Gadget Man (2012) s04e03 Episode Script

Date Night

Welcome to another loosely themed, be-gadgeted barnstormer of a broadcast, impassively fronted by a man who persists with the stage name Richard Ayoade.
'And tonight, I'm adding rom to com 'to find out if gadgets can bring some much-needed order 'to that most ungovernable of human emotions, love.
' I'm pregnant.
I'm adapting existing gadgets to a new purpose to make romance more efficient and less like the uphill struggle I hear it can sometimes be.
- Oh.
- Bang.
But can technology help the course of love run smooth? I don't want to alarm you, Tom, but your BPM is 96, calm it down, you're at 96, Tom.
Before we unfurl this triage of romance, relationships and technology, I must issue a perhaps devastating warning - this brother is spoken for.
But it doesn't mean that I can't pretend to be interested in the romantic fortunes of others, especially if gadgets are involved and don't worry, this isn't going to be some kind of pre-watershed Ann Summers party.
I'm going to make this factual, rigorous and scientific, the precise qualities we should be looking for in our relationships.
For me, romance begins and potentially ends in the home, a place I would rather never leave and now there's literally no reason, because I possess an Optoma GT1080.
'It's a projector which allows me 'to turn the room into any romantic location of my choice.
'I could've gone for any copyright-free image 'but I've settled on this never-before-seen vista 'of downtown Paris.
' Candles have long been considered the natural choice for romantic lighting, but what's sexy about a fire hazard, or indeed the word sexy? Far better are these Philips Hue lights, programmed to change to any one of 16 million colours to suit my volcanically unstable moods and activated when I update my status or send one of my countess tweets.
So all I have to do is type "#purple romance" and lo the scene for purple-y romance is set.
Now, no bog-standard romantic ambience would be complete without wine consumption.
'Or appropriate power tools, 'so I use the Bosch IXO Vino, 'turning a cordless screwdriver into an electric corkscrew.
' It's de-corked.
'With corks removed 'and lights too low for proper visibility, 'the stage is almost set for romance to partially unleash itself.
'I just need the right sounds.
' But what the clef will best fit the mood? How can I choose between creepily smooth jazz and terrible R&B? Well, now I don't have to choose between those limited options, because the Traktor Kontrol S8 allows me to create my own romantic mash-ups.
With hi-res displays that react to touch-sensitive controls, the S8 lets you drop beats like they're too hot to hold safely.
With seamless mixing, my pretend love groove is now massively operational.
You've just watched me create the perfect ambience for my fictional love interest, but what about those not as far advanced on their romantic journeys? Can gadgets help these losers make a good first impression? For assistance in this matter, two comedians who are willing, for a one-off cash fee, to talk about the horrors of single life, Tom Rosenthal and Katherine Ryan.
- Hello, Katherine.
- Hello.
- Hello, Tom.
- Hello.
Thank you for agreeing to join me here.
We are in a bar.
This is where people meet one another, supposedly, and they make their first impressions.
What about overheating? - Mm.
- Yeah, constant problem.
- That can happen, can't it? - Yeah.
'And, because some people remain unseduced by excessive sweet, 'I'm giving Tom the Procool Co2 System, 'which brings comfort to athletes, firefighters, 'and now a person on this show!' This is going to cool you down, leaving you free to enjoy the date without worry about becoming hot like a firefighter, OK? - So, will you pop this on for me? - Happy to.
Thank you so much.
Why wouldn't you just dress like a firefighter? That would be my solution.
Katherine, don't think we're not going to use our time wisely because I'm going to show you something that'll blow your mind.
- The mirror handbag.
- Oh! 'For awkward silences, like this one' '.
it's an app-controlled smart clutch 'that can display words of your choosing to gee along conversation.
' - How about "I'm pregnant"? - At the moment? I'm not, but I mean, I think I would like to go into a first date with him thinking that I was to see what kind of man he is.
OK, I'm going to put "I'm pregnant at the moment" in.
Wow, this is actually the best thing I've ever seen.
You don't even need to talk to the person, you How about, "It's not yours.
"? I was going to type in, "Are you?" just to kick off a bit of an exchange, because it felt just statement heavy.
This is why I'm not dating.
I don't think a lot about the other person.
Yeah, feel free to put it down.
Tom, you look great.
You look like you're part of a SWAT team, which is attractive, but the important question is, is your torso cool? Yeah, it's being properly cooled.
And that's a CO2 gas working.
It's really amazing.
I struggle a lot on dates with like a hot middle.
I mean, the lowest point of it has to be carting that around.
It is a flask.
I feel like a stepdad on a hike, you know what I mean? Yes, but that's a good look.
He is hissing a bit.
Yeah, I am making a noise, I'll be honest.
Yes, but often on dates it's not a bad idea to do a low hiss, to make them realise it's not just going to be plain sailing.
