Ghosts (2019) s03e06 Episode Script

1
PAT: That's a terrible decision.
JULIAN:
Oh, and you're the expert,
are you?
PAT: I've got eyes, mate.
I've got four of them.
JULIAN:
You know nothing, mate. Nothing.
Come on, you reds.
Yes, come on. Please, the red.
Just the red one
Oh naff off, ref.
That was never a foul.
Oh, put your handbag away,
grandma.
ALISON:
What's going on here then?
Since when do you
watch football?
Uh, they keep talking about it
at work.
I'm just watching enough
so I got something to say.
Uh, excuse me.
It's time for my
Murder, She Wrote.
Murder, She Wrote, again?
Yes, It's my one form
of entertainment and I never
That was a dive,
that was a dive.
All part of the game.
All part of the game.
Look at this.
Wow.
They've got a calendar
and everything.
Here at Arrowcroft Hall,
we look after your every need.
A beautiful
16th century mansion
-That's a corner!
-I knew it
Weddings, celebrations,
corporate events,
whatever the occasion
You should do
one of these films.
No, I'm not going
in front of the camera again.
That's fine. I'll do it. Easy.
-Oh!
-That was skill!
Oh, he's so good!
You just fancy him
from my aftershave ad.
No, I don't.
It's nothing to do that.
I just admire his like
-Keepy-uppies.
-Keepy-uppies, keepy-uppies.
Oh, I could do that
if I had, like,
a 1,000 hours practice.
-I don't think you could.
-I could.
-No, you couldn't.
-Only a thousand?
Humphrey, can I borrow you
for a bit?
What?
Well, Mike's filming
this promo thing today
and we should soon have enough
money start the gatehouse.
So between making money
from there and events,
he should be able to stop
his job job.
Great, that's so good.
-You okay?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
-It looked like you just seen
-MAN: Hello.
Oh, no. I know.
I'm just going on and on
about myself.
How about you? How are things
with the cafe? Any news?
Oh, God. Don't ask.
What? Really?
I thought it was all good.
MAN: They just looked at me.
It's a long story.
Honestly, I'd rather
hear about you.
-MAN: They don't see me.
-Something happened?
-It's so embarrassing.
-What?
-I've lost it all.
-What?
Yeah, he basically conned me.
He did all this talk
about investment
and believing in my vision
and then he just ran off
with my deposit.
-My
-Just all the money I'd saved.
-What a total.
-Yeah.
Isn't there something, like,
that you can do?
Well, he said it would be easier
if we put all the money
into one account.
And I just
didn't even question it.
-Oh, no.
-So
I mean, I guess I'm an idiot.
-You're nor an idiot.
-I am an idiot, actually.
Because I didn't
read the paperwork.
I didn't get
any independent advice.
I didn't even check
his background?
Oh, no. Lucy, none of this
is your fault.
You poor thing. Come here.
Do you fancy a jog?
Actually, shell we
jog back to the car.
-Just get outta here.
-Yeah.
Shake it off.
Eh.
We're going to be stuck
here forever
and I just think I'll go mad.
Now, steady on. Steady.
We must not lose our morale.
At least we have each other.
Yes, Gerald.
There must be some way
off this island, Beatrice.
We need a boat.
We could cut down this tree.
That's done it.
Here she goes, timber.
And we can fashion it
into a canoe.
There we go.
In we get, Beatrice.
Okay.
-Oh, yes. Very good.
-I see home.
Ah, land ahoy!
And scene.
-Well done.
-Lovely. Lovely. Sit down.
Stuck on an island,
and you found a way off of it.
Wonderful improvisation.
Do I like that.
All right, who's next?
No, let someone else
have a turn.
-Oh, Me.
-Yes, Mary.
And where's Lady B?
Well, she's watching
Murder, She Wrote.
-Is she, again?
-Yes. Afraid so.
Okay, Robin, would you like to,
you know, give it a try?
Okay, well, let's start
with something simple.
So how about the shopkeeper
and the customer?
Mary enters Robin's shop and
Improvise.
-Where's the shop?
-It's here.
-What?
-Well, it's pretend.
You know, use your imagination,
it's in your imagination.
-Door, Mary.
-Oh.
Please, can I have a door?
Oh, it's a door shop.
Great. Yeah.
No.
Okay, now, Robin,
that's called blocking.
Mary's made you an offer there.
She's made this a door shop.
So you need to build on that
and say something like,
what kind of door
do you require, madam?
What do you want?
Oh, um, can I have a new door?
No.
