Gamer's Guide To Pretty Much Everything (2015) s02e01 Episode Script

The Ringer

1 How 'bout this one? Would you rather fight a hundred duck-sized horses or one horse-sized duck? Easy! A hundred duck-sized horses.
I'd go to town on 'em with a golf club.
You can't have a golf club.
I'm not going into a tiny horse fight without a golf club.
That's just crazy! Hey, Ash! I went ahead and signed us up for the annual charity basketball game against Yuba.
If you're looking for a charity to play for, I highly recommend the Rats For Ruckus Foundation.
It's where you buy me rats.
Why don't I go with the charity Ashley volunteers for.
It's called Gamers Give Back and it provides video games to the local children's hospital.
Giving is overrated.
Taking is where it's at.
Those poor kids in the hospital need video games.
Right now, they have nothing to do but read books.
Books! Well, don't get your hopes up.
There's a reason no one else from Redwood volunteered to play.
Yuba always recruits the best players.
Well, this year, we did a little recruiting of our own.
I convinced the foreign exchange student Vlad to be on our team.
What's so special about him? So, that's what's so special about him.
Thanks for giving me this pair of sweet American jean shorts, Conor.
Those actually aren't shorts.
They're just a pair of my regular pants.
But you're welcome.
Hey, you want to go practice our full court zone defense? Oh! How about we do the one where you pick me up - and I dunk it? - You got it, cowboy! OK.
Ooh! Here comes Franklin.
I'm Wendell Ruckus and someone is about to get Rekt! [groaning.]
How'd you see that coming? Because you do the same Rekt videos every day.
They're boring, predictable, and stale.
What? Everyone loves my Rekt videos.
Yeah? Uh, how many views does the last one have? Six! Wait.
That can't be right.
Everyone's calling you a hack.
- Nobody's calling me a hack.
- Excuse me, hack.
See? He He doesn't know the language.
In his country, "hack" probably means "exciting dude who knows how to keep it fresh".
It means person who is boring, predictable, and stale.
Also known as a vandal.
I'll show you predictable and stale.
Ohh! Ow! [theme music playing.]
Gamer's Guide Gamer's Guide 2x01 - "The Ringer" Gamer's Guide Oh, there he is! Oh! Vlad you missed practice.
We've been looking all over for you.
Well, you should've looked here.
'Cause this is where I am.
As co-captain of this team, I'm benching you for the first half of the game.
He's our only chance of winning.
You're playing every half of the game! Oh, he'll be playin' all right, brah.
Playin' for Yuba.
I'm sorry, Conor, but they bribed me with gift cards and this sweet baby hog.
- But I gave you a pair of jeans.
- Well, where I'm from, gift cards and baby hog are better than jeans.
- Looks like you're a man short, brah.
- And the short man.
[both laugh.]
This charity means a lot to us.
Why do you have to steal our player? 'Cause we got a charity of our own, lady brah.
It's called Yachts For Tots.
- Yacht for tots? - Chah.
It's where we open up our yachts to poor toddlers for a few hours, then we kick 'em off and throw an epic party.
Ha ha ha! You snake! There's just one thing I wanna know.
How do you get invited to this yacht party? And what can we bring? Yeah, no.
You bros ain't coming.
You might have Vlad, but we'll just go down to the Rec Center.
There are tons of great ballers down there.
The only dribbling those old guys do is with their mouths.
[both laughing.]
It's funny, because "dribbling," - it means two things.
- Yeah! - Whatever.
- Let's hit it, Vlad.
[engine revving.]
See you, suckers! Braxton, it happened again! 'Sup, trolls! I've decided to take my Rekt videos to the next level.
Not because of anything Franklin said, but because I'm definitely not a hack! Here's how it's gonna go down.
After the big charity game, I'm gonna blindfold Franklin, then make him believe he hit a half-court shot and won a butt-ton of money.
And he'll be all, like, "Oh, gee! I could go buy more nerd stuff.
" Then I'll be all, like, "Sorry, dude! You've been Rekt by a guy who's not a hack!" It'll be sweet.
Then I'll get all my dumb idiot viewers to come crawling back Oh I wasn't talkin' about you guys.
I was talkin' about different guys.
Phew! Saved it.
Those dumb idiots will believe anything.
Oh, come on! All right, Ash.
Keep your eyes open.
We gotta figure out which one of these guys is the absolute best.
Wow! The best of these guys is the absolute worst.
The name's Morty "Sugar Hips" Goldstein.
