Gadget Man (2012) s03e09 Episode Script
Guide to Christmas
1 They call me Richard Ayoade and as well as being a distilled blast of Yuletide fun, I am now the full legal owner of yet another in a lifelong series of Christmas trees.
With just a scattering of gadgetry, I've harvested this optimum specimen which I can now transport to my crib like a boss.
Let the wild Xmas-based rumpus begin.
'And begin it must, because tonight, 'with the aide of companions both qualified' You look like the man from Milk Tray.
'.
.
unqualified 'but crucially available' In a way, this is the spirit of Christmas right here.
'.
.
I will show how the perils, prangs and probs' Whoa! What? '.
.
that may impede your Christmas cheer can be crushed 'with just a few choice gadgets.
' Wow! What a rush.
Hang up before this becomes a story on the Daily Mail.
Hang on! Wow.
There we go.
I applaud you, Richard Ayoade.
As if it were an almost annual occurrence, Christmas is upon us once more and although my tough-guy persona might suggest otherwise, I'm very much pro-Yule.
What I'm definitely con, vis-a-vis said Yule, is the epic wave of faff that I must rebuff during the festive build-up.
Already-insane activities such as shopping and entertaining are made even more unbearable by a seasonal hysteria that can severely test a brother's capacity for goodwill.
As I shall demonstrate during this perhaps overlong television broadcast, there is no aspect of Christmas that technology cannot improve wildly, starting with the decoration of my personal premises.
Chestnuts roasting on an open fire Nat "King" Cole would rigorously reject any Christmas chestnut not roasted on one, but open fires have just been sent back to the Stone Age, where they belong, by this wi-fi connected bio-ethanol fireplace.
Not only is this is this fire smokeless and odourless, it burns only bio-ethanol vapours, plus I can also adjust the flame size and burning time over wi-fi using my smartphone, which, even if you are using a third-generation industrial manservant like Baxter to roast your chestnuts, makes it that little bit easier.
But how the rudd can I place a star atop the tree without risking my physical integrity by balancing precariously on an unsuitable item of furniture? By reaping the full rewards of the recent advances in drone technology, that's how.
MUSIC: Flight of the Bumblebee by Rimsky-Korsakov Check my Multicopter Hexatron.
Small enough to fly indoors, it's quieter than a helicopter and its six-axis gyro makes it perfect for the carrying and positioning of decorative tat.
How was life even possible before? Would that I could just stay here and enjoy the majesty.
Alack, I cannot.
Sources close to me tell me there is considerable seasonal pressure to buy gifts for others - in other words, I must go Christmas shopping.
Sadly, this is one activity that cannot always be accomplished over the internet.
It seems some workshy companies won't even deliver on Christmas Day.
So overwhelmed am I by the demands of Yule that I need someone with an unfathomable commitment to positivity for backup.
'It's broadcasting's own gift to the nation, Jonathan Ross.
' That is such an ostentatious lean.
Well, I was waiting for my date.
Well, I'm here.
Thank you for joining me.
My pleasure.
Happy Christmas.
Happy Christmas to you.
In advance.
How do you find the Christmas experience? I love it! You're an enthusiast.
I like the idea of gathering the gifts, I like the moment when I can give them to people Sure.
But being in shops sometimes can be a pain.
It's crowded, it's hot, you don't know what to buy, you have to queue up at the till.
I don't enjoy that, no-one does.
Well, you can rest at ease because I've got an app called London Crowd.
I press on the cameras and I can see a live feed of what kind of human congestion there is.
Here's the thing.
Go on.
By the time we've got over there, it may have changed.
That's why you'd have to keep the app open and look at it, rather than engage with your surroundings.
If you get halfway there and see it gets more crowded, what do you do - turn back? Turn back.
OK, it's comparatively useless, really.
For my needs, no.
You shut your stinking mouth.
This is the most valuable step forward since the wheel.
'But if we do get caught out 'and end up in a stormy swirl of Christmas shoppers' You need a sports periscope.
'With adjustable magnification, 'allowing you to see over the heaving crowd, there's no way 'we can lose each other now.
' Oh, well, that's crystal clear there(!) I'm getting to the stage where I could do with these to read the instructions on pill packets.
That you keep very high up? Could I try both? Now I've got it in stereo, that's pretty good.
That's good? 'But how will we get to our chosen shopping destination? 'With the Navigate Jacket, that's how.
' And look at this - I can also now look like I'm in Coldplay.
Wow.
So, if I press this, it will tell you to turn right? Yeah.
'Seamlessly integrating technology 'with the latest fashion, it will guide you to your destination.
' Oh, now left? 'Using a system of built-in LEDS and vibration motors, 'producing a wearable GPS system.
' No, back, come OK, right Do you realise these have no functionality? This is part of the design.
Well, that's the look I associate with you.
I'm going to return this to Chris Martin.
I think you should.
Shall we wander off to a major department store? Let's do some shopping.
Yeah.
Let's do some Christmas shopping.
'For those whose wallets brim with coin, 'a strategy to avoid the tiresome decision-making 'is to get someone else to do the shopping for you.
'With that in mind, we have an appointment with our personal 'retail consultant for the day, 'Stuart, the head of technology at the shop at which he works.
' I feel under-dressed! Ah, the smell of wealth! 'Sensing blood, Stuart leads us straight to the Vertu Aster, 'a luxury mobile that can be clad in calf leather, snake or ostrich.
'It also comes with a 24-hour concierge service 'to facilitate your every request' 'Please note that your call may be monitored.
' They're monitoring our call.
'A lifestyle manager will be with you shortly.
' BOTH: A lifestyle manager?! Don't you feel better about yourself already? I mean, I I feel like I've arrived.
HE CLEARS HIS THROA I feel Sorry.
Lower the Ah! 'Welcome to Vertu Concierge.
How may I assist?' Hello, is that my lifestyle manager? 'Yes, this is.
Is this Mr Ross?' It is! How are you doing? She knows who I am from lifestyle managing! Don't let this call escalate.
You know what happened last time.
So, if we wanted to go skiing together, hot-tubbing, a holiday, you could help us arrange that? I don't want to do any of those things.
I'd like to take him somewhere where quite rough men hang out.
Like the park? 'Any particular country where you'd like this to be in?' Any particular country? Kazakhstan! I want to send Richard to hang out with some rough men in a sauna in Kazakhstan.
'In Kazakhstan?' Yes.
'That is certainly doable.
I will have a look into that one for you.
' Have you had, like, a mental embolism? You are the one person in the world who should not have access to a concierge.
I think we're going to have Hang up! .
.
quite the meaningful relationship.
Hang up.
Hang up.
Hang up before this becomes a story on the Daily Mail.
'Sorry?' Hang up the phone.
'Next on the Christmas fun list, 'we're ushered to the relative safety of the toy department, 'where Stuart ill-advisedly lets me test-drive the electric Razor Cart.
' Whoa, whoa, whoa! Argh! Stop it! Come on now, come on.
'Whilst Jonathan cruises in the Power Rider 360.
' You just look like you're about to go into a proctology examination at speed.
At my age, you almost always ARE just about to go into a proctology examination.
That's one of the most disturbing sights I've ever seen in my life.
'With karting conquered, we take it up a click.
'The Electric Atom Car does a bracing 15mph.
'With a candy colour paint spray option, 'you can also brighten up the black leather interior 'with your own colour choice of stitchwork.
' It starts off at Ð40,000.
What the what?! Ð40,000? Fully customisable.
Why wouldn't you just get an actual car? It's for children.
It's for children? That's why it's Ð40,000! And do you get, like, a rehab programme with the car? Ow! Ow! Why would you do that to another person? Oh, hello.
Ohh! What if I dink it? Whoa! Hello! We just lost a mirror.
I clipped it.
I clipped it.
Back it up.
I think that's it.
Oh, hello.
Yes! Oh.
Hang on.
I'm going to hit this again.
No Ow! Never has the phrase "Keep your arms and feet inside the vehicle" been more appropriate.
Unfortunately, that would be Ð1,000.
Would it? Great.
I Oh, crumbs! You've actually smashed it.
It's actually broken.
You can just, um, superglue it? No, it's actually broken.
Why did we own up to that? I have a massive fear of authority, so I'm already planning my escape.
I'm actually going to floor it now.
I'll just get out of here.
He's even standing like a police officer.
I'm getting out of here.
'Our foray into luxury goods already the stuff of legend, 'we must now enter the retail battlefield of the high street 'in search of cheaper gifts.
'But how can we prevent ambush from enemy shoppers?' That's why I've hooked us up with this.
It's the Northrop Grumman F6B.
What does it do? Bomb disposal.
¤250,000 of the latest military-spec robotic hardware, so we don't have to go through the inhumane activity of talking to people whilst purchasing soap.
In a way, this is the spirit of Christmas right here.
It is.
I feel this is what that moment in Bethlehem was about.
Let's hop in the security van.
Let's do it.
OK, shall we engage the droid? Let's do it.
Let's fire her up.
It doesn't like being defined by gender roles.
Surely this is the future of shopping - the retail experience made bearable from the comfort of your own tactical command centre.
More used to navigating hazardous terrain behind enemy lines, its articulated tracks can handle an angle of up to 45 degrees to perfectly navigate the steps up to a world of heavily scented cleansing goods.
There's something there saying "handmade", which obviously means its been done lovingly.
That's attracted you? It has.
