Ghosts (2019) s02e01 Episode Script
The Grey Lady
1
-Hi.
-Good evening.
Fully booked again tonight?
-I'm sorry?
-
-You
-
-
-
MAN: Morning.
WOMAN 1: Morning.
-WOMAN 2: Good morning.
-
Living the dream.
ALISON: It's clear.
Yes!
On your marks.
Get set.
Go!
For King and country!
-Morning.
-Morning.
If music be the food of love
-He just really speaks to me.
-Oh, no, not this berk again.
Get a job!
Oh, eh, eh, four down is bum.
Bum. Bum.
Robin, for the last time,
no newspaper's gonna
Three letter,
gluteus maximus
-Oh, yeah, you're right.
-is bum.
-Yeah.
- Buh, uh
-Good. Very good.
-JULIAN: Come on!
-Come on.
-Yes.
-Okay.
-Yes.
Takes me back
to the David Lloyd in Chelsea.
-So where did we get to?
-Er, World Cup '86.
It's quarterfinals.
-England-Argentina.
-Ah, right.
Ah, the hand of God.
You what?
Maradona scores with a handball.
Swings the match.
Well, don't tell me
the score
2-1 to Argentina.
What's wrong with you?
-You absolute
-Dikhet.
-Robin!
-Is six-letter permit to travel,
-dikhet!
-Oh, ticket!
-Dikhet!
-Ticket!
-Here.
-Yeah. Okay.
You're getting good at these.
Well, me very clever. Ugh.
Hey!
-Uh-uh!
-Ugh.
'Orse.
Huh. Huh-huh-huh-horse.
Oh. Laughing 'orse.
Thank you.
-Absolute filth!
-
Oh, thanking you kindly.
Oh! I do not like
where this is going.
-Morning.
-Morning,
-Hi, Alison.
-Back to the grindstone.
-Yeah.
-Which reminds me,
we found this grindstone.
14th century.
Honestly, your cellar
is literally a gold mine.
-When you say literally?
-Archaeologically speaking.
Ah, yeah.
Here we go, then.
Oh, push it!
-Well?
-Two minutes, 30.
Same as Well, always.
I mean, it's always
two minutes, 30.
Blast!
-Well, keep at it.
-Hmm.
Maybe I need to try
some new stretches or something?
Yeah. Or maybe you
can't really get any faster,
you know,
because you can't build muscle,
what with you being
And I mean this with
all the love in the world,
We didn't win the war
with attitudes like that,
-No.
-No!
Right. I'm going to go
and stretch my hams.
ALISON: Well, I mean,
they won't stretch,
He's dead.
-I'm dead.
-Yeah, you're dead, yeah.
-You'll be dead soon.
-What?
Sorry.
ARCHAEOLOGIST: Right.
Hard to be conclusive
about cause of death,
but, er, well, it's gonna be
plague, isn't it?
From the pelvis, I'd say female.
-30 to 40.
-
Down, down.
Bowed right femur.
Probable limp.
- The winner!
Evidence of extensive syphilis.
No, no, not that bit.
Same as the male
from yesterday.
-Geoff!
-What?
Someone's been a naughty boy!
-Hiya!
-
-Hello, stranger.
-Forgot to say,
that, erm, we've got
a photographer coming today
to take a picture
for our brochure.
-Oh, for the hotel?
-Erm
No, we
We ran out of money,
This.
So we're thinking
of trying to use
some of the big rooms
for functions,
weddings, you know, erm
-Nice.
-Which will be nice, yeah.
Er, yeah,
and we need to get
so do you think
you could move your van?
Well, I could, but
Yes, great, thank you.
-Any end in sight?
-Er, yeah, nearly there.
Few more days.
Sorry it's taken so long.
There's just so much history
on this site.
Honestly, if these bones
could talk.
Yeah, well,
that would save us all
a lot of hassle, wouldn't it?
But then, who'd believe you?
-
Oh-hoo!
So, the aim
is to turn it into a venue.
A venue for what?
Er, well, you know, weddings,
parties, Bar Mitzvahs.
Girl Mitzvahs.
-Bat Mitzvahs.
For bats?
-What?
-Huh?
Erm, we need it to look nice,
so if you could
avoid the bad bits.
-Well, just find the best angle.
Yeah, I mean, we know that
the camera never lies,
but if it could not
tell the whole truth,
then that would be
very handy for us.
-I'll see what I can do.
-Great.
There's simply
not enough space
to do the whole roof!
Er
It's the 3rd Earl of Wimborne.
-Okay.
-
I'm not sure Impressions Club's
going to work, is it?
Well, let's not be too hasty.
No one's heard
my Nelson Mandela.
-Outrageous!
-Haven't done it yet.
No, no, no, no!
Alison, get the tradesman
off the lawn!
-Snap-snap!
-Erm, Rory, can we try
-This way?
-Yeah, just
All the way off the lawn!
-A little bit
-Yeah.
Both feet!
-Yeah. And more
-Hurry up!
And just That's perfect.
-Here?
-Yeah.
