Ghosts (2019) s02e07 Episode Script

1
This House, at times, can feel somewhat
detached from the outside world.
So let me remind you all
that Christmas is approaching.
ALL: Yeah.
- And you know, it struck me,
as I said goodbye to my wife
yesterday to come here,
that this proposed bill and Christmas
have a lot in common.
They're both about my
three favorite words, actually.
And those words are,
family, family
(PEOPLE CLAMORING)
Your wife's on the phone.
- My what?
- Your wife.
My wife? Ah!
I spoke to her just yesterday!
Sorry chaps,
it's just this woman from my wedding.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Hello, dearest.
(BABY CRYING)
God. Sorry, I can't hear
a word you're saying, darling.
It's a terrible line.
Oh, oh that's the baby, is it?
(INDISTINCT)
What? Oh no, sorry darling.
I won't be coming home tonight I'm afraid.
I know. Or tomorrow.
I know.
Well, I'm heartbroken too, darling.
Yes, I know, but the truth is, darling
Something's just come up.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
What's he doing now?
Yes! He's doing spuds in beef dripping!
(CHUCKLES)
He knows his onions.
Potatoes.
ALISON: Are you ready for this?
MIKE: Hell yeah!
- Here she comes!
ALISON: I should warn you, it's very sexy.
Sexy?
Merry Christmas Eve!
Honk! Cling!
Aw Mike, that's not very Christmassy!
- It's got a reindeer on it?
- I think you look wonderful, Alison.
- You look like a firework!
- Aw, thanks guys!
The ghosts are here are they? I get it.
Admiring the master at work, yeah?
He's burnt the custard. Twice.
And he's washed all the flavor
out of the turnips as well.
MIKE: I'm a kitchen wizard!
- Yeah, kind of.
This Christmas is gonna be so perfect
it's gonna be like an advert for Christmas.
Look at my Christmas master plan!
MIKE: It's amazing, right?
(GASPS)
It's all planned out,
so my mum and dad can relax.
You know what they're like.
Always trying to do everything.
- Not this time.
- Excellent planning, Michael.
Oh the things
I could've done with a whiteboard.
JULIAN: Ah, humbugs.
Not a fan of Christmas, Julian?
Hm? No, just saying
there's a jar of humbugs here.
- Oh.
- Also, I'm not a fan of Christmas.
ALISON: Really?
- Well it's just not the same when you're dead.
Can't drink booze. Can't flirt with the fillies
at the office Christmas party.
If you can't do that, what's the point?
Going to my room.
Wake me up when it's all over.
I suppose he does have a point.
Don't get me wrong, you know,
I still get a tingle in me dingle on Christmas Eve,
but, erm, it is hard,
with the memories of what you had.
I can't recall the last time
I heard the King's/Queen's Speech.
I miss playing games
with my boy and the nephews.
- Buckaroo, Boggle, Yahtzee, Kerplunk!
- Why are you talking gibberish?
I miss the mistletoe!
- Will these lips ever be kissed again?
- Mm.
I miss presents.
We used to open them in the morning,
and then after lunch
my sister would come into my room
and pick the ones that she wanted.
All this fuss, and for what?
This whole Christmas thing is just a fad.
It's been 2,000 years, Robin!
Exactly. And in mere 2,000 more,
it be something else.
The whole thing is just a What is phrase?
- Flash in the pan.
- Passive obsession.
Trust me, it never catch on. Never.
Well hold on,
this year can be different. I'm here!
- We can have the best Christmas!
- Yes!
Which reminds me,
got to add something to the board.
(GASPS)
Carole's coming?
Oh, no. No, Pat. Not, not your wife.
I meant a Christmas carol. I'd like to sing one.
Maybe around the piano.
And your family can join in if they wanna
Oh, I don't reckon they will.
They're not really carol-y.
- Well, we can ask.
- They won't want to.
- Ah, yeah, we can ask.
- Yeah, they won't want to.
(HORN HONKS)
Ah, they're here!
- Great, let's ask them!
- Yeah, they won't want to.
- Hi, Mum.
- There he is! My little prince!
