Gamer's Guide To Pretty Much Everything (2015) s01e13 Episode Script

The Longest Yard

Okay, great news, guys.
We're going to the biggest event of the year.
We're going to the dump for Burn-a-palooza! This year, I'm burning my parents' wedding album.
No one wants to see those two kissing.
He clearly means the lizard fashion show down at the zoo.
This year, turtlenecks are not just for turtles.
No, he's talking about my birthday party that I've been planning for months, right? Of course we're going to that.
It's next Satu - Mon Tuesday? - Sunday! Sunday.
Of course.
Uh, but this weekend, we're going to a party hosted by the creator of Pirate Assassin.
He was so impressed with how we did in our latest tournament, he's gonna let us preview the next version of the game.
And get this.
It's on a yacht! - Cool! - I love yachts.
The upper deck for dancing.
- The lower deck for dining.
- And the poop deck for - That's not what it's for.
- Oh, we'll see about that.
Sorry, sir.
We can't go this weekend.
We'll all be in detention.
Detention? But we didn't do anything wrong.
BOTH: Wendell.
Hey, if Janice didn't want her car filled with cow manure, she shouldn't have left her keys in her purse.
No, it's got nothing to do with that.
It's Freak Week.
Oh! The one week every year Spanks stops bragging about being a punter, and gives everyone detention.
Come on.
It can't be that bad.
[bell rings.]
Bad posture.
Too smiley.
Oh, weird shoes.
I've got an idea.
Uh, Mr.
I can't have detention, 'cause I have to visit my grandma in the hospital.
Sorry to hear that.
Hope your sick granny feels better, because she's got detention! - What is wrong with this guy? - All right, everybody.
Pick up your books and don't look at me.
Why did you let me down, Lucy? We were so good together.
Do you know where the school shovel is? Looks like some cows got into my car again.
Cows! Ha! I, uh don't have the shovel.
But you just scooped yourself up a big steaming pile of detention.
I hate Freak Week.
[title music.]
1x13 - The Longest Yard So, gamers, on my first day of Freak Week, Mr.
Spanks gave Saturday detention to 37 students, six teachers, and one fern.
You want water? [chuckles.]
How about you take a nice drink of detention?! Luckily, he hasn't gotten me yet, which means I still have a chance [cell phone rings.]
Hang on one second.
- [beep.]
- Detention! Maybe we can put an end to Freak Week if we figure out - who this Lucy is.
- I bet it was a girl that dumped him.
Or a dog that ran away.
Or a girl that ran away.
Or a dog that dumped him.
[phone beeping.]
Oh, well, good luck figuring it out.
I've gotta find Franklin.
He's trying out to be the school mascot since Ricky Delaney didn't quite make it - through the flaming hoop.
- Aw, that's nice.
You're goin' down to show your support and cheer Franklin on? Yeah, that sounds like a Wendell thing to do.
Franklin's dressed like a big, dumb bird.
I couldn't ask for a better target.
Hey, guys, I sat on a stool in there.
- Was the paint still wet? - Thank you.
- Don't even.
- Come on! We've gone through all the yearbooks and newspapers from when Spanks went to school here, and there's not a single Lucy.
Wait, yes, there is.
Listen to what Spanks said in this old interview.
"Lucy means the world to me, even though she's hairy, prone to rashes, and covered in pimples.
" Oh.
This Lucy girl sounds like a real catch.
No, Lucy isn't a girl.
It's what he calls his leg.
- Now it all makes sense.
- Yeah.
He dated his leg.
All right.
I'm gonna start out with the egg, since it goes with the whole rooster theme.
Then I'll move up to the bowling ball, since it goes with the whole "hurting Franklin" theme.
Easy, ladies.
I'm not the mascot yet.
[raucous laughter.]
Cheerleaders like mascots? I never knew that.
Look at him, all cool, happy, and confident.
Oh, I gotta put an end to that.
Just a moment, ladies.
Looks like the egg's on him.
Wait, wait, you're laughing at that?! But he didn't even say it right.
The yolk's on me.
The yolk's on me! I don't know why you guys need this old VCR.
I'm the only one that even uses it anymore.