Whatever happened to standards?
Absolutely.
Mustn't let things slide.
All it takes is a little
-effort.
Ugh! Look at this evil old
-Isn't that
-Oh, no.
MIKE: She's everywhere.
Look, and there!
-Where'd you get that?
-Over there.
-Did you know this happens?
-I had no idea.
If indeed that is me,
she looks at least
20 years older.
-How come she can be seen?
Perhaps it's only
if you're grumpy.
-Ah!
-Or ugly.
Well, her photo's
all over Facebook now,
so we can say goodbye
to doing events.
No one wants
a haunted wedding.
No one will know.
Look, it's only one window,
and he doesn't say where it is.
-ALISON: Hmm.
Okay, but does anybody
actually read the comments?
JUSTIN: Gah! Just look at them.
Gullible cretins!
I mean, what sort of moron
believes in ghosts?
You are a ghost.
Well, yeah, but, you know,
before I became one,
you wouldn't have
caught me believing
in this sort of nonsense.
ALISON: I'm gonna
go and talk to them.
MIKE: And say what?
That there's no such thing
as ghosts.
Yeah, you tell 'em.
Bloody weirdos!
Hi, hi. I'm Alison
and I own the house.
-Erm
-
I do!
Look, I know why you're here,
but I can assure you that
there are no ghosts Ghost.
There is no ghost.
I know that it looks like
a very spooky, old house,
but there's nothing creepy
going on here, actually.
-Hi, Alison.
-Could you open the gate?
Really? Now?
Well, you made us move the van.
Yeah.
-MAN: Is that the Grey Lady?
-
Obviously,
I know how that looks,
but that is unrelated
to the ghosts Ghost!
Erm, look, the photo is a fake,
and I'd really appreciate it
if you could all
just go home, please,
and not go spreading
any rumours or
-Well, that worked.
-Hmm.
So you're a paranormal expert?
Yes, indeed, I am
a paranormal podder,
blogger, vlogger and psogger.
Sogger?
It's a psychic blogger.
The P's silent.
Oh, eh, oh, we on TV.
We're on TV!
Oh, we're on TV.
Oh, come, come see,
look, huh, see, look.
-Some very fascinating spirits,
erm, and there's lots of
emanations coming from
coming from this house
Sorry, what was that, Tony?
That's my guide. Tony.
Yeah, no, he was just saying
that something bad
happened here
MIKE:
We are all over Twitter.
"Man, this pic
has me bricking it.
"That ghost be one scary-ass"
Is she in the room?
BOTH: Yes.
Well, it doesn't say "lady".
It's just a pity the owners
because the opportunity
to study this kind of
is so valuable.
How valuable?
Let's find out.
Hi Hi Hello!
Hi, yeah, I'm Mike,
I live here and
-I do!
-MAN: If you say so.
Er, anyway, my wife
might have been a bit hasty
with some of the stuff
she said earlier.
So, well,
let me put something to you.
And you just
get to be yourselves
without me telling you not to,
so go full ghost.
Julian, just shove
anything you like.
Robin, just go crazy
with the lights.
Mary, lot of weird
burning smells.
And a few Fanny pictures.
-Oh, can I play?
-Oh, yes!
Teamwork makes the team work.
-No
-No, speak for yourselves.
Personally, I don't want
a bunch of misfits
poking around
in every corner,
keeping us up at night
with their probes
and their machines
-Capt Captain
-Yeah?
It It's actually just
these four I really need.
No offence.
But, haunting-wise,
you don't really
have much to offer.
No. That's fine, actually, er,
because I'm, er
I'm busy with something.
-So, thank you.
-Mmm-hmm.
Sorry, guys.
No.
I wish there were
something I could do
to assist fair Alison.
Yeah, the irony, eh?
I had so many skills in life,
knot-tying, tent-pitching,
archery
-Oh, no, well
-ALISON: And Mike has this
No Sugar,
I'm Sweet Enough mug
that I would really love
to meet with an accident,
-so if you could just
suddenly push it
-erm
-And what's in it for me?
Well, there's not really much
that I can
-A smartphone.
-What?
There was a review
in Robin's paper
for an application
which allows you
to play golf
with a single finger
on a smartphone.
But they're hundreds of pounds.
Well, if you don't
want my help.
Are you trying to
blackmail me?
With respect, I think
the real issue here is
Er Oh, I'm not
on Newsnight now, am I?
Yeah, it's blackmail.
Oh, come on, Julian,
everyone else
is willing to help.
Alison, I'm not
willing to help.
The smell of burnings, erm,
reminds me of being tied
And for that reason, I'm out.
Hmm!
-JULIAN: The offer stands.
And I will not
be paraded about
like some Parisian concubine.
Yes, she no porcupine.
Uh! And me no sideshow freak.
-Actually, Robin,
having been to a sideshow,
you're exactly like
No, no, nothing.
Guy Guys
And boom!
We have paying guests.
Ghost night is on!
Slight problem.
No ghosts.
MIKE: Welcome to Button House.
ALISON: Hi.
-Hello.