Ooh, ooh, Mum!
Alison, may I say, you've made
a wonderful start to the decorations this year.
- Oh, thank you.
- It will look even better once the tree goes up.
What? We've had this up for like two weeks?
That? No, no, no.
That is a bush! I mean a real tree!
- So strong. Crushing my bones!
- Leila! Happy Christmas!
- Happy Christmas!
- Oh, Alison, merry Christmas!
- Mum, I can't breathe.
- Hi, Alison!
Angela. Oh, look! Hello Nancy!
Oh, a baby. Oh! It looked at me!
Oh yes, yes, babies do sees us sometimes,
till they be walkers usually.
Oh, this one has the sight, yeah.
I'm going a bit crazy. She just won't sleep!
- Oh, poor you! Come here.
- Thank you so much.
Mum! What's Dad doing?
I told him not to bring anything!
Oh, it's just a few side dishes, sweetie.
Beef? I've got the beef. Beef isn't a side!
Side of beef is.
(LAUGHS)
ALISON: Thought we'd put you in here.
Hello? Nobody told me I was hosting
(BABY CRYING)
Ah! Baby! Hey now!
Oh, my God, you could get lost in this place.
- Why's she bringing that in here?
- Yeah, Mike actually still does.
No, no. Room rules. No babies.
No way, Jose. This is a non-baby enclave.
- This is the perfect room for the baby
JULIAN: A no toddler territory.
- 'cause it's the warmest room in the house.
JULIAN: I know it's warm!
- And the monitor signal will reach to the kitchen.
JULIAN: I wear no trousers.
- Thanks, Ally, you're a star.
- This is a baby free--
- Shut up.
- Hmm?
Gosh, shut up, I'm not a star.
Just doing what anyone else would do.
I just really hope you get some rest.
ANGELA: We've tried everything
to help her sleep.
I'm doing self-soothing now.
You just have to leave them to cry for a bit.
- What?
ALISON: Must be extra hard without Steve.
Well, I'm used to it. He's gotta work
Oh yeah, working on his hangover more like.
Been there, seen that, got a t-shirt, love.
You know what it's like
for paramedics this time of year.
- Hmm.
- Ah!
Hmm.
(BABY CRYING)
But, you've left the baby!
What now? I told you I'm in Brussels, darling!
Baby's still in the crying phase, is it?
I'm just, you know, at a restaurant.
Hmm? Well, I'm having
some delicious monte-frites!
WOMAN: What are you drinking?
- A crisp Sancerre. What is this, Question Time?
Look, I know, darling,
I'm sorry to be missing Christmas again, too,
but I promise you, once I've signed this treaty,
you'll never have to hear the words
European Union ever again.
Sorry darling, I can't hear you
over that baby crying.
- What did you say?
- The crying baby!
(BABY CRYING)
Help.
Somebody help me!
You brought your own sponges?
Since when did you clean up after yourself?
Since I became a grown man.
What is he? Oh, my! Dad!
How are you washing cups?
There were no dirty cups.
There were in the cupboard.
Mike! Have you got a pen? I just need to put
"Mike loses his temper"
in between lunch and pudding.
Nah, nah, nah, move, man!
The bullet board is for me only.
Nobody else tou Mum!
The sprouts are peeled! Stop!
Just a few more layers, darling.
Right. Everyone. Out!
Come, let's go, you first, out of the kitchen!
- Please, Mum, apron.
- All right. All right.
- Dad, put the sponge down, let's go! Come on!
- Okay.
- Thank you. All right. See you later. Bye.
- Just trying to help.
Oh, my days.
- That's better. I hope you don't mind Alison!
- Oh.
Just in case you're hiding
any handsome men in the house.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
You'd be lucky.
- The sort of it.
CAPTAIN: Come along, Patrick.
PATRICK: Right. What do you reckon?
Christmas pudding, or yule log?
ANGELA: Where's Mike?
LEILA: Oh, he's trying not to burn stuff.
Is he doing the Incredible Sulk yet?
No, but I reckon
he's gonna go early this year.
You still got the one from last year?
Are you kidding?
