Garfunkel and Oates (2014) s01e07 Episode Script


1 Hey.
What's your name? Hi.
High five? Want to high-five me? Do you want to give me a high five? Hey.
What you doing? Oh, just bonding.
I feel like babies love me.
- I can see that.
- Mm-hmm.
See? We're, like, connected.
Sometimes my womb is all like, "hey, girl," and then my mind's like, "shh.
" But right now, I feel like, "yeah, maybe.
" You, yeah, you, you're really cool.
You can be anything you wanna be.
Time to fly, I'm talking to you.
No hablo español.
Let's see you move forward, stand your ground.
Hang in there while you're doing it and sail away into the sunset, baby.
Dream your dreams into the sky.
Oh, yeah, you really got it, yeah, now you really got it.
Yeah, hey, you really got it, yeah.
Don't stop being cool.
This one is from Janice.
Ah! Baby's first cologne! - Oh! - Yeah.
I know.
Oh! Did you write that down? It's from Janice.
Yay! You guys, I cannot wait to get pregnant.
You're not pregnant? No, that's why this is called a sprinkle and not a shower.
So, then why are we here? Well, we're celebrating the fact that I am officially trying to have a baby.
Plus, I just feel like when I actually am pregnant, I'm not gonna have time for parties.
- She'll be so busy.
- Yeah.
- Enough.
- Oh, sorry.
Yay! This is the grossest thing I've ever been to, and I've been to Kissimmee St.
You can't throw a baby shower for trying to have a baby.
Why not? They put you on TV for trying to be funny.
Eat your cupcake.
Also, publicly opening presents should be outlawed for anyone over the age of 8.
I'm 8.
No one ever got me any presents.
I'm your present, okay? This is Timmy.
He's my Make-A-Wish kid.
What was his wish? Well, I wanted a boat, but I didn't get it.
So then I wanted to spend the day with one of my favorite comedians, but no one funny was available.
So now, here I am at some lame baby shower with some chick comedian I've never heard of.
Thanks, God.
Timmy, there is no God.
You of all people should know that.
So, you guys just, like, hate pregnant women, right? No, we just Yeah, we just Pregnant women are smug.
Everyone knows it.
Nobody says it because they're pregnant.
F'ing son of a gun.
You think you're so deep now, you give me the creeps now that you're pregnant.
I can't count all the ways how you speak in clichés now.
So, do you want a boy or a girl? Oh, it doesn't matter as long it's healthy.
Really? Because I don't feel like those two things are related at all.
It's not like one or the other.
No, no, no, no.
As long as it's healthy.
Bitch, I don't really care.
I was being polite now, since you have no life now that you're pregnant.
You say you're walking on air.
You think that you're glowing.
But you had been hoing, and now you're pregnant.
You're just giving birth now.
You're not mother earth now.
So, is it a boy or a girl? Oh, we know, but we're not telling.
What are you gonna name it? Oh, we know, but we're not telling.
Who's the father? Oh, we know, but we're not telling.
Pregnant women are smug.
Everyone knows it.
Nobody says it because they're pregnant.
F'ing son of a gun.
You think you're so deep now.
You give me the creeps now, now that you're pregnant.
This is Kate's.
Oh, it's big.
I guess it's Some sort of puppet? It's a Sockley puppet.
From Pumpernickel Place.
He's the best puppet to have, 'cause you can never tell what kind of expression he's gonna make on his face.
Here, let me show you.
Like, can I see him for a sec? Yeah.
Um, so, when I play with my Sockley, I'm usually like, "oh, hey, Karen.
"How expensive was your house? "What a lovely sprinkle you have, "and I wonder when you're gonna have a baby.
I'm just so nervous.
I'm nervous.
" I get it.
Yeah, okay.
I get it.
That's great.
It's neat.
It's okay.
Next! This is Riki's, right? Aww.
Oh, wow.
Look, everybody.
Riki gave me a dress that will fit a 2-year-old! I'm gonna have to put it in storage for two years.
Just kidding.
I mean, I will, but thank you for the really sweet gift.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Was that not the right size for your imaginary non-baby? Ohh, no.
It's It's very sweet, you know.
You guys tried hard.
