Ghosts (2019) s03e04 Episode Script

I Love Lucy

Well, there are lots
of exciting options,
but I like sex on the beach.
Is that vodka based, or
Oh, we're talking about drinks.
It'd be a port and lemon for me.
Bitter top.
You said it, mate.
What if it was puddle water
mixed with river water?
It's still not a cocktail,
-It's all I've ever drunk.
-PAT: Right.
And seeing as
Mary doesn't partake
'Tis devil's juice.
that just about wraps up
our inaugural Cocktail Society.
-Cock Soc?
We're not calling it that name.
When I was fuck duct
as CO of
Those aren't real words.
it was the highlight
of our week
-on a Friday night.
♪What a day it is ♪♪
Is that me?
Good morning, good morning!
Oh, Kitty,
what pretty hair you have today.
And Robin,
looking very sprightly.
And a lovely smile, as always,
from my dearest Pat-a-Cake.
What just happened?
-Unknown pages seven and nine.
-ALISON: Okay.
Hmm. Nice.
The scent. Rosewood?
That's my granola.
-ALISON: Okay.
MAN: Marvellous.
Well, your driveway is now
officially your driveway.
Sorry again.
This really should have
come up in our searches.
-Ah, these things happen.
-To us.
Hopefully, we won't find
any more skeletons in the, uh
we should get going.
My sister's coming over.
Uh, sis Sister?
I didn't think you had a sister.
Oh, yeah.
No, recent development.
Yeah. Erm, long-lost sister.
Well, actually, half-sister.
-And which half
or on which side?
-My dad's.
Older, younger?
Uh, older.
Oh, dear!
Oh, dear, dear,
dear, dear, dear!
Uh, is there
is there a problem?
Well, she may have
a claim to the estate,
so either you'd have
to buy her out
which you don't have
the money for
or sell the house
and split the proceeds.
Admittedly, that's
the worst-case scenarios,
but it's a very
serious situation.
I mean So what can we do?
Well, first things first,
you need to confirm
her identity.
A birth certificate, at least,
-if not a DNA test.
-A DNA test?
Uh, you're not serious.
I'm always serious.
Ask my wife.
I know Fanny better
than any of you.
She does have
a lighter side in her.
Not that light.
No, something's up.
Perhaps she's unwell.
She's dead, Kitty.
There you are then.
Perhaps she has been possessed.
There's no such thing
as possession.
Well, there's no such thing
as ghosts, but
MIKE: Well, can we just drop it
in conversationally?
Oh, yeah. "Oh, hi, Lucy.
Nice weather.
-"Can I test your DNA?"
Look, she might not even
want the house.
He did say that was just
worst-case scenario.
He knows he screwed up
the driveway thing,
so he's just being
super cautious, right.
Anyway, we'll get back to work.
Hey, look at me.
I've got the kind of work that
people have gotta get back to.
-I'm really proud as a person.
Don't know whether to be
proud or depressed.
Ah, Alison.
I couldn't help but overhear
-Oh, you heard.
-something about Lucy.
A test.
Yeah. I just, er,
I've to sort of confirm
she is who she says she is.
You mean like a spy?
-No, that's That's not
-Now, I happen to have
a very particular set of skills
-when it comes to rooting out
bad apples.
If someone wanted,
someone could conduct
some covert surveillance
on a certain someone
if someone didn't want to get
their hands dirty,
if you know what I mean.
I don't want you
to spy on my sister,
if that's what you mean.
So you don't want me
to spy on her. Jolly good.
No, no, no, really.
Captain, I really
-I really don't want you
to spy on her.
I don't I'm just
I'm just gonna talk to her
and, you know,
ask for some clarity
and, er, some ID
and a DNA swab,
and then just ruin
our relationship before
we've even
Okay, actually,
do you know what?
Maybe a little
light surveillance
wouldn't be the worst idea.
Okay, do it.
Do you mean,
do it as in "don't do it,"
or do it as in, "do it"?
-Do it.
