Ghosts (2019) s02e06 Episode Script

1
No, no,
I completely understand.
Please don't feel bad about it.
You just stay safe.
This doesn't look good.
-We'll still get paid, right?
-Yeah.
But we don't want
our first wedding here
People will think
the place is cursed.
-It is.
-Not haunted.
-I mean, like, unlucky.
-It isn't not unlucky.
-Hmm.
-That was Michelle.
-The Kingsleys
can't make it either.
Yeah, Mike and Valerie
just texted to say,
"Accident on the M4.
-"Traffic isn't moving."
-
Ooh, it's
the wedding planner.
Hi. Hi, Martin.
-We've been trying
to get hold of you.
I didn't have the Bluetooth in.
Just to give you the rundown.
The DJ can't make it,
but the equipment's all there
if anyone wants to step in.
-The caterers are with you,
I think.
But the waiting staff
are mostly crying off,
so it might have
to be a bit more of
Okay. Well, I'll let you
co-ordinate that.
Ah. That's the thing.
I've had
a little bit of a dink.
Sorry, sir, we need to end
the call now, please.
I'd better go.
-Oh, my God.
-It's fine.
I think I'm in shock!
-POLICE OFFICER: Sir,
-Right. Got to go.
Good luck with it all.
-Ciao, ciao, ciao.
-Oh, oh, oh
-So where is he?
-Slight problem.
'Tis bad tidings
for the nuptials.
No, it's romantic!
A white wedding.
A white, white wedding!
Oh, I do wish
I could see the service.
Well, that's at
the church, Kitty,
I know.
If they can get there,
that is.
Beastly terrain
for civilian vehicles.
PAT: I remember my wedding day.
It was the best day of my life.
Carol in velvet,
me in a handsome
brown three-piece.
I cannot bear to think
of the joy that would've
-Oh!
-JULIAN: Don't remember
Assume it was fun.
Ahhh!
Mine was at
Winchester Cathedral.
I was given away
by the Marquis of Granby
-and the guests included the
-
Something to say,
have we, Robin?
Well, in my day,
you do what you want.
You like someone,
you do it.
You like someone else,
you do it. Easy.
No one know
who their father is,
but everyone
raise children together.
-Peace and love.
-JULIAN: I see.
-Bloody hippy, eh?
-Sounds awful.
-It's not very romantic, is it?
-You, wife cheat on you.
And you cheat on wife.
And you,
husband cheat on you
with two men,
then kill you, so
Open your eyes.
People not meant
to be mon-hog
mono
mo-hog hog
-Monogamous.
-That's what I said.
Dad, everyone's cancelling.
-How many men have we lost?
-DAD: Not everyone.
Sam's at the hotel,
and the family!
So vital personnel
are all still in the field?
CAPTAIN: Ah!
Michael's back from the front.
-Marquee's fallen down.
-CAPTAIN: Oh.
-BRIDE: What?
-Part of it. Most of it.
Oh, my God!
Best to cancel the wedding.
It be cursed.
CAPTAIN: No,
thank you, Mary.
We can do the meal
in the house.
-Good idea.
-Excellent.
How will everyone
get to the service?
-You can't drive in this.
-We'll hike.
Yes, Alan. On foot.
We march.
That's not going to work
for Auntie Lou, is it?
Stretcher?
-Do you think
we should just cancel?
Well, what does Sam think?
We agreed not to talk.
It's bad luck
to see each other
Well, in that case.
Wouldn't want to make it worse.
Dad, I know it's silly,
but it's the one thing
Sorry.
I I still think
we can do this, Clare,
if you want to.
You're here and
and Sam's nearby.
Your dad's here,
and the bridesmaids
People that matter, right?
Good. Then we've
got to do it.
We're licensed, and I know
you wanted a church,
but if the mountain
can't come to Muhammad, then
then we're going to bring
the vicar here.
And I know that
that's mixed metaphors,
but you know what I mean.
Very good.
