Gadget Man (2012) s04e02 Episode Script

9 to 5

Viewers of previous episodes, and my apologies to you, may have retained the fact that my name is Richard Ayoade and that this show is all about gadgets, and, if this is your first time, why not see how long you can stand it for? 'Gadgets are both my Yin and my Yang.
' This really is on fire.
'Tonight, can gadgets take the stress' Go away! - '.
the strain' - No! - '.
and even the work' Oh, look, it went.
- '.
out of our working lives?' - PHONE RINGS I can't take this right now, I'm at my, er, desk.
Let's you and I commence, not with frivolity, but with my old foe, fact.
48% of the working population of the United Kingdom, or UK for short, are not happy with their work-life balance, and the other 52% didn't understand the question.
Well, I'm here specifically for those 48% looking to prioritise life over work.
'Unbidden, I will show how gadgets can help these people 'ease their workload or shirk it altogether, 'starting with those yearning to maximise 'their personal productivity.
' In my sociopathic persona as "Gadget Man", I abhor coffee shops, but some people actually choose to come into these places and pretend to work, but can gadgets turn this promise of productivity into a reality? Sure as shizz they can! Let's kick off with your mobile device.
'I long ago abandoned primitive paper notebooks in favour of their 'more powerful digital betters.
'This portable touch screen can be propped up, 'so I can look at a portable touch screen anywhere, any time.
'But before I start to pretend to type, I need to sweep for germs.
'Thankfully, I always pack the UVC keyboard sanitiser 'to blast my qwerty with germicidal UV light.
'And there's no way I'm going to let loose liquids undo this good work.
' So now the threat of beverage spillage drenching my tech is a distant if harrowing memory.
'If you have hands, then you fit the demographic specifically targeted 'by the MeTime Hand Massager.
'It uses heat and compressed air 'to stimulate reflex points in your hands 'if for some reason your digits should seize.
' As someone who is opposed to massage on humanitarian grounds, I found this appalling.
But at least I can make it stop.
'More relaxing is a change of position and posture, which is 'why I always pack a Fuut.
'So for the home worker or coffee shop wastrel, 'gadgets are bound to make the inter-latte hours more bearable.
' 'But what about people who actually have to go into a freaking office 'and do some real work, for Pete's sake?' Swap a typewriter for a computer and an ashtray for a mouse, and the average office desk hasn't changed in over a century.
It's time to intervene.
'I'm on my way to meet Richard Ward, an expert on interactive technology.
'He's going to showcase the kind of near-future gadge that ought 'to be in every office by the end of the week.
'And to assist in the forensic analysis of this technology, 'I'll be joined by a man who's occupied 'some of the brightest desks in television, Dara O Briain.
' Now, confusingly, you are also called Richard.
- That's correct.
- But you are going to take us through these devices.
I also will insist that we maintain this kind of distance between us.
- OK, I'm down with it.
- Very formal show, isn't it? - It is.
- Hello, Richard.
- Hello.
This is Is it the office of the future, Richard? It's just like the office of the future, Dara, This is like a giant tablet, it's brilliant for people working together collaboratively or just doing something on a grand scale.
'The media wall comprises nine of 'the largest ultra-high-definition monitors available.
'Infrared light is fired across the front of them 'to make this a tablet that 32 people could use at once.
' Say, for example, I had one of these in my home and I had broken into, like, just to pick a hypothetical, an ex-girlfriend's Facebook account.
- Yes.
- This is just a hypothetical.
If, for example, I have - a giant montage of ex-girlfriends' photographs, but - A giant montage? - Like all of this - How many ex-girlfriends have you got? - What are we talking? - No, no just her, just her.
- And she takes a lot of photographs.
- OK.
- And has a lot of holidays, actually.
- Right.
- But who am I to judge? - OK.
And then I hear the footsteps of my wife appearing, how quickly can I shut it all down? Shut it down, close it off Is there just a way that one touch I wouldn't be doing that kind of stuff on this screen, It sounds like you're asking for it, if you're doing it on a screen this size.
It just I almost want to lose myself in her life.
- OK, sure.
- I just want to literally drown myself in her happiness.
- OK.
- I don't - Is that a lot to ask? - We're talking about office stuff.
This sounds like it should be done within a therapist's room.
'Undeterred by Dara's ludicrous attempts to misapply technology, 'the even more ludicrously named Richard 'introduces us to the Tobii Ergo, 'an eye-tracker that means you will never have to handle a mouse again.
' But surely you'll just replace it by straining your eyeballs? Apparently, eyes are meant to do that more than fingers are meant to that.
- Also, the mouse is always where you expect it to be.
- Yes.
- You look and there it is.
- Wow.
- I find using my eyes exhausting.
