Ghosts (2019) s03e03 Episode Script

The Woodworm Men

Help! Help! There'd be
creatures in there.
Strange men
with heads of flies.
-Oh, Mary.
-We all knew they were
coming today.
-But they scared me.
-Everything scare you.
Am I right?
Yeah, it's true. You'd be scared
of a teddy bear if it spoke.
Actually that is quite scary,
but you know what I mean.
You're a scaredy-cat.
What be they?
Oh, they're just woodworm men.
Woodworm men?
What are you all
doing out here?
You don't have to stay out.
Only me and Mike.
Did the woodworm men
banish you?
Well, no. Yeah, they're, uh,
they're fumigating.
Yeah, it means we can't go
back in because
if we inhale their mist,
then we'll, I don't know, like,
die or something?
Look, you guys can go back in.
I've turned all the pages
in your books and the
chessboard is on the table.
-I shall miss you.
-THOMAS: Terribly.
-Thank you.
The TV's on the movie
channel and Kitty,
Grease is on at 4:00.
-I think you'll love it.
-How lovely.
What time is it now?
-Oh, 9:00
-Gosh! I'd better hurry.
Would be nice to have
some peace and quiet for once
without Michael's popular music
blasting on the speakers.
Hang on. Is that a tent?
You're going camping?
Yeah, we're camping here.
Oh goodness gracious!
You sleeping outside by choice?
Yeah, it would save us money.
Plus it's fun.
It's fun until a wolf
eats your eye.
-My cousin.
Yeah. Yeah,
I always used to enjoy
a night under the canvas
on manoeuvres and so on.
Bracing fresh air, camaraderie,
horseplay in the lake, you know?
Sure about this?
Uh, are you sure about this?
I'm just saying we could still
get a hotel, if you prefer.
Yes! Hotel. Luxury, walls,
windows, roof.
-ALISON: This will be fun
-MIKE: Hmm.
-Mike's not very outdoorsy.
-Huh? What's that?
I am outdoorsy, actually.
Proper outdoorsy.
Just so you know.
Why does he always talk to us
as if we're up in the air?
You left Glastonbury
to find a toilet.
This again.
What about that wedding?
-That was camping.
-That was clamping.
The yurts were already put up.
We had a four poster bed
and a minibar.
Yeah, outside. It's camping.
-He wouldn't last long in
national service, would he?
-BOTH: No.
I'd probably have to phone his
mum, get her to pick him up
in the middle of the night.
-Having a laugh, are you,
with your little dead mates?
Yeah, well, fine!
You can have the last laugh.
MAN: Get into the corners,
do it right, and then won't
be back for ten years.
Woodworm men,
woodworm men,
begone with your foulings then.
Not outdoorsy. I'll show you.
Oh You
Oh, cryptic.
Eight letter, occupied anatomy.
Occupied anatomy?
What are you up to?
-JULIAN: Napping.
Well, good.
Make sure you keep
the noise down.
I'm reading.
-Oh, here we go.
Yes. I wondered how long
it would take for you
to resort to name calling.
Eight letter.
Occupied anatomy, busy body.
Well, quiet.
Just make sure
you keep it down.
-But here busybody.
-Very good.
Now, as ranking officer,
I suggest a full inventory
before you start.
Patrick, at the double.
Quick smart.
All right.
Sleeping bag, sleeping mat,
mallet, tent pegs.
I know. And what's that there?
Oh that's a puller.
Yes, that's for the tent pegs.
-Yes, uh, yes, I knew that.
Just checking.
Camping in your own backyard.
I would have taken you to Paris,
drink the finest wines
and marvel at the view
from the steps of Monmouth.
-All right.
-Where's the ground sheet?
-You're missing a ground sheet.
-Oh, it's built-in.
Fascinating modern age
we live in.
What's that for?
What's that?
This is my tent.
That's your tent.
We'll see who's outdoorsy.
-It's like 80 years old.
-Nothing but a number.
-Fine vintage.
I'm pitching my tent
over there.
ALISON: Okay, good luck.
Good luck to you.
I don't need it.
ALISON: They do.
Don't you worry, Alison.
You're going to win
this competition hands down.
-With my expertise
-And mine.
And your ability to
follow orders, then uh
Oh, no.
What am I gonna do now?
-Ah, yes. Well, I'm afraid
without a strong main mast
-Ridge pole.
