Gates (2012) s01e04 Episode Script

1 Excuse me? -Copy of The Big Issue, sir? -No.
I've already got that one.
Brand new issue out today, sir.
I could No, no, no.
Don't have any change.
-If I'm honest, I can't have you -What? -Hanging around.
-I'm not hanging around.
Don't want to make a big issue out of this Oh! But no.
I'm going to have to ask you to -Shoo! -Shoo? I'm not a pigeon.
-Dad.
-Yeah.
Can we buy one of the man's magazines? Ah.
This I'm afraid this is not an official pitch.
-No, it's fine, I don't mind.
-With respect, that's not the issue.
Seriously, I've got couple of quid here I must insist that you don't.
I really can't allow you.
Sorry, folks! This gentleman isn't supposed to be here.
I'm moving him on.
I've asked you nicely.
If you don't comply, I will have to shoo you by force.
-Where will he go? -Home, I suppose Well, not home, obviously.
Wherever he lays his hat.
Crisis averted.
Nothing to see.
We should do something to help him.
Well, charity week is approaching.
I've got an idea.
As long as it's nothing Mr Gould would object to.
Dad! Dad! Hiya! What's this? We're doing a sponsored sleep-out for charity.
And we're all going to sleep on the playground, and it's all night.
And the best thing is it was all my idea.
Brilliant! It's a brilliant idea, babe.
Can't believe you came up with it all by yourself.
CHLOE: So which one of you is coming with me? Why don't we talk about it in the car, yeah? All right.
I tell you what I tell you what What I have found What I have found That I'm no fool That I'm no fool I'm just upside down Just upside down #Ain't got no cares #Ain't got no cares I ain't got no rules Ain't got no rules I think I like I think I like Livin' upside down Livin' upside down Livin' upside down Livin' upside down -Lunch.
-Lunch.
Lunch.
-Lunch.
-Lunch.
Baba boo, I nearly went for this one.
So, how you finding it? It's well safe.
Right.
Shove me nooks and nuts bruv, Totaly Look, it's well safe? init.
It's got a car belt, check it.
Before you know, some of these others push chairs can take a child out just like that.
Seriously For real? Scary.
-No way.
-Thought you were saying you wanted to spend more time with Chloe.
Quality time.
Not shivering in a cold playground, wrapped in cardboard.
-Who wants to feel closer to nature? -You own over-trousers.
Professional over-trousers.
Business over-trousers.
Over-trousers with a dedicated chisel pocket.
Not pleasure over-trousers.
Ah! Mr Pearson, Mrs Pearson, welcome.
Chloe's sleep-out is literally the only thing the other parents are talking about.
So, which one of you am I going to put down? Um Think of it as father-daughter bonding.
Oh, God.
Incoming.
Hey, bet she's got pleasure over-trousers.
Yeah, and he probably uses them to clear up the hot tub when they have their swingers parties.
(LAUGHING) Hey, you don't know that, love.
Anyway, you need something more absorbent.
-Morning! -Morning! So which one of you two drew the short straw? Sarah will be camping.
I would have loved to have done it but I've recently been Rolfed and I'm still rather tender.
-Rolfed? -It's a form of massage.
I have issues with my lower lumbar.
You going? Oh, yeah! No, I insisted.
It's a father-daughter bonding thing.
Yeah, right! I bet Helen's laughing up her sleeve while the cat's away, eh? No, no! My plan for the evening is to do nothing.
First on the to-do list, do nothing.
Close second, do more nothing.
I think that sounds perfect.
I'm so glad there'll be some male energy there now I'm forced to leave my husband all alone.
Unless Helen would like to join me? Yours truly makes a lean mean tagine.
What, even after a good Rolfing? -(ALL LAUGHING) So what do you say? Your face, my place? Oh! I'd love to but, um, I can't.
Busy, busy! (LAUGHING) Hmm, I thought you said you were doing nothing.
Oh, it's just a figure of speech.