Is it wise to go for the bottom one? The bottom one looks If you think you can pull that out, good luck to you, cos I think you've got the skills To pay those bills.
Let's see if you can pay those bills.
OK.
Gently Engage Gently.
.
.
and withdraw.
Oh, OK.
But someone else will deal with that.
That was smooth.
We're going straight to the till.
Let's get on the intercom.
'Hello, Madam.
I've come from the future to buy this gift.
' How are we going to pay? I'll tell you how we're going to pay.
She's going to scan the payment band.
Whose credit card is that linked to? David Icke's.
That makes sense.
It's David Icke's.
Hey, I've got one! Go on.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER IMPRESSION: I'll be back! Kermit's calling her? No, that's THROATY GURGLE It's Arnold Schwarzenegger! "I'll be back!" You sound like you're drowning in custard.
"I'll be back!" It's Arnold Schwarzenegger.
That's the emperor dying.
'Luckily our bath bomb is safely despatched before it's detonated.
' There it is.
There it is.
That's been a triumph.
Although I felt a curious sense of disconnect.
I wasn't in the shop.
I didn't get to engage with a fellow human being and I missed that.
I missed that.
Right, you see, that's what I was after, the disconnect.
I missed it.
Right, well, what I'm asking you to do now is to give a detailed summary of praise of how I've done today.
I didn't enjoy spending time with you today.
Thank you.
I'll be honest.
I take that as a compliment.
You are quite an irritating person anyway, and I know you've heard that before.
Yes.
But also, you're cold Yes.
.
.
and you are cynical Yes.
'As Jonathan continued to lavish praise on me, 'my thoughts turned to festive achievements still to come.
'Such as a series of gadgets to protect you, 'should you be foolish enough to venture outside.
' Let's de-probe and just enjoy it.
Welcome.
I am approximately 25% of the way through an award-winning examination of how gadgets can be used to turn Christmas chore to cheer.
So far, Christmas shopping has been investigated I've come from the future to buy this gift.
.
.
and all the problems relating to it, conquered.
Christmas, the pop charts tell us, is the season to be "jolly".
But how jolly can you be when you're forced to go to an uncovered market in winter? Let's find out the answer to that leading question now.
Check out this representative Christmas market, thronging with people pretending not to be depressed.
Little do they realise the grievous danger they're in.
Has that wine been adequately mulled? How much sausage can you test before you're asked to move to another stall? Do the handmade Bavarian crafts comply with EU safety standards? Lest I be quagmired with these questions, I have arranged to meet a man whose sombre expression speaks of a level-headed and ultimately humane approach to the festive season.
It's a wise man from the East, Lincolnshire's finest, Robert Webb.
Wow, yeah? Hi.
What better way to celebrate Jesus' birth than this? I think so.
What do you like about Christmas? Having a tree on the inside of your house.
That's crazy.
And putting all the shiny stuff on.
Yeah.
And also, buying presents for people that I like.
Gift exchange.
And even presents for people I don't like.
Generic soap.
Yeah, generic soap, yeah.
Candles.
That's what my wife'll get.
The most insulting gift of all.
I got one of my brothers a DVD of Live Aid.
Wow.
Like a whole three-hour thing.
What had he done to you? He opened it and he made no effort to disguise his disappointment and hurt.
Well, I'm going to take you round this Winter Wonderland, which seems like it's going to be charming, but I actually feel it's a carnival of death here.
Oh.
With danger lurking, which we're going to repel with gadgetry.
Excellent.
So let's try and enjoy it.
Let's.
Nothing says traditional English Christmas like a begrudging visit to the bratwurst stand.
Well, we've got our bratwurst, but how in Hades are we going to eat them? It's impossible.
I don't know.
It's just, there's no way.
We'd have to sit on a rock.
Well, we can't.
What we have is the napkin table.
Check it out, y'all.
I pin this round me like a napkin.
Yes.
I'll take those, thank you.
You take those.
And then I do the same.
It's to encourage dining "a deux".
Is this for couples who are splitting up? Yeah.
So look, there's your bratwurst.
Thank you.
There's my bratwurst hang on, go back.
Yes, we need to That's great.
And now we can gesticulate.
It's practical, it's stylish, it's hands-free.
But also, you can stay there and I can just circle you We've lost a bratwurst.
OK.
We have lost a bratwurst.
It wasn't designed for that.
That's OK.
Well, because it's so intimate, we can share.
OK.
Well, I'm probably going to dive in now.
Whoa! What?! This could be unsafe.
We're in an unregistered carnival atmosphere.
Someone might have been so high off mulled wine fumes that they've stopped cooking it.
I don't even know what that's made of.
OK, well, welcome to the iGrill2's world.
I'm going to check how hot this is.
With the iGrill2? It's got two pro meat probes.
This is what professionals use to probe meat.
One here, one here.
140 was the read-out I wanted.
I've got 142.
I'm over the moon.
Let's de-probe and just enjoy it.
How is it? It's just right.
Yup? Yeah.
Just safe enough.
Just safe enough.
Yeah, well, that's all you need.
Shall we go off and explore the fair? I think we should, yeah.
OK.
Shall I back up? Um OK.
I'll back up, I'll back up.
Keep the tension, keep the tension, keep the tension.
Back it up, back it up Our sausage heavy within us, we quickly source a cup of moderately heated wine to dispel the taste.
Served in a ToastyMUG handmade by Italian craftsmen in the ceramic district of Montelupo, it boasts an all-enveloping handle, keeping your whole hand murderously hot.
See, the trouble with your conventional mugs is that they don't even try to warm the outside of your fingers, which is something I never realised they were failing to do.
Yes, it's all this.
There's a strange comfort to be had.
It's like one of those big slippers that you put both your feet in.
Yes, it's like a china muff.
A china muff.
Let's, erm Merry Christmas.
Let's see if this is as sharp as it smells.
Mmm.
Well, I've reached my limit, so I'm going to check now whether I am hopelessly inebriated with this, the Alcohoot.
The Alcohoot.
Because alcohol is a hoot.
I will plug this into the headphone jack of my smartphone Yes.
.
.
and I'll blow into here and it will tell me If you're over the limit, it stops you sending text messages or e-mails.
Yes, it immediately bans you from Twitter.
That was a good one.
Oh, it's calculating.
Right.
I am .
009 BAC.
I might begin to feel moderate effects.
That sip's hit me hard.
Yeah, harder than I thought.
Yeah.
I don't want to wrench you away from this acrid wine, but would you like to sing some carols? Oh, yes, please.
OK.
# Jingle bells, jingle bells # Jingle all the way # O what fun it is to ride In a one-horse open sleigh.
APPLAUSE Beautiful.
That is tight.
That was white hot.
What are we going to do in terms of our choir game? I'm not sure if we can do anything.
Singtrix, yeah? Oh! This is pro-level choir singing.
This will AutoTune, it'll add effects, it's on an Xmas carol.
"Xmas carols".
I can read that.
And so there's a reverb.
VOICE ECHOES: You can also go up to Latin Groove "Latin Groove.
" Sounds quite similar.
ECHOES HEAVILY: Erm, or "Asian Tradition", so the entire continent of Asia represented by a bit more echo.
What shall we sing? Well, I don't know.
What about Little Drummer Boy? Little Drummer Boy? Do you want to be Bing? Or Bowie? Oh, you probably want to be Bowie, don't you? I'd like to be Bowie.
# Come, they told me Pa-rum-pum-pum-pum-pum BOTH: # A newborn king to see Pa-rum-pum-pum-pum-pum # Our finest gifts we bring # Pa-rum-pum-pum-pum-pum # Rum-pa-pum-pum-pum, Rum-pa-pum-pum-pum # Peace on earth, how could it be? # Pa-rum-pum-pum-pum-pum # For the child that you could be Pa-rum-pum-pum-pum-pum I bring 'As Robert's demonic possession by the ghost of Bing Crosby 'takes its final fatal grip, 'I am forced to exit stage left.
' .
.
Pum-pum-pum Out! I'm out! Frankly, I need to decompress from this not-so-wonderful land and sleep off my two potent sips of mulled wine.
Back at Gadget Towers, I have another heavy burden on my all-too-full back and shoulders.
Namely, decorating the outside of my crib.
If your hood is anything like mine, you need to get your gaff up to maxi-Christmassy outside light level or risk serious dissing from your brethren.
And yet I completely lack the will to do it myself.
Hi, yeah, it's me, Richard.
Richard Ayoade, yeah.
Season's greetings to you.
No, nothing much has happened.
No, it's all right.
I will tell you.
I want to decorate the house entirely, but I'm finding it so boring, I cannot be bothered.
Could you do it? Ideally this year, yeah.
OK, bye.
He hung up halfway through.
Coming up: Snow, fog, and early nights.
If only we had devices Winter perils set to be vanquished by the fierce fist of Gadget.
Ah.
That's a pleasure! I am now halfway through a world-class investigation, into how the many crises of Christmas can be averted by the simple application of gadgetry.
# Pa rum pum pum pum.
But before I can close the door on the world and enjoy Christmas alone in my gadget kingdom, there's another seasonal hurdle which threatened, in a way that's real, to put a dampener on my festive fun.
If you believe in the power of dreams like me and Carl Jung, then dreaming of a white Christmas is seven shades of silly.
The triple terrors of snow, fog, getting dark pretty early, are a mini-series of miseries I have no intention to watch as a box set, if you haven't already drifted out of this convoluted metaphor.
