Ghosts (2019) s05e05 Episode Script

1
One, two, three
# Don't break my #
Hip, slap
# Achy, step, ball
# Just don't
Turn and clap
# And down, two, three, four. #
Is Annie-versary.
Pardon?
Is 25th. Is Annie-versary.
The day that Annie went whoomph!
Is Annie-versary.
Must we do this every year?
# Hey! #
Don't forget to touch your hat,
because we're all cowboys.
Hey, is Annie-versary.
Not this again.
We never met her, Robin.
Hey, pay attention, you lot, please.
You're going to have to know
all these moves
for this afternoon's rehearsal.
Right?
OK.
# One and two and three #
Annie-versary.
..spotting the pattern
in what had, for millennia,
seemed like
random astrological events.
And his mathematical model
allowed him to predict
the comet's next appearance,
proof that even in the seeming
chaos of the universe,
there is always order to be found.
Found, found
Oh. And then
Oh, OK. Yeah.
I know it might look a bit silly
with me up here on my tod,
but it'll be amazing
once we do it all together.
There is pattern!
There is pattern to when we move on.
What?
One of us go whoomph
..today.
I'm telling you.
I done the math!
It is written in the stars.
And the moon and the comets
and the number of days
before the equinox.
Come on. Ridiculous!
What? It complicated,
but I tell you,
there is sequence between Lizbeth
and William and Annie and Mary.
And I don't know who,
but before clock strike
midnight, one of us
Whoomph!
It's so exciting. The next layer.
I wonder who of us it will be.
Calm yourself, Katherine.
I mean, this is
just superstitious hogwash.
Bilge, bunkum and toffee!
No, thank you, Robin. No, thank you.
I've heard enough. He's right.
Hey, well Eh, eh
Everyone?
Everyone?
OK, well, let's just call
it a day for now, then.
Don't forget group rehearsals
at five this afternoon.
OK?
I was clearing one of the attics
and I found a few baby bits
from when Flix had Trix.
Felicity had Trixibelle.
My daughter had my granddaughter.
Oh! Oh, oh. OK.
Thought they might come in
handy for him or her.
That's so nice. Thank you.
You can just pop it down.
No problem at all.
Thanks.
So, where should I pop
the other bits?
Oh, erm
I'll just stick them
along the wall, shall I?
And I'll be back later
with the rest.
The rest?
So, what,
we're just supposed to believe
in a bunch of caveman maths?
I mean, I've seen
some dodgy arithmetic in my time -
I was briefly made Chancellor -
but this really takes the biscuit.
Yes, if I thought for a moment
this were true, which I don't,
I certainly wouldn't spend
my last day on Earth
learning how to line dance.
Well, quite. Yeah.
You'd be making the most
of every last second,
going through your bucket list,
or the ghost equivalent is sort of
already-kicked-the-bucket list.
Ha-ha. Bucket list?
Yeah, you know,
all the things you wanted to do,
but never got around to.
One last chance
to let your hair down.
Maybe do a bit of skinny-dipping,
race a motorbike or bungee-jump,
whatever floats your boat.
Well, we all know what floats
your particular boat, don't we?
Ha-ha, yeah, quite!
I'd be doing
what I did last time. Yeah.
Going out with a bang, so to speak.
Though it takes two
to do that particular tango.
There isn't really anyone here to
Uh
Here to what?
Nothing. Just
I'm ju Mm.
Yeah, boy!
Greg's booking up Ibiza
and wants to know if we
..have a baby by then.
I will not be going large
in Ibiza, Gregory.
Life's about to change, isn't it?
Yeah.
But we'll still do what we do,
though.
Like, not Ibiza, obviously. Yeah.
But we'll still be us.
Yeah? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think so.
Like, some things will change
cos, well, they'll have to.
Yeah, we'll just be moremature.
Mm. Yeah, settled.
That sounds depressing. Yeah.
I don't know why I said it.
You know what we should do?
Hmm? Have a big night out.
Like Like one more massive bender
before the baby comes,
before we have to pretend
to be grown-ups.
Yeah? Do something wild.
Mm. Like, spontaneous.
Get wrecked!
Well, you'd have to get wrecked
for both of us, but
Like that night we had in Options?
We get the gang together.
Yes. Yes, that.
We'll get dressed up.
We'll go on the town.
# And we'll have a party
# We'll have a party! #
She's coming.
Oh, and she's coming. Oh, no.
She cannot come.
Not coming. Wow.
Hello. Here for rehearsals?
No, not
Not really my thing, dancing.
No rhythm?
No legs. Or arms.
Or body, at the moment.
Oh, it's fine.
I'm used to it. No.
What if it's you who moves on?
If you and your body
aren't together,
you might go without him.