Really? In what way? Yeah, tell us, babes.
Oh! You know what? Sounds like a brilliant idea! -MARK: Yay! -I couldn't agree more.
Ah, Chloe, Mark, welcome! Sorry.
I thought we were camping.
We're sleeping rough for charity.
Two very different things, as I'm sure you'll appreciate.
Enjoy! All right.
(INAUDIBLE) -Isn't it wonderful? -Wonderful? Wonderful, Miss Hunter? I'm afraid I don't see it as that.
Helping your fellow man? Well, I'm all for helping out.
Go, helping! Yay! I mean, surely we can help people without sinking to their level.
Perhaps you could point that out to the woman from the newspaper.
Newspaper? -No tent, no fun.
-It's not meant to be fun.
I mean, homeless people don't have tents or anoraks or anything.
(GASPS) How cool is that? No, do not answer that question, 'cause I'm telling you that it is as cool as you-know-what.
Only 5 pounds.
Do your bit for the homeless.
Yeah, all profits split.
40 to charity, 60 to me.
Eh? Look, I'm making them cash.
40 percent of nothing is still nothing.
Actually, babe, it's less.
It's 40 percent.
So, it's less than nothing.
MARK: God.
This way, Chloe.
Quick.
CHLOE: This isn't what I wanted it to be like.
(KNOCKING) -Hi! -Hi.
-Oh, sorry.
-Sorry, I thought we were going for two.
Of course, the French go in for three.
Oh, the French, eh? Saucy buggers.
What do they know? Glad we're not French.
You're not French, are you? No! No, no.
You're quite safe with me.
It's for me and them.
He actually spent a night out in the garden.
And nearly bought the economy caveman beard, and then I thought, ''Uh-uh, no, no.
''WWFWD?'' ''What would Forest Whitaker do?'' I mean, if he can learn Swahili and take up the accordion to play Idi Amin, then, dammit, I can grow a beard.
-Except you can't.
-I don't know, the night is still young.
Give it another 24 hours and it'll be Captain Haddock.
Okay.
Check out that face.
Like a midget Germaine Greer.
Come on, don't tell me the homeless don't like to party.
They're just like you and me, babes.
So less of the grumpy chops, eh? Okay, 1 0 more minutes and I'm starting my genuine Aussie campfire stories.
Guaranteed to freak you out.
Go on.
You're allowed some fun.
Hey, just 1 0 minutes, mind.
Then it's serious face before bedtime.
-Wild one.
We setting you out, bruv? -Yep.
Look, I'm sorry about this whole sleep-out thing, it's Hey, it's cool, man.
I mean, very good idea, bruv.
Bit of quality time with the kids.
Yeah, I don't see enough of 'em now they taken off the tag, though.
I mean, you know how it is.
When you're under house arrest, you're there for 'em, 24/7.
Anyway.
So! I gather we have your Chloe to thank for our little gathering.
Yeah, yeah.
You know Chlo when she gets an idea into her head.
A Mr Gould All Star in the making.
Fantastic! Just one thing, just so you are aware.
The local press are coming in.
The front page.
I've been asking all the parents to It's just your, um, your little area's a bit -feral.
-Oh! No, no, no, I'm just setting up.
Lay out the materials, measure twice, cut once, that sort of thing.
Well, yes.
You are the professional.
You know best.
In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if you had a had a cardboard skip out on your lawn.
Or a cardboard radio, blasting out Radio 1 so your poor neighbours can't hear themselves think.
But we are all civilised humans.
So, keep it neat.
-Well? -Mmm! Mmm.
-It's certainly got a flavour, yeah.
-(CHUCKLES) You wouldn't know it was for those with coeliac disease, would you? -Not without being told, certainly.
-(LAUGHS) Love it.
I thought we were expecting the photographer at 7:00? Oh, and you want to look your best.
No, no, no.
This is a private charity event, all right? They're doing this for you.
Please, don't spoil it.
Uh, excuse me.
