Gamer's Guide To Pretty Much Everything (2015) s01e14 Episode Script

The Penpal

Franklin, chatting with my fans online is great.
This little kid just said, "Thanks for the help, sir.
" No one's ever called me that before.
I am offended, sir.
Nobody likes a copycat, Franklin.
I've been helping out this guy, Donny the Destroyer, for a couple of days now.
He's stuck on the final level of Prison Escape 8, so I'm giving him my secret tip.
Use a little chewing gum to block the security camera.
You never gave me that tip! Well, you're still stuck on the character selection screen.
But I don't wanna pick the wrong face tattoo.
Those things are forever, you know.
Whatever you guys are talking about, stop! New topic.
The Ruckus has struck again.
Some random girl just sent me this text.
"I wanna kiss you.
Winky face.
" I'm not allowed to look at emojis unless my mother's in the room.
So who is this unlucky lady? I don't know.
I've never seen this number before, but these digits look hot.
Check out that pair of eights.
I'm gonna give her a call using my most sultry voice.
- I call it the - Not the velvet turtle.
Please not the velvet turtle! The velvet turtle.
- I'm out.
- Me, too.
Hey, sweet thing.
Who dis? Wendell? What's wrong with your voice?! Ashley?! Wait, but this isn't your number! Yeah, I got a new phone.
So, did you get my text? You down? 1x14 - The Penpal Hey, gamers.
Here's why you should always be nice to your fans.
You feel good about yourself, you make new friends, and every once in a while, they send you some really cool stuff.
Check it out.
It's me in cheddar.
Thanks, Sprankles93.
- Mm.
This is good.
- This is not good! I was in the bathtub listening to a police scanner, when something weird happened.
- That wasn't the weird part? - A kid named Donny escaped from juvie by putting chewing gum on the security camera.
He broke out, thank to your tips! Okay, I'm sure it's just a really weird coincidence.
Now is no time to panic.
"Hey, Conor, I just broke out of juvie thanks to your tips.
See you soon.
Donny the Destroyer.
" Is this a good time to panic? - Yeah, I'd say now is a good time.
- Okay.
I need some advice from a responsible adult.
But it doesn't look like one's gonna show up, so let me ask you.
Thank you.
That means a lot.
- So a girl sent me this text.
- Ooh, it's a winky face! You better kiss that before you miss that.
I don't wanna kiss that.
I just like her as a friend.
Plus, she's got good posture, she's creative, and she cares about stuff.
- Totally not my type.
- Well, you can't reject her.
She'll be so embarrassed, it'll end your friendship.
I don't wanna do that.
The only thing more annoying than my current friends would be finding new ones.
Well, there's only one thing for you to do.
You have to ask her out on a date.
What? That's the opposite of what I wanna do! Ah, but here comes the Billy twist.
You have to be so disgusting on that date that she loses all romantic interest.
I don't know if I can be disgusting enough for this plan to work.
Oh, no.
Here come the gator tots.
You got a fart jar in here, or should I just let fly? No, no, don't let it fly.
You gotta take that out ooh! You let it fly, didn't ya? There's an escaped convict somewhere out there looking for me.
Okay, until we figure out our next move, we just gotta blend in.
Come on.
You know what? Maybe we're overthinking this.
What are the chances that Donny will actually find us? I've been lookin' for you.
Okay, man, we don't want any trouble.
What do you want? I just want you to sign this bat.
I coach a kids' baseball team, and we are all big fans of Kid Fury.
Oh! Yeah, of course.
Always happy to sign something for the fans.
- Awesome! - Whoo! I thought that was Donny.
Do you mean me? Hi.
I'm Donny the Destroyer.
You're Donny the Destroyer? But you're a You're - He's a - Total dwerp.
That's tough talk coming from a tweeb.
Conor, I just have to thank you for helping me escape.
Dude, I thought I was giving you advice for a video game.
I'm callin' the cops.
Please don't do that.
I only broke out to prove my innocence.
I was framed by the guy the call the Rainmaker.