I made a remix. Look, check it out.
I don't want to wear a stupid elf's costume,
I look a lime!
(LAUGHING)
- I'm not going to wear it, no!
- Mike's stupid, isn't he?
Guys, I told you to relax!
Dad I was going to do the fire.
KITTY: Here he comes girls! Silly lime man.
ERROL: Okay.
MIKE: Thank you.
(GASPS)
Sorry, still gets me.
Hey, Mike. I was thinking, wouldn't it be nice
to get a bigger Christmas tree up in the house?
It was tradition
BOTH: To chop the tree down from the grounds
and bring it in on Christmas Eve.
MIKE: Right.
Oh. Oh. Yeah. Sure.
I could do with some fresh air.
- Or I can do that for you.
- No! No, you sit. Sit!
Stay!
ROBIN: Me good boy.
Why can't they relax?
And I seem to remember
we planted at least 50 saplings,
so they should have
matured quite nicely by now.
(ALL GASP)
You've gotta be kidding me.
Well, it has been quite some time.
PAT: Better get cracking mate.
It's not gonna chop itself down.
Now, Michael, with a shaft of this girth,
the trick is firm blows.
(CHAINSAW WHIRRS)
(ALL GASP)
What's happening?
Everybody! Get behind Michael!
KITTY: Don't let it eat me!
Don't mind, do you? I thought it'd be quicker.
- Where'd you get that?
- The car.
(BABY CRYING)
JULIAN: I've got something to cheer you up.
Coochie, coochie, coo!
- Peekaboo!
- Stop crying.
Shush now! This is supposed to be fun.
I'm here!
(GASPS)
Mary, there you are.
I need your help. You're a nanny,
or you look like a nanny, or you're a woman.
I don't know! Err, do something!
Aw! You just want your nyilkies!
- Her what now?
- Nyilkies.
- Oh, good God! Oh, good God. No!
- Come on then, it's only mil
A false teat? Oh, she be a quack!
No. Mary! Come back! Mary, don't leave me!
- Ow, it's on my foot, Dad!
- Leave some of that work to me.
- All right, let go, let go.
ERROL: Got it.
Oh, yeah, tree in living room.
Oh, that make sense.
- Looks good?
- Oh no, that won't do!
It could do with a bit of cheering up.
FANNY: There should
be some decorations in the attic.
I think there might be some
traditional decorations up in the attic.
- I can do that,
- No. Dad, please.
It's no problem. It's fine. I'll do it.
Please just go and relax with Mum by the
Ah, where's Mum?
She said she should
be doing something useful,
so I said Mike's got tons
of ironing that needs doing.
Oh, not again, my tracksuits!
Right, that is it, I need everyone to
Christmas has come early,
the Incredible Sulk is here.
(LAUGHING)
No. No. No. No he's not, actually.
Cos he's not coming this year. So
I was just thinking,
that it's a busy day tomorrow,
so if everyone would like to go to bed,
I think that would be a good idea.
Please. We're going to bed aren't we, Alison?
- Oh, yeah, okay.
- Yeah?
- Oh, okay, yeah.
- Mmm. Yeah!
- Going to bed.
- Yeah.
KITTY: Kitty's going to bed too.
CAPTAIN: Might grab an early night. Excellent.
- I might just stay.
What about the tree? What about the tree?
(SIGHS)
THOMAS: "'Twas the night
before Christmas,
- when all through the house
LEILA: Good night, guys.
BETTY: Sleep well.
ANGELA: See you in the morning.
THOMAS:not a creature was stirring.
- Not even a mouse.
LEILA: Where is my bedroom?
THOMAS: The stockings were hung
by the chimney with care,
- In the hopes that Saint Ni"
- I think, that's lovely, Thomas,
- but I think I'm gonna get some sleep now.
- Okay.
- I'll see you tomorrow.
- You certainly will. Tomorrow.
Yes I will. Tomorrow.
Oh, you will. Tomorrow.
- Okay.
- Is it Christmas yet?
- No! Kitty, go to sleep.
Somewhere else,
or there won't be a present tomorrow.