-MIKE: Just through there.
So what do we do?
I promised them stuff
moving on its own
and weird smells
and lights going off
They have gone on strike.
I mean,
-what do you want me to do?
-I don't know.
-You're the ghost expert.
-Hmm.
You're a ghost expert.
You know how they operate.
So can't we just
fahhk uht?
-Eh?
-Fake it.
-No.
No, that's completely immoral.
We can't just rip people off.
I mean, what,
they've paid, like
200 quid each.
Although, yeah,
okay, thinking about it
It is a real
haunted house,
so it's only, like,
a white lie.
We have to con them,
-because it's the right
thing to do.
Okay.
Hmm!
-Nice to see you,
to see you
It's like he's in the room.
Gentlemen,
there is an invasion afoot.
Despite expressly
forbidding it,
she has just
opened up the border
and let them all in.
The place is awash
with eccentrics and fantasists.
Uh-uh. No way, Jose.
We told her
we weren't playing ball.
Yes, there be
nothing to see.
-Slash smells.
-CAPTAIN: No, no.
They are planning
on faking it all.
Pretending that
there are ghosts.
I mean, it makes a mockery
of our very existence.
But these people came here
for a glimpse of Fanny.
Yes, and they can
hardly fake that.
Well, that's it.
Well, they still need you.
Of course! Come on.
We shall have to find you
a place to hide.
-Let's go. Come along.
-Come on, ape.
We're putting a stop to this.
I didn't die
to let someone else
fake the skills
I've honed in death
without giving me
a smartphone.
What?
And I'll I'll stays here
and watch
this wall.
Hmm.
-MIKE: Oh, yeah,
this part of the house
has a lot of
paranormal activity.
Oh, how exciting!
-I hope we see some.
-Kitty, I think we are some.
WOMAN: Check, one, two.
Check. Check.
KITTY:
Stick together, everyone!
WOMAN: One, two, two, two.
Pop into Pagham
to purchase a pig.
Okay. It's 21:07.
Recording in zone four
for EVP.
-What?
-Electronic voice phenomena.
It picks up vocal frequencies
of discarnate entities.
Ghosts, Danni,
the voices of ghosts.
-Right, proceed to zone three.
-Er
The kitchen, Danni.
Check your map.
-Did you hear that?
-What?
That thing there
picks up ghosts' voices.
Maybe we can help
after all!
-Help Alison?
-Yeah.
Speak into that microphone,
and we can prove
that this house is haunted.
What would we say?
Erm
Hello, and, erm,
welcome to Button Hou
Oh! Welcome to Button FM!
I'm Pat Butcher.
Bou-bou-bou-bou-bou!
The greatest DJ
in the area
And joining me this week
is renowned poet
Thomas Thorne!
How are you, Thomas?
Thomas, we're on the air.
And we'll be right back
with Thomas
after this song from
local band Chicken & Chips.
It's called
Where's The Cream?
Greetings,
my apparition apostles.
The Ghostmaster General here,
on the hunt in the kitchen
of Button House,
where restless spirits
are said to
Turn the light off.
Was that it?
Well, yeah,
but it's, like, really spooky,
'cause it's when you
least expect it
usually.
-Robin!
-Oh, it not me.
Ooh, clever!
Oh, well, why don't you
sleep with her, then?
GEOFF: Sweetheart,
we've talked about this.
Two can play at that game.
Hoo!
-
-Oh!
Hey! Who the daddy?
Who the daddy? I'm Daddy.
-
-
-MAN: Oh, God!
Things are kicking off
here, guys.
This is getting pretty spooky.
Oh, yes, that's really
thrown them off the scent.
Oh
No.
Okay, ease down. Ease down.
It's over, isn't it?
It's over.
Do you want some milk?
-Do you Do you want
a glass of milk?
Oh, that really
freaked them out.
Right, then, to the ballroom.
Well, we know
where they're not.
Come on, Fanny,
down you go.
But it's cold
and damp down there.
You can't feel the cold.
Huh.
Or can we?
Yes, cool the muscles,
improve performance.
A little night air
might just give me the edge.
And of course
your poetry rhymes,
which is A, harder,
and B, shows
you have a real passion
for the English language.
Is that fair to say?
Yes.
And we'll be back with Thomas
after these advertisements.
Buy cheese.
Please.
Louise.
Buy Louise's Pleasing Cheese,
made from only
the freshest Jersey milk,
lovingly thumbed
from our all Friesian herd
And we have
a lot of poltergeist
But that's where I live.
Oh, we also have
a smelltergeist,
smell-tergeist.
We're overrun.
ALISON:
If you just step this way.
-Do you smell that?
-Yes, yes, I smell it.
-Crafty cow.
Smells like fire,
but there is no fire.
-Apart from that one.
-
Oh, come on.
-GHOST HUNTER: Do you think
we should leave this?
I mean, that wasn't what
Okay.
We'll come back to that.
Now, anyway,
back to the
Where?
- Wait.
There it is now.
Don't let it eat me!
-Wow!