Uh, you're just left with
the floppy flappy thing.
Fly sheet, and have you
really put up a tent?
Or have you just ordered
other people about?
That's beside the point.
Without a strong and sturdy
ridge pole, you'll never be
able to get it up.
You'll have to admit defeat
and join forces with Michael.
There's more than one way
to make a shelter,
and we've got plenty
of useful kit.
Come on.
-Where are we going?
-The woods.
-There's nowt sturdier
than trees.
-Come on.
-Okay. Pat.
Yes. Well, I suppose he does
have some expertise in camping.
Sorry, I would help,
but I physically can't.
ALISON: Yeah, I know, Thomas.
Thank you.
MARY: Get out! Get out!
Get out! Get out!
Get out!
Get out. Get out!
Get out! Get out! Get out!
Get out! Get out!
Well, it was worth a try,
I suppose
MAN: Stay with us
on the family movie channel
because coming up at 4:00
we have the classic
musical Grease.
And what are you up to, Kitty?
I'm going to watch Grease.
-You want to watch it with me?
-Of course not.
Alison says I'll like it.
It's starting in a few hours.
Not going to be running around
the house singing or anything,
are you?
No, Just watching.
All right.
Well, don't turn it up.
-I can't.
-Well, make sure you don't.
-I can't.
-Well, good.
Right, you want the peg at
an angle away from the centre.
-Lovely. That's it, right.
-First class.
-PAT: Moving on.
-Nice and tight round there.
-Very good.
-That's it.
That's marvellous.
-Get it under the
That's it.
Now, extra point
for who can tell me
what this knot is called.
Uh, well, that's a reef knot.
No, it's a clove hitch.
Damn it, and blast it to hell.
That's it.
Pull it nice
and firmly, Alison.
-PAT: Yeah.
-Yes. There she goes.
Oh, wow.
-Lovely. Tie it off.
CAPTAIN: Make sure
she's tied nice and firmly.
PAT: Very good.
-Dead smart that, isn't it?
-Wonder how
Mike's getting on.
-Oh. I'm on it.
What are you doing down there?
He can't see you, mate.
Sorry, it's the old
training kicking in, so
How's he getting on?
No, he's hopeless.
PAT: Modern men, eh?
CAPTAIN: Well, quite.
Alison's got this
competition sewn up.
Quickly. Now, remember,
we need nice, dry ones.
Um, like this one?
Yes. Excellent.
Well, there's got some good ones
here, and over here, please.
Can anyone tell me why we use
the small sticks first?
Uh, yes please.
Well, they catch quicker.
The greater surface area
allowing the oxygen
to feed the flames.
Yes, Captain. Very good
answer. Gold star.
Well, there we are.
Now that's excellent.
That is first class.
Oh, yes. Here we go.
-Feed it, feed it.
-Feed it, feed it.
Firm blows, Alison,
firm blows.
Now on family movies,
it's over to Rydell High
with the Pink Ladies
and the T-Birds
in the classic musical,
At last!
This is the best bit, you know.
Everything's up.
Fire's going, got your brew
and got your biscuit.
You gonna dip it?
Yeah, okay.
Dip it again.
-Lovely that.
Yeah, this is nice actually.
You always make the best
of a situation.
One of the many things
I love about you.
But the truth is,
a woman of your culture,
your sophistication,
deserves to see the world.
You travelled a lot then?
Oh, have I?
I have. My grand tour
you might call it.
Chasing the muse across
Europe in search
of inspiration.
Paris, Venice, Vienna.
Different sights,
sounds and smells
to inspire the bubbling
cauldron of language
to paint the landscape
with words.
What was Vienna like?
Really Nice.
Nice? Hm.
Very Nice.
You got fire?
Yeah. How you getting on?
Good. Actually, I, uh,
I'm gonna do my fire next.
-Just came to make sure
you're all right.
-She's fine.
-Yeah. Great.
-Thank you.
-No worries.
-You okay?
-See ya.
-Uh, watch out for the, uh
Saw it.
He didn't.
Can you stop?
I can't enjoy them if you're
looking at me like that.
MARY: You are not
welcome here.
Begone, you servants
of Beelzebub.
KITTY: Oh, Mary,
you simply must
watch Grease with me.
All the boys have wet hair
and they sing about their cars.
Well, let's see if we can
find something a bit
more adult, shall we?
Ha-ha. Oh.