(GASPS)
- Ghost stuff?
- Yeah. Coping, though.
- How are you doing?
- They are unbelievable.
I'm a grown man, but they still
treat me like I'm nine for no reason.
(HUMMING)
ALISON: What's that?
Oh that'll be my mum with my pillowcase
full of pants and deodorant.
She's not coming in here is she?
Yeah, yeah, yep. Pretend to be asleep.
Oh, my God! She's actually coming in!
(MIKE SNORING)
(MIKE HUMS)
Wow!
- Yes! Get in! Love these!
- That's where you get your horrible pants.
What? Autumn Blast?
They know I'm an Arctic Forest guy.
Oh!
(COUGHS)
- Is it Christmas yet?
- No!
(BABY CRYING)
I can't cope anymore.
You can't cope? It's all right for you.
You wanted this room.
I didn't ask for any of this.
I had this thrust upon me.
I know darling, I know.
(WHISPERS) She stopped.
Put her down.
Gently. Gently.
Back away. Yeah.
(TOY SQUEAKS)
(BABY CRYING)
That's it! I'm done!
I'm taking the Jag for a drive.
Well Happy Christmas to me!
JULIAN: I am literally in the fridge.
How can I still hear it?
(SCREAMS)
No I won't be there I'm afraid, darling,
far too busy in Brussels.
- Shut up!
- I know it's Christmas, darling,
but these oil deals
don't do themselves, you know?
Do you think I want to spend Christmas
at Colonel Gaddafi's palace?
Family! Family! This Baby
(SCREAMS)
Family! Family! Family!
(SCREAMING)
(SOBBING)
(YELLS IN EXCITEMENT)
It's Christmas!
- Like that?
- (CHUCKLES) Yeah. Just like that.
It's amazing.
(CORK POPS)
Happy Christmas, everyone.
BETTY: Happy Christmas.
- Whoa, champagne!
Lord of the manor, yeah? Nice creases.
- Don't.
- Come on, darling.
- Merry Kissmass everyone! Christmas!
- Happy Christmas!
Oh, carols! I was gonna say, actually
Oh, I know right, boring!
That's better.
Carols are so mournful aren't they?
- Yeah. (INDISTINCT)
ANGELA: Merry Christmas, everyone!
(ALL CHEER)
Did you sleep?
Ha! Who needs sleep? It's Christmas!
Oh? It made it till morning.
That's nice, most surprising.
BETTY: Right then! Presents!
CAPTAIN: Now, what could this be?
- I bet it's socks!
ROBIN: I bet it sucks.
- Hey, hey!
CAPTAIN: Ah, well done, Patrick.
- I love 'em.
- He not love 'em. He hate them.
- Mike, I'm just gonna, you know.
- Oh, sure, go. I got this.
Oh, it's the gifts!
No! No, no, no. Please wait! Alison!
PAT: Stand aside.
THOMAS: Alison!
It's all right, I can wait.
Mike! Your big one from us.
- You're kidding.
- Merry Christmas, Kitty!
I love it!
I thought it looked like Button House.
It does! It's lovely, thank you.
Now, I know that you can't touch it,
- erm, but basically
- Oh, my God!
- It's Twister! It's Twister!
- Yeah.
Oh, it's amazing, Alison, thank you!
PAT: Oh you guys are gonna love this!
It's so funny.
Now lay it out flat,
else you're gonna break your ankles.
- Hi, Thomas.
- Alison!
(SIGHS)
Damnation!
ANGELA: Oh, Ally, look.
Do you like what we got Mike?
- So good!
- You look great.
(ALL LAUGHING)
I look ridiculous. I hate it.
Finally someone tell the truth.
It look like a dumb animal.
Well done, Kitty. Now! Mary, left foot green!
PAT; Captain, do you wanna join in?
- No, no, I couldn't possibly
- Oh, it's Christmas!
- No, no, no. I know.
- Oh come on, Cap.
- No, no, oh. Okay, all right, I will!
- How do we go?
- Okay.
- Left hand on red.
- Right.
Coming in. Look at that,
supple as the day I died.