-
I hope you guys
are seeing this.
This is the real deal.
-MAN: It's moving again.
Evening.
Just resting my finger
against this mug.
-
Whoa-ho-ho!
Did you see that?
What the
-PARANORMAL EXPERT: Wow, er
-Oh, yeah.
That's really shaken me up,
actually, guys. Erm
I'm gonna have to sit down.
-Not ideal.
-And are these kinetic episodes
related to the full-body
apparition?
The Grey Lady, Danni.
Well, I mean,
she can be a bit elusive,
but, er, fingers crossed.
WOMAN: This is another room
said to be haunted
Oh, no, not again!
Hi, I'm back.
Sorry, I just had to
take a minute to, er
Oh, what's that?
What was that?
What was that?
Right, I can smell burning.
-Er, oh, that is so weird.
-
Right, I'm freaking out.
I'm freaking out.
I'm going to have to
get out of here.
-I need some air.
-
MARY: What was that?
PLAGUE GHOST:
What is that made out of?
-Sack?
-Silk.
Silk. And I have said,
"Don't touch."
What's holding your hair?
Oh, Walter, put her down.
She's old enough
to be your mother.
I beg your pardon!
-She looks like my mother.
-I resent that.
Except the teeth.
My mum had nicer teeth.
Can I come out yet? Please!
There. Start my lap
on the hour chime,
and who needs a stopwatch?
Yeah, touch of night air
on the old calves,
I should beat the pants off
my two minutes, 30.
Isn't that right, boy?
Oh, what do you know?
Right, here goes.
-Ah! Bracing!
-So, this Grey Lady
-Yep, yeah, er, be patient.
Biscuit?
Ah, I'll just be a sec.
Any sign?
No, I can't find her anywhere.
Okay, so what are we
going to do?
'Cause I promised these people
a Grey Lady ghost.
-Why did you do that?
-'Cause we've got one.
I think I've got an idea.
I just need to buy some time.
-Uh-huh.
-Okay.
JULIAN:
No, the poltergeist was me.
There aren't ghosts
that haunt ghosts.
-There no ghost-ghost.
-I know what I almost saw.
Still want that phone?
I need another burst
of that poltergeist act,
just while I sort
something out.
So what do you say?
Wanna play a few holes?
Oh, looks so good!
There's some sweet greens.
Okay, I'm in.
-Yes!
-Oi!
-Uh-uh-uh.
-Great!
Now, you see that mug?
JULIAN: Yeah.
ALISON:
The second he puts it down,
-do your worst.
-All right.
The housemaid's leg
was Gwendoline
and the lusty dog
was I.
Yet another poem
from Thomas Thorne there.
And apologies
for those still waiting
Right, let's see
what we've got.
Join me next week
when my guests will be
Sheena Easton
and Dudley Moore!
The kitchen, Danni.
Check your map.
-Here we go.
-Fame at last.
Nah. Nothing.
Thought as much.
There's no energy here.
With experience,
you can feel it.
You can't learn
that sort of thing.
it's a gift, a calling.
Come on.
You were great, mate.
You have a slightly
grating register
and a tendency to gabble.
Something to work on.
Right. On your marks,
get set, and
CAPTAIN: For King and country!
FANNY: Yes, yes.
I'll be sure to visit again
very soon.
Hideous creatures!
Couldn't take another minute.
-
There's a real sense
there could quite literally
be a ghost
around every corner.
I mean, if I just pan around,
you get some idea
of the sheer size
Oh, no!
Fanny's exposed!
But, sadly, no Grey Lady.
-Two, 29.
Shaved off a second.
-Well done, Cap.
-I knew it!
It's the cold air, you see.
I've still got it.
In my bally prime.
Two minutes, 30, weren't it?
-Slower, if anything.
Oh.
The Grey Lady!
There's freefloa
In zone, erm
There's a ghost upstairs!
-Right. Come on!
-Okay.
The ghost-ghost.
Guys, there you are.
I think I just saw
a ghost in there.
I really am
I'm sorry again for
Sorry.
You'll be hearing
from my lawyer
I really am sorry again.
For exploiting people
just because
they're open-minded enough
to accept the possibility
that there might just be
such a thing as ghosts?
Because, let me tell you,
there are spirits
all around us.
I just hope one day
you come to embrace them.
At least.
That must be galling.
Oh, eh! Er, ghouling!
-No.
-Come on!
-Doesn't really work, mate.
-No, come on!
It's already up on the blogs.
Huh-huh-hoax.
-Well, back to weddings, then.
-Off!
Off the lawn!
-Off the lawn!
-Now she does it.
Off the lawn!
Off the lawn! Off the lawn!
Er, Alison,
this has stopped working.
It's saying, "credit warning,"
something about
in-app purchases,
spending limits,
blah-blah-blah.
-180 quid?
-Well, yeah.
I had to buy some new clubs.
In golf, you have to keep up
with the latest technology.
Oh, you didn't even
do the mug.
Oh, yeah. Sorry.
-
There.
Now, I give you
my Nelson Mandela.
