Gadget Man (2012) s04e01 Episode Script

The Weekend

My name is Richard Ayoade, and welcome to a soon-to-be iconic episode of Gadget Man - a heady collision of gadgets with what once was a man.
Tonight, the weekend - how gadgets can help us optimise every single aspect of these precious 48 hours - Do it to me, Richard! - Don't turn me into some kind of madam.
take the strain out of a weekend gym trip This is so demeaning.
and excise diverse hassles besetting the traditional Saturday night out.
- Look.
- Ooh! - Ooh, come, now.
- Finally! This is a great night out, just doing this.
So, if you want gadgets, and a dispassionate man guiding you towards them, then your very specific needs are about to be catered for.
ALARM CLOCK BLARES AMBIENT HARMONY For some reason, people seem to think the weekend is too short - even though it's always the same length.
These so-called people should quit their quarrel with time and its regularity and start getting things done with gadgets.
This new Ubi is a case in point.
It's a Wi-Fi connected computer that links me to me gadgetry via my majestic baritone voice.
- OK, Ubi.
- IT PINGS Turn the lights on.
It's difficult to construct a compelling case for getting out of bed at the weekend, so I've had to start referring to my Tikker to give me an incentive.
This death watch is literally counting the hours away towards the projected date of my demise.
I have three more years to live.
It's SO long.
with such a finite timescale, I suppose I can no longer waste my few remaining minutes on filming the boring process of getting dressed before the next sequence.
And that can't begin until I've seen which tired TV faces want to ruin my weekend plans.
The Leia S-95 can display my video messages on a stream of barely-visible fog.
- Richard, it's Al here.
- Who? It's the weekend.
You know, you work too hard, I work too hard Not really.
- We need to really let our hair down.
- You haven't got any hair.
Good, then I'll see you, usual place, same time, as ever.
- Fantastic.
- Never met you before in my life.
- Hey, Richard! - Who are you? - It's great to hear you're coming tonight.
- I never agreed to that.
Al's very excited.
We'll meet about seven.
See you there! How am I suddenly coming tonight? This is a living hell.
My weekend, like my sense of self, is now hopelessly compromised.
I'm ever closer to death, and I must now attend to various household chores.
Something I feel can be best dealt with by a relatively low-energy montage.
Let the spring-buffing begin.
For a modest abode, Gadget Towers does soak up elbow grease.
But the world's most advanced robotic vacuum can offset of the worst of the curse.
Its unique 360 vision system maps and navigates the room so I don't have to 360 vision-system map it myself.
Or you could employ the RC Sugoi Mop from Japan, which has the hubris to term itself amazing.
And because gadgets also need gadgets to clean THEM, I dollop out Cyber Clean putty, which moulds to the contours of any device.
And my inner miniature George Formby can be unlassoed with this .
a fibre pad wipes and dries in one smooth action, giving your screens the weekend treat they asked for in that dream you keep having.
And finally, no weekend would be complete without this chore that has been captured for the first time on camera.
But now I delegate this duty to the Firemote Fire-Fighting Robot.
By week it defends my land, at the weekend it eviscerates dirt on my car .
like a boss.
I've dealt with household chores with humanity and brutal efficiency, but now I must turn my massive mind to exercise.
An activity that many insist on persisting with - even at the weekend, of all times! Luckily, I'm lean like a wildcat.
But what about others, who aren't blessed with my world-class genes and furious metabolism? How do these unfortunates stay trim without wasting what limited breath they have left exercising? To help me assess the latest keep-fit tech is a man who is so buff, his head looks like a bicep - TV presenter Steve Jones.
- Hi, Steve.
- Hi, Richard.
- Thanks for joining me.
- My pleasure.
Do you keep fit? Use your eyes, Richard! - Blimey.
- I'm looking at a gun show.
- Thank you! I want to show you some gadgets to help, if anything, improve your workout regimen.
I didn't get the memo about colour, by the way.
You're very colourful.
I've got this Chariots of Fire thing going on, - and you're all Goldie Lookin Chain.
- Sure.
That's a very specifically Welsh reference, and I'm going to address that now - with this.
What have we got? - What is this? - This is a vest.
Pop it on.
It's going to react to your heat levels and show you which muscle groups are working hardest.
- Wow, really? - Which I imagine will be all of them.
- Why don't you pop off - I'll pop off.
- .
and put that back on? - I'll pop back.
- I will promise not to look.
Bang! - Bam.
- Oh, look at that! See the vein in my arm? That is just when you're resting.
That's how much blood needs to flow through - just to keep that kind of gun operable.
- That's my hot blood.
They should do these in shorts, by the way.
That would bean incitement to riot.
- HE LAUGHS - OK? - I want to strengthen my core.
