Ghosts (2019) s03e07 Episode Script

He Came!

No, no. Down a bit. Down.
No, it has to be at head height.
Erm, I find that term offensive.
Down! Is symmetry too much to ask?
Where's the tinsel?
Guys, please! Whoa!
Oh, no.
Oh, no. Ooh.
Guys, what did I miss?
Is it a good thing?
Yes, I'm sure that's how St Nicholas
would wish to be remembered!
What the heck is that?
Oh, I know, I know.
Kitty spotted it when I was looking
for lights and she was like,
"Please, please, please,
please, please, please, please,
please, please, please,
please, please, please, please,
please, please, please, please,
please, please."
OK, I get it. I get it.
It's him!
Catherine, I assure you
that Father Christmas
is not re-e-e-e-ally
in the habit
of appearing before Christmas Eve.
I mean, I think what you saw
was one of his elves
on a reconnaissance mission
tototo recce the terrain
before the primary operation.
I think you might be letting
your imagination run away with you.
Lucky Fanny, to be touched up
by such a hand.
I'll do you next!
Me? A portrait?
Oh, how I longed to be painted
in life.
What a Christmas gift that will be!
Thank you, Alison.
No, I So, what with Mike's family
not coming this year,
I thought maybe
you'd like to get involved
with one of our festive traditions.
The Button House Christmas quiz!
Yes, yes.
To be honest, we just really want
a nice, quiet Christmas this year.
Just me and Mike, without
Oh, I'll keep the questions light.
It could be something as easy
as what's the Captain's name?
We can revise. It's fine.
But for the record, his name is
What on earth?!
Yeah Oooh!
What the?
Mm. Who put that there?
Erm, excuse me
Alison! Dog in a tent!
That's a tent. Yeah.
And that's a dog.
Yeah, I get it.
Do we knock?
How do you knock a tent?
What are you doing?
What are YOU doing?
I'm listening to Talk Sport.
No, what are you doing
in our garden?
Is this is not a field?
It's a wheat
That's not the point.
You're trespassing. Mike
Right, yeah. OK.
Well, don't tell the
you know, anyone.
Yeah, all right, I'll go.
Have you got somewhere to go to,
Well, not really. Yeah, no.
Yeah, of course. Sorry.
Well, you don't have to go,
like, this minute. No?
You can you could, like,
stay for tonight.
Yeah? Just one night. Or two.
Well, that would be
Thank you. Yeah.
Well, I'm Alison, by the way.
Sorry. This is Mike. Nicholas.
Of course it is!
No, no, no, no, no.
I stay. If I here before house,
then house on my land.
Ooh! So it's Mike and Alison
would be the dress baskets!
Dress baskets. You see? Exactly.
Yeah. Interesting. Mm.
Look, you can't even see it.
But we still know it's there.
On your land. My land.
Our land. My land!
Look, I don't want to sound all
"not in my back yard,"
but you really don't want one
in your back yard.
Or front yard. Or stable yard.
Or on any other land you own.
Quite right. Layabout.
I mean, where's the discipline?
Where's the pride?
We had one behind Rumbelows
back in the day. Yeah.
Right potty mouth.
Chalky dog poos everywhere.
That's typical, I'm afraid.
Well, if you want my opinion
Oh, here we go.
I think you're all being
very unfair and judgmental.
What? Well, we have absolutely
no idea of the circumstances
that have led this gentleman
to his current situation.
Did I mention that I happened to
cross paths with Adelaide Pembroke
and her delightful daughter,
Felicity Wednesday last?
And Mother
Well, there's no need
to take that tone.
You had no idea what I was
about to say.
Felicity's getting married.
No, actually.
But, yes, as it happens. Mother.
I refuse to be drawn into
Seven years your junior,
and Gladys just strides
into matrimony with a lord.
..the same conversation Lord!
I am utterly delighted for Felicity
Pembroke and her mother.
May their smiles be as bright
as their minds are dim.
Fanny! How fortunate that the topic
of formal education never arose
in that household, since no Pembroke
woman in five generations
has had the mental capacity
to count the fingers on one hand!
Stephanie, the field of mathematics
is well served already by men.
I could help Father
with the business!
Your father is perfectly capable of
managing his own financial affairs.
Messrs Broadwick and Son
are at the door, Ma'am.
Ooh! Son
Bailiffs, Ma'am.
See? You can see it from the house.
We don't even use this room.
What even is this room?
It is my room!
Oh I suppose you're right.
A couple of days there.
Yeah, exactly. A couple of days.
And then we'll be back to our cosy
Cooper Christmas, just snuggling
by the fire with mistletoe,
mulled wine.
You and me
Still here!
Is that? Right, that's it.
Oh, my God! Mike
What was it?
