Ghosts (2019) s05e01 Episode Script

1
Morning, guys.
Julian?
Robin?
Hmm.
Fanny?
They can't all just
Mike! Oh, my
It's the ghosts. What now?
I can't see them any more.
I
I c-can't see them any more.
What do you mean?
My gift, it's
It's gone.
I can't see ghosts any more.
April Fools!
Is she laughing?
Are you laughing?
I don't think she's laughing.
Ali? Are you OK?
Yeah, fine.
You?
Yeah. Yeah, you just seemed
a bit upset earlier.
No, no, no, no. All good.
Yeah? Yeah. OK.
Don't worry.
I'm going to have the last laugh.
Right. Cool. So, um, I've been
going over our finances,
and the spreadsheet's
not looking good.
Oh, God, no. OK, maybe if you,
like, right-align the columns
and then you put the headings
in bold, that will at least
Obviously, I'm talking about
the numbers. OK. Hmm.
Without the income
from the gatehouse,
even with functions,
it's going to be tight. Mm-hm.
Mmm. The insurance from the fire
should get us back
on an even keel, but beyond that,
we're going to struggle
to stay in the green.
Black? What's the opposite of red?
Blue?
Stay in the blue? Stay in the b
Are you even listening? Hmm?
This is important. Yeah. No, no, no.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know, I know. I just
Could we deal with this
this afternoon?
Just cos there's something I need to
focus on until, like, midday.
Mm. Is it playing
an April Fools' prank
on a bunch of dead people? Maybe?
It isn't not that.
Right, OK, well, the second
you get even with them,
I'm going to need your undivided
Do we own a saw?
Oh, not you.
Oh
It was yellow!
Oh, no.
The greenfinch IS yellow,
but not as yellow
as a yellow finch.
Oh, it's ridiculous.
Who do I write to?
Well
That the best you can do?
Nice try! Better luck next month!
Oh, for the last time,
there is no May Fools' Day!
Ah! Impaled
by a fence post, was it?
Hmm? Oh, well, yeah.
I mean, that was the idea,
but probably a bit far-fetched.
Stranger things have happened.
I suppose so.
Hmm. Yeah, well
It was worth a try.
So that's it, is it? Giving up?
Well, unless you have an idea?
Idea? No, no. No.
OK. Ideas?
You betcha.
I'm listening.
I just think maybe you put
all your eggs in one basket
when it might be easier,
dare I say more satisfying,
to pick them off one by one.
I mean, between us,
we know them all pretty well.
I'm sure we could work out
which buttons to press.
What's in it for you?
To that lot, I'm just a punch line.
A punchbag. A football.
Then there was that time
they stuck me up on that high shelf.
When was that? Tuesday. Ah
Mmm. I just think that maybe we're
both due a little payback,
and as I understand it,
until midday on this particular day,
anything goes.
Hmm. Hmm.
Right. Thomas.
Need a hand with the wording?
No. No, no.
I've got this one.
Start with the low-hanging fruit.
Oh! Talking of which - Kitty.
Hmm. Erm
OK, OK. Here's an idea.
Now, it might be a bit complicated,
so just bear with me,
but what if we told her
there was a balloon?
There's a balloon? Where?
No
Everyone, there's a balloon!
Kitty, April Fo
No. OK. No, she's gone.
Well, I guess that's one
off the list,
and we've three hours to go.
This is going to be easy!
OK.
"Meet me in the wood store
"at 10am."
Time to go and bait the trap.
Send him my love!
Alison!
Mr Cooper? That's right.
Joy Kielty, Irish Friendly.
I'm Mike Cooper.
English. Also friendly.
No, I'm from Irish Friendly,
your insurance company.
You put a claim in for a fire
at your guesthouse.
Right. Sorry. We didn't know
you were coming Alison!
No. Well, I'm a loss adjuster.
OK. And does our loss
needadjusting?
It means
Well, we don't use the term
investigator.
Our claim is being investigated?
We don't use that term.
But it is? Yes.
Why?
There are just a few details
that we need to verify
before we can pay out on the policy.
Oh, so it's, like,
just a routine thing?
Perhaps you could show me
the site of the incident?
Uh Yeah, sure.
It's just, uh, this way, um?