-So Don't.
-No, do.
Er, all right.
-Did, erm Don't?
-Jolly good. All right.
-Sorry. Is that actual don't
-How did we win the war?
All right, young lady.
All right.
I'll make it simple for you.
If you want to green light
this mission,
say, "Eiderdown."
-Eiderdown. Oh.
For God's sake.
-All right.
We'll soon find out
if she's a German.
I mean, she is
who she says she is.
Good luck.
-Thank you?
Right. Let's get in
amongst them.
Stop it!
Well, I'm bored.
I miss the office, the banter,
the secretaries,
whirr of the faxes.
The secretary's photocopier.
The secretaries
on the photocopier.
Do you know
what a line manager is?
Because mine's very serious.
-Yeah, I'm sure that you find
this stuff hilarious.
-What's up with him?
Ah, he's just being a square.
He's having a square meal.
And he's off to a square dance
in Trafalgar Square.
So please, just begone.
-Oh, my!
- Like bum!
Yes, exactly like bum.
Just stop it, all right?
Or I'm telling Alison.
-BOTH: Ooh!
-Thank you.
No, no, no, no, no.
-That's sent, that's sent.
Oh, joy, the other one.
To think my head was turned
-by such a pale imitation
of perfection.
So nice she's back.
When is she leaving?
She's staying the night.
-A sleepover?
-Which I'm fine about, actually.
Not jealous at all.
The opposite of jealous.
If anything, I'm happy.
And if you see me crying,
it's because I'm so happy.
I'm gonna kill him.
I'm gonna resurrect him
and I'm gonna kill him.
-ALISON: Robin.
-It wasn't me.
So I'm typing an email, right?
To my boss,
and, oh, Mr. Funny Fingers
starts messing
with the keyboard,
changing words to rude words.
Made "annual" review
"anal" review.
-Like bum.
Yes. No, that
That's not funny
at the end of the day.
I mean, you can't.
-You really can't.
-I asked him to stop.
I begged him.
And what does he do?
Puts a kiss on it.
-"Best wishes, Michael. Kiss."
And we do not have that
kind of relationship at all.
Okay. Yeah, he really
shouldn't have done that,
but I doubt they'll
even notice.
Well, she better not.
Or I'll
You'll what, mate?
-What are you gonna do?
Oh, it's so hard
to threaten dead people!
-ROBIN: Yeah, keep walking.
-Was funny.
-Really funny.
-It's given me a stitch.
-Hey. How are you?
-Hello. It's so, so, lovely
-Sorry. Sorry.
Ah, I feel nothing.
Less than nothing.
Oh, I thought you were only
coming for only one night.
Oh, yeah. I always overpack.
Dressing gown, slippers,
couple of books.
What are you reading?
-Just some poetry.
-All right.
Love looks not with the eyes,
but with the mind.
And therefore is winged Cupid
painted blind.
Thomas, if you could just
dial down the flirting
while my sister's here please,
because it's
And if you just go through,
we're heading up the stairs
to the blue room.
Oh, and I brought this for you.
-Well, for us.
-Ah Sancerre
A woman of taste.
MARY: I know the voice speaks.
I'm telling to you,
Fanny be bedevilled.
I saw her head make turns
a full circle.
Well, no, but she did that
and she did that.
So how long
till they meet in the middle?
-Normally, we just pick
the nicest lady for it.
Bless you.
What a charming young lady.
So polite.
-Oh, her you like.
Er, I heard you like to do
Do you Do you like
to travel? Er, is
-Erm, when I can.
-I just got back from Berlin.
-I knew it. She's German.
-I did a bit of house hunting.
Oh no, we're not doing that,
are we? Carry on.
But a demon wouldn't
make her act happy, Mary.
They're not jolly things,
Oh I don't know, vice
decadent fornication.
Nice work if you can get it.
-Be gone, foul demon!
Mary, you gave me a start.
Oh, you are a card.
Right, something's up.
I'm gonna find out
exactly what it is, young lady.
