Garfunkel and Oates (2014) s01e08 Episode Script


1 - I totally want kids.
- Human kids? I think you have Peter Pan syndrome.
- Oh, cool.
- Not cool.
Do we get our eggs frozen? To have any chance of conception, you need to start the treatment immediately.
That's my fear journal.
Oh, well, your fear journal's right.
- I really, really want to have sex.
- I know.
All right, this is the place.
Isn't it everything? - Everything for what? - The kazoo parade.
It looks exactly like the street we did it on in Nazareth.
You know I was the grand marshal of the kazoo parade, right? No, no, I know.
Two dozen of us would show up and blow our faces off every Memorial Day.
- Wait, it's on Memorial Day? - Yeah.
That's the same day as my egg freezing.
Oh, no.
You know what? It's okay.
I'll reschedule.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I'll I'll I'll come after.
But who's gonna drive you? I'll ask Vivian.
I took her to her abortion, so this is like the opposite of that.
Are you nervous? Yeah.
But I got to do it, you know? I feel like it's turning into a real Of Mice and Men situation down there.
I don't know what that means.
Like, you know when you're younger, you have a lot of George eggs, but with every year that passes, the George eggs turn into Lennie eggs? I don't think I ever saw that cartoon.
Tell me about the sperms, George.
Look over there, and I'll tell you.
Most eggs never get no family.
But not us.
Tell me about us.
Not us.
We're gonna get inseminated.
We're gonna grow arms and legs and a brain and a heart.
A heart.
A big heart.
And one day, when we're ready, we'll become real, live people.
Yeah, George.
We'll be pe You, yeah, you, you're really cool.
You can be anything you wanna be.
Time to fly, I'm talking to you.
No hablo español.
Let's see you move forward, stand your ground.
Hang in there while you're doing it, and sail away into the sunset, baby.
Dream your dreams into the sky.
Oh, yeah, you really got it, yeah, now you really got it.
Yeah, hey, you really got it, yeah.
Don't stop being cool.
So, Riki's been a mess since she's been doing her hormone injections, and I've been taking care of her.
I'm feeling really grown up.
Oh, it's nice to see you've made such progress on your Peter Pan syndrome.
- Release the pain into my hands.
- Aah.
But her surgery's coming up in a couple days, and then she's not gonna need me anymore.
Well, maybe you can find someone else to take care of.
- Like a turtle? - Or a boyfriend.
I used to pretend my turtle was my boyfriend.
I called him Jake.
Or how about a real boyfriend? Well, I tried online dating once, but I didn't have any matches.
- Oh, none? - Mnh-mnh, not one.
I said I wanted a 33-year-old who likes frogs, clowns, puppets, trains, kazoo parades, hacky sacks, and The Wire.
Well, maybe you should reconsider your priorities.
And don't worry about age.
I think it's important that you date somebody with the same level of emotional maturity as you.
It felt like that with Jake.
Then he died.
Release the pain into my hands.
Oh, I got a match! - On your dating thing? - Yeah! I changed the acceptable age range to all ages, and I got a match! He's really cute! Ooh, yeah.
Kate, he's in high school? Isn't that illegal? He's 18 1/2.
Oh, and he already messaged me.
He said, "sup?" "Sup?" That's it? What kind of name is Braden? He likes The Wire.
Oh, my mustache.
Ow! It burns! It burns! It burns! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Last time I dated an 18-year-old, he was 15.
Oh, God.
I am so sick of shots.
Oh, are you having problems finding a vein? Same thing happened to me right before I got sober.
You're not sober.
One day at a time.
Don't worry.
- It'll be over soon.
- I know.
The last shot's supposed to be the worst, though.
I have to take it 36 hours before my surgery, and it activates all the eggs.
Gross! Ugh, I hate eggs.
It's, like, totally why I became vegan except for duck.
How's the high on this? Terrible.
It burned it pretty bad.
No, you can barely see it.
You look like a Flintstone.
What are you doing? Looking through my contacts.
I'm just so horny, I can't believe it.
Like, who can I have sex with? I feel like I'm gonna die.
You know what I mean? I just want someone to, like Like, all over me.
Do you know what I mean? Like, the thing where they're like Like Where you know they're gonna be like Like, who Who would you say? As long as you don't have sex with that stupid ex, you're fine.
He's been texting me.
He's always texting you.
Yeah, but I texted him back.
- Riki, no! - No! No, I cannot go through this with you again.