Okay, Robin, that's
Don't block. Okay?
In improvisation,
you say yes and Okay?
Yes and no.
Yeah. And why do I want
a new door though, Patrick?
I don't know. It's not
Let's try something new. Okay?
How about the doctor's surgery.
-Oh, yeah.
-Yes, okay. And
Improvise.
-Hello, you a doctor?
-No.
Flaming nora!
Take cover.
Ooh.
Nice.
What is that?
Yeah. Do what?
Daddy got a brand new drone.
Oh, yeah.
It's a sweet bit of kit.
Of course, the Americans were
playing with these
sorts of things back in my day.
They were a lot bigger
and noisier,
and more about missiles
and cameras,
but, you know, pretty cool.
MIKE: Oh, no, no, no.
Don't go down, up, up, up.
-No, no, go up. Don't go down
go up, up. Come on.
-Ah
Yeah, of course
it doesn't come fully charged.
Fully charged.
What's wrong
with a good old AAA, ah?
-Could've gone to the shop
-Gone down to the shop.
had it fixed in no time,
but we got to plug it in now.
-HUMPHREY: God.
-THOMAS: One
One, two, three, four
Come on, we can do it. two.
I counted ten.
-Ten's good.
-So much harder than it looks.
Yeah. So's your knee.
Are we taking a break now?
-No.
-Yes. Now, that hurt me too.
-Well did it.
-We're both suffering, Humphrey,
stop complaining.
Easy for you to say.
You're not the
Button House has stood
on this site
since the 15th century.
It's entertained Henry VIII
and now it could entertain you.
It's a perfect place
for your event.
Whether it's weddings
What?
You're terrible at this.
It's like watching
Jeffrey Archer on Newsnight.
Come on, do it again.
entertained Henry VIII.
and now it could entertain you.
Be
It's a perfect place
for your event.
It's a perfect place
for your event
whether it's weddings,
celebrations
or corporate occasions.
You come to the right place
if you've come to Button
You're in the shot.
-ALISON: Sorry.
-It's Fine.
He nearly got it then.
This is nice.
-Thanks.
-Wow.
-Are you behaving yourself?
-Yes.
-Which one is there?
-Julian.
-It's all I need.
-I haven't done anything.
He says, he's just watching.
-And can I just talk to you
about something?
-Yeah, of course.
All right, yeah,
Private thing, is it?
You take five, Mike.
We'll, uh
get it in the "can" later,
yeah?
Ah.
MARY: Yes. And there was
a big army coming towards.
-Good.
-Yes. And we open the new door.
-Oh, we're back in the door.
-Yes, and on the other side
of the door
is a kingdom of tiny peoples.
-Yes. And they made me
their Queen.
-Mary.
They have given us a drink
out of a gleaming cup
-Mary.
-and a big plate of potatoes.
-Yes, and the portion
is making us all drowsy.
-Mary.
Yes. And the little peoples
carry us towards
their big cooking pot
Okay, Mary.
Do you want to pass it over
to Robin?
Yes. And Doctor
Doctor, can you help me?
Is there a door
out of this world?
-No.
-Oh, scene.
Lord love us. Scene.
Mary, that's a bit too much
imagination, if anything.
And Robin, you need to work
on your blocking, mate.
-No.
-You know?
They just run off
with all her money.
Yeah.
-It's awful.
-Isn't it?
And I was thinking, like,
I know that with this close
to making The Gatehouse target.
-And you, you work so hard
towards that moment.
-Oh, yeah.
And it would be like a nightmare
to delay it anymore.
-But I was thinking.
-You want to lend her money?
-Yes.
-Of course we should.
Are you sure?
Because I don't want to do this
if you're not sure.
She's your Sister.
If it was my sister we'd do.
Well, one of them.
I love you. Thank you.
Thank you.
-She's gonna be so happy.
-Yeah.
-How's filming?
-Smashing it
Hello, Catherine.
Everything all right?
Yes, thank you.
Hmm.
I wish I had a photo
with Alison.
Ah, no can do, I'm afraid.
But I imagine
if it were possible,
then you'd be straight
into the Hall of Fame
with that wonderful smile
of yours.
Now, where is it?
Where is it?
There it is. Now.
Come along. Can't have you
mopping about all day.
Oh, look. Weymouth.
Yeah, I've got some
happy memories there actually.
You mean the seaside?
-That's Cornwall.
-No, no, no, that's Weymouth.
Now, I recognise the pill box
on the rise there
just over his right shoulder.
Do you see?
He actually went on manoeuvres.
First time
I ever tried a Bren gun.