Now, we return
-Never any fun around here.
-to a Nightmare
on Elm Street.
KITTY: Don't worry,
I'll tell you the whole
story later.
It was the worst
-dream I've ever had.
Danny's changed his hair.
PAT: How's the
competition doing?
Well, he's trying to light
the firewood without
tinder or kindling.
Oh, very good, Captain.
I hope he likes the cold
because he's going to be cold.
Oh, dear.
Oh, I could blow that
over and I've got asthma.
And I'm dead.
FANNY: Just about had enough
of all this.
Oh, can't bear it.
Oh, for goodness sake,
fallen off your body again,
have you?
I suppose you want me
to put you back.
I've got better things to do,
you know, than traipse
around the
Thank God for that.
-ROBIN: Willy-shaped dude.
-JULIAN: Bishop.
He goes to take lighthouse.
MARY: Shoo!
Evil creatures, begone.
Get out. Get out.
They shed their skin
like serpents.
That showed you.
I'm not a scaredy cat.
Off you go.
Stupid, scaring us.
But what if they return?
Let no servants of Satan
prey on people
who live in this house.
May this house be sturdy
from the woodworm men.
Let no demons
cross these walls.
Let no servants of Satan
prey on people
who live in this house.
Come on.
Wonder what got her goat.
Probably, just scared
of the dark.
Suppose we ought
to investigate.
I know it was too much to ask
that you quietly
Kitty? Where
How peculiar. Kitty?
JULIAN: Hello?
ROBIN: Anybody there?
Although, I mean
there's no need to go
all the way to
-What's the point
of going all the way up there?
-Something silly.
Maybe we should go
and see the others together.
BOTH: Let's go together.
-Spaghetti napolitana?
-From a tin.
What a fascinating
modern age we live in.
Italian food didn't always
agree with me.
Oh, did you say
you went to Venice?
What was it like?
I always wanted to go.
Oh. Very Nice.
Nice. Again.
Nothing more specific.
Well, you have to remember.
It was 200 years ago.
I can't remember
every single detail.
Sounds like you can't
remember any details.
Fine. I'll tell you the truth.
You didn't go.
No, I did. I did go.
I saw the most celebrated
sights of Europe.
I just wasn't inspired.
No matter how beautiful
the landscape, nothing came.
I returned home
with an empty notebook.
You must have got
something from it.
MAN: Signore.
THOMAS: Sorry.
Un momento, per favore.
MAN: Signore.
Carol always wanted
to go to France.
I said you don't need to go
abroad to have a nice holiday.
-We haven't seen half of this
beautiful country yet.
PAT: But she had her
heart set on it.
So, I decided to book it
for our anniversary.
-That's lovely.
-PAT: Yeah.
We didn't go in the end.
-Oh, no, why?
-Because I was dead, Alison.
I was dead.
Here you all are.
Thank goodness.
The lights went out
in the house.
Oh. That's strange.
And the TV turned off.
Oh, sorry, Kitty.
That's okay. I wasn't much
enjoying it anyway.
Oh, I thought you'd
really like it.
High school romance.
Yes, but I didn't like
the man chasing the girl.
Well, he's the
man of her dreams.
Yes, and he won't stop
until he gets her.
That's what
being in love is like.
You should wait till the end.
Because then she
starts chasing him.
Does she?
I hope she gets him.
Then we can all sleep again.
ROBIN: Hey, everybody.
-How is it hanging?
-Oh, look, hi, guys.
There she is, Robin,
she's right there,
so she's okay.
Ah. We heard you
screaming, Kitty.
Just wanted to make sure
you're okay.
-ROBIN: Yeah.
-I'm fine. Thank you.
So you can go back
in now if you like.
-We're here now, by the fire.
-Um It's okay.
Cosy wosy.
Sorry. I thought you said
camping was a stupid
idea, Robin.
Don't think so.
Must be another caveman.
It's creepy in the woods
at night, isn't it?
-No, I really love it.
-Is it?
Hey, since we're all around
the campfire, we should tell
ghost stories.
-Good idea, yeah.
-I would embrace that.
What's the matter, Alison?
Oh come on.
You're ghosts.
What? So we can't
tell ghost stories?
Well, no. I'm not
Oh, yeah, Yeah, go on, Pat.
Well, this one's actually
a true story actually.
It's about my friend, Susan.
Susan and I used to walk home
together from school.