You're just not You know, you're not mommy types.
And I think that it's great that we live in a time when not every woman has to have a baby.
Well, I I totally want kids.
Human kids? - Yeah.
- Ooh.
Well, how old are you? Oh, yeah.
So, we'll see.
- We'll see what happens.
Next! - Okay.
You're a what? I'm a cosmic energy-based body work life coach, and I normally don't give diagnoses to non-patients, but I'm the kind of person that when I see that somebody's in trouble, I just sort of jump in there and I have to help.
It's, like, who I am.
Help with what? I think you have Peter Pan syndrome.
Oh, cool.
Not cool.
It's when someone is unwilling or unable to grow up.
I don't have that.
See, I'm only telling you this because a lot of people with Peter Pan syndrome die early.
JFK had it.
I'm pretty sure that's not what killed him.
You know, there are a lot of different theories, but however you slice it, he ends up dead.
I just think that if you get help, you still have the chance to live a normal, productive life.
Here's my card.
It's organic.
- Oh, thanks.
- You're welcome.
Oh, thank God.
I almost tinkled in my pajama jeans.
I do not have Peter freaking Pan syndrome.
I mean, you don't think I have it, do you? Well, kind of, yeah.
- I mean, I don't care that you play with dolls.
- Puppets.
But I do think it's a little weird that you've, like, never had a relationship.
- Thanks.
- No, I didn't mean it, like, mean.
I mean, like, I think maybe the Peter Pan stuff's holding you back a little.
No, I don't have Peter Pan syndrome.
I just haven't met my soul mate yet.
And when I do, I hope it's like Sandra Bullock - in While You Were Sleeping.
- You work in a toll booth and he's in a coma - and you have sex with his brother? - No, no, no.
Just the romantic part.
And then we'll have babies.
- I want babies.
- Yeah.
Me too.
What do we do? Do we get our eggs frozen? - Ew, no.
I want real babies.
- I want real babies, too.
Like, I don't want frozen babies, but what if we don't have them? Ah, I just want to meet my Peter Gallagher, who leads me to my Bill Pullman, and then we'll go to Italy.
Wait, doesn't she work in a toll booth? How can they afford to go to Italy? Riki, it's a movie.
Everybody, come back to the living room! It's time for "smell the chocolate"! You know, you can make all the right decisions in life, and you still end up smelling the chocolate.
I love that you think we made all the right decisions.
- Hi.
- Hi.
How's it looking down there? - It's pretty standard - Hmm.
despite the viscosity.
So, we got the results of your blood tests back.
And now, of the four tests, you have one smiley face, one neutral face, and two sad faces.
What do the sad faces mean? Your inhibin "b" is low.
To have any chance of conception, you need to start the treatment immediately.
- Like, right now? - Hmm.
Well, can I still travel? I I'm in a band, and well, you can take your injections with you on the road.
You should do it.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Let's do it.
- Perfect.
- We'll start today.
I must warn you, though, you will be injecting yourself with extremely high doses of hormones.
It can make some people very emotional and/or have increased arousal or feelings of sexual desire.
Are there any side effects? Okay, so this is meditropin, and you're gonna take 10ccs of hydrochloride and mix it with this, along with three vials of powder.
- And that's gonna total 300 milligrams.
- Got it.
And you're gonna put the needle on, and then you're gonna inject it into your leg.
Ew, ew, needles! Oh! Can we please be adults about this? Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Ready? - Uh-huh.
I'm sure I'll get used to it.
- You'll never get used to it.
- Oh.
Okay, so the next step is the follitropin.
You just take it off like a pen, right? And then you just jam it into your thigh like this.
- Okay.
- God! Okay, so it'll be $3,500 for the meds and $9,000 for the procedure.
Okay, um For the surgery, do they put me under? Yeah, but with propofol.
The Michael Jackson drug? That's not gonna happen to you.
Michael Jackson had Peter Pan syndrome.
I googled it.
Is that your partner? Yeah.
But not like that.
We don't have sex.
Well, you know, there are good years and bad years, right? Brendan! Do not play with the medical fetus display.
That is not a toy.
My son can be a little immature.
Ready? See you.
You know, maybe I will go get it checked out at the therapist.