I need to be ready for anything winter throws at me.
Tamworth Snowdome is the largest indoor snow facility in Tamworth.
Often, it's too rammed with people sledging and skiing for pleasure to be able to conduct vital research into the best gadgets for surviving the Christmas cold spell, but I'm going to redress this imbalance with the help of comedy writer and actor, Reece Shearsmith, a man who's for all seasons, but who expresses a distinct preference for winter.
Reece.
One of the things that gets my personal goat about winter is that it gets in the way of my skateboarding game.
Yeah, I've heard this about you.
It's a nightmare.
Luckily, I'm going to start rocking one of these.
It's a Rockboard Descender.
Is that what it is? It's like a tank mixed with a skateboard.
I've got this one which is the ski The Snow Glyder.
Snow Glyder.
I'm not so convinced about the word, Glyder.
I can barely walk on the snow, never mind go on a Glyder.
Yeah, no, I, despite appearances, I'm not at home on crystalline ice.
Right, well, we'll see, won't we? Yeah, let's see who emerges with the most dignity.
Right, OK.
Right, here we go.
Go.
Really good.
Really good.
Wow! We both know who looked cooler.
You see that? You looked like the man from Milk Tray.
Thank you, yeah.
It was elegant, controlled and quite animalistically erotic.
Right.
Whereas I slid down a slope on my arse.
But I know I can and will make traversing the treacherous slopes of Peckham look as effortless as Santa sliding down a heating duct.
A ski bike conversion kit turns your BMX or mountain bike into an alpine adventure, allowing you to get back in plenty of time for Love Actually.
All you have to do to your bike is remove the wheels, chain, gears, brakes And put on a ski.
And it's just like being on a bike.
Yeah.
But with none of the safety aspects.
Yep.
Let's go.
OK, let's go, let's go.
Descend.
Ready? OK.
Weh-hey.
Hello, it's a bit lively.
This is lively.
Ooh.
Wow, what a rush.
Reece Yeah.
How often will you be using this, is my question? All the time now.
Yeah? Yeah.
It's quite literally, it's like riding a bike.
Totally safe, you've got a bell.
Yes.
That's my favourite feature.
But bells won't help where we're going.
An ungoverned corner of the snow dome to face an avalanche of Yuletide business.
You've come prepared, I see.
I have.
I set off with these on, yeah, they're apologetically called, the Smallfoot.
The Smallfoot.
Yeah.
I don't know if you can notice them.
You look so elegant in your walk.
It's quite discreet.
It looks great.
I haven't quite realised what they're for.
Deep snow.
For walking on deep snow? For walking on deep snow, so you don't sink down.
Right.
So, what is it that you most like about winter? The lack of UV? It's dark at night for me to be able to move without being seen.
Right, allows you to stalk without fear of recrimination.
Absolutely, yeah, and I wear my top hat and take my bag of knives Good.
.
.
into the fog.
That's nice.
So, I'd much rather be wearing these than trudging round in the freezing cold.
I, however, favour trudging in the Yaktrax.
They grip the ice like mini tyre chains to afford you smooth passage in temperatures as low as -41 degrees F, as well as in more artificial conditions.
But, sometimes, shoes aren't enough.
Now, Reece, a blizzard has just started up.
I know, yeah.
It's frightening me.
I think we've got to get out of this.
It's very realistic, I'd love to go over there.
I can't because our path is blocked by this naturally occurring snow formation.
Yeah, this all fell in one clump.
There's literally no way through.
I mean, it's such bad luck.
If only we had devices.
Sweet Hosanna, we do.
The Snow Wolf, so called because of its resemblance to a wolf is a whole three times faster than ordinary shovels.
Wow.
And the electric snow shovel comes complete with telescopic handle, to encourage good snow clearing posture.
My problem with the Snow Wolf is what you do with the snow once You do that? Yes.
Where do you put it? To the side? Can you tilt it? No.
Can you tilt it off? No, can't tilt it off.
Oh, that's a shame.
Well, the good thing about the Stiga Electric Snowshovel is that the snow flies so far away From you It becomes someone else's problem.
Yeah.
Ah, that's a pleasure.
Cold winter nights often contain what's long been a misty foe to John Carpenter, I'm talking fog.
Good gravy, that fog came in fast.
Where did this come from? As if out of nowhere.
Yeah.
Fortunately, I'm prepared for this, as well.
The Noxgear Tracer360 is a visibility vest with flexible and durable fibre optics perfectly calibrated for maximum brightness, to help you get to your Christmas gatherings in safety.
Of all the things that we've experienced together Yes.
And we have experienced many things together.
A lot.
I think, this is one of the most exciting.
Also, with the fog being as intense as it's just suddenly got Yeah.
How are we going to take pictures? How are we going to see things? Right, how? With a thermal imaging camera attachment.
What?! Look at this.
Wow.
Snapping easily on to your phone, its two cameras in one give unprecedented detail to a thermal reading, allowing you to virtually rewire your own senses and see heat.
Your teeth are cold or hot, I can't tell which.
Yeah, they're a different temperature to my face.
They are, that's what I'm saying, yes, and your nose is.
As a device, that's quite something.
I'd quite like to have one of those.
Yes.
Do we know how much they are? I don't know exactly how much this is, but what I'm going to do is, I'm going to tell you in voice over.
'It retails at ?260, Reece.
' Bit rich for my blood.
Yeah, yeah, can't afford that.
If this weather keeps getting worse, we're going to have to It seems to be.
We're going to have to take shelter.
Look at this.
And we're doing it in the Lifesystems two-person Survival Shelter.
A waterproof sheath for you and what will now be a close friend to sit in fear-tinged comfort in your own low-cost microclimate.
Right, I think they could've provided a secondary window.
If it's two-man, there should be two windows.
I know, I want to look out my own window.
But it's not fair, I want to.
And then we just Do we wait for help? No-one's coming to help.
We just stay here? We just die underneath this tangerine dream.
In an orange environment.
But we can look out, although it's fogging up, weirdly.
Yeah, I know, it's like your glasses.
It's a nightmare, I mean this is what I live with day in, day out.
Is there a helpline? No.
Let's do it.
The first victory against fog is ours.
Thank God we've cleared the snowdrift.
Yeah, oh! Do it, do it.
Seasonal weather successfully rebuffed, I continue to contain the excesses of Christmas.
Except, perhaps, for the problem of what is the must locate, purchase and hand over to children gadget of the season? To answer that question, here's a group of men and women who have been specifically chosen for their childishness.
Together, they comprise what is referred to on their contract as my public panel.
As you know by now, you represent the nation and the nation has one question, which is what do we buy our collective children for Christmas? The burden is heavy.
I know you will take it up.
Ideal for the offspring of City professionals and students, artificially intelligent Anki Drive racing cars are controlled via app, putting you in the driving seat of a real life video game.
Oh, you think he just hit me with it.
Oh, don't do it, don't do it! Part race track, part combat zone, you can win points to upgrade your car's weapons and capabilities.
Oh, you just immobilised me again.
I took second place.
Rematch! Do you like Christmas? What is not to like about Christmas? The EmoteBot is the world's first natural talking teddy.
What would you like for Christmas? It's not possible to speak in hypothetical terms.
It's stuffed with the power of the internet to answer your child's burning questions like Can you sing songs? Daisy, daisy, give me your answer do, I am half crazy all for the love of you.
That is so cute! So, no it can't, but it does use software that mimics basic human emotion for a more realistic conversation experience.
Well, this is a natural scene.
How are you finding the interaction there? It's good because it learns Why is it mouthing now? What is it saying? Is it muttering? BEAR MUMBLES You've got to stop interrupting.
It's very rude.
It You're rude, you're rude.
The much more polite MiP robot is controlled by hand gestures or a smartphone, features seven exciting game modes and has the ability to memorise up to 50 directions in sequence.
It can carry its own body weight or a piece of fruit of your choice, and somewhat worryingly, makes a sad noise when it falls over.
ROBOT: Ah! I love the sounds.
Um, hours of fun, definitely, if only for Christmas Day.
Thank you once again for your rigour.
It has been without cease.
You've tested the gadgets within an inch of their collective lives.
Which, though, was the best? The Anki Drive.
The Anki Drive.
Thank the Lord for that.
The Anki Drive is the gadget that has triumphed, this Christmas.
Coming up, I test a gadget-led approach to the festive season's key eating-based event - Christmas dinner.
71 Degrees C, that's a good test.
And my technical support staff responds to my demand for a faff-free decoration of the Gadget house.
Check it.
What a rush! 'We are fast approaching the nail-biting climax.
.
' Keep the tension, keep the tension 'to my forensic examination of Noddy Holder's favourite holiday.
' I feel this is what that moment in Bethlehem was about.
'But no guide to Christmas would be complete without tackling 'the most stressful element of the big day itself.
' The preparation of Christmas dinner is a logistical and emotional challenge that no-one has yet circumnavigated with even rudimentary dignity but, with the aid of gadgets, I'm going to get my Chrissy shiz right tight.
Thanks to gadgets I can get the whole darn mess on the table within an hour.
Forego the need for a laborious peeler with tater mitts, cutting your peeling time to just eight seconds a spud.
Also doubles as potato-based percussion.
RUSTLING But I crave something different, something more static, something more vertical, and the upright carrot peeler sates this pang.