Who in the world would call themselves the Rainmaker? Only the undefeated champion of Mystic The Summoning? Is that the fantasy card game that dwerps play at the Game Pit all day Saturday? And Sunday mornings before the bullies wake up.
I was a level 30 sorcerer, poised to ruin the Rainmaker's undefeated record when it all went down.
The night before the big match, someone broke into the Game Pit and stole the most powerful cards in the game the Twin Sabers.
The next day, I was about to defeat the Rainmaker, when the cops showed up because of an anonymous tip.
I told you you'd never beat me.
Somehow, the Rainmaker slipped one of the stolen cards into my pocket.
With me out of the way, he won the tournament, and became the number one player in the universe.
- Franklin, are you believing this? - Well, sir, Donny is a sorcerer, and since the Twin Sabers aren't magical cards, - they'd be useless to him.
- So what are you saying? This dwerp ain't the perp.
You gotta beleeb the dweeb.
Oooh! Take the nerd at his word.
Not cool, sir.
We don't use that word.
Oh, it's Wendell.
What? Oh! This is bad.
This is so bad.
Hey, don't blame me if you drank the hot tuna shake.
You signed the waiver.
No! A friend just asked me out, and I don't like him like that.
I barely like him at all.
And you came to me for advice.
No, you just kinda wandered over here, - and stuck your nose in my business.
- Yeah? Here's what you do.
All right, if we're gonna expose this Rainmaker, you gotta start by telling me everything you know about him.
Well, he's a great Mystic player, and he'll do anything to remain undefeated.
His ego is bigger than the cyclops giant of Weevilfore.
That's enough of that.
Okay, we'll use his ego against him.
If one of us plays him and he thinks he's gonna lose, - he might play the stolen card.
- Yeah! I'd offer to play him, sir, but when I'm under pressure, my jumbled get all words up.
No! It happening to start! - Okay, fine.
I'll go down there.
- I don't know.
You might get recognized as Kid Fury, and no offense, but you don't exactly - fit in with that crowd.
- Oh, really? Perhaps I'll fit in now.
Okay, stop! Hello there, Gene.
My name is Melvin, and I'd like to sign up, please.
Thank you.
I love these Mystic tournaments that I play in all the time.
The smell of zit cream, and the complete lack of girls.
Hey, we had a girl here.
Of course, she was looking for the Mystic hair salon.
I was halfway through her shampoo before she realized her mistake and punched me right in the snot box! But I managed to get a few strands of her hair before she ran away.
Okay, I'm in.
Where do I go now? Alright.
You're at table six.
We'll talk you through everything.
Your first opponent is Lance the Handsome.
Hello there, fellow Mystic lovers.
I'm just gonna set up right here.
Ooh, I like your little wizard guy.
Hey, newb, never, ever touch another man's wizard! Behold, mortals! Bow down before me! Yes! And prepare to be Gosh darn it.
Not now, Mom.
Rained upon! You may rise.
Ugh! Smells like dead eggs.
Hey, Wendell.
I ran out of deodorant.
It's just my natural stink.
Doesn't burn my eyes at all.
Well, I guess we should go in there and date.
After me.
- "Billy's After Dark"?! - "A Romantic Experience"? Aw, come on! Okay, you played your three-eyed ogre, which obviously means I should counter with my Blue Knight.
- Or my Red Griffin.
- Uh, who are you talking to? Uh I'm talking to his wizard.
What I say to my friend's wizard is my business, Chad.
You're almost there.
Now you just have to add your plus six Water Defense Mage to the Sword of Light.
- What does that mean?! - Play the purple card! - Okay.
Ha ha! - And that's it.
Melvin moves on to the final round against the Rainmaker.
Ooh! The rain is coming, because I'm gonna win.
- No.
- More like yeah.
More like no! He's good.
Hey, Billy.
You mind telling me what's going on with your restaurant? Well, with all the talk of dating, I've decided to do a romance promotion.
What are you two doing here? I'm on my date.
And I'm on my date.
You mean Ashley was the one that you And he was the one that you Oh, boy.