Right, well, who's going
to go out in this
and get the vicar
from the top of the
Me. It's me, innit?
All right. It's all part
of the Button House service.
-All right.
-
-Thirty?
-Oh, at least. Lost count.
-Busy bunny, eh?
-Oh, no.
This is not love you speak of!
'Tis but the carnality
of a beast.
Let me put you this.
If you had married Isabelle
and then you meet Alison
They're 200 years apart,
man!
Question still stands.
Well, I'd
-I'd
-See?
Right, we're commandeering
the ballroom.
-What?
-What?
The wedding's happening here.
Yes! Oh, yes,
a thousand times yes!
-Whoa.
Oh, my God.
That has never happened before.
Right, I need to get chairs
in here.
What? Alison,
no, no, no, no.
You can't have
the service in here.
This isn't a church.
Where's the steeple,
where are the pews,
No, it's a great idea.
What can we do?
Well, nothing,
actually, Pat, can you,
Thank you, though.
Thank you, Patrick, carry on.
-Ooh, this looks amazing!
Oh, hi!
You made it! Come in.
Come in, come in.
The key, of course,
is symmetry.
Two banks of seating
with a clear avenue
for the entrance
of the bride.
Just line that up.
Very good, carry on.
I'm just trying to set up,
if anyone wants to help.
Yep, a little bit higher.
You want lovely long loops,
like waves across the space,
don't you think, Julian?
Mmm. Are there bridesmaids?
Oh, I hope you're going to
behave yourself today
Because I have heard
about you.
-What do you think?
-Oh, it's wonderful.
I mean, it's like a
it's like a flower grenade
-Oh.
-It's It's fabulous.
Now I was thinking,
perhaps, flowers
-A floral streetlight,
if you will.
-BOTH: Robin!
It wasn't me!
It was me.
-Everything all right, love?
-Yeah.
Sure I can't help?
Yeah.
She shakes!
'Tis another sign!
She's nervous!
Oh, I wish I could help!
Good morning.
-Hello.
-Father,
I've come to take you
to the wedding.
-We're doing the service
in the house.
I rather thought
it might be cancelled.
No, it's happening,
so if you want to grab
I'm afraid I'm carrying
a bit of an injury.
I'm not sure I can
walk down the hill.
Don't worry, Father,
you don't have to walk.
Ah.
MIKE: Look out!
-Ah, there we are.
-What?
-That's very sparkly.
-Yeah.
What has happened
to ties nowadays?
-Oh! Ooh!
-Ah.
Does nobody wear a gown
to a wedding nowadays?
You'd think this was a circus.
Oh, no, it's chic,
and it's now,
and if it makes her
feel fabulous, then,
Oh, and trousers for you
as well!
Hello!
Or should I say yellow?
Beautiful banana.
Do you recognise him?
Do you recognise him?
-Er
-Where do I know him from?
-Is he off the telly?
-JULIAN: Ooh, yeah,
He does look familiar.
Oh, my goodness,
Clare, it's beautiful!
Where be your garter?
The bride must be gartered!
-Oh, no!
-Alison!
It's not, er,
Dennis Waterman, is it?
Dennis Waterman?
He'd be 70 by now.
Oh, yeah,
good point, yeah.
Mick Hucknall!
Don't be ridiculous,
Robin!
Mick Hucknall has dreadlocks.
Oh, Vicar,
you made it!
Just go through here
and make yourself warm
Ah, thank you.
-That took a while.
-Yeah, he wanted to do
Alison!
May I have your ear,
please?
Ah! Vicar's arrived.
Good work, Michael.
-They're here!
Sorry, Mary,
not right now.
Ah, here we go.
A double wedding!
Oh, my goshness!
No, that's the other bride.
For the same groom?
Bigamy?
No, they're marrying
each other.
What on earth?
Two brides! Wonderful!
Is this one gartered?
Oi-oi-bridesmaids. Tick.
Let the wedding commence.
