Garfield and Friends (1988) s06e11 Episode Script

The Life and Times of the Lasagne Kid/Return of the Incredibly Stupid Swamp Monster/Unreal Estate

(Narrator) Ladies and gentlemen, Garfield and Friends! (drumroll)
We're We're
Ready Ready
To To
We're ready to party we're ready ♪
I hope you bring lots of spaghetti ♪
I'm scared
Come on in come to the place where fun never ends ♪
Let's go
Come on in it's time to party with Garfield and Friends ♪
Dancing Fiesta
Romancing Siesta
Samba La Bamba
Ay caramba
Disguises Disguises
Surprises Surprises
And pies of
And pies of all sizes
Come on in come to the place where fun never ends ♪
You bet
Come on in it's time to party with Garfield and Friends ♪
Come on in it's time to party with Garfield and Friends ♪
Garfield and Friends
(Garfield) Think of a number between one and 10,
the number you're thinking of is seven.
(energetic music)
(pensive music)
There will be a two-hour wait for a table, I am afraid.
Well, you don't want to wait two hours for food, let's go.
Try slippin' the guy a little money,
see if that hurries things up.
You want me to give him a tip, is that it?
Excuse me, how long for a table?
Two hours.
How long a wait now?
Fifi, Jacques, you will not believe this!
The king of the big tippers is here, he gave me a dime!
A dime?
It was all I had!
I am rich!
Now I can quit my job
and live on the French Riviera in luxury!
My children can have the braces for their teeth
and my 93-year-old mother can finally have her operation!
Sir, I have more money
My brother can go to college,
my starving poodle can taste food again
and all because of this generous
Here take my money and my credit cards
and my wallet, take everything!
I will have a table for you in a moment.
Thanks a lot, Garfield!
Hey, you're lucky you didn't give him your usual nickel.
The pooch has strayed, I'll get him.
(Odie babbling)
Oh, these are photos of famous people who've eaten here.
A lot of these people haven't worked in years.
Cactus Jake, Binky the Clown, the Buddy Bears.
Oh look, Jackie and Garfield!
I haven't seen one of those for years!
Didn't you know I was part of an act years ago?
Oh, well since our table isn't ready yet,
I'll tell you about it.
Jackie was Jackie Melman, singer, comedian, acrobat,
there wasn't anything Jackie couldn't fail at.
Years ago, Jackie and his cat buddy were inseparable.
They didn't play the best theaters,
they played the kind of places where the best billing
outside goes to the air-conditioning.
(jovial music)
It wasn't the most entertaining act in the world.
Most nights they were lucky if they got one applau.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, my partner,
the incomparable Buddy, will leap through the Hoop of Doom!
Yo! Ha!
Thank you, you're too kind!
(playful music)
(Garfield) It wasn't a bad act
when you get right down to it.
(Garfield) Nah, on second thought, it was a bad act.
(dramatic drumroll)
(Garfield) The audience was really impressed
that night with Melman and Buddy.
Still, not bad for an act making $80 a week,
plus all the rotten vegetables
you could catch before they hit you.
One time they threw so many vegetables
that the act was officially declared a chef's salad.
But as bad as things were on stage,
they were worse backstage!
(somber music)
No point in beating a dead cat, you know,
you're small-time Jackie and you'll always be small-time!
Buddy, baby, you can't break up the act!
Oh yeah? Just watch me!
Don't bother crawling back, cat, because I won't take you!
That was how they split up.
Jackie tried doing a single act.
Gennies and ladlemen, and now Jackie and his cat!
You're kiddin'.
Okay, uh, Jackie without his cat.
(playful music)
Thank you!
And now, the Hoop of Doom!
Yo! Ho!
Yo! Ha!
(Garfield) Somehow it wasn't the same.
It's better with my cat.
(playful music)
You folks should've seen this when I had my partner!
Trust me, it was much better when I had a partner!
MAN: (clapping) Yay!
Who's the jerk who likes this act?
(clapping) Yay!
More, author, more!
(Garfield) Naturally Jackie had
to invite his fan backstage.
I can't tell you when I had a better time,
what a terrific show!
Hey Jackie, the Ed Solomon Show just called.
He has the number one show on TV!
Yeah, they're one act short
for tonight and they're desperate! (chuckling)
They even said they'd take Jackie and his cat!
This is it!
My chance at the big time!
But I don't have my cat, I don't have a chance unless
Arbuckle, loan me your cat!
But Garfield doesn't do tricks!
I could teach this act to anyone and I can't pass this up!
(Garfield) Jackie got to the station just in time to go on
All right now, settle down.
For all you youngsters in the United States and Canader,
how about a nice hand for Jackie and Garfield?
(audience applauding)
Let's bring 'em out here!
That's us, remember all the tricks I taught you.
Thank you, thank you very much!
I'm Jackie and this is my friend, Bud, er, Garfield!
Our first trick will be the Hoop of Doom!
Through the hoop, boy!
Here we go! Through the hoop!
There's not enough lasagna in the universe
to get me to jump through that hoop.
Through the hoop!
Through the hoop!
(audience laughing)
How about the Indian clubs?
Wanna juggle the Indian clubs?
Too undignified.
You don't want to juggle the Indian clubs either?
All right.
You don't wanna do a little of this, huh cat?
Jackie thought he was dying,
which just proves you never know because everyone there
just took it as a brilliant comedy act!
(audience laughing)
Please, just get on.
One teeny little death-defying somersault?
I know it may not seem that way from the company I keep,
but I have my dignity!
Let's really hear it for 'em!
Wasn't that great?
