Garfunkel and Oates (2014) s01e02 Episode Script

Rule 34

1 You, yeah, you, you're really cool.
You can be anything you wanna be.
Time to fly, I'm talking to you.
No hablo español.
Let's see you move forward, stand your ground.
Hang in there while you're doing it, and sail away into the sunset, baby.
Dream your dreams into the sky.
Oh, yeah, you really got it, yeah, now you really got it.
Yeah, hey, you really got it, yeah.
Don't stop being cool.
- Brad? - Brad.
Okay, I'm not an expert on boy bands, but are you sure there was a Brad in Man 2 Man? Yeah, he was the chubby one with the brown hair.
He always stood in the back.
He was my favorite.
- That was your favorite? - Yeah.
That is the definition of a low-self-esteem crush.
Oh, I didn't really have it in me to like the hot one.
Oh, I did.
- Garfunkel & Oates! Hi! - Hi! - Hi! - Hi.
We are so excited to meet you.
I'm Epiphany, and this is my bestie, Chevrolet.
- Hey.
- Hey.
It's spelled like "Chevrolet," the car, - but I don't believe in silent letters.
- It's her trademark.
It just feels really dis-honest.
- Hmm.
Well, thanks for coming to the show.
Yeah, thanks, guys.
- Wait, so - We're We're not just fans.
We're you.
Yeah! I mean, we played you in a movie.
- A film.
- A porn film.
Wait, there's a porn of Garfunkel & Oates? - Hello?! - Yeah.
Rule 34.
Rule 34 of the Internet states, if something exists, there's a porn version of it.
And we even did a video, and we put it on YouTube just like you guys.
- Oh, cool, congrats.
- That's That's awesome.
- That's cool.
- Yeah.
So, now what? Now what, what? What do we do next? We want to be a real joke band like you guys.
Oh, well, I don't I mean, if you just work really hard, I guess.
Yeah, or, you know, if someone with a lot of followers - tweets about you or something.
- Yeah.
- Oh! - Oh, really?! Like Like, who? - Like - Like - Like, like - Like, um Like someone Like Chris Hardwick.
- Oh! - Chris Hardwick? I worked with Chris Hardwick.
Super tan dude with an ivory-white penis? - Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
No, no, he's a comedian, podcaster.
I don't know what color his penis is.
It's probably, like, peach Normal-colored.
- Yeah.
- Maybe.
We don't really know.
- I don't really know, but I'm guessing.
- You know.
Okay, whatever color it is, that, like, sounds perf.
Give me your e-mail.
Oh, it's, uh, oates@garfunkelandoates.
Are you gonna send our video to him? Like, right now? Uh, yeah.
Uh, o-okay, yeah.
I could, um Write, like, "they're great," or A smiley face, then.
- There you go.
- Oh, great.
You didn't have to do that.
Thank you.
You're the best.
You guys are the best.
I mean, maybe we'll be opening for you one day.
- Yeah.
Maybe you'll open for us! - Oh! Probably not.
- Okay, bye! - Bye! - Bye! - Cheers.
- Whoa.
- What? God, what do you think our porn is called? I don't know.
Which one was me? - Rule 34 is no joke.
- Yeah.
Porn version of Bowling for Columbine.
- No! - What? A porn of Pumpernickel Place! No, that show was my whole childhood.
I know.
Me, too.
I don't want to see puppets, like, gang-bang.
Oh, my God.
- Garfinger & Butts? - Ew! Ohh, if I ever wanted to murder my parents silently and with no mess, I could just show them this.
Well, we found it.
Let's get out of here and get to the airport.
Yeah, can't wait to get to our corporate gig.
You know, corporate gigs kind of feel like porn.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- All set? - Yep.
- Yeah.
- All righty, then.
So, that will be Hey.
Is this you? No.
This is you! - No, no, not us.
- No, actually, not at all.
- It's not.
It's a very long story.
- Ohh, yeah, sure.
Are you girls gonna doodle yourselves to yourselves? - Ew! No! God! Mnh-mnh.
- No! God, no! Dirty D.
don't judge.
Hell, you girls should be proud.
You got your own You got your own porno, and that's gonna make you famous.
- Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
- Oh, look, Riki, it's a flashlight.
We need a flashlight.
- Kate, that is not a flashlight.
- Oh, God.
Actually, that is a flashlight.
We'll We'll take that, too, then.
I'm nervous.
- Liki Roundhole? Ew.
- Ohh! - That's not right.
- Mnh-mnh.
Kate M.
That makes sense.
Thank you so much for meeting with us.
Us meeting here is like it's fate.
We just k-now we were meant to be comedy-music superstars.
And we would do anything for a record deal.