Billy, I need you in this kitchen right now, baby! Yes, ma'am.
I gotta go.
If you don't mind, I got a nasty blister on my foot that really needs to get popped.
Can I use your fork? Thanks.
I wouldn't poke it like that.
It's gonna Ya know, if this works out, you'll be stepmother to 63 ferrets.
That'd be great.
I love ferrets.
Especially if they're cooked right.
That reminds me.
I got you a little gift.
- An empty jar? - Oh, it's not empty.
That's my fart jar.
Been saving that bad boy since last Thanksgiving.
Ha! Ah, that's sophisticated strategy for a newbie.
It's just too bad that I don't have a counter for your sorcerer's spell.
Or do I? Behold, the horn-crested dragon of Galathium! That's impressive.
That would bring down most opponents, but not one who possesses the dragon charmer of Banjar! Yeah, boy.
This is it.
We're two moves away from actually beating the Rainmaker.
He's gonna have to play his Twin Saber card, but only if you do exactly as I say.
Yeah! - Hello? - Hi.
- Hello? - Hi.
- Hello?! - Hello! Greetings.
Hello, lovers.
Hello, lovers.
Hello, lovers.
One lucky couple is going to win a special romance package which includes a dozen roses, a hot air balloon ride, and a bag of these chocolate-covered shrimp.
Ah! Whoo! Delicious.
Now, check under your placemats.
If you find a heart, you win.
Don't be Wendell and Ashley.
Please don't be Wendell and Ashley.
Oh, it's Wendell and Ashley.
Aw, come on! What are they doing? - I think they want us to kiss.
- Each other? I can't think of a reason why not.
And I'm really trying.
I'm sorry, I can't do it.
I don't like you like that.
Me?! I don't like you like that! Then why did you send me this text - saying that you want to kiss me? - What? Stupid auto correct.
That was supposed to say "I want to kill you.
" 'Cause we were gonna play Arctic Warfare that night.
- But why did you ask me out on a date? - Because Billy told me to.
And I only said yes because Billy told me to.
Wait a minute.
How many people are here tonight because Billy gave you terrible romance advice? Billy, it's time to close up now, baby! - Yes, ma'am.
- Get him! Huh.
Well, since I'm all alone, as I've always been, I guess I'll play the one-legged cricket? That's easily removed by a Flood card.
That's just like you to drown a disabled cricket.
This has been a lot of fun, but this match is clearly over.
Okay, gamers, I didn't know dragon spit about Mystic the Summoning, but I have played enough multi-player video games to know that sometimes, it's not about playing the game, but gaming the player.
You're right.
This match is over.
Because you've fallen right into my trap.
I have the only card I need right here.
Even if you had the Midnight Potion, I could still counter with my Black Knight.
Unless you had Merlin's Wand.
But you would've played that two rounds ago! Or would I? Sweet raven's claw, he's got Merlin's Wand.
No wonder he tricked him into playing his Flood card.
- Make your move.
- You want a move? I'll show you a move! For I possess a card Gosh darn it! Just circle the block, Mom! For I possess a card so powerful, that it ensures that I win, and will remain gloriously undefeated! One of the Twin Sabers! Ha-ha! So you admit it.
You stole the Twin Sabers, and then framed an innocent dwerp named Donny.
Of course I did.
The greatest player of all time deserves to have the most powerful card of all time.
The Rainmaker wins again! Well-played.
And all I had was a Mossy Stump.
You were bluffing.
Well, uh I actually should probably be h-headin' out.
Got my mom circling the block, so - The only place you're going is jail.
- No way I'm going to jail.
You'll have to catch me first! - I caught you.
- Oh, darn it.
Hey, Wendell.
I thought you were going to use that balloon ride we won on our "date " to chuck rats at Franklin.
I was going to, but some crazy nerd jumped in and took off.
Ha ha! Oh, hey, there he is.
Behold, the Rainmaker has escaped! For no mere mortals can hold Oh, gosh darn it.
A-Are those power lines? The Rainmaker is in need of some serious medical attention.
What a dwerp.

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