Ghosts (2019) s02e05 Episode Script

1
I had no idea
so much went into a wedding.
Speaking as your wife,
that was clear.
CAPTAIN:
Hmm. Five boxes
Six, seven, eight in here.
And ten in the lobby.
Excellent.
Right. Lift from the knees!
Trust me, you don't
want a hernia.
-Head!
-What?
Chog.
Hedgehog. Sorry.
-I thought I saw a hedgehog.
-Where?
-Did you?
-Mmm-mmm.
No. Ah.
HUMPHREY:
Chase it out with a broom.
Now, the other bit.
I have you down
HUMPHREY:
What, again?
Can't he do it? I mean, uh,
-me do it?
-Hardly.
There's a lot of valuable
ordnance on base,
and while your counterpart here
is very dextrous,
observation is
not his strong suit.
Okay. Fine.
Pick me up at six.
-Very good.
Oh, no, no, no!
I know you're on a budget,
but where are
the oyster forks?
-They're not having oysters.
-What?
How much?
To hire knives and forks?
It's wedding silver, Mike.
It's got to be top quality.
Don't try to bend them!
-That's just what I heard.
-No, don't be daft.
Course it ain't haunted.
Just act natural.
If anyone asks,
we're couriers
while looking for a toilet,
'cause you needed to go urgently
due to a recent operation
to remove
That's a lot of detail, Vin.
That's what
makes it believable.
Now, Pete says this place
has been getting deliveries
for some big wedding bash.
Silverware, furniture,
PA system
So, what's the plan?
-So we case the joint,
find a way in
then come back
when they're asleep
and nick it.
I'll make love to you
If you want me to
And I'll hold you tight
Baby, all through
The night
I don't want him to!
-Okay!
-Great. They're doing
Well, they're busy.
They won't even know I'm out.
You haven't told them?
It would just become
some whole big thing
and it's better
if I just sneak out.
-They won't bother you.
-Hmm.
You've been on your own
with them before.
Yeah, not at night,
with the house
and them all dead and weird.
You still can come
with us, you know?
Nah. You go.
They're your friends, really.
I'll be fine,
with the dead people.
-Thanks for waiting.
-DRIVER: No problem.
VINNY: This is perfect.
They're going out.
Come on, now's our chance.
But I've still
got the thighs.
God, you eat slowly.
Well, I have got
that bowel thing.
No, you haven't.
Oh, yeah.
MIKE: Yeah, no,
that's cool.
No, no, no. No reason.
I just thought if you
play a bit of Xbox or something,
but it's fine.
Another time. Yep.
All right, say hello to
-Hello?
Tut! Aw!
Coming up tonight
I like ya and I love ya
but I don't like ya.
Know what I mean?
Yeah, I mean, no.
I just don't think
I have.
You touched it.
That's not what I mean.
Right. I know
you can hear me
Amazing Kitty, so
Now, I'm going
to stay in here, okay?
And you stay
anywhere else.
I don't want any trouble.
I just want to watch my show,
and eat my trifle,
Not that I will sleep.
Haunted house.
On my own.
HUMPHREY: Oh.
Oh, visitors!
Intruders?
Intruders.
Intruders!
Rum tuka-tum, rum tuka-tum
Rum tuka-tum
Snare drum!
Pom pom pom
Pom-pom pa-rum-pum pa-dum
Ba ba ba
Intruders!
Ba ba ba-dum ba
Pom pom pom pom
Anyone?
Ba ba ba-dum dum ba-dum
Ba ba ba ba ba
Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba
Ba-dum ba ba
Oh, ba, ba
Ba ba ba ba
Ba-ba-ba ba ba
Ba ba ba ba
Ba ba
Horn section!
Brum ba-rum bum bum bum
Piccolo!
Bum bum ba ba
Bum bum ba ba
Daddle-addle-ah
Bum bum ba ba
Bum bum bum bum
Baaa-nup
Ba ba ba doof!
Shh!
Whatever was that?
It's the Coldstream Guards.
No, no.
It come from down stair.
-Now
-Ooh!
Ah, ah, ah!
JULIAN:
Oh! I know what this is!
A masked ball!
No, no.
We had this at the Bramptons'.
-A burglary!
-Insurance fraud.
Oh, yes, I suppose it might
actually be a burglary. Yes.
CAPTAIN: Good Lord,
there's another one.
Well, I can't see no cameras.
Oh, it's you, Nev.
I didn't recognise you.
I was just wearing a hat.
Oh. Right.
Let's see what's
worth nicking, shall we?
All right.
We have enemy insurgents.
Somebody warn Alison.
Tell her to inform
Where is she?
-In bed, I think.
-I'll go!
In the meantime,
we must not lose sight of them.
-Fanny, keep eyes on the leader.
-Right.
Kitty, Mary,
make a note of anything
We'll need a full inventory.
-Ahem
-A list.
Oh.
And as for you
No! Leave this one to me.
I am placing you
under a citizen's arrest.
You do not have
to say anything,
but anything you do say
will be taken
Wurgh! Ohhh!
Cheeky little blighter.
Tray. One tray.
Silver tray.
