Gamer's Guide To Pretty Much Everything (2015) s01e16 Episode Script

The Chillerz

1 Wow, Thumbs of Fury.
That was a great win today.
Can you guys sign my poster? Hey, anything for a fan, buddy.
Really? Will you be my dad? Oh, that's cute, but I'm open to the possibilities, son.
Or not.
Is it true you're gonna be on the cover of Gamers World magazine? Well, it's not official, but between you and me, it's official.
Wow! That was my first autograph.
You know, someday, that might be worth a lot of money.
You're right.
I gotta get it back! Get back here, you thief! Let's start our weekly team meeting now that that little kiss-up is gone.
He didn't ask you for your autograph, did he? Anyway another company has asked us to endorse their product.
I present Gamer Grips.
They provide an extreme grip to take your game to the extreme.
That means literally nothing.
You don't need gloves to game.
Believe me, it's not worth selling out for some junky product.
We're gonna be on the cover of the magazine because of our gaming skills and who we are.
Oh, for once, Conor's right.
We can't pretend to be someone we're not.
That's my new girl Zoe.
I've been pretending for months that I'm a world-famous BMX rider.
- Why would you lie to her? - Well, look at her.
- Yeah, I'd lie for that.
- Me, too.
Zoe's into famous people.
We're the perfect match.
She's superficial, and so am I.
You do realize you could've just told her the truth that you're a pro gamer.
Hey man, the truth is for guys who can't make up lies.
Back to the matter at hand.
Nothing? Well, I think it's a mistake to pass on these sweet gloves.
They really do help your grip.
Let me help you with that.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Stupid gloves don't stick to anything! Wait! Guys! Guys! Gamer's Guide.
Gamer's Guide.
1x16 - "The Chillerz" Gamer's Guide.
This game is so unrealistic.
You know, my mom's a plumber, and I've seen what's in sewer pipes.
- Trust me, it ain't gold coins.
- Ah, cool.
Looks like our magazine hits the stands on Friday.
Oh, great, a pop-up ad.
For Gamer Grips? 'Sup, gamers, it's Lady Lika, the bad girl of gaming, taking it to the extreme with these new Gamer Grips.
That was my kill! Get out of my face, bro.
You expect me to play on this?! Deal with it! With Gamer Grips.
- Lika? - Yeah, that makes sense.
A horrible product endorsed by a horrible person.
I don't like her either.
She once told me I have split ends.
Everybody's end is split.
It's just how we're made.
Look how desperate she is.
Her team isn't as good as ours, so she's been reduced to endorsing a garbage product.
Yeah, you're right.
Nobody's gonna buy Lika's dumb gloves.
Everyone's buying Lika's dumb gloves! - Hey, Joy.
- Deal with it.
I just did that thing that Lika does.
Eat rubber, suckers.
I guess we're the only kids not caught up in this whole Gamer Grips craze.
Yeah, do you have Gamer Grips in purple? Oh well, you can keep 'em, because I don't want 'em! Uh, that was my phone.
- Wendell.
- Z-Zoe.
What are you doing here? I've been looking for you.
Thought I'd swing by and see my favorite pro BMX-er.
Oh, that sounds awesome.
Is he here? Oh, I mean, I am, because it's me who's here.
So, you wanna go to a movie and - not watch it? - That sounds great.
But first I'd love to see a couple of freestyle tricks.
It'll put me in a smoochy mood.
I'd love to, but my bike's in the shop till tomorrow.
Tweaked the frame pretty good when I jumped a speeding big rig.
It was hauling cobras.
Now let's go.
It's just, without your bike, you don't seem as famous.
Tell you what.
Let's meet at the River Walk tomorrow, and you can show me your extreme moves.
Oh, no.
I've only got 24 hours to learn how to be one of the best bike riders in the whole world.
Eh, that sounds like a "tomorrow" Wendell's problem.
I can't wait to see our faces on the cover of Gamers World magazine.
It's gonna open up a bunch of possibilities for us.
You're right.
Books, movies, maybe even a Broadway musical! I can see it now.
We're Thumbs, Thumbs of Fury We game so fast, our fingers are blurry We're the team that you've all seen Because we're on the cover of a magazine, yeah! Oh, man, what's going on here? Lika's everywhere.