ALISON:
Oh, no, no, Julian, no.
-Hi.
-Good evening.
Fully booked again tonight?
-I'm sorry?
-
-You
-
-
-
MAN: Morning.
WOMAN 1: Morning.
-WOMAN 2: Good morning.
-
Living the dream.
ALISON: It's clear.
Yes!
On your marks.
Get set.
Go!
For King and country!
-Morning.
-Morning.
If music be the food of love
-He just really speaks to me.
-Oh, no, not this berk again.
Get a job!
Oh, eh, eh, four down is bum.
Bum. Bum.
Robin, for the last time,
no newspaper's gonna
Three letter,
gluteus maximus
-Oh, yeah, you're right.
-is bum.
-Yeah.
- Buh, uh
-Good. Very good.
-JULIAN: Come on!
-Come on.
-Yes.
-Okay.
-Yes.
Takes me back
to the David Lloyd in Chelsea.
-So where did we get to?
-Er, World Cup '86.
It's quarterfinals.
-England-Argentina.
-Ah, right.
Ah, the hand of God.
You what?
Maradona scores with a handball.
Swings the match.
Well, don't tell me
the score
2-1 to Argentina.
What's wrong with you?
-You absolute
-Dikhet.
-Robin!
-Is six-letter permit to travel,
-dikhet!
-Oh, ticket!
-Dikhet!
-Ticket!
-Here.
-Yeah. Okay.
You're getting good at these.
Well, me very clever. Ugh.
Hey!
-Uh-uh!
-Ugh.
'Orse.
Huh. Huh-huh-huh-horse.
Oh. Laughing 'orse.
Thank you.
-Absolute filth!
-
Oh, thanking you kindly.
Oh! I do not like
where this is going.
-Morning.
-Morning,
-Hi, Alison.
-Back to the grindstone.
-Yeah.
-Which reminds me,
we found this grindstone.
14th century.
Honestly, your cellar
is literally a gold mine.
-When you say literally?
-Archaeologically speaking.
Ah, yeah.
Here we go, then.
Oh, push it!
-Well?
-Two minutes, 30.
Same as Well, always.
I mean, it's always
two minutes, 30.
Blast!
-Well, keep at it.
-Hmm.
Maybe I need to try
some new stretches or something?
Yeah. Or maybe you
can't really get any faster,
you know,
because you can't build muscle,
what with you being
And I mean this with
all the love in the world,
We didn't win the war
with attitudes like that,
-No.
-No!
Right. I'm going to go
and stretch my hams.
ALISON: Well, I mean,
they won't stretch,
He's dead.
-I'm dead.
-Yeah, you're dead, yeah.
-You'll be dead soon.
-What?
Sorry.
ARCHAEOLOGIST: Right.
Hard to be conclusive
about cause of death,
but, er, well, it's gonna be
plague, isn't it?
From the pelvis, I'd say female.
-30 to 40.
-
Down, down.
Bowed right femur.
Probable limp.
- The winner!
Evidence of extensive syphilis.
No, no, not that bit.
Same as the male
from yesterday.
-Geoff!
-What?
Someone's been a naughty boy!
-Hiya!
-
-Hello, stranger.
-Forgot to say,
that, erm, we've got
a photographer coming today
to take a picture
for our brochure.
-Oh, for the hotel?
-Erm
No, we
We ran out of money,
This.
So we're thinking
of trying to use
some of the big rooms
for functions,
weddings, you know, erm
-Nice.
-Which will be nice, yeah.
Er, yeah,
and we need to get
so do you think
you could move your van?
Well, I could, but
Yes, great, thank you.
-Any end in sight?
-Er, yeah, nearly there.
Few more days.
Sorry it's taken so long.
There's just so much history
on this site.
Honestly, if these bones
could talk.
Yeah, well,
that would save us all
a lot of hassle, wouldn't it?
But then, who'd believe you?
-
Oh-hoo!
So, the aim
is to turn it into a venue.
A venue for what?
Er, well, you know, weddings,
parties, Bar Mitzvahs.
Girl Mitzvahs.
-Bat Mitzvahs.
For bats?
-What?
-Huh?
Erm, we need it to look nice,
so if you could
avoid the bad bits.
-Well, just find the best angle.
Yeah, I mean, we know that
the camera never lies,
but if it could not
tell the whole truth,
then that would be
very handy for us.
-I'll see what I can do.
-Great.
There's simply
not enough space
to do the whole roof!
Er
It's the 3rd Earl of Wimborne.
-Okay.
-
I'm not sure Impressions Club's
going to work, is it?
Well, let's not be too hasty.
No one's heard
my Nelson Mandela.
-Outrageous!
-Haven't done it yet.
No, no, no, no!
Alison, get the tradesman
off the lawn!
-Snap-snap!
-Erm, Rory, can we try
-This way?
-Yeah, just
All the way off the lawn!
-A little bit
-Yeah.
Both feet!
-Yeah. And more
-Hurry up!
And just That's perfect.
-Here?
-Yeah.
Whatever happened to standards?
Absolutely.