A tad pricey, sure, but it will save several minutes of time, which you can you use to work out how to pay for it.
It creates little to no mess.
Batoning my carrots free-hand has always been a waking nightmare, until now.
And any plant-based debris can be deposited into the Food Cycler CS-10.
Three hours later, we're talking compost.
This happens every Christmas, the lack of oven capacity drives me to distraction.
But sweet mercy has provided me with the Webber E670, which comes with a sear station and 769 square inches of cooking area.
Let me tell you, friends, this can handle a whole heap of meat.
There are still a few hurdles that even the possessor of a Michelin star would struggle to straddle sans gadget.
Instant gravy can be unregulated gloop of anguish but the Whizzy Whisk gets you into a splash-free zone.
My kitchen campaign is nearly ended, save the near-ritualistic opening of the thoroughly-lidded cranberry sauce jar.
It's so compact.
DOORBELL RINGS Joining me are Jessica Hynes, Adam Hills and Stephen Merchant.
It's Jessica, Stephen and Adam.
Good, yeah.
'Specially selected to fragment into a facsimile of familial tension 'and discord so I can test my dining gadgets under combat conditions.
' Thank you for having us.
Baxter's going to take your coat.
Hey, Baxter.
Thank you for coming in height order, as requested.
I have to manually close this, which I'm furious about.
Thank you.
Oh, lovely.
Thank you for coming.
Do you like Christmas? I've never liked it, and then I came here.
You've never Right.
And suddenly I'm like, "This is what I've been missing.
" I love Christmas.
Of course you do.
Of course.
You love everything.
You're just positive.
I can't relate to you.
Stephen? I've always liked Christmas, Richard, but I've always felt that I was lifting too many fingers, I was having to take things out of ovens, I was having to open my own gifts, I was having to eat my own food.
I've always felt that Christmas would be somehow better With other people? .
.
if technology and gadgets could somehow help me in the enjoyment of it.
Well, your desire, long thwarted, mercifully intersects with this programme's brief.
Wow! And we're going to start with this piece of business, the Jetchill.
'Removing the need for ice cubes with their stupid habit 'of melting all over your drink, this customer chills glasses 'instantly with CO2, creating powdered dry ice.
' And it's quick! Well, that's what's great, it's only about three times longer than getting ice cubes from the fridge.
Yeah, I mean, you never get that time back.
Now, have a look at this.
Wow! That's OK, I'm sold.
This is tremendous.
Happy Christmas.
BREATHLESS: Wow, that is chilled.
Yeah, that's chilled, all right! You've chilled the heck out of that! This sherry was very competitively priced, that's what I'm going to tell you.
So, obviously, we need to document this occasion, otherwise how will we remember it? I barely remember now.
The experience won't become real.
After inhaling alcohol I don't think we're going to remember much of the last 20 minutes 'Modernity decrees that I must document the moment with 'what's ambiguously called a "selfie".
'But, to avoid the strain of sustained arm stretch, 'I'm using a ClickStick 'attached to my smartphone.
' We're taking it on, modern technology, we now need to pretend it looks old, that's the next stage.
Look at this, the Impossible Instant Lab.
Watch, it extends.
'It can transform a digital image on your phone into an analogue, 'almost instant, real-life photograph! 'We've gone forwards and backwards at the same time!' Pow! Wow, this is great, yup.
And then, ten minutes later, that will have developed.
Can I take a picture of the picture that you've taken? It keeps going, like Escher.
And then text that to me.
I'll text that to you.
Great.
Oh, it's now drained of colour, look at that.
Oh, that's fantastic.
That's ideal.
That's just like a Polaroid.
Can I keep that? That is yours to keep.
Thank you.
Well, your faces tell me that you have been blown away but prepare for even more excitement as I make good on my promise to feed you.
Let's dine now, in a Yule-type way.
After you.
Thank you.
I'm going to take that one.
Right, this is where we dine.
How pumped are you? Alarm bells for me cos there's only two chairs.
That's a very small table though, Richard.
Stephen, don't doubt me and neither you - especially you.
Look at this.
Oh, amazing.
What?! That is good.
Yeah? It's now slightly bigger.
Yeah? All right? Two chairs indeed! Oh! Incredible.
That's right.
But now there's only three.
Surprise, surprise What?! Wow, I have to say, I'm genuinely impressed by this.
Well, why don't we sit down on these potentially uncomfortable seats? 'Only the addition of food and drink 'can make this feel any more like a Christmas dinner.
' Here we go.
Oh, wow, and there's more.
Sorry it took four hours.
But look at this.
Wow.
That's a great job.
I'm going to carve this with these bear paws.
What?! Yeah, that's right.
Hugh Jackman gave me these, all right? Look at this.
Oh, my goodness.
You're only one step away from using your hands to tear it apart.
'With vital seconds recouped, I can now dish up 'using the Thermo Grill Tongs 'which allow me to accurately announce meat temperature.
' Oh, 71 degrees C - that's a good temp.
That's a good temp for a turkey.
But, look, I mean, the whole thing's shredded.
'To avoid the problem of seasonal overstuffing, 'I've equipped my guests with a Smart Fork 'using Slow Control technology to track each mouthful 'and vibrate when you are eating too quickly.
' BUZZING It buzzed.
It buzzed? It buzzed? It buzzed.
It buzzed as a warning.
Next time, it'll take your head clean off.
So, now, what have you got here? This is an app which will count down the ten seconds between fork servings.
8, 7 Hold off 5, 4 No, hold off 3, 2, 1 Just enjoy yourself.
Enjoy it now, savour the food.
Chew.
10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 Clear.
10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3 Wait .
.
2, 1.
Clear.
This is the true meaning of Christmas.
Yeah.
Adam, Jessica, more turkey? No, no, no, I need to shield myself.
Here we go.
I have bought you presents.
I haven't wrapped them because I've got the Giftwrap 3000.
I'm going to hit start.
I'm just going to rock over here and collect the goods.
It's the personalised nature of it that I like.
It makes you feel special.
It does, doesn't it? Nothing says 'love and care' than hot off the roller.
LAUGHTER Now, there you go.
Thank you.
There you go.
Thank you.
And there you go.
How do you know which one's which? I guessed.
OK.
That's lovely, some black socks.
A man always needs some socks.
Not just black socks.
Smarter Socks.
'When sock pairing goes wrong, as it so often does, 'a unique identification chip, sock sorter and app 'work in harmony to regather your socks electronically.
Well, thank you, I appreciate that.
It's very useful cos I'm constantly confusing my identical black socks with each other.
Yes, you're more than welcome.
And that's yours for the duration of the recording of this show.
Great! Adam.
Wireless Armour boxer shorts.
Because my broadband boxer shorts were really becoming a pain to drag around Now, what I'm saying with this is that, are you concerned about the radiation from your mobile phone or laptop damaging the potency of your testes? Very much so.
Well, this has a silver mesh that creates a Faraday shield that will rebuff that.
So, I can sit on the couch in my underpants with my laptop, working away Yes.
.
.
and not irradiate.
You can cover yourself in BlackBerrys.
What I will add is that these have not been tested.
Jessica.
Richard, thank you so much.
I feel bad that I didn't get you anything.
Well, it has been noted.
Oh What is it? I do? Yes.
It's a ring.
It's the Kovert Smart Ring.
'Which links to your phone and vibrates when you miss a call, 'text or e-mail, keeping you notified without the social 'hari-kari of having to delve into your handbag.
' Cos one of the things I don't want to do when I'm in a social situation is kind of relax and be there.
No.
There's a part of me, a little part of me that wants to stay on red alert and plug in to social media.
And I'm going to ask you to do something for me now.
Try and imagine life without that now.
I can't imagine You can't do it.
Now, we've had a blast eating together but there's more to come.
I want to show you something outside that's going to please you immensely.
Can I take my pants? Please do.
I'll just get my phone.
But, oh, hang on a minute, I don't need to.
I have one last gift to bestow.
Fuelled by fortified wine and Night Nurse, my technical support staff have been working tirelessly, rarely exceeding their allotted four-hour lunch, digitally mapping gadget towers and harnessing the latest in projection technology.
But will they have succeeded in their challenge to create a wireless, effortless be-festivalling of my cheerless exterior? Check it.
Oh, wow! Let blown fuses, loose bulbs and unsightly coils of wire be a ghost of Christmas past, for just one projector gives you an HD winter wonderland of 7,500 lumens with infinite possibilities of crystal clear decorative festiveness.
Look! Oh! There's snowmen, as well.
This is magical.
It is magical, Steve, thanks for noticing.
If I've learnt anything today, it's just to trust you.
Not to underestimate me.
It's true.
Look, "Merry Christmas, from the Gadget Man.
" Aww That's sweet of you.
You could have just said it to us, but that Yes, I thought it would be more moving if I programmed it into this animation.
You might think we've reached an apex of Christmassyness but, I'm going to take it up yet one more level.
What? Yes! I'm going to do that now.
It's snowing! I applaud you, Richard Ayoade.
Oh, wow! What are we applauding? This artificial looking snow coming in.
This is incredible.
It IS incredible.
the SB100 Falling Snow Machine pumps out 125,000 flakes per cubic metre without requiring a tiresome clean-up.
Look, I'm going to call early.
This has been the best Christmas ever.
Let's do this every year.
I'd like to.
Can we come again? Yes.
OK.
So, there we have it.
Mesmerising if not frankly magical proof that gadgets can help make Christmas a happier, easier and more satisfying experience.
