Garfunkel and Oates (2014) s01e03 Episode Script


1 I kind of want to stay home and watch "Procedure.
" You watch "Procedure" every night.
I know.
I don't know why.
But shows about rape and murder just kind of put me to sleep.
[ Scoffs .]
Not me.
Plus, I don't really like David Caruso.
David Caruso is not in "Procedure.
" It's Mark Hamill.
The guy who was the bad guy in "Ghost.
" Mnh-mnh.
That's Tony Goldwyn.
Well, you know what I mean.
You don't always have to correct me, you know.
I know.
I'm sorry.
I can't help it.
I think it's like a legit disease, like sex addiction or rickets.
Correcting people is not a disease.
It might be.
Besides, I let way more things go than I call you out on.
Like what? - Do you really want to know? - Yeah.
Well, this morning you said "The Ukraine" when it's just "Ukraine.
" There's no "the.
" It's like saying "The New York.
" And then "Take On Me" came on the radio, and you sang, "Take and See.
" That doesn't even make any sense.
Neither does "Take On Me.
" Oh, my God.
It's Nick and that girl that never talks.
We've met her like a hundred times.
She's never said a word.
It's so weird! I know.
Hey! Hi! What are you guys up to? How are you guys? Friday night date night.
Like we do it.
How about you guys? Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
We're going on a date, too, actually.
Just you guys together.
Oh, I mean not with each other.
Like, with guys.
Like a blind date.
It's like a double date.
That's nice.
Well, you know what? I'm glad that you guys are getting out there because you guys both deserve somebody as amazing as Jane.
How have you been, Jane? Yeah? What have you been up to, Jane? Just same old, same old.
You know? Working a lot.
Too much.
What is it you do again, Jane? She's still figuring it out.
But great seeing you guys.
You too.
Have a great date tonight.
You too.
Have fun.
All right.
Good to see you, guys.
Bye, guys.
Great talking to you, Jane.
Oh, my God! It's so weird! He must get so annoyed that she never talks.
I know.
She's total beige curtains.
What? Like not good, not bad.
Just there, like curtains.
I wonder if she took a vow of silence like the Pope.
I think you mean monks.
I'll stop.
Unless you want to know some more, 'cause I have a lot.
No, that's okay.
You, yeah, you, you're really cool You can be anything you wanna be Time to fly, I'm talking to you No hablo Español Let's see you move forward, stand your ground Hang in there while you're doing it and sail away into the sunset, baby Dream your dreams into the sky Oh, yeah, you really got it, yeah, now you really got it Yeah, hey, you really got it, yeah Don't stop being cool Wonder who the first person was to try contact lenses.
Oh, I know.
Who was like, "Oh, yeah.
I'll put glass in my eye.
I'll risk it.
" [ Chuckles .]
God, I cannot stop thinking about Jane.
What's there to think about? Like, I can't tell if she's like a dud or if she's brilliant, you know? I can't help but wonder if she's pulling a "Little Mermaid.
" What, like she saved Nick from drowning or something, and that's why he likes her? No.
Like, you know in "The Little Mermaid" how Ariel traded her voice for legs, and that's how she got the prince? I never really thought about it like that before.
I've thought a lot about "The Little Mermaid.
" Really? Yeah.
I thought that was the whole point of the movie.
So, wait.
You think Jane is deliberately not talking.
And it's working.
I am sorry, but that is not what guys like Nick want.
You know, most guys want a partner Someone they're not gonna get bored with.
The older I get, the less true I think that is.
What if we like try it? Try what? Pulling a "Little Mermaid.
" We won't say anything and see how they respond, just as, like, an experiment.
I don't know if I want to tank my date like that.
What if I really like the guy? Oh, you won't.
Karen fixed us up.
That's a good point.
So, wait.
So, like, we just don't talk a lot? No.
We don't talk at all just to see how long we can go before it gets really awkward.
But there is no way that this is gonna last more than five minutes.
Why is she called "The Little Mermaid"? She's like a full-grown mermaid, right? [ Crowd cheering .]
It smells like beer in here.
I hate beer.
How are we gonna know who they are? I don't know.
[ Giggles .]
I'll take the hot one.
I'll take the other hot one.
So, what? Like, we don't say anything for like five whole minutes? Or as long as we can hold out.
Hi! Hi.
I'm Matthew.
Hey, I'm Darren.