Mustn't let things slide.
All it takes is a little
-effort.
Ugh! Look at this evil old
-Isn't that
-Oh, no.
MIKE: She's everywhere.
Look, and there!
-Where'd you get that?
-Over there.
-Did you know this happens?
-I had no idea.
If indeed that is me,
she looks at least
20 years older.
-How come she can be seen?
Perhaps it's only
if you're grumpy.
-Ah!
-Or ugly.
Well, her photo's
all over Facebook now,
so we can say goodbye
to doing events.
No one wants
a haunted wedding.
No one will know.
Look, it's only one window,
and he doesn't say where it is.
-ALISON: Hmm.
Okay, but does anybody
actually read the comments?
JUSTIN: Gah! Just look at them.
Gullible cretins!
I mean, what sort of moron
believes in ghosts?
You are a ghost.
Well, yeah, but, you know,
before I became one,
you wouldn't have
caught me believing
in this sort of nonsense.
ALISON: I'm gonna
go and talk to them.
MIKE: And say what?
That there's no such thing
as ghosts.
Yeah, you tell 'em.
Bloody weirdos!
Hi, hi. I'm Alison
and I own the house.
-Erm
-
I do!
Look, I know why you're here,
but I can assure you that
there are no ghosts Ghost.
There is no ghost.
I know that it looks like
a very spooky, old house,
but there's nothing creepy
going on here, actually.
-Hi, Alison.
-Could you open the gate?
Really? Now?
Well, you made us move the van.
Yeah.
-MAN: Is that the Grey Lady?
-
Obviously,
I know how that looks,
but that is unrelated
to the ghosts Ghost!
Erm, look, the photo is a fake,
and I'd really appreciate it
if you could all
just go home, please,
and not go spreading
any rumours or
-Well, that worked.
-Hmm.
So you're a paranormal expert?
Yes, indeed, I am
a paranormal podder,
blogger, vlogger and psogger.
Sogger?
It's a psychic blogger.
The P's silent.
Oh, eh, oh, we on TV.
We're on TV!
Oh, we're on TV.
Oh, come, come see,
look, huh, see, look.
-Some very fascinating spirits,
erm, and there's lots of
emanations coming from
coming from this house
Sorry, what was that, Tony?
That's my guide. Tony.
Yeah, no, he was just saying
that something bad
happened here
MIKE:
We are all over Twitter.
"Man, this pic
has me bricking it.
"That ghost be one scary-ass"
Is she in the room?
BOTH: Yes.
Well, it doesn't say "lady".
It's just a pity the owners
because the opportunity
to study this kind of
is so valuable.
How valuable?
Let's find out.
Hi Hi Hello!
Hi, yeah, I'm Mike,
I live here and
-I do!
-MAN: If you say so.
Er, anyway, my wife
might have been a bit hasty
with some of the stuff
she said earlier.
So, well,
let me put something to you.
And you just
get to be yourselves
without me telling you not to,
so go full ghost.
Julian, just shove
anything you like.
Robin, just go crazy
with the lights.
Mary, lot of weird
burning smells.
And a few Fanny pictures.
-Oh, can I play?
-Oh, yes!
Teamwork makes the team work.
-No
-No, speak for yourselves.
Personally, I don't want
a bunch of misfits
poking around
in every corner,
keeping us up at night
with their probes
and their machines
-Capt Captain
-Yeah?
It It's actually just
these four I really need.
No offence.
But, haunting-wise,
you don't really
have much to offer.
No. That's fine, actually, er,
because I'm, er
I'm busy with something.
-So, thank you.
-Mmm-hmm.
Sorry, guys.
No.
I wish there were
something I could do
to assist fair Alison.
Yeah, the irony, eh?
I had so many skills in life,
knot-tying, tent-pitching,
archery
-Oh, no, well
-ALISON: And Mike has this
No Sugar,
I'm Sweet Enough mug
that I would really love
to meet with an accident,
-so if you could just
suddenly push it
-erm
-And what's in it for me?
Well, there's not really much
that I can
-A smartphone.
-What?
There was a review
in Robin's paper
for an application
which allows you
to play golf
with a single finger
on a smartphone.
But they're hundreds of pounds.
Well, if you don't
want my help.
Are you trying to
blackmail me?
With respect, I think
the real issue here is
Er Oh, I'm not
on Newsnight now, am I?
Yeah, it's blackmail.
Oh, come on, Julian,
everyone else
is willing to help.
Alison, I'm not
willing to help.
The smell of burnings, erm,
reminds me of being tied
And for that reason, I'm out.
Hmm!
-JULIAN: The offer stands.
And I will not
be paraded about
like some Parisian concubine.
Yes, she no porcupine.
Uh! And me no sideshow freak.
-Actually, Robin,
having been to a sideshow,
you're exactly like
No, no, nothing.
Guy Guys
And boom!
We have paying guests.
Ghost night is on!
Slight problem.
No ghosts.
MIKE: Welcome to Button House.
ALISON: Hi.
-Hello.
-MIKE: Just through there.