How dare you!
You contemptible, odious
Candlestick.
One candlestick.
No, no, no.
Those come as a pair.
-Forks.
-Just forks?
A dinner service
requires a full canteen!
He's taken nothing.
-Still nothing.
-Yes, thank you, Mary.
Young man,
you are heading down
But it's not too late, you know.
You're yet to commit
Borstal.
You're going to borstal.
They're going to eat you alive.
Nothing here.
See?
-VINNY: Anything?
-
Can you smell that?
What is that?
What?
I'm telling you,
this place ain't right.
You ain't right.
Come on, I think
-Right.
-KITTY: DJ kit
She's not here! Alison!
He's alone up there.
Maybe she's left him!
Or gone out?
Probably just gone out.
Gentlemen
we're on our own.
Right. Box, 'nother box,
bigger box.
And some worms.
It is a lot to remember.
No, it's only
What did I just say?
Oh! Alison taught me
a clever way
when I kept forgetting
the colours in a rainbow.
You make a sentence
with the same first letters.
So, it's Richard Of York
Gave Battle In Vain.
So that's red,
orange, yellow
grey
-blue
-Yeah?
indigo
Very light blue.
A rainbow!
Sounds right.
So, candlesticks, cutlery,
and silver tray could be
-Cups?
-Yes!
Cups. And
Oh, some more cups.
Exactly!
-Oh, that muddles things.
-Oh.
Move it along, man!
Push for the finish!
MALE OPERATOR:
Emergency services.
MALE OPERATOR:
What service do you require?
-The police, please!
-The constabulary.
MALE OPERATOR:
Do you need fire,
We not think this through.
MALE OPERATOR:
Hello, is anyone there?
Oh! The plague girl
can be heard!
-Yes!
-To the pantry!
Hang on.
Was that always like that?
Ghosts!
It was definitely ghosts!
Or I might have knocked it.
I do do that.
What? Do you think
someone's here?
Shouldn't be, but
Let's be on the safe side.
Cut the phone line.
No. The main one.
No. The main one!
Outside.
-Come! Come!
-JULIAN: This way. That's it.
THOMAS: What? Who did that?
Right, pay attention.
Just ask for the police.
Tell them a burglary
at Button House,
then give them
FEMALE OPERATOR:
Emergency services.
-What service do you require?
-Yes, please, Jemima.
Ring a ring o' roses
A pocket full of posies
FEMALE OPERATOR:
Hello, is anyone there?
-I think maybe
that's all she does.
Why is no one ever alive
when you need them?
Well someone is.
Still nothing.
-Is he dead?
-I wish.
No, I don't.
Wait. Hang on
-
Scratch his head.
Thatcher's dead?
No. Scratch his head.
Or, like, jab him.
Come on. I'm exhausted!
-Don't complain about it.
It's a gift.
Give me some space.
Shwa-da!
Oh, man!
Eeny, meeny, miny
Main one.
-
You could try prodding his
No!
No?
FEMALE OPERATOR:
Hello? Can you hear me?
FEMALE OPERATOR:
If you can hear me,
Hmm.
Did you cut
the wrong cable?
It's possible.
What d'ya reckon?
Well, it's a fine piece.
Look at the brushwork.
Dunno.
Oh, you "dunno".
How are things at Sotheby's?
The frame's all cracked.
Forget the frame,
just cut out the canvas!
Ugh!
Trust me, it'll work.
Look, I just
I don't feel comfortable
Oh, not still asleep?
I have been trying!
But we need his help.
He's our only hope.
Star Wars!
Well, I've done my bit.
Good luck with it all.
-Well, you
-Wait!
In case of emergency
break glass!
Fine.
But if I get RSI,
I'm suing.
Come along.
Shammo!
Mi-wadi-wadi-wadi
CAPTAIN: Push, man! Push!
Good quality.
ALL: Ooh!
Ah! Made in Britain.
Right.
-
-Shh!
Vin!
Maybe someone is in here.
-Or something.
-Shut up, Nev.
Grab that candlestick.
Right.
Not that. That!
I thought this was
a candlestick.
That's just a candle.
But it's in the shape
of a stick.
Yes, the shape of a stick.
Look, just grab that!
All right, this isn't funny.
Stop messing about. Seriously.
He's up.
Yes, but how do we
communicate with him?
Morse Code!
Will he know Morse Code?
BOTH:
Everyone knows Morse Code.
Fine. I'll try.
But something light!
Getting crampy.
Eh Yes, probably
not the best choice.
Hmm.
-They've They've gone what?
Mike, I can barely hear you.
Rogue! They've gone rogue!
The ghosts.
He on phone!
Robin?
Ooh! It Alison!
-Alison! There are insurgents!
I don't know why,
but they've wrecked the joint
and broke the lights
and blown the power
-and I don't know
what I'm going to do.
Sorry, can you stop talking?
Can you open the wardrobe door?
What makes you think
I'm in the wardrobe?
-Are you?
-Yes.
Yes.
Shush up! Shush up!
One at a time.
Alison, there is a burglary
in progress.
The authorities must be
notified at once!
-Oh, my
-Over.