Just marvelous!
(audience cheering)
Jackie was a hit!
And what's the first thing you do
when you think you're a hit in show business?
(Odie barking)
That's right, you get rid of those
who helped you on the way up.
Looks like I'm the only one that's getting all the laughs,
cat, you don't do anything!
You're dumping me?
Yeah, well, uh, I'm sorry
but that's how it is in show business, fella.
It's a cruel world!
See you around!
Our table's ready, guys.
I went back to Jon, who accepts me for what I am,
a greedy, self-centered house pet.
(Odie babbling)
You wanna know what ever happened to Jackie?
Beats me!
You folks ready to order
or do you need a couple more minutes?
Like the man said, show business is a cruel world!
For our specials tonight, we have
filet of sole and almonds, nah, you don't want the almonds.
Poached salmon, poached salmon!
Aw, you don't want the salmon either.
How about grilled halibut?
Grilled halibut is good but, yeah,
it doesn't look like you want the halibut, either.
(calm music)
(phone ringing)
Meow, meow meow meow meow meow meow.
Here, it's for you.
Ahem, uh, meow?
(slow banjo music)
WADE: Hold it, hold it!
"Return of the Incredibly Stupid Swamp Monster?"
Oh no!
Sequel, help!
Oh, help!
Wade, I was fast asleep!
It's before 6 o'clock!
Correction, it's 11:15!
Roy was supposed to wake everyone up at 6 a.m.!
Orson, look at what this episode is called!
It says,
"Return of the Incredibly Stupid Swamp Monster."
Do you know what that means, Orson?
Um, it means the incredibly stupid
swamp monster is returning?
- Bye! - Hopeless.
Absolutely hopeless.
Well I have to find out why Roy isn't doing his wake-up job.
Say, I wonder where the incredibly stupid
swamp monster's been all these weeks?
Duh, two times two is 11.
The capital of New York is Disneyland!
Oh, wait now, wait now, I made mistake, Eurodisneyland!
I know who you are!
You are a panther!
Or maybe a elephant, either way I'm gonna pet you!
And hug you!
Where are you, robot?
My instruments indicate my lost
robot is somewheres nearby.
That's the man that what assembled me
and I'm not gonna go back, uh-uh,
I ain't gonna, not gonna go back!
Please come back, pretty please,
with 10W80 oil on it, please?
(sighing) We've wasted half a day sleeping
when we could've been cleaning up all this junk!
And we took all the tools out of the barn
and we've gotta put 'em back!
Somebody has to wash out all these old milk cans!
So, like, how come Roy didn't wake us up
at the crack of a.m.?
That is what I'm trying to find out!
(knocking) Roy, come out!
I've gotta talk to you!
Roy, aren't you supposed to do the morning wake-up call?
Oh, that.
I quit!
You can't quit!
Yoo-hoo, monster, come out, come out, wherever you are!
(alarm blaring)
(laughing) My monster sensor senses
a senseless monster near here, you see!
You are in the tree stump!
Come out of there this instant!
You are not the incredible stupid swamp monster!
No, I'm the incredibly cowardly farm duck.
But the monster will probably be at Orson's farm
sooner or later, seeing as how this episode is about him!
Danke schoen, danke schoen.
Duh, maybe I could hide here on the farm
for a month or three days.
I have to learn my multiplication tables.
Heh, they kinda easy, though, look!
One times one is onetyone! (laughing)
Two times two is twotytwo!
Ah, there he is, my monster!
(action music)
Ooh, I need a place to hide, I need a place to hide,
I need a place to hide!
(gasping) I will make like a ostrich bird
and hide my head in the sand!
Where did he went, where did he went?
He was right here a second ago!
Roy, we have to talk!
Please allow me to bathe in peace!
Yeah, but
Where is my incredibly stupid swamp monster?
Is he in there?
I will see for myself!
(dramatic music)
I got the blues
I got the ring around the bathtub ♪
Brushin' my back bathtub blues ♪
Oh, gegg, I feel a draft!
Yuck, my coop has flown the coop!
Put my home back, Boar!
We don't have your swamp monster!
Yeah man, like, leave us alone!
If you do not return him, I will destroy this farm!
Destroy our farm?
Orson, you gotta do something, man!
What can I do? He's gonna
Uh, you know, for a mad scientist,
you're really not so bright.
Ah-ha, who is not so bright?
Well, don't you have an electromagnet on this thing?
(laughing) I have one of the most
powerful electromagnets in the world!
Great, then since you're trying to find a robot,
why don't you just turn on the magnet and attract the robot?
Ah-ha, ah-ha, ah-ha, heh, not a bad idea, pig!
I have a hunch it is working!
At least, things are coming my way.
Help, get me out!
We'll help you if you promise to go away
and leave the incredibly stupid swamp monster alone!
You swine!
You, you
(sighing) I suppose I have no choice.
(upbeat music)
Like, there he goes!
I wonder wonder ol' Swampy is.
Duh, right here!
He did not spot me on accounta my very clever tree disguise!
(Swampy laughing)
You are my friends, how do I thank you?
Uh, can I have a job here?
Roy, are you certain you won't
do the morning wake-up anymore?
Absotively posilutely!
Okay, Swampy, how would you like Roy's job?
For me?
A real job?
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!
Ors, are you sure about this?
What have we got to lose?
(marching music)
It's eleventy six in the morning!
(Swampy crowing)
Something or other.
Ors, the monster just gave the wake-up call
and it's only 2:37, man!
(yawning) He's still more accurate than Roy.
(gentle music)
(western ballad-style music)
Down in the valley just north of Ventura ♪
There is a place where the cowboys all eat ♪
And if you've a hankerin' for Italian cookin' ♪
Just head down to Mona's and pull up a seat ♪
You're really in for an Italian treat ♪