That's why, you know, I've got these.
'The Ergo sits below the screen 'and projects near infrared light onto the user's eyes, 'allowing image sensors to follow their gaze 'and move the cursor accordingly.
' I can't do this, this is exhausting me.
Is this exhausting you more than actually using your hands? I've never got so exhausted from that that I needed to lie down.
'Electronic assistants like Apple's Siri 'are, like me, faceless and emotionless, 'but the weirdly-named Richard shows us to a prototype 'that's going to bust the assistant game up at least one more notch.
' Richard, what the funk is on this plinth? This particular example is a collaboration between Toshiba and University of Cambridge.
Right, good people.
And you can basically make her say stuff and dictate the emotion in which she says it.
'Zoe is based on the actor and actress, Zoe Lister.
'The team spent several days recording her speech 'and facial expressions, using these to help create a prototype 'for the next generation of personal assistants, 'whose words and emotions can be programmed.
' - This is three more emotions than I possess.
- Yeah.
- Go for "tender".
- Tender, OK.
- OK.
The quality of your work means we have to let you go.
- Oh, there's a proper quaver in the voice.
- Yeah, there's a bit of a - She's sad, she's sad to see the back of you.
- She is sad.
- Why don't you put anger on full? - Yeah.
- And I'd like to introduce happiness into that.
- Oh! - Could you, um, change the text to, er - You can change the text to anything, that's the beauty of it.
What do you want to say? We've run out of mustard.
- But she's angry, you're saying, about this? - She's angry about it, but in a way, also happy, because she doesn't like mustard.
- I've added an extra bit at the end by the way.
- OK.
- FLUTING ANGRY VOICE: - We've run out of mustard! Damn you, Richard! Damn you to hell! - And the mouth stretching is a nice - You like that? - .
It looks like she's wearing her braces.
- It looks like her teeth have joined together and are melting.
- Yeah.
- She's very angry about the mustard - Melting with anger.
- She's angry at YOU - I know.
- .
about the mustard situation.
'Lastly, it's time to tackle the elephant in the office.
'I'm talking D to the E to the S to the K.
' OK.
So, this is called a Zero Gravity Workstation.
It's not literally zero-gravity.
- It just reduces the stress of gravity on your body.
- Shall I? Am I? Yeah.
Go on, Trump, saddle up.
- Hang on Oh.
Oh, I can feel the Gs slip away.
- Wow.
- 'Motors' - Could you bring the screen closer, servile wench? '.
and old-fashioned manual adjustment, 'mean that the pitiless compromises 'of the traditional work station are henceforth eradicated!' It would be possible to omit a smidge of arrogance in such a position as this.
It's slightly grand is what I'm saying.
'The desk has given Dara a dizzying sense of power, 'and he's become sack-happy.
' We've only seen four of these things, and I'm worried about what you've become.
Do you know what I've become? I've become comfy.
You've become a corporate monster.
Within four gadgets.
I'm going to write, "Sack Richard", just to - OK, fine.
- .
and I'm going toto Look at me, I'm ACTIONING that.
- OK.
- I'm actioning that.
- I say - There you go.
- .
before you sack me, - I'm walking.
- Ooh! - I'm leaving.
- Oh, no - I'm leaving the corporation.
- Faster than I send it? - I'm not sacked.
- Faster than I can send it? - I've left.
- Send! - I quit! 'All this tech will make office work more bearable, but it won't lessen 'the quantity, which isn't going to help the previously identified '48% of people who would probably rather not go to work at all.
'Surely we can do something?' 'Time to call my technical support staff.
' Hello? Yeah, it's me.
I've got a Gordian knot I need you to slice.
I need people to be able to go to work without going to work, and I need a solution about four minutes before the end credits.
OK, bye.
'And while we await that solution to that simple problem, 'let's take a work-related detour.
' Bean- and leaf-based beverages bestrew the office.
Can gadgets make them more delectable? Literally, who else can I contractually ask, except for my public panel? Who in the modern office has time to wait for the kettle to boil? Not one person in the world, which is why we will all, as of now, be switching to the app-controlled I-Kettle.
Oh! - That's it.
- It's even told me it's boiled! - That the cue to go.
- If you're in another room, that's handy, innit? - It is.
'For espresso aficionados, 'the Minipresso is a hand-pumped espresso maker' This is so appetising.
that requires no batteries or power, meaning very strong coffee 'is now available to anyone in the office 'who can fight sadness for long enough to assemble it.
' I don't think you go through the, um, exercise - I understand.
- There's lots of easier ways of doing it.
- A lot of business.
'Finally, the Bodum Vacuum brewer.
'It's stylish, it's retro, it is not quick.
' It's not my idea of fun, waiting ten minutes for a coffee, but I would get it out on special occasions.