Mike! Mike, there are burglars
in the house.
What?
Can you just hang up,
and stay where you are
-I'm on my way!
-Right.
Oh, no.
Oh, come on!
VINNY: Anything?
Nope. No one here.
Yeah, well, I definitely
heard something.
Come on.
Let's finish up
Right, if you can hear me,
knock three times.
Why three times?
-Yes!
-Well done.
Well, yeah, you know.
Right. Okay.
Where are the burglars now?
Well, how the hell
am I supposed to answer that?
No, that doesn't Erm
What does she see in him?
Right, okay
What weapons have they got?
No. How many burglars
are there?
Yes, can do that.
-And where are they?
-
Oh, this is futile.
Are they bigger
than me? No
Or smaller?
PAT: Oh! I think
I've had an idea.
Me? Again?
Are you still here
God! I haven't worked this hard
since that animal welfare bill.
You had an animal welfare bill?
No, no. I was
lobbying against it.
Balls to animals.
This way, everyone.
-To the bog!
-MIKE: twice
-That's it.
Oh.
-Very good.
-Good, good.
-Very good.
-Yes, yes, yes.
-Ooh!
-Okay, Robin.
Every time.
There we go.
Okay
How many burglars are there?
-Ah.
-All right. Here we go.
Two. Yes
20?
I need to get out of here!
What are you doing?
There's not 20!
No, I was writing,
"2 of them."
Just write, "2."
Well, you know, hindsight is
a wonderful thing, isn't it?
Moron!
Hi. Do you have a car?
-30 minutes.
-Could it be 20?
It could be 40.
I'm sorry, are you
haggling with time?
Look, it's an hour, love.
Take it or leave it.
What are you doing?
Oi! What the
CAPTAIN: Well, that's
just wonderful, isn't it?
Michael's gone AWOL,
Alison is off-base,
and we have absolutely no way
of contacting the authorities.
We have to do something.
Any ideas?
-Er
-Ooh!
Yes, please, Robin.
Oh, that's very helpful,
isn't it? A deserter!
I could have you shot
for that, you know!
Ooh
Well
NEV: Do you think
this is gold?
-VINNY: No, it's silver.
-
NEV: How do you know?
VINNY: Because it's silver.
Just put it in the bag.
Hyah!
Why is everything so old?
NEV: Who's there?
-Me, you moron.
-Oh, sorry, Vin.
Well, swaddle them
in something!
If they crack,
they're worth nothing.
Cut glass decanters!
Caused Godwin's dog
Three pewter tankards!
to puke up turnip?
Juice!
I think putting it
to music helped.
Erm, to be honest, I think
I was nailing it anyways.
Hello.
Hello.
Were you murdered
while hitchhiking too?
Huh?
Oh, no. Oh
No. Er, no. I was
I've got to go. I
NEV: Anything else?
VINNY: Pete said
there's disco lights.
Oh, what's got into them?
Burglars?
Stay there, Bunny.
They'll rue the day!
Hi. Hello?
Hi. Sorry, erm,
I know this is a long shot,
but I need to
GIRL: Oh, look! Hi!
Hi.
I will survive
Oh, as long as
I know how to love
I know I'll stay alive
What? Out there?
In the garden?
Who goes there?
Bitches!
No, no, no.
Those were only pewter.
Save that space,
and go back for the champagne!
-Just here, driver!
-
It was just there.
Can you drop me
I can jump off at the turning.
-GIRLS: Bye!
-Bye!
I reckon that's it.
You've made your bed.
Don't come crying to me
when you bend over in the shower
and someone puts drugs
in your bottom!
I watched a film about borstal.
Bits of it.
Well, mission
very much not accomplished.
At least tell me
you got an inventory.
-Caused
Two
Godwin's dog
Three
One
to puke up
turnips
Cups.
And a rainbow!
VINNY: Just give them here.
NEV: What?
Let's get out of here.
What?
Oh, my God,
it's a ghost! I told you!
Get in the van, Nev.
MIKE: Yeah, run away.
Go on
Oh, just leaving
the witness alive, are we?
Not even
a threat of violence?
At least take
some identification
and say you'll be back
if he contacts the authori
What have I become?
NEV: I can't believe
we got away with it.
See? Absolute piece of
Don't bally move!
I've got a problem
with my bowel!
Move an inch
and you will have.
Good girls. Good girls!
Ah! Annabel!
Alison.
-pivots in the middle.
-
-Ow!
-I fought in an actual battle
There are burglars!
Oh, you know that.
As a pivotal member of
the local neighbourhood watch,
I was keeping my usual vigil
over the surrounding estates
The operator thought
she heard a child,
so we traced the number
and got the address.
What?
We'd have been too late if
it weren't for your friend here.
Thank you.
No, no. Least I could do.
No one to blame
but yourself, Neville.
Mark my words.
Gonna throw the book
at you, son.
-What do you reckon?
-No previous.
You what?
I mean, they do
still freak me out.
But, well
they did good tonight.
Yeah, they properly
saved our skins.
And to think,
when I first met them,
they seemed so selfish.
Well, close the door, then!
I've had a hell of a day.