Gamer's Guide To Pretty Much Everything (2015) s01e20 Episode Script

The Goat

1 The egg babies that you've been watching over represent a life so fragile that it must be protected with every fiber of your parental [laughs.]
Uh, you killed your baby, man.
Uh, Mr.
Spanks, could you toss me another precious life? Conor, this is Life Skills class.
Okay? You only have to do two things to pass roll up a pair of socks and take care of an egg.
Now I'll grant you the sock thing is virtually impossible.
But the egg baby thing is easy.
What is wrong with you?! Yeah, Mr.
Spanks wasn't totally wrong.
I've had a bit of an issue keeping my egg babies alive.
No, no, no, no [thud.]
[egg crunches.]
It was just a string of bad luck.
Although this last egg baby may have been my fault.
Deliciously my fault.
This isn't a joke, son.
You think they just sell these by the dozen at the store? That's exactly how they sell them.
[forced laughter.]
That's it.
You, my friend, have just earned yourself a big, fat "F," which means, no more activities after school, - like your little gaming club.
- Wha Wait, what? You can't do that.
I'm the captain.
The gaming club will fold without me.
Okay, just trust me.
I swear, I won't break another egg.
Why?! Okay, there's gotta be something else I can do for extra credit to pass the class.
Come on, Mr.
Spanks, I'll do anything.
Well, maybe there is something you can do to get out of this - deep pile of - Poop? That's right.
You're spending the next two weeks shoveling poop right here at my weekend petting zoo.
[goat bleats.]
That means she's about to go.
I trained all my barnyard beauties to announce their intentions.
[bleating, braying, mooing, other animal noises.]
[elephant trumpeting.]
An elephant in a petting zoo? Seriously?! Come on! You're gonna need a bigger shovel.
[title music.]
Gamer's guide Gamer's guide 1x20 - "The Goat" Gamer's guide Yeah.
No, thank you, sir.
Whoo! Good news.
John's Mobile Petting Zoo just jackknifed on the freeway.
All right! Why is that good news? Because now there's an opening for my petting zoo at the County Fair.
The big time, the big show, the bright lights of Pahrump.
Home of the world's largest stinkhole.
- I think you mean sinkhole.
- No, I do not.
Well, grab your poop shovel, mister.
We're goin' on the road.
What's that, Buttercup? [chuckles.]
You're right.
I didn't even think about that.
Are you talking to the goat? No.
Do you think I'm crazy? The goat was talking to me.
Buttercup's a little nervous.
This is her first big trip.
Well, of course she's nervous.
You can't take a delicate little creature like Buttercup to a city like Pahrump.
All those filthy kids, petting and poking her after playing in that stinkhole all day.
Yuck! I have heard Pahrump's a pretty pokey town.
Of course it is.
She'd be sure to get the lump.
- The lump? - The Pahrump lump.
I don't want her to get the lump in a dump like Pahrump.
If only you could find someone here to stay and watch her.
Pipe down.
You accidentally stumbled upon a great idea that was already in my head.
If you wanna pass Life Skills class, you're gonna stay and watch Buttercup till Sunday.
[animals making noise.]
Well I'd love to help, but, uh, I gotta watch Buttercup.
Here, girl! Come on, girl.
- You know what this is? - A big chili stain? Next to that.
It's my badge, and it means I'm now a certified demolitions assistant.
I can help my cousin Dwayne blow up stuff.
Legally! Is Dwayne the cousin that spray paints dirty words on turtles? No.
That's Darren.
Is Dwayne the one with the tattoo of his face on his face? No.
That's Darvin! Dwayne's the smart one.
First one in our family to go to community college.
He finished an entire semester before getting kicked out.
- Aw.
You must be so proud.
- I am.
The city hired me and Dwayne to blow up that stupid fountain at the river walk.
No, you can't blow up that fountain.
- It's magic! - Magic?! Yeah.
One time, I wished for longer hair, and then, one year later, ta-da! Well, I hope your last wish was to see that thing blow up, because that one's definitely coming true.