You two, uh [chuckles.]
looking for a run? - No.
We're all set.
- Why do they call you Sugar Hips? Because I had these bad boys replaced.
You're looking at an 80-year-old man with the hips of a 60-year-old.
I gotta do some sprints to warm up.
Ashley, do you know who that is? BOTH: NBA Rookie of the Year Karl-Anthony Towns from the Minnesota Timberwolves! [squeal in excitement.]
I am such a big fan.
Should I ask for an autograph? Would that be weird? Would it be weird if I didn't? KARL: Kid Fury! I'm such a big fan.
I wanted to ask you for an autograph! But then I thought it'd be a little weird.
Then I thought it'd be weird if I didn't.
CONOR/KARL: Can I have an autograph? Yeah! - So, what are you doing in Redwood? - We're in town playing the Kings and I thought I'd get some shots in.
Uh, Karl, I know this sounds crazy,ut, we're looking for a third player for a charity tournament tomorrow night.
Ashley! What are you doing? He's a professional basketball player.
- You can't just ask if - Yeah, I'm in! See, Ashley? That's why I always say you gotta ask.
I can't believe we're gonna be playing with ALL: NBA Rookie of the Year Karl-Anthony Towns from the Minnesota Timberwolves! - Woo-hoo! - It's me! What?! Are you going with this scrub? I got game.
Hey, Wally.
Throw me the rock.
Yeah we're gonna go with Karl.
You're makin' a big mistake! [cell phone vibrates.]
Your new friend Karl-Anthony Towns just texted you.
"Hey, just got out of practice.
Are you still down to play video games later?" - That's, like, his 10th text.
- Yeah, these NBA guys are clingy! "Hey, Karl, heck yeah I'm down to game.
See you later.
" Salsa dancer, salsa dancer, sunglasses smiley.
I can't wait to see the look on Yuba's faces when we show up.
They're gonna be so scared they'll quit and cancel the game.
I know, right? [both laughing.]
[both gasp.]
Oh, no! We can't show up with an NBA player.
If they quit, your charity will get nothing.
I can't let that happen.
They're expecting us to show up with an old guy from the Rec Center, right? So that's what we'll give 'em.
If you're talking about Sugar Hips, forget it.
The game's at five, he goes to bed at 4:30.
Not Morty.
I'll make an appointment with my uncle.
He's the makeup artist who does all the characters at the Haunted Mansion.
I'll bet he can make him look like an old man.
Or a werewolf! But that probably won't help.
Let's go with the old man.
'Sup, trolls! My kick-butt plan is in motion.
I leaked the story of Franklin's half-court shot to a local TV news station, and they took the bait! They even asked to be the ones that tell him the "good news".
We're here at Mondale High with good news for one local student.
- Congratulations! [party horn blares.]
- Aah! [panting.]
Why would you scare a little boy like that?! Because you, Franklin Delgado, have been selected for a chance to win $10,000 by taking the blindfolded half court shot at the charity basketball game this weekend.
Me? Selected? Dollars? Weekend?! Oh, man.
They're giving you a chance to win 10 grand? I am shocked and jealous.
Franklin, do you think you can sink that shot? Well, Marla, I know a thing or two about basketball, and I think I might just toss a home run right through the goal hole.
Check this out.
- Money! - [grunts.]
Uhh! And then the Yubans will never know it's you because you'll be made over to look like an old man.
That's not a good plan, Conor.
- That's a great plan.
- Yeah.
- You ready to game? - Yeah.
"Karl-Anthony Town's Nothin But Net"? That doesn't come out for another month! I helped design the game, so, you know, I got an advance copy.
You know, it's based on my skills, so - it may not be fair for you.
- I think I'll be all right.
I'm about to crush Kid Fury.
Ha! You just got crushed by Kid Fury! You just keep getting lucky! Forty-nine times in a row might not be luck.
Man, that's cold! You see that woman right there in the stands throwing her shoes at me? That's my mom! Wait, wait.
Karl, wh-where are you going? - Man, I'm outta here! - Oh, but c-come on, Karl.
It was just a game! We're cool, right? [door slams.]
Oh, man.
[phone buzzing.]
Frowny pooh, frowny pooh, frowny pooh? Oh, we are not cool.
Uh, Conor, where's Karl? It's 15 minutes to game time.
You know how these pro athletes are.
They over-extend themselves with their commitments.
You know, kissin' babies and opening banks - You crushed him, didn't you? - Like an ant.
He stormed out of my house, and then he sent me this.