I wish you all collectively a good Yule.
Don't try and be intimate with me.
With just a scattering of gadgetry, I've harvested this optimum specimen which I can now transport to my crib like a boss.
Let the wild Xmas-based rumpus begin.
'And begin it must, because tonight, 'with the aide of companions both qualified' You look like the man from Milk Tray.
'.
.
unqualified 'but crucially available' In a way, this is the spirit of Christmas right here.
'.
.
I will show how the perils, prangs and probs' Whoa! What? '.
.
that may impede your Christmas cheer can be crushed 'with just a few choice gadgets.
' Wow! What a rush.
Hang up before this becomes a story on the Daily Mail.
Hang on! Wow.
There we go.
I applaud you, Richard Ayoade.
As if it were an almost annual occurrence, Christmas is upon us once more and although my tough-guy persona might suggest otherwise, I'm very much pro-Yule.
What I'm definitely con, vis-a-vis said Yule, is the epic wave of faff that I must rebuff during the festive build-up.
Already-insane activities such as shopping and entertaining are made even more unbearable by a seasonal hysteria that can severely test a brother's capacity for goodwill.
As I shall demonstrate during this perhaps overlong television broadcast, there is no aspect of Christmas that technology cannot improve wildly, starting with the decoration of my personal premises.
Chestnuts roasting on an open fire Nat "King" Cole would rigorously reject any Christmas chestnut not roasted on one, but open fires have just been sent back to the Stone Age, where they belong, by this wi-fi connected bio-ethanol fireplace.
Not only is this is this fire smokeless and odourless, it burns only bio-ethanol vapours, plus I can also adjust the flame size and burning time over wi-fi using my smartphone, which, even if you are using a third-generation industrial manservant like Baxter to roast your chestnuts, makes it that little bit easier.
But how the rudd can I place a star atop the tree without risking my physical integrity by balancing precariously on an unsuitable item of furniture? By reaping the full rewards of the recent advances in drone technology, that's how.
MUSIC: Flight of the Bumblebee by Rimsky-Korsakov Check my Multicopter Hexatron.
Small enough to fly indoors, it's quieter than a helicopter and its six-axis gyro makes it perfect for the carrying and positioning of decorative tat.
How was life even possible before? Would that I could just stay here and enjoy the majesty.
Alack, I cannot.
Sources close to me tell me there is considerable seasonal pressure to buy gifts for others - in other words, I must go Christmas shopping.
Sadly, this is one activity that cannot always be accomplished over the internet.
It seems some workshy companies won't even deliver on Christmas Day.
So overwhelmed am I by the demands of Yule that I need someone with an unfathomable commitment to positivity for backup.
'It's broadcasting's own gift to the nation, Jonathan Ross.
' That is such an ostentatious lean.
Well, I was waiting for my date.
Well, I'm here.
Thank you for joining me.
My pleasure.
Happy Christmas.
Happy Christmas to you.
In advance.
How do you find the Christmas experience? I love it! You're an enthusiast.
I like the idea of gathering the gifts, I like the moment when I can give them to people Sure.
But being in shops sometimes can be a pain.
It's crowded, it's hot, you don't know what to buy, you have to queue up at the till.
I don't enjoy that, no-one does.
Well, you can rest at ease because I've got an app called London Crowd.
I press on the cameras and I can see a live feed of what kind of human congestion there is.
Here's the thing.
Go on.
By the time we've got over there, it may have changed.
That's why you'd have to keep the app open and look at it, rather than engage with your surroundings.
If you get halfway there and see it gets more crowded, what do you do - turn back? Turn back.
OK, it's comparatively useless, really.
For my needs, no.
You shut your stinking mouth.
This is the most valuable step forward since the wheel.
'But if we do get caught out 'and end up in a stormy swirl of Christmas shoppers' You need a sports periscope.
'With adjustable magnification, 'allowing you to see over the heaving crowd, there's no way 'we can lose each other now.
' Oh, well, that's crystal clear there(!) I'm getting to the stage where I could do with these to read the instructions on pill packets.
That you keep very high up? Could I try both? Now I've got it in stereo, that's pretty good.
That's good? 'But how will we get to our chosen shopping destination? 'With the Navigate Jacket, that's how.
' And look at this - I can also now look like I'm in Coldplay.
Wow.
So, if I press this, it will tell you to turn right? Yeah.
'Seamlessly integrating technology 'with the latest fashion, it will guide you to your destination.
' Oh, now left? 'Using a system of built-in LEDS and vibration motors, 'producing a wearable GPS system.
' No, back, come OK, right Do you realise these have no functionality? This is part of the design.
Well, that's the look I associate with you.
I'm going to return this to Chris Martin.
I think you should.
Shall we wander off to a major department store? Let's do some shopping.
Yeah.
Let's do some Christmas shopping.
'For those whose wallets brim with coin, 'a strategy to avoid the tiresome decision-making 'is to get someone else to do the shopping for you.
'With that in mind, we have an appointment with our personal 'retail consultant for the day, 'Stuart, the head of technology at the shop at which he works.
' I feel under-dressed! Ah, the smell of wealth! 'Sensing blood, Stuart leads us straight to the Vertu Aster, 'a luxury mobile that can be clad in calf leather, snake or ostrich.
'It also comes with a 24-hour concierge service 'to facilitate your every request' 'Please note that your call may be monitored.
' They're monitoring our call.
'A lifestyle manager will be with you shortly.
' BOTH: A lifestyle manager?! Don't you feel better about yourself already? I mean, I I feel like I've arrived.
HE CLEARS HIS THROA I feel Sorry.
Lower the Ah! 'Welcome to Vertu Concierge.
How may I assist?' Hello, is that my lifestyle manager? 'Yes, this is.
Is this Mr Ross?' It is! How are you doing? She knows who I am from lifestyle managing! Don't let this call escalate.
You know what happened last time.
So, if we wanted to go skiing together, hot-tubbing, a holiday, you could help us arrange that? I don't want to do any of those things.
I'd like to take him somewhere where quite rough men hang out.
Like the park? 'Any particular country where you'd like this to be in?' Any particular country? Kazakhstan! I want to send Richard to hang out with some rough men in a sauna in Kazakhstan.
'In Kazakhstan?' Yes.
'That is certainly doable.
I will have a look into that one for you.
' Have you had, like, a mental embolism? You are the one person in the world who should not have access to a concierge.
I think we're going to have Hang up! .
.
quite the meaningful relationship.
Hang up.
Hang up.
Hang up before this becomes a story on the Daily Mail.
'Sorry?' Hang up the phone.
'Next on the Christmas fun list, 'we're ushered to the relative safety of the toy department, 'where Stuart ill-advisedly lets me test-drive the electric Razor Cart.
' Whoa, whoa, whoa! Argh! Stop it! Come on now, come on.
'Whilst Jonathan cruises in the Power Rider 360.
' You just look like you're about to go into a proctology examination at speed.
At my age, you almost always ARE just about to go into a proctology examination.
That's one of the most disturbing sights I've ever seen in my life.
'With karting conquered, we take it up a click.
'The Electric Atom Car does a bracing 15mph.
'With a candy colour paint spray option, 'you can also brighten up the black leather interior 'with your own colour choice of stitchwork.
' It starts off at Ð40,000.
What the what?! Ð40,000? Fully customisable.
Why wouldn't you just get an actual car? It's for children.
It's for children? That's why it's Ð40,000! And do you get, like, a rehab programme with the car? Ow! Ow! Why would you do that to another person? Oh, hello.
Ohh! What if I dink it? Whoa! Hello! We just lost a mirror.
I clipped it.
I clipped it.
Back it up.
I think that's it.
Oh, hello.
Yes! Oh.
Hang on.
I'm going to hit this again.
No Ow! Never has the phrase "Keep your arms and feet inside the vehicle" been more appropriate.
Unfortunately, that would be Ð1,000.
Would it? Great.
I Oh, crumbs! You've actually smashed it.
It's actually broken.
You can just, um, superglue it? No, it's actually broken.
Why did we own up to that? I have a massive fear of authority, so I'm already planning my escape.
I'm actually going to floor it now.
I'll just get out of here.
He's even standing like a police officer.
I'm getting out of here.
'Our foray into luxury goods already the stuff of legend, 'we must now enter the retail battlefield of the high street 'in search of cheaper gifts.
'But how can we prevent ambush from enemy shoppers?' That's why I've hooked us up with this.
It's the Northrop Grumman F6B.
What does it do? Bomb disposal.
¤250,000 of the latest military-spec robotic hardware, so we don't have to go through the inhumane activity of talking to people whilst purchasing soap.
In a way, this is the spirit of Christmas right here.
It is.
I feel this is what that moment in Bethlehem was about.
Let's hop in the security van.
Let's do it.
OK, shall we engage the droid? Let's do it.
Let's fire her up.
It doesn't like being defined by gender roles.
Surely this is the future of shopping - the retail experience made bearable from the comfort of your own tactical command centre.
More used to navigating hazardous terrain behind enemy lines, its articulated tracks can handle an angle of up to 45 degrees to perfectly navigate the steps up to a world of heavily scented cleansing goods.
There's something there saying "handmade", which obviously means its been done lovingly.
That's attracted you? It has.
Is it wise to go for the bottom one? The bottom one looks If you think you can pull that out, good luck to you, cos I think you've got the skills To pay those bills.
