Ghosts (2019) s04e03 Episode Script

1
Too upset to cry.
That might be the most
I've ever told them off.
That might be the most
she's ever told us off.
I've just never seen Alison
so angry.
She used a word
I'd never heard before
as a verb and a noun.
Yes, was
rather colourful. I mean,
I did some pretty awful things
back in the day,
but I have never been rebuked
like th
Oh, hang on, actually.
There was this one time
Oh, and they just go on
and on and on and on.
And they know
that we're stressed,
with the Gatehouse
and this place.
I know. They're a lot.
I mean, I find them a lot,
and I can't see or hear them.
Turns out,
the arms contract had been sold
to the newspapers
by one of the prostitutes.
Too confused to cry.
So, how do we make things right?
Well, you'd have to refund
the Libyans,
find the prostitute
With Alison!
Oh.
Well, is obvious.
We need say sorry.
ALL AGREE Huh?
No. No, no, no, no, no.
No, that Ye
Yeah, no, just Just thanks
for letting us know.
Yeah. All the best, yeah.
Bye-bye. Bye. Bye.
Bye.
Unbelievable!
I mean, how selfish can you be?
What happened?
The Carters just cancelled.
What? Why?
Because they're evil.
Er, and maybe
because their cat's ill.
But mainly cos they're evil.
I mean, what is the point
in us offering five-star service
if there's no-one here
to give it five stars?
Hey, you know what this means?
That we're going to go bankrupt?
It means that
a very nice little guesthouse
that I know of
happens to have
a last-minute vacancy.
Yeah, I just told you that.
No, I mean for us.
Well, for you.
You never lose it
like you did this morning,
even with that lot.
You're frazzled.
You need to unwind.
Listen, if I said
you had a day off
and you could do anything
you wanted, what would it be?
I don't know.
Like maybe a spa day?
Mm.
Or maybe like a nice meal.
Or a picnic!
Or the cinema.
Well, that's what we'll do.
Which?
All of it.
We have to be very careful.
I'm just saying, if we want
Alison to hear us out,
we should send the person
she likes the most.
Very well. I shall try,
but I can't guarantee
I was thinking more Kitty.
Is that wise under
the circumstances? After all,
it was Kitty who pushed her
over the edge.
That's a lie!
You said you wished
she was dead.
No, I didn't.
Quite the opposite. I said
that I wanted to comfort her
and hope that one day,
God willing,
I'll be able to hug her
and hold her and
Yes, I see what you mean.
But it was you who made her
use the C-word.
It was you
who was being callous. Oh!
Come on,
it was one little finger.
It was inappropriate.
I just so missed the texture.
Mm. I was being the soldier.
You are not to use that term!
Oh, here he goes,
barking his orders.
No wonder she's sick of you.
Do not lay this at my door, sir!
I was merely telling Robin
not to play with the lamps
Hey, no you pin this on me!
Was Fanny,
with the yibbayabba, yibbayabba.
Excuse me, Robin!
It was nothing to do
Oh!
Five stars, right?
Yeah.
And it's all ours.
Ooooh, yeah. Oh,
you've go to have a go
on some of What?
Sorry. I'm just thinking about how
long it takes to change the bedding.
No, no, no. No. We're not thinking
about bedding,
or cleaning,
or hoovering or dusting
or bin change
Yeah, you're right.
It was a terrible idea.
It's never going to happen, is it?
So, day off's off?
No, day off's on.
Just not here.
Er I've got a better idea.
You want a piece of me?!
Right. Right. Right!
Bang!
Oh! What are you doing?
I was firing my pistol
into the air.
You don't have a pistol.
Well, we didn't win the war with
attitudes like that, did we?
This blame game
is getting us nowhere.
It's quite clear that we all
share some responsibility
for provoking Alison's outburst,
whether it's Julian fingering,
Fanny's lip
or Mary and her
Why, Mary, I do believe that
you didn't do anything wrong.
Oh, no. Er No.
I suppose I suppose not.
Hey, this is perfect!
Alison can't be cross with Mary
if she's done nothing wrong.
Let's send Mary in
with our apologies,
wait for the dust to settle,
and then
Yeah, no, actually.
No. I'm thinking no.
To that. To doing that.
But you're our secret weapon, Mary.
Yeah. No. Right. It's just
Erm, I tooks the fall
for something I didn't do
once before,
and it didn't turn out
all that well for me.
So I'm I'm thinkin', erm,
maybe this time
I'm going to leave the guilt
for the guilty.
Cos someone in this room
has done nothing wrong!
Ah. Looks like
it has to be one of us.