Or him without you.
I don't think
it works like that, does it?
Does it?
Does it?
I think better safe than sorry.
Come on.
I can make you whole again.
Oh, Atomic Kitten!
Ha! Oh, yeah. Very good.
I think I heard him
on the main staircase.
Hey, Kitty.
Erm, Kitty?
Rehearsals?
Kitty, my love?
Where is everyone?
You can't line dance with three.
It's not a full line.
Yes, more of a hyphen.
And we need Julian for the music.
I can't press play!
What use the hymn,
what worth the choir
Erm
From the wedding stanza of
Hermione And Roger.
Oh, of course.
Yes. That's classic.
It's an absolute classic, innit?
What use the hymn,
what worth the choir
Wh-wh-wh
..with none to hear their song?!
Ah, yes, that's the badger.
That's it.
How can you not remember?
I must have recited it 100 times.
And not a word went in?
Well
I know I never found the fame
I deserved in the outside world,
but I hoped at least my work
would be remembered
within these walls!
This is my legacy
What on earth's got into him?
Ha. I blame Robin.
He's got everyone at sixes and
sevens with his hocus-pocus.
Yeah.
You don't believe any of that,
do you?
That one of us is going today?
Oh, good Lord, no.
Heavens, no! Nein, nicht, negative.
Absolutely not. No. Ha!
Do you?
Oh, no. No! Ha.
AMERICAN ACCENT No, siree.
Not me. No, sir. No, ma'am.
Right, yes.
Well, erm, perhaps I can
help you gather the troops,
get this operation back on track.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, just spontaneous.
Just tonight, just like
..couple pre-game tequilas Great.
Ah, right. Yeah. Yeah.
Cool. OK, cool. Yeah. All right.
Yeah. Well, great. Well, erm
Uh-huh. Yeah.
Well Yeah. All right, then.
Well, we'll see you soon.
See you then. See you soon.
All right, bye. All righty.
No. They can't make it
They are not coming. ..in the end.
Do you think we should move it
to next week?
Like, give people more notice?
No. What?
No, we can't forward-plan our
spontaneous night out.
No, it's going to be great.
Obi's coming with his girlfriend.
It's going to be
exactly like last time.
Except different girlfriend,
but still Yeah, still,
If you've got Obi, then you've got
yourself a party. 100%.
Yeah, yeah.
# Gonna be a party
# We're gonna have a party
Gonna be a party
# Gonna be a #
Ow. You OK?
Cramp, cramp, cramp, cramp.
Cramp? Oh.
It's gone, it's passed. Yeah?
# Gonna have a party #
Well, perhaps you're in the kitchen.
Yeah, could be.
Huh.
What is it?
Half your age plus seven?
That's
No. No, no. No, no, no, no.
Oh, well, I guess I'm all out of
..options
Fanny.
Alison. What is a bungee jump?
A bungee jump is basically
when you just jump
from somewhere really high up
and, like
Ah. No, no, no, no.
I've done that. A lot.
Was there a reason that you?
No, it doesn't OK.
All righty.
That lipstick? Yeah.
Is it an experiment?
No. Oh.
Unbelievable.
All Eyes On Me
by William Davies & Edward Nutbrown
Turn it up.
# They're uncertain 'bout
my language
# Me speaks the money,
the money speaks clear
# If it ain't 'bout the money,
then they don't want it. #
Ooh!
Mm-hm, yeah.
Guess again!
I told you,
I can only count to five.
Well, double that and add
I wouldn't know how.
I'm worth 11 million!
You're boring me.
Oh, yeah.
He's getting it!
Hi!
How high can you count?
To ten.
Close enough.
Guess how much I'm worth.
There you are! Come on, you.
Let's get you back together,
all ready for the off.
Ooh!
It can be a bit skittish sometimes.
No eyes or ears, see.
Easy. Yeah.
Easy, boy.
Come along, poppet.
Yeah, don't corner it
Don't corner it! No
Argh!
Well, don't just stand there,
after me!
Robin, ha! There you are.
You are aware that rehearsals
are at five?
Patrick's in a terrible tizz.
Sorry.
I must have lost track of time.
Just saying goodbye
to my mouse family.
Snuffles, Maisie and Graeme Souness.
Take care of each other, guys.
Right!
I think that all my affair in order.
You know, if it's me who
You really believe it, don't you?
This theory of yours.
Oh, yeah.
Before clock strike midnight,
someone is going up to the stars.
And that doesn't worry you?
I've been here long time.
Yes.
I'm ready.
I want to see what's next.
Ha!
So you think it will be you?
Could be!
Could be you.
Ah.
Eh?
- He's getting away!
- Faster!
Thomas?
Mate?
Are you coming back
to the line dancing?