Sir, excuse me! Actually, I invited him, to talk to the children.
After all, a real understanding of homelessness -can only come from a shared experience.
-Miss And the photographer was so excited about it.
What was that phrase he used again? ''Potential front cover.
'' Hello! Glad you could make it.
-Who are they? -Oh, that's Big Derek, Flip-Flop Dave, the Rev, uh Not sure, not sure.
Yeah, I think you'll find we invited you, not the whole homeless community.
Uh, excuse me! There's been a bit of a misunderstanding I know what you're thinking.
You can't help yourself, can you? You cheeky little minx, I can see it in your eyes.
See what? You've lost me.
I was going to wait till after dinner to ask you.
But what the hell, call me a naughty boy, -but I just need to know.
-Now, hang on You've been sizing it up, haven't you? -The eyes don't lie.
-Aiden, I So how much do you think the place is worth, then? You can take the estate agent out of the estate agency but you can't takeher to water.
(LAUGHING) Right! Yes.
Yes, thank God! Well, obviously I'd have to have a proper look round first but Wait! You haven't even seen the hot tub yet.
-Do you ever cry, Mark? -Hmm? Just for no reason? -Just cry? -Um There was this one time with awith a nail gun.
Oh, no, bless you.
No, um Oh, I'm sorry to be so direct with you but You see, you open me up, Mark.
Yeah? I never talk to Aiden like this but you actually hear me, don't you? -Two working ears.
(CHUCKLES) -No defences.
Not tonight.
And the last thing you see before you die is your own screaming face reflected in its huge, bloodshot eyes.
-(YELLS) -(KIDS GIGGLE) Does anyone know the name of the deadliest spider of them all? Man! Nice try, darl.
Not actually a spider.
-Spider-Man! -(CHILDREN GIGGLING) Yes, I come from a great dynasty of hot tub owners.
How about that? My mother has a hot tub, so does my great-aunt.
It's a medical thing.
They have psoriasis.
Oh.
-Do you? -No! Disgusting.
Flakes.
Yuck! (GAGS) So -Would it add value? -(SIGHS) How could it not? Okay, gather round! Gather round! A real treat for you.
I've brought in a genuine homeless person, to talk about their life and experiences.
Milton.
That's right.
A genuine homeless person called Milton.
Take it away, Milton.
First up, there's a person here I just want to say a huge ''thank you'' to.
Actually, um Before you start, I'd, um I want to share with you a dream of mine.
I have a dream, a dream which I've have for many years, in which we all walk as equals, hand in hand, the homeless and the home full, together in a world full of houses.
If we work hard and focus on that dream, we can get rid of all of the homeless people.
Uh Less of the homeless Less of the homelessness.
-I love homeless people -So why did you sent them away? Good question.
Top mark.
No, no, no, I asked them to leave for, um, er, Health & Safety reasons.
It's a risk assessment.
-Why are homeless people a risk? -MARK: Chloe.
Please, that's enough.
-I was only asking.
-Mr Gould wants you to stop asking.
-Why? -Because he's your Headmaster -and you're embarrassing him.
-Thank you! And, might I add, you're also embarrassing yourself.
So we cleared that up.
Pictures.
Of course, a real understanding of homelessness can only come with shared experience.
Couldn't have put it better myself.
(SIGHS) Hmm.
Do you smoke? I've got some doobage.
-Doobage? -Yeah.
Just bang.
Bit of nug, a few buds.
None of the nasty, no soap bar, just regular blow.
You into your bob? -You a blazer? -No.
I mean, not any more.
(CHUCKLES) Okay.
Old-school.
You must be so proud of her.
Standing up to Gould like that.
She clearly feels things very deeply.
Genuine sense of empathy.
Sometimes I wish Zack was a bit more in touch with his emotions, but he has his own unique energy.
-I can see that.
-Yeah.
(SIGHS) Yeah, maybe I was bit hard on her.
Ooh! It's getting colder, isn't it? -Is it? -Yeah.