Couldn't hurt.
Release the pain into my hands.
- I think I did.
- Yeah, you did.
You know what the root of all pain is, Kate? Uh, global warming? Mmm.
It's fear.
What are you afraid of, Kate? Why are you so scared to grow up? Ah.
Well, being a grownup is hard.
Hard in what way? Release the pain into my hand.
Well, like, all my passwords have to have more than eight characters and capital letters now.
I don't think a ton of people are trying to break into my account just to pay my gas bill.
- Mm-hmm.
- You should be able to have easier passwords.
Well, you know, passwords are there for your protection.
So is asbestos.
You know what? Don't tense up your sphincter.
Oh, sorry.
You know what I want you to do before our next session? I want you to keep a fear journal.
Any time you think of a reason that you're scared to grow up, I want you to write it down.
It's a prescription, so, official.
I'm in the bathtub.
How was it? It was good.
I released a lot of pain, and now I'm gonna make a fear journal.
I have an extra one if you need it.
No, I'm just gonna make mine on my iPad.
What are you watching? - Fattie and the Stud.
- Oh.
Is that the one where the dad's super together and the mom's, like, this idiot who's always in trouble? Yeah.
'90s sitcoms look so weird.
I know.
It's like Canadian TV, where it looks really crappy and you can't figure out why.
I thought it was Thursday.
Seriously, we have to Is this the hormones talking? No! The world is just really hard! No, okay.
This is definitely the hormones.
I'm fine.
You must think I'm terrible.
Are you gonna be okay for our show? Oh, my God.
I just realized I have to do my injections.
How many milligrams does it say? Be really careful.
I trust you.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Oh! Ow! - Oh, my God! What happened?! - I had my eyes closed! - You had your eyes closed? You can't give me a shot with your eyes closed! - I'm scared of needles! - Kate! Come on.
Do it again.
- Eyes open.
- Okay.
Okay, just do it.
Just do it.
Push it in there.
Just jam it in there.
- I don't want to hurt you.
- It's gonna hurt anyway.
Just push it in.
Just Ow.
Ooh! - Kate, put the medicine in! - Okay! - Just jam it in! Jam it in there! - Ah! - Okay! - Push it harder! Push it harder! - Hey.
- Hey.
Where you going? Gonna go give my puppets to Vivian's Make-A-Wish kid.
Really? But, Kate, I feel like you really love those puppets.
Didn't you make them all from scratch? Well, yeah, except for Sockley.
It only took me 14 years.
Kate, are you sure you want to do that? Mr.
Hotdog is like family to you.
And that kid Timmy's kind of an asshole.
Are you allowed to call a kid in a wheelchair an asshole? Probably not to his face.
Look, I've got to deal with this Peter Pan syndrome.
I don't know where else to start.
I don't want to end up like JFK.
God, this song turns me on so much.
I just want to, like, make out with someone so badly, you know? This is a Garfunkel & Oates song.
I know.
Weird, right? Yep.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Have fun with Timmy.
- Good luck.
Thank you.
God! Here you go.
When I woke up this morning, my first thought was, "I might die.
" My second thought was, "I need a box of old puppets.
" Are you being sarcastic? No! - You okay? - Oh, yeah.
I'm just reading a puppet blog.
I miss Sockley and Mr.
Hotdog and Professor Cornelius and Rosie Rosington and Dave.
I'm sorry.
You need help? No, I think I got it this time.
Holy crap! What a piece of dirt! - What? - "Make-A-Wish kid sells handcrafted puppets for $10,000 at art fair.
" What? Let me see.
- Oh, is that Mr.
Hotdog? - It's everybody! I should have never given my puppets to Timmy! No.
No, this is my fault.
I should never have encouraged you to work on yourself.
No, no, no.
I want to.
I really do.
I just Not by giving away my puppets, you know? I miss them.
I miss them, too.
Especially Dave.
Okay, you know what? Don't cry, okay? Tell you what.
You can play a game on my iPad, okay? Just, uh, help the alligator get a shower.
And I'm gonna go get us a snack.
- Okay.
- All right.
This is really cute.
Kate! Uh, I'm Becky.
I'm one of your student liaisons.
Oh! It's nice to meet you.