Let's see if you can pay those bills.
OK.
Gently Engage Gently.
.
.
and withdraw.
Oh, OK.
But someone else will deal with that.
That was smooth.
We're going straight to the till.
Let's get on the intercom.
'Hello, Madam.
I've come from the future to buy this gift.
' How are we going to pay? I'll tell you how we're going to pay.
She's going to scan the payment band.
Whose credit card is that linked to? David Icke's.
That makes sense.
It's David Icke's.
Hey, I've got one! Go on.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER IMPRESSION: I'll be back! Kermit's calling her? No, that's THROATY GURGLE It's Arnold Schwarzenegger! "I'll be back!" You sound like you're drowning in custard.
"I'll be back!" It's Arnold Schwarzenegger.
That's the emperor dying.
'Luckily our bath bomb is safely despatched before it's detonated.
' There it is.
There it is.
That's been a triumph.
Although I felt a curious sense of disconnect.
I wasn't in the shop.
I didn't get to engage with a fellow human being and I missed that.
I missed that.
Right, you see, that's what I was after, the disconnect.
I missed it.
Right, well, what I'm asking you to do now is to give a detailed summary of praise of how I've done today.
I didn't enjoy spending time with you today.
Thank you.
I'll be honest.
I take that as a compliment.
You are quite an irritating person anyway, and I know you've heard that before.
Yes.
But also, you're cold Yes.
.
.
and you are cynical Yes.
'As Jonathan continued to lavish praise on me, 'my thoughts turned to festive achievements still to come.
'Such as a series of gadgets to protect you, 'should you be foolish enough to venture outside.
' Let's de-probe and just enjoy it.
Welcome.
I am approximately 25% of the way through an award-winning examination of how gadgets can be used to turn Christmas chore to cheer.
So far, Christmas shopping has been investigated I've come from the future to buy this gift.
.
.
and all the problems relating to it, conquered.
Christmas, the pop charts tell us, is the season to be "jolly".
But how jolly can you be when you're forced to go to an uncovered market in winter? Let's find out the answer to that leading question now.
Check out this representative Christmas market, thronging with people pretending not to be depressed.
Little do they realise the grievous danger they're in.
Has that wine been adequately mulled? How much sausage can you test before you're asked to move to another stall? Do the handmade Bavarian crafts comply with EU safety standards? Lest I be quagmired with these questions, I have arranged to meet a man whose sombre expression speaks of a level-headed and ultimately humane approach to the festive season.
It's a wise man from the East, Lincolnshire's finest, Robert Webb.
Wow, yeah? Hi.
What better way to celebrate Jesus' birth than this? I think so.
What do you like about Christmas? Having a tree on the inside of your house.
That's crazy.
And putting all the shiny stuff on.
Yeah.
And also, buying presents for people that I like.
Gift exchange.
And even presents for people I don't like.
Generic soap.
Yeah, generic soap, yeah.
Candles.
That's what my wife'll get.
The most insulting gift of all.
I got one of my brothers a DVD of Live Aid.
Wow.
Like a whole three-hour thing.
What had he done to you? He opened it and he made no effort to disguise his disappointment and hurt.
Well, I'm going to take you round this Winter Wonderland, which seems like it's going to be charming, but I actually feel it's a carnival of death here.
Oh.
With danger lurking, which we're going to repel with gadgetry.
Excellent.
So let's try and enjoy it.
Let's.
Nothing says traditional English Christmas like a begrudging visit to the bratwurst stand.
Well, we've got our bratwurst, but how in Hades are we going to eat them? It's impossible.
I don't know.
It's just, there's no way.
We'd have to sit on a rock.
Well, we can't.
What we have is the napkin table.
Check it out, y'all.
I pin this round me like a napkin.
Yes.
I'll take those, thank you.
You take those.
And then I do the same.
It's to encourage dining "a deux".
Is this for couples who are splitting up? Yeah.
So look, there's your bratwurst.
Thank you.
There's my bratwurst hang on, go back.
Yes, we need to That's great.
And now we can gesticulate.
It's practical, it's stylish, it's hands-free.
But also, you can stay there and I can just circle you We've lost a bratwurst.
OK.
We have lost a bratwurst.
It wasn't designed for that.
That's OK.
Well, because it's so intimate, we can share.
OK.
Well, I'm probably going to dive in now.
Whoa! What?! This could be unsafe.
We're in an unregistered carnival atmosphere.
Someone might have been so high off mulled wine fumes that they've stopped cooking it.
I don't even know what that's made of.
OK, well, welcome to the iGrill2's world.
I'm going to check how hot this is.
With the iGrill2? It's got two pro meat probes.
This is what professionals use to probe meat.
One here, one here.
140 was the read-out I wanted.
I've got 142.
I'm over the moon.
Let's de-probe and just enjoy it.
How is it? It's just right.
Yup? Yeah.
Just safe enough.
Just safe enough.
Yeah, well, that's all you need.
Shall we go off and explore the fair? I think we should, yeah.
OK.
Shall I back up? Um OK.
I'll back up, I'll back up.
Keep the tension, keep the tension, keep the tension.
Back it up, back it up Our sausage heavy within us, we quickly source a cup of moderately heated wine to dispel the taste.
Served in a ToastyMUG handmade by Italian craftsmen in the ceramic district of Montelupo, it boasts an all-enveloping handle, keeping your whole hand murderously hot.
See, the trouble with your conventional mugs is that they don't even try to warm the outside of your fingers, which is something I never realised they were failing to do.
Yes, it's all this.
There's a strange comfort to be had.
It's like one of those big slippers that you put both your feet in.
Yes, it's like a china muff.
A china muff.
Let's, erm Merry Christmas.
Let's see if this is as sharp as it smells.
Mmm.
Well, I've reached my limit, so I'm going to check now whether I am hopelessly inebriated with this, the Alcohoot.
The Alcohoot.
Because alcohol is a hoot.
I will plug this into the headphone jack of my smartphone Yes.
.
.
and I'll blow into here and it will tell me If you're over the limit, it stops you sending text messages or e-mails.
Yes, it immediately bans you from Twitter.
That was a good one.
Oh, it's calculating.
Right.
I am .
009 BAC.
I might begin to feel moderate effects.
That sip's hit me hard.
Yeah, harder than I thought.
Yeah.
I don't want to wrench you away from this acrid wine, but would you like to sing some carols? Oh, yes, please.
OK.
# Jingle bells, jingle bells # Jingle all the way # O what fun it is to ride In a one-horse open sleigh.
APPLAUSE Beautiful.
That is tight.
That was white hot.
What are we going to do in terms of our choir game? I'm not sure if we can do anything.
Singtrix, yeah? Oh! This is pro-level choir singing.
This will AutoTune, it'll add effects, it's on an Xmas carol.
"Xmas carols".
I can read that.
And so there's a reverb.
VOICE ECHOES: You can also go up to Latin Groove "Latin Groove.
" Sounds quite similar.
ECHOES HEAVILY: Erm, or "Asian Tradition", so the entire continent of Asia represented by a bit more echo.
What shall we sing? Well, I don't know.
What about Little Drummer Boy? Little Drummer Boy? Do you want to be Bing? Or Bowie? Oh, you probably want to be Bowie, don't you? I'd like to be Bowie.
# Come, they told me Pa-rum-pum-pum-pum-pum BOTH: # A newborn king to see Pa-rum-pum-pum-pum-pum # Our finest gifts we bring # Pa-rum-pum-pum-pum-pum # Rum-pa-pum-pum-pum, Rum-pa-pum-pum-pum # Peace on earth, how could it be? # Pa-rum-pum-pum-pum-pum # For the child that you could be Pa-rum-pum-pum-pum-pum I bring 'As Robert's demonic possession by the ghost of Bing Crosby 'takes its final fatal grip, 'I am forced to exit stage left.
' .
.
Pum-pum-pum Out! I'm out! Frankly, I need to decompress from this not-so-wonderful land and sleep off my two potent sips of mulled wine.
Back at Gadget Towers, I have another heavy burden on my all-too-full back and shoulders.
Namely, decorating the outside of my crib.
If your hood is anything like mine, you need to get your gaff up to maxi-Christmassy outside light level or risk serious dissing from your brethren.
And yet I completely lack the will to do it myself.
Hi, yeah, it's me, Richard.
Richard Ayoade, yeah.
Season's greetings to you.
No, nothing much has happened.
No, it's all right.
I will tell you.
I want to decorate the house entirely, but I'm finding it so boring, I cannot be bothered.
Could you do it? Ideally this year, yeah.
OK, bye.
He hung up halfway through.
Coming up: Snow, fog, and early nights.
If only we had devices Winter perils set to be vanquished by the fierce fist of Gadget.
Ah.
That's a pleasure! I am now halfway through a world-class investigation, into how the many crises of Christmas can be averted by the simple application of gadgetry.
# Pa rum pum pum pum.
But before I can close the door on the world and enjoy Christmas alone in my gadget kingdom, there's another seasonal hurdle which threatened, in a way that's real, to put a dampener on my festive fun.
If you believe in the power of dreams like me and Carl Jung, then dreaming of a white Christmas is seven shades of silly.
The triple terrors of snow, fog, getting dark pretty early, are a mini-series of miseries I have no intention to watch as a box set, if you haven't already drifted out of this convoluted metaphor.
I need to be ready for anything winter throws at me.
