Ghosts (2019) s03e02 Episode Script

A Lot to Take In

CAPTAIN: Now, the hare
hops around the tree.
ALISON: Now, the hare
hops around the tree.
And then she is startled.
-She jumps into the hole.
-And then she jumps
into the hole.
Uh, put smoking hole weight
with spiel.
Put smoke in that
No, sorry. No, that's not
-Uh, I'm just gonna do
a school knot.
-Not a proper knot, mate.
He's stressed.
Don't be stressed.
Let's go back
to the gooseberry farm.
-Oh, you went there
when I left?
Just think of the gatehouse.
-I'm very proud of you.
PAT: I remember my first day
at the bank.
Terrible tummy ache.
Yes. My first day as CO,
I must admit,
I had some butterflies.
First time hunt mammoth,
me be breaking it.
-CAPTAIN: What about
you, Julian?
-Me? Well
Can't say I've ever suffered
from first day nerves.
-ALISON: Are you sure?
-Hmm. That's how we used
to do it in school.
-Oh, yes. What about school?
Nah, like a second home.
Well, third home.
We had a second home.
Fourth, if you count the one
in Provence.
University and so on.
Uh, same boys, really.
Surely the first day
in Parliament.
Again, same boys, really.
So, you're saying
you've never been
in a situation
-where you felt
out of your depth?
Not that I can recall.
WOMAN 1: Is everybody
WOMAN 2: Oh, God. No.
WOMAN 3: You think
he's had a heart attack?
WOMAN 4: No, he isn't.
Patient is unresponsive.
Terminating CPR.
What the hell is going on?
-They can't hear you.
Oh, no.
Oh, dear.
New guy!
Alison, if I may.
Since Michael is at work today,
I wondered if you might like
to accompany me for a turn
about the grounds.
Actually I can't because
KITTY: Alison is spending
the day with me today, Thomas.
-Dancing. She promised.
-I did, actually.
I said we could make up
a dance routine,
like I did with my friends
at school.
-Well, I can help you
devise your piece.
Provide an outside eye.
Constructive criticism.
-Thomas, I don't
-It's no trouble at all.
-No, I don't think
-Shush, now. No, no, no.
Come on.
-THOMAS: Okay.
-Knock 'em dead.
-Isn't he leaving?
No, He's working
from home, online.
-Working from home?
You're gonna be great.
JULIAN: Hello.
I invented that look.
-KITTY: Come on, Alison.
Let's start straight away.
-I was thinking that
we could grow the seed
-MARY: Alison? Alison?
-into a flower.
There are women on television,
talking about all sorts.
Giving opinions freely.
Loose Women, Mary.
Awful program.
Yeah, it's loose women's
Me like Christine Lampard.
MARY: I do fear
for them, Alison.
If the menfolk catch them
so wantonly expressing
-The loud one.
-Coleen Nolan.
-Oh, she will be
docked for sure.
-It's probably just a parcel.
I'll be one sec.
You want to play chess?
Ah, Not today, Robin.
Then I will play with myself.
Can I help you?
Uh, yeah.
Yeah. Um,
-so you're Alison,
aren't you?
Well, my name's Lucy.
And uh
Probably gonna come as a shock.
Oh, God, um
I'm just gonna say it.
I think I'm your half-sister.
WOMAN: Hi, everyone.
-ALL: Hi.
Looking very smart, Mike.
Loving the tie.
Won't take too much
of your time before
you get cracking.
All the stuff we went through
in the induction meeting,
there are no quotas.
We're not a factory.
You are not machines.
-Okay? We said that.
Keep the numbers up.
-MAN: Yeah.
Stick to the script
-and don't ask open questions.
-MAN: Got that.
Your job is to sign them up,
not to hear their life story.
Excellent briefing.
She's right, Michael.
Quick in and out.
Like Special Forces.
Yeah, carry on.