- Anything.
- Anything.
- Anything.
- Anything.
- Now is the sex part.
- Mm, boring.
I just don't think I get porn.
Oh, I get it.
I just don't think they make it for me, you know? If they did, it would be 15 minutes of hand-holding and 15 minutes of him telling me how pretty I am.
- Oh, so you're in this.
- Yeah.
Then 15 minutes of him - going down on me, obviously.
- Mm-hmm.
Then 42 minutes of him massaging me while I watch Procedure.
You know, I think my porn would be really different, too.
Apples, they're my favorite fruit.
Apples, they taste very good.
Apples, they're my favorite - Oh! They're gonna sing.
- Ooh! Okay.
- Hey, I'm Garfinger.
- And I'm Butts.
And we'd like to play you a little song about self-confidence.
Where's my confidence? Where's my trust in me? All this pressure is gonna bust in me.
Find the strength inside, my heart is open wide.
It's time to bring out what's inside.
So come on, me, come on, me.
Come on, me, come on, me.
I'm in a funk, I need some spunk.
So come on, me.
So come on, me, come on, me.
Come on, me, come on, me.
I'm in a funk, I need some spunk.
So come on, me.
I hold my chest up high, close my eyes.
Come on, you can do it.
Come on, me, come on, me.
Come on, me, come on, me.
We're gonna, we're gonna, we're gonna Mm, okay.
- Ohh.
- God, that video was awful.
- But the song was pretty good.
- I know.
- I kind of wish we'd written it.
- I know, me, too.
Wait, is that the video you sent to Hardwick? I don't know.
Let me check.
Oh, my God, it is.
And he tweeted about it.
He did? - Oh, my God! - What? Well, that's only 99 million more views than we've ever gotten.
What's gonna happen next? Boy, did you guys come on the right day.
Very exciting things happening here for Wesker-Wynn.
- Oh, really? - Oh, absolutely.
Well, as you probably know, here at Wesker-Wynn, we focus on global pro-synergy.
We're all about intuitive solutions incorporating bleeding-edge haptics in push data.
Oh, you know, emergent cyber-architecture.
Uh, trans-opportunistic revenue streams.
Uh, well, it's like Oh, Susie, Susie.
Susie's got a way with words.
How would you describe what we do here? Well, we set the industry standards for cashless tri-meta transactions.
And aggressive bifurcation.
Oh, we're also leading the mimeosphere in dichrombic gliss.
Whoa, what's in there? Hey, how about you don't worry about what's in there, huh? That sound good? You think you can do that? Huh? Can you not worry about what's in there? Yeah, sure.
- Okay.
Have a good day.
- Fantastic.
All right, well, you guys know how this works.
The whole company's getting together tonight for a catered dinner, and we'd like for you guys to serenade us with some company-specific jokes.
Company-specific? Oh, uh, don't worry.
I've, uh, made some suggestions about areas you might mine for laughs.
Just add comedy, right? Shouldn't be a problem for you funny gals.
It's so loud.
Oh, God, why hasn't there been any advancement in ironing-board design? You know, opening an ironing board is my least-favorite part of touring.
Okay, what rhymes with "Jackie Botts has a shiny face"? I don't know.
Doesn't that sound kind of mean? Yeah, I think it's supposed to be a roast.
- Oh, my God.
- What? - Guess who's on Hardwick's podcast.
- Who? - Garfinger & Butts.
- What?! Please help me welcome, uh, Garfinger & Butts -- Epiphany and Chevrolet! - Hey, Chris! - Hi, Chris! - "The Confidence Song" is everywhere.
- It is.
Like, crazy everywhere.
Totally blew up.
- And then what's next? - Yeah, it's amazing.
Ever since I was a little girl, you know, I always just imagined that I'd be dead by 28.
- Oh.
- 24.
- Yeah.
- Well, good for us.
Yeah, so porn just seemed like, "why not?" Right? - Yeah.
- And then, Chris, look at us.
Now we're, like, totally alive, and - Yeah, we are totally alive, yeah.
- There's so much happening, and we have all these, um Like, what are What are those things? We have, like, these You got, like, options? More options to - Well, options is - Belief? Hope? Drive? - UhThat's not I don't think - That's not the word we're looking for.
- Okay.
I'm sorry.
- We're really just We're just getting, um, offers.
- Offers! - Offers! Offers! Offers.
Offers to do things.
Well, let's talk about these offers.
What are you gonna do next? - Everything.
- Everything.
- Yeah, music companies.
- Mm-hmm, movies.
- Movies.
- Mm-hmm.
Like, not Not porn ones.
- Good.
- We're gonna do a clothing line.
- Sure.