Morning! Morning. No!
Excuse me! Excuse me,
where has that come from?
I'm going to go out on a limb
here and say a bottom?
Well, I hope you're not suggesting
that I
No! I mean, your dog.
Actually, where do you?
No, I mean your dog.
But why MY dog?
Haven't any of your other
neighbours got dogs?
Oh! Well, yes, actually.
It's got loads.
But that's not the point.
Well, there you go.
Cos let me assure you,
I always bag it and bin it.
I keep a very tight leash on
Rudy? Rudolph!
Alison! Captain!
Just Erm, just roughly speaking,
how much longer do you?
Thomas, I told you not to choose
that pose.
Oh, no, I'm comfortable.
Too comfortable, if anything!
I was just wondering
if YOU needed a break.
No, I've actually found
it quite relaxing.
Question 89.
Usually We all love The Beatles,
but which one is Robin's favourite?
Is it A, Stag?
B, dung? Pat
Do you think maybe this revision
is like taking some of the fun
out of the quiz?
Oh, not at all.
It should be fun. But go up
against Fanny unprepared,
and she'll eat you alive.
OK. Question 90.
Yeah, I think I might just
give this a bit of a rest. Yes.
Aahhh! Yes, you clearly needed
a little break! Yeah.
Mrs Cooper, I've been to talk
to my lawyer about how long
house been on my land.
And she tell me I's gots rights.
He's got rights, Alison.
Me cut to chase.
We do munch the numbers,
and by my calculators,
you owe me back rent of
It's a quazillion pounds
and five shillings.
Well, you've just made that number
up and you can't spend money.
Right, well,
we'll get back to you, then!
What are you doing? What we should
have done two weeks ago.
Telling the council.
There's systems in place to help
people who've got
No, I don't know about this.
Quite right.
That sort, you give them an inch,
they'll take a mile. More!
You know, we had a similar problem
with some "Right to Roam" types
at the Bramptons. I mean,
700 years is a good innings
for a public footpath.
High time it became something else.
Like my swimming pool.
Ah, well. Good to send.
Ready to send. Just press send.
Want to press send?
Look, you said a couple of days,
and it became a couple of weeks.
And now it's nearly Christmas.
Oh, well, exactly. It's Christmas.
I just I don't think we can do
this now.
It doesn't feel right. All right.
Don't make me feel like, what's his
face? You, boy! What day is it?
Michael Caine. You do know there's
a non Muppet version of that story?
Yeah, but it's not as good.
That's true.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, no. It's bad, isn't it?
It's really, really bad.
I mean, the nose is just weird.
What will I say when she gifts me
this upon Christmas morn?
I suppose you'll just have
to pretend you like it.
Like I did when Carol bought me
that creative Newkie Brown,
when she knows I like Watney's!
"Thank you, Alison,
"so much for this
Yeah. Yeah, no, I think
I think she'd know
it's not Watney'swanted.
Ah, but the truth would break her.
My opinion means so much to her.
Well, I'm not much of a fibber,
but if it's bare faced lies
you're after, you know
who you should talk to?
So what, we should just ignore him?
No, I'm not saying that,
I'm just saying,
don't get too involved.
Oh, come on, it's just a hot meal.
It's not moving in.
Although No.
It's a security risk.
We don't know anything about him.
I mean, the meal's a nice idea,
but No! My cottage pie!
Mm! Mm! Lovely.
Mm-hm. Yeah.
We've done some thoughts, and there
be a new offer on the table.
See, land is mine.
So we take bit of house
that actual touch the land,
and the bit that float in the sky
The ups the stairs.
..yours. So, deal?
OK, so how will we get to upstairs
without using downstairs?
We'll be in touch.
Knock, knock.
Oh, hello.
I was just making some
No, I'm sorry. That's a lie.
I was
I brought you a cottage pie.
I don't know if you
Oh! Oh, thank you. That's very
Thank you.
Oh, no, thank YOU.
OK. Calm
Calm. Calm. Alison?
Calm, yeah? Enjoy the meal?
Oh, er, yeah, yes.
I was talking to the dog.
Oh, right. Yeah.
Erm Look, truth be told,
I'm just not really a fan
of that kind of thing.
I mean, I appreciate
Beggars can't be choosers!
Who do really think you are?
You're a liar. I had my fill
of that kind of stuff
when I was in the forces.
Salt of the Earth.
Pride of the nation.
We owe him our thanks, actually.
I'm sorry,
I don't know why I assumed
you'd eateverything.
Happens all the time.
I lost my house, not my taste buds.
Ha-ha, ha-ha! OK, but that
is a great cottage pie.
Oh, it's really
Right, just, wait there. Wait there.
There is nothing. No-o-o-thing
that cannot be lied about.
