Ghosted (2017) s01e99 Episode Script

Hello Boys

You're teaming up with the guys from Ghosted.
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Previously on Ghosted One of our finest agents, Mike Checker, disappeared.
If anything happens to me find Detective Leroy Wright and Dr.
Max Jennifer.
Remember the big guy from the power plant? - Yeah.
- He took his own head off, and he just, like, set it on a table.
Oh, my God.
That's my wife.
I have to know, were you abducted? Do not look for me.
Hey, uh, you mind if we work in here, uh, skateboard-wise? A little.
We don't usually like to skate with narcs.
- Narcs? - Yeah, right.
My man Skeeter here make Tony Hawk look like freaking Tony Stark.
- Boosh.
- Yeah, but Tony Stark is awesome.
Never mind.
Hey, Gonzo.
'Sup? I'm gonna show these fools how real it can get.
Y'all in for a treat.
Set it up.
Come on, rip that trick.
Balance, baby.
Right? - Call that a tail grind.
- Dope.
That's already the name of something.
- Oh, is it? - You so smart, let's see you try it.
- Yeah.
- Come on, come on.
I bet you 50 bucks you can't do it.
50 bucks? Show 'em, Luke.
- Punk him out.
- 50 bananas.
Punk you out.
Hey, he's starting to pull it off.
I think I might give it a new name.
- Mors vincit omnia, - Ooh.
acclinis falsis animus mellora rucusat.
Porkits Perniciem? Solet - Serin - Keep going, Max! uh Felicitus Jones Is that something? I think that's an actress.
The spell was your deal.
I had the sacred ring of salt.
Hey! No! Aah! Great.
Wait a second.
It's sugar.
I had to cut it a little bit.
Who has that much salt at home? Oh, boy.
Hey, you guys do know that your friend is a devil, right? They don't care.
They don't care.
So, this is the fifth case in a row that you two have bungled.
How did you screw this one up? Well, you know, demons are tough.
Think about it.
For thousands of years their number one enemy - God.
- God.
The man upstairs.
And he's no slouch.
And, you know, he's barely been able to make a dent.
Well, you just have an excuse for everything, don't you? - Well - Let's see, last week it was that, uh, "Swamp cephalopods are too slippery.
" - Plus, they smell like fish booty.
- Leroy, have you completely forgotten all of your LAPD training? Criminal behavior's predictable.
If the wife is dead, the husband did it.
Arsonists return to the scene of the crime.
Yeah, and shoplifters steal mostly orange stuff.
Little piece of info from the new Malcolm Gladwell.
No biggie.
In this job, the rules are different.
You can kill this thing with silver bullets, but these things over here you got to trap inside a mirror, make 'em say their name backwards.
I yearn for the simple pleasures of chasing a crackhead through a farmers' market.
So what you're saying is you're not sure that you're right for this job.
No, no.
Hold on.
No, I I didn't hear that.
I don't I don't think I did.
Look, we are in a slump, okay? But, you know, this is where we belong.
I mean, y-your top agent, he asked for us by name, remember? Yes, I do remember that, Max.
And I would really like to ask Agent Checker why he said that, but you know what, I can't, because you two haven't found him yet.
That is true.
But we-we have some solid leads.
- Right, Leroy? - I started using his dentist.
- What? - He did such a gentle cleaning.
All right, look, you two are benched until you've gone through a full performance evaluation.
What?! - Geez, Annie - That way.
Cryptids how do we identify them? How do we kill them? Is it ever all right to make love to them? Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
Okay, you can't be helping him.
My knee hurts.
Targets can be identified and tracked by their unique energy signatures.
Humans, animals, various combinations.
- That a chupacabra? - Very good, Leroy.
Go! Come on, Max! I didn't want to get dirty.
What's that thing? Some of the space agencies identify those as glitches.
Some of our satellites are junk.
Come on! Faster! Yeah! - We crushed it! - Nailed it to the wall, then nailed the wall to the side of a mountain! Yeah! These are the worst test results we've ever seen.