- Is that a frowny poop? - Mm-hmm.
But, don't worry, OK? I got it covered.
- I have a backup plan.
- What kind of backup plan do you have? MORTY: Listen, honey, in case I go up for a rebound, be an angel and hold my teeth.
Did you say teeth? Ohh! He asked you, not me! WENDELL: Hey, basketball fans, So, my "friend" is in the locker room, and he's going to take a blindfolded half-court shot for $10,000.
He's gonna miss by a mile, and when he does you guys go nuts like he actually made it so we trick him into thinking I actually owe him all that money.
It'll be funny 'cause he's a nerdy tool.
Oh, here he comes.
Let's give it up for Franklin Delgado! [crowd cheering.]
If I am lucky enough to make this shot, I am giving half my winnings to the Gamers Give Back charity.
Thank you.
And the other half, to you beautiful people who came out here to support me my athletic supporters! [cheers, applause.]
Why am I sharing my winnings with you? It's like Eleanor Roosevelt once said: "He who" WENDELL: Just shoot the ball, you nerdy tool! This is awesome.
He's not even facing the right way.
[crowd cheering wildly.]
I did it! I did it! Whoo! I am master of the basket ring.
Touchdown! I owe Franklin $10,000? [thud.]
Oh, man.
We're gonna get killed out there.
And then the Yubans are gonna win the charity money and throw a huge yacht party for a bunch of toddlers.
- And not even invite us.
- We'll be fine.
Are you kidding? Karl's not here and his backup isn't exactly ready to throw down.
[Morty snoring.]
Well maybe he could help.
Him? [laughing.]
How is this old fossil gonna Hello.
He's huge.
Wait a minute.
Karl? How did When did Ashley reminded me there's no excuse for being a sore loser.
She taunts me worse than any coach ever has.
She has problems.
You're on thin ice, Karl, and it's getting warm outside.
Hey, hey! Sorry, Ashley, I just get competitive sometimes.
Yeah, I get that, Karl.
I'm pretty competitive myself.
Probably more competitive than you are.
- No.
- Yes.
- Negatory.
- Uh Pository.
Save it for the court! [laughs.]
Are you kidding me? This dinosaur is your third player? I may be old, but I still got some gas in this tank.
- Ooh.
- Check out these moves.
[music plays on boombox.]
I call this one Slow Butter.
Oh yeah, OK.
Moving the hips.
Churning that butter.
[whistle blows.]
Good luck, loser bros.
Game on.
[whistle blows.]
That one's for you, Mom.
Nothin' but net.
Ha! Here we go, here we go! Whoa! [buzzer.]
[crowd groans.]
- I'm sorry, guys.
- Ah, it's OK, Karl.
We still beat 'em by 60.
OK, where did you find this guy? Yeah? Not bad for "an old fossil, cha-yah?" Vlad, this is all your fault.
You were supposed to be our ringer.
But old man is better ringer.
I'm taking away your scooter, brah! No, you can't take my sweet baby hog.
It is lady magnet! That angry mob is really angry.
[angry mob outside.]
Where's the money, Wendell? You know, it's one thing for you to try and embarrass me.
- But I promised that money to charity.
- There isn't any.
And I think you've learned a valuable lesson about promising people money you don't have.
[door rattling.]
[mob shouting.]
That charity is getting their $5000 and you're coming up with it.
Oh, no, I'm not.
I'll sneak out of here wearing one of these fancy hockey masks.
That's a jock strap.
- I know that.
- Look, Wendell, if you're not gonna pony up the money, maybe I should just let these people know.
OK, OK! I was just trying to step up my Rekt game.
It was all a prank, a joke, a delightful ruse.
[doorknob rattling, mob roaring.]
You gotta get me out of here! I'll sneak you out of here.
But you're coming up with that money.
OK, fine, how am I gonna do that? I have an idea.
[mob shouting.]
Hey, I'm Wendell Ruckus and someone is about to get Rekt.
Rargh! Rekt! Thank you.
All right, who's next? If he Rekt you, this is your shot at revenge.
Only five bucks.
How much have we raised? Only a hundred bucks.
But we're in good shape.
This line goes all the way out to the parking lot.
That hack rekt me while I was playing shuffleboard.
He's the reason I had to get new hips.
Aaaah! [grunts.]
[all cheering.]
- Hey, can you sign this? - No problem.
- Voilá! - OK, hold up, hold up.
Whoo! [yelling.]
Oh, try that, guy! Toss me the rock!
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