Ghosted (2017) s01e14 Episode Script


1 Ah.
Who would have done this? Effective immediately, I am taking over as director of this department.
I can't even confirm that his badge is authentic.
Listen, you messed up.
You got demoted it happens.
Oh, I know who bugged the office.
Kenneth Lanier.
The same dude who funded the documentary They Came from Space.
(MUFFLED SCREAM) - (BOTH LAUGHING) - What? I just noticed you don't have on your wedding ring.
Anyway (STAMMERS) I just wanted to Maybe.
(DOGS BARKING) And this light you saw, can you describe it? You've never seen light before? Excuse Is that tape? It keeps out the spiders.
How? With the sticky.
And how did the light move? I don't know.
I guess it was attached to a ship.
Right, not what made it move but, like, what direction? Up, then back, then forward, then up really high.
(CHUCKLING): You're kind of short.
How does the sticky stop the spiders? Taste of their own medicine.
So, you saw the light in a field Over the field.
You stupid? No, but you are.
LEROY: So the spider thinks, "This is what it's like to be caught in a web"? The spider thinks, "Oh, no, this woman is a giant spider, and I better not mess with it.
" MAX: How did you hear about us? From The New York Times.
Or, from where I'm from, The Times.
(TIMER BEEPS, DOGS BARKING) Ooh, my spider soup is ready.
LEROY: Girls hit your hallelujah - MAX: Hey - Girls hit your hallelujah - Ho! - Girls hit your hallelujah - Yeah - 'Cause uptown BOTH: Funk gonna give it to you! 'Cause uptown funk's gonna give it to you! You've got that down, man! It's so exciting.
We're gonna see him.
- BOTH: Tonight! - Ooh-hoo! We're just going to the concert, like it's no big deal.
I'm telling you, he puts on a show, man.
I can't wait.
Can't wait.
Uh Oh, you know, I wanted to, uh This is kind of weird, just because I'm not really a signal guy.
- You know? - Signal guy? Yeah, like, I never did the sock on the doorknob.
Okay, okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But, if at a certain point tonight you see me do this - Jazz hands.
- Right.
Maybe give, uh, Annie and I a moment? - A moment for you and Annie? - Yeah, I don't know, it's You know, it's been a while since we checked in - on each other's vibes - Oh.
- You know.
- I thought that was done and buried.
Well, she's been on my mind, and, uh I don't know.
I probably won't make a move tonight.
I don't think you should.
What? Why? - (TIRE BLOWS OUT) - Whoa! Oh, my God.
- Whoa! - Hold on, hold on! We need to change this fast, get back on the road.
Or we could change it in the time it takes to change it.
Hey, what did you mean I shouldn't ask out Annie? Ah, you know, coworkers.
Things get tricky with everything going on.
Is this because of the jazz hands? 'Cause it's not a big deal at all.
I could totally come up with another signal.
You know, like, uh something less Broadway, you know? Like, uh Like, uh - Is that a teapot? - It's a teapot.
That's right.
I could work that into a conversation.
I don't think I can make it tonight.
(PHONE RINGING) Okay, it's the restaurant confirming our reservation for tonight.
Can you hold on one second? Are we still a party of three, or (SIGHS) No.
Okay, Leroy, listen, I can't keep Petite Poire on hold forever, man.
That's a very romantic restaurant.
Is it? How about this? If you want to go out with someone, you ask her out, the two of you go, and we'll call that Max's private romantic life.
Yeah, we'll see you tonight.
Now, it's a patio table, right? Great.
All right.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Oh, check this out.
I'm gonna send this to Annie.
She's a butterfly nut.
Max - Did you - I slept with Annie.
see that? Huh.
So, like, you and Annie? Or I know it's kind of a bomb to drop on you, and I was looking for the right time to tell you, but then the UFO happened Yeah, no, it's cool.
I mean You know, Annie and I never dated.
- We were never even a thing.
- Right, right.
So, who cares? We may have seen an alien ship, like, a spaceship.
Us! Paranormal investigators.
- What are the odds, right? - Unbelievable.
So, were you guys, like, on a date, or? Max.