It's very nice to meet you.
I like your jacket.
Thanks for coming, guys.
At first I thought it was pretty weird to do a double blind date.
But then I thought about it.
And it's just a bunch of friends hanging out, right? Yeah.
Just friends who don't know each other.
Those kinds of friends.
[ Both chuckle .]
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! All right! Whoo! Sorry.
I got money on the game.
You want another pitcher of beer? Beer's good.
I like yeah, beer.
All right.
Trish! Hey, Trish? Trish! Trish! Trish! Can we have another pitcher of beer? Thank you.
So, you're probably wondering how we met.
Oh, yeah.
[ Chuckles .]
We've known each other since third grade.
It's a great story, actually.
I dared this guy Yeah! Yes! Yes! Yes! [ Cheers and applause .]
All right.
So, uh, well, basically, I dared this guy to eat an entire bottle of paste.
And I pissed myself, I was so scared when he started to do it.
So, I look him in the eyes, and I say, "This isn't contract law.
" [ Laughs .]
So, I had this terrible pain in both my feet for a week and a half.
Oh, my God.
That reminds me.
I had the craziest dream the other night.
Thor is a God.
Iron Man is just a billionaire in a suit.
It's the difference between Bruce Wayne and Zeus Wayne.
Why does cotton feel the need to advertise? Top three equestrian magazines, in order "Practical Horseman" Yes! Yes! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Every accounting department's got a Greg, right? And our Greg is no exception.
[ Laughs .]
[ Laughing .]
You've got to meet this guy.
[ Laughs .]
Kate: Wow.
[ Door closes .]
I mean, I wanted to be right, but I didn't want to be that right.
I'm starving.
Me too.
I'm trying to decide between cupcakes for dinner and no dinner.
Remember the time we bought a green pepper? Mm.
We were so optimistic.
[ Knock on door .]
[ Cellphone dings .]
Oh! Thank you.
Oh, my God.
These are from Matthew.
"Got your address from Karen.
"Sorry if this is too forward, but I wanted you to have something special.
" What? Ew! And Darren just sent me an e-mail about how much he loved hanging out and that he has a great feeling about us.
Oh, my God.
Ugh! I can't believe it.
Me neither.
We have to go out with them again.
Oh, God.
That was awful.
Yeah, but don't you want to see how far we can take this? Like, how long can we go without them noticing we haven't said anything? We can't go on much longer.
I mean, by the next date, it's gonna get really weird.
I don't think it will.
No, I think it will.
I kind of don't think so.
Eh, I kind of think it will.
I kind of don't think so.
Pretty sure it will.
Let's do it.
Yeah? Yeah.
But, wait.
Is it mean to like lead them on? No.
It is their fault for not noticing we didn't say a word all night.
Good point.
Wish I got flowers.
[ Knock on door .]
Maybe those are flowers for you.
These are also for you.
Wyatt Earp.
[ Chuckles .]
That's how he got his name.
Pretty cool, huh? Yeah.
My friend gave that to me.
Somebody said it looks like a butthole, but I don't see it.
Do you? Hey, um, thanks for seeing me again.
I know that Darren can be kind of obnoxious.
That's why I sent the double flowers.
I guess I can be kind of standoffish, too, but it's just a defense mechanism.
I have a lot of issues from my childhood.
I-I don't usually tell people that, but I don't know.
I feel like I don't need to put up walls between us.
I don't know why I'm spilling all this now.
It's just You have soft eyes.
I'm an orphan.
I don't usually tell people that 'cause then they throw me some pity party, but my parents died in a fire, and I floated around from foster home to foster home.
But it wasn't a big deal.
Like, nobody ever like touched me or did anything weird, which I think gave me some negative body issues.
But most people just can't imagine what it's like to be an orphan, so You know what I mean? Wait.
Do you know what I mean? Oh, my God.
You're an orphan.
No, no, no.
It's okay.
You don't have to be secretive about it.
I was secretive forever.
I Look, if you're not an orphan, then just look me in the eyes and tell me so.
I knew it.
An orphan always knows.
Come here.
There's nothing to be ashamed of.
It's not your fault.
You should stay the night My little orphan.
Let me take care of you.
It's about time somebody did.
Right? The point I'm trying to make and let me, Marcus Mm-hmm.
is that there must have been a time when people were beating horses to death Mm-hmm.
and then just continued to beat them postmortem for that phrase to become so commonplace.