She's on those posters, that cutout.
Even got a hologram of her over there signing autographs.
No, Ash, that's not a hologram.
That's Lika.
- Ow.
-That's not a hologram.
- That's Lika.
- Wha Hey, losers.
Nice work passing on the Gamer Grips.
Thanks to that, I now have a ton of money and a million new fans.
I'd say thank you, but it's not my thing.
So deal with it! Well, uh, congratulations on your cute little gaming mittens, Lika.
But only one of us is on the cover of Gamers World magazine.
So I guess now you're the one who's gonna have to deal with it.
Ooooh! That picture looks nothing like us.
She stole our cover.
You know what's even better than being on that magazine? The fact that you're not.
Lika's taking our fans, she stole our magazine cover, and it's all because we didn't endorse those stupid Gamer Grips.
That's why we're gonna find our own product, so we can be even bigger than she is.
I thought you said that'd be selling out.
It's not selling out.
If anything, it's buying in.
Now, what've you got for us, Franklin? Three amazing choices.
Number one, say hello to Mr.
Handsy, the game masseuse.
How many times, after hours of gaming, have you felt stress in your neck? Ahh! That's nice.
- And it has two speeds.
- Ooh.
Get it off! Get it off! Okay, new rule.
We don't endorse anything that tries to kill me! Yeah.
What else you got, Franklin? I present to you the brain-troller, a wireless device that lets you control the game with your mind.
All you have to do is turn it on, and concentrate.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! You have way too much - brain activity for this, Franklin.
- On it.
Well, I guess sometimes, it's good to have an empty brain.
Oh, really? Well, here's a thought.
- All right, Franklin, what's next? - Last one.
The latest in wearable thermal-controlled gaming technology.
I give you - Chillerz! - Let me see this.
"Chillerz keeps you cool while gaming, and triples your sit time without overheating.
I don't know.
These things look pretty ridiculous.
They're planning a bigger ad campaign than Gamer Grips.
Ridiculously awesome! All right, we're going with Chillerz.
Yes! I'll never again suffer from damp tush, funk rump, or swamp crack.
Dude, you don't need new shorts.
You need to see a butt doctor.
You look so famous with all your gear on.
You know it.
Get ready to see some sweet moves.
I just gotta build up a little speed.
So, does that put you in a smoochy mood? Sure did.
Hey, what's up, dude? Thought you were gonna give me 100 bucks to fake out your girl.
This is a brochure about foot lice.
What what? I don't know what this poser is talking about.
- Now get your buggy feet outta here.
- This guy's a liar.
- Wanna go get a smoothie? - Are you famous? - Little bit.
- Let's go.
Ah, come on! So, gamers, we closed the deal with Chillerz, and they gave us some unbelievable news.
All we have to do is win our next tournament, and then look into the cameras and say, "What's cooler than cold? Chill.
Now that's hot.
" Then they're gonna turn that into the biggest ad campaign in gaming history.
We'll knock Lika right out of the spotlight, and back down into the nasty pit of stank she crawled out of.
But we're mainly doing this because Chillerz is a really great product.
Welcome, everybody.
I'm Markiplier, gaming celebrity and all-around hunky guy.
Here to emcee tonight's event Thank you.
You're too kind.
Oh, I see one of today's favorites.
Lady Lika and the Wannabes.
Nothing like respecting your team, right, Josie.
That's right.
I'm here, and all the other teams are gonna have to deal with it.
She just said that thing that she says.
All right, everybody, it's time to chill with Chillerz! Oh, quite an entrance from Thumbs of Fury.
I see they're sporting the cool new Chillerz gaming shorts.
Hey, Josie, if those shorts are so cool, why am I not wearing them? I want lights on my pants.
Look at how mad Lika is.
Chillerz shorts are the best thing that ever happened to us.
What was that? Uh, sir, I think there's a problem with your shorts.
It's not just Conor's shorts.
My Chillerz are going crazy, too.
Uh, guys, it's starting to get really cold down there.
Oh, no.
I just did a quick search online, and apparently, Chillerz have been banned in 13 countries.
"Worn for more than 20 minutes, the shorts can malfunction and cause severe frost butt.
" Frost butt? You know what? I'm not buying it.
