Gates (2012) s01e05 Episode Script

Episode 5

1 These parent evenings always run so late.
I don't know why they don't just move the start time half an hour on.
Helen, it's just a chat with a teacher.
It's not the dentist.
You know what, I think I'd actually prefer the dentist? Being physically drilled is much better than being mentally drilled.
You know you said that if you ever totally lose it and act like a crazy woman, I should tell you? Yes? You're totally losing it and acting like a crazy woman.
You calling me a liar? I know that Parents' Evening can be a very emotional I repeat are you calling me a liar? I am merely presupposing that Miss Hunter She called my son a retard.
You mean retard? Yeah, now what are you going to do about it? I suppose I've always wondered would we be having some of the problems with Zack that you've raised tonight, well, if Sarah had managed to persevere a bit with the, you know, breast feeding.
To be honest, Mr Howells, I have yet to find a link between a child's inability to do joined up writing and whether or not they were breast fed.
Thank you.
It was just a theory, darling.
Well it was the wrong theory, darling! I mean how long can it take? Oh! How'd it go? Great, yeah, great.
Really good.
She's quite something, isn't she? Hunter? Quite the lady.
Tres Formidable.
Loved it.
Answered all our questions.
Didn't she, darling? Brilliant.
That's good to know.
Parents' evening always makes me feel so nervous.
Wow, how could you ever feel nervous with this man at your side supporting you? Right, well, we'd better shall we, darling? Mr and Mrs Pearson? So your daughter is Chloe.
Yes, Mrs Pearson, I do know her name.
Oh, of course.
Of course you do.
Of course.
Silly me.
Silly, crazy old me.
You're not happy with fine? Well, I suppose we were hoping for a bit more, um, detail? Detail.
OK, ask Zack to draw a daffodil and you get this.
Ask Sam to draw a daffodil and you get this.
Ask Chloe to draw a daffodil and you get this.
What are you saying? She's hard working, quite intelligent and she does exactly what she's told.
Only she's completely different at home.
Is she? Yes.
She's very peppy.
Umm You should come round and see her at home.
Really peppy! Good for her.
This is all our fault.
Babe she said our daughter was fine.
It's hardly pole dancing and a crack habit is it? I quote, "She does exactly what she's "told.
" Which is traditionally seen as quite a good thing? Chloe is a conformist! A little Miss Goody Two Shoes.
We've raised a teeny tiny little "Yes Woman.
" So you would have preferred someone "peppier?" Look at this! Look! This isn't a star chart.
This is a Chinese medal table.
We didn't have Chloe so she could be "well trained".
No, we had her because we love each other.
And because the pill doesn't work after a bad prawn bhuna.
But eating that bhuna was the best thing that we ever did.
Wasn't it? Of course, it was.
Which is exactly why all this has got to stop.
So no more rules.
No more charts.
From tomorrow, this family is living on the flipping edge.
Are you going to put that in the recycling? Mum! Dad! We're going to be late.
Mum? No worries.
Are you OK? I'm OK.
I'm 'A' OK.
Are you OK? I'm hungry.
Have some pizza.
For breakfast? Why not? You can eat it on the way.
Mum says we're having pizza.
For breakfast? Oh! Mmm! Where's my Star Chart? Oh.
That's gone.
Why? Well, because you won! No more stars to get.
I won? Mm-hm.
And first prize, cold pizza for breakfast.
Welcome to the edge! A denial! There's been a complaint.
The Thomases.
The Andersons? No, Mrs Jeffries.
Angry Mrs Jeffries? Yes, she claims you called her son a Oh, as if I'd use that word.
Stupid woman.
I said her son had been hoist by his own petard.
Petard! That is as may be.
The complaint has been lodged, and that means for all this paperwork I need an equivalent amount of paperwork from you.
By lunch.
You know, if all this is becoming too much for you there are other options available.
Such as? Never enough time to stop and smell the flowers, is there? What's your point? Stepping down, taking a back seat, you know, putting one's feet up.
These are all different words for one golden opportunity.
Oh, are you suggesting I retire? Retire? Well, I mean if that's how you feel, Miss Hunter, I mean, far be it from me to stand in your way.
Well, I have no intention of retiring.
That's excellent news.
Is it? Yes.
Aiden? Aiden Howells, unwind this window right now! Gosh, Helen how lovely.
Sorry, didn't hear you.
Fascinating episode of Woman's hour on.
