Gamer's Guide To Pretty Much Everything (2015) s02e04 Episode Script

The Rankening

1 You sure are going to town on that granola.
This isn't some stinky, hippie granola.
This is ferret chow.
Okay, I'll ask.
Why are you eating ferret chow? If it's good enough for the most kick-butt animal on the planet, it's good enough for me.
Ooh, blood grub.
And it's a squirter.
- Everybody, I got big news.
- You don't have big news.
Whenever you have big news, you bring us a cake from Dantoni's.
- He doesn't have big news.
- No way.
Uh, I do, and I had a cake.
I just accidentally sat on it.
ALL: He's got big news! The International Gaming League just announced they'll be releasing their first round of team rankings this Saturday! How high do you think we'll be ranked, sir? In the heavenly seventy? The nifty fifty? The fortified forty-five? Franklin, please.
You've got Kid Fury as your leader, and I'm always in the top ten.
Hey, gamers, so the International Gaming League rankings are a very big deal.
They take into account tournament wins, individual stats, and if you're lucky, the overall hunkiness of the team leader.
Now, only the top 50 teams at the end of the year get to go to the IGL Nationals in New York City, and I love New York.
I even speak the language.
What are you tawkin' about, buddy? That's my cab.
Oh, really? Really? What am I gonna do? I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna [horn blares.]
with my bowling shoe.
They're gonna live stream the ranking announcement on Saturday, so I say we have a little viewing party at the Squid.
- Sweet! - Party! - I'll bring the blood grubs.
Sir, I hate to be a doubting Deborah, but we don't know exactly where we're gonna be ranked, so let's not get too crazy.
You know what? Franklin's right.
Let's just keep it a small, little gathering - with a few friends.
- Yeah.
I'm glad we didn't go too crazy.
Hey, I paid for a lot more confetti than this, pal.
That's what I'm talkin' about.
[Title music.]
Gamer's Guide Gamer's Guide 2x04 - The Rankening Gamer's Guide Hey, everybody, just wanna say, it's good to see everyone here.
Our friends, family, those weird dudes from the bowling alley that no one invited.
This is so exciting.
Alice thinks we're gonna be number one.
Here we go again with the imaginary girlfriend.
I'm not imaginary, Wendell.
I've been going out with Franklin for three months.
We walked here together.
Oh, yeah! I remember you.
How you doing? You got a boyfriend? BOTH: Yes! Not buying it.
All right, they're about to announce the rankings, so everyone be quiet.
IGL host Faruq Tauheed here, counting down IGL's top 1,000 teams.
Really?! I gotta read 1,000 of these things?! And here we go.
Our top teams are and rounding out the top five is Thumbs Of Fortune! Okay, okay, we're not in the top five.
But I guarantee you, we're in the top ten.
And ranked at number 998 as if anyone is still watching, is Oh, come on.
At 999 [Yells.]
Yes!! Yes! Check your rearview mirrors, Minivan Mommas, 'cause we're hot on your tail.
Whoo! Oh, really? Yes, that's great.
Thank you, Jerry.
Ha ha! I knew it.
I talked to my buddy down at IGL, and he said there was a mistake in the calculations.
We're not ranked 999.
He's sending me the real ranking right now.
Our real ranking is number one - [all gasping.]
- thousand and four.
Way to go, Conor.
Your little phone call just cost us five spots.
Now I can't rock this anymore.
You shouldn't be rocking that in the first place.
Okay, according to the rankings breakdown Jerry sent, our tournament points are solid, but our individual stats are way down.
Franklin, you didn't play a single hour last week.
Look, I had a viewing party to plan.
You think those eggs deviled themselves? Wendell, what's your excuse? Hey, I got a ferret farm to run.
I gotta feed 'em, I gotta clean 'em, I gotta get 'em in the mood for breeding.
How do you do that? Put 'em in the cage and look away.
Okay, Ashley.
Uh, don't look at me, Conor.
I've been a little preoccupied lately.
It's prom season, and there are four guys who wanna take me.
I'm in the middle of playing some serious mind games.
You three should be ashamed of yourselves.
You know whose fault this is? Mine.
I tried to treat you like adults.
Where'd that get me? [Crying.]
You know what? I spoiled you.
I spoiled you with my love.
Okay, dude, this is gettin' weird.
The only way we can even dream of making it to Nationals this year is if gaming is our top priority.
And it starts right now.
- We still have three classes left.
- It starts at 2:30.
At 2:30, I'm going to Dantoni's Bakery for some cinnamon puffs.
Oh, I love Dantoni's.