Any volunteers?
Or we could do nominations?
Ah, well in that case
Oooh.
Mm!
I like it. Homely.
Really homely.
Oh, I think these
might be the owners.
Oh-ho, she did all right!
What are you doing?
You can't go lying down,
you've got relaxing to do.
Do you hear yourself?
We have a list. Your list.
And we've just lost 45 minutes
going nowhere.
Well, if it's my list,
I'm adding lying down.
OK, OK. But it's already 10.30,
so we can't just go adding
You know what?
It's fine. Er
If we combine it with
"listening to some music,"
then I think I can make it work.
Deal.
OK, so I just add that on,
cross it off,
and we're back on track. Almost.
Right. See you in 30.
Where are you going?
Shop. We need ingredients.
Ingredients for what?
Whatever you want.
It's your day.
Oh. OK, so could we get?
No time. Text me.
No, no
Er
You've got the most
to apologise for.
Tadadadadadada!
Tadadadadadada!
Chacachac,
clink, clink, clink
Now
Yeah. I did not for a moment
want to bring out
the Bren Mark 1 light machinegun
in such an enclosed space,
but you forced my hand.
Is he having a breakdown?
Very hard to tell.
This bickering is futile.
If nobody wants
to take on this mission,
then, as ranking officer,
I shall step up to the plate
and issue an apology
on behalf of the entire unit.
My command experience
has taught me
a thing or two
about effective communication
you have to be direct,
concise and to the point.
Apologies.
Not accepted. Understood.
She can't be reasoned with.
Nothing to be done.
We shall just have to avoid her
until she dies.
Probably longer.
Yes, well, whilst I'm sure
you mined every ounce
of your natural warmth,
do you think
you could take us through
your key messaging?
What?
Yeah, thought so.
You see,
you can't just go around
shouting orders at people
any more.
He's got a point. Silence.
Communication's become
much more nuanced
in this modern age
of car phones and pagers.
But, luckily,
you're looking
at one of history's
greatest communicators,
the brains behind some of
the most memorable
political slogans
of the 20th century. Erm
"Family, family, family."
Yours truly.
As was"Better for Britain."
"I'm in. Are you?"
And of course
"A dog's just for Christmas."
I think it was"A dog's
not just for Christmas."
No. One year,
there was a surplus.
Must have been the heat.
Oh, surely not him.
Yep, that was another one.
Election '83.
OK, then.
I now declare this meeting
of Being In The Right Club
officially open.
What's that?
Oh, no, it's just, erm,
just us today, Flo.
Just us.
No. Yeah.
Yes?
We're closer
together.
What?
We're closer Yeah?
Together. Mm-hm.
Than what?
Oh, come on!
This is very clear messaging.
How are you not getting this?
We - you and us - are closer
you know, rubbing along,
despite your over-sensitivity,
together -
ie, not off moping
in our rooms about,
I don't know,
whatever petty grievance it is
that's got you in such a tizz.
So let's admit mistakes
were made on both sides
and hope that tomorrow
you get out of the bed
the right side.
Because the fact is
we are closer
together.
Go away.
Now, that's clear messaging.
Did you forget your keys?
No, no, I'm still at the shop.
Ingredients crisis.
There's chicken, but no breadcrumbs,
so Milanese is off.
Er, I can do salmon
if you can live without lemon.
Do they have broccoli?
Normal, not purple,
but I could switch
for asparagus if
Without lemon?
I wasn't thinking. OK.
Yeah. Let's bring back the chicken.
We'll go peri peri.
Do they have paprika?
Er, normal, not smoky.
OK, OK. Let's make it satay.
Which aisle is peanuts?
Just get peanut butter.
Smooth or crunchy? Just get both.
But that's back with jams. I haven't
got time. Just leave it. Get out.
I'm coming out.
Go! Go!
Any joy?
Well, you know, er,
how does one define success?
Messed it up.
I suppose Elton John was right.
Sorry does seem to be
the hardest word.
No. Hardest word is
"apolocathry."
Ap
Hang on.
Maybe Elton John had a point.
If it's too hard to say it,
could we sing it?
Hey. Still relaxing?
All relaxed?
Where have you been?
Yeah. Well, turns out
that if you run out
of a supermarket still holding
a pack of stock cubes,
security want to have
a little word with you.
Oh, God.
Yeah, no, it's fine.
I, er.. I made this great joke
about pinching their stock,
and we're basically mates now.
He loved it.
Yeah?
Yeah. Whoa, OK.
Er, there's no time to cook
and we have nothing to cook,
so I thought
we can order something in.
Like pizza?