'This process is supposed 'to keep the essential oils and aromas intact.
' - Mmm, nice aroma.
- To compare it to a cafetiere-style filter coffee, I can't tell whether it's any better.
'Gadgets that would enhance any workplace.
'But which will prove triumphant?' Please do not keep me in this dreadful suspense any longer.
First is? - The Minipresso.
- The Minipresso.
Thank mercy.
And the public has spoken, the Minipresso has triumphed.
'Coming up, my tireless quest to cook the books of work life 'in favour of life continues, as I tackle the tech designed 'to eradicate workplace stress.
' - I love this.
- OK.
'And my work-free workplace goes live.
' Think of how much more efficient this is than the normal preparation method.
If looking at gadgets isn't enough, why not try and win some in our series-long prize draw? We've got an amazing stash up for grabs, including an ultra-high definition LG 4K TV, Apple MacBook Pro and iPhone 6, a Sony PS4 plus a Microsoft Xbox One console, a Canon SLR camera and a barrel-load more besides.
All in all, it's a prize worth over £20,000.
To see the full list of everything included in this bumper prize bundle, visit channel4.
For your chance to win, all you have to do is text .
or you can enter by post, just send your name and daytime phone number on the back of a stamped postcard, or on the back of a sealed envelope to Good luck! Shaken to the core of my persona by the news that nearly half the population don't really like working that much, I'm on the selfless quest to help them avoid it.
To this end I've instructed my technical support staff to create a workplace I don't have to work in.
But let us begin this most second of parts in earnest with yet another remarkable fact.
Last year there were 487,000 cases of workplace stress.
The man is grinding all of us down.
As you know by now, real world problems, like bullying bosses, unrealistic workload, incompetent managers, colleagues or subordinates are beyond my remit.
What I can offer is a ruthless examination of gadgets designed to help relieve stress.
Joining me is a journalist who hates offices so much she has constructed her whole career to try and swerve them and could only be lured here by a fee.
- Hello, Grace Dent.
- Hello.
- How are you? - I'm very well.
- Sorry I'm 20 hours late.
- It's all right.
Now how do you feel about offices? The office environment makes me very, very stressed.
It's not so much the office, it's the people.
You do know they can hear you.
They have ears.
Well, we're going to try out some gadgets.
According to a reputable search engine, exercise is a great way of reducing stress.
That same search engine led us to three gadgets roughly based on this premise.
- What am I doing? - This is the office gym.
- Oh.
Just so you can do resistance exercise, like that.
How much is this? This is $129.
Oh, go away.
- I will.
- You realise you need to go to AA? You can leave a conversation and still be pumping.
- I'll see you in the next meeting.
- Oh.
Look at this, - still exercising.
- It's like dealing with a child.
Still exercising Grace, still pumping.
Thank you.
"Office golf is a stress relief cliche for the jaded exec "and that's why we're showing it.
" - It seems quite low.
- So what's the aim? What's the actual aim of this? I don't know.
I mean, I've seen it on TV.
I think you hit the ball and it's meant to go, eventually, towards a hole.
So, like this.
Are you meant to look where you're going? - God knows.
Just do it.
- What do you do? - Just hit the green thing.
Oh, look, it went .
it went to some other non-descript area of green.
Infrared sensors measure club speed and angle to make the game as realistic as possible.
Who could fail to find this a tonic? I hate this thing and I hate everything it stands for.
Well, that's the endorsement they want.
For whatever reason, Grace seemed more stressed than ever, but I have one last ace in my personal hole.
- So.
- Yeah.
- The idea with this is that you work at your desk but you're sedentary, thus increasing the risk of death! 'Walking at a steady pace' I can't take this right now I'm at my, er, desk.
stimulates brain activity and burns calories, 'making you a smarter, fitter, less stressed worker.
' This is the only thing that you've shown me so far that isn't ridiculous.
Not ridiculous is precisely what this is.
Because not only can I find dresses on the internet, - I can actually make sure that I fit into the dresses - Yes.
at the same time and I like that.
'Such was Grace's evangelism for the TR1200, 'she commandeered it with alarming alacrity.
' Newbook.
So Grace, I was going to ask you what your favourite gadget was - and I think you've answered it.
- This is my favourite gadget, I love this.
- OK.
- Thank you for having me.
- I leave you more relaxed than when I met you, which is very rare in an encounter with me.
- So thank you.
I will see you anon.
- Bye Richard.
See ya.
- Bye.
Next morning, back at Gadget Towers, it was time to see if my technical support staff had found a way for me to avoid going to the office.
Hello, viewer, let me paint you a picture of our unfolding narrative.
It is 9.
00am and I am about to go to work.