Joy.
Sure.
Look, it's perfectly simple.
The brown one is a blackbird.
The red and black one
is a goldfinch.
And the bluetit has a yellow chest.
Right. I'm just saying -
you know where you are
with a sparrow.
That's a dunnock. You what?!
OK. Now, try to remain calm,
everyone,
but there is a balloon,
possibly a number of balloons,
somewhere in this house.
And they might be
the float-to-the-ceiling kind,
so it's vital we find them
before they lose their magic.
Are you sure, Kitty?
It's nobody's birthday.
All I know is,
Alison said there's a balloon.
Perhaps a balloon animal.
And I know
Come on, Kitty.
She's winding you up, love.
What?
Is May Fool.
April! April.
Yeah. She's pulling on your legs.
Most likely reprisal
for our antics this morning.
So she said there was a balloon,
but there actually wasn't a balloon?
Oh, that is so clever.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no.
What's up with Attenborough?
Well, can't you see?
She's picking us off like a sniper.
She may have got to Kitty first,
but she'll come for us all.
Oh, give over.
Just a harmless bit of fun.
Is it, Patrick? Is it?!
Or have we awoken a demon
hellbent on revenge?
We need to be on our guard,
keep our wits about us,
for the enemy is smart.
She is motivated.
We should expect tactics
of breathtaking subtlety
and sophistication.
Seriously? They found
a Stuka dive-bomber in the woods?
What? What?!
Oh, my goodness! Oh, my goodness!
Clever girl.
And the fire was caused
by a fork of lightning?
Yeah.
Bizarre, eh?
But I suppose
you must see that a lot.
No.
And no-one was inside at the time?
No. Luckily. Hmm.
Most convenient.
So how did you know
it was lightning?
Oh, I I saw it.
From inside the house?
No, no. I wasnearby.
Where?
Under a tree.
In a thunderstorm?
Well, I
I thought it was a shower at first.
I was trying to stay dry. Hmm.
Then why not head inside?
Well, I couldn't leave the bear.
You got my note?
Indeed.
I must confess, I was somewhat
taken aback by your candour.
I had begun to wonder
if you would ever see sense.
I think it was this morning -
fearing I might never see you again,
I suddenly realised
the depth of my feelings.
I can no longer deny the
The frisson. The frisson. Exactly.
I knew you would succumb
to my charms
in the fullness of time.
And Michael will understand,
I'm sure of it.
A dear soul, certainly,
but not possessing
of the depths you require
desire.
Yeah.
Shall we?
Oh, no.
Oh, God.
Oh, God. I'm so sorry. No
No, no, no. It's fine.
A love such as ours
shall face many challenges,
but where the heart is driven
the flesh shall find a way.
We can't even share a meal.
Or a hug.
Or a kiss.
Indeed.
Such interactions
are frustratingly limited.
Though I suppose there's
There's always
Oh! Erm Um Should we?
Things are moving so fast, I
Oh, the angels in heaven!
April Fools!
I totally got you.
Oh, that is priceless!
I'm so amused right now,
because you would never Never.
Never. Never. Never.
Ha-ha-haaaa
She's a monster!
You too, eh? What did she do?
She
We
It doesn't matter what she did.
Know only that she is
Beelzebub incarnate!
Where are the others?
Lying low, if they have any sense.
They might be all right.
There's only two hours left
until midday.
Surely she can't get us all.
Ohh, I would put nothing past
that she-devil!
That callous, heartless
..doe-eyed, soft-skinned
Damn it!
So, who do we think
she'll try to fool next?
Well, if she's thinking tactically,
she'd be best advised
to pick off the softest target.
Someone easily duped,
guileless, gullible,
open-hearted to a fault.
Oh, come on! They can't
seriously ban Scotch eggs.
I wouldn't be certain
about the veracity
of that news story, Alison.
Sounds a little implausible to me.
If I were you, I'd cross-check
it with multiple news sources
across the political spectrum.
I'd hate for you to have the
wool pulled over your eyes. OK?
Thanks. Yeah. Thanks.
She's trying, God love her,
but talk about amateur hour!
Yeah?
Ooh
So, the argument was
about the bear?
Yeah. He wasn't allowed in
the house. Why not?