I sometimes listen in
and you can talk to me
in the chat window.
But please keep it to business.
CAPTAIN: Tongue sticking out.
-No, no, no.
-WOMAN: Does anybody
have any last questions?
LUCY: Just a summer thing,
I guess.
I don't think it lasted long.
I don't like her.
Her eyes are too far apart,
and she smells and she hit me.
She can't.
Well, she wanted to.
-She's a baddie.
-LUCY: And she found out
she was pregnant
and she didn't have
an address for him.
-So, just got on
with it, I suppose.
-Do you take sugar?
-LUCY: One, please.
-Same as me.
-THOMAS: Gosh.
So alike, huh?
LUCY: But yeah,
she tried the phone book.
-Are you all right, Thomas?
-LUCY: If she had Facebook,
it would have been different.
ALISON: Tea, one sugar.
LUCY: That's what she said.
Maybe she didn't
want to find him.
Who knows?
Then when I was 16,
my mom told me all this.
I mean chinny reckon.
She sat me down. She said
JULIAN: You know,
I had this myself.
They show up out of the blue
with some story about how
you slept with their mother
at the party conference in '74
and how you should pay off
the student debt.
Did that really happen?
Yeah, once or twice.
LUCY: And then I'm watching
a documentary on TV,
and you come on
and they show a photo
of you with your parents,
and it's him.
Oh, gracious.
I just couldn't believe it.
All these years,
all I've ever had was his name
-I mean, where's the evidence?
-and this photo.
All right.
That seems to be fair.
Yeah. Same bloke.
ALISON: Is this when
he was living in Cornwall?
LUCY: Yeah.
ALISON: Oh, my God.
I'm sorry. I know
it must be a bit of a bombshell.
KITTY: We're meant to be
having fun today,
not listening to boring stories.
-Leave me alone.
-KITTY: Alison.
-No, no, it is.
KITTY: Hurry up. Huh?
Um, I could do your dance
with you Kitty, if you like.
It's meant to be with Alison.
-Just until she's ready
to take over.
-KITTY: Fine.
But we still need the music on.
PAT: She's got a point, Alison.
Do you want to see my photos?
Oh, my God, I'd love to.
-ALISON: Follow me.
-LUCY: Great.
That was close.
WOMAN: No, the fundraiser
They took his body away
in an ambulance.
Of course, everyone's gone home.
-Heather? Heather?
-I just have to hope the
the press don't get hold of me.
Something very strange
is happening to me.
Don't worry. You get used to it.
You don't.
-Where be the women?
-MAN ON TV: Several arrests
have been made today.
-They've been killed out.
-MAN ON TV: The suspects have
been remanded in custody today
and will face trial next month.
-If found guilty,
they could face
lengthy custodial sentences.
Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
Oh, no, a trial. A trial!
Here we go.
Remember your training.
Stick to the script.
You'll be fine.
-MAN: Hello?
-Hi, there.
My name's Mike.
I'm calling on behalf
of Spirited Life Insurance.
Better luck next time.
Chin up. Here we go.
-Stand by.
-MAN: Hello?
Your connected.
That's a go for Michael.
Hi there. My name's Mike.
I'm calling on behalf of
Spirited Life Insurance.
-Very good.
-MAN: Oh, I see. Uh, hello.
Hi. Uh, how are you today?
Open question.
MAN: Oh, I'm fine.
Bit of a bad back.
-But I can't complain
at my age.
That doesn't sound very nice.
Oh, it's agony.
I've got painkillers,
but I don't like to take them.
-Just stick to the script, man.
Oh, give him a break.
It's his first day.
Hardly breaking
the Enigma code,
is it?
Like you could do better.
Well, I really rather
think I could.
Actually, Humphrey, I think
I'd be employee of the month.
All right, then, prove it.
I'll be the customer.
-Come on. Go on.
-All right, um
Hello? Mr Cheese speaking.
Right. Right. Hello
Mr Cheese?