I'm wearing these shorts for at least 20 minutes, and I'm totally fi-i-i-ine! Whoo! Fine.
I-I-I'm totally fine.
Guys, are we sure we wanna play a whole tournament - in these things? - Ya know.
I say we plow through.
I just convinced Zoe to come here.
Apparently, she thinks pro gamers are famous enough to smooch.
Hey, girl.
How am I looking from that VIP section? Looking famous, baby.
Your foot is in my VIP section.
Guys, I can't feel my thighs.
Yeah, and I've got an icicle forming in a very uncomfortable place.
You know what? TMI, Franklin.
So, gamers, we had two options.
Give up the malfunctioning shorts that we endorsed, and let Lika remain the face of gaming, or we could overcome the biggest challenge of our careers the blizzards brewing in our shorts.
Great shot from Lady Rooster 42.
And with that, Thumbs of Fury is moving on to the final round.
Oh, these shorts are really painful.
Franklin, why are you smiling? I'm not.
My mouth is frozen.
Wait, guys, I have an idea.
Excuse me, excuse me.
Okay, we're gonna need some soup.
Lots of soup.
Go get the soup.
How you doin', baby? Killin' it like I told you I would.
You look so famous up there, Wendell.
Yeah, I do.
Smooch me.
What was that? I don't know.
I think I sprung a leak.
Where is that coming from? I'm not sure.
You sure it's not you? Look what you did to me! Ew! Maybe we can smooch later.
Before we start our next match, we can use some of these soups.
Ahh!! What? I always have crackers with my chowder.
Wait, you got chowder? Man, why'd I grab the chili? Here.
Try some.
What? No! No one's eating chowder out of anyone's pants! And now, it's time for our final round between Lady Lika's crew and Thumbs of Fury.
All right, guys, if we're gonna win this tournament, we have to find a way to fight through the cold.
Game on.
Let's go! We gotta fight through the cold.
We're almost through.
Got him! We won.
Great win, guys.
Now you have something you wanna tell the whole world about your new gaming shorts.
You don't mind chillin' out here for a few minutes while we get set up, right? You won, baby! Now you're going to be really famous.
You know, you're right.
I am going to be really famous, and I can totally do better than you.
What? What are you saying? I'm saying the smooch caboose has left the station.
You did it, guys.
I gotta get some Chillerz so I can be just like you.
All right, guys.
You are on.
Uh We owe our victory to They're gonna turn that into the biggest ad campaign in gaming history.
I can't do this.
Chillerz are dangerous.
They get way too cold, and they leak.
Check this out.
That boy's got a blizzard in his pants.
Looks like Thumbs of Fury is giving Chillerz a big thumbs down.
All right, let's get outta here.
Without this Chillerz commercial, I'm not gonna be famous.
Zoe! I've always loved you! Lenny, hey.
Don't worry about spending your money on junk, okay? Gaming is like anything you do.
You should do it because you love it.
Like teaching swear words to my parrot? - Thanks, Conor.
- No, I wouldn't do that if I were you Man, you losers are so dumb.
Losers? Uh, don't forget who won the tournament, Lika.
Who cares? Tomorrow, no one will remember who won the tournament.
But thanks to these gloves, I'll still be the face of gaming.
At least this time, she didn't say - Deal with it! - that! I don't know what those kids were talking about.
These feel kinda nice.
Really take care of the old funk rump.
Wha What's that noise? Josie, these things are filling up with air.
Why are they doing that? Guys, you're not gonna believe what's on TV right now.
I'm aware of the reports that Gamer Grips cause temporary hand shrinkage.
But that is fundamentally false.
Gamer Grips are fine.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with them.
There's no more questions! I said no more questions! That's what you get for selling out, Lika.
Yeah, totally.
Now she's gonna have to "deal with it.
" Ashley.
Have you been wearing Gamer Grips? What? Me? No.
Why would you even say that? The truth is, Zoe, I turned over a new leaf.
From now on, I'm going to be totally honest with you.
So we'll continue this conversation when I return from the Moon.
How about a little "good luck" smooch before I go? - Or how about I go with you? - G-Go with me? Uh I guess.
In that case, you should know the new space shuttle looks a lot like my mom's minivan.

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