Gamer's Guide To Pretty Much Everything (2015) s02e02 Episode Script

The Olym-Pig Torch

1 Well, it's official.
Our reputation has hit rock bottom.
Thumbs of Fury is a laughingstock.
Did it get out that I accidentally said to my teacher, "I love you, Mommy"? What? No.
No, it's even worse.
Because of Franklin, Thumbs of Fury has been made into a meme.
Do you mean the Bakersfield barfing incident? People are unsubscribing from our channel left and right.
We've got less followers than that napping cat.
- I follow Nappy Cat.
- Me, too.
We all follow Nappy Cat! He's adorable.
That's not the point.
The point is, even if we win every tournament, they'll never invite us to Nationals if they think we're a joke.
Well, maybe we can find a way to turn our image around.
There's gotta be something we can do to boost Thumbs of Fury's image.
We could hold a sign on the freeway overpass, or one of us could carry the Olympic torch on national television.
- Or we could hand out bumper stickers.
- Wait.
How would you do that? It's easy.
You just go to the sticker store.
Come on.
No, no.
"Carry the Olympic torch.
" Oh, it's coming through Redwood on its way to the Rio games.
And Mayor Landry's picking one local celebrity to carry it.
That's it! Conor, you should carry the torch.
You're the most famous guy in this town.
- You think so? - Absolutely, sir.
People have paid good money online for your toenail clippings.
- That was you.
- Yeah.
I'm people.
Maybe you're right.
I'm gonna go talk to the mayor.
Oh, you guys seen Wendell? He said he had a business meeting with his cousin Dwayne.
Dwayne? That guy's a certified nut job.
WENDELL: Dwayne, you are a certified genius! You know it, little dude.
Known fact: 83% of all cell phones end up getting flushed down the toilet.
Cha-ching! Now all we gotta do is rinse 'em off and sell 'em back to the owners for five times as much.
[pig squealing.]
Oh! Did you hear that? That sounded like a sewer pig.
Wendell, sewer pigs ain't real.
It's just like Bigfoot or unicorns, or the Moon.
I'm telling you, that pig is real, and it ate my pants two times.
You gotta stop eating those vegetables.
The vitamins are starting to mess with your brain.
[loud squealing.]
BOTH: Sewer pig! Aaah! [squealing.]
[fabric ripping.]
DWAYNE: My pants! [title music.]
Gamer's Guide Gamer's Guide 2x02 - The Olym-Pig Torch Gamer's Guide Hey, gamers, before the Bakersfield barfing incident, Thumbs of Fury's reputation was up here.
Now we're here.
But I'll fix that by convincing the mayor that I'm the right guy to carry the Olympic torch, wearing all of our Thumbs of Fury gear.
The whole watching me running with the Olympic torch, holding it high and proud [fan blades whirring.]
Lucky for me, there won't be any ceiling fans during the torch run.
And just then, the crowd looks up [music plays.]
and sees me comin' over the crest of Hickman Hill.
You hear the citizens begin to cheer in one voice Are they cheering for the torch? - No.
- They're cheering for you? No.
They're cheering for the mayor who was - brave enough to pick me.
- Yes! Yes, it was me! I did it! [music stops.]
So, what do you think, mayor? Oh, I'd love to offer you the position, but I'm already in talks with a former Olympic athlete in town.
- Really? Who is it? - Hello, mayor.
I was wondering what shorts I'd wear for the torch run tomorrow.
I could go with these or the short ones.
Miss McManus? You were an Olympian? What was your event? [heavy thud.]
- Janice is a shot putter! - Yeah.
I got that.
'96 Olympics.
My last throw was known as the grunt heard round the world.
[grunts loudly.]
That's how I got this dark gold medal.
That's not dark gold.
- It's bronze.
- [chuckles.]
But it still got me some serious lippage from the Brazilian water polo team.
Well, Janice, you're looking at someone who's actually done something this century.
I'm an e-sports celebrity.
- Oh, e-sports celebrity.
- Your thumb.
My thumbs are very strong.
[both arguing.]
People, please! You can both present your case to the city council tonight - at the river walk.
- This isn't over, Conor.
I know.
He literally just said we have to present to the council tonight.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a top-secret meeting about a pig who dwells in the sewers beneath our city.
It's very hush-hush.
Uh, you're not very good at hush-hush, are you? I'm not very good at a lot of things.
- BOTH: Pull.
- Oh! Ahem.
I'll need a table for three.
It's a top-secret meeting that no one can know about Oh, there they are.