"Lifeguards Doing Push-ups"? Let me throw this in the trash.
All right.
Here's the tape from the last high school game Spanks ever played in.
Hopefully it'll answer some questions about Lucy.
MAN: And out comes the school's beloved punter.
Oh, there he is.
He looks so young.
This young man has a full-ride scholarship to Fresno State.
He's got a big leg, and an attitude to match, but when you got the school punting record, you've earned it.
Spanks had the high school punting record? Why wouldn't he mention that? He brags about everything.
Here's the snap, and breaking through the line are those dirty Yubans.
And Spanks launches a beautiful punt in the wrong direction! Yuba recovers for the score to win the state championship.
But more importantly, the negative yardage from that punt will cost him his school record.
I wonder if young Marion Spanks knows this will haunt him forever.
This will haunt me forever! Why, Lucy?! Why?! I think I know a way we can help him.
I can't believe he punted in the wrong direction.
I can't believe his first name is Marion.
[blows whistle.]
Come on, Donnelly.
You should've had that! Are you giving me the look? - Hey, I give the looks around here! - Uh, Coach Wilson.
No one's out there.
Players aren't the only ones that practice, Conor.
So help me, I will come out there and ring your bell! How can I help you, son? Uh, well I was going through the athletic records, and I saw something interesting about one of our team's former players, Marion Spanks.
Oh, Spanks.
Yeah, I've heard of that kid.
One of the best punters this school has ever seen.
Lost the school record and went off the deep end.
- Who knows where he is now.
- Actually, he's a teacher.
- Oh, good for him.
- Yeah, he teaches here at Mondale.
Oh, hit rock bottom, huh? You know, I've seen football drive a man crazy.
Keppler, just because you're not here does not mean you can slack off! - Are you seein' this? - Uh, no, I'm not.
Anyway, since Spanks sat out with chicken pox his freshman year, he technically still has some athletic eligibility left.
And you wanna know if he can play in the last game of the season so he can get his record back.
Actually, yeah, that's exactly right.
Yeah, it happens more than you'd think.
Last week, we had a 75-year-old tight end in here.
Tell you what.
If it means that much to you, - Spanks is our punter.
- Oh, great.
Freak Week is about to end, and I'm gettin' on that yacht.
You know you're talkin' to yourself, right? Weirdo.
Give me an "E"! [sighs.]
" - Give me an "R!" - "R.
" - Give me an "S!" - "S.
" And what does that spell?! Um, "my name is Franklin Delgado.
My hobbies include video games and lizards, and I'd like very much to be your mascot.
- P.
Go, Roosters.
" - Yeah! Well, that certainly was a long cheer.
But the fact is, you've got school spirit, you put yourself out there, and, well, you're the only person who showed up.
So I would officially like to name you our [music.]
We are the Roosters, fighting in flocks, all the other teams can eat a bag of rocks! Whoa! Wendell's our new mascot! - What?! But you hate him! - I know.
But he brought the moves, and he put some stank on it.
Yeah, I'm the new mascot.
I got stank, too.
All right, let's go [weakly.]
Okay, he's obviously really sensitive right now, so we have to be very gentle when we say We found out you punted backwards - and ruined your life, Marion.
- Gah! Or you could just go right at it.
Oh, so, now you know.
You're enjoying this, aren't you? Seeing perfect Mr.
Spanks is actually human.
No, we're here to help you get your record back.
We arranged it so you could punt for Mondale one last time.
- Really? - Okay, here's the deal, Mr.
If we help you get your record back, you call off Saturday's detention.
You got a deal.
[snorts loudly.]
All right, time to hit the practice field.
Lucy's locked and loaded.
All right, Franklin, real funny joke.
Give me the real costume.
I'm not wearing this road kill to the game.
Oh, that is the real costume.
The cool one I was wearing was made by my mother and I at our monthly craft battle.
I'm a Ruckus.
I can rock any look.
Ugh, it's wet in here.
Yeah, Ricky Delaney used to keep his sweaty jockstraps in there.
What?! No, get it off! [thud.]
REKT! You know what you're lookin' at, Conor? A guy who should've brought some longer shorts.
You're lookin' at a man who's about to launch this ball into orbit.