Abra-ka-boom! Hey, gamers, now this might be my strangest how-to yet, but this is how to pass your Life Skills class by babysitting a goat.
Step one: get a goat.
Step two: find someone with nothing better to do on a Saturday night to goat-sit for you.
Now you listen to me, honey.
That smooth-talking Billy goat is no good for you.
He never was, and never will be.
[Buttercup bleats.]
You need to find yourself a good ram.
Could you keep the girl talk down over there? What's the point of playing Slaughter City Mayhem if I can't hear the guts splatter? [splattering.]
That's the stuff.
You shouldn't be playing that violent game in front of Buttercup.
She's young and impressionable.
She's a goat.
It's not gonna have any effect on her.
[dramatic music.]
According to the handbook, to determine how much explosives we need, we take the circumference of the fountain, divide by the volume, carry the math Ah, forget it! - Let's just use a whole bunch.
- Dwayne, you are so cool.
You sound like one of my girlfriends.
That's right, girl-friends.
- I've got three! - Yeah, you do.
Now, you are my official pyrotechnics assistant.
Do you know what your critical function is? Run around and tell people when there's about to be a boom? Hey, you're not as dumb and ugly as you look, Wendell.
Thanks, Dwayne! Now the city suggested that we take out this fountain with a couple of jackhammers, but that ain't how us Ruckuses roll.
- How do we roll, Dwayne? - We roll loud and proud.
[imitating explosion.]
[both laugh.]
Now I figured this small fountain was the perfect opportunity to test out my new water-activated C4.
Just a tiny little speck will do this.
Yeah! This fountain is so dead.
[over PA.]
Save the wishing fountain! Sign the petition to save the wishing fountain.
What the heck are you doing? I went to City Hall, and they said if I can get 500 signatures by 3:00 P.
today, they'll reverse their decision - to get rid of the fountain.
- What? No way you'll get 500 signatures for that.
People love this magic fountain.
It's not magic.
Look, I'll show you.
I wish for 100 bucks.
Where is it, Ashley? Huh? Oh, yeah, that's right.
Nowhere! That's why we're blowing up your fountain of lies.
Ugh! I knew we shouldn't have let Buttercup watch that video game.
She's been acting all weird.
Oh, come on.
You're gonna blame the video game just because she bites one old man and barely head-butts a baby? - Oh, no.
Where'd she go now? - Oh, there she is.
Eating out of that bag marked explosives.
Oh, man, your goat is a ticking time bomb.
[dramatic music.]
There you go, Buttercup.
Nice and easy.
Don't even think about your bellyful of explosives.
You'll be just fine.
This thing's gonna blow! [sobbing.]
Well, Dwayne said the C4 will explode - the second it comes in contact with water.
- Oh.
That's horrible.
Luckily, it's sealed in watertight packaging.
- Oh, that's great.
- Unfortunately, her stomach acid is slowly eating through the packaging.
- Oh, that's horrible.
- Luckily, the goat's acids have a much lower pH than an elk or Just tell me what I need to know! In two hours, the goat goes boom.
We gotta get the explosives out.
Maybe we can just feed her something that'll make her barf.
I know just the place.
All right, let's start with a sea snout ball.
Ugh! Okay.
She's sniffing it.
She put it in her mouth.
She's about to chew.
And You dumb goat! Sir please.
She responds to kindness.
Hey, girl.
You need to You dumb goat! [bleating.]
It's almost 3:00.
You're running out of time.
I only need one more signature.
There's gotta be someone here I haven't talked to.
BOTH: Stu! Stu, Stu! You've gotta sign this petition.
You're the only hope of saving the most - magical fountain in this town.
- Don't do it, Stu.
Me and Dwayne are gonna blow this thing sky high.
If that thing blows, thousands of wishes will be gone forever.
You've gotta decide right now.
Are you guys talking to me? Do you want to save the "magic" fountain or blow it up? Well, I do love magic.
- So I'd say blow it up.