Very exciting.
I did hit a seagull.
I still feel bad
about it actually.
And it's the silence
after the shot.
One minute they're cawing away
happily the next it's just
feathers.
Lucy said it was Cornwall.
Yes, so, well, Mike and I
have been talking
about your situation
with the business.
And we were thinking
we want to help.
- LUCY: Oh, God,
Please don't think.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No. No. I'm saying,
honestly, honestly, we've
We've been saving and
we want to invest it
in your business.
It's an investment
because we believe in you,
and we think
it's gonna be great.
LUCY: Wow.
But this is Are you sure?
Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean
To be honest, this this
is actually bit of
a dream come true for me.
'Cause, like,
I've never had a sister,
obviously.
And, you know,
I've always been
I was always jealous
of my friends who had siblings.
And you know my parents
aren't around.
And so to find out, I actually
have some family
And the fact I can
help you with something
is just honestly, honestly,
nothing would make me happier
lost you for that last bit.
Yeah, you know, actually,
it doesn't matter.
We I want you
to have the money.
HUMPHREY: Surly that's enough.
You know, this is so good.
Damnation.
Humphrey.
It's a perfect place
for your event,
whether it's a wedding
-Oooh.
- Whether it's weddings.
Corporates
Corporate occasions
Oh, let's face it, mate.
You're just not
cut out for this.
Come on, Mikey boy.
It's easy.
It's just talking.
And it's my house.
Look at that?
Button House.
I can't believe
it's our family home, but it is.
This is Button House.
I still can't believe
that this beautiful building
with all its history,
is actually our family home.
If you choose Button House
for your wedding or celebration
or any of them,
we'll make you feel like
part of a family too.
We love to share with you.
That was pretty good.
Should've been recording.
Thanks, Julian.
I'm over here,
but you're welcome.
Other side, mate.
-She's a liar.
-What?
Lucy.
That photo on your mirror.
She said it was taken
in Cornwall, didn't she?
Yes.
Uh, well, it wasn't.
It was Weymouth.
The Captain knows it was
because it's where
he killed a seagull.
What are you talking about?
If she's lying about that,
then what else is she
lying about
She's driving us apart?
Well, maybe it was a mistake.
Or I don't know.
Or the Captain got it wrong.
-Yeah, but
-Kitty, you've got to stop.
You've been jealous of her
from the moment she came along.
I know. I know that you're
finding this difficult, Kitty,
but she's my sister,
and that's not going to change.
It's not her that's driving us
apart, it's you.
Humphrey.
HUMPHREY: Psst.
Just hide me, please.
Humphrey. Humphrey.
-Where?
-I don't know.
Improvise.
Humphrey?
Oh, come on, Humphrey.
We were having fun, weren't we?
Humphrey?
Mary.
You haven't seen
Humphrey's head by any chance?
Yes. And he'd be in the world
of the tiny peoples.
What?
Yes, and he's going
to the door shop.
Well, that is spectacularly
helpful. Thank you, Mary,
Humphrey.
Well, I don't know
what that was, but thank you.
You is welcome.
No, no, no. Take me with you.
All right.
HUMPHREY: Lift me up.
-Right then.
-There we go.
There she blows.
BOTH: Lovely.
Right, now, I think.
-What?
-That's gonna look great.
-Wait, wait, wait.
Oh! Oh, no no, no.
-What's your problem.
That's your finale
-Come back, come back.
To cut a long story short.
Apparently, Lucy said
it was in Cornwall.
Sorry, but I
I always wondered
Is it not
a frightful coincidence
that she's always there,
the scene of the murder?
Hmm?
Haven't the police
not thought to ask themselves
-whether it's more
than a coincidence.
-Shh.
There. I knew she'd get her man.
Now what were you saying?
The photograph was in Weymouth.
Whereas Lucy said
it was in Cornwall.
Now, look, it could be
a harmless mistake,
but Kitty rather seems
to think it means something.
Foul play.
Let me see this photograph.
Alison.
I'm sorry about what I said.
You're right.
I was just jealous.
I think it's so wonderful
that you're helping her.
That's what sisters do,
isn't it?
So if I can help you
help her, I'd love to.
Thank you. Kitty.
I knew you'd
come around eventually.
No problem.
I love Lucy now,
and I trust her completely.
Hm.
And you're certain?
Yeah, absolutely sure of it.
It's the pillbox, you see.
Now I remember it vividly.
Well, if you want to convince
someone you're their sister
then a photograph
of their father
is certainly an ingenious way
to start.