So get your telescope out.
It went so far, I can't even see it.
Or it's right there.
Okay, Spanks.
Let's try that again.
Blast off.
Crushed it! So, gamers, we're missing the biggest yacht party of the year because Spanks can't punt a football.
Cramp, cramp.
Things didn't improve until Ashley started using a different strategy.
That's the most pathetic display of kicking I've ever seen, you washed-up has-been! You don't deserve that record.
- There's something wrong with this ball.
- Oh! Really? - Yeah - Oh, okay.
[car alarm blaring.]
Ball's fine.
You're no punter.
You should've been a quarter-back.
- Shut your mouth! - Make me, quarter-back.
We did it! Nice job, Ash.
I knew you wouldn't let me down, Lucy.
You may have been right about him dating his leg.
: That's another big gain for Mondale, and St.
Larry's calls a time out.
[all cheering.]
It's fourth quarter and I haven't had a chance to punt once.
I'll take care of it.
And now, welcome back your mascot, Wendy the Rooster! [booing.]
You can't make me do this.
They hate me in this ratty costume.
I know.
Now get out there! [booing continues.]
Oh, you people can eat a bag of rocks.
All of you! You don't chuck stuff at a chucker.
Yeah, that's more like it.
Now you're comin' around.
Oh, you're cheering for him? Give me an "R" REKT! Uh, what are you doing? Okay, it's third and three.
If St.
Larry's can't stop our team to give Spanks a chance to punt, I will.
I'm gonna go in there, take a fall, and make sure we don't get a first down.
Time out's over.
This should be another easy - first down for Mondale.
- Who are you? [gruff voice.]
Uh, I'm the new transfer student from Bell Gardens.
You told me to go in there.
Then get in there! Hey, Donovan, hit the showers! Game on.
Ham and eggs.
Hash browns.
Hold the toast.
Okay, just hike me the ball.
- Here's the snap.
- Wait! Come back with that! Biff takes the ball.
The quarterback holds him back.
Give it back! He's riding the running back like a pony.
Taken down by the mascot.
It's a fumble.
The quarterback recovers it, he's got two receivers wide open, and he decides to nail his coach.
I'm not sure what the quarterback was thinking there, but for the first time tonight, Mondale has to punt.
All right, Mr.
Spanks, get out there.
If my eyes don't deceive me, I believe our punter is former Mondale legend, Marion Tiffany Spanks.
"Tiffany?" [chuckles.]
Well, Mr.
Spanks, this is working out.
You're getting your punting record back, - and we're getting out of detention.
- Are you kidding me? Detention is still on.
It'll be the perfect time for me to relive my moment of glory, and be embraced as the hero I am! Wait.
But we had a deal.
Deals are made to be broken.
Bring it in! All right, you worthless, pimple-faced hair bags.
These people are here to see me, so don't blow it! You know, gamers, most people are appreciative when you help them.
But most people aren't Mr.
All right, guys, I got a new play.
ALL: Break.
The ball is snapped, and what is this? Both teams are rushing the punter.
And that's the game.
[whistle blows.]
For the rest of his life, this moment will haunt Marion Tiffany Amber Spanks.
BOTH: "Amber?!" Huh.
Well, guess that's the end of the season.
- Pick this up next year? - Sounds good.
[whistle blows.]
So Mr.
Spanks, I'm gonna ask you one more time.
Can we skip detention tomorrow to go to our yacht party? [straining.]
No no.
What was that? Go, go? - Oh.
Thank you, Mr.
- Don't go.
We should all go? Good news, everyone.
Detention's canceled! Yeah! Well, that party was fun.
Especially when that sea lion jumped onboard and ate Wendell's pants off.
That's what he gets for filling his pockets with shrimp from the buffet.
Hey, Ruckus rule number one.
Always stuff your pants with free food.
It's just what we do.
Oh, and joke's on that dumb sea lion.
He didn't get the shrimp in my coat pockets.
See ya, suckers.
[sea lion barking.]
WENDELL: What? How'd you find me here? No.
Bad sea lion! No! [sea lion barking.]
[clears throat.]
Well, he got my pocket shrimps.

Previous EpisodeNext Episode