Look at them all.
Surviving the ages,
standing erect
in their leather jackets,
shoulder to shoulder,
looking down on me
with their smug little eyes
..and As and Es and Os and Us
and all the consonants.
Yeah, well, you know
Your work might not be up
there with that lot,
but you'll always be remembered
in this house, mate.
We all love your stuff.
It's kind of you to say, Pat,
but let's be honest,
none of you remember a word of it.
Home is not the walls
or the gardens
Home is the souls within those walls
Home is the memories made
on this spot.
That's Fanny's poem!
I'm not even the best poet
in this house!
Annabel!
Annabel?
I'll just leave it here.
Whoo!
Whoo! Whoo!
Whoooooo!
Yes! Whoo!
Hiya. Hi. What can I get you?
Tequilas! Please.
Yeah. Oh, yeah, please. Sorry.
And a shot of water,
but also with salt and lime.
Right, so one shot of water
and one tequila?
No, no, still two tequilas because
he's our designated drinker.
Wow. Good luck.
Yeah! Whoo!
Coopers! Yes!
All right! Hello.
Hi! Bring it in. Hi.
This is Mike and Alison.
And, guys, this is Brenda.
Nice to meet you, Brenda. Hi.
Sorry, it was?
Brenda. Yes, that's what
I thought you said.
Brenda. Nice to meet you.
Brenda?
Right. Drinks!
Brenda? Yes, please.
White wine for me. OK.
Large white wine.
And he'll have a tequila.
Actually, I might have a wine.
What do you have
in the way of whites?
Not too dry, but flinty.
We've got that one or that one.
Then the Sauvignon, please.
We're into wine.
OK. Yeah, that.
And four more tequilas, please.
Whoa! And another water.
I haven't had these two yet.
All right, well,
you'd better get on it.
We may
allow ourselves
a brief period of rejoicing.
I was commanding officer!
Right, line dancing!
Well, now there's not even a hyphen!
Hello?!
Captain?
Anyone?
It only works
if we're all together.
Yes, got it!
Humphrey?
I made you whole again!
Yeah!
Atomic Kitty.
Yeah. Oh, I'd love that.
Sounds amazing.
Absolutely, I'd love to.
She's lovely, then.
What?
I said, "She's lovely."
It never used to be
this loud in here.
I think it did.
I think it did!
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I suppose. Yeah.
Suppose that's the point, isn't it?
Maybe we should go and dance.
Um, actually, I think
we're going to head off.
What?
I said I think
we're going to head off!
I heard you, but, no, you can't.
We We're being wild and crazy.
We've got early starts tomorrow.
I'm going to Ikea
and Brenda's got this
I've got a bank manager
meeting first thing.
Oh, God. Boring!
What for?
Because I'm a bank manager.
OK, well, you can't just go,
because Mike's already gone
to get more drinks.
I don't think he has.
Yeah, he's been drinking
for two all night
and, well, he's been gone
a really long time.
Right, whatever you're doing
in there, stop it and open up.
Five minute
All right, I'm coming in.
What are you doing in there?
I'm having a nap.
I've been a bouncer for nine years,
and this might be the saddest thing
I've ever seen.
Mate, go home.
Yeah.
What time is it?
Ten past 11.
What?
What happened to me?
You got old, mate.
Can't sleep?
Too much energy.
Not enough dancing.
You're not worried, then,
about what Robin said?
Oh, no, siree!
I ain't worried an eensy li'l bit.
Right, it's just you keep slipping
into an American accent, Pat.
Hell no! No, siree, I
Oh, my God, I do. Mmm.
I haven't done that
since I were in the queue
for Black Hole at Alton Towers.
Carol thought I was having a stroke!
It's me fear response, apparently.
Hmm.
I don't know, mate.
What if he's right?
I mean, I don't know
the rules to all this.
None of us do.
But if one of us
is going to go today
and there's only 18 minutes
of today left and, well
Do you want to know something?
I scared!
Me too.
I tried to dismiss it,
but some part of me must believe it.
I mean, I've considered some
pretty desperate things today.
Yes. I, too, have found myself
musing on mortality.
Oh, yeah? Hmm.
What have you been up to?
Oh, you know,
just thinking about the Bible.
You're awake too?
Good.
I wanted to say sorry, Pat,
about earlier.
It's just so very hard knowing
I leave no legacy when I go.
Oh, Thomas
We might not remember
your poems, but
But we'd remember you.
Not so tight on
the arrow, mate!
Sorry! Sorry.
Well, well, well, well.
All got there in the end, eh?
Can't argue with the math.
Oh! Everyone back together.
All ready for the off.
And speaking of back together
- Ta-da!
- Humphrey!
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
There he is.
Oh, dammit!