- I'm really into children's pajamas.
- Oh.
- I think that there's a really interesting niche.
- I was offered to officiate a wedding.
- Oh.
It's just all new things.
You're moguls now.
Like, you've You've created this thing.
- Cross-platform.
- Cross-platform, like, international, like Thank you, yeah.
That was the I appreciate that.
That's what I was looking for.
So the sky's the limit at this point.
- The sky's the limit.
- Great.
Now you're not gonna do porn anymore? I would like to do porn.
Yeah, I would not rule that out.
Well, thank you.
It's really nice to see you.
And I know you have a lot of Oh, you know what, turn it off.
It's our agent.
Hey, Boomer.
They are? Yeah, no, we can do that.
All right, thanks.
- Guess what.
- What? - We have a meeting with Pumpernickel Place.
- No way! For what? - You know Schubert and Sockley? - Yeah.
They're gay.
Kate, everyone knows they're gay.
I knew when I was 7.
- Really? - They sleep in the same shoe box.
Well, they're getting married, and we're in the running to write their wedding song.
We have a meeting tomorrow morning.
- Wait, tomorrow morning? - Yeah.
- We have to write a whole new song in 24 hours? - You know what, it's fine.
After the gig, we'll come right back here, and we'll write all night.
We'll make it happen.
Wait, if we write this, is that gonna ruin the sanctity of marriage for all TV puppets? Yeah, probably.
Jesus puppet wouldn't like it.
I wonder what puppet hell looks like.
It's probably a lot of paper streamers - made to look like fire.
- Mm-hmm.
Stan, we don't do a lot of roasts.
Are you sure this isn't too mean? No, no, no, no.
They love it.
They They live for this stuff.
Uh, good evening, Wesker-Wynn.
It's time for tonight's entertainment.
Please help me welcome YouTube parody team Garfunkel & Oates.
- Hey, everybody.
- Hi.
Good evening, Wesker-Wynn Corporation.
Sorry we're a little bit late.
We had trouble finding parking because apparently Ed Fortenberry's S.
needs two whole parking spaces.
Okay, I have to ask Who here is a smoker? Who let you guys out of your chain-link cage by the dumpster? Okay, so we're gonna do a song about some people who might sound familiar.
Wesker-Wynn is a great place to work.
That is, if you like lunatics.
No joke, this place is filled with weirdos, and at least one embezzler in the mix.
I'm talking to you, Phil Taylor in marketing.
Hands off the petty cash, sticky fingers.
Then there's boozy Susie in accounting.
She starts every day with a case of beer.
And don't get me started on Sam Altman.
He's slept with every secretary here.
And the boss has hardly been to work at all.
Since he met his boyfriend, Paul.
Since he met his boyfriend, Paul.
Jackie Botts has a shiny I'm functional, okay?! Please don't send me back to Rancho Mirage.
I wanted to come out in my own time.
- In my own time! - Yeah, well, Stan had said How do you like that, you shit-licks?! Ooh! I bet you wish you'd been nicer to old Stan now, huh?! You are all human garbage.
And I have had it with this death farm! I quit! Good luck getting paid.
- Thank you, everyone.
- Good night, everyone.
Have a great banquet.
I am so tired, I don't even know what we just wrote.
I think we wrote a beautiful ode to partnership.
- Is it gay enough? - I don't really know how to measure that.
- Oh, my God! - Oh, my God! - Garfunkel & Oates! - Hi! - Garfunkel & Oates! - Hi! - Oh, my God! G&O! - G&O! - Oh! - Great.
- So, uh, you guys are up for this, too? - Yeah.
Oh, since Hardwick tweeted about us, we have been blowing up.
Oh, and Kate called it.
He has a normal-colored penis.
- Mm-hmm.
Sure does.
- Cool.
Thank you, guys, again, so much for that intro.
We have made so much money.
Who knew you could make more money doing comedy than you can doing porn?! - Who k-new? Listen, you guys, we would love to return the favor.
Actually, you know, we have really figured out this whole comedy-songwriting thing, so if you guys need, like, any pointers at all, we are your girls.
- I mean, I think we're good.
- Uh, yeah, thank you, anyway.
So you guys know the formula? You start with a risque premise Dirty, but not too dirty.
Mm-hmm, then you craft your chorus with your strongest joke, then you throw in a smart reference.
Yeah, something like, "I miss more periods than William Faulkner.
" Oh, that's good.
And then for your close, you repeat your funniest line.
So, is that Is that what you guys do, too? Yep.
That's how we do it.
- Pretty much exactly.
- Oh, cool.
So you must not have had any problem with the Schubert and Sockley song, huh? - Well, no.
- No.
None at all.