Far from my crib, my technical support staff has constructed a fully functioning fake office, staffed by the world's best telepresence devices and programmable robots.
And because of his insight, intellect and total availability, I've re-recruited Dara to be the office's only living worker.
Hi, Dara.
- Richard? - 'Welcome to the team.
' Oh, my God, Richard, what have they done to you? Richard! Oh, my God, is this what you are now? - 'Dara think of this as Skype' - Oh.
on wheels.
' Oh, you're not in the thing, No, I'm just I'm in bed with a laptop.
I literally thought they transplanted your brain - into a robot.
- 'That's how good this is.
' But Dara has no time to gawp.
His agreeing to come was contingent on leaving as soon as possible, so he's got to get to work.
Actually, this is genuinely delightful.
The cost-conscious solution to the problem of mobile telepresence is the Romo, which turns your smartphone into a remote-controlled desktop robot.
- 'Now' - There we go.
Don't touch me.
That's harassment in the workplace.
- It's not, you're not even here.
- That was inappropriate touching.
You touched my face.
- That's intimidation.
- Soft face.
- 'Stop it! Don't!' - You've a soft face.
Mm! OK.
- 'All right, yeah?' - OK, that was a bit extreme.
- 'Two can play at that game.
' - OK.
- 'All right?' - What, is this my work that I have to do? Yes, this is your work.
This is a waiver of liability.
That's correct.
And literally includes the words, "By signing below, I forfeit all "right to bring a suit against Gadget Man for any reason.
" That is correct.
I need to countersign it.
OK, let me slide it under here.
Slide it under my arm.
'Kuka robot arms are used in 'industry and science to do everything 'from welding to surgery, 'but office admin is a new market.
' It's remarkable actually.
Are you gonna do it on the paper at any stage? Generally before I sign stuff, I have a bit of a flourish above the paper to focus the mind before depressing it.
Why don't you? - Dara? - Yes.
- Be honest, did you lower this table? - No.
- OK, you may have to lift it up to the robot arm.
Just lift the paper up a tiny bit.
OK, I'm lifting it up, I'm lifting it up.
OK, here we go.
Oh, there Oh, my Lord, oh, that's really poor.
There we go.
Wow, that is more like some sort of colouring in you've done.
That is how I sign.
That's my signature.
Now, we only have 100 more documents to do, so let's keep the banter light.
Come on.
After that brief bout of work, Dara has certainly earned a break.
- Hey, Richard.
- Hi, Dara.
This is like the social high point of the day, really, in office life.
Who am I spending my break time with? You're spending it with four junior members of Daft Punk.
Nao robots are some of the most versatile in the world.
They're used as electronic companions as well as teachers and have a huge following among programmers.
And when it comes to making tea, they are the shizz.
Is? Yes, the tea bag is near the water.
- Yes.
- And now we're out.
- Look at that.
- And this will be a weak cup of tea, Richard.
Fortunately, they can be programmed to do a number of other jobs and can walk, talk and see.
- There we go.
- Think of how much more efficient this is than the normal preparation method.
'Fresh from that triumph, 'I summoned my staff to the boardroom for a one-to-one.
' Representing me whilst I remain bed-bound is Robothespian, a machine purpose-built to present information in an engaging way.
Motion sensitive controllers track my hand and head movements and give me a far greater range of gesture and expression than I possess in real life.
'Dara, I'm going to ask you which gadget 'do you think has been the most successful? 'I mean, they've all triumphed, 'but if you had to pick one?' I would have to say, probably the signature robot - 'Yes.
' - .
because it's given me any number of legal loopholes with which to sue you.
'Well, it's a shame that it should have come to this, Dara, because' BOARDROOM MUSIC FROM THE APPRENTICE 'I'm having a look at my organisation 'and I can't see you fitting in.
'You're not a team player.
' I'm literally the only person in your organisation.
'Despite occasional flashes of brilliance' Who, who? '.
with regret, I have to inform you, Dara' - What are you pointing at? - '.
the white board and you 'are both fired.
' Well, I hope you enjoy your virtual office.
'Good luck in your future business endeavours.
'You'll need it 'because you couldn't sell fish to someone who needed fish, 'or something that he would say that 'was pithy and sounded from the streets.
' Can I thank you for the opportunity? - 'Just sling your hook, you're fired.
' - OK.
Proof, if it were ever in doubt, that we can look forward to a future dominated by robots, where interpersonal relationships of warmth and basic humanity are consigned to history.
Oh, happy day.
Oh, can't get Wi-Fi.
I'm pregnant.
Next time, it's date night.
- Oh.
- Bang.
Can gadgets help love's course run smooth? She's got no pulse.
Tom, Tom, she's flat lined.
Begin CPR immediately.

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