-That's a ridiculous name.
-How dare you insult my name.
Who is this?
No, no, I wasn't
doing the thing just then.
HUMPHREY: Wasn't doing
what thing?
Come on. I'm a very busy man.
I've got chickens to feed.
- Hello?
I'm calling on behalf of
Spirited Life Insurance.
-And uh, I was rather
wondering whether
Sorry, it's a very bad line.
I can hardly hear you.
-CAPTAIN: Hello?
-Yes, I'm calling Hello?
This is Graham Cheese.
I'm afraid I can't get
to the phone at the moment,
but if you leave a message,
I'll get back to you
as soon as I can.
CAPTAIN: Hello? Yes.
This is the Captain calling
from Spirited Life Insurance.
-I was calling
KITTY: Ugh. Come on.
We haven't got time for this.
Photos are just
in my bedside cabinet.
LUCY: Oh, my goodness.
This place is huge!
-ALISON: Um, I think I'm just
gonna put some music on.
Not that one. Not that one.
That one.
LUCY: Haven't heard
this in a while.
Anyway, it's this way.
THOMAS: It's strange.
I really do feel as though
we've met before.
Great, come on, Pat.
We are seeds.
Okay. All right, seeds is it?
And lean.
Right, Mr Cheese.
To recap your assets,
you have your house.
The circus in Bavaria.
And you have 12 sons.
-She's just had another one.
Little boy.
We're gonna call him Cheddar.
No, I'm sorry.
This is all getting very silly.
-I'm not playing anymore.
-HUMPHREY: Oh, don't be
It's a big family.
May I ask what
thought you've given
to their inheritance?
BOTH: Open question, Michael.
WOMAN: Wouldn't be
straightforward for me.
You see, I have rather
a complicated family history.
Ugh, this is gonna take a while.
I see. And have you considered
making a will?
I'd have to start
at the beginning.
Well, we, uh
I was a foundling, you see.
Left in a telephone box
in Dublin.
So it wasn't until years later
that I really knew anything
about my family.
So, what was he like?
Well, I wish I could tell you,
but he passed away
when I was five.
Uh, of course. Sorry.
No. Um, well,
my mom always said that
he was the love of her life.
He was funny, and kind.
He was a good cook.
And um, what else?
-Oh, he was a terrible dancer.
You okay?
Yeah. Sorry. Just
It's just a lot
to take in.
-ALISON: It is.
PAT: Steady. Steady.
It's a lot to take in.
It certainly was for me.
Is there such thing as ghosts?
-I'm having a bad dream.
-PAT: Yeah.
I'm having a bad dream.
I can assure you,
this is only too real.
You never know. You might be
lucky, you get sucked off.
Hey I mean, it can't be real.
You're all stereotypical
ghosts, aren't you?
You got the old grey lady.
Look at you
and you're joke shop arrow.
Bloody cheek.
Oh, and here comes
the headless one, yeah.
Bravo. Very original.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm such a cliche.
All right, that's it.
I've had enough of this.
I'm getting out of here.
-He could have walked through
those tables.
-Rookie error.
Wait for it.
-Will you hold on It?
- Classic.
-Ah, no.
Come on, let's go.
-ROBIN: Twenty one.
-Forty two!
Oh, no.
Sixty seven and a half.
-Yes. It doesn't make
sense, does it?
JULIAN: See you later, losers!
One hundred!
Oh, what is wrong with me?
Why does my heart pound?
Why do I ache so?
Mary, what is your opinion?
My My opinion?
Yes. As a woman.
-A loose woman?
-if you like.
So, what ails me?
Oh, be there something new
on thy plate?
Go on.
When I was three and 20,
my mother did grow fennel.
Oh, how I loved it so.
I ate nothing but
fennel for weeks.
Sparing the onions.
But all the while, I did have
a terrible time on the stool,
but did not know why.
It was the fennel, of course.