You were 50% lower than the next worst recruit.
- What? - And they were kangaroos.
- Captain LaFrey is not gonna like this.
- Yeah.
On the flip side, I'm willing to lie and change everything.
I'm very loyal.
I almost went to prison for my cousin.
That's okay.
LaFrey was right.
We're not meant for this job.
- Wha - I'm gonna go in there, thank her for the opportunity, and then have myself a "me day.
" Probably go to the Turkish bath, - get my plotz on.
- Wha Hold on.
Before anyone starts plotzing, - we need to talk about this.
- Max.
It's over.
Okay, partner meeting.
I'm calling an emergency partner meeting right now.
Let's go.
Come on.
Leroy, listen, you can't tell me you're gonna let some evaluation tell us if we're supposed to be here or not.
Man, those are just numbers.
This is our destiny.
I don't believe in destiny.
Numbers, on the other hand, are the basis of everything I believe in: money, bingo, and winning money at bingo.
I'm dope at bingo.
Aren't you the least bit curious as to why Checker chose us in the first place? Maybe he faked his abduction to avoid paying off a debt.
Maybe he's on Pitbull's yacht in St.
Barts - laughing at us.
- Oh, my God.
Y-You sound you sound crazy.
Do you know that? - You're crazy.
- Oh-ho-ho-ho! Okay, so I'm the crazy one now.
All right, well, you know what I'm not gonna do? I'm not gonna stay somewhere I don't belong just because I feel like I'm some kind of special, - magical, chosen person.
- Oh, that's great.
That's great, Leroy.
Why don't you just go back, then? Go back to the "regular world," where everything you can't understand is just waved off as some sort of hoax or hallucination or glitch.
Leroy! Okay, so the night Checker was abducted, we saw that big bald guy just ejecting all of this energy up into the ship.
Right? Well, I think that that energy is the alien species, and they were using the bald guy and whoever else as hosts.
Okay, so you think Checker is walking around with an alien inside him somewhere.
He hasn't shown up on any of our surveillance.
Well, yeah, because anyone walking around with that kind of energy inside them isn't gonna show up as human on any of our sensors.
- It would read as a glitch.
- Exactly.
- That's from six months ago.
- Come on, Max, it's an interesting theory, but this all seems random.
Does that seem random? That's from last night.
Zoom into that cluster and put up the satellite view.
Recognize him? Oh, my God.
That's the guy from the fro-yo place.
What? No.
That's Checker.
- No.
- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah What the hell's going on? - Oh, hey.
- Hi.
I was just looking for my contact lens.
- There it is.
Right there.
- Oh.
Thanks, Leroy.
Leroy, I thought you were done with the Bureau.
- Something came up.
- We had to look for my contact lens.
- Yeah.
- So I was like, "Hey, man, will you help me out?" I was like, "Yeah, I'll help you" Okay, just stop.
Tell me what's going on.
Oh, my God, it's Shh I'm so excited, I could dance.
I could dance so hard.
But I'm a professional.
Please, carry on.
- Okay - No one can know about this.
Well, you know I have to tell Captain LaFrey.
Annie, listen, all we need is five hours to follow this lead, and if we come back empty-handed, then we'll personally deliver this and our test scores to LaFrey and accept our fate.
We need this.
Five hours.
- You're the best.
- Thank you.
We're finally here.
We are finally on our way to finding Checker.
We're finally gonna I don't know, get some answers.
- We might find Checker.
- Well And even if we do and your theory is correct, that could be much, much worse.
Dude was a badass before he had alien strength.
Alien strength? What What's that? How do we know he's even strong? What, you think aliens are weak? How do we know they're not weak? I mean, see, - that's what I'm saying, we don't know.
- Dude, we saw an alien.
He punched through the wall, remember? Well, he was a really big guy, and that was a very old wall, Leroy.
I mean, you know, we don't know these things.
- Really? - Yeah, really.
Listen, we can handle whatever's thrown at us.