Max, let's not go down this road.
- It only happened one time.
- Going down a road? - I'm just asking you a question.
- No.
Wha Max.
I just didn't want to hide it from you.
No, and I'm glad you told me.
- Like, I love having this info.
- Yeah.
- You know? - Good.
- Girls hit your hallelujah - (SOFTLY): Hey - Girls hit your hallelujah - Eh It's Saturday night, and we're in the spot Sorry if I was a bad lover.
It's just that, since the election, I can only climax in the fetal position.
Shut up.
Why are you after me, Lanier? And why did you bug the Bureau? We weren't in the room.
All right! I'm part of an organization called the Triangle Group.
Yeah, don't be confused by the hexagon logo.
It was just a big, wild meeting that went sideways.
Why are you targeting me? And why did you bring that Merv Minette in to replace me?! I don't know who that is or what you're talking about.
Ha-ha! Ah Now, I get to ask you a question.
Who's the? Oh, no, wait.
What's the? Oh.
Uh, why could, uh? Give me that, you idiot.
All right so there was no conspiracy against me.
I, I just got demoted because Oh, I'm sorry.
You want to hear the kookiest part of all this? They're already here.
Who's already here? We.
We're already here.
Okay, we're not saying for sure that this is an alien craft that you're about to see, but we have a pretty good No, no, you're about to see it.
You want to see it? SASHA: Let's just watch it, please.
Here we go.
- Excellent camerawork from this one.
- Thank you.
BIRD: That's a butterfly, I think.
- Why would you film a butterfly? - BARRY: Boring! Heckle, heckle, bang the gong.
Guys, it's not about the butterfly.
Okay? I mean, yes, it's very exciting to see a tiger swallowtail - this early in the season.
Okay? - Rare.
I get it, but just keep watching.
Oh, my God.
MAX: It's zigzagging.
- LINDA: Whoa, no way.
- BIRD: Could be a punctured balloon.
DAVEY: My wife cannot find out about this.
That was definitely something.
- Did you get closer? - LEROY: Watch this turn.
- It's probably just a drone.
- Nothing can move like that.
- That was no drone.
- MAX: Right? - (ON VIDEO): Did you - LEROY: I slept with Annie.
- see that? - (WHISPERING): Turn it off.
Turn off.
LEROY (ON VIDEO): You hear me? Max.
- LEROY: Turn it off.
- MAX: I can't - (ON VIDEO): Max.
- (ON VIDEO): Yeah, I heard you.
LEROY: Still want to make a move, at least you know everything.
BIRD: Watch it again? Start right after the UFO leaves? - Yeah.
- I think so, yeah - (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - MERV: Hey, that-that's enough.
That's enough.
No one's watching anything.
When I was your age, we didn't have TV at work.
Just find out the real explanation.
DAVEY: For the UFO? Or the Leroy-Annie thing? ANNIE AND LEROY: The UFO.
MERV: The thing on the video.
For the love of God, don't call it a UFO.
Makes us sound stupid.
(QUIETLY): So, how was it? Sasha.
It just seems to me like you didn't have to tell him at all.
To not to tell him would've been unfair to all three of us.
How would it have been unfair to me? Okay, to me and Max, then, but I just wanted to include you.
Well, you have made things really hard for me.
He was gonna ask you out.
So? What does that have to do with you? Okay, sure.
Taking off? Just coming back, actually.
Of course.
You were missed.
Maybe it's a good thing that you're here, in this office.
Perhaps I haven't been fair about recognizing that.
Was that one of the steps you learned at your mental spa? I just hope that none of my actions have compromised our mission in any way.
Worst case scenario you scared off a ghost or two, but we'll be fine.
Uh, look.
I'm here if you need me, so, you know, I know this place inside and out, and frankly Do you know how to work that-that single cup pod plungey thing? The coffee maker? It's supposed to be simpler, but I just can't seem to figure it out.
Well, maybe if there were, you know, posted, clear instructions.
Yes, yes! You know, like, a one, two, three.
- Brilliant.
- Yep.
Thank you.