So what do we do?
I promised them stuff
moving on its own
and weird smells
and lights going off
They have gone on strike.
I mean,
-what do you want me to do?
-I don't know.
-You're the ghost expert.
-Hmm.
You're a ghost expert.
You know how they operate.
So can't we just
fahhk uht?
-Eh?
-Fake it.
-No.
No, that's completely immoral.
We can't just rip people off.
I mean, what,
they've paid, like
200 quid each.
Although, yeah,
okay, thinking about it
It is a real
haunted house,
so it's only, like,
a white lie.
We have to con them,
-because it's the right
thing to do.
Okay.
Hmm!
-Nice to see you,
to see you
It's like he's in the room.
Gentlemen,
there is an invasion afoot.
Despite expressly
forbidding it,
she has just
opened up the border
and let them all in.
The place is awash
with eccentrics and fantasists.
Uh-uh. No way, Jose.
We told her
we weren't playing ball.
Yes, there be
nothing to see.
-Slash smells.
-CAPTAIN: No, no.
They are planning
on faking it all.
Pretending that
there are ghosts.
I mean, it makes a mockery
of our very existence.
But these people came here
for a glimpse of Fanny.
Yes, and they can
hardly fake that.
Well, that's it.
Well, they still need you.
Of course! Come on.
We shall have to find you
a place to hide.
-Let's go. Come along.
-Come on, ape.
We're putting a stop to this.
I didn't die
to let someone else
fake the skills
I've honed in death
without giving me
a smartphone.
What?
And I'll I'll stays here
and watch
this wall.
Hmm.
-MIKE: Oh, yeah,
this part of the house
has a lot of
paranormal activity.
Oh, how exciting!
-I hope we see some.
-Kitty, I think we are some.
WOMAN: Check, one, two.
Check. Check.
KITTY:
Stick together, everyone!
WOMAN: One, two, two, two.
Pop into Pagham
to purchase a pig.
Okay. It's 21:07.
Recording in zone four
for EVP.
-What?
-Electronic voice phenomena.
It picks up vocal frequencies
of discarnate entities.
Ghosts, Danni,
the voices of ghosts.
-Right, proceed to zone three.
-Er
The kitchen, Danni.
Check your map.
-Did you hear that?
-What?
That thing there
picks up ghosts' voices.
Maybe we can help
after all!
-Help Alison?
-Yeah.
Speak into that microphone,
and we can prove
that this house is haunted.
What would we say?
Erm
Hello, and, erm,
welcome to Button Hou
Oh! Welcome to Button FM!
I'm Pat Butcher.
Bou-bou-bou-bou-bou!
The greatest DJ
in the area
And joining me this week
is renowned poet
Thomas Thorne!
How are you, Thomas?
Thomas, we're on the air.
And we'll be right back
with Thomas
after this song from
local band Chicken & Chips.
It's called
Where's The Cream?
Greetings,
my apparition apostles.
The Ghostmaster General here,
on the hunt in the kitchen
of Button House,
where restless spirits
are said to
Turn the light off.
Was that it?
Well, yeah,
but it's, like, really spooky,
'cause it's when you
least expect it
usually.
-Robin!
-Oh, it not me.
Ooh, clever!
Oh, well, why don't you
sleep with her, then?
GEOFF: Sweetheart,
we've talked about this.
Two can play at that game.
Hoo!
-
-Oh!
Hey! Who the daddy?
Who the daddy? I'm Daddy.
-
-
-MAN: Oh, God!
Things are kicking off
here, guys.
This is getting pretty spooky.
Oh, yes, that's really
thrown them off the scent.
Oh
No.
Okay, ease down. Ease down.
It's over, isn't it?
It's over.
Do you want some milk?
-Do you Do you want
a glass of milk?
Oh, that really
freaked them out.
Right, then, to the ballroom.
Well, we know
where they're not.
Come on, Fanny,
down you go.
But it's cold
and damp down there.
You can't feel the cold.
Huh.
Or can we?
Yes, cool the muscles,
improve performance.
A little night air
might just give me the edge.
And of course
your poetry rhymes,
which is A, harder,
and B, shows
you have a real passion
for the English language.
Is that fair to say?
Yes.
And we'll be back with Thomas
after these advertisements.
Buy cheese.
Please.
Louise.
Buy Louise's Pleasing Cheese,
made from only
the freshest Jersey milk,
lovingly thumbed
from our all Friesian herd
And we have
a lot of poltergeist
But that's where I live.
Oh, we also have
a smelltergeist,
smell-tergeist.
We're overrun.
ALISON:
If you just step this way.
-Do you smell that?
-Yes, yes, I smell it.
-Crafty cow.
Smells like fire,
but there is no fire.
-Apart from that one.
-
Oh, come on.
-GHOST HUNTER: Do you think
we should leave this?
I mean, that wasn't what
Okay.
We'll come back to that.
Now, anyway,
back to the
Where?
- Wait.
There it is now.
Don't let it eat me!
-Wow!
-
I hope you guys
are seeing this.
This is the real deal.
