I want elements of going out, ie.
some form of human interaction.
Yeah, I guess you could call that a party.
But it can't end up feeling like I'm out.
Otherwise, I'll have to go out.
Do not fail me.
OK, all the best.
While my technical support staff spring into action, I'm on my way to test an array of gadgets that claim to deliver the benefits of outdoor life without the need to go outside.
To this end, I've come to Comic Con, at London's Excel Centre where I'm meeting comedian Seann Walsh.
Hi, Seann.
How are you? Hello.
Comic Con is the UK's largest comic book and sci-fi convention.
A Mecca for people who are constantly being told that getting out is something they should perhaps sometimes consider.
With its crowds, heat and public toilets, it also typifies all that I hate about leaving the house.
Let's systematically test gadgets.
Welcome to RealFlight 7.
Presumably there have been six before.
They finally nailed it with RealFlight 7.
It's an RC flight simulator.
You can be inside, pretending to be outside, flying a remote control plane.
Engage the thrust.
Let's go.
Up we go.
Up we go.
And so, oh, no Pull up, pull up, pull up.
Ah, just reset it.
Right, OK.
Let's go.
Ah, yes, you're cleared.
Oh, baby! That's right.
That's closer now.
Check it! Oh, that's a shame.
That's a crying shame.
After publically failing to master virtual remote control flight, I thought that Seann might have some aggression issues to deal with.
Look at this.
This is a BowBlade.
A gadget which I have to declare as officially creepy.
Because it's got a little screen on it, which has an over-lay of the world, then you pull the thing back and shoot them like that.
It's not great for the Tube though, is it? You know, like, Angry Birds is more for the Tube.
This will not endear you to fellow passengers, going around like this.
I mean, it's such a hostile game.
My target.
That's a snow yeti from Star Wars Episode V.
That's an out of work actor.
SEANN LAUGHS Content that we've killed everything there is to kill, I wanted to show Seann that even the most outdoor of pursuits can be pursued indoors.
An indoor climbing wall.
Whoo hoo hoo! You don't need to stop rock climbing just cos you're inside.
Just hop on.
And I will responsibly flick the switch down to a reasonable setting.
OK, right.
Depending on your aptitude.
Come on.
Mount up.
Mount 'er up.
Is this two? This is two.
Two is not good television.
I'm going to put you on three.
This feels No.
Come on.
It goes up to nine.
All right, I'm going to This is I'm sorry.
I'm already sweating.
Really? That's pathetic.
I'm going to go on helmet-less.
We're on two.
Remember you laughed at two.
We're on three.
You're a man.
You're a tiger.
Come on.
Be careful.
We're going up to five but you can handle it.
You're a beast.
I know.
Get up there.
Look at that.
And then I dismount.
That was very natural.
Come on.
Tell me, just honestly, you've got one.
I've never been on the tread-wall before.
Let's go.
Right, let's do it.
With Seann still sweating like warm mackerel, I thought I'd treat him to a holiday, staying-in style.
The Oculus Rift allows the wearer to move around a virtual world without the shoe leather.
How does it feel? I don't feel sea-sick which I'm surprised about.
I thought I'd be wanting to vomit right now.
I feel like I've left everything behind me and decided to start a new life.
It's quite It's not refreshing it's depressing.
Are you still there or are you gone? He's He's gone, isn't I'm on my own on a boat in the sea and I'm getting really paranoid.
Despite a mild mental episode for Seann, these gadgets have been a triumphant success.
However, keeping fit and entertained at home is the easy part.
Being inside is all very well and good, but how am I going to pay for my existence? I'm going to have to work to hustle up the Benjamins, which might mean going outside, which would defeat the entire object.
I'm going to have to turn to gadgets to solve this most dire of pickles.
But I won't be alone.
My public panel entirely, accurately represents the full sweep of the nation.
Furthermore, in the past and present.
They've almost all held down jobs for months at a time.
Apart from her.
We're going to test gadgets for the stay-at-home worker.
You may now leave and test the gadgets.
First up are the retiree and skilled manual labourer, ironically, the two people least likely to work from home.
This is called a Trewgrip.
Because you grip hold of it.
You type from the back.
It's kind of like a keyboard on the back.
As you press the relevant button, it shows up on the front.
I'm a bit hard pushed, really, to see the point.
I have the Lavolta laptop table.
There's a fan in the bottom to keep my legs warm and the laptop cool.
But while three of my panel are hard at toil testing gadgets, I can't find the city professional, so the student and I put in a video call.
What have you been doing today? Have you been testing as agreed? I have indeed.