Hello! Glad you came here.
This is a real emergency.
You wanna know about a real emergency, you should ask me about the crack in the dam.
There's a crack in the dam? Who told you that?! It's hush-hush! Now you boys are 100% certain this sewer pig is real? As real as all the voices in my head.
Not now, Carl.
And you're certain you can take care of this pig? - Yeah, but it'll cost you.
Our fee is - One million.
- Two million.
- Three million.
- Four million.
- I'll pay you $500.
- BOTH: We'll take it! Oh, now that we're buds there are a few parking tickets I'd love for you to take care of.
For the service you're performing for our city, I'd be happy to.
That's more than one, isn't it? How many parking citations can one person get? Well, don't call it the park if you don't want me to park in the middle of it.
I'd be annoyed, but I feel like I'm at a magic show.
Voilá! And just then, the crowd looks up, and sees me coming over the crest of Hickman Hill.
You hear the citizens begin to cheer in one voice.
- They're cheering for the torch? - No.
They're cheering for you? No.
They're cheering for the city council who was brave enough to pick me! [cheering, applause.]
All right, Janice, your turn.
Sure, Conor seems like the "right" choice.
But did you know he hangs out with the town's worst delinquent Wendell Ruckus? [all gasping.]
- Oh, no.
- She played the Wendell card.
Every gamer knows you have to stay one step ahead of your opponent.
I knew Janice would play the Wendell card, so I had to come prepared with a card of my own.
I didn't want to, but Okay, I actually really did want to.
It is a good card! No.
I'm not a perfect man.
We've all made mistakes.
I've made several since I sat down here.
Ladies and gentlemen of the city council, I present to you this photo from the 1996 Olympic games, proving that Janice McManus has serious rage issues.
[all gasping.]
Well this changes things.
Janice, you're out.
Conor, you got the job.
Wait, no! My rage issues are a thing of the past.
I'm totally under control.
You're not getting the job, Janice.
[heavy thud.]
[all gasping.]
Now that the torch has been run in from Sacramento, tomorrow morning, this brave young e-sports celebrity will do our town proud by running it from Mondale High all the way to here, our beloved river walk.
And all on live TV! Don't ask me why, but avoid the dam.
When the torch stays overnight in the city, it's traditional for someone to be named the official keeper of the flame.
- Fine.
You got the job.
- Yes! [sighs.]
I shall guard it with honor.
Forget honor.
Use my zapper.
[electricity crackling.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What do you want, Janice? Well, it looks like I'll never get to carry the torch.
But I was hoping you'd let me light a candle to rejuvenate my Olympic spirit.
Ha! I don't think so, sister.
I'm keeper of the flame, and I don't know where - your dirty cat candle has been.
- Franklin.
All right.
But I got my eye on you.
You'll never know what this means to me.
- Uh, Janice.
Your hair - Here today, gone tomorrow.
That's why you gotta seize every opportunity.
You're smoking.
I stopped eating during yoga.
Spending three hours waist-deep in raw sewage was a lot less fun than I thought.
And that is exactly why we're moving on to plan number B.
Last night, I was working on my pig calls to lure him out.
Check it.
[clears throat.]
- Hey, pig, get in the dang net! - Wow, Dwayne.
Is there anything you can't do? I can't hunt in the zoo anymore.
Thanks, government.
I couldn't help but overhear your pathetic pig call.
Oh, yeah? You think you can do better than me? [making sound of pig squealing.]
Yeah, she can do better than you.
[sewer pig squealing.]
Dang, sewer pig answered you from this drain over here.
Yeah, I talk to him all the time.
Sewer pig is the most gentle and misunderstood of all the pipe animals.
Well, Dwayne and I are gonna catch it, and when we do, - we're gonna tie it up and we're gonna - Gonna cuddle it.
We're gonna tie it up, and then we're gonna - cuddle it so good.
- Why? Why? 'Cause we wanna protect it.
That's why.
And you may not know this, but the mayor hired two dudes not us to hunt down the sewer pig.
- Yep, and you gotta help us save it.
- Mm-hmm.
I'd do anything for sewer pig.
Let me go change.
You hear that, pig? We're comin' for ya.
Your pants-eating days are over.
Yeah, and we're not afraid of you.
We're the two toughest pig hunters [loud squealing.]
So, gamers, I'm gonna be running with the Olympic torch.
Since the team's image is on the line, I gotta know what I'm doing, which is why I went out and got this game.
Clutch's Olympic Torch Run.
I thought it'd be more of a help, but you pretty much just run with the torch while this meathead Clutch shouts out obvious tips.