- No.
- Let's talk lies, OK? They happen on dates.
I've read it on Wikipedia, but if you fit your date with this, the Kokoro lie detector, straight in from Japan by chopper this morning, and you fit your date with it, you'll be alerted if they're lying.
- I'm going to put it on.
- Thank you.
There - you go.
'This discreet headset reads changes in your pulse, 'and flashes red if it thinks you're lying.
' Are you having a nice time on Gadget Man? I'm having a great time on Gadget Man.
You're an excellent liar! You're a sociopath.
This is what we're finding out.
OK, now What, I just laughed.
Is that a lie?! So that was a fake laugh.
You didn't find that funny! - Oh! - No, I think she's really funny, she's really You're malfunctioning! 'While the cooler vest and lie detector clearly triumph 'in the fields of romantic assistance, 'only the chat bag has any talk 'when it comes to making a good first impression.
'But, Tom and Katherine's work is not yet at an end.
'The pool of guests willing to work with me is practically dry, 'so they're contracted to be back in part two 'for the dramatic climax of this romantic investigation.
' In the interests of research, and for a slightly increased fee, Tom has agreed to see whether gadgets can help him with the fateful next step, the make or break blind date with a genuine stranger.
All I need now is a rolodex of romance-related tech to help me ensure this encounter stands a chance of a happy ending.
Not a euphemism.
But how? Time to call my technical support staff.
Yes, I need a rolodex of romance-related tech.
It's not a euphemism.
While we wait for that gripping scenario to unfold, let's join three people masquerading as representatives of the entire population - my all new public panel.
This week they're rigorously testing gadgets designed to keep you fresh on a so-called date.
Furry teeth can be date kryptonite, but luckily help is at hand.
The Oral B Pro 6500 connects to an app which acts like your own personal trainer.
So, top right it's showing me.
You've got two minutes.
Well, this is already great television.
- Would you like to take a look? - I'd love to take the wheel.
- Now we're going for the tongue.
- Yes.
'And, in a long overdue innovation to oral hygiene maintenance, 'the app provides brushing tips, 'alongside local weather and fun facts.
' Sailfish, swordfish, and marlin are the fastest fish in the ocean, reaching speeds of up to 70mph.
The only thing I can see here is you're going to need two people to do your teeth.
You need an oral hygiene assistant with you at all times.
Intersection with a moist and/or pungent armpit can cause a date to descend into bitter recrimination, so thank betsy for the world's first smart eco deodorant.
An app sets your preferences and one click dispenses the optimum amount.
Putting deodorant on, to me, is a routine task.
I can do it with my eyes shut.
Pss-pss, pss-pss.
You just do it naturally, don't you? And what about the light? I don't know of anybody yet that does it in the dark.
It's a gimmick.
And if you're in any doubt about the current savagery of your breath, the Tanita Breath Checker gives you a rating from nought to six.
That's pretty average.
I suppose on a date, this is an ideal thing to have.
When you might get a kiss at the end, you can just check your breath before you go in for that first kiss.
- Five! - Oh, stay away from me.
It's all right.
It's not the best thing I've ever come across.
This wine's not too bad.
So, you seem to have been testing gadgets.
Which triumphed? In first place was the Oral Pro 6500.
Well, the news has come in, and they're going with the Oral B toothbrush.
Coming up, my ratings-beating scientific examination of the intersection between love and gadgets turns to romantic gestures.
Yes, we will enjoy tonight, but we will soon be dust.
And we take a digital date, live.
She's got no pulse.
Tom, Tom, she's flat-lined, begin CPR immediately! If looking at gadgets isn't enough, why not try and win some in our series-long prize draw? We've got an amazing stash up for grabs, including an ultra-high definition LG 4K TV, Apple MacBook Pro and iPhone 6, a Sony PS4 plus a Microsoft XBox One console, a Canon SLR camera, and a barrel-load more besides.
All in all, it's a prize worth over £20,000.
To see the full list of everything included in this bumper prize bundle, visit: Or you can enter by post.
Just send your name and daytime phone number on the back of a stamped postcard or on the back of a sealed envelope.
Good luck! 'If, for some reason, you watched part one, you'll already know that 'I've plundered deep from gadget's funnel, 'adapting a whole range of technologies to a new end, 'in my attempt to help romance blossom.
' - That was a fake laugh.
You didn't find that funny! - Oh-ho! 'And in a matter of mins, we'll see if my technical support staff 'have risen to the challenge of synthesising technology 'to maximise the chances of a successful first date.
' But first, unless you manage your relationships with a cyborg-like coldness, there will be times when you may feel compelled to make a romantic gesture to express either enthusiasm or, more frequently, apologies to your co-respondent.
Stereotypically, such gestures involve flowers, chocolates or white-water rafting.