Isn't that against the law?
No. Times have changed.
The house will be brought
into disrepute.
It's a scandal!
-Those are the bridesmaids?
-THOMAS: Of course.
But they're wearing burgundy,
just like me.
Wonderful choice.
A darker shade,
as if to frame
of the beautiful bride,
without upstaging her.
Does this mean
I'm a bridesmaid?
Can I be a bridesmaid?
Please, please, please!
Yes, yes, fine, yeah.
Hi! Come in, come in.
MAN: Oh, what a journey!
ALISON: Oh, you made it!
Okay, so we've set everything
out in the ballroom.
Oh, thank you so much
for doing this for us.
Honestly, I don't know
what we would have done
No, it's our pleasure.
It's all part of
brand, #ButtonHouse.
Available for bookings.
Tell your friends.
Oh, where is this garter, then?
Er, come through.
KITTY:
Here comes the bridesmaid
-Lovely place, isn't it?
-Yeah, er, yes.
I've been here before,
actually.
-Oh?
-A long time ago now.
Well, what a coincidence.
-Mmm.
-So, I don't know
if you've met the couple
that own it, but it's
-No.
-it's quite a story.
I've been
here before, actually.
JULIAN: Like the beak
of a goose, you see?
Oh, it's
a lovely old tradition,
especially with
the bridesmaids.
Pinch on the bum,
no harm done.
These are gentlewomen, sir,
not Whitechapel strumpets!
You're fun.
-It looks good.
-It's happening.
I know, I think it's good.
I can't believe we're actually
going to make this happen.
Er, you haven't seen Clare,
have you?
Oh, she hasn't run away,
has she?
Actually, I hope
she hasn't run away.
Oh, she's probably
just popped to the loo, or
-I'll go and look for her.
Yeah.
Just, just tell everyone
that we're going to start soon.
Erm, just keep them
entertained.
-What shall I say?
-I don't know.
Whatever. I won't be long.
-Alison, what's happening?
-We've just lost
What?
What?
Right, pay attention,
everyone!
We have a missing bride.
We need to search the house.
Thomas, Mary, East Wing.
Robin, Julian, West Wing.
Pat, you're with me.
Come along.
-Well, come on, man!
-Yeah, yeah, I heard you
Hi.
Er, we're going to start soon,
but I just want to say
to welcome you all
to Button House.
Er, well done
for getting here
Many didn't make it.
Not that they died,
they just got stuck,
although the wedding planner
had quite a serious
Nah. Nothing.
Anyway, the best ones
are here, right?
Right?
Oh, here she be!
She sits herein.
Alison! Alison!
We have eyes on the target.
-The eagle is in the nest.
-What?
-She's in the toilet.
-Oh!
-Clare?
It's Alison.
Is everything okay?
I'm just going to the loo,
I'll be out in a minute.
She sits upon the stall
but her trousers is not down.
Okay.
She seems lost in thought,
at sea, in a tumultuous storm
of emotion.
Are you
are you sure you're okay?
Yeah.
Anything you want to
talk about?
I'm scared
I'm making a mistake.
Well, she is.
Monopoly is a trap.
-Monogamy.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, erm
-Vicar?
-Mmm?
You've done
hundreds of weddings.
Oh, not really.
Really? No stories?
No, nothing very
Being modest. Er
You have to help me.
Er Alison's gone
to find Clare
and I don't know
what's going on.
Right. I just don't
Make something up?
Hmm, yeah?
Woo!
Erm, hello. Erm
I, er
I remember one wedding.
Goodness me,
it must be, erm,
when, erm,
during the vows,
all of a sudden,
the doors flew open,
and a dog ran into
the church.
Barking.
Barking away, he was.
Woof, woof, woof.
But, er,
that was just the start.
Oh.
-Hmm.
-HUMPHREY: What's going on?
Has the party started
already?
-I thought I could hear voices.
-No.
-It's the ceremony.
-Here?
-Mmm.
-Woo!