Jenny Murray's a marvel isn't she? So you still haven't told her about the redundancy then? Not in such bold terms, no.
Sarah doesn't handle news very well.
Proud to be outta your mind and outta control One more time, loud as you can, how does it go? Cos I'm Slim Shady, yes, I'm the real Shady All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up, please stand up.
I can't hear you! I'm Slim Shady, yes, I'm the real Shady All you other Slim Shadys are You rang, M'Lord? Ah, a joke, excellent.
At any rate, now that you've decided not to retire, I wanted to talk to you about going on a course.
A course? Yes.
Education Parents As Customers.
Now I know what you're thinking I hope not.
It takes place over 12 weeks, conveniently held on Wednesday nights.
I went last year and found it very informative.
The role playing was particularly eye-opening.
Apologies! Got a bit waylaid.
Chloe wanted pizza.
For no reason.
Good for her.
Mr Pearson are you still alright for Wednesday? In what way? I was just about to tell Mr Gould about our little chat at Parents' Evening, and how we'd arranged extra tutoring after school on Wednesdays? Did we? Mrs Pearson was very keen for me to see how peppy Chloe is at home? I see.
Are you coming to our house tonight, Miss Hunter? No time like the present.
Er right, yeah, yeah, cool.
See you tonight then.
Come on you.
About the course.
I'd have been fascinated to learn about customers as parents.
It's parents as customers.
Is it? Yes.
Is it really? Yes.
Are you quite sure? Yes, it is.
Hello, you.
What's up? You look worried.
No, no, just we've got Miss Hunter coming round tonight.
Helen invited her sort of.
They do that, don't they? So called 'life partners'.
They spring things on you.
Or worse still, don't tell you things.
Make you scrabble around behind their backs, looking through their sock drawers and coat pockets and gym bags.
Do they? Force you to steam open their post, and then leave you wondering why they've applied to be a kayaking instructor in Llantwit Major.
Life partners, eh? I don't even know where Llantwtit Major is! I'm so sorry I promised myself I wouldn't do this.
Silly, silly Sarah! No.
You're not silly.
You've no idea what it means to me to hear you say that.
Any time.
Really? Wow.
Just knowing that you are there helps so much, you've no idea.
Well, listen I really have to go and get Chloe.
But, you know, you take care.
Mark? Can we keep this between us? Our secret.
Thank you.
You started it.
"Oh, you should see her at home.
" I didn't mean she should literally come to our home.
What have we got to give her when she comes in? Tea? Coffee? Oh, my God, we've only got instant.
I bet she hates instant.
Don't offer her coffee.
I told you we needed an espresso machine! Is that what you're wearing? Yes.
Why? Oh, you! I'll pick you out something less formal.
Remind me what we're trying to achieve? To show her the real Chloe.
That is the real Chloe.
You get it.
I'll go and sort out Chloe and grab a CD we need music.
Something snazzy.
Snazzy? Oh, Sarah, hello.
Hello, you.
What are you doing here? You said any time? And now is the time.
It's not a good time.
No, it isn't.
It's a very bad time.
It might be the worst time of all.
Em? Have you told Helen? Told Helen what? Listen! I need to ask you three questions.
I want straight answers.
Do you understand? Helen, please! Bub-bub-bub.
Three questions.
Are you planning to, or are you currently having an affair with that woman? Absolutely, totally, definitely, completely not.
Alright don't go all Charlie and Lola on me, just clear answers, please.
I'm not.
Question two.
Have you said anything or done anything to or with that woman that I should know about? NO! Except What? Well, I used the phrase "any time" But I meant it like, "hey, any time!" You know, sort of Sopranos-y "Forget about it!" any time.
Not "Come round to my house "Weeping at any time".
Question three.
How crazy is this woman? Hello.
Chloe's just chilling in her room.
Well, I say that she could be anywhere.
In her room.
In the garden.
Up a tree? She tends to wander.
Anyway, come in.
So, erm, can I get you anything to drink? Herbal tea? Smoothie? No, no, I'm fine, thank you.
Oh, hi, darling.
Chloe, look at you.
Got your favourite t-shirt on.
That's good.
Right, well, I'll just leave you two to it.
Make as much noise as you like, Chloe.
As usual.
Right, Chloe.
First things first.
Where do your parents keep their Creme de Menthe? There, there.
Let it all out.
Come on.
Just let it all out.
