Gamer's Guide To Pretty Much Everything (2015) s01e17 Episode Script

The Cabin

1 Way to go, you two.
Do you know how embarrassing it is to get kicked out of a tournament in front of 1,000 people? I do.
- Now! - Hey, anyone can stay in a place.
It's the people that get thrown out who are really livin' life.
That's the dumbest thing you've ever said.
And you say nothing but dumb stuff.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Hey, hey, hey! That's enough! How did it start this time? He sat on my back and farted.
- And it was a hot one.
- Hey, I only did that because you kept dipping your crackers in my juice.
I have to moisten my crackers.
You know I have a lazy saliva gland.
What kind of kid can't make spit? That's weird and dumb.
Okay, round two.
- Let's go.
- Ow, ow! - I'll sue.
- That's it! I've had it.
The four of us are a team.
We're supposed to work together, like the wheels on a car.
And when you two are fighting, we only have two wheels.
You know what that makes us? A motorcycle.
- The coolest car of them all.
- Not helping, Ashley.
You know what? I have a call to make.
Ashley! Do you have any idea why Jefferson Landry from the Chow Channel is coming here this weekend? Yeah.
I applied for us to be on his show.
I thought it would be some great exposure for the restaurant.
Jefferson Landry's the toughest food critic on TV.
What's wrong with Jefferson Landry? He has that great catchphrase: Shut it down! - Oh, I see the problem.
- This is a disaster.
We don't know that.
Come on, he's gonna love this place.
He's gonna hate this place.
Well, he's coming.
So we've got some work to do, and you can start by breaking up that fight.
Get off my chest, Wendell.
That one burned me.
What makes your farts so hot? Just the right mix of jalape?os and rage.
Gamer's Guide.
Gamer's Guide.
1x17 - The Cabin Gamer's Guide.
So, gamers, when you have a team, it's natural to have some disagreements.
Wendell and Franklin are going through one right now.
Nothing major, you know.
Call it a tiff or a squabble.
But as the leader of the team, it's my job to keep a close eye on them to make sure that their fighting doesn't get out of control.
Just to be safe, I called in a team-building expert for a little outside help.
You know, before any real trouble starts.
That's just what a good leader does.
Dude, we don't need a stinkin' team-building expert to come in here and fix us.
Let's just go with my plan.
We're not packing Franklin up in a crate and selling him on Peg's List.
But, dude, there's some nerd in Wisconsin that's willing to trade his canoe for him! Okay, don't embarrass me.
This guy Ziggy is a total pro, and we're lucky to get him.
Oh, what is that smell? Oh, that's my van, man.
I had it converted to run on cow manure.
Why didn't you park in the structure? Yeah, I'm not big on "structure.
" Uh, Ziggy, I'm Conor, and this is Wendell and Franklin.
I'll be in the game pit.
Let the healing begin.
I never shake a hand when I can hug a soul.
Oh, dude.
Why is your beard wet? So what do you guys think the problem is? The problem is he's not willing to work on us.
The real problem is that he thinks there is an "us.
" I have just the thing that will help you guys.
It's a 200-year-old Himalayan peace drum.
It will find a rhythm between your feuding souls.
Give your brother a compliment, beat the drum, and he'll do the same.
Wendell is really good at getting on my nerves! Okay, that may sound like a compliment, but Franklin is a weasel-faced dork.
- Again, guys, the point here is - I'm a dork? At least I'm not the one stuck in a drum.
"Stuck in a drum?" Who says stuck in Not cool, dudes! You broke my peace drum! Wow, this is the first time we've ever cleaned this place.
You think anyone will notice the difference? I had no idea the floors were actually white.
Good luck blending in now, roaches.
Here comes Jefferson.
After all the work we've done, he's gotta be impressed.
I'm here at Billy the Squid, and I am not impressed.
Do you hear the sound of all the happy customers enjoying their food? Neither do I, because no one is even here.
People stopped coming because of the salmonella.
Billy! I mean the salmon with vanilla was so delicious that, you know people left.
So what do you think of our really clean restaurant? Well, it is clean, but white floors are so passé.
A nice, earthy brown would've been far more pleasing to the eye.
What about the clean linen tablecloths? I think they clash with the confusing cowboy seafood theme.