- Yeah.
- You want to strengthen your core.
- Naturally.
- I'm going to get the Quirky Drift.
- OK.
- The Quirky Drift.
- Take it.
Can I see what's underneath this Quirky board before I stand on it? That's an excellent idea.
- These things.
- What the? They're really quirky.
They're like the kind of things Belle and Sebastian would put underneath the board if they had one.
- OK.
- You never know what's going to happen.
Let's get on.
Oh, God, this is so This is so demeaning.
- OK? - Oh, look at that! Look at that.
Rock solid.
You're doing the robot over there - - I'm rock solid.
Look at this.
- Yeah, all right.
I can see how this is very good for the stomach, mind you.
I imagine someone like Phoebe from Friends on this Quirky Board.
Quipping, pointing out differences.
- Shall we dismount? - Let's dismount.
We've nailed the warm-up - now let's see if gadgets can take the utter boredom out of running.
The Sportiiii is a state of the art fitness tracker which attaches to your glasses to provide performance feedback.
I'm going to wear the Spree SmartCap.
You're not a man who normally wears hats, are you? What are you talking about? Are you saying that I don't look fly in this? - SNIGGERS: No! - You shut your mouth.
How dare you? You're trying to psych me out.
I know what's going on.
You're worried I'm going to show you up.
Tell me more about your magic hat.
I will do that now, Steve - its magic lies in its ability to sync with your smartphone to measure heart rate, temperature and number of calories burnt.
- All right, off we go.
- All right.
I need to get in the green.
Where are you? Is that how you actually run? - 'Heart rate 75.
' - Oh, it's speaking to me! - 'Great job.
' - What's it say? It's saying my heart rate is 75.
- 75.
Is that good? - I don't know.
I can't get any purchase on my forehead, Steve.
- It's the wind - you're moving too fast.
- Oh Great work-out.
- What does it say? - I've burnt three calories.
- What?! - Three calories.
- No! What's that? That about the same calorific content as air.
But it's the weekend - I've already downed a gallon of beef, so this marathon must continue.
This time Steve's wearing the Gutr sweatband, which will capture and channel Steve's masculine sweat away from his feminine eyes.
- I've got this.
- What the hell is that?! - It's the Runbell, y'all.
- BELL DINGS That's a pretty good idea, actually.
- Yes.
- I run a lot in Regent's Park - Yes.
- .
and there's always annoying pedestrians in the way - Ugh! .
walking with their children, going to the zoo.
- People are having children, still, now?! - I know.
I'm not going at that speed.
BELL DINGS - Get out of the way! - BELL DINGS Don't make this a Zola Budd situation.
BELL DINGS - Don't collide! - BELL DINGS Yes! It works, you know.
Oh BELL DINGS That was hell.
These shoes really pinch.
After a comprehensive workout Oh, good grief.
it's really important to cool down and stretch.
But I can't be figged, so I always bring a portable hi-tech solution.
Steve, you just asked me off-camera for a massage, which I thought was inappropriate.
- So, I've brought you to the Aqua Massage.
- OK.
- OK? Pop in.
What am I? "Pop"? "Pop" in?! It's not a cottage, I don't know where I'm going! DOOR WHIRS - Oh.
- You know where you're going.
- That was slick.
Just slide in.
You'll be fine.
Let's close it down.
Nothing's hap IT BEEPS Oh.
- Feels good.
- Yeah? Feels like loads of tiny little fists hitting me.
Like little monkeys punching my buttocks.
- And that's a good thing? - Yeah! 36 computer controlled water jets simulate a personal fingertip massage, giving you half-time benefit of a traditional half-hour pummel in just ten mins.
Oh, yeah! Do it to me, Richard! Don't turn me into some kind of madam.
Yeah! - Steve - Yes? - I can't bear this any longer, so I'm going to leave.
Do you know what? I was going to ask you to leave anyway.
I'm going to leave you with your own conscience.
- Thank you, sir.
- Thank you, Steve.
Oh, yeah! Whilst I wait for my endorphins to level out, here are three mean machines each representing 20 million Britons - my Public Panel.
This week, gadgets to take the hard work out of your weekend leisure time.
Whilst I like to keep my hours spent outdoors to a minimum, others take part willingly in the weekend delusion called gardening.
And with the Coopers 3-in-1 garden vacuum, leaf clearing can be made even more pleasurable than it no doubt already is.
I think that would do to the garden what James Dyson did to the house.
I'm pretty impressed with that.
Yeah, it's very light and easy to use.
So, it blows, it sucks, it shreds.
Jeez, get a room.
Let's barbecue, shall we? A forgotten sausage on the barbecue can turn your weekend into a nonsense.