- He's so cute, though.
- No! How many times are you gonna go back? He's just gonna leave you again.
Please do not make out with Jason.
- I'm so horny.
- Jason is a jerk.
You know, he never supported your career, - he left you without any explanation - More than once.
Yeah, and he has that stupid "tattoo" tattoo on his back.
He Oh, I missed you.
So I saw on your profile that you're into puppets and Dippin' Dots.
Me too.
I just kind of Check all the boxes and e-mail whoever I think is pretty.
You asked me out 'cause you think I'm pretty? Mm-hmm.
So, what are you into, then? I'm in jazz band.
Love jazz.
Mm, no.
You hate jazz.
No, I love jazz.
That's Why I'm in jazz band.
I used to think I liked jazz, but then I realized that the only people that like jazz are the ones playing it.
Like, think about it.
It sounds like this.
It's like - That's so true! - Yeah, I know! - What if I hate jazz? - You do hate jazz.
This is blowing my mind right now.
I know.
I think, you know, everyone has to come to a point in life where they realize that the things that people pretend are cool Like jazz and urban bike riding, Mediterranean food That deep down, no one really likes this stuff.
You are so wise, Kate.
Has anyone ever told you that? No, actually, like, ever Anyone.
Like, no one.
Like, no people.
Zero people have told me that.
What happened to your lip? Oh.
I'm Italian.
That's my favorite food.
You kept my toothbrush? Yeah.
I mean, I couldn't just throw it out.
It's yours.
Um, here.
I You left some of these in the fridge, and I kept them for you.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Oh, that's so nice.
Thank you.
Mm! Oh, my God.
I think it expired.
Something's weird.
Oh, sorry.
They're probably six months old.
Has it been that long? Yeah.
Thanks for picking me up.
Oh, yeah.
No problem.
How are you? Man, Saturday detention sucks.
Oh, yeah.
It's like The Breakfast Club, right? - What's that? - Oh, it's It's this old movie with Charlie Sheen's brother.
Is it any good? Only if you can't remember it that well.
So, like, what'd you do to get detention? Did you, like, make a fart noise in health class or something cool? No, I failed my book report on Huckleberry Finn.
They gave you detention for that? Well, I used the "n" word a couple times.
I had an old copy of the book.
Oh, okay.
Want to, uh, go to a party later? A high-school party? If you want to label it.
I've never been to a high-school party.
I You know, all right, believe it or not, I was not really popular in high school.
But yeah.
I'll go to a high-school party with you.
- The coffee is good.
- Yeah.
It says it right there.
They're hedging their bets.
It's not It's not great.
Just good.
It's so surreal, being here.
The last time I was here was with you.
- Really? - Yeah.
Oh, wow.
It's the "same side of the table" couple.
How have you guys been? - Good.
You? - Yeah.
My step-dad died in a plane crash.
I'm sorry.
It's not your fault.
I'll be right back to tell you about the specials.
She's still weird.
- She is still very weird.
- Yeah.
Oh, I hate hearing about the specials.
We always get the same thing, anyway.
I hate it when you make specials face.
You know, you have to be like, "aah," like everything sounds so amazing.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, you have to make noises, too.
- Oh! - Ooh! - Mmm! - Mmm.
So, today we have a house-smoked tofu on a bed of wilted arugula and a low-fat buttermilk biscuit.
- Ooh.
- Mm.
We also have house-cured salmon scramble with aioli and gruyère cheese.
This comes with a side of fingerling potatoes.
- Ooh, yummy.
- Ooh, fingerling potatoes.
That sounds good.
And my personal favorite is the wild-baby-mushroom frittata with pea tendrils, manchego cheese, and oven-dried tomatoes.
Oh! - Oh.
- Mmm, mm-hmm.
Does any of that sound good to you? We will have two grilled-cheese sandwiches.
It's weird.
I just I kind of thought you were just fine.
You know, like, I didn't think you'd not come to our breakfast place or save my toothbrush.
Why would think that? I texted you I loved you like 100 times.
Do you want to have our Saturday? - Aah! - Oh, no! It's closed? Man.
Do you remember the last time we were here, though? Yes! Oh, my gosh.
That was amazing.
- Yeah, and there was that scary clown guy.
- Yeah.
He, like, fell right I was purple, and you lost your voice.
I know! I was like You were so mad at me.
That was the most romantic thing ever.
What? It's just that that was one of the problems with our relationship.