What's faster than pizza?
Pizza's fine.
Yeah?
Yeah.
OK, great.
Well, you order the pizza,
and I will dig out the picnic set.
Pizza picnic?
Yeah.
Well, you wanted a picnic,
so you're having a picnic.
Aw.
I think it may be carpet picnic.
Good call.
All right.
You just keep relaxing.
OK. Er OK.
But order a pizza!
Oh, all righty!
But lyrics are a form of poetry,
and mastery of
the English language is my
thing.
Yeah, I know.
It's just that you can be
a little maudlin, mate,
and I think it should be
something upbeat,
like, have you heard
of Ging Gang Goolie?
The disease?
What?
No. As in like, you know,
"Ging Gang Goolie gotcha."
It most certainly did not!
Although I hear
Byron had a terrible case.
Wha?
Look, clearly neither of you
are exactly Cole Porter.
Who?
My Heart Belongs To Daddy?
Philistines. My point is,
perhaps you should look
to a more skilled songsmith
for your inspiration.
I mean,
how does John Elton compose?
Oh, for the last time,
it's not Elton, comma, John.
It's Elton John!
And he has a co-writer.
Bernie does the words,
and Elt does the music.
Ah!
Music's being taken care of,
thank you very much.
OK. Sure my note was
in there somewhere.
No, no. I want no part
in this embarrassing spectacle,
this circus of contrition!
Oooh! That's a good name
for the band.
Cool name. Yeah.
Apoloclubby.
Apothecary.
Apottecaty.
Apothecary.
Apoppercappy.
Just say chemist.
No, no, no.
Come on. Come on. Ugh.
Apothecary.
Apolicecathery.
No, no
No point wailing 'bout it.
You made your beds.
Perhaps you'll think 'bout your
actions from this day hence.
Justice is a fickle wench,
but 'pon this occasion
fairly served,
for 'tis heartening indeed
to feel not a licking flame,
but the warmth
of a righteous sun.
I think things are clearing up
a bit, Flo.
No. I don't want a refund,
I want our pizza.
What do you mean,
you can't find the house?
It's the only house.
If you're within three miles and
there's a building, that's us.
Hello? Hello?
OK, slight change of plan.
Today's picnic will be courtesy
of the little shop
at the garage.
But they only do crisps.
They do more than crisps.
All right, I'll be back in ten.
Er
Relax!
Yep.
A
A
poth
poth
ecary ecary. Apothecary. Apothgagary.
Which is it? Which is it?
It's all one thing - R&B.
Like S&M.
What's S&M?
Ah, well
More electronic, I think.
A lot of fun, a bit naughty.
Is it a firm no to country?
I think it should be
pop music.
Country is pop.
Hey. Hey!
Order! Orderrrr!
Thank goodness.
I don't think I had
a grenade-launcher in me.
All this petty squabbling.
God knows
how they pulled off Band Aid.
Ah, now, there's only one way
to pull off a Band-Aid -
smooth, quick motion
against the grain of the hairs.
No, no, Band Aid.
Christmas '84.
Or were you already, er?
I was dead. Yes, I had passed.
Blimey.
You really did go too soon.
No, Band Aid
was a charity single,
featuring all the top pop acts
of the day.
Like S Club.
Er, more like Culture Club.
Yeah. Was number one for ages.
What, and they all
just mucked in?
Like, sung it together?
Yeah. They all kind of did
a little bit each, you know.
Have you tried
a cheese and onion one
with a roast beef one?
Tastes like a pasty.
I think I've tried
all the combinations now.
Any luck with the bath?
Nearly there.
Water pressure is a joke.
It doesn't matter.
It doesn't need to be deep.
I'll just sink anyway.
I'm mostly potato now.
Mm, delicious. In that case,
your bath is drawn, m'lady.
Oh, wow. You know those are for
sharing, right?
Too late.
It's not quite a day spa, but
No, it's perfect.
You're the best.
I am the best.
Right, get in. We've got 34 minutes
if you want to make the cinema.
Go, go, go.
Oooh
Oh. Wine. Er, one sec.
Yeah, and Robin,
Captain and then Kitty to end.
Should I not?
Kitty to end.
OK?
OK, here we go.
A-one. A-two.
A-one, two, three
OK. A-one, a-two.
A-one, two, thr
In a-one
Got it.
Now, I know today hasn't been
entirely plain sailing so far,
but I am about
to turn it around.
Because, tonight, we are dining
at the French place.
Mm-hm!
Mm!
Ooh la la!
Ooh la
Let me just give them a call
and check that they've got
a table.