Look at my arm.
Getting goosey-bumples.
-Look.
-Oh, yeah.
Mmm! Hey, perhaps we should, um, conserve heat? I've smuggled in a sleeping bag if you're feeling chilly.
Maybe I should just check on Chloe, actually.
Chloe! Chloe! Okay.
So, I've got a question.
I was driving along last week and I saw someone who looks a lot like you just sitting in their car by the side of the road.
I don't think it was me.
I think it was.
You know how I know? Because they looked exactly like you.
-I'm sure -And their car was the same as your car.
Lots about.
Very popular model.
And had the same registration number as your car.
(WHIMPERING) -(SOBBING) I'm sorry.
-Oh, no.
Oh, don't do that, please.
Oh, you are.
Oh -I'm so sorry.
-Oh Chloe! Shh! -Did you hear that? -What? Never mind.
Creepy, isn't it? Lucky I came with you.
Chloe! Did you ever see that film Death School? No.
Chloe! Turns out the janitor had turned the boiler room into an improvised torture chamber and he was abducting the kids one by one and The one that lived looked just like Chloe.
-Dad? -(BOTH EXCLAIM IN SURPRISE) Chloe! Where have you been? I've been looking everywhere for you.
I just went for a wee.
If Chloe's here, who's in there? (CLATTERING) (WHISPERING) All right, you two stay there.
What do you think you're doing? Okay, put the chair down.
No, you put your chair down.
Call that a chair? That's a chair! So you're getting up every morning and pretending to go to work? When you say it out loud, it seems so stupid.
Sitting in your car isn't going to help.
It's the only place I can think.
What if she's had enough? What if she leaves? You have to tell her.
She'll understand.
She defines me by my career.
If I'm not an Outreach Coordinator specialising in project logistic solutions, I'm nothing to her.
Just wanted to see if my trophy was still there.
I won the poetry recital show of 1981 .
Memorised the first three chapters of Paradise Lost.
I can still remember it now.
Oh, bless! Please don't.
''Of man's first disobedience'' Alan Bradley.
The beard threw me.
Last time I saw you, you'd bothered to shave.
-I was nine.
-Well, he gave a lovely recital.
Word perfect! So you came to this school, then? Yeah.
Course, it's all different now.
But you were a bright, bright boy.
Very sharp.
-So, um, what -Happened? Nothing.
I was doing okay.
Lost me job, marriage broke down.
Here I am.
It's just life, isn't it? Never know what it's going to throw at you.
Look.
Never works out the way you planned it.
Billy Leggett, wanted to play for Arsenal.
He's in pet insurance.
Allison Granger, grade 8 bassoon, manages B&Q.
I think she's a prostitute.
(THUNDER RUMBLING) (ALL CLAMOURING) You never really wanted to do it at all, did you? -Yeah, course I did! -No, you didn't.
You thought it was stupid and embarrassing, making everyone sleep out here.
Well, maybe a little bit.
Then why didn't you just tell me the truth? -Sorry about all -Oh, it's fine.
You got emotional.
Happens all the time.
All this we can keep between you and me We can but I don't think we should.
Do you? You have to tell her.
You can't sort this out on your own.
Thanks.
Oh Hey, Milton! Can I give you a lift somewhere? Yeah, you could take me to the shelter.
-It's carrot and coriander soup tonight.
-Oh, super.
Hop in.
-So where is it? -Uh, Fellbrook Avenue, please.
-Don't suppose you know the postcode? -No.
(SNIFFS) Mmm.
Well, we did sit quite close together but that was more of a Ray Mears deal.
As long as she didn't try and get into your over-trousers.
That is the beauty of over-trousers.
It gives you a second line of defence.
Chloe seems a bit flat.
Is she okay? Apparently, I've been a terrible parent.
-Again! -Mmm.
Seems it's -Harder than it looks.
-harder than it looks.
-So what do we do now? -Well, I think I can fix it.
But you're not going to like it.