"You are currently running.
" "Jump over the puddle.
" "That's a torch in your hand.
" Anyway, I think I'll be fine, as long as I [drill whirring.]
Uh, as I was saying, I think I'll be fine [whirring.]
I think I'll be fine as long as What are you even doing?! I built a windscreen for the torch.
It's not going out on my watch.
Now I just need to clear off a little drill dust.
What have I done? Flame's out, flame's out! Oh, they're gonna have to cancel the Olympics! - Calm down.
- I can't calm down! As keeper of the flame, I just had one job.
To keep the flame! Oh Relax, Franklin.
We'll just relight it with the barbecue lighter.
- No one will ever know.
- I'll know! And I could never live with a lie that big.
The only thing to do is tell the whole world what I did.
Thumbs of Fury can't be known for putting out the Olympic torch, Franklin! Our reputation is bad enough.
Okay, well, the only way to officially relight the torch is with a fire from the original flame.
Since we both know that's not gonna happen, I'm gonna have to tell everyone what I did.
No, no, no! I know someone who has the original flame.
- Who? - The same person who turns the library into her personal spa every night after work.
BOTH: Janice.
[romantic music plays.]
"As Waylon the swarthy trucker looked into the eyes of the lonely waitress, Darla, he began to feel warm all over.
He was either in love or sitting on his waffles.
" [exhales.]
- Got me? - Yep.
Almost there.
[all shrieking.]
Well, if you wanna use this flame, it's gonna cost ya.
I wanna be the one who carries the torch tomorrow.
What? No, we need that to fix our reputation.
Oh, I'll give you a reputation.
That one will be known as the keeper of the flame who couldn't keep the flame! So what do you say? Am I carrying the torch tomorrow or not? [inhales.]
Fine! You win.
Those pants are some prime sewer pig bait.
I feel ridiculous.
Can we just hang the pants on a stick or something? [scoffs.]
That's not how it works.
Sewer pig loves the thrill of the hunt.
Now wiggle.
Sewer pig, he's coming.
Oh, man, look what he did to your pants.
Huh? Oh, no.
I did that.
When you're packing grade A leg meat like this, you don't cover it up.
Ashley, call the pig.
Oh, here it comes.
Lock and load.
Oh, that pig's a goner.
Wait a second.
What are you guys doing with those? Beat it, Blondie.
Your work here is done.
You're the two dudes the mayor hired to hunt the pig! Ha! Look who just graduated from Obvious College.
Here, piggy, piggy, piggy.
Here, piggy, piggy, piggy.
Here, piggy, piggy [both grunt.]
Argh! We're caught in our own dang pig net.
Oh, the irony.
Be free, you beautiful beast! You're no longer stuck in the sewer! The world is yours to explore! [horn honks, pig squeals, tires screech.]
[crash, pig squeals.]
[bones cracking.]
Dislocated! Ah, relocated! Thank you, Mr.
Mayor, for allowing Janice to run with the torch.
Letting a woman with known rage issues run through our town with an open flame isn't the worst decision I've made.
I wouldn't even put it in your top ten.
Doesn't really matter.
Once that dam breaks, we're all goners anyway.
Ooh, they have kettle corn! Franklin, all right.
We may have blown our chance at restoring our team's image, but if we position ourselves right, we still might get some camera time.
MAYOR: All right, Janice, time to run.
Let's go.
JANICE: This is what the true spirit of the Olympics is all about.
Me being better than these pathetic losers.
Lookin' good, Redwood! Love you! [sewer pig squealing.]
Is that a BOTH: Sewer pig! [music.]
It's going for her pants.
The torch! [all cheering.]
Game on.
I'm Olympic torch carrier Clutch, and I'm here to help you clutch victory.
Traffic cone ahead.
Look out for the manhole.
Clutch jump! Okay, thanks, Clutch.
I got this.
Don't forget to keep holding that torch.
Power move! So, gamers, that's how you get your reputation back.
All you gotta do is miraculously catch the Olympic torch after a sewer pig eats your librarian's pants.
But you probably already knew that.
How did you two get out? You think that's the first time we've had to chew our way out of a pig net in a sewer? That hog is worth 500 bucks.
Hand it over.
You want him? Go get him.
All right, pig Aah! [squealing.]
Help me! Don't worry, little buddy.
I will stay by your side.
We are gonna get you outta there, no matter Hey, hold up! Dwayne, where'd you go? Come back! [pig squealing, fabric tearing.]
Aah! He got my pants!
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