Divorced, beheaded, died.
Divorced, beheaded Retired.
No, I think it's, "survived".
Lady Catherine lived after the King died.
But for how long, Chloe? What if she just got tired of going on and on surviving? Miss Hunter? Mmm? So shall I put 'survived' or 'retired'? Why don't you decide? Good morning.
How was last night? Good.
Good? That's all I'm getting for my thirty quid, is it? Good? Divorced, beheaded, died.
Divorced, beheaded, retired.
So how did you get rid of the mad woman? Do you see what I have to deal with? I mean she could literally talk the hind legs off a donkey and then she'd probably adopt it.
Morning, Mark.
Sarah, hi.
I hope you don't Do you think that about Miss Hunter? Talking all the time.
You know, talk, talk.
Yakkity yak.
God, yeah, isn't she? Thank you for lending me your shirt.
I didn't know that you only had the one.
Give it back! Not now.
Sarah just needed a night on her own, didn't you? I'm dropping her off this morning on my way into work.
Um, you wouldn't have any Soy milk would you? I'm lactose intolerant.
Afraid not.
We're all very tolerant in this house.
He was just so wonderful Was he.
So in control and yet sensitive to my emotions.
I bet.
I suddenly thought "I bet this is how Lady Di felt "About Paul Burrell.
" Look where you're going, you bloody idiot! Listen.
Aiden's no bad catch, you know.
And he was worried sick when I called him to let him know you were staying at ours.
I'm surprised he'd noticed frankly.
Sometimes you don't see things till they're staring you right in the face.
What do you mean? Why don't you ask him yourself.
Everyone? Well.
Before you leave, there's something I need to tell you all.
When you come back next term you will have a new teacher.
I've been very happy teaching you all.
And I'll miss you all very much.
Thank you.
But you can't leave.
You're our teacher.
And you will have many more in good time, Chloe.
Everyone the bell has gone, which means it is time to go home.
Half term approaches.
Where's our lot? Why are 4B the only ones not out yet? Miss Hunter's probably kept them back reading Dylan Thomas cos someone said bum again.
Isn't that right, Candy? S'pose.
Oh, hi, you two.
Not at work today? No, um no, not today.
Actually not for a bit.
Don't pussyfoot round, darling.
I've been rationalised.
Made redundant.
There said it.
Well done, you.
Right, parents of 4B.
We have something of a "situation", I'm afraid.
It appears that the children are refusing to leave.
- What? Might I have a word with you two? It's about Chloe specifically.
You can see my problem.
Chloe? Miss Hunter's leaving.
And we don't want her to.
No way.
Yes, well Mummy and Daddy are here now, taking full responsibility, so it's time to go home and leave Miss Hunter to her carefully considered and might I add, timely choice to retire gracefully.
I'm not going.
Nor me.
- Nor am I.
Why are you leaving? Yeah, well I'm sure for very private reasons.
Actually, I'd like to hear Miss Hunter's reasons? Yes.
As I said, the bell has tolled, so Would you? Would you, really? No, I, I don't think they would.
Yes, we would, actually.
Well, when I first became a teacher, my job was to prepare children for life.
I'd watch them, and listen to them, and try my very best to understand them.
And then I would teach them what I thought they needed to know.
I would try and give them the answers they needed, like, "How many beans make five?" "If the universe is infinite, how big is that exactly?" And, "if you stopped doing wees, would you eventually burst?" But now, instead of answers, there are only questions.
"Are you an improved school?" "Have you met your learning targets this term?" And then in the middle of all this, children, there's us.
Like we're the least important link in the chain.
I shall miss you all very, very much.
And there we are.
A thought-provoking speech in a rapidly changing world.
I think I can speak for us all when I say goodbye.
Good luck with your future plans.
Now, everyone, skedaddle.
Move over you.
No? We're staying here.
With Chloe.
Yes, we all are.
Me too! No, no, no, no.
This is, er, this is unacceptable.
And me.
Me too.
Me too.
And me.
If only it were that simple.
You see Miss Hunter has tended her resignation.
I've accepted.
And now I'm withdrawing it.
If only it were that simple.
It is.
Very simple.
If only it were.
I think you'll find it is.
From now on, you can do what you like.
You can wear what you like, you can eat what you like.
You can see who you like.
Really? Uh-huh, because all the evidence has shown that you know best.
So does that mean I can get my ears pierced? No.
Thank you.

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