We are so excited to have you.
Well, I am.
No one else knew who you were, but I insisted that we book you, 'cause I'm such a huge fan.
Oh, thanks.
How's the crowd? It's small but enthusiastic.
And most people are here to see us, the Piggling Ganthers.
Uh, we're the student improv troupe.
Our mascot's the panthers, so it's like giggling panthers but inverted, so it's funny.
Oh, we were actually wondering if you wouldn't mind being in a scene with us? You know, guest improvisers.
It could be our big finale.
You know, I'm not really good at saying no when I don't want to do something.
That's usually Riki's job.
So, um, yeah, totally.
What's wrong? I'm reading your poems.
That's my fear journal.
Oh, well, your fear journal's right.
Growing up sucks.
Everything sucks.
Kate, I don't want to eat quiche! No one is gonna make you eat quiche.
"When you are a grownup, you have to eat rhubarb, tilapia, and quiche.
" I know.
I wrote it.
But it's It's not real.
It's just a fear journal.
Will you touch my face? O-o-okay.
Oh, thank you.
- Is that okay? - Yeah, that feels so good.
Yeah? Okay.
You want to sit down? Yeah.
Look, growing up is not that bad, okay? Like, you know, we get to play music for a living, and And we get to have sex whenever we want.
Kids don't get to do that Hopefully.
I do like having sex.
Kate, I really, really want to have sex.
I know.
You talk about it all the time.
Are you shooting crack cocaine? No, I'm trying to be a mom.
Okay, well, showtime.
Oh, okay.
Okay, so for our last scene, let's get a suggestion from the audience.
- Dildo! - Your mom's ass! Let me finish! Let's get a suggestion of a profession.
- Whore! - Proctologist! Okay, I heard bank robber.
Hey, how do we get away from the cops? Oh, I've been shot! Oh! Um Oh.
Where's our getaway driver? - She got shot.
- Ooh.
I guess it's just you and me, then.
Just you and me.
Just you and me.
God, nothing turns me on more than a good old-fashioned robbery.
- Oh, yeah? - Mm-hmm.
Yeah, the The catsuits and the and the bags of money and gunfire.
They really do it for me.
You do it for me.
- I do? - Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
You really Freeze! Stop kissing or I'll shoot! Bang-bang! You're dead! You died, guys.
Stop it.
Stop it.
Stop it! Oh.
And scene! Wasn't that great, everybody? Okay, so who's ready for some parody songs? Let's, uh, welcome the hilarious YouTube joke band, Garfunkel & Oates.
- Hey, everybody.
- Hi, guys.
- Thanks for coming.
- How's it going? So, who here is pregnant? Nobody? Seriously? Why? What are you waiting for? Why aren't you pregnant? Think you're too young? What do you think's gonna happen to you before you get pregnant? Like, lots Lots Lots of great stuff? You're gonna have your career first and your whole life, and you're gonna travel, you're gonna go to India.
I don't know.
Like, all these things and then you just have unlimited time.
Well, what nobody tells you is that your body is just, like, rotting from the inside, you know.
You're at your peak right now.
You have this small window, and then your whole life just gets awful! That's what nobody tells you.
Everyone says you have to go to school and get a job and be a professional, and that's not real, okay? You can be a professional any time you want.
I was in the dressing room shooting myself with fertility drugs just now.
And I know that sounds really glamorous and everything, but it's not.
It's really weird, and it makes you crazy, okay? It makes you, like I can't really explain it, but, like, off, you know? It just, like, makes you like "ugh!" All the time.
I see you.
I see you looking at me, and I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking, "that won't happen to me.
That's just That's just her and her.
" It's you, okay? It will happen to you.
So drop out! 'Cause you have all the time in the world to work and learn.
Two, three, four.
I'm gonna tell everyone what you did.
And they'll say, "how dare you try to take credit "for this poor little child's art, "art that will live on long after he passes away.
You're a monster.
Monster!" And you can have Sockley back if you want.
He's in the trash.
- I can't believe this.
- Believe it.
I just bought a boat, and that really was my wish.
You should feel good.
I told you this kid was an asshole.
What's going on with your Peter Pan syndrome? What's going on with your eggs? Cliffhanger.

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