Ken, did you find anything from the NOAA database? No, nothing.
Um, Bird, there was nothing reported from SpaceX? Did you say "space sex"? (LAUGHTER) ANNIE: Really? Okay.
The object wasn't on any known flight path.
It didn't come from any regional airports.
JPL has nothing, FAA has nothing.
I-I just don't get it.
(CHUCKLING): Not what I heard.
- Hey.
Did you get your groove back? I did not.
I heard about the UFO.
And you and Leroy.
(SIGHS) It's hard to be a woman at work.
I want to redefine myself.
I want to get in front of this.
I want to know what I'm about again.
I want people to shut up about this and move on.
You are going to seize control.
You got that? You're a freakin' badass goddess, and you are scared of no one.
You will control this.
- (DOOR OPENS) - No.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
- Hey.
- Oh, hey.
Can I hide in here for a minute? - Sure.
- (SIGHS) Hey, why the sad face, champ? I know I shouldn't be upset, Barry, but I am.
Get rid of the word "should," just get rid of it.
I ought not to be upset Oughtn't you? It's embarrassing, actually, to have this reaction.
I never dated Annie.
I never asked her out.
What's this little girl saying in there? Tap, tap, tap.
Sh-She's sad.
Sad because you like Annie, and she screwed your partner.
Okay, a-all right.
How do I get past this? You have to shag somebody Leroy likes.
That's bad advice.
Or-or you could just get with Annie.
Yeah, maybe I ought.
- Hmm? - Maybe I ought.
Oh, balls! So, I, um just got off the phone with my lawyer.
No, that's not a good way to start.
Um Hello.
I just got off the phone with a lawyer who says I cannot ignore complaints of a sexual milieu, as much as I'd like to.
Any questions so far? Are you okay? No.
Last time I had to do this, I was a head counselor at a camp in the Poconos.
If anybody needs, uh, vodka, there's some in my office.
MERV: Okay, look.
These are difficult times.
Everywhere you look, there's booby traps.
You know, "Can you say this? Can you touch that?" Maybe I shouldn't have said "touch.
" Maybe you shouldn't have said "booby.
" I didn't.
"Booby trap" is separate from, you know, chesticles Who made the complaint? Oh, that's confidential.
Was it Sasha? No.
Ken? - No.
- Barry? - No.
- Davey? - Can't say.
- Mm.
I complained because I'm married, and I don't think it's fair for the single people in this office to be banging each other right in my face.
LINDA: That is disgusting.
And sad.
- Sad is not the half of it.
- MERV: Okay.
Why don't we just say "no dating in the office," and we can end this thing? KEN: I read they have a policy at Facebook, where you can ask an employee out once, and if they say no, you can't ask them out again.
Well, that's good.
Let's do that.
Um, but what if you have a strong suspicion that the person only said no because of a beard, and then you shave the beard? Well, then you, you get to ask again.
So, let's say you can you can do it twice, you know, providing you have some significant physical alteration.
Can we all just agree this entire conversation is unnecessary? Oh, is it? - Yep.
- Really? - Really.
- All right, 'cause I was wondering, I don't know, what if you had a coworker that you considered, like, your closest friend, and they went on a date with another coworker This is the worst code ever.
who you specifically did not ask out.
That's right.
They didn't.
- That guy didn't.
- Because you were still getting over a failed marriage, which said coworker totally knew about because of your numerous discussions on the drive in to work.
I'm just curious - what the policy is on that.
- Oh, my God, make it end.
I'm trying.
Maybe the policy should be acceptance because you are a grown-up with full knowledge that dibs are for kids.
The world doesn't stop because you're not ready.
Maybe the rest of the world has a bunch of drinks at Campos de Oaxaca and whatever "happah, happah.
" - You guys, we saw a UFO.
- MAX: Campos de Oaxaca? I remember that night.
Yes, we were all there together, having some drinks, and you chose to go home and binge-watch The Marvelous Mrs.
Well, I didn't know there was a secret plan for me to go home and for you to go Don't get hung up on the details.
My place, okay? We went back to my place.
LINDA: Ooh, ouch.
