Gamer's Guide To Pretty Much Everything (2015) s01e04 Episode Script

The Chair

Ah, Derek's Discount Pizza.
The best pizza three bucks can buy.
How can they afford to make a pizza for three bucks? Because Derek's a smart businessman who knows how to maximize profits.
Or because he puts ketchup on a newspaper and covers it in cheese.
Looks like Derek cut it into five slices again! Well, I'm twice as awesome as you guys, - so I'll just take the extra slice.
- You want it? Let's arm wrestle for it.
What? No way.
That's not fair.
I mean, uh for you.
Hey, guys.
We're a team now.
- Whatever we get, we should share.
- Hey, what's this? The new X3000 gaming chair our team got that I'm not gonna share.
- What?! - Thief! - Blasphemer! I've only read about the X3000.
It's the most powerful interactive gaming chair ever made.
Oh, I wanna get my buns in this thing.
Your buns couldn't handle this thing.
You don't know what my buns can handle, Wendell.
All right, fine.
Even though they clearly sent the chair to us because of me, we'll compromise.
You guys can have the extra slice, I'm keeping the chair.
No way.
We're sharing this chair equally between the four of us.
- I'll go get my mom's chainsaw.
- Okay, hold on.
You guys are right.
This chair was sent to our team, and that's all of us.
So here's what we do.
We'll hold a contest and game for it.
Winner gets the chair.
I'll pick one at random.
- How about Arctic Warfare? - How about - Volleyball Hero? - Uh, how about - Monster Truck Bloodbath? - How about yeah, I'm not good at any of these games.
That's true.
Franklin's not good at any game, so how about we let him decide which arctic-based warfare game we're gonna play.
Franklin, it's your choice.
You choose the game, and that's what we'll play.
- Right, guys? - I guess - Whatever.
In that case, we'll play the game of no gaming.
- I'm sorry? - What? - Blasphemer! The chair shall go to whoever lasts the longest without gaming.
Oh! So we can only game on our phones.
No! You can game on nothing.
Now, hand over all of your gaming gear.
You know what? I'm in.
Well, if he's in, I'm twice as in.
Ashley? Ashley? Ashley? You are a sick, twisted little man! 1x04 - The Chair I can't take it.
How many days has it been since we stopped gaming? - Uh, four minutes, sir.
- Oh, man, this is terrible.
Uh, Ashley, you okay? You don't look too good.
- I'm hearing voices.
- That was me.
- Oh, there they go again.
- This is crazy.
You know what? We can still game.
We just gotta go old school.
- Super Kart Man? - Pony Kong? No.
We're gonna play this.
What is it? It's a board game.
It's called Whoopsie.
- I'll be the car.
- I'll be the boot.
- I'll be the frying plan.
- I'll be the laundry basket.
Okay, everybody put your piece on the start line.
- Franklin, your roll.
- Okay.
Uh, it's not moving.
Maybe the batteries are dead.
There are no batteries.
You move the piece by hand.
What are we, animals? Two, three, four, five, six.
- Four.
- That's a whoopsie.
You have to say "whoopsie" and move your piece back two.
Okay, I'm not doing that.
You have to, or you get sent to the "Uh-oh pit.
" Fine.
That is so dumb.
- One, two, three.
- Ooh, you got a yowza card.
"Say whoopsie three times.
" Whoopsie.
What's all that, Wendell? I did al my homework for the next year.
It turns out I have a lot of free time when I'm not gaming.
You know, I really thought one of you would've caved by now, and I'd be one step closer to getting that chair.
What's that sound? That's the sound of thumbs mashing buttons.
And I know those nimble thumbs.
Come on, come on, you can do this.
Level up, level up.
Yeah! It's not what it looks like.
Really? 'Cause it looks like you're pretending to play a video game with a calculator and a hamster.
That's not a hamster.
He's a warlord from Narloo running on a plasma wheel to power his ship.
Uh, your warlord just ate a piece of his own poop.
You say poop, I say power pellet.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Hey, you're the one who dressed like it's picture day at St.
Well, Conor didn't technically break the rules.
- Everyone's still in.
- For now.
You guys are never going to make it.
You know why? Girls have stronger willpower.
- What's all this? - Video game company Funtendo has taken over our school today, which means no classes, all gaming.
I'm out! Man, I've been sending in applications to have Funtendo take over our school for the past five years, and today is the day I win? I hate stuff! Ashley, I can't believe you're playing the original version of Moon Blaster.
You know what makes it even better? I'm playing at school.
Can I smell your controller hand when you're done? - I call sweaty seconds.
- No, go forward.
And hit the gas.
You're only going 20 miles an hour.
Well, I am in a construction zone, and I wanna be safe.
It's a racing game.
Now hit the nitro! I thought you liked video games, Conor.
- You should play.
- You stop peer pressuring me.
As principal, you have to provide an alternative activity for those of us who choose not to game.
Now, I want something to do.
I see Lunch Lady Doreen is going buns over tea kettle for Donkey Bonanza.
Maybe you can help out in the kitchen.
Those fellas just whipped right by me - like a couple of speedy demons.
- That's why it's called Speedy Demons! Oh, good.
A police officer.
He will pull them over.
Me? Why me? I didn't do anything.
I can't get pulled over.