Wouldn't like to have been to this barbecue, would you? But those terrifying days are at their end - the Grillbot is the world's first automatic barbecue-cleaning robot.
Well, I like anything that's going to help me do the cleaning.
Ooh! She's away! Just set to one of three cleaning programmes and an alarm will let you know when the chore's complete.
I've got reservations.
To be honest with you, if you just get a brush when it's hot It's done.
Weekend weed removal is henceforth tasked to the Weed Spinner, as it capably vanquishes undesirable plants with its weed spinning ways.
Whoa! There we go, there we go, there we go.
It's not bad, that, actually.
It's taken the full roots out, so you do notice straight away that you're not pulling your back to do it.
We have cleared our crafts away from the table, and we must now talk about gadgets.
Please, deliver me your verdict.
Number one, Richard, was the Coopers 3-in-1 garden vacuum.
Well, that's good news for Coopers.
The 3-in-1 garden vacuum cleaner is the nation's choice of gadget.
Coming up, I turn my attention to something that I assume is some kind of prank sentence - Come, now.
the Great British Saturday night out.
No-one lose their cool and, like, do a Nazi salute or anything.
If looking at gadgets isn't enough, why not try and win some in our series-long prize draw? We've got an amazing stash up for grabs, including an ultra-high definition LG 4k TV, Apple MacBook Pro and iPhone 6, a Sony PS4 plus a Microsoft Xbox One console, a Canon SLR camera and a barrel-load more besides.
To see the full list of everything included in this bumper prize bundle, visit For your chance to win, all you have to do is Good luck! We are at the midpoint of a critically acclaimed investigation Yeah! .
into how the challenges and obligations of the average weekend can be sugared by a judicious sprinkle of gadge.
So far we have tackled household chores and the whole unsightly business of exercising.
Don't make this a Zola Budd situation! As well as these faffing irks, the weekend places an even greater burden upon our shoulders.
The pressure to have what you people call a "good time", and nowhere is this more evident than an a "night out".
This often takes the form of riotous, unguarded beverage consumption in a public house as the fateful journey on the night bus home edges ever nearer.
It's a familiar tale and one fraught with terror.
And joining me to create the bitter illusion of a joyful social gathering are two people and comedians, Sara Pascoe and Al Murray.
Did you get there from stamping and clapping - cos he does that, doesn't he? - Yeah, he does.
- Oh, hello! - Hi, Sarah.
- Hello, Richard.
- Hi, Al.
Thanks for agreeing to attend.
- I know it's tempting to bail.
- Oh, no, we've had a lovely time.
- Do you want a drink? - I've brought my own water.
So - Another banging night out with you then.
- It's going to get crazy.
And hydrated.
Let me ask you a question - how do you feel about nights out? When they come along, nights out are special and precious.
Which just makes this even more special and precious.
- Well, thank you for that.
- What do you do of a night out, usually? I try and find my way home.
I'm going to try and make this night out even better than it currently is by addressing the situation of phones.
- In a situation like this people are often on their phones.
- Yes.
Sending business e-mails, organising squash appointments.
- Selling stocks.
- Squash? You know how it is.
You've got to book squash up or it just doesn't happen.
- OK.
I suppose.
- Yeah.
So phones on the table.
- All right.
'Designed to help people surmount temptation, 'the kitchen safe has a lockable timer 'which can be set for any length of time 'between one minute and ten days.
' - What if my phone rings? - You cannot get it out.
But can you hear it? Is it soundproof? It's not soundproof.
It's not a panic room for phones.
- You can hear it.
- You can hear it crying and mewling.
- I'm not happy about that.
- Well, I'm sorry.
That's the situation.
Let's take the Autographer.
OK? Because one of the things we need to do is take photos.
Yet, but I could be taking photos right now, but you locked my phone away.
Previously, there was one gadget.
- There are now two - Yes, progress.
- .
to make up for the missing gadget.
Things are getting better all the time as you correctly point out.
The Autographer is the world's first intelligent wearable camera, which can be set to take a stream of pictures every few seconds in a s'wonderful, spontaneous, hands-free way.
I'm trying to steer it towards people surreptitiously, if nobody notices - That's perhaps not as surreptitious as you'd hope.
- No-one will know.
- No.
- Al, don't think I'm not going to take care of you.
- Oh, well.
The Sonic Foamer claims to make beer taste better by using ultrasonic vibrations to excite the gases.
- Ooh! I like that.
- Come now.
- Finally.
Come now.
- SARA GASPS - Yeah? I mean, this is a great night out just doing this.
And you'd definitely make friends cos everybody would come over and go, "Hey, you've got the Sonic Foamer.
Do you mind if I?" "Of course.
" We're having a great time.
Now let's address one of the things that is awful about being outside.