Or rather, there is no truth
that cannot be avoided.
For example, if someone asks
you an incriminating question,
simply answer with another question.
Does that actually work?
With respect,
The question is,
do you want it to work?
You see? Oooh.
Give it a go, shall we?
Hi, Thomas. The lovely Alison here.
Little dress. Peck on the cheek,
maybe? I don't know.
Do you like the lovely painting
I've done of you?
How could one not like the effort
you put into creating
..those beady eyes
and wonky chin and the nose!
It's. OK, OK. OK, we've run
before we can walk.
Let's try another approach,
shall we?
Mm. Very resourceful.
I mean, more of a commis chef,
But, you know, shown me the ropes.
And when I got demobbed,
got myself a van,
turned it into a pizza truck.
And that led to the restaurant.
Try a bit of that.
Oh, man! That beats cottage pie!
He's got a very unrefined palate.
So if you don't mind me asking,
how did you end up?
Ah. That question.
Well, that's another thing
I learnt in the forces.
When things go south,
you very rarely see it coming.
You cannot do this! Come on, now.
Unhand it! Let it go. Unhand it!
Oh, no, it's valuable.
Come on. There you go.
Father, what in heaven's
name is going on?
Now, now, now.
There's no need for histrionics.
But they're taking away
the furniture!
It's just a storm in a teacup!
Oh, the tree!
It seems that I I mean,
the business,
has accrued a certain amount
of minor debt,
so I have facilitated a means to
recoup those losses by investment.
Sellways of Brentford. Bookmaker.
Nebworth and Son. Bookmaker.
Yes, ignore those.
Those numbers are wrong.
Trust me, my darling.
None of this adds up.
Yes, it does.
It adds up perfectly.
We have got to get some
of those Haribo beans.
Haricot. They are nice.
HE is nice.
I'll tell you what he is.
He's wise.
He's a wise man. Yeah.
And I don't use that term
No! You're kidding me! What?
There's another one. Hey!
Hey! What's all the rumpus?
Oh, I can't believe it!
Ha! Told you.
You give them an inch
That's it. I'm reporting him.
Wait. No
No, he had his chance, he's taken
us for mugs. I agree, I agree
We let him stay, we gave him food
Let him have one more night,
and if he's still there
One more night, and then in
the morning
We've said you said one
more night so many times
And then we can at least
You pressed send! I didn't press
send. YOU pressed send.
I did not press send.
Well, someone pressed send.
How dare you?!
I'm no liberal, but ejecting
a vagrant at Christmas?
I would never, ever,
stoop so low.
See? Fibbing's easy.
And he's only got himself to blame.
We've been understanding.
Very understanding.
Yeah. He forced our hand. Yeah.
Well, your hand.
Let's not get into that again.
Point is, it's been dealt with and
cosy Cooper Christmas is back on.
We can sleep soundly in our
Did you sleep? Nope. Me neither.
Mrs Cooper I'll say it.
There be a field yonder
that does lie fallow.
But it's nice. Is very nice.
Guys, please.
We is proposing that you
and the him one go live on it
and we has the house.
Fine. What?
OK, right, then.
We have building stuff
in order of urgency.
Or the walls will fall down.
Then we have utilities, because
I assume you want your lights on?
TV licence.
Cos you'd be lost without
Loose Women, Mary. And gas bill.
So Erm
It's gone. The other tent.
Morning. Oh, very Christmassy.
Just to say I had a friend come
by last night, last minute thing,
quite late. So he stayed over
in the field in the garden.
But he's gone now. Just in case
you've spotted him
and you were you know.
And, well, I'll be gone soon too,
I promise.
I'm sorry, it's taken so long.
You know, I've been trying to sort
something out,
but it's a tricky time of year.
Oh, I fixed the outside tap.
There was a drip,
so I wrapped some
Some Are they here for me?
We thought
Er, well, if you can't
No, no, no. I understand.
Nicholas, I
Well, that's it, then. I mean
..this is what we wanted, right?
He's gone.
Gone where? To get his reindeer,
of course!
And the presents.
It's Christmas Eve!
I feel bad. I feel bad.
There but for the grace of God
What can we do? Yeah.
What can we do?
And Simeon is in continual dialogue
with his creditors,
and now that the dyke has been
dammed, I have no doubt at all
that we will bounce back.
But with the banks
refusing us credit,
my hope was that you,
dear sister, might
We wish to help, of course.
Money is not the issue.
I fear only that were such a loan
to become public knowledge,
somehow, the damage to your family
reputation would be irreparable.
So, for your benefit entirely,
I'm afraid we must decline.
I understand.
Quite right.
So sorry.
Cast out on the street
and in such a season!
may I inquire as to the current
circumstances of young Stephanie?