I've got unpaid parking tickets.
I'm not going to the big house.
Not today, fuzz! Wow, we have a "B" from the health board? - That's actually pretty good.
- That's not a "B.
" Hey, roaches, beat it! Okay, we're makin' a fruit salad, so pay attention.
- It gets pretty complicated.
- You cut up fruit and put it in a bowl.
Oh! Look who went to fancy chef college.
Now, I'll get the fruit and you slice 'em, but don't cut the avocados.
The pits will dull our knives.
Oh, this fruit box is really heavy.
Just toss 'em over.
Hey, keep 'em comin'.
Game on.
Oh! So beautiful! You think you're better than me, Mr.
Fancy Chef College? No.
Well, at least I wouldn't say it out loud.
You're trying to take my job! Now, many say the Mayflower Compact was the blueprint for a democratic society in the New World.
Wow! I think I just used something in my head - that I've never used before.
- It's called your brain.
It's giving me thinky bubbles.
- Those are thoughts.
- What have I become? Ah! Stupid dragon ate me again.
I thought I had a shield.
Uh, activation is achieved by triple tapping the red button.
You know how to play this game? - Yeah, I presently hold the high score.
- You're Ginger Buns? Yeah, but I'm taking a little gaming sabbatical.
It means a break.
It's okay.
I used to be dumb, too.
It's too bad you don't play, 'cause if you'd help me slay one little dragon, I'd be so grateful.
I'd give you a big long kiss.
I am so glad you can't see my thinky bubbles right now.
Are you gonna slay my dragon, Ginger Buns? I'm out! So, gamers, you wanna know how to survive without gaming? Well, ask somebody else, because I don't know! It's impossible.
It's like trying not to breathe, or pee in a hot shower.
It was down to me and Franklin to win that chair.
I just had to keep my head down and get through the rest of the school day without losing it.
I can do this.
I can do this.
Step right up, Conor.
Play a game.
Play with us, Conor.
You're a gamer.
You're a gamer.
- You're a gamer.
- No!! - Sheesh! What's wrong with him? - No idea.
Wanna go see what they're serving for lunch? Sure, let's go.
That was close.
Dude, I just got to level 35 in Arctic Warfare.
You're on level 35 in Arctic Warfare? I'm only on 34.
How are you on 35?! There's a glitch.
You can camp out in the glacier and rack up mad XP.
But I heard the company's gonna patch it up any minute.
I don't think I can last much longer.
I saw a kid playing Turtle Taxi, and I started to sweat.
I should just throw in the towel, because there's no way Conor's going out.
I'm out! It can't be! That means Franklin's the only one left.
Guys, I think he might win this thing.
I'm the winner! I get the chair! There's losing, and then there's losing to him.
- How could you do this to us? - I couldn't help it! I heard about a glitch in Arctic Warfare, but they must've patched it before I got in there.
I was just climbing up and down the glacier like an idiot.
Well, congratulations to all in a fair competition.
Now if you'll excuse me, my buns and I have a date with the X3000 gaming chair.
Shall we, ladies? Well, I guess the little squirt got lucky.
Well, speaking of luck, looks like my lady is coming back for seconds.
Hope you guys aren't averse to public displays of affection.
It's about to get PG-13 up in here.
I bet the PG stands for pretty gross.
- Have you guys seen Franklin? - The name's Wendell, baby.
He owes me five bucks for pretending to like this one.
- This one? I'm your Ginger Buns! - I should've asked for 20.
Wait a minute.
Franklin put her up to that? But why would he Hey, did you guys really find a glitch in Arctic Warfare? No, we just said we did, 'cause some mousey kid gave us gift cards for this tasty seafood sampler.
- Want a blow hole? - No.
I'll take it.
That's for tricking my friend Conor! Guys, Franklin played us like a fiddle! Maybe he played you two scrubs, but not me.
I only lost 'cause Funtendo showed up, and I have no willpower.
Franklin didn't have anything to do with that.
Oh, there you are, Wendell.
Funtendo wanted you to have this special medallion - for your act of bravery.
- Oh, well, thank you very much.
Uh, excuse me.
What act of bravery did you do? - What act of bravery did I do? - Stop being modest.
The only reason Funtendo came was because Franklin told them about you single-handedly pushing a beached baby whale back into the ocean.
Well, it's all about leverage.
See, if you get low and push with your legs Wendell.
You didn't do that.
It sounds like something I'd do.
You're welcome, Principal Nordahl.
- I can't believe Franklin set us all up.
- He's a cheatin' rat.
No, he's not a cheatin' rat.
He's a smart rat.
Franklin may not be great at video games, - but he played this game perfectly.
- Oh, really? Well, how do you know I didn't play him? 'Cause he's the one in the chair.
Yeah, but I kissed a girl, and he paid for it.
Guys, you gotta admit, our sweet, innocent little Franklin just might be a mad genius.
Ah, those poor suckers never saw it coming! This is the greatest day of my life.
Mommy! Mommy! Okay, my turn.
You landed on a double whoopsie.
- You know what that means.
- Yeah, I do.
Whoopsie, whoopsie.
I'm so glad Funtendo made a video game version of Whoopsie.
Now this game is actually fun.
My turn.
- Yes! - A group yowza.
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