He never wiped his feet.
It was a disagreement over taste.
My wife wasn't keen on him,
so I was taking him to live up here.
And can I see this bear?
Erm, no.
He was also destroyed, sadly.
In the fire?
Erm, no. A tree fell on him.
A tree?
Yeah. Struck by lightning.
I thought you said
the lightning struck the roof.
Different lightning.
So you're saying your property
was struck by lightning twice?
Yeah.
No, three times.
The other one hit
Nobody.
Nothing. The ground.
Sounds insane
when you say it out loud.
You should see it written down.
What do you mean? What I say.
He didn't fall for it.
And you definitely said Scotch egg?
Of course I said Scotch egg!
God
I could murder a Scotch egg.
Well, the way I see it,
you've got two options.
Mm-hm. You could just call it a day,
let bygones be bygones
and forget all about
this silly revenge business, or
..you double down.
No more Mrs Nice Alison.
Pull off the kid gloves
and show them exactly
who they're messing with.
Or, you know, neither.
Yeah. Whatever. Yeah.
But it just doesn't make any sense.
What, because Pat saw through
her ruse and you didn't?
Well, yes, frankly.
I mean, if you look up
gullible in the dictionary,
there's a picture of Pat's face.
Is there?
No, Katherine. No.
Unless she didn't prank him at all.
Perhaps he's pranking us
by pretending she pranked him
because we pranked her
for pranking No, hang on.
Face it.
We have no idea who
she'll get next. Or how. Or who.
Hmm. Maybe you're right.
Though I think we can all guess who
will be the last of us to fall.
Deceitful, cynical, underhand,
and, lest we forget
morally bankrupt.
Exactly.
If seven public inquiries
couldn't trip the man up,
what on earth can?
Hello!
Ooh.
Oh, damn and blast!
Well, well, well.
Look who's here.
There is no weakness
she will not exploit!
That was below the belt -
and not in a fun way.
Wait a minute. Where's Pat?
Still at large.
Ah! Talk about insult to injury!
Pat?
Alison.
I'm sorry, you know, for
For everything earlier.
The Scotch egg thing.
I don't know what you mean, Alison.
Sure. OK. I just
I was a bit angry, you know,
about this morning,
but I don't want
to fall out over it. I just
It's water under the bridge now.
It's basically
Oh, my God. No! Oh, God!
Oh, my finger! Pat! Pat!
Argh! Ouch!
Alison, I took whole packs
of ten-year-old boys away camping
every year for a decade.
Do you really think there's
a practical joke known to man
that hasn't been pulled on me?
Itching powder in the underpants.
Potato in the exhaust pipe.
Hand in a bowl of water
so you wet the bed.
Been there, done it,
and got the T-shirt made.
So you'd best save your energy,
Alison,
because I'm bulletproof, me.
And, you?
You're there, mate.
Jesus.
So you were here when
lightning struck the property?
Yeah. We kissed here and then
You kissed?
Yep.
The bear?
No. No, mymy wife.
I was no longer with the bear.
Not romantically. We split up.
I'd left him. It.
I left it under the tree.
But you said your wife
was back in the main house.
Yeah, she was. She came out
when the storm got bad.
So, as the lightning got worse,
your wife also came out into it?
Yes.
She came to warn me because she saw
the first bolt hit the cave
Caved inbit of lawn.
There. Actually not there.
More over there. More over there.
Can I speak to your wife?
Oh! New chapter.
Hmm. Hmm.
Hmm. Hmm?
Hmm
Hmm-mm
The girth of his what?!
Oh, the depravity! Alis
I'm not sure what to be
more disappointed by -
the obscene nature
of your attempted deception
or the sloppiness of its execution.
I'm no fool, Alison,
April or otherwise.
OK. Sorry. Yeah.
I just thought it was a little
bit of fun, that's all.
What on earth is that?
It's a tattoo.
Another one?
Two tattoos?
That scribble on your ankle
was common enough.
But this! This!
It's been there, like, a month.
I thought you'd seen it.
If I'd have seen it, young lady,
you'd have known about it.
My own kith and kin
branded like some lowly navvy,
painted like a tawdry Jezebel!
Times have changed.
You're still a Button.