It's dark.
Kate, what do you think? [ Chuckles .]
Who's thirsty? Got something for you.
There you go, my lady.
[ Chuckling .]
You have juice boxes.
They're for my sister.
I got that.
He takes care of her.
That can be tough.
[ Chuckles .]
There we go.
Oh, yeah.
So, who wants to play a game? Oh.
How about Trivial Pursuit? Nah.
Kate's not really a Trivial Pursuit gal.
How about, uh, Win, Lose or Draw? Yeah.
Win, Lose or Draw.
I would rather play a fun game, but it's your house.
[ Romantic music plays .]
Come on, Kate.
Just say anything.
Mm-mm, mm.
Mm-mm, mm.
Huh? All right.
You know what? Pass.
All right.
Huh? It's you it's the look! It's And Time.
It's the sun.
It's the sun.
Marcus: Mm.
Once again, zero points for Kate and Darren.
So glad we picked this game.
Can we be done with this now? Who, uh, who wants a snack? Some ice cream or something? I have ice cream.
Ice cream? You want ice cream? All right.
Come on.
I wish I liked anything as much as she likes ice cream.
I wish I liked Win, Lose or Draw.
I wish we could adopt her.
Save it, Marcus.
Kate: You don't understand.
There's no way Darren's gonna call me again.
I don't know.
I'm sorry.
But I refuse to live in a world where I don't talk and the guy still likes me.
I'm totally living in that world.
Matthew invited me to come watch the game tomorrow.
A game? What sport is it? I don't know.
One of the good ones, I think.
This is gonna sound really weird, but I think I'm liking this situation.
Like, it was so relaxing not having to contribute in any way.
I can't believe you like that.
You, like, never shut up.
I know.
I feel like I literally haven't stopped talking in like five years.
What if Jane is onto something? I kind of want to ride this thing out for as long as I can.
I still can't believe you're gonna go watch sports.
I know.
A bunch of millionaires throwing balls at each other.
Sports, go, sports I promise I really totally care who wins If there's a net or a hoop or a hole in the ground I hope they get it in If they want to go to all the bases I hope they do If they're supposed to run past a line or whatever I hope they do that, too Sports, go, sports May they top their opponents numerically in the allotted time Lest they disenfranchise their audience and see their revenues decline May the partakers be sturdy and rapid in the spirited energies they exert May they be victorious in perpetuity Don't I look cute in this football shirt? Sports, go, sports Athletics are number one Participants are heroes Go, team, yeah This is the most important thing that's ever occurred The vicarious fulfillment of your dream that got deferred You had aspirations as a kid, but you didn't have the skill So you watch genetically superior people do the things you never will Sports, go, sports May the competitors you prefer best their opposing equivalents so you can somehow feel connected to the feat of your self-appointed constituents May the hours you spend watching post-match pontificators amplify the thrill of being a witness and better your predictive aptitude for your squad's future physical fitness Sports, go, sports Athletics are number one Participants are heroes Go, team, yeah Watching able-bodied millionaires play with each other Watching less-agile millionaires talk about it on TV May they compile copious points so they are rewarded and meritorious So you feel temporarily, adjacently victorious Sports, go, sports Athletics are number one Participants are heroes Go, team, yeah Every other word! Sports, sports are one are go, yeah Every other other word! Go athletics, number participants, heroes team Now in Latin! Ludis, ire, ludis arcu sunt optimum participants sunt heroes ire quadrigus sic Now the truth! If you could only throw a ball you'd have a hotter wife lots and lots of money and a way better life and a way better life Go, sports! Announcer: It's the down the line for Fogerty now.
2 in 2 dropping toward the zone.
40 seconds on the clock.
Can he pass the breaker in time for a red 17? Oh! Looks like a [ Footsteps approaching .]
Aren't you, uh, that girl from YouTube? Yeah! Ah, dude, I love musicals, man.
Me too, dude.
My girlfriend wants me to go see that AIDS musical.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
The one about Greg Louganis? No.
The one about the Bible.
It's not about the Bible, dude.
It's a Greg Louganis musical.
But his character, the guy who plays him, sings this song where he's like 500 minutes 500 days Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But it's about the Bible in Africa.
It's Greg Louganis.
He dies of AIDS.
'Cause he's dead.