You're a badass, Leroy.
I'm a badass.
We're badasses.
Okay? Look, I don't know if you know this, but around the office, our nickname, as a duo: The Badass Brothers.
Aren't you more a badass by association? BABA.
Look, there is no possible way we're gonna get our jobs back unless we do something right.
Max, once this is over, I'm done with the Bureau.
- No, n-n-n-no.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, n-n-n-no.
Leroy, you cannot say that.
You cannot tell me you are done with this place.
Okay? If we do find Checker, will you at least be willing to admit that maybe, just maybe, this was meant to be? That we were meant to be.
Right now, I'm just focusing on finding the guy that got me into this.
Think that was a yes.
I guess there's not much going on out here, huh? Leave it there.
Leave it there.
I kind of dig it, actually.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Me too.
Yeah, this is good stuff.
So, you think all of these people were abducted and have aliens inside of them? Yes, I do.
Wish I could tell you what the hell they were doing, though.
Man I mean, that dude just looks like someone's dad.
Yeah, totally.
"This, uh, 401K "really chaps my hide.
"Someone get me my cholesterol medicine, please.
" Here.
Ooh, ooh, let me see, let me see.
Oh, check her out.
"Oh, oh, my kittens.
"Where are my kittens? I don't know what to do with my kittens" She has so many kittens.
It's crazy.
We shouldn't be doing this.
These people are going through a horrible ordeal.
You're probably right abo - Whoa.
- Whoa.
- Hello, boys.
- Whoa! No.
Don't move.
You guys shouldn't have come.
How you doing? I can't believe it's him.
What do we do? Grab the handcuffs out of my back left pocket.
- Back left pants pocket! - Okay.
How high do you wear your pants? I don't I don't know how to use handcuffs, I Well, I can't do the cuffs and the gun.
You do it.
You do it.
I can't do the cuffs and the gun I got the gun.
I can't I don't Okay.
Don't move, or I swear I'll go get the gun! Don't announce it.
Shwaaa! Oh, my God, Leroy, you kicked his head off.
I didn't know you could kick shwaa.
Grab the head, let's go.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
- Damn! - Oh.
Gun it! Gun-Gun it! Gun it! - Do it again.
- What? Reverse it.
Back over the body.
You have to make sure it's dead! Ah Cool? Maybe just once more for good measure? Man, I think I messed up the suspension.
Ugh! I cannot believed you armed those idiots.
Where the hell have you two been, huh? Do you have any idea what kind of trouble you are in? We found Checker.
So, it seems they're using human being as hosts.
There were eight just like him.
Just one One sec, one sec, uh Hey, that's my banana.
- There we go.
- Okay.
So this device should temporarily neutralize the aliens' energy and allow our old pal Checker's winning personality to shine through.
Or it will just melt his brain, and goo will just come out of his ears.
Okay? Ready.
One, two, three.
Agent Checker? What? What? Where the-where the hell am I? Agent Checker, calm down, okay? It's Captain LaFrey.
- Who? - Captain LaFrey.
- Captain LaFrey? - Yeah.
We have reason to believe that you were abducted by some form of extraterrestrial.
What? W-Where the hell is my body? Is it is it okay? Of course it's okay.
His body's okay, right? Um Yeah.
Yeah, it's terrific.
Hi, Agent Checker, I'm Max Jennifer.
We have a lot of questions for you.
Wait a minute.
Professor Jennifer.
Detective Wright.
You guys found me.
This is good.
This is very good.
Okay, why is that good? And w-why did you want us? It looks like I don't have much time, so I'll get started.
Before my abduction, I uploaded the evidence that I discovered of these alien beings in my own private, encrypted server.
I call this alien race the Illuminescents.
They possess the ability to travel through the multiverse.
In parallel universes, they already conquered many versions - of Earth similar to ours.
- Similar to ours? And as you can see, some haven't fared so well.
Now, I don't know what their endgame is, but the aliens possess our bodies, our minds, they use up our resources, leave the Earth in a state of total destruction.