No, I'm a Cooper, and I fancied
some fresh ink, so I got them.
Them? Plural?
Yeah. The big one's on this arm.
What?!
Your face!
Yes!
Yes, I suppose you think
that's funny, do you?
I do. I absolutely do.
But you don't need to worry,
because it's felt tip,
so it rubs right off.
OK.
Just
Ah, OK. You might have
to live with that
for about a week or so.
Oh! Ugh!
Hook, line and sinker!
Told you! OK.
Five down, two to go.
I've had this idea for Pat,
but I don't know.
It might be going a bit far.
Hey, hey, hey!
He's the one who upped the ante.
He's brought it on himself.
Yeah, you're right. OK.
Well, then, that just leaves Robin,
and I've got no ideas
and not much time, so
Don't you worry about Robin.
I'll take care of him.
Ooh. Yeah, sure.
What are you thinking?
Well
Oh, my God. Ow!
Perfect.
Hello, Robin.
Oh
Ehhh!
Oh, no.
He's back.
Ehhh
Oh. Not bear.
Just little badger.
Who are you calling little?
Hang on.
Badgers not talk.
They do when they're angry enough.
Angry? That's right.
Rumour has it
that someone around here
ate an awful lot of my ancestors.
No, no. We
Well, not often.
You too small.
See, we prefer, er,
a mammoth or a deer,
or, on very special occasion,
a wild dog.
I knew it!
April Fool!
Damn you, Cooper! Yes! I got him.
I got him. I got him.
Yeah, yeah. Well done.
Very much still inside a badger.
Oh, yeah.
And I thought these things
smelled bad on the outside.
I've only got 25 minutes
left to get Pat.
Well, don't just stand there. Go on!
Keep me posted, yeah?
Well, she was running
from the direction of
the house, so I assumed that
But you didn't see her IN the house?
Well, no, I was under the tree.
Yes, but I'm just trying
to ascertain
where exactly your wife was
when the fire broke out.
Oh. OK.
I see what you're getting at.
Well, I can assure you
that my wife isn't just going
around setting fire
Mrs Cooper?
Sh.
Alison, this is Joy Guilty Kielty -
from the insurance company.
About the fire.
Hi. I'm Alison. So nice to meet you.
Oh, God. Sorry.
I think I stood up too quick.
Um This is a practical joke.
An April Fools thing for one of
theliving people who live here.
Oh, but your policy document
says that you are
the only two occupants.
We are. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I meant a friend.
We have a house guest staying,
so I'm
Pretending the house is on fire?
Well Yeah.
Yeah. Well, I thought,
you know, a warm welcome.
Could you just excuse me
for one second?
Sorry. Sick in a bush.
I think it must be the Nerves?
..fumes.
So, any other questions?
No. I think I've seen
everything I need to.
Sorry.
Obviously, I know
how that looks and, well,
how all of it looks,
but I promise you,
everything that I have told you
is 100% the truth,
and I'm begging you
Well, actually not beg.
No, I would totally beg
if that helps,
cos we really need this and I
Mr Cooper, I'm going to recommend
that we approve your claim
and pay out on the policy in full.
What?
Seriously?
I've met a lot of fraudsters
in my time, Mr Cooper,
and I can assure you no genuine
criminal would ever come up
with a story as patently
ridiculous as that one.
Stuff that absurd
only ever happens in real life.
This is a great mixture
of flavours and textures
to combine to make
an extravagant plate of beef.
The amount of beef
Um, Mike
Hey. Where have you been?
Oh, well Did you see the email?
All confirmed.
They're paying out on the policy.
So that'll bring us back
to, uh, zero.
So, yay! No money.
Yeah. Yeah.
Can I have a word with you
in private?
In pri? Is there a ghost in here?
You OK?
Yeah.
I think so.
Uh
Now, I felt a bit emotional
and then hungry and then not.
And then a bit faint
and then a bit sick.
And Well, I did a test and, um
..I'm pregnant.
As if!
I mean, the prop's a nice touch,
but your stooge here
is as wooden as anything, love.
Pat And nobody just
It's after midday.
Oh, my God. You're pregnant!
What? What?! Really?
We're having a baby?
We're having a baby!
Wonderful news.
That's wonderful.
Did we get him?