He died of AIDS, right? Yeah.
Don't ruin the whole movie.
I haven't seen it yet.
I'm sorry, but this is what it it's by the "Family Guy" creator.
I'm sorry.
The AIDS musical you're talking about is "Book of Mormon," and people in it have AIDS, but that's not the major plot point.
It's not based on the Bible, but it's about these two missionaries who go to Uganda to recruit people into the Mormon Church.
And the AIDS musical you're talking about is "Rent," and it's "525,600 minutes," which is how many minutes are in a year.
Greg Louganis is not involved in any way.
He's also still alive.
That's another 4 for the red team.
This game is shaping up to be a real sticky wicket.
[ Sighs .]
You have a beautiful speaking voice.
Really? Yeah.
And the math on those minutes and Everything.
Can you hand me a ham roll? Yeah.
Darren asked me to go on a picnic with him.
A picnic.
That's so depressing.
I know.
But, dude, you will never believe what just happened.
Well, first, I did, like, a full-on Riki rant.
You talked? No, no.
I had to.
It was an emergency.
But you'll never believe what happened.
What? Matthew liked it.
He liked my personality.
I mean, do you think there's any way I can like slowly seep my real self into our relationship without anyone noticing? No.
Maybe? No.
Maybe? Are you drunk? Well, I feel like I'm drunk enough to make bad decisions, but not too drunk to not remember what they were.
Well, you know what? Even though you caved, I'm gonna stick to this "not talking" thing.
It is the weirdest thing I've ever been a part of.
I've got to see it through.
Hand job, bland job, "I don't understand" job Do I spit? Do I squeeze? Do I ever touch the top? How can I learn when you always make me stop? [ Laughter .]
Man: Oh, man.
What are you guys doing? We're looking at one of your funny videos.
I found on it on the thing here.
I-I mean, you didn't tell me that you do That.
Well, you didn't really ask.
What was I supposed to do specifically ask? If you sing songs about other guys' penises while you're on your couch? I mean, I guess so.
I don't know.
I can't believe you withheld this from me.
Well, I don't know if you've noticed, but I really haven't said a word since we met.
What? Like, nothing.
Like, not a word.
Except the AIDS thing.
Like like, nothing.
You haven't said any words since we started dating except for your rant about AIDS? Why? Well I mean, I just I don't really know right now.
I can't remember.
But there is a reason.
That doesn't make any sense.
Do you realize how creepy that is? How am I Are you even an orphan? Okay.
Emotionally, sometimes I feel as though I am, yes.
But technically, I have two parents who are alive and in Buffalo.
But I think they're dead every time the phone rings after 10:00.
You lied to me.
No, I didn't lie.
I just didn't say anything, and then you didn't notice.
That's called lying through silence! I mean, you're not even an orphan.
You're just some bitch with parents.
Uh Okay.
That painting looks like a butthole, right? Oh, my God.
We've been saying that.
I'm sorry.
I had to say it.
It is disgusting.
I'm gonna go, but I just had to say it.
Come on.
I want to know something about you.
I feel like I do all the talking.
What is one thing that you like to do? These are great! You're very talented.
Where'd you learn this? You have a special art class you go to or something? Really? You learned this all by yourself? You're very advanced.
Um I'm not sure if this is rude, but I've been dying to know.
What exactly do you have? Are you, um, autistic or or just slow? Or or and I know you're not retarded retarded, but, like, mildly maybe, right? You think I'm retarded? Oh.
I'm I'm sorry.
What? No.
I-I It's okay.
[ Chuckles .]
My sister is.
I'm into it.
I've always wanted to marry a girl just like her.
Oh, my God.
Isn't that isn't that illegal or something? Not with parental permission or if you're a licensed caregiver, which I am.
You think I'm retarded? Only in the best way.
Oh, yeah.
I can see that.
And you just dress like this because Oh, these are my clothes.
Here's what I know.
When I dropped off my car to you, there was no scratch.
Now you bring it back to me, there is a huge scratch! Who do you think is gonna pay for that? Oh, now I get it.
She doesn't talk 'cause she sucks.
Why are you just standing there looking at me like a complete dumbass? Go get your supervisor right now! She's totally pulling a "Little Mermaid.
" Yeah.
At least it's not a "Sleeping Beauty.
" That girl couldn't even sit up, and she got her prince.
[ Scoffs .]

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