Could you take me down there?
I'd love to see it.
Oh, I don't think you do.
It's scandalous.
It's unbecoming
of this fine house
I think I'll probably make
my own mind up,
if you could just
take me down
Oh, I'm quite sure
you'll agree with me.
Honestly, I don't know
what the world has come to.
Is there no decency
any more?
No sense
of traditional values?
Oh, this is happening.
-When I was a girl
-Yep.
-we were taught
at a very young age
exactly what was expected,
what was proper!
-I'm being stupid.
-Yep.
-Don't say that.
-Well
It's not that
I don't love her.
It's not that
we aren't happy, it
It just suddenly
feels terrifying.
Oh, get over it
and get on with it!
You're lucky to be alive!
Honestly, people don't know
they're born.
It's completely natural
for you to get cold feet today.
ROBIN: Yeah, it's snowing.
It's a metaphor, Robin!
You're a metaphor.
Don't tell anyone this, but
I had a wobble
on my wedding day.
I kept thinking,
"Is he the one?"
"I'm still young,
do I really want to commit
"for the rest of my life,"
you know?
"Is it naive to think that
I won't fall in love again?
"And all the little habits
and the things that annoy me,
"can I really live with them
every day?"
-You're absolutely right.
-Oh, my God!
-He's wrong for you.
-Can you
But then I tried to
imagine living without him.
And I couldn't.
Because he's the best thing
that's ever happened to me.
We're a team.
And we love each other.
Nah, I preferred
the first bit.
VICAR: He had a nut
a nut allergy,
yes, because Janet had
already given some
Oh, Michael's here, girls!
Mike, is everything okay?
Are we starting?
Alison's just talking to Clare
in the bathroom.
Oh!
-What about?
-Apparently she got cold feet
on our wedding day
and she wasn't sure
because of all my bad habits.
Why is she talking
about cold feet?
What's going on?
So, you know, only you
can make that decision.
Can you imagine life
without her?
It's working.
She's looking at pictures
Ooh, holiday snaps.
No, no, scroll back.
ALISON: Clare?
So, what do you think?
Do you want to do this?
I do.
It became clear
that the dog was, er,
It was pointing,
you know, with its
so we, er, all got up
out of our seats
and followed the creature.
I fears for the marriage,
Alison. Much is not done.
The bride be not gartered.
And where are the bachelors
to carry her to bed?
And someone must
break cake over her head.
Erm, I'm just going to
catch you
-I'll catch you up.
-Sure.
-Okay.
-Yeah. Mmm.
What are you talking about,
Mary?
The cake what's not broke
upon my head
so my husband did die.
Crushed beneath his plough
like a grape
beneath the foot.
Oh, my God!
Your husband died
on your wedding day?
No, three years aft.
-Right.
-The couple must observe
the rituals for
a blessed marriage!
Okay. There's a lot
to unpack here.
So you're saying
that your husband died
because of something
that you didn't do
on your wedding day
three years earlier?
Exactly!
Okay.
VICAR: We We
We'd gathered round the well
and, er, we
we thought we could hear
a baby crying.
Well, nobody had a ladder,
so we were going to have
But, erm, there was
What do you mean
she's not here?
-She went off with her mum.
-Why?
She's so upset!
She found out that
her bride might be having
You told her?
Oh, my God, Mike.
I had it all under control.
All you had to do
was just keep them waiting.
Well, I'm sorry
I always disappoint you.
Well, sorry's not
good enough, is it?
That's such
an insensitive thing to do.
-Is the wedding off?
-No!
Alison, we need a plan.
The guests
are getting restless.
PAT: Oh, who cares
about the guests?
To hell with the guests!
What's it got to do
with us, eh?
We're dead,
in case you hadn't noticed.
We can't do
a bloody thing!
I'm going to talk to Sam
and then you just make sure
that Clare's still here
if we get back.
All this over
a silly piece of paper.
I just wanted to be
a bridesmaid!
