Gamer's Guide To Pretty Much Everything (2015) s01e15 Episode Script

The Asteroid Blasters

1 This is Kid Fury, your Star Wolf commander.
Lady Rooster, what's your status? Currently, it's complicated, because Kevin, who said he had a crush on me, just sent me an emoji of this smiling poo.
I mean, what is that supposed to mean? - He meant your status in the game.
- Oh! Not good.
I'm getting sucked into a black hole.
Okay, focus, everyone.
My radar is picking up a fleet of alien drones at six o'clock.
Oh, no, I got a visual on a hideous blob heading right for us.
Wait, where? I don't see it.
It smells like loneliness and old books.
Save yourselves.
I see you're wasting your time playing video games again.
Oh, I see you're wasting your time putting lipstick on again.
Here are your permission slips for this year's field trip.
As the librarian/assistant to the vice-principal, I'm once again chaperoning, and guess where we're going.
ALL: The towel factory.
The towel factory! That place is so lame.
Four hours of watching people fold towels.
You know, I heard you can't even make fun of them anymore because they put in heckle-proof glass.
They put that in because of me.
I'm beginning to think we only go to the towel factory every year so you can see Raul, the shirtless towel tester.
Whaaat?! - That's ridiculous.
- Uh, Miss McManus, I've got an idea.
Maybe this year, we could go to the space lab.
We could meet real astronauts.
Astronauts, huh? What's their shirt-wearing policy? The space lab would be awesome.
It'll be just like Star Wolf.
We'll look through giant telescopes.
- Nah.
- Touch real moon rocks.
- Nah.
- Eat astronaut fro-yo.
Wait, what was that last one? It's freeze-dried, which means you can keep fro-yo in your purse.
Purse fro-yo?! - We're goin' to the space lab! - Yeah! [title music.]
Gamer's Guide Gamer's Guide 1x15 - "The Asteroid Blasters" Gamer's Guide This is gonna be the best field trip ever! Hey, gang! I'm your tour guide, Dottie.
ALL: Hi, Dottie! Today, we're gonna step inside a real rocket! [all exclaiming.]
Experience weightlessness! [exclaiming.]
And pilot a space rover! [all exclaiming.]
In our imaginations! You don't wanna know what I'm imagining right now, Dottie.
But this place has all kinds of cool stuff, like that space drone simulator room over there.
The SDS is a high-tech video game that trains our scientists to use laser-equipped space drones to blast asteroids and other space debris that threatens planet Earth.
- Whoa! - Awesome! - So fun! - Really fun! And really restricted.
Even for me the highest-testing astronaut they ever had in this place.
- You're an astronaut? - Almost.
I was three days away from going to Mars when they found out I had a peanut toe.
Anyway, now I'm here, giving tours [tearfully.]
which is just as good.
This place is kind of a dump.
And not in a cool way like the real "dump.
" Our janitor quit when he won the lottery.
Well, I guess that's what happens when you become a millionaire.
He only won 20 bucks.
He just really hated it here.
Whoo! What's this thing? It's a deep space extraterrestrial communicator used to receive and broadcast interstellar frequencies.
What's that mean in real words? It's a Martian telephone.
If aliens tried to make contact, we could hear them on this.
Why are you throwing it out? Oh, we have much more sophisticated technology now.
Besides, who wants to waste their life waiting for a call from the planet Glubarb? [laughs.]
- ALL: Franklin.
- Franklin! Have at it nerd.
Um, how about we move this tour to the commissary? I want to get some fro-yo all up in my purse.
We just sold out, but we do have dehydrated bean sprouts! Does she look like a bean sprouts kind of gal? Well, he's not wrong.
Uh Let's just move on to the shirtless astronauts.
- All our employees wear shirts.
- I'll be on the bus.
All right, everybody.
It's time for the highlight of the tour! You're gonna see a woman who almost made it to Mars fold space towels.
ALL: Aw, come on! - Oh! - Uh-huh.
Hey, gamers.
Here's how you make a field trip to the boring old space lab way more exciting.