Mona they say makes the world's greatest pasta ♪
That and her beauty could make your heart skip ♪
Most of the bachelors who eat there leave Mona ♪
Marriage proposals instead of a tip ♪
They offered to take her away on a trip ♪

But every night at a quarter to seven ♪
Regular patrons make sure that they hid ♪
'Cause that's the time that the legend arrives there ♪
Known far and wide as the Lasagna Kid ♪
And they all know all the deeds that he did ♪

Meat ravioli he downs in a minute ♪
Whole unsliced pizzas get eaten you with ease ♪
Everyone stares as this diner devours ♪
Anything covered with Parmesan cheese ♪
Some nice mozzarella as thick as you please ♪

One night around the 10th helping of ziti ♪
In comes a stranger no one seems to know ♪
Pushes right past as he walks up to Mona ♪
Orders an Italian dinner to go ♪
Including a pizza with extra thick dough ♪
Mona says that she'd be happy to serve him ♪
If he would wait 'til the kid here was through ♪
But says the stranger, "the way this guy's going, ♪
that could take 'til I'm 102
Or longer than that if he pauses to chew" ♪

(whistling) (horses whinnying)

Once he has eaten he runs to the rescue ♪
Trouble is that they are nowhere in sight ♪
In desperation he questions a puppy ♪
Who tells them go left so our hero goes right ♪
For he knows that puppies are not that very bright ♪

Soon he can smell Mona's fresh marinara ♪
Meaning he knows he is hot on the scent ♪
Nose in the air he can smell the aroma ♪
Easy to tell which direction they went ♪
He'll follow them over the whole continent ♪
Out on the trail he grows madder and madder ♪
Someone will face the Lasagna Kid's wrath ♪
Nothing could stop him would he has detected ♪
The scent of Miss Mona he smells on this path ♪

"I'll never love you," Miss Mona informs him ♪
He says, "who cares just as long as you cook?" ♪
"Right now I'm gonna get rid of that moron ♪
Using the sneakiest trick in the book" ♪
And he will use her as bait for the hook ♪
So as the kid makes his way through the canyons ♪
Following next to the edge of a crick ♪
Who should he find but the lovely Miss Mona ♪
Bound up and tied by that villain so slick ♪
The Kid leaves his mount not suspecting a trick ♪

"I shall defend you," the Kid tells Miss Mona ♪
"You," laughs the stranger, "you're only a twerp" ♪
That's when the Kid pulls his big secret weapon ♪
All of that garlic has stirred up a burp ♪
A trick of the West and the great Wyatt Earp ♪
In a minute the avalanche starting ♪
Boulders and rocks come a-tumbling down ♪
"Stick close to me and I'll get us to safety" ♪
So yells the Kid as they head for the town ♪
Giving it all their steed takes them to safety ♪
Pity the stranger with luck not so grand ♪
Mona is grateful the Kid made his rescue ♪
What he does next she does not understand ♪

Until he returns with the stranger in hand ♪

That pretty much is the end of our story ♪
Mona each night rings of gold supper bell ♪
In comes the Kid and he sits at his table ♪
Where he enjoys that fine Italian smell ♪
Which drives someone mad as he sits in his cell ♪

Everything's fine 'til the Kid's tummy rumbles ♪
"He's gonna burp!" you can hear someone shriek ♪

That's when the crowd flees the place in a panic ♪
One belch destroys the whole diner so chic ♪
(crashing and shattering)
That's the third time that he's done that this week ♪
(upbeat music)
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