You all saw that, didn't you?
She tires of him.
Finally, she sees the light!
Yes!
PAT: Where do you think
you're going?
And before you know it,
there's chaos on the streets,
everyone doing whatever
they feel like:
anarchy,
which is precisely why
I won't go near this
spectacle.
You finished?
Yes.
Wow.
Breathe, love.
-What did she say?
-Nothing. Honestly, nothing.
She loves you
and she wants to marry you.
This is all
a big misunderstanding.
Mike heard you say to Clare
that you had cold feet
Yes. Yes. He did.
But But that's me.
Not Clare.
But why would you talk
to Clare about it
unless that's how
she were feeling?
Tell me honestly
Was Clare having doubts?
Yes. But
Well, I had
a flathead screwdriver,
but that was no good
because it was a,
Mike, is everything okay?
Mike?
Is everything okay?
I heard Alison telling you
she wasn't sure
if she wanted to marry me
and if she'd meet
someone better
-and if I was the one.
-Erm
I meant with the wedding?
Yes.
She had an artificial limb
that had come loose and also
PAT: You bastard!
-Patrick?
-Come here, you scally!
You reprobate!
Those drinks
were for later! Urgh!
Leave it, Pat.
-Argh!
-Oh!
BOTH: Ah!
Stand down, fellows.
Stand down!
-
I'll knock your block off
when it's back on!
Stop!
It's Kieth Darren Dean.
-Who?
-Hmm?
Safety rule number one
is no
ALL: Oh!
PAT: The arrow's
gone through, that.
We might need
one of you to drive.
Don't look at me, kids.
Make a path.
You don't want to see this
in your dreams.
-Oh.
-
-Tenner says he stays.
-You're on.
HUMPHREY: I'll tell you
about my marriage.
My marriage was arranged.
I was 14, she was 12.
Noble families, both.
Model couple, really,
for the time.
We had the title
and the big house
and the lands, riches.
Didn't love each other.
She didn't even like me.
Didn't laugh at my jokes.
Didn't really understand
each other.
She was French, so
Might have been nice
if we could have chosen
Mike, something's going on,
isn't it?
I may have told Sam
you were having
a bit of a wobble.
I heard Alison saying
that stuff about me
and I was really hurt
and I wasn't really thinking.
I'm sure Sam will
come around, like you did.
And then she opened the door
and she said, "Thank you."
-And that's it?
-That's it.
She loves you.
She was just scared.
You know she also said
she couldn't imagine
-Did she?
-She said
you're the best thing
that's ever happened to her.
Ah.
BOTH: I need to talk to her.
I need to see her,
and to hell with tradition.
-I love you.
-SAM: Let's get married.
Hello, Skip.
Hello, Kieth.
I just want you to know
I do think about you.
I think about you too.
About that day.
I'm sorry, Skip.
I forgive you.
I should never have given
an eight-year-old
I suppose if there's one thing
I could say to you, Kieth,
it would be Ugh!
Of course.
I'm okay!
Sorry.
Sorry.
Mission accomplished.
-There.
-Thank you. That's
What? Oh! All right, then.
-CAPTAIN: Julian!
Please be seated.
You've changed your tune.
Well, times change,
don't they?
We should know.
After all,
if George had been free
well, I wouldn't have
been murdered.
And I could have had
a husband instead
And when I say know,
I mean he would give me
-a really good
Waza!
Incredible story.
What happened to the baby?
Oh! Well
-ALL: Ahhh!
-I've got it.
Double half hitch.
Well done, Kieth.
Well done.
Who do that?
Three, two, one, go!
Good for you, Debbie.
Now's your chance.
Mary, I can't just
throw cake at the bride.
But looks!
Okay.
Now she will not die.
Okay, sometimes it work
-mon-og-amy.
-Oh!
Very good, Robin.
Monogamy. Monogamy!
Monogamy!
That's enough.
Thank you, Robin.
I think I want another fight.
Could that be a club?