Actually,
I should've done that first.
Er
Bonjour.
Er, I am just wondering
if you have a table tonight
for two, around eight-ish?
You can squeeze us in?
Yes!
Wonderful.
Merci. Yes, the name is, erm
Argh! Phone. No.
Oh!
Wine! Waah!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Fine. You shower off,
I'll call 'em back.
Oh, it's in my hair!
Where's your phone?
Oh, it's on the be
Oh! Oh!
What now?
No more hot!
Argh!
Oh, hello? Yes, we were
just on the phone
No, no, no, that's just my wife screaming.
I was just talking to you
earlier about a table
when we got You're kidding me!
It was like one minute ago.
Fine, but you're telling
my wife.
Hello? Hello?
Table's gone.
Yeah?
Yeah.
You have to listen
to what I am doing.
I mean, come on.
One is reminded
of Battersea Dogs Home.
Really? Was there a fire?
Perfick.
Hardly!
You were nowhere near my note.
Yeah. I think maybe
piano need tuning.
Yeah, so, you know,
we might need to tweak the end.
But, overall, I think
that went pretty well.
You know? I mean,
some parts were better
than others.
But with a bit of polish,
well, it would be a cold heart
not to be won over
by the sentiment.
Well, it did nothing for me.
Right, then,
once more from the top?
We're probably going to have
to burn the towels, but, erm
No, no, no, no.
What?
No cleaning. Day off.
Well, we missed the cinema,
so I thought
No. This is the cinema.
Your own private cinema.
The AlisOdeon.
The AlisCineworld?
Oh, yeah. The Alis
No, there's no more.
All right. Come on,
the feature presentation
is about to begin.
Hooray. OK.
What is it?
I think I found
the perfect chill-out movie.
It's only 90 minutes long
and it could not sound
more relaxing.
A Quiet Place.
Ooh.
Well, that is
the most traumatic thing
I will see today.
Alison,
we've written you a song!
Here we go.
I may have spoken too soon.
What?
Oh, front row!
Right.
No, no
What are they doing?
Er, I'm looking at it,
and I don't know.
This is not in the tone
of the piece.
Skip to the end.
Now, Kitty!
I can't.
Oh!
Apothecary.
Apologies.
Oh, you know, what he say.
At the end of the day,
you know, sorry.
That felt weird.
You have no idea.
Yeah, well, it was a little
rough around the edges.
And further apologies
for the middle eight
Yeah. She liked it!
But, you know, you get the idea.
We really are very sorry, Alison.
Sorry for what?
Well, for, er,
what happened, erm
earlier.
What did happen earlier?
Why Why was I upset?
No, no, no!
It's no one thing,
or one person.
And it's not just today.
It's that, every day,
we are breaking our backs
to make this guest-house work,
and I'm already waiting
on eight people.
Nine. Every day,
it's "Turn that page,"
"Oh, it's time
for my programme,"
or, "Google this horse,"
and without even a word
of thanks.
No, I don't want an apology.
And I don't want
some big song and dance.
I just want, like,
a little bit of thought
and a little bit of help.
Yes, of course you can't help,
but do you really
have to not help
24 hours a day?
I think that might be
the second most
we've ever been told off.
Yeah.
I think you guys
should probably go.
OK. I'm going to go out
on a limb here and say
it's possible that you're still
a little bit stressed. Hmm?
Sorry.
I know you really tried.
Not hard enough, though.
What?
You did everything. I
Give me the list.
That's what I want to do today.
We can squeeze that in.
Yeah? Yeah.
Best bit of the day.
Mmm.
Oh.
Someone's posted a new review.
Any good?
Yeah. Amazing.
But we don't have any guests.
Better?
Still a bit crampy
around the knuckle.
I've been on it ten minutes. Hey.
You?
Ah.
Just the typing.
We all composed a bit.
And helped to edit Thomas's.
But she is a radiant beauty.
Is off topic!
That is really,
really lovely, guys.
But you have to delete it.
It's like cheating or
Nonsense.
We are guests in your house
every day.
And you are
the most incredible hosts.
Yes. Every word's the truth.
"We never wanted to leave."
Bit of luck, eh?
Thanks, guys.
Friends?
Friends.
Aw!
You see?
We're closer together.
Yeah. It sounds better
now that you
What?!
But they be in the wrongs,
Al'son.
Where be the punishment?
Where be the trial?
Oh, no. Oh, no, Mary, we've
We've made up.
FLAMES CRACKLE Made up?
But But I was
Have you forgottens?
Now, you listen to me,
Alison Coopers!
I think that might be the most
I've ever been told off.
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