-Old lady. Lady.
-FANNY: Patrick.
I'm afraid I have no idea
to what you might be
MARY: Be not fooled!
She being the throne
of some chucklesome imp.
I'm quite sure there's been
no change to my out
I recognise that glint
in your eye.
I've seen it many times,
in mirrors.
You're having an affair.
I am not!
How dare you
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Hang on, hang on.
Well, she ghost, huh?
So she could only, erm,
with other ghost, yeah?
Which means whoever she
must be someone in this room.
Well, the Captain.
Someone in this room.
Ever get lost in here?
Well, no, I mean,
you get used to
Yeah. Yes, actually.
Yeah, yeah, all the time.
It's awful. It's actually
too big, if anything.
There's so much space.
Yet also quite small,
weirdly, once you're in.
It's sort of one of those places
better to visit then to
Well, anyway, you're
You're in here.
Oh, my
-Well, it's a bit bleh.
I'll let you get settled in.
I'll see you downstairs in 10?
-Okay. All right.
-Oh, my God.
Excellent. Square room.
One exit.
I'll keep her on night watch.
Fingers crossed
for a little pillow talk.
Well no,
cause she's on the row
so there won't be
any pillow talk.
You do know what pillow talk is?
Talking to your pillow.
Who talks to their pillow?
Yes. Yes.
I mean I mean, who on earth
would do something like that?
Er Uh-huh.
Doesn't mention the kiss.
No thanks to you.
Could've been Mikey No Job.
Then what besides
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
Two kisses. That's a kiss
more than my kiss.
What does that mean?
Do I reply with three kisses?
I can't do no kisses
after two kisses.
If I reply with three,
does she reply with four?
Where does this end?
You see what you've done?
Huh? You see,
your actions have consequences.
Yeah, you walk around this house
touching stuff, pushing stuff.
Fanny Button, how dare you!
I mean, I've had my dalliances,
hasn't everyone?
Even I draw the line somewhere.
I think the lady doth
protest too much,
Oh, no, there. Those who say
man who point finger
PAT: Me? I've never even
thought about it.
Well, I did have one dream,
but in my defence,
she had your head.
What about Thomas?
-Where is he all of a sudden?
He's only got eyes for Alison.
No, no, no, no, no.
Did you miss me?
JULIAN: It's not me.
No way Jose.
Could be him. Could be the ape.
The ape?
Not a demon.
It be no demon!
-I did see Fanny
locked in a tryst.
She have herself a boy cock.
A fancy man.
-ROBIN: Ooh!
-Ah, told you!
Well, who is it?
It be
ALL: Huh?
No, it's not.
Not that bit
-ALL: Huh?
-You see.
-It's complicated.
You're telling me?
Ah, changing for dinner?
Well, yeah, I'm trying to,
but, Thomas,
we've spoken about this, okay?
-You can't be in here
when I'm trying to
-Nice to make an effort
when one has guests.
Is she not around, Lucy? Hmm?
Oh, no, no.
I put her in the blue room.
Now if you don't mind.
I'm actually trying to
get ready for my evening.
Look, I appreciate it.
-Maybe a little unorthodox.
-HUMPHREY: Unorthodox?
It's not like you're courting
my brother or something.
That's me!
PAT: Okay, okay, okay.
Let's not lose our heads.
-No offence.
Fanny, is it not possible
that you feel so drawn
to that bit of Humphrey
because he doesn't argue with,
judge or upset you?
What, with him
not having a head.
-He's got a head.
Look, you can think
what you like.
I know how I feel.
I am in love
with some of this man,
and I don't care who knows it.
Good for you, girl,
Hmm, interesting.
Most interesting.
Very interesting.
You know what?
Honesty is the best policy.
No, no.
Policy and honesty.
Two very different things, mate.
MIKE: Kisses.
Just to clear up any confusion,
I want you to know
there was a typo
in my previous email.
Huh. I want you
You son of a
-That's fun.
That's fun.