So much so, it makes me want to vomit out of my own eyes.
Now if the food is anything like the ambiance, - well, I'm afraid we just might have to - Oh, here it comes.
Shut it Down!! Whoo! Hey, gamers, so Ziggy said Wendell and Franklin were drifting their blame boats down the river of regret, man.
So Ziggy suggested his most intensive friendship-fixing program.
A 48-hour retreat in a cabin in the woods.
It's just what Wendell and Franklin need.
Ziggy is a great guy.
He even offered us some of his homemade granola for the ride up there.
'The granola's crickets! Ah! Now that we are out amongst Mother Nature, free of the distractions of the modern world, we can focus on the My cousin just sent me a video of a walrus stuck in a bathroom stall.
Wendell, Ziggy said no phones allowed.
Dude, he just flushed the bowl with his flipper.
No phones, no Wi-Fi, no electricity.
I for one am loving this rustic retreat.
It gives me a chance to do my homework by the fire, like the geeks of yesteryear.
No distractions means no homework.
You guys lured me here with the promise of homework! Yeah, and I guess we're not going snake fishing either! Sorry, guys.
I had to lie to get you two out here.
I think what's happening here is your negativity is blocking your chakra, causing your chi to weaken your kundalini.
I think what's happening here is you need to get a girlfriend.
Ziggy tried everything.
We made ceramics at "hearts and crafts.
" We did mindful meditation.
And we went on "healing hikes.
" It looked like nothing was gonna work.
Ziggy had just one more exercise.
This last exercise is called a trust fall.
It's where Yeah, yeah, everyone knows what a trust fall is, you dumb hippie! I fall, he has to catch me! Don't mess this up, Franklin.
All right.
Here we go.
Three, two - Dude, you didn't catch me! - 'Cause you didn't fall back! - Who falls forward? - I fall forward.
- That's how it's done.
- I'll show you how it's done.
Know what? That's it, man.
I'm done! I'm sick of you kids and your your butt faces! - Wait, no.
No, Ziggy - I'm driving 20 miles into town, climbing into a hot yurt, and downing a six-pack of kombacha! No, Ziggy, wait! Are you guys happy? Now our ride outta here is heading to a hot squirt to drink chupacabras.
And we're stranded in the middle of nowhere.
I'm sure it's all just part of his weird old hippie agenda to get us to stop fighting and like each other.
He'll be back any Nope, he's gone.
We're stranded, and we don't even have our phones to call for help.
Wrong as always, Conor.
I smuggled in a back-up phone.
How'd you sneak this thing in here anyway? - I tucked it inside my underpants.
- Oh.
Ew!! - Uh-oh.
It's almost out of battery.
- Call for help.
I will after I watch that hilarious walrus video one more time.
Oh, great.
It died.
Way to go, Franklin! - So now we've got no phone or supplies.
- And I'm starving.
- Let's check the cabinets.
- Oh, yeah.
- Ah, spider! - Ah, a mouse! Ah, chili! Wait, what? You love chili.
Why did you scream? It's got beans in it.
Oh, I hate beans.
- Beans are the best part.
- Beans are filler, and you know it.
- Oh! - Not the chili argument again! - Great.
There's no opener.
- Don't worry, noobs.
I'll open this can the same way the cavemen did.
Well, that would've worked if we were in a cave.
I'll go get the chili.
Franklin, go get the chili.
He spit out the crab cakes.
He gagged on the flounder.
- What if he hates the sea bass? - He's gotta love the sea bass.
Everybody loves the sea bass.
It's the best thing you've ever made.
Yeah, I even used an actual fish this time.
That's atrocious.
I wouldn't feed this to a stray dog, unless that dog tried to serve me this.
I give this food a resounding And cut.
Billy Billy, that sea bass is amazing.
You've gotta give me the recipe.
- You said you hated it.
- Oh, that's just for the cameras.
If I'm nice, nobody's gonna watch.
Audiences wanna see conflict, drama.
People's dreams being stomped on.
That's television! But those are our hopes and dreams that are being stomped on.
Yeah, best food I've had in a long time, made by such a fantastic guy.
It's a shame nobody's ever gonna eat here again.
- Oh! - Oh, that's good stuff.