She didn't have a dad,
and her mum used to work
late sometimes.
So she used to
have to let herself in.
She had this little game
she played with her doggy,
you know, to let him know that
it was her when she got home.
She'd stick her hand in the
letterbox and he'd give
it a lick, you know.
Well, one day
Here you go, mate.
-Nice one. Cheers, mate.
She slowly crept up
the stairs, all the while
she could hear it.
She felt cold suddenly.
She reached out her hand
and the door creaked open.
And there it was, a figure,
standing, facing the wall.
Slowly, very slowly it began
to turn towards her until
she could finally
see it's face.
-It wasn't a
-MARY: Alison.
Mary, you gave us a fright.
Well, the woodworm
men have gone
and I've blessed the house.
Oh, thank you.
Thanks, Mary. That's great.
Uh Where they've gone?
Oh, yeah.
Uh. Robin!
Robin where are you?
Where are you, Robin?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Good night then, guys.
-Good night.
-Good night.
I'm not comfortable, Patrick.
Are you comfortable?
I don't mind swapping with you.
I'm all settled in now, mate.
Can we talk some more, please?
I don't want to go to sleep.
Kitty, please.
We can't stay up all night.
-But if I dream, then
-Just try to imagine
the man from the film
wrapping you up in his arms.
PAT: Daley used
to have nightmares.
Used to try and get in bed
with me and Carol. Walked in
on us once when we were
Guys. Can we just
Can we Can we go
to sleep, please?
-Just Just no more talking.
-All right.
What happened
to Susan, Patrick?
PAT: She was never seen again.
She moved to Leeds.
We had a chap from
Leeds in our unit.
Or was it Halifax?
Who is Susan?
Oh, Patrick will tell you
the story.
Oh, yes. Well
This one's
a true story, actually.
-Happened to a friend of mine.
Susan. We used to walk
after school together.
She didn't have a dad
and her mum used
to work late sometimes,
so she had this little
game she played with her doggy.
Hmm. Who's that?
Just getting in.
Move up. Thanks.
-Well done.
-You win.
-No. Yours is way better.
Mmm-mmm. Disqualified.
I had help.
Mr. Outdoorsy.
It's all my fault.
I pretended we were fine and
now I'm scared of everything.
I don't want to die out here.
I mean, I have already, but
Wait, when I was alive,
was much to be scared of,
but I know what make
feel safe. Come on.
PAT: Carol, Carol.
ALISON: Oh, Kitty.
You've been awake all night?
I was scared the man
from Grease would get me
in my dreams.
-Danny Zuko.
-The other man.
-Freddie Krueger.
Oh, no.
I think I know what happened.
Lovely, isn't it?
-It is.
I was just thinking
it ought to be dull
and commonplace.
Same sunrise over the same
house, in the same tiny
piece of England.
Every day for 200 years.
-But it is beautiful.
I travelled miles and was
unchanged when I could have
been here and transported.
It's no fault of the sun
if the eye sees not its beauty.
That was really poetic, Thomas.
The sun, the sun,
you rise when night is done
like a big yellow bun.
Come, sweet sun.
Let us have fun.
Must weigh a tonne.
Um, Alison, just a moment.
You have been exemplary.
And so, I'd like to present you,
if I could, with your Camping,
Forester and Fire
Safety badges.
Oh, thank you, Pat.
Oh, and Captain.
-What, me?
You have shown a wonderful
attitude, enthusiasm,
and a keen interest.
And so, I present to you
the Teamwork award.
It's a very high honour.
Come on.
ALISON: Oh, that's where
you got to last night.
What were you doing in there?
They were scared, Alison.
We were not scared.
We just wanted to some camping.
You know, Robin style,
in the cave.
You don't want
the rain coming.
In the cave there, you see.
MARY: Scaredy cats.
Morning, Lady B. You okay?
ALISON: Julian, did you change
the channel on the TV?
Because Kitty saw
something adult.
Kitty? What's the code?
FANNY: Good morning, everyone.
Back from your little
adventure, are we?
And what's on
the agenda today?
Food club visit or what
I'd wear if I could today.
Ah, can we not forgo?
We're all a bit tired, Fanny.
Bed, at this time?
Never have I known
such a feckless bunch
of good-for-nothings.
Hmm, that's better.
Oh, Alison, don't forget
the boiler man's
coming at 2:00.
The boiler man?
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