PAT: How about you, Thomas?
- I'm occupied, thank you.
No, he doesn't have
the physical discipline for twist-it.
- No, he's afraid he'll lose.
- Balderdash!
I'd thrash you all at twist-it then run a mile!
(CLAMORING)
Fine, fine, fine! I'll prove it!
Yay!
BETTY: Pass the sprouts, darling.
Beef's nearly done.
(CHUCKLES)
- Where's Mum and Dad now?
- Kitchen.
Oh, what are they doing?
Let's try to put you down.
Wish me luck everyone.
LEILA: Good luck.
ALISON: Good luck.
Ah, Alison!
Did you see if the decorations are in the attic?
(SIGHS)
Oh! Sorry, I forgot.
(INDISTINCT CLAMORING)
Let me just see to that!
Right. No, no, no, that's fine!
But you're not here.
What's all this racket, guys?
You're supposed to be having fun.
PAT: That's what I said.
THOMAS: (MUFFLED) Alison!
They're taking it too seriously, Alison.
They're not even letting the girls play!
- Come off it, Pat.
- No, you come off it. It's not bloody on.
- Pat?
- No, I've had enough.
THOMAS: (MUFFLED) Alison!
- I'm going to the shed to drink a Watneys.
I'm not!
- Twister's going well then?
CAPTAIN: Yes, I've got him on a run.
Nearly time for the King's speech!
- I've just gotta get some decorations.
THOMAS: No!
- I'll meet you up there.
- Roger that.
- No.
- Victory this day!
- Alison.
CAPTAIN: Completely razzled.
(PANTING)
Too late.
(BABY CRYING)
Oh you've got to be joking, I'd just dropped off!
This baby just will not sleep.
That's it! You're driving us
both bloody batty, do you know that?
- We want our business.
- Are you hungry?
Oh, she doesn't know
what she wants, Angela!
She's a moaning Minnie!
That's what she is!
"Oh, I done a poo.
I need my nappy changing, I can't do it myself."
Oh, really? How very convenient.
You know, you're acting like a complete baby!
Do you know that?
I mean you are a baby, but that's not the point!
You stopped crying. Erm, okay, what was it?
Was it the Parliament Point? No? Erm
Was it the Newsnight thumbs?
(BABY COOING)
It was?
Do you like the Newsnight thumbs little one?
(CHUCKLES)
Well, I never. Angela
No, no. Shh! Let Mummy sleep.
She needs her rest.
Here's the thumbs again!
"Hello, my name's Thumby."
"Hello, my name's, er, Bummy."
It's the Thumby and Bummy show.
Let us tell you a story.
The story of the politician who cared too much.
(CHUCKLES)
JULIAN: Once upon a time, little one,
there was a man who
wasn't afraid to speak his mind.
(SNORING)
Even when the PC brigade came marching in.
- Oh, I can't believe I found the decorations.
- Ah!
I appreciate this, Alison.
The monarch is our bellwether,
the nation's barometer, if you will.
It is vital that we listen to what
they have to say at Christmas.
Hello, what's going on?
I thought you were
gonna turn on the wireless!
- Oh, no, it's all televised now!
- What?
WOMAN: (ON TV)if you had
said to me at the beginning of the year
Good Lord. No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait.
It's like I'm in her actual drawing room.
I thought this was what you wanted?
Well, yes. But no! I mean, this is unseemly.
I can see her posy!
No, no, no, this is very inappropriate, Alison.
An officer and a gentleman
should not be privy
to the color and thickness
of the Queen's curtains!
I can't look.
- Alison, at last! Is it time?
- Yes. It is time.
(WHISPERS) I just hope
it lives up to expectations.
I'm sure it will.
ERROL: Mm.
- What? No!
Take it down! Take it down!
MIKE: Okay, everyone,
Christmas dinner is served!
ERROL: Ah, she's up!
- Oh, my God, that's what sleep feels like!
Are you bringing Nancy down?
ANGELA: Well now she starts to cry
if I try and take her out of the room.
Babies. Nuts.
ERROL: Who's for beef?
MIKE: Dad, I'm carving?