'But why waste time on ancient guff like that, when technology can 'help us navigate the tedious terrain to happy ever after?' En route, I've got a rendezvous with a married man, who despite this, is well versed in romantic gestures.
It's Sanjeev Bhaskar.
- Sanjeev.
- Ah, Richard.
- Thank you for joining me.
- Now, we're here to talk about romance - Mmm.
- .
as usual.
We generally meet up every week and discuss affairs of the heart and - You do.
- What do you feel are the most of romantic of gestures? - It's nice to, kind of, have so much affection for someone - Yes.
that they give you things.
Make them pay you back for the time you've put in.
Which brings us to the question of 3D chocolate printing.
Prepare to have your third eye opened.
This 3D chocolate printer can print any design as a complete entity or onto other chocolates, cakes or biscuits.
But to quote, yet again, from UK garage duo, Shanks and Bigfoot, will the end result be "sweet like chocolate"? As far as 3D printing chocolate goes, that's the finest I've ever had.
That's pretty good.
Next, I must woo Sanjeev with another romantic cliche, reborn as gadget.
Here we are.
The P-I-A-N-O.
'The need to master Richard Clayderman's natural habitat, 'is blown clean out of the water by the P-I-A-N-O.
' MUSIC: Fur Elise by Beethoven 'Its interactive projection system beams down the keys 'you need to hit, allowing the novice to serenade like a modern day 'Tony Mortimer from East 17.
' It's a classical piece, isn't it? Yeah.
- I can't remember Is it Beethoven is it? - Yes.
- I imagine that that's how Beethoven first played it.
- It's close.
Yes, he composed it without being able to play piano, which is one of the remarkable things about Beethoven, that's why his head was so huge.
'With our bromance already intensifying, 'we telepathically resolve to crank things up to level seven.
' Sanjeev, picture this doomsday scenario.
It's a romantic night, but the flowers have not arrived.
What do you do? Do you panic? Yeah, you panic, you get angry, you rail against the system.
Or do you engage the Holo-Gauze? - Oh! - Bang! It's like flowers have appeared in complete three-dimensional solidity before your very eyes.
The Holo-Gauze is a revolutionary, highly transparent screen, that can display a virtual bouquet, making real flowers an embarrassing redundancy.
It mimics the turntable that I put all of my flowers on in my house.
SANJEEV LAUGHS And also, what I like about this particular bunch of flowers, is it reminds us that we all die.
It has a bleakness, it has an austerity, we must be reminded of death.
A memento mori, if we will, that, yes, we will enjoy tonight, but we will soon be dust.
And once you've hit them with the slowly-rotating flowers of death, you get out the Ring Cam.
What I think is an inappropriate title, it conjures up something very invasive.
- But, say you're proposing to someone.
- Yes.
- You want to document that moment.
- Yeah.
- You don't wanna just remember it - Yeah.
as a romantic thing that happened off the cuff and dissipates! You want to film the woman.
'A high-def hidden camera built into the box, with a recording time 'of up to 90 minutes, for those given to filibustering, 'Ring Cam makes sure you'll always be able to 'digitally review the transaction.
' - Oh - No, ah, don't Sorry, bad angle.
Here we go.
- Yeah? - Yeah? Is this disposable, then? Or do you use the same case for another ring? - You could use this for multiple proposals.
- Oh, right, OK.
You can just keep going until someone says "yes".
- Till the authorities catch up with you.
- Exactly.
We've had a series of triumphs here.
But which gadget did you like the best? It's going to be the flowers of death, actually.
Well, Sanjeev, I'm going to leave you just to revel in its majesty.
I'm going to try and walk out without ripping the gauze.
- Erm, sorry, destroyed the illusion.
- Ooh Also, you could probably use this to trap trout, so - Multifunctional.
- Yep.
'The marriage of technology and romantic gestures, 'a thumping success.
'It's time to find out whether gadgets can handle shizz, 'out in the field.
' Thanks to the efforts of my technical support staff, it's what golfers call a "slam dunk".
'In a few short minutes, comedian Tom Rosenthal, who has already 'given his first impressions on gadgets to create good 'first impressions, will be creating his own first impression on 'a blind date with Anna, a genuine, real-life single member of 'the human race, that we're all supposedly a part of.
'To ensure total mastery of his domain, Katherine Ryan and I 'will be monitoring Tom's every move and word, in a way that will 'somehow not be creepy or wrong, or like the film Sliver, using the 'whole heap of technical shizz not usually employed 'for amorous endeavours.
'This is how all dates should be conducted.
' 'Muscular Tom is sporting a vest more often found tucked round 'the torsos of health researchers, athletes and astronauts, 'which will tell us if he's excited or stressed.
'He'll also be hearing our voices, expertly coaching him 'through the tunnels of true love.