You must stir up the courage to boldly go where no student has gone before! Behind the little red rope that says "Do Not Enter.
" Well, we tried.
Not gonna get past this thing.
Get outta the way, scrubs.
I got this.
Wha? Uh, Wendell, why do you have hedge clippers? Because we're at a space lab.
Hello! [chuckles.]
Whoa! That is the coolest thing I've ever seen! - What is it? - It's a mini-fridge, Ashley.
This simulator is amazing.
It's the biggest, coolest video game ever.
I can't wait to take my pants off and play this thing.
Why do you have to take your pants off? I don't have to.
I want to.
Okay, we all need to be careful.
We're in a restricted area, so we have to be quiet and make sure that nothing Whoo! I'm blowin' up space junk, suckas! Or we can just jump in and start blasting.
Yes! Count it! Oh, yeah.
We did it.
We got the high score! Best field trip [loud belch.]
Hey, toss me one of those space drinks.
Oh, man, we gotta get outta here.
Oh, good thing you guys got here.
I caught these guys using the simulator.
Blondie here cut your little red rope with these hedge clippers.
Come on.
In all my years [chuckles.]
Nothing good ever follows "In all my years.
" I have never seen such total disregard for the little red rope! If it makes you feel any better, we scored a million points on the simulator before we destroyed it.
You destroyed the simulator?! Oh, I did not realize that was news to you.
Do you have any idea what it's gonna cost to repair that thing?! Well, we're responsible, - so it's only fair that we - Thousands of dollars! be forgiven and know that, because of you, we learned a valuable lesson.
Come on, guys.
Oh, no, you don't.
You three are gonna be in big trouble when I report you to the head of the space program.
Yeah, let's all tell him that you let three kids sneak in and destroy a valuable piece of space equipment.
How do you think he'll react to that peanut toe? You trying to blackmail me? - I don't know.
Is it working? - Sort of.
Then yes.
Somebody's gotta pay for that damage, and it's not gonna be me! Tell you what, we'll work off the repairs.
We could clean up around here, since the janitor quit.
Hang on! I'm a lot of things, but I'm not somebody's maid.
Okay, then pay the woman.
I call mop.
Hello! Day ten of Operation Deep Space Communication.
Alien responses: zero.
[farting sound.]
Human toots: 406.
"Step one to snagging the trucker of your dreams.
Get a CB radio.
" Check.
"Step two: turn it on, and tell them something about yourself.
" Okay.
Um [static.]
Hello, out there.
I'm Janice.
I have three cats and they could not be more different.
Like Mr.
Whiskers, he's all, like, [meows in prissy voice.]
And Mr.
Fluffernutter, he's got more 'tude.
He's all, like, [meowing in angry voice.]
And, uh, together, they're all, like, [meowing in goofy voice.]
I got one! I can't believe it.
I made contact with an alien! [imitating goofy meowing.]
Uh um "If you're not getting the response you want, try expanding your search based on your level of loneliness.
" [chuckles.]
All right.
I'm looking to make contact with any living life form on Earth.
It's already adapted to our language! So advanced.
Contact received.
You're speaking to a human male.
Human male? That's totally my type! Can you describe your physical appearance? Uh, I've got big, green eyes, a long, slender neck, and I've been told there's a certain glow about me.
You sound like quite the specimen.
Oh, the way you talk.
When can we arrange a first encounter? Oh, okay, Janice, play it cool.
Play it cool.
Now! How about now? Now is good! Oh, come on! You can land a man on the Moon, but you can't throw away a banana peel? Or a banana? Ugh! This place is the worst.
I did find a moon rock.
It's so smooth.
I scraped that from underneath the console.
- It's a wad of gum and snot.
- Ewww!! Okay, guys, lunch is here! It's set up in the hallway.
- Oh.
- Finally a break.
I'm starving.
I ordered from a place called Billy the Squid's.
- Nope.
- Working through lunch.
I ate yesterday.
All right, guys, let's just get this over with.
[alarm sounding.]
COMPUTER: Large asteroid detected.
Odds of impact: zero percent.
Well, you know what they say.