All right, serve yourselves, everyone!
This looks great, Mum.
- This looks great, thank you.
- Thanks, Mum.
These sprouts look good, Mike.
- Nothing to do with me!
- Yeah, that was Mum as well.
Did you do any of this, Mike?
Okay. Mm.
You know what? I won't ever bother again!
Okay? Yeah, film it. Film it. Okay, film it.
Yeah. You treat me like a kid,
I'll act like one! Why is that?
I just wanted to be in charge for once!
Okay? So that you guys can relax. Yeah?
Oh, good luck, Mike, 'cause Dad's
in the woods chopping trees down. Okay?
Your Mum's ironing your tracksuits!
Carving the beef you brought!
That's not a side dish! It's not a side!
(LAUGHING)
Whoa, this year's a classic.
Yeah! Make the most of it!
Yeah, make the most of it!
Because this is the last time
I try and do anything for you ever again.
Okay? Yeah!
(GROWLS)
- My God!
- Great, yeah, I'll be in my room.
- MIKE: Can't get it off.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
that was the Incredible Sulk.
- I'll just get
- It's okay.
I better go.
BETTY: You two are so awful to him.
ANGELA: Honestly, he brings it on himself.
CAPTAIN: I could see absolutely everything.
It was an intrusion! I mean, what's next?
Taking pictures of them on holiday
I should imagine? World's gone mad.
At least you got your Christmas wishes.
Yes, I don't even know why I bothered asking.
It was never going to be the same.
I actually quite liked my present,
but I suppose it's a shame
that I can't really do anything with it.
It's all holly-tinted spectacles, Kitty.
You think it's fun, but it's not.
The games always
ended up with the boys arguing
and me drinking Watneys in the shed.
Oh let's face it,
family Christmases suck eggs!
It's supposed to suck eggs, Pat.
I had a daughter, you know.
She was only four years old when I died
yet I managed to miss
every single Christmas with her.
I missed them all.
Missed the crying,
the screaming, the sleepless nights.
I thought I was so clever avoiding all that.
But now I realize, it's all part of it.
JULIAN: Your family's supposed
to drive you bonkers at Christmas.
The tree's never straight.
The parlor games are never
as hilarious as they were last year.
Someone always gives you a duff present.
You always end up kissing
the wrong person under the mistletoe.
Ha, been there a few times. I can tell you.
But that's the point.
Christmas isn't supposed to be perfect.
That's what makes the whole thing
so bloody Christmassy, isn't it?
So let's not get too down
on the old family Christmas just yet, eh?
Maybe we should just feel grateful
that we're having one at all.
I never even knew what I was missing.
Family family family.
Hello, my baby. You been so good.
Thank you my, darling.
You're welcome my darling.
She's done a poo I think.
And she'll be needing
her nyilkies right about now.
JULIAN: No thank you, Mary!
(PIANO PLAYING)
ERROL: There you are.
Can I let you into a little secret, son?
The reason why old mums and dads
like us want to do everything
is because we like it.
And maybe a bit because, I dunno
we're scared.
Scared of what?
The day we can't do it anymore.
You know what?
There is one thing you can do for me.
(LAUGHS)
(SINGING) In the bleak midwinter
Frosty wind made moan
Earth stood hard as iron
Water like a stone
Snow had fallen
Snow on snow
Snow on snow
In the bleak midwinter
Long, ago
In the bleak midwinter
Long, ago
(CLAPPING)
Wow! She really loves carols.
(CHUCKLES)
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
(JULIAN GROANING)
I'm not sure about this, Pat.
What if my daughter
was so traumatized by my death,
she became something dreadful like
a drug addict or an alternative comedian?
It's better to know, mate. Trust me.
Okay.
(JULIAN GROANS)
Oh! She became an MP!
Pat, look! She followed
in her old man's footsteps!
Oh, she looks like she means business.
(LAUGHS)
- What's the Green party?
- Huh?
Oh. Ah, well. Nobody's perfect.
Oh, I didn't know it did that!
Ooh!
Christmas, eh?
Suppose it might catch on.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)