The sound of other people.
Take the Peltor Lite-Com Plus.
- That's yours.
- Oh, that's a gadget.
- Wow.
- That's yours.
Normally these are used on oil rigs.
- Spaceships.
- But now everyone else's blocked out.
- I can't believe this.
- I can't hear anybody but us.
- It's excellent, isn't it? - Yeah, it's like being in a helicopter or something.
- It's great, isn't it? - It's like - Hey, Tommy, we're going down, we're going down! You can do things like that.
Because it keeps cutting us off, while only one of us can talk at a time, it's not really like banter-tastic, is it? OK, I think we should start saying "Open now" after everything we say or "Over".
Otherwise this is going to become very confusing, over.
I think this is a great device, over.
I've nothing to add, out.
So, which has been your favourite gadget thus far? My favourite gadget is Sonic Foamer.
- I'm with Sarah, the Sonic Foamer.
- Yeah.
The rest were really rubbish.
You're in one minute's silence for that.
OK? One minute of silence.
All good things must come to an end and so, too, must our night out.
And because I'm still banned from London Transport, we'll have to forego the night bus and slum it on the Squadron 55.
This is so exciting.
The night's been great and now it's the best night of my life.
There's no-one, look, there's no-one - .
driving it.
- Yep.
That's going to become a problem soon.
- At this point, while going straight, we're fine.
- OK, fine.
Now what often happens at the end of an eve is that people want yet more drink.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
For those who find "it a day" a hard thing to call, a solution of sorts.
Pat's Backcountry Beverages Carbonator Simply add brew concentrate, a blend of potassium bicarb and citric acid and purified water, pump to start the chemical reaction and then shake like Otis Redding.
But not as cool.
If you're on a yacht and you're doing this you're perhaps economising in the wrong area.
And while I'm doing this, my obituary clip .
I'm going to pass you this.
- The Spill Master.
- You're passing me that.
Yes, it's like a magic trick.
Do not look at what my other hand is doing.
- OK.
The Spillnot.
Focus on the Spillnot.
- OK.
This, using the basic rules of physics, which are immutable until we find new laws.
- We do that with it? - Yes, exactly.
- Hello.
- Oh, wait a second.
Oh, it does smell quite pungent.
Punge me.
- There you go.
- Thank you very much.
- You're more than welcome.
- Cheers.
- Happy yachting.
- I'm having this amount.
Mm, that's rank.
Let's put it on the Spillnot.
Look at that.
- It's not going anywhere! - You don't look in command of that enough.
Ha! Danger.
It's starting to get real on the Thames now.
Eye contact can be fatal on public transportation so it's crucial to don the Stooksy VR Goggles.
Load with your smartphone, download an app and you will be immersed in a 3-D game of all places.
I'm going designate myself as the responsible adult in this situation because you two are sitting ducks for assailants.
I'm about to go down now.
I'm about to go down.
- Oh.
- Oh, dear.
This is quite fast actually.
The detail's amazing.
There's butterflies and things.
This is my kind of night out.
We're all in separate worlds not related to one another.
- It's been pretty good, right? - Really good.
It's been scary at times.
- I've learned a lot.
- Have you taken yours off? - Yes.
- Oh, I thought so.
- Yeah.
- We know we've had a great time.
- Yeah.
These memories will live for us till Valhalla, when we meet again.
But what about people who live in the here and now? - We need to post this on social media.
- Oh, yeah? And make them feel worse about their rubbish lives.
We're going to do this outside now.
- Wow.
- It's amazing.
So we need to get a picture of us on this boat.
Having the best one ever.
I've paired to my cool wristwatch, the Soloshot 2.
It's a fully robotic, automated cameraman originally designed for solo surfers who want a hecka fresh action shot but can't be in two places at once.
It's been successfully tracking and filming our passage down the Thames from a location on Tower Bridge.
And now to round off this already very much filmed evening, we're going to wait deeper into the pool of Narcissus.
No-one lose their cool and, like, do a Nazi salute or anything.
I've gone more regal.
You've gone fully regal.
They're some of the most exciting images of the modern era.
My achievements have been on a grand scale and I've tonight proved indubitably that with gadgets, the weekend need never be lost.
I've had the time of my life and I owe it all to you.
That's very kind, Al.
- One question.
- Yes.
- You said we were getting this yacht home.
- Yeah.
- What if I don't live near the river? You are not in luck because once this docks - the evening's over and you're dead to me.
- That's where I sleep! - That's show business.
- It seems fair.
- Yes, it's tough on the way down.
Very tough.
Next time, can gadgets take the strain? Go away.
- Pain.
- That's really poor.
And the work out of the 9 to 5.
Think of how much more efficient this is than normal preparation methods.

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