When the cat's away, the mice will blow stuff up! Uh, don't even think about it.
This isn't a simulator, and we're in enough trouble as it is.
Oh, who made you boss, Mr.
Hey, Let's All Be Janitors? - I'm blastin' me an asteroid.
- Uh, no, you're not, Wendell.
- Yes, I am.
- Stop, Wendell - Ashley! - What have you done? Relax.
The nice lady in the machine said it wasn't a threat, so I blasted that asteroid into a thousand pieces! [alarm blaring.]
Odds of impact: 100%.
Come on, lady, make up your mind! [alarm continues blaring.]
You see the way she's looking at us? Like these huge asteroid chunks heading towards Earth are our fault.
- Because they are our fault.
- Oh! That's a really good look then.
Do you realize that if a single one of these asteroids, hits the Earth, it will be an extinction-level event? Which means no math test Friday.
Hey! I'm a glass-half-full kinda guy, Dot.
Fortunately, these highly trained professionals can handle anything.
[all stomach rumblings.]
Ohh! Apparently they couldn't handle takeout from Billy's.
- What did you guys order? - The shrimp cakes.
- ALL: Ooh.
- Oh! I always thought Billy's food would have something to do - with the end of the world.
- In a couple of minutes, those guys are gonna be praying for the Earth to end.
Dottie, we can blast those asteroids.
We have the highest score on the simulator! Are you kidding me? We can't leave the fate of the world in the hands of a bunch of gamers.
[stomach rumbling.]
The fate of the world is in your hands.
Good luck! [vomits.]
- You called mop.
- Aw, come on! History is about to happen, people.
Because of me, we're going to have a close encounter with an alien.
Really, lady? That's what you're going to wear? Trucker? Trucker! Are you my trucker? Miss McManus, what are you doing here? I'm here to meet the man I've been dreaming about since I was a little girl.
My soul mate.
My Prince Charming.
Have you seen a trucker? I'm also meeting someone.
Because of me, an alien's on its way here right now! You really think an alien wants to meet you? You really think a man wants to meet you? [sighs.]
Well, it's been four hours.
Looks like we've both been stood up.
I don't consider myself stood up - till it's been at least three days.
- I don't understand it.
I clearly said on my communicator - to meet at the River Walk at 3:00.
- That's weird.
That's the exact same message I heard over my CB radio.
- Huh.
- Huh.
Wait a minute.
I see what happened here! I can't believe we didn't put it together sooner.
BOTH: They got lost! We gotta go back and give 'em better directions.
How dumb could we be? [all gasp.]
I think we did it.
According to the computer, all the remaining debris will burn up in Earth's atmosphere! Threat eliminated.
Odds of impact: zero per Uh-oh.
My bad.
Massive asteroid detected.
Impact with Earth imminent.
That lady is really starting to get on my nerves! [alarm blaring.]
In Star Wolf, if you hit an asteroid that big in its weak spot, you can split it into two pieces.
If we could do that, the pieces might miss Earth.
- You really think that'll work? - It better.
Game on.
- All right, team, clear me a path.
- Copy that, Star Wolf commander.
If he gets to be Star Wolf commander, then I wanna be commander of the Star Wolf commanders.
If you get me to that asteroid, you can call yourself Dr.
Awesome for all I care.
Deal! CONOR: There she is.
I'm goin' in.
- Whoa! - Got your back.
Thanks, Ash.
Here goes nothing! Odds of impact: zero percent.
Woot, woot! - Yeah! - We did it! - We saved the world! - Heck yeah! Toss Dr.
Awesome a space drink.
[all gasp.]
Whoa, saved it.
So we should go.
Grab a bite at Billy's? [vomits.]
- Or pizza.
- Yeah, pizza.
- Good.
And that's three days.
I'm officially stood up.
Yeah, I'm thinkin' my little friend isn't gonna show up, either.
And I even learned his language.
[goofy meowing.]
Wait a minute.
That sounds like my cats.
[goofy meowing.]
Ohh - You were my alien! - You were my trucker! - Never speak of this again? - Agreed.
It looks like we got stood up.

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