- What?! Yes! Here comes one giant homemade prune blast with a fiber boost.
Guaranteed to clean out the pipes.
Give the engine a flush.
- I'm talking about making a poop, sir.
- Yeah, I got it! We were so focused on trying to get those explosives to take the North exit when we should've been sending them South.
A play on words in the face of danger.
What can't you do, sir?! - Uh, where's Buttercup? - I put her in Billy's office because she was making rude gestures at the customers.
What is she drinking? Jamaican jolt juice.
Think it'll have any effect on Buttercup? [bleating, crashing.]
It might.
[distant screaming.]
That goat is going to explode in 30 minutes.
And she's so jacked up on video games and jolt juice, who knows what she might do.
For example, she could throw a trash can at us.
That's it, goat.
Game on.
All right.
When we hit the switch, this fountain is gonna light up the sky so bright, all those astronauts on the Moon are gonna see it.
Yeah, they will.
Taste fountain, moon dudes! All right, you check the fuse.
I'm gonna take off my shirt, show off my six pack.
Oh, hey, ladies.
Check out my six pack.
Apple juice.
Why you running? It's organic! I'm gonna miss you, fountain, so I stayed up all night writing you this poem.
Thank you for granting me a lifetime of wishes, "O Fountain of Wonder" that contains no fishes.
- Believing in stuff is so dumb.
- Oh, really? Remember last Fall, when you got your tonsils out? You mean these? You never throw away a good piece of Ruckus.
Well, you said all you wanted was Funky Monkey ice cream.
I went all over town trying to find it, but there wasn't any.
So I came down to the fountain and wished for it.
And then, what happened? An ice cream truck broke down in front of the hospital.
They gave me so much free Funky Monkey, I filled up three bedpans with barf.
It was the greatest night of my life.
See? This fountain really does grant wishes.
- You used one of them on me.
Why? - 'Cause we're friends.
Hey, cuz, here's your cut for the fountain job.
- A hundred bucks.
- Wow! I thought we were gonna have to pay them! I used my cut on this sweet 'do.
He is so - Gross.
- awesome! Wait.
A hundred bucks.
- That's exactly what I wished for earlier! - Told ya.
This stinkin' fountain is magic! That's it.
Nobody's blowing up nothing.
- I'll be your last signature.
- Ah, come on! Oh, thanks, Wendell.
You're a good friend.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Keep it friendly, not familiar, Ashley.
- Has anybody seen a goat? - I have.
They're short, cute, and they sound like [bleating.]
Wow! I'm good at that.
It's Buttercup.
[stomach gurgling.]
Oh, no.
We're out of time.
Look out!! She pooped! She's gonna be okay.
BOTH: Yes! [Ashley squeals.]
You go, girl! Why are we cheering for a goat going to the bathroom? She passed the explosives, which means I'm gonna pass my Life Skills class.
That sounds like a very confusing class.
And that, gamers, is how you watch a goat.
Buttercup was safe, and now all we had to do was get rid of the little gift she left behind.
Which should've been easy.
Uh, hey, Mr.
You're back early.
Yeah, I came down with the Pahrump lump.
There's my hooved honey.
She's sleeping like a baby.
You, my friend, just passed Life Skills class.
- Yes! - Uh-oh.
Looks like Buttercup had a little accident.
Uh, wait.
I-I can get that.
That doesn't look right.
What'd you feed her? Nothing.
Just a little goat chow.
I'll take care of it.
- No, I already scooped it.
I got it.
- No, no, I insist.
Nooo! Hit the deck! It's just fountain poop.
I'll get it.
That was beautiful.
Looks like my work here is done.
BOTH: Ah, come on! [coughing.]
Fourth and six.
Out trots the punter.
Taxi [splash.]
Look at that.
We put it back together exactly the way it was.
I think it's even better than it was.
Now let's see if this wishing fountain still works.
Funky Monkey.
Oh, yeah, it works.
Hey! [punch, grunts.]
Yeah, it does work!
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