As you can see, Billy the Squid is one of America's nastiest restaurants.
Run by one of the most pathetic humans I have ever seen.
Which brings me to my three favorite words.
Shut it You want your dessert? Take it to go! That bear's still out there.
- He's just pacing back and forth.
- Guys, I have a plan.
The bear wants in the cabin, and we want out.
- So we'll pull the old switcheroo.
- Yeah Oh, yeah.
Love the old switcheroo.
Why don't you tell Franklin what the old switcheroo is, in case he doesn't know.
You guys open up the back door, so we have a way out.
Then I'll open up the front door a crack so he has a way in.
And then No, no! - Conor! - Conor! Do you see the can of chili?! Oh.
I can't believe Conor's bear chow.
It's all because of us.
And because Conor's clearly the most delicious one of us.
Excuse me! You're saying a bear wouldn't wanna eat me?! Wendell Ruckus is a sweet meat, and a very satisfying meal.
Oh, please.
I bet you're as gamy as a possum.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah! Wait.
We can't keep fighting like this.
That's how we lost our friend.
You know what? You're right.
- We owe Conor that.
- Yeah.
Bring it in.
From now on, I'll only say mean things about you behind your back.
That means a lot, buddy.
- Our plan worked perfectly.
- It was your plan, brother.
We're just lucky I had this bear suit in my van.
Yeah, uh, why do you have a bear suit? 'Cause you never know when Halloween's gonna come around, man.
Yeah, you do.
Halloween is always in October.
Oh, so that's why I keep getting shot with tranquilizer darts.
Haven't you ever looked on a calendar? I got a calendar.
It's up here, brother.
It's based on the wind cycle.
Not so accurate for "the man's" holidays.
You know, Ziggy, these guys have been driving us crazy all weekend.
- Let's give 'em one last scare.
- Why would we do that? Because today is September Fool's Day.
- Already? - Yep.
Let's do it.
As soon as people see the show, - I'm gonna lose all my business.
- You can't blame yourself.
I'm not blaming myself! I'm blaming you! You're the one that invited Jefferson Landry here, then attacked him like some crazy monkey waitress.
- I wouldn't say that - There's the crazy monkey waitress! Oh, great.
The vultures have come to feed off the carcass of my dying restaurant.
- Can we get your autograph? - Why do you want my autograph? 'Cause someone leaked the video of you attacking that jerk Jefferson.
You're like a hero.
We all want autographs.
Uh and you can have 'em, but you have to order something.
And if you Billy-size your meal, she'll roll you out into the parking lot on a dessert cart.
Billy's is back! Who wants to swing from the chandelier like crazy Ashley did? Yeah! Whoo hoo! That'll be 24.
Hey, I found some of Ziggy's granola on that shelf over there, and I want you to have it.
No, no, you found it.
You should have it.
No, no.
If there's one thing I have learned, it's to appreciate my friends and you.
Tell you what.
Let's share it.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
- Those are bugs.
- Definitely bugs.
Oh! Man, you must be hungry.
- Your stomach's growling.
- That wasn't me.
You know where it's coming from? The bear.
You know what? No.
This ends now! Nobody eats our friend! We're gonna fight a bear.
We're gonna fight a real bear.
And we're gonna do it as a team.
For Conor! Wait, no Wait, guys, that's Ziggy.
Please don't do it.
- Game on.
- Oh, they did it.
We did it! Yeah! What did you do? We avenged you, Angel Conor.
- Wait.
Conor? - You're alive! Guys, this isn't a real bear.
It's Ziggy.
We were just trying to scare you into getting along.
Come on, let's show 'em, Ziggy.
It's on here pretty tight.
Hey, man, I found a calendar in my van.
And there's no September Fool's Day.
Whoa, is that a bear? Wait.
If you're there, then that means this is a real Oh! After me! I'm the sweet meat! - Sweet move, Wendell.
- Well, thanks to your help, Franklin.
Oh, teamwork is so swell.
Uh, who are these two? I taught them the value of being good friends.
It's what a great leader does.
Say, friend, who's up for a snack? I am, but let me get it this time.
- No, I insist.
- Oh, no, I insist! - No, please - Again You know what? I'll get the snacks.
I'm coming, too! - Thanks, Conor.
- Thanks, friend.

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