But is it possible
to fake a photograph?
Oh, yes. You can do anything
with Photoshop.
Yes. Take it to the photo shop.
They cut out the negative and
No. It's computer software.
You can take someone's face,
for example,
the leader of the opposition,
and put it on the body of
let's say, a donkey.
Print it up as Christmas card,
send it to everyone
in the Commons.
You've got yourself
a Yuletide joke.
Great days.
Let me show you how it works.
Yeah, don't kick me.
Face me, Mary. There we go.
-ALL: Ooh!
-See?
Oh, that's like the thumb trick.
Of what?
Oh,
For a moment, there, you did
Oh, I see it's
Right, so we know
it can be done.
But where on earth would
Lucy have got a photograph
of Alison's father?
That's it.
Down.
Keep going, keep going.
Even more.
Yes, yes, yes.
Do watch from start.
I know, I know, I know.
Oh, Oh, you all right?
I was chasing the drone.
Do you mind coming with me
to meet Lucy?
She says she needs
the transfer today.
Can't you do it on the phone?
It's kind of a big deal.
I want to toast it with that.
-Yeah.
-Yeah?
-Good idea.
-Okay.
Rest up.
I need water. I need some water.
-It's coming up, get ready.
-I'm ready. I'm ready.
MAN: It's around here.
-There you are.
-Oh, God.
-Where did you get
-Shh. This is important.
We think Lucy might be
up to no good.
What?
-Hole, hold, hold.
-Pause.
There.
Oh, no,
it be facing to other way.
ROBIN: But they have same beard.
Not so fast.
It's all a matter
of perspective.
When one looks
at the reflection,
the face is identical.
-She flipped it.
-Good Lord.
So she saw Alison
on the television.
ALISON: It was inherited
through
FANNY: Learned that she
was orphan in possession
of an impressive
country estate.
ALISON: So with
no living relatives
FANNY: Tracked down
the address,
Hi.
FANNY: ingratiated
herself
-Sugar?
-One, please.
Same as me.
FANNY: . ..and used a doctored
photograph
to make Alison believe
they were sisters.
This is when
he was living in Cornwall?
Yeah.
Looks like I have a sister.
CAPTAIN: Lord.
Which all begs the question.
What does she want?
What does she want?
We've to warn Alison.
-Yes.
-Come on.
Hey, hey, hey.
Don't forget about me.
Kitty, Where's Alison?
She and Mike are going to give
Lucy all of their savings.
No!
This is unbelievable.
You guys are so kind.
I was literally
about to lose lease.
Well, what's family for?
I mean, like it was fate.
If you hadn't been on TV
and I hadn't happen to have
seen it,
then we never would have
found each other.
Imagine if Dad could see us.
Okay. So, uh
Account name, should I put Lucy,
or is that not your real name?
Somebody do something.
-We have to improvise.
-Yes and.
Not that kind
of improvise, Mary.
HUMPHREY: Kick me.
-What?
-Kick me.
-Really?
-There comes a time
when the greater
HUMPHREY: Alison!
Oh, my God.
HUMPHREY: Stop, turn back.
It's about Lucy.
Yep. That's pretty clear.
It's detailed, so I'm sure
police could work out.
Why me?
Don't take it personally.
What a day.
One second.
Take your time.
I'm sorry. You lost the sister
you never had.
You're the sister I never had.
I want to give you a hug.
-But you're not gonna like it.
-Oh, who cares.
Yes, you're right.
That was horrible.
-Welcome home.
-Yeah.
-Yes.
-Welcome back.
-MAN: Good to have you back
-Thanks, guys.
There's been a murder!
Nobody is to leave this room.
Mike. Mike
Might be an idea to lay off
The Murder, She Wrote
for a bit.
Yes. Yes, I suppose I should.
But well done
on piecing it all together,
you know.
And that was good, wasn't it?
Truly remarkable, Fanny.
MIKE: Dinner is served.
ALISON: Do you like it, Kitty?
I can't stop looking at it.
It's wonderful.
Nice, long finish.
I'd love that.
If only we could actually eat.
Yes. And.
Hmm. That's lovely.
You enjoying your steak, Robin?
No.
Yes.
And a very much looking
for the pudding.
And what are you having
for pudding, Robin?
Yes, and berries.
Yes, and cream.
Creamy berries.
Lovely.
-Cheers.
-Cheers.
MAN: Cheers, everyone.
ALL: Cheers.
-What are you drinking?
-Pint of porter.
Cheers.
MIKE: Stop.
Stop. Julian, what did you do?