-MAN: It's moving again.
Evening.
Just resting my finger
against this mug.
-
Whoa-ho-ho!
Did you see that?
What the
-PARANORMAL EXPERT: Wow, er
-Oh, yeah.
That's really shaken me up,
actually, guys. Erm
I'm gonna have to sit down.
-Not ideal.
-And are these kinetic episodes
related to the full-body
apparition?
The Grey Lady, Danni.
Well, I mean,
she can be a bit elusive,
but, er, fingers crossed.
WOMAN: This is another room
said to be haunted
Oh, no, not again!
Hi, I'm back.
Sorry, I just had to
take a minute to, er
Oh, what's that?
What was that?
What was that?
Right, I can smell burning.
-Er, oh, that is so weird.
-
Right, I'm freaking out.
I'm freaking out.
I'm going to have to
get out of here.
-I need some air.
-
MARY: What was that?
PLAGUE GHOST:
What is that made out of?
-Sack?
-Silk.
Silk. And I have said,
"Don't touch."
What's holding your hair?
Oh, Walter, put her down.
She's old enough
to be your mother.
I beg your pardon!
-She looks like my mother.
-I resent that.
Except the teeth.
My mum had nicer teeth.
Can I come out yet? Please!
There. Start my lap
on the hour chime,
and who needs a stopwatch?
Yeah, touch of night air
on the old calves,
I should beat the pants off
my two minutes, 30.
Isn't that right, boy?
Oh, what do you know?
Right, here goes.
-Ah! Bracing!
-So, this Grey Lady
-Yep, yeah, er, be patient.
Biscuit?
Ah, I'll just be a sec.
Any sign?
No, I can't find her anywhere.
Okay, so what are we
going to do?
'Cause I promised these people
a Grey Lady ghost.
-Why did you do that?
-'Cause we've got one.
I think I've got an idea.
I just need to buy some time.
-Uh-huh.
-Okay.
JULIAN:
No, the poltergeist was me.
There aren't ghosts
that haunt ghosts.
-There no ghost-ghost.
-I know what I almost saw.
Still want that phone?
I need another burst
of that poltergeist act,
just while I sort
something out.
So what do you say?
Wanna play a few holes?
Oh, looks so good!
There's some sweet greens.
Okay, I'm in.
-Yes!
-Oi!
-Uh-uh-uh.
-Great!
Now, you see that mug?
JULIAN: Yeah.
ALISON:
The second he puts it down,
-do your worst.
-All right.
The housemaid's leg
was Gwendoline
and the lusty dog
was I.
Yet another poem
from Thomas Thorne there.
And apologies
for those still waiting
Right, let's see
what we've got.
Join me next week
when my guests will be
Sheena Easton
and Dudley Moore!
The kitchen, Danni.
Check your map.
-Here we go.
-Fame at last.
Nah. Nothing.
Thought as much.
There's no energy here.
With experience,
you can feel it.
You can't learn
that sort of thing.
it's a gift, a calling.
Come on.
You were great, mate.
You have a slightly
grating register
and a tendency to gabble.
Something to work on.
Right. On your marks,
get set, and
CAPTAIN: For King and country!
FANNY: Yes, yes.
I'll be sure to visit again
very soon.
Hideous creatures!
Couldn't take another minute.
-
There's a real sense
there could quite literally
be a ghost
around every corner.
I mean, if I just pan around,
you get some idea
of the sheer size
Oh, no!
Fanny's exposed!
But, sadly, no Grey Lady.
-Two, 29.
Shaved off a second.
-Well done, Cap.
-I knew it!
It's the cold air, you see.
I've still got it.
In my bally prime.
Two minutes, 30, weren't it?
-Slower, if anything.
Oh.
The Grey Lady!
There's freefloa
In zone, erm
There's a ghost upstairs!
-Right. Come on!
-Okay.
The ghost-ghost.
Guys, there you are.
I think I just saw
a ghost in there.
I really am
I'm sorry again for
Sorry.
You'll be hearing
from my lawyer
I really am sorry again.
For exploiting people
just because
they're open-minded enough
to accept the possibility
that there might just be
such a thing as ghosts?
Because, let me tell you,
there are spirits
all around us.
I just hope one day
you come to embrace them.
At least.
That must be galling.
Oh, eh! Er, ghouling!
-No.
-Come on!
-Doesn't really work, mate.
-No, come on!
It's already up on the blogs.
Huh-huh-hoax.
-Well, back to weddings, then.
-Off!
Off the lawn!
-Off the lawn!
-Now she does it.
Off the lawn!
Off the lawn! Off the lawn!
Er, Alison,
this has stopped working.
It's saying, "credit warning,"
something about
in-app purchases,
spending limits,
blah-blah-blah.
-180 quid?
-Well, yeah.
I had to buy some new clubs.
In golf, you have to keep up
with the latest technology.
Oh, you didn't even
do the mug.
Oh, yeah. Sorry.
-
There.
Now, I give you
my Nelson Mandela.
ALISON:
Oh, no, no, Julian, no.