Ouchie, ouchie.
MAX: Okay.
Annie, can I speak with you, please? We're right in the middle of this.
Um Yes, it is totally on me for not doing this a long time ago, so here I am, risking it all, and, uh Annie, will you go out to dinner with me? - No.
- (LAUGHS) Um, right, uh so let's just call it a date, and it can be any time, - like, dinner or whatever.
- No, no.
I'm sorry, but no.
(SIGHS) - Uh - You okay? Yeah.
You know what? I'm angry, actually.
I didn't make him Um, I am angry at Leroy - because he makes this impossible.
- It's not Leroy.
It complicates things, wouldn't you say? - No! - You and Leroy - may be complicating it? - No.
I It doesn't.
I'm sorry.
But like (STAMMERS) Just months ago we were, like, flirting all the time.
You were flirting.
You're great.
I just don't feel that way.
But you said "maybe.
" Yeah, a big chunk of maybe is no.
So you're not into me? No.
You're really not-not-not into me? I-I'm usually not this off.
This is blowing my mind.
Is it one of those things where, like, you can't get close to someone that you like? No, I can if I want to.
Well all right.
I mean, you've, you know, thrown a lot at me here, and, uh, I feel like, uh I don't know.
I'll just take some time and mull it over and I'll let you know.
- Sure.
- Cool.
But if you have any other questions, the answer is probably no.
- Yeah.
- (DOOR OPENS) - (SIGHS) - (DOOR CLOSES) So, uh - I have a question.
- Not now, man.
No, it's okay, now is good.
I went through a very similar experience, and I thought it might help you guys to hear it.
Uh, two years ago, I was hiking in the Pacific Crest Trail when I came upon the most radiant beauty I had ever seen.
For the purposes of this story, I'll call her Sierra.
- Is that her name? - Is that whose name? Sierra.
-I don't know anybody by that name.
Meeting adjourned.
So, we walk for some distance, and she invites me back to her place.
- I say, "Okay," and - Is this a question? There is no bigger question.
Also, I wasn't interrupting you when you were sleeping with Annie, so I would appreciate similar courtesy.
And, uh right away, things get heated.
Um It would be inappropriate for me to tell you what happened, but let's just say there was some French kissing, that's the kind with tongue.
She used her tongue to remove her clothes and my clothes and she led me down to her bedroom, where her friend was waiting.
I'm gonna call her Sierra.
And they asked me to lie facedown on a table, and I said, "Absolutely.
" And we put the "F" in UFO.
And about a minute later, perhaps less, we put the "O" in UFO.
And I woke up in the woods the next morning, and I didn't have a belly button anymore, but I felt amazing.
- Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew.
- So Okay.
And ever since that night, - my penis - (GIGGLES) has become magnetized but to aluminum, and it makes cooking difficult, and it makes baking impossible.
(MAX AND LEROY LAUGHING) So, thank you for your supportive laughter.
How can I reach you? Someway Somehow (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) I hear tales and truths About your hurtful ways Ooh Oh What you do Oh What you do Oh Oh Hey, did you know that she didn't like me that way? No.
B-But you know who does like you? The lady with the tape in her hair.
I slept with her, and I'm sorry for you.
That must hurt to hear.
It does hurt to hear.
Spider lady trapped you up, huh? Well, I'm sorry about that.
Sorry, too, man.
LAFREY: Gross.
My own vows weren't that romantic.
We need to talk.
Then Lanier started talking about this organization called the Triangle Group.
Now, they may be based - What, from the math? - What math? Gromov's non-Euclidean crystallographic theory of infinite light.
Well, he-he didn't mention that, no, but, uh - Oh! He did say, "We are here.
" - Who is here? If he'd said who, I probably would have led with that.
MAX AND LEROY: We, we We, we, we, we, we, we, we, we That and triangle.
BOTH: Triangle, triangle, triangle Tri-angle That's three angles.
I never thought about that word.
How could that never have occurred to you? It's not "squa-are.
" - What? - Squa-are.
Triangle, triangle, triangle - Triangles.
- Triangle, triangle, triangle.
Triangles, triangles