You see, I have a cousin,
a wealthy family,
who has this somewhat wayward son
Do you know the Buttons at all?
He's got like a white beard
and looks a lot like Yeah.
Nick. Used to come round here
from time to time.
Not for ages, though.
Have you tried St Lawrence's?
Yeah. And Millside. Yeah.
Well, if you do see him, could
you give him this, please? Sure.
I mean, if I see him. But people
drop off the radar, you know?
Plenty do need help,
though, this time of the year.
So It was specifically him
we were
Nah. It's shot.
The filament's gone.
Perfect timing.
I don't suppose you've got a spare
oven knocking around, by any chance?
Sorry, man. Yeah.
It was a long shot.
No Christmas lunch tomorrow.
Although What?
Yeah, of course, man.
Yeah, come on in.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, man.
Question 219.
What's Pat's favourite sauce?
Is it gravy? It is gravy, yeah.
Well, it was.
You are a terrible cook!
Hey! Nicholas!
I'm so sorry, we're so I know.
I guess we can all be a bit
quick to judge, eh?
I thought you were rich,
but this place is an absolute
Well, we're working on it.
Come on, shift over.
There's some gravy there
that needs rescuing.
Ha-ha! Yes, of course.
Parachuting in to save the day!
Take the man out of the Army
I'll teach you a little trick
I picked up in the Navy. Navy?
Oh, good lord, no.
No, Alison, he's not to be trusted.
They're barely even trained.
I mean, it's essentially civilians
with fancy hats.
I don't want to wear it.
I feel Nicholas! I'm so sorry.
We're so sorry. I know, I know.
Looking good.
Oh, don't. They're grown ups,
it's embarrassing.
Rubbish. They love it.
It's easy for you to say.
Well, what size are the boots?
I'm telling you -
he's in the kitchen.
He's all dressed in red and white
Oh, Kitty, you dear, sweet thing.
The simple fact is
Ho, ho, ho!
See? He came!
He always does.
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.
Right. I think we are good, to
Oh, the Yorkshire puds.
Oh, got it!
Oh, they look great.
Are they enough? Should be.
There's 36 of them
and 23 people so that's
..everyone gets 1.5652.
One and a half ish.
Well, then dinner is served.
It's so exciting. Let's
Don't fuss, Mother.
This isn't fussing. It's standards!
These people have standards.
I mean, have you seen this place,
They've got a ballroom.
A ballroom!
Chin up, chin up.
Crushing the collar.
Oh, and that's what's important?
Please, just
I'm not a stuffed dress, Mother.
I have a mind, ambition.
There are other ways out of this.
I could learn, I could help Father.
This is how you can help
your father.
This is how you can help us all!
M'ladies Mr George Button.
Oh, good evening.
Welcome to Button House.
Oh, this one is for you, Humphrey.
Merry Christmas. Oh, thank you!
Ha-ha ha!
And click it. Come on!
Ah. Asleep on the job, eh?
Typical Navy man.
Who's a good boy? You wouldn't catch
someone in the army doing that.
Who's a good boy? You are. You!
Just getting the tea, Mike.
Mrs Cooper. Alison.
Given the season,
which is ridiculous anyway,
we've got tree in the front room
and the guy with the beard
come down the chimney
We have decided to gift
the land and house thereon,
to you and the man one,
on a long term loan.
For a period of long as you likes.
So you're going to give a house
that you don't have,
to the people who already own it?
Exactly. OK. Yeah. Deal.
Pleasure doing business with you.
Well, we showed her! Oh, yes.
Oh, yeah
I-I should have got someone in,
and I think I used the wrong paint
and it's quite hard to
It doesn't matter.
It's still the same girl underneath.
Right. Last present.
OK, I know, I know you're excited,
But please bear in mind
that I am not a professional.
I hate it. I've seen it,
and I hate it. OK.
And I know I shouldn't have looked,
but I did.
And now I can't unsee it,
because it's the worst thing
I've ever seen!
Not just the worst painting,
but the worst conceivable thing
and I cannot pretend otherwise,
as I just respect you too damn much,
Right. I see.
I wish you'd said before
I did the finishing touches.
Wait! It's brilliant! OK, yeah.
Don't patronise me.
No, no, no, no, no.
Now that it's complete.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You've said your piece.
So I'll just I'll make sure
it never sees the light of day.
But, but
ALL: Oooh!
Merry Christmas to me!
Time for the Christmas quiz!
Oh, come on, guys.
Oh, shush, shush, shush. Come on,
it's Christmas Day.
Yes! Yes!
Question one.
One of us in this room
has a third nipple.
A, who is it?
And B, where is it?
Oh, no! Well, I don't want to know!
Previous EpisodeNext Episode