The apple puffs just melt in your mouth.
Guys, don't forget about the cream puffs.
BOTH: Oh! I love when they put the drizzle on it.
ALL: The drizzle! Hey, guys, guys, we get it! Everyone loves Dantoni's.
You can't order wrong there.
You three are gonna be in my basement at 2:30 sharp.
Oh, I'll be there.
But I'm gonna be a little late, - 'cause Wendell's gettin' his puff on! - Ahem.
See ya at 2:30.
Should've captured that base by now, Ashley.
Come on, Wendell, take out that camper, and Franklin, quit hiding in that cave.
Can we take a break? We've been playing for hours, and I need to go to the bathroom.
Wendell's been playing for just as long; - He doesn't have to go.
- Ha! Not anymore.
Do you guys realize what the other squads are saying about us online? Look.
"Ashley couldn't play herself out of a paper bag.
" Not true.
"Wendell's a raging troll who's nothing but a team killer.
" I mean, it's true, but still.
Yeah, yeah.
"Franklin's a weasely noob" who's probably afraid of his own shadow.
" You're darn right I am.
Shadows are creepy.
Sometimes they're big, sometimes they're small.
- Franklin, look.
- [screams.]
Ha! What a tool.
Okay, okay, can we please just focus and get back on the sticks? Why aren't you on the sticks, Conor? Because I'm not the problem, Ashley.
You guys are the problem.
You're the ones holding me back.
We're holding you back? I thought we were a team.
Yeah, it's not much of a team if I'm the only one making Thumbs of Fury a priority.
You know, sometimes, I think I can get a higher team ranking by myself.
Oh, you think so? Well, why don't we find out? - I'm outta here.
- I'm outta here, too.
Me, too.
And to think I got you a puff.
- You never gave me a puff.
- Yeah, 'cause I ate it.
Hey, gamers, so, uh, my team walked out on me because I said I could do better without them, but see, I did it for a reason.
Because the key to being a great leader is to show your team you don't really need 'em.
Anyway, I crunched the numbers, and it turns out Thumbs of Fury still has a chance of making it to Nationals if we win 20 ranked matches by Sunday.
And by we, I mean me and my new teammates.
There's Bad Boy Conor.
What's up? There's Shy Conor.
What's up? And there's Vaguely European Conor.
[Weird accent.]
What's up with you now, peoples? Who is Conor to tell us our priorities are out of whack? My priorities are totally in whack.
Now that I'm not busy with Thumbs of Fury, I can focus on the more important things, like chucking dead rats at that hippie at the bus stop.
Well, I told my mom I'd help her with her plumbing business.
- [Phone rings.]
- Yeah? Uh-huh.
Okay, I'm on it.
I got a code three clog at the Buffet Barn.
Duty calls.
I guess it really does.
Free from gaming, this might work out.
Alice has been begging me to spend more time with her.
Who's Alice? My girlfriend who you've already met, and hit on several times.
- Huh.
Doesn't ring a bell.
- [frustrated groan.]
But I did meet an Alice at our party, and she was giving me the "kiss me" eyes.
[Watch beeping.]
I gotta go.
The 4:15 bus is coming around, and the hippie is just standing there, not getting hit by rats.
- Hey, pumpkin, guess who.
- Mom? No.
Country cross-over star Shania Twain? No.
Alice Cooper, godfather of shock rock? [Gasps.]
Your girlfriend? Oh.
I'd know those hands anywhere.
I got our whole week planned out.
We're gonna be spending a lot of time together.
I can't wait.
Stop wearing socks with your sandals, hippie! Nice shot, Conor.
Thanks, Conor.
I've got your back, Conor.
You just got tongued, sucka.
The controller tastes like wet rat.
Must be Wendell's.
All right, scrubs, I'm gonna take you all out.
Butt shot.
I always forget the power of my own butt.
Oh! And you said a whole day at the candle museum would be boring.
Wrong!! I could've stayed there for wicks.
[Raucous laughter.]
- Get it? - Yeah, I got it the first nine times you said it.
Look, Franklin, I gotta go.
I have a dentist appointment with Dr.
We have a dentist appointment with Dr.
I booked the chair next to you.
Okay, this is getting a little - Perfect? - No.
Look, when you were busy gaming, it gave me a chance to actually miss you.
But now that I'm spending all this time with you, I don't like you.
At all.
Who's that? She single? No, she's my girlfriend.
I mean, was.
It's complicated.
She dumped your skinny butt, didn't she? When you put it like that, it's not that complicated.