- Hello.
- Hello, how are you? Very well, thanks.
I'm Tom, nice to meet you.
- Tom, nice to meet you.
- Hello, Anna.
This is very nice.
The double kiss.
- I think we should "cheers".
- Indeed, here's to a date.
He's already used the word "indeed".
It's over.
KATHERINE LAUGHS 'To monitor their mood, we're tooled up with software 'that interprets the emotional content of a conversation.
' Well, the emotional diamond's telling us "shy".
She's confident.
'Layered voice analysis technology, more commonly used for 'fraud prevention and call centre quality control, supposedly detects 'minute involuntary changes in the voice, 'thus reflecting various types of brain activity.
' It's good.
I almost think that they didn't need to trademark it, because I don't think anyone else is going to try and do this.
Whatwhat sort of TV shows are you into? - I like Keeping Up With The Kardashians.
- So, I know Kim - Yeah.
- She has the - Bum.
- Buttocks, yes.
- Yep.
I don't want to alarm you, Tom, but your BPM is 96, calm down.
you're at 96, calm it down.
You're at 96, Tom! Calm it down! Kourtney and Khloe, I'd probably say you're talking - about Khloe then Oh, Kourtney? Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Tom, your hands look very aggressive.
Just back it off, Tom.
I don't think she wanted Tom! His Tell him his BPM's at 101.
'Whilst Tom's Smart Vest is relaying info on his physical state, 'we need to know where Anna's head's at.
'We could do something dumb, like ask her, 'but instead, we sensibly elect to record her electrodermal activity 'with the Empatica E4, which shows us 'her heart rate and level of "arousal".
' You mentioned you'd buy her anything she wanted.
Suggest a nose job.
Offer to buy her a nose job, see how she takes that.
- What if I could buy you anything? - Yeah? Would you like me to buy you a nose job? Erm, not really, I No, I wouldn't like that, either, I - Because if anyone needs a nose job, it would be me.
- I'm a bit scared of surgery and stuff.
Back out, Tom, her arousal has gone down.
Tom! Take this in.
What I've heard is that it's very good if you give a compliment and then a negative immediately afterwards.
So just say, "Nice hair, you bloody idiot.
" KATHERINE LAUGHS - Yeah, um - Nice hair.
- Thanks very much.
Bloody idiot.
'With future marriage a mere formality, I yearn to see what 'happens when Tom takes it up a notch with some timely tricep dips.
' Excuse me, I'm just going to ANNA LAUGHS Isn't it, yeah? - Yeah, I mean, that's brilliant! - That's two.
'I'm quite impressed with your' The arousal's gone through the roof with his tricep dips! It's right up there.
Well done! You can sit back on your chair now.
ANNA LAUGHS 'As the food-based element of their dinner date arrives' - Oh, thank you.
- '.
Tom's on fire.
' Let's eat thatnice food.
ANNA LAUGHS 'But the readings seemed to contradict 'what we know in our hearts.
' Tom, you're in a rut.
Your emotional diamond is just pointing towards shy and stressful.
We're going to give you some lines from the Random Pick-up Generator.
'For faltering conversation, I've specifically commissioned software 'directly linked to the retrieved joke ring-binders of Bob Monkhouse.
' "Do you have any raisins?" Do you have any raisins? Any raisins? No.
"How about another date then?" How about another date then? Oh! I get it, I get it.
Oh, Tom.
The arousal just absolutely plummeted, it was like the Depression here.
'Temperature's another sure-fire giveaway, 'so we're employing a camera that's often used in property maintenance.
' I can see that Anna's got a very cold nose.
She's losing heat Tom.
She's losing heat fast.
She's got no pulse Tom, Tom, she's flatlined! Begin CPR immediately! 'As Anna draws the date to a natural close, 'gadgets have allowed Cupid's shaft to strike home.
' You did drink more of the wine than me, technically, but happy to cover the cost.
- I think we've done an incredible job.
- The nose is still cold, but I think that may be a blood supply problem on her part.
The confidence has been slightly knocked, so he's done his job, he's still as shy as he used to be, his BPM's out of control.
What I think we can probably tell, is that both these people need a full medical rundown and if you get that at the end of a date, an incentive to live longer and get things checked out - that you really ought to have got checked out before - Yeah.
I think that's a success.
We're saving lives.
Thank you.
'Whilst the application of real-time analysis and mentoring 'has been a triumph, 'sadly, not even I can marshal the emotions of others.
' It seems that however scientific, rigorous and factual you try to be in affairs of the heart, people remain stubbornly and wilfully unbiddable.
Problems that can't even be overcome by gadgets.
Next time - health and safety.
How gadgets can help you protect the things you love ROBOT: The house is secure.
avoid danger This really is on fire.
and stay safe .
whatever happens.

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