It's fun, it's fun, it's fun.
-Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.
Just a cheeky bit of fun.
It's office japes.
-Wait till she reads that.
"This is a wholly inappropriate
"use of
corporate communications.
"This is now a matter that
we will need to discuss
-"in person."
-"In person."
You got me fired.
I'm gonna get fired.
You happy now? Hmm?
I'm gonna get fired.
-Fired for that?
God, whatever next.
-No bottom patting.
Keeps happening.
LUCY: It's a sort of cafe
cum art space, I suppose.
Well that's the plan anyway.
Coffee and paint,
but not in the same cup.
Same cup.
That's, that's a really
great idea. Yeah.
And perfect location.
Were you were you born
near there or
Oh, no. No, heavens, no.
And, I mean,
it's just a small space.
I mean, compared to this.
-This is
-No it's not really.
Are you kidding?
Just look at the size
of that cooker.
It's too hot or it's too cold.
It's unreliable.
And it's unsafe, probably.
It's homely, though, isn't it?
It's like a real fire.
I like a real fire.
Oh, she's hot.
And sensitive.
Oh, yes.
Look at her
with her perfect hair
and her shiny teeth.
And her flawless skin.
I far prefer you.
-Yeah. Cheers.
HUMPHREY: If you'd have told me
400 years ago
that one day I'd be watching
my decapitated body
having an affair
with a 60-year-old dead woman,
I'd have said you were mad.
And that would be
fair enough, mate.
She does look happy, though.
I've not seen Fanny like it.
She's right.
I mean,
call me an old romantic,
but is it not possible that
there could be
something in this?
Are you having a laugh?
I'm just saying, mate,
you know,
some part of you,
well, most of you
proportionally speaking,
feels quite content
with the situation.
And likes it or not,
it'd be that bit
which have the heart.
LUCY: I never really knew
where I was with him.
He's a damn fool.
Probably put myself
back out there.
Not getting any younger?
Ah, no.
Well, I mean, you're only
-A hundred and eight?
What year were you born?
Dang, it's depressing.
I still feel like I'm 25.
Whereas of course,
in fact, you are
I'm holding up okay,
I suppose.
-I've got Dad's skin.
-Looks like we both did.
- Yeah.
Eiderdown debrief. Corridor.
Quick as you like.
I just
I gotta nip to the loo. Yeah.
I kept my dad's skin.
So here is briefing, Day 1.
The time is, erm
Right, don't have a watch.
Do you have the time?
-I Okay.
-It doesn't matter.
Present Alison Cooper
and Captain
-Great. Just great.
-What is it?
It's my boss.
She's here to fire me.
-What? Not because of
Forget what I said earlier.
Worst-case scenario,
that's what will happen.
-Every time.
-JULIAN: Oh, come along then.
ROBIN: I said no pushy.
-JULIAN: Don't mind me.
Just borrowing that.
Right. Do you want
this briefing or not?
Er, yeah, yeah, yeah, I do.
-Yeah. What did you find?
Well, for starters,
I discovered that
she carries,
secreted about her person,
a field telephone.
Do you mean a mobile?
Precisely. But that's not all.
She has this bag.
Within that bag
is a smaller bag,
and within that bag,
a bag smaller still
that contains
a stick of lipstick stick,
a tiny mirror and a comb.
just to save us both
a lot of time,
erm, is the gist of this that
you didn't find out anything
about her of any
consequence whatsoever.
Well, you wouldn't
put it quite like that
in the intelligence community,
but, er, well
Great. Great. Great.
Thank you.
Thank you so much
for your help.
-You're very welcome.
I see what you're doing.
Yeah, very clever.
I don't appreciate
that tone, Alison.
Look, if I didn't find anything,
then there wasn't
anything to find.
I can assure you,
nothing gets past me.
Throughout the entirety
of my military career,
not a single spy
ever infiltrated my unit.
Or loads did
and you just never found them.
Right. Okay, okay.
So looks like it's all up to me.
Well, I'm just gonna
have to come out and ask her.