Well, it isn't fennel.
I can't eat anything.
Lucy is my fennel.
My God, you're right.
I'm hopelessly in love
with fennel.
I must tell onions Alison.
-And we fly to the left.
And we fly to the right.
And rainbow and down.
Great. I'm off to see
what Alison's
up to with that girl.
Well, hang on.
We've only just started.
I could teach you a few moves
if you like.
I was a regional
dance finalist,
you know.
Well, they say mashed potato.
Easy That's it
Now we're cooking spuds.
Okay. Let's try this one.
Oh, that's right.
Don't forget to transfer
your weight.
I got loads of moves.
Dice it and dice it.
Dice it, dice it.
Car wash.
Nice. Oh. Oh.
How about this? Oh.
-What can you see
through your fingers?
Ha! Ha! Ha!
Groovy, shimmer, shimmer.
Stop. Stop. You can breathe.
-That's it. Yeah.
You be careful what you reveal
to this young lady.
Don't let her be seeing
where you keep your papers,
passport and so on.
-Um, it's just down there
on the right.
Before you know it,
she'll be traveling
the world, all expenses paid,
-paid by you.
-What are you talking about?
I had tickets
for a luxury cruise.
Trip of a lifetime.
First class, upper decks.
But I arrived in Southampton
to find that apparently,
-there was already
a Lady Button aboard.
Damn certain it was a young lady
who came to the house
looking for a housekeeping
when there wasn't one.
Used my identity
to cheat her way
onto the Titanic.
-Hang on. The Titanic?
The Titanic sank.
Aren't you glad
you weren't on it?
People forget that
before the iceberg,
it was a perfectly
pleasant trip.
So, you did go?
No. I've seen
the motion picture.
And you wouldn't catch me
letting some American oik
paint my breasts.
I don't see how any of this
is relevant.
All I'm saying is beware.
Be very wa
You mark my words, young lady.
-Alison, there you are.
- Great, you too.
-Can you just
-I'm afraid what I have to say
may come as a shock to you.
And it's not your fault.
Our time together
has been a paradise.
God, this is hard.
I know it's harder for you,
but I cannot deny
my heart has changed.
And I must leave you.
Metaphorically, of course.
I'll still live in the house.
-No problem.
I was working in the home,
I struck up a friendship
with this particular lady,
you see?
We just connected.
I used to talk to her
when I brought lunch
to her room and so on.
And one day she told me
her greatest regret.
What was it?
It was that when she was
a young girl,
she had a baby
-she had to give up.
And I still get goosebumps now
remembering it.
-I knew, I just knew.
-She was.
Yes, she was my mother.
-She was her mother.
-That's incredible.
-I couldn't believe
-Oh Mother.
- I know.
We're one big, happy family.
I've got seven grandchildren
and another one on the way.
♪Saturday night Saturday night
♪Saturday night
Saturday night ♪♪
-you look so much
better with your legs out.
-Thank you.
Don't you have
to walk and see Alison?
-Go ahead.
Dear Father,
Please, God,
take pity on the loose women.
Their respites be so worried.
Dear Lord, please send them.
It is done.
What's done?
The honourable thing.
It was the right thing to do,
was it not?
I could not pretend
I was not changed,
after all, I've not felt
this way since
Well, since Alison
came into my life.
So modern, so spirited,
so charming.
Was I hasty?
Perhaps I love them both. No.
Do I?
Say something about fennel
or something.
Oh, fennel. Yeah, well,
-It's a root vegetable.
Grows in soil.
You got the bulb.
They got lovely long shoots
and very pretty flowers
on the end.
Thrives in well drained soil.
Bit like celery.
Always love celery.
Same family as fennel.
Same family.
Of course. How could I be
so rash?
It is Alison.
I see in Lucy
the reflection
of the same creation,
the same fair qualities.
It does not mean
I have stopped loving onions.
Far from it.