What was? You never did any of that kind of stuff for me.
- Yes, I did.
- Mnh-mnh.
- I made spaghetti for you once, remember? - No, you didn't.
I remember putting noodles in water.
- Mnh-mnh.
- No? No, I feel like you were I mean, I was focused on us, and you were focused on you, so you never asked me what I thought or included me in your decisions.
I just I didn't feel important to you.
Really? I mean, why didn't you ever talk to me about it? Because, like, you had one way of envisioning how your life was gonna go, and I had another.
Well, I always envisioned my life with you.
Me too.
- Yeah? - Mm-hmm.
I just want it to be different this time.
And then I put an ad on Craigslist, and I already got four RSVPs to the kazoo parade.
It's gonna be epic.
- Kazoo parade.
- Mm-hmm.
That's, uh That's tight.
What's up, Braden? Hey, Caden.
You the chick who told Braden to quit Caden and the cadences? What's that? That's the jazz band that I was in.
Oh, I didn't say to specifically How old are you, anyway? 30? 34 1/2.
Must be pretty pissed about your lip, huh? You think about it a lot? Well, not a lot.
Sure, it bothers me.
- But I keep myself distracted.
- You look like a Flintstone.
Hey, why don't you leave her alone, Caden? You're just jealous because my lover is a mature, older woman, and you still date teenagers.
You know what? We don't need a xylophone player, anyway.
I'm gonna get hammered.
You defended me.
That was really cool.
Hey, F.
I Just because I am pretty tipsy and I'm in my mid-30s doesn't mean that I'm automatically gonna put out.
Put out what? Intercourse.
No worries.
My mom wants me home by 10:00, anyway, unless I'm sleeping over.
Am I sleeping over? Hey.
Oh, hey.
Are you sure your mom doesn't mind if you stay over? Nah, she's legit.
What are you wearing? Oh.
This is what I wear to bed.
I also have snowman ones and glow-in-the-dark racecar ones, so - Oh! - Oh.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Well, hey, maybe I can turn that onesie Into a nonesie.
Oh, wait.
Hold on.
Just let me Um, hang on.
I'll be right back.
I'm sorry.
You okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm coming in.
No! No, no, no! Don't What are you doing? I'm getting my eggs frozen in 36 hours, and I have to give myself a shot at exactly 9:00 P.
- You're freezing your eggs? - Yeah.
Isn't that a decision that we should make together? We broke up.
Everyone always says I look cute in these.
I didn't realize it'd be such a pain.
Yeah, don't worry about it.
Do you want to kiss, or Just Just say some stuff.
Um Like I like a lot of animals.
- Um, really big fan of dogs.
- No, no.
Just describe to me what I'm doing.
Just do it sexy.
Um W We're lying in a bed, and, uh, and my head is on the pillow.
Oh, forget it.
Forget it.
- I'm pretty close.
- Okay.
Where should I, uh Where should you Look, I have to do this right now or it's not gonna work.
Well Or you could just have babies with me.
I can't have babies right now.
I I still have to tour, and I have to record, and I want to write a Broadway musical.
- What about what I want? - What do you want? You! I want you, and I want kids with you, but, like, now.
Like, soon.
I have to do this right now because Look, this is just an insurance policy in case we don't work out.
We will work out.
We have a history of not working out! I know today was, like, our greatest hits, but what about our "b" sides? - What do you mean? - You left me.
You left me three times with no explanation.
Yeah, okay, okay, but this time, it will be different, okay? If you trust me, you won't do this.
You have to choose Real babies with me or petri-dish babies by yourself.
I can't believe that just happened.
Do you feel any different I mean, now that you're not a virgin? I wasn't a virgin.
Why would you even think that? Well, you're in jazz band.
Well, I'm not a virgin.
I mean, I'm way more advanced than you.
What do you mean, "advanced"? I just feel like a woman in your age bracket should be a little more in touch with her sexuality.
I'm in touch! I'm amazing in bed.
Okay, maybe not amazing, but I'm really good.
Okay, maybe not really good, but I'm not bad.
Am I bad? It's not bad.
It was just kind of Vanilla.
Vanilla? Look, I could teach you some stuff You know, things that girls from my high school do.
I think you're a little immature for me.
What do you expect? I'm in high school.
- Oh, hey.
- Hey.
Good luck on your surgery.
Oh, thanks.
Cross your fingers for E aster.
- Lots of eggs.
- Oh, right.