How the hell am I gonna do this?
Now, before you say anything,
can I firstly just apologize?
-I don't mean
-Michael, stop talking.
I feel the same way.
-Come on.
No time like the present.
Right, the thing is, Lucy,
is that
I need to know if you
like tea.
Would you like some tea?
-Because I've got a range.
-Erm, yeah,
-if you're making one.
-Right, that's it.
Enough petty
fussing around, pussy.
-It's time for you
to come clean, young lady.
-The thing is,
-it's, well, it's
-Time to blow cover.
-If I could
-I'll be coming from the cold.
-The real question is
-Are you okay?
- Yeah.
ALISON: Er, I'm just
And feel free to answer
-in your native tongue.
-I just need to
KITTY: You tell her, Captain.
She's not welcome here.
How dare you insult
this gentlewoman!
-Just one second.
-THOMAS: No, no, I disagree.
It's more of like
a legal question.
-More than these
-Alison, what's going on?
No, no, I just thought
I could just print them out,
and then I won't have to
send them through.
Mike, that can wait.
I think we should talk about us.
Well, yes, actually, I think
there's been some confusion,
so I just want to be
absolutely clear.
You've made yourself
quite clear.
-All right!
The thing is,
so my solicitor has asked me,
advised me
to confirm your identity
and any, well, intentions,
er, with regards to
Well, like, in terms
of inheritance on the house.
What? I
I don't want your house.
How could you think that?
I I don't want
anything from you.
I found out I had a sister
and I wanted that.
And I thought that
you might want that.
No, I do. I just
You know what? I think
I was better off on my own.
No, Lucy, wait. I
Oh, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Your hand I I'm married.
Ooh, that's fine. So am I.
No, no, no. I'm
I'm happily married.
This was all
just a misunderstanding.
Those emails, they were typos.
I've got this annoying,
erm, keyboard,
and it cut out that line
and it added the "X."
And this is really
It's not what I meant.
Not again.
I'm sorry. I thought
you were coming here to fire me.
-I could fire you.
God, I said that out loud.
No, no, no, no,
of course I wouldn't fire you.
Not after I do it. Do
Not that I did.
Don't tell HR.
Well, that took a turn.
Hang on, surely it's me
that would
Okay, okay, okay.
If you promise to keep this
strictly between ourselves,
Here's what I can do for you.
I'm really sorry again.
Yeah. You said.
Are you sure
that you won't stay?
Because we barely had pudding.
-Just stay. Pray stay.
-LUCY: I think it's better
-if I just clear my head a bit.
-Take some time, you know?
No, let her go.
I'm better off without her.
No taste, no class.
Are you wearing lipstick?
Well, I mean,
if you're sure, then
-Are you sure?
-I'm sure.
Sure, sure?
Call me.
I think you rather snafued
the mission there, Alison.
Well, thanks and sorry.
-Long story.
I thought she was staying.
Long story.
Is it damson red?
-Yeah, yeah, it is. Yeah.
Well, thanks.
Like two crimson rivers
-curling into a turf of delta.
-ALISON: Oh, God.
PAT: Knock, knock.
-Only me.
-And me.
Er, look, Top of Humphrey,
I know you don't approve of
Please, just let me speak.
Well, I can't pretend all this
didn't take me by surprise.
But what I do know about love?
My marriage ended with me
getting me head
chopped off, so
If some part of me
likes some part of you,
then couldn't we all
just give this a chance?
Oh, dear.
I don't know
where we go from here.
If it's one thing I do know
is that love
-No. No, no.
That's ruined it for me.
Oh, and I don't know
what I ever saw in him.
And to think I was Oh!
That Oh, out of my way!
She's back.
I guess it's just you and me
Fair enough.
CAPTAIN: Interesting day.
It's so easy to make
assumptions about people
and then you find, well,
you don't really
know them at all.
Half the time
we don't even ourselves.
But I suppose that
we all have our little secrets.
Well, good night, old thing.
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