Okay, but, again, why us? I mean, - what do we have to do with this? - Well, in every reality where the aliens invaded Earth, you two came the closest to stopping them.
Us? Me and him? Max Jennifer and Leroy Wright? - A mall cop and a bookstore clerk? - Okay.
In one reality, you're a lawyer, you're a truck driver.
Another, you two run a successful doggie daycare business together.
That's not the point.
What matters is that every single time, you two always come the closest to stopping them.
The "closest to stopping them"? Like, we almost save the world, but everyone dies anyway? What do the other us-es do wrong? W-What Should we start working out? Take karate lessons? Hot yoga? W-What, like, can you tell us something that'll help us? S S-Stop Claire Jennifer.
M-My wife? Wait, wha What are you talking about? Your world is ours.
- Prepare to die.
- Whoa! - Do something! - Hey, hey, give me the, uh, Taser.
This thing is going to explode.
- Max! - Okay.
Annie, do something with this! - What? - Annie, you're up.
Come on, get going! Uh, we can create an EMP cannon, and it should decimate the head's charge.
- It's gonna blow.
- Give me the damn gun! Good night, sweet prince.
He was a true hero, and will be missed.
Seems like a cool guy.
He had a cool accent.
I felt like, if he had a body, I-I would've wanted to hug him.
He had cool jackets.
That's-that's a enviable - .
- Shut up.
You disobeyed my orders, you brought a hostile entity into this bureau and you were involved in the death of a beloved agent.
Oh, and I'm gonna get rid of my Far Side calendar and have one made of these: your test scores, because that's how funny they are.
Who cares about test scores? We just found out we are the chosen ones.
Yeah, but what if we're not? I mean, we probably aren't.
I mean, these things, they have been coming and destroying our planet over and over again for who knows how long? With power beyond our comprehension, Leroy.
I don't think you get it.
It's over.
Do you know what the odds are that we're the Max and Leroy that are finally gonna stop them? I do.
Okay? Look.
24%? That's not bad, actually.
Oh, sorry, that's the APR on this credit card.
- There you go.
- Point zero, zero, zero, zer You know what, Max? I don't care about that.
Here's what I get: it's not about the odds, it's about faith.
You're the one that taught me to believe in the unbelievable.
And right now, I'm choosing to believe in the most unbelievable thing of all, and that's you and I may be humanity's best hope.
I hate to admit it, Max, but I think he's right.
So what's it gonna be, Max? You gonna go back to your job at the bookstore? Quietly wait for the apocalypse, while racking up high interest rate credit card debt? Or are you and I gonna show Agent Checker his sacrifice meant something? Well Bookstore's closed anyway.
I mean, print's dead.
My man.
All right, you two chosen ones.
Go home and get some rest.
You're back in the field tomorrow.
Yes, ma'am.
Query: are you guys still officially married? We are.
I don't want to overstep my bounds here, but you might want to consider filing for divorce, on the grounds that your wife may be part of a plot to end humankind as we know it.
Yeah, that's a pretty good call.
Oh, uh, hey, what do you think of the name "the Illuminescents"? - For the aliens? - Yeah.
- No disrespect to Checker, but - Right.
Sounds like opening band at a prog rock festival.
- Yeah.
- You know? I'd just go with - Zappers.
- Zappers.
Yeah, that's no, that's cool.
I-I mean, I was just off the top of my head, I was thinking, the Energons? You want it to be defeatable.
You want it to sound like Y-You could tell people, "Hey, the Zappers are coming.
- We got this.
" - Which I'm not sure we want? Just because, do we want to c-cushion the blow, or do we want people to be careful, or I mean, it just depends on what you want.
Energons is like, "Oh, uh, oh, my God, uh It's We're doomed.
" Everybody's gonna go crazy.
We need it to not be chaos.
I mean, I think "the Energons" puts the appropriate amount of fear Oh, Max.
What's going to happen to us? Good night.
Good night, Max.

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