Tamworth Snowdome is the largest indoor snow facility in Tamworth.
Often, it's too rammed with people sledging and skiing for pleasure to be able to conduct vital research into the best gadgets for surviving the Christmas cold spell, but I'm going to redress this imbalance with the help of comedy writer and actor, Reece Shearsmith, a man who's for all seasons, but who expresses a distinct preference for winter.
Reece.
One of the things that gets my personal goat about winter is that it gets in the way of my skateboarding game.
Yeah, I've heard this about you.
It's a nightmare.
Luckily, I'm going to start rocking one of these.
It's a Rockboard Descender.
Is that what it is? It's like a tank mixed with a skateboard.
I've got this one which is the ski The Snow Glyder.
Snow Glyder.
I'm not so convinced about the word, Glyder.
I can barely walk on the snow, never mind go on a Glyder.
Yeah, no, I, despite appearances, I'm not at home on crystalline ice.
Right, well, we'll see, won't we? Yeah, let's see who emerges with the most dignity.
Right, OK.
Right, here we go.
Go.
Really good.
Really good.
Wow! We both know who looked cooler.
You see that? You looked like the man from Milk Tray.
Thank you, yeah.
It was elegant, controlled and quite animalistically erotic.
Right.
Whereas I slid down a slope on my arse.
But I know I can and will make traversing the treacherous slopes of Peckham look as effortless as Santa sliding down a heating duct.
A ski bike conversion kit turns your BMX or mountain bike into an alpine adventure, allowing you to get back in plenty of time for Love Actually.
All you have to do to your bike is remove the wheels, chain, gears, brakes And put on a ski.
And it's just like being on a bike.
Yeah.
But with none of the safety aspects.
Yep.
Let's go.
OK, let's go, let's go.
Descend.
Ready? OK.
Weh-hey.
Hello, it's a bit lively.
This is lively.
Ooh.
Wow, what a rush.
Reece Yeah.
How often will you be using this, is my question? All the time now.
Yeah? Yeah.
It's quite literally, it's like riding a bike.
Totally safe, you've got a bell.
Yes.
That's my favourite feature.
But bells won't help where we're going.
An ungoverned corner of the snow dome to face an avalanche of Yuletide business.
You've come prepared, I see.
I have.
I set off with these on, yeah, they're apologetically called, the Smallfoot.
The Smallfoot.
Yeah.
I don't know if you can notice them.
You look so elegant in your walk.
It's quite discreet.
It looks great.
I haven't quite realised what they're for.
Deep snow.
For walking on deep snow? For walking on deep snow, so you don't sink down.
Right.
So, what is it that you most like about winter? The lack of UV? It's dark at night for me to be able to move without being seen.
Right, allows you to stalk without fear of recrimination.
Absolutely, yeah, and I wear my top hat and take my bag of knives Good.
.
.
into the fog.
That's nice.
So, I'd much rather be wearing these than trudging round in the freezing cold.
I, however, favour trudging in the Yaktrax.
They grip the ice like mini tyre chains to afford you smooth passage in temperatures as low as -41 degrees F, as well as in more artificial conditions.
But, sometimes, shoes aren't enough.
Now, Reece, a blizzard has just started up.
I know, yeah.
It's frightening me.
I think we've got to get out of this.
It's very realistic, I'd love to go over there.
I can't because our path is blocked by this naturally occurring snow formation.
Yeah, this all fell in one clump.
There's literally no way through.
I mean, it's such bad luck.
If only we had devices.
Sweet Hosanna, we do.
The Snow Wolf, so called because of its resemblance to a wolf is a whole three times faster than ordinary shovels.
Wow.
And the electric snow shovel comes complete with telescopic handle, to encourage good snow clearing posture.
My problem with the Snow Wolf is what you do with the snow once You do that? Yes.
Where do you put it? To the side? Can you tilt it? No.
Can you tilt it off? No, can't tilt it off.
Oh, that's a shame.
Well, the good thing about the Stiga Electric Snowshovel is that the snow flies so far away From you It becomes someone else's problem.
Yeah.
Ah, that's a pleasure.
Cold winter nights often contain what's long been a misty foe to John Carpenter, I'm talking fog.
Good gravy, that fog came in fast.
Where did this come from? As if out of nowhere.
Yeah.
Fortunately, I'm prepared for this, as well.
The Noxgear Tracer360 is a visibility vest with flexible and durable fibre optics perfectly calibrated for maximum brightness, to help you get to your Christmas gatherings in safety.
Of all the things that we've experienced together Yes.
And we have experienced many things together.
A lot.
I think, this is one of the most exciting.
Also, with the fog being as intense as it's just suddenly got Yeah.
How are we going to take pictures? How are we going to see things? Right, how? With a thermal imaging camera attachment.
What?! Look at this.
Wow.
Snapping easily on to your phone, its two cameras in one give unprecedented detail to a thermal reading, allowing you to virtually rewire your own senses and see heat.
Your teeth are cold or hot, I can't tell which.
Yeah, they're a different temperature to my face.
They are, that's what I'm saying, yes, and your nose is.
As a device, that's quite something.
I'd quite like to have one of those.
Yes.
Do we know how much they are? I don't know exactly how much this is, but what I'm going to do is, I'm going to tell you in voice over.
'It retails at ?260, Reece.
' Bit rich for my blood.
Yeah, yeah, can't afford that.
If this weather keeps getting worse, we're going to have to It seems to be.
We're going to have to take shelter.
Look at this.
And we're doing it in the Lifesystems two-person Survival Shelter.
A waterproof sheath for you and what will now be a close friend to sit in fear-tinged comfort in your own low-cost microclimate.
Right, I think they could've provided a secondary window.
If it's two-man, there should be two windows.
I know, I want to look out my own window.
But it's not fair, I want to.
And then we just Do we wait for help? No-one's coming to help.
We just stay here? We just die underneath this tangerine dream.
In an orange environment.
But we can look out, although it's fogging up, weirdly.
Yeah, I know, it's like your glasses.
It's a nightmare, I mean this is what I live with day in, day out.
Is there a helpline? No.
Let's do it.
The first victory against fog is ours.
Thank God we've cleared the snowdrift.
Yeah, oh! Do it, do it.
Seasonal weather successfully rebuffed, I continue to contain the excesses of Christmas.
Except, perhaps, for the problem of what is the must locate, purchase and hand over to children gadget of the season? To answer that question, here's a group of men and women who have been specifically chosen for their childishness.
Together, they comprise what is referred to on their contract as my public panel.
As you know by now, you represent the nation and the nation has one question, which is what do we buy our collective children for Christmas? The burden is heavy.
I know you will take it up.
Ideal for the offspring of City professionals and students, artificially intelligent Anki Drive racing cars are controlled via app, putting you in the driving seat of a real life video game.
Oh, you think he just hit me with it.
Oh, don't do it, don't do it! Part race track, part combat zone, you can win points to upgrade your car's weapons and capabilities.
Oh, you just immobilised me again.
I took second place.
Rematch! Do you like Christmas? What is not to like about Christmas? The EmoteBot is the world's first natural talking teddy.
What would you like for Christmas? It's not possible to speak in hypothetical terms.
It's stuffed with the power of the internet to answer your child's burning questions like Can you sing songs? Daisy, daisy, give me your answer do, I am half crazy all for the love of you.
That is so cute! So, no it can't, but it does use software that mimics basic human emotion for a more realistic conversation experience.
Well, this is a natural scene.
How are you finding the interaction there? It's good because it learns Why is it mouthing now? What is it saying? Is it muttering? BEAR MUMBLES You've got to stop interrupting.
It's very rude.
It You're rude, you're rude.
The much more polite MiP robot is controlled by hand gestures or a smartphone, features seven exciting game modes and has the ability to memorise up to 50 directions in sequence.
It can carry its own body weight or a piece of fruit of your choice, and somewhat worryingly, makes a sad noise when it falls over.
ROBOT: Ah! I love the sounds.
Um, hours of fun, definitely, if only for Christmas Day.
Thank you once again for your rigour.
It has been without cease.
You've tested the gadgets within an inch of their collective lives.
Which, though, was the best? The Anki Drive.
The Anki Drive.
Thank the Lord for that.
The Anki Drive is the gadget that has triumphed, this Christmas.
Coming up, I test a gadget-led approach to the festive season's key eating-based event - Christmas dinner.
71 Degrees C, that's a good test.
And my technical support staff responds to my demand for a faff-free decoration of the Gadget house.
Check it.
What a rush! 'We are fast approaching the nail-biting climax.
.
' Keep the tension, keep the tension 'to my forensic examination of Noddy Holder's favourite holiday.
' I feel this is what that moment in Bethlehem was about.
'But no guide to Christmas would be complete without tackling 'the most stressful element of the big day itself.
' The preparation of Christmas dinner is a logistical and emotional challenge that no-one has yet circumnavigated with even rudimentary dignity but, with the aid of gadgets, I'm going to get my Chrissy shiz right tight.
Thanks to gadgets I can get the whole darn mess on the table within an hour.
Forego the need for a laborious peeler with tater mitts, cutting your peeling time to just eight seconds a spud.
Also doubles as potato-based percussion.
RUSTLING But I crave something different, something more static, something more vertical, and the upright carrot peeler sates this pang.
A tad pricey, sure, but it will save several minutes of time, which you can you use to work out how to pay for it.
It creates little to no mess.
Batoning my carrots free-hand has always been a waking nightmare, until now.