We just wanted to make sure that you weren't doing anything else.
You were just What would you think I'm in my suit, see.
Why do you mention your suit? Because it shows that I'm working hard.
He's just joshing in a good-natured manner.
That suit is in fact a set of Suitjamas.
Comfortable jim-jams disguised as a business suit.
The perfect prop for skiving off.
Even if you are booked in for an important video conference call and should be taking it more seriously.
I think something stinks.
So get tech I think he's put himself offline.
After a frank and non-combative dialogue, the panel have chosen the nation's favourite.
Without any doubt, it would be the Suitjamas.
A gadget I can fully put every ounce of my personal being into.
DINOSAUR ROARS Coming up, David Mitchell helps me test the latest in home gaming.
DAVID LAUGHS You're into 90mph.
I don't like it.
Whilst my technical support staff help me both throw and simultaneously avoid my own gadget house party.
Look at me there, I'm clearly uncomfortable.
I'm on a non-denominational crusade to prove that with the help of gadgets it's possible to lead a healthy and happy life without inserting so much as a digit outside.
Check it! But, with heavy heart, I've vaguely accepted the human need for society, so I'm staging a soiree.
My technical support staff are hacking away to make sure I can host this event whilst avoiding the burden it traditionally entails.
Making the house look boss, serving refreshments and asking people to split once they've outstayed their limited welcome.
The only problem is sourcing guests willing to spend time with me.
Despite my fun-loving persona, I'm not that much of a people person, and, disgrace that it is, I may need gadgets to attract companions.
Waiting in my gadget garage is a man who has casually consented to help me assess a gamut of gaming tech that might make folk flock to my soiree.
Despite his rep, David Mitchell is far from a party animal.
If I can find gadgets that will persuade him to spend time with me, I'll be on the fast lane to Easy Street.
Hello, David Mitchell.
Hello, Richard.
How are you? Very good.
I've resolved to never go out ever again.
Which I just broke by coming into this building which is sort of an annexe.
So you can still get from building to annexe.
But as the agoraphobia Yes.
hems you in further.
A brief dash.
But no more.
I'm trying to entice you to stay here via games.
Do you want to have a look at this table? Yes.
Yes, well, I was just admiring it.
The Strikeworth table.
It's a pool table.
As I can see.
Flip it.
An instant air hockey zone.
Give it a whack.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, look at that.
We came into human contact.
That was actually like ice hockey.
Come on, now.
Now, you've won.
As expected, David is not nearly my equal, but next I have a game in which we can join forces against technology.
Now, David.
This is the Foosbot.
As infoosball.
Based, I think, loosely on the German for football.
Oh, really? So it's an Americanism via Germany, if you can think of anything more evil.
Oh, my goodness.
It's a computerised table football game.
So we play against the computer? We play against the computer.
Now, it's reacting faster than we can think but the servers are slower than the computer.
I see.
Well, 1-0 to humanity.
I have to say, you're pretty good at this.
I much prefer the table variety to the much over-hyped field ball.
After thoroughly trouncing technology on the foosball field, I felt confident David was ready to bring the noise in a warzone.
The computer is actually It's in the desk.
Is it And it's been souped up.
It's running at such velocity and such power that it needs the liquid coolant just to stop it exploding from pride.
It's specially cooled It's specially cooled .
to be especially cool.
The definition of this is so clear, it's as good as being outside.
Can we turn the sound up? Yes.
Then I'll be able to hear the cries of my prey.
GUNSHOTS Ah, there we go.
And this Oh, I didn't know things went black and white when you were nearly dead.
How did they know that? Well, I think they've just taken this direct from Saving Private Ryan.
Just going to shoot randomly at that building.
That's going to bring down property values.
I think what's good for young people to learn is that sprees of unimaginable violence are totally consequence free.
Oh, dear.
Oh, there we go.
Shoot me.
I don't care what side you're on.
This is a very stress Oh.
Who's he? I don't know, but it's Oh, it's gone black and white.
The realism is breathtaking but I can offer you even greater realism over there.
What, even more real than running around with a gun? Even more real than that.
Let's go.
Can I introduce you to the Vesaro Evolve Extreme Pro? Indeed you may.
It has triple O-LED screens.
You can sit in, it will shake around.
It's a simulator.
It's like being in a car but inside.
Well, I can't actually drive a car in real life but, um So, in a way, this is better than real life.
Well, exactly, yeah.
Here we go.
And then bring around slowly.
I think There we go.
Oh, my God, I'm oversteering.
Classic error in Formula One.