Is that for the parade? Yeah, I've had it since I was 11.
It still fits.
Have you washed it? Oh, yeah.
I got it out of storage and had it dry-cleaned after 9/11.
- Oh.
That makes sense.
- Mm-hmm.
- Well, have fun kazooing.
- Thanks.
- Happy Easter.
- Thank you.
Hey, everybody! Hey, guys! Thank you so much for coming.
This is awesome.
You g Okay, we got one, two, three six of you.
Um, do you have your kazoos? Uh, are we gonna do it right here, on the street? Well, where else would we do it? Well, okay, guys.
No, w No.
What are you Put Put those away! You You do know what a kazoo parade is, right? "When a woman fellates a series of flaccid penises.
" Oh, no, no.
This is not that kind of parade.
No, go Go home, guys! That's the w That's not the parade I wanted! It's different! Riki.
- Hi.
- Hi.
So, how many did I get? We're gonna have to try again.
So, like, none? Actually, you had seven.
Oh, wait.
This is someone else's.
I'm sorry.
You had none.
- You had none.
- Oh.
Who wants to be a mom, anyway? Parents look so freaked out all the time, like they just heard a siren and they have no idea where it's coming from.
Plus, kids are so boring.
Do you have any idea how many times you'd have to, like, make it a sandwich or throw a ball at it or whatever? - Like, a lot.
- Yeah, I still kind of want one, though.
Well, you could just bang some shitty dude and ruin your life the old-fashioned way.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How'd it go? Um I only got Lennies.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Where is everybody? Apparently, a kazoo parade is some perverted coitus fetish.
- Really? - Yeah.
Nothing is the same as it used to be.
A kazoo parade isn't a kazoo parade.
Words They don't even mean the same things anymore.
You know what? Why don't we do one last kazoo parade? Let it have its old meaning one last time, and then we'll put it away forever.
- Yeah.
- Cool.
But wait.
Are we total losers for doing this? Yes.
You didn't do it, didn't reach your goal.
Your heart is broken, you're an asshole.
In the end, you didn't have what it takes.
So here's to you and your huge mistakes.
You're humiliated, hollowed out, and exhausted.
You were in the ring fighting the fight, and you lost it.
This isn't your time, this wasn't for you.
At least you did everything you could do.
You're a loser but a dreamer, you're tired but you're strong.
You're going on no evidence.
You don't listen to common sense.
You went all in and you were wrong.
You are such a loser, good for you.
It's something that a lot of people can't do.
Trying is hard, that's why people don't do it.
Losing is hard, they can't make it through it.
But not you.
You are such a loser.
You are such a loser.
Here's to you, 'cause you deserve a cheering section, too.
Throw your heart at it, so what if you break it.
You know now that you're strong enough to take it.
Don't let it break you, don't let 'em break you.
Fake it, keep going till you have a breakthrough.
Icarus is bullshit, that's why it's called mythology.
People can't stand genius without an apology.
Forget that, forget them, go get what you want to get.
Let them stay home and comment on the Internet.
You're a loser but a dreamer, you're tired but you're strong.
You're going on no evidence.
You don't listen to common sense.
You went all in and you were wrong.
You are such a loser, good for you.
It's something that a lot of people can't do.
Trying is hard, that's why people don't do it.
Losing is hard, they can't make it through it.
But not you.
You are such a loser.
You are such a loser.
Here's to you, 'cause you deserve a cheering section, too.
You can only fall that far 'cause you set yourself up so high.
Who really cares that this time it didn't fly? At least you tried, at least you tried.
At least you're not that guy watching from the side who thinks he's doing better 'cause he wasn't defeated, when he's just a nonentity who never competed.
You're the one who's out there reaching for something greater, and you know it's better to be a loser than a spectator.
And you are such a loser.
You are such a loser.
So here's to you.
I got you a present to make you feel better.
- You did? - Mm-hmm.
I got you a present, too.
- You did? - Yeah.
What is it? - Riki and Kate puppets.
- What? I know they're not as good as the ones you make, but they're really accurate.
Thank you so much.
Um, yeah, no problem.
Oh, wait.
Okay, hang on.
Ooh, what is it? What is this? - Well, you know my fear journal? - Yeah.
I gave it a happy ending and made it into a kids' book For your baby, whenever you have it.
"For Riki's future baby, by Kate Micucci.
" "When you are a kid, "everyone compliments your art.
"When you are a kid, you get to eat popsicles, fish sticks, and jello.
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