Thank you, Mary.
Such insight into
matters of the heart.
-Thank you again.
You're welcome.
He's always speaking
of vegetables.
to tell us about
her new album.
-Plus, we'll be discussing
Meghan Markle's makeup
Praise be, they
have been pardoned.
They've been pardoned.
WOMAN: Goodness,
I've been prattling on,
haven't I?
-No, no, no. Not at all.
-Not at all. Not at all.
Maybe I get that
from my mother.
Who knows?
Anyway, you wanted to
talk to me about insurance.
Well, actually,
-I don't work
for the company anymore.
Yeah, I thought it might be
a bit exploitative, so
-I quit.
-Are you sure that's wise?
-For you, Mike,
-a man of principle.
-MIKE: Yeah.
Well, I suppose I better go,
start looking for a new job.
Well, I don't know
if you'd be interested.
But I know my niece
has a position she needs
to fill in her company
and I think you could be
just the ticket.
-She needs someone
-Well played, Michael.
dealing with people.
-Just the ticket.
-Thanks so much
for hearing me out.
-Oh, yeah.
I know this must've come
as a huge shock.
Yeah, you can say that again.
Can I give you my number?
-And that way, it's up to you
if you wanna catch up.
Alison, there you are.
Forget everything
I said earlier.
-I'm sorry if I hurt you.
I'd really like to
get to know you,
if you want that too.
-Yeah, yeah,
-You don't have to say
anything now.
You need time to think.
Thank you.
-Bye for now.
-Bye, bye, bye.
Goodbye, forever, potentially.
Which would be fine,
because it's you I love,
and only you.
Has she gone?
How did it go?
-Oh, no.
-KITTY: Pat? Where's he gone?
PAT: She is a dance machine!
She can't stop!
BOTH: You're not gonna believe
what just happened to me.
-Try me.
I just said goodbye to someone
who showed up to tell me
she's my half-sister.
Yeah, yours is better.
Apparently, before he met
my mum,
my dad and her mum had a thing.
Then they split up
and he didn't know
she was pregnant.
Do you find that
hard to believe?
Oh, yeah, but not
after the story I just
heard on the phone.
Just because something's crazy,
it doesn't mean
it can't be true.
Yeah, I find it all
rather convenient.
Wouldn't you agree, Julian?
My name is Julian Fawcett,
and I'm a
-You can do it.
I'm a ghost.
-Well done.
-You admit it.
Take a seat.
You'll find there is a fun side
to being cut off indefinitely
from the life you lived
and the people you loved.
-We were just about
to play charades.
Not really my bag, huh?
Anyone want to play chess?
Oh, yeah.
-All right.
Do you know how?
Could learn.
I suppose you got time, right?
-Well, these little ones
are called pawns.
And Pawn.
What's that?
No. Well, I mean,
if I could accept
that I was dead
I mean, I could accept
I can see dead people.
Doesn't seem that
farfetched at all.
Looks like I've a sister.
MIKE: Yeah.
How was your day?
-I quit.
Then I got a better job.
-All right. You have been busy.
-PAT: Oh.
I'm free now
if you want me to take over.
No, that's all right.
Pat's my dance partner now.
He taught me the mashed potato,
the chicken dance
and the banana split.
That's a balanced meal.
Come on, Pat.
We've got to polish
our routine.
God, no!
-KITTY: Come on.
-Have mercy.
-FANNY: Huh.
And where have you been?
Well, I've been with
young Michael and Mr Cheese
I mean Humphrey.
No, I've learned a thing
or two, actually.
There are times
when one must go against
the grain,
make one's own decisions,
-rather than simply
following orders.
-Oh, fetch the others.
It's time
for my talk of the day.
Fanny is funny.
Thomas. Patrick, Mary, on me.
Still fancy that game?
So, a
-JULIAN: Uh-huh.
-He goes with
JULIAN: Prawn.
You okay.
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