Anyway, what's up with you? Now that I'm not gaming anymore, I'm spending a lot of time with the rats down at the dump.
I think one of them bit me.
See anything back there? I wish that was the grossest thing I'd seen today.
But I pulled this out of the shower drain at the senior center.
Looks like some of those seniors are losing a lot more than their driver's license.
Why did you keep it? I didn't.
It followed me here.
That's it.
I miss the team.
I miss gaming.
I miss us.
We took our squad for granted, and we let Conor down.
I think we know what we need to do.
Refuse to admit we were wrong, and live out the rest of our lives with painful regret.
We gotta go see him and apologize.
Okay, but first I'm poppin' that boil.
You gotta go to a doctor.
I've had way worse rat boils than this.
Come on, Conor.
Where's my support, Conor? I said flank him, Conor! Nice, Conor.
Won another one.
I've been playing for 48 hours straight.
Which means I'm on a roll! Gotta keep climbing those rankings.
Game on.
Whoo hoo! Get it, Conor! Sorry, trolls, you're gonna have to do better than that.
Nothing can stop me now! [Snoring.]
- Conor.
It's Faruq Tauheed.
- Wha? Faruq? What are you doing here? The IGL sent me over to give you some good news.
- Did I beat 20 teams? - No, bro.
You beat them all! Thumbs of Fury is now ranked number one! [Laughs.]
Yes! I did it! And who are these two? They're your two biggest fans.
They're here to kiss you, and present you with your prize check of one trillion dollars! That seems a little excessive, but all right.
Conor, Conor BOTH: Conor, Conor, Conor, Conor! - Conor! - Conor! Shh.
Take it easy.
I'll kiss you both.
[Kissing sounds.]
- I think we should let him sleep.
- Uh-huh.
Look, guys, Conor's been on a marathon gaming session.
Look how many teams he was trying to beat.
Yeah, and he failed.
Couldn't do it all on his own.
What a tool.
I wish he had beat all these teams.
Then we'd be back in contention for the Nationals.
No wonder he's exhausted.
He's been doing all the work we should've been doing.
That poor, beautiful, sleeping angel.
Guys there's only one thing to do.
Shave the word fart on the back of his head.
On it.
Well, well, well.
Look who it is.
Dead weight and the disposables.
While you guys were off doing who knows what - I was a plumber.
- Got a rat boil.
Dumped my girlfriend.
I single-handedly beat 20 ranked teams.
I'm so good, I even beat the last few in my sleep.
So I guess I was right.
I was carrying this team all along.
Oh, right, sleep gaming.
'Cause that makes much more sense than us coming in and beating those last four teams while you were passed out on your couch.
Uh-huh, okay.
If you guys found me passed out on my couch, Wendell would've shaved the word "fart" - [yells.]
- [laughing.]
It's like Abe Lincoln always said, "Don't fall asleep unless you want the word 'fart' - shaved into the back of your head.
" - Lincoln said that? Why do you think he always wore that big, weird hat? So you guys were there? And you won the last matches? Which means I was wrong.
I couldn't do it on my own.
When you're part of the team, you shouldn't have to.
Yeah, but a good leader inspires his team, - and I didn't do that.
- Don't say that.
- It's not true.
- You make me sick.
You were right about us not pulling our weight.
From now on, Thumbs of Fury is going to be our top priority.
- [Sighs.]
- Definitely.
That's what I like to hear.
Oh, and the good news is, we've now moved up to number 498, which means if we really buckle down, we can still earn our ticket to Nationals.
I'm surprised you didn't just try and replace us.
Wha? Are you kidding? Get outta here.
I mean it.
Get outta here.
Go, go! [Snoring.]
Conor, it's Faruq Tauheed.
Wha? Faruq Tauheed? I'm here on behalf of the IGL with an amazing prize for you.
Really? Uh-huh.
We want to name Thumbs of Fury our spotlight team of the month.
That's why I'm here to present your team with an all-expenses paid trip to Hawaii.
First class.
Nice touch.
Listen, Faruq, I've had this dream before, and, uh, I'm not falling for it again.
Here's what I think of your little "prize package.
" But I Why would you Bye, Faruq.
Come on.
Tell it walking, dude.
- Oh, you gonna do like that? - Yes, I am.
Yep, uh-huh.
Thanks for stopping by, ladies.
Call me.
Now that I'm alone in my dream, it's time to fly! Whoo! [Thud, groans.]
Oh, no.
This isn't a dream! What have I done? Faruq! Faruq, come back, man! [Sobbing.]
I wanna go to Hawaii!
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