It took us like two minutes.
Ready? Listen to this.
Come on, Schubert, come on, Sockley.
I've missed more periods than William Faulkner.
Come on, boys, come on, girls.
Come on, kids, come on, kids.
Come on, kids, come on, kids.
Come on, kids, come on, kids.
Come on, kids, come on, kids.
Garfinger & Butts? - That's us! That's us! - Oh! Here we go! - Thanks a lot! - Good luck to you guys! - Ohh! Bye! - Bye.
- We need to get this job.
- Yeah.
How do they make their voices sound like a creaky door in a haunted house? I don't know.
Amazing meeting you guys! That was so fun.
More like a hang sesh.
Bowling soon! Oh, my God, you are so cute.
Good luck.
See you.
Good to see you.
Rooting for you! You were amazing.
Hey, welcome to the Wee Ones Television Laboratory.
Thank you.
We're Garfunkel & Oates.
Oh, like, uh, Garfinger & Butts.
Kind of.
Did you know they were porn stars? - Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
So inspiring.
Oh, Gil Gilliamson.
He's such a genius.
That's really a bummer he's in jail.
Yeah, it doesn't matter if you revolutionize children's television, if you run over a couple of German tourists, they're still gonna throw the book at you.
- Yeah.
- Mm.
Well, I just want to say Pumpernickel Place is my favorite show.
As a kid? No.
It's always been a part of my life.
It taught me how to count and read and to care and share and and love.
Oh, uh, sorry.
I was I was ordering cigarettes online.
If you order enough of them, you get a couple bucks off, just F.
Uh, um, what were you saying Something about sharing? Um, well, we were just saying that, uh, we think it's so great that you're taking such an enlightened stance on gay marriage.
Well, as the agenda says, turn them while they're young.
- Hmm? - What? Uh, nothing.
I said nothing.
Let's hear what you got.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Ready? - Mm-hmm.
Just after the storm breaks, with the perfect amount of light, you can catch a glimpse of magic, if the timing is right.
Rainbows are improbable, beautiful, and rare.
But so are you and so is this.
The love that we share, too vast to hold and too small to name.
It's no wonder why you have to stand between the rain and the sun, to see a rainbow in the sky.
All the things that had to go right, all the things that had to go wrong.
It led us to the place where we were going all along.
Right now they fall away.
Right now it's just us two.
Right now we make a promise.
If you do, then I do, too.
Don't know how we found it, but we did somehow.
All the moments of our lives were leading up to now.
I used to feel uncertain, but now I realize, when I want to see my future, I just look into your eyes.
Too vast to hold and too small to name.
It's no wonder why you have to stand between the rain and the sun, to see a rainbow in the sky.
All the things that make you you.
All the things that make me me.
That led us to the place where were always meant to be.
Right now they fall away.
Right now it's just us two.
Right now we make a promise.
If you do, then I do, too.
A rainbow doesn't choose to be a rainbow.
It just shines in the sky.
And there's nothing to debate, and there's nothing to deny.
Love might be a privilege, but marriage is a right.
So to all of you detractors who don't know you lost the fight, to all of you in darkness, we're here turning on the light.
Now I stand with you for the world to see.
My love, my dreams, and me.
My love, my dreams, and me.
Right now they fall away.
Right now it's just us two.
Right now we make a promise.
If you do, then I do, too.
- Hey, how's it looking? - Good.
People on Twitter seem to like - the "Rainbow Connection" song.
- Oh, that's good.
Oh, except the people who want to murder us while we make them sandwiches.
God, a lot of people want us to make them sandwiches.
Well, it's nice they think we can cook.
You know, it just occurred to me Are we even allowed to use the name "Rainbow Connection"? I always wondered if we were allowed to use the name "Garfunkel & Oates.
" Too late now.
Hey, Boomer.
Yeah, it's the Cooch.
The brown one.
Really?! Yeah, I'll tell her.
- Thanks.
- What? We just got asked to open for Chevrolet and Epiphany.
- Ew! No! - No, no, no.
Hear me out.
It's for a lot of money.
- No.
- Like, way more than we usually make.
Kate, we can't open for our own knock-off.
- No, no.
- That's like Paul McCartney opening for a Beatles cover band.
Oh, yeah, we are exactly like the Beatles.
No, come on.
It's for, like, a lot of money.
- Maybe? - No.
- Come on.
- No.
- Maybe? - No.
- Maybe? - No.
- Maybe? - No.
- Maybe? - No.
- Maybe? - No.
Maybe? - Maybe? - No.
- Maybe? - No.
- Maybe? - No.
- Maybe? - No.
- Maybe? - How much money? A lot of money.

Previous EpisodeNext Episode