And any plant-based debris can be deposited into the Food Cycler CS-10.
Three hours later, we're talking compost.
This happens every Christmas, the lack of oven capacity drives me to distraction.
But sweet mercy has provided me with the Webber E670, which comes with a sear station and 769 square inches of cooking area.
Let me tell you, friends, this can handle a whole heap of meat.
There are still a few hurdles that even the possessor of a Michelin star would struggle to straddle sans gadget.
Instant gravy can be unregulated gloop of anguish but the Whizzy Whisk gets you into a splash-free zone.
My kitchen campaign is nearly ended, save the near-ritualistic opening of the thoroughly-lidded cranberry sauce jar.
It's so compact.
DOORBELL RINGS Joining me are Jessica Hynes, Adam Hills and Stephen Merchant.
It's Jessica, Stephen and Adam.
Good, yeah.
'Specially selected to fragment into a facsimile of familial tension 'and discord so I can test my dining gadgets under combat conditions.
' Thank you for having us.
Baxter's going to take your coat.
Hey, Baxter.
Thank you for coming in height order, as requested.
I have to manually close this, which I'm furious about.
Thank you.
Oh, lovely.
Thank you for coming.
Do you like Christmas? I've never liked it, and then I came here.
You've never Right.
And suddenly I'm like, "This is what I've been missing.
" I love Christmas.
Of course you do.
Of course.
You love everything.
You're just positive.
I can't relate to you.
Stephen? I've always liked Christmas, Richard, but I've always felt that I was lifting too many fingers, I was having to take things out of ovens, I was having to open my own gifts, I was having to eat my own food.
I've always felt that Christmas would be somehow better With other people? .
.
if technology and gadgets could somehow help me in the enjoyment of it.
Well, your desire, long thwarted, mercifully intersects with this programme's brief.
Wow! And we're going to start with this piece of business, the Jetchill.
'Removing the need for ice cubes with their stupid habit 'of melting all over your drink, this customer chills glasses 'instantly with CO2, creating powdered dry ice.
' And it's quick! Well, that's what's great, it's only about three times longer than getting ice cubes from the fridge.
Yeah, I mean, you never get that time back.
Now, have a look at this.
Wow! That's OK, I'm sold.
This is tremendous.
Happy Christmas.
BREATHLESS: Wow, that is chilled.
Yeah, that's chilled, all right! You've chilled the heck out of that! This sherry was very competitively priced, that's what I'm going to tell you.
So, obviously, we need to document this occasion, otherwise how will we remember it? I barely remember now.
The experience won't become real.
After inhaling alcohol I don't think we're going to remember much of the last 20 minutes 'Modernity decrees that I must document the moment with 'what's ambiguously called a "selfie".
'But, to avoid the strain of sustained arm stretch, 'I'm using a ClickStick 'attached to my smartphone.
' We're taking it on, modern technology, we now need to pretend it looks old, that's the next stage.
Look at this, the Impossible Instant Lab.
Watch, it extends.
'It can transform a digital image on your phone into an analogue, 'almost instant, real-life photograph! 'We've gone forwards and backwards at the same time!' Pow! Wow, this is great, yup.
And then, ten minutes later, that will have developed.
Can I take a picture of the picture that you've taken? It keeps going, like Escher.
And then text that to me.
I'll text that to you.
Great.
Oh, it's now drained of colour, look at that.
Oh, that's fantastic.
That's ideal.
That's just like a Polaroid.
Can I keep that? That is yours to keep.
Thank you.
Well, your faces tell me that you have been blown away but prepare for even more excitement as I make good on my promise to feed you.
Let's dine now, in a Yule-type way.
After you.
Thank you.
I'm going to take that one.
Right, this is where we dine.
How pumped are you? Alarm bells for me cos there's only two chairs.
That's a very small table though, Richard.
Stephen, don't doubt me and neither you - especially you.
Look at this.
Oh, amazing.
What?! That is good.
Yeah? It's now slightly bigger.
Yeah? All right? Two chairs indeed! Oh! Incredible.
That's right.
But now there's only three.
Surprise, surprise What?! Wow, I have to say, I'm genuinely impressed by this.
Well, why don't we sit down on these potentially uncomfortable seats? 'Only the addition of food and drink 'can make this feel any more like a Christmas dinner.
' Here we go.
Oh, wow, and there's more.
Sorry it took four hours.
But look at this.
Wow.
That's a great job.
I'm going to carve this with these bear paws.
What?! Yeah, that's right.
Hugh Jackman gave me these, all right? Look at this.
Oh, my goodness.
You're only one step away from using your hands to tear it apart.
'With vital seconds recouped, I can now dish up 'using the Thermo Grill Tongs 'which allow me to accurately announce meat temperature.
' Oh, 71 degrees C - that's a good temp.
That's a good temp for a turkey.
But, look, I mean, the whole thing's shredded.
'To avoid the problem of seasonal overstuffing, 'I've equipped my guests with a Smart Fork 'using Slow Control technology to track each mouthful 'and vibrate when you are eating too quickly.
' BUZZING It buzzed.
It buzzed? It buzzed? It buzzed.
It buzzed as a warning.
Next time, it'll take your head clean off.
So, now, what have you got here? This is an app which will count down the ten seconds between fork servings.
8, 7 Hold off 5, 4 No, hold off 3, 2, 1 Just enjoy yourself.
Enjoy it now, savour the food.
Chew.
10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 Clear.
10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3 Wait .
.
2, 1.
Clear.
This is the true meaning of Christmas.
Yeah.
Adam, Jessica, more turkey? No, no, no, I need to shield myself.
Here we go.
I have bought you presents.
I haven't wrapped them because I've got the Giftwrap 3000.
I'm going to hit start.
I'm just going to rock over here and collect the goods.
It's the personalised nature of it that I like.
It makes you feel special.
It does, doesn't it? Nothing says 'love and care' than hot off the roller.
LAUGHTER Now, there you go.
Thank you.
There you go.
Thank you.
And there you go.
How do you know which one's which? I guessed.
OK.
That's lovely, some black socks.
A man always needs some socks.
Not just black socks.
Smarter Socks.
'When sock pairing goes wrong, as it so often does, 'a unique identification chip, sock sorter and app 'work in harmony to regather your socks electronically.
Well, thank you, I appreciate that.
It's very useful cos I'm constantly confusing my identical black socks with each other.
Yes, you're more than welcome.
And that's yours for the duration of the recording of this show.
Great! Adam.
Wireless Armour boxer shorts.
Because my broadband boxer shorts were really becoming a pain to drag around Now, what I'm saying with this is that, are you concerned about the radiation from your mobile phone or laptop damaging the potency of your testes? Very much so.
Well, this has a silver mesh that creates a Faraday shield that will rebuff that.
So, I can sit on the couch in my underpants with my laptop, working away Yes.
.
.
and not irradiate.
You can cover yourself in BlackBerrys.
What I will add is that these have not been tested.
Jessica.
Richard, thank you so much.
I feel bad that I didn't get you anything.
Well, it has been noted.
Oh What is it? I do? Yes.
It's a ring.
It's the Kovert Smart Ring.
'Which links to your phone and vibrates when you miss a call, 'text or e-mail, keeping you notified without the social 'hari-kari of having to delve into your handbag.
' Cos one of the things I don't want to do when I'm in a social situation is kind of relax and be there.
No.
There's a part of me, a little part of me that wants to stay on red alert and plug in to social media.
And I'm going to ask you to do something for me now.
Try and imagine life without that now.
I can't imagine You can't do it.
Now, we've had a blast eating together but there's more to come.
I want to show you something outside that's going to please you immensely.
Can I take my pants? Please do.
I'll just get my phone.
But, oh, hang on a minute, I don't need to.
I have one last gift to bestow.
Fuelled by fortified wine and Night Nurse, my technical support staff have been working tirelessly, rarely exceeding their allotted four-hour lunch, digitally mapping gadget towers and harnessing the latest in projection technology.
But will they have succeeded in their challenge to create a wireless, effortless be-festivalling of my cheerless exterior? Check it.
Oh, wow! Let blown fuses, loose bulbs and unsightly coils of wire be a ghost of Christmas past, for just one projector gives you an HD winter wonderland of 7,500 lumens with infinite possibilities of crystal clear decorative festiveness.
Look! Oh! There's snowmen, as well.
This is magical.
It is magical, Steve, thanks for noticing.
If I've learnt anything today, it's just to trust you.
Not to underestimate me.
It's true.
Look, "Merry Christmas, from the Gadget Man.
" Aww That's sweet of you.
You could have just said it to us, but that Yes, I thought it would be more moving if I programmed it into this animation.
You might think we've reached an apex of Christmassyness but, I'm going to take it up yet one more level.
What? Yes! I'm going to do that now.
It's snowing! I applaud you, Richard Ayoade.
Oh, wow! What are we applauding? This artificial looking snow coming in.
This is incredible.
It IS incredible.
the SB100 Falling Snow Machine pumps out 125,000 flakes per cubic metre without requiring a tiresome clean-up.
Look, I'm going to call early.
This has been the best Christmas ever.
Let's do this every year.
I'd like to.
Can we come again? Yes.
OK.
So, there we have it.
Mesmerising if not frankly magical proof that gadgets can help make Christmas a happier, easier and more satisfying experience.
I wish you all collectively a good Yule.
Don't try and be intimate with me.