Hope there's not going to be suddenly a corner.
All right.
There we go.
Go on.
Goodness me.
You're past the legal speed limit now.
DAVID LAUGHS You're into 90mph.
I don't like it.
Oh, David.
I'm going to change down a bit.
Slow down.
I don't like it.
Oh, gosh, you're in gear six.
I don't like it.
I don't like gear six.
Take it down.
Hang on.
Where's the indicators? Oh, no.
Oh Here we go.
Just bring it to a I'm parked now and I think this is a lovely spot for a picnic.
Here we go.
Well, I've only recently passed my test.
Well, you're ahead of me.
I'm going to floor it.
ENGINE REVS That's a good noise.
Oh, hello.
Look at this.
There, you've done it now.
I imagine that kind of crash, in real life, would have felt even worse than that.
AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: 'Your car has too much damage.
We've got to fix it.
' OK.
All right, Shane.
Well, that's a shame.
David, thank you very much.
You have been invaluable.
I could not have done this without you or someone in a similar vein to you.
Thank you.
I'd like to think I was one of the first five or six choices.
You literally were in the top dozen but the thing is, I'm actually having a soiree tonight.
I was wondering whether you might want to join us.
No, thanks.
I'm I've got a new hair-washing simulator at home I want to try.
I'm going to stay in.
You go to heck.
You go to heck in a handbasket, David Mitchell.
In a handbasket? I barely have time to brood on David Mitchell's savage snubbing before word of my gadget-heavy evening spreads like wild-fire.
Before you can say boo to a goose, up to a dozen actual people have amassed at the gadget house.
And the evening is an astonishing achievement.
The tunes are particularly massive.
With the Beamz, you can pick up or drop beats by moving your hands through four laser beams.
Given my antipathy to chitty chat, I thought it best to provide alcohol as a social lubricant.
The RoBar is a smartphone-controlled robotic drinks maker.
Do you know how it works? Um You're just spilling it.
Sadly, my guests are not robots.
You need to work out how these things work.
Should have asked.
If you prefer wheaty beer, simply slip on a Brain Wave measuring Neuro-Sky headset and concentrate on the beer icon for a hands-free pour.
And there's yet more beverage-related technology.
The V-Tex Compact can cool a can from room temp to five degrees in just 45 secs.
Who are you with at this party? Were you directly invited? Probably.
No, you weren't.
Not directly.
And here are some snacks to soak up the alcohol.
Witness the Snackman.
A motion sensor releases a measured portion of treats from its sealed dome.
Alack, the system is still open to abuse.
Have you been dispensing sweets? Cos you're doing it in quite a disrespectful way.
They are strewn about the place.
Ideally, you'd be doing that with a cup to make sure you can catch it all.
My guests are behaving like a pack of wild, feral animals.
My plan has backfired.
My night in is starting to feel very much like a gruesome night out.
You find me a victim of my own success.
The soiree is a banging hit.
People have no intention of vacating.
In fact, I heard this cat say that he may be here till nine.
I'm about to have a panic attack.
I need to pull the ripcord.
Luckily, I have a get out.
Hello, party types.
All of you.
Hello, revellers.
What you are watching now is a hologram, transmitted from my personal panic room.
My technical support staff have installed a Musion Eyeline system.
Yours to hire for a mere ?40k a pop.
I'm filming myself on a camera and then the images are beamed via a projector onto a bounce screen on the floor.
This image is reflected on a foil screen on the stage, which is angled at 45 degrees and is invisible to the naked eye.
Thus giving the impression of a 3D holographic image.
This is the technology that permitted Tupac and Frank Sinatra to appear at concerts long after their deaths, and allows me to be at my party without the gruesome reality of being there.
In the future, we will all FaceTime in giant 3D.
Do accept my apologies but I simply couldn't stand your company one moment longer.
Don't take this personally.
Thank you all for your attendance.
Please be sure to be out of the door by nine at the latest and don't take anything that doesn't belong to you.
My security staff are prone to unmotivated bursts of savagery.
All the best for your future endeavours.
Thanks to technology, I'm once again free to enjoy my gadgets as science would wish.
At home on my tod.
I started this wild ride by asking if it were possible to stay in, yet lead a full and satisfying life.
Well, the answer is yup.
I have proved that with the aid of gadgets, I can be entertained, keep pets, remain in peak physical condition and, crucially, avoid house guests.
It's been another glorious night in a lifelong tale of triumph.
Next time, the awesome power of the gadget is unleashed on the world of food.
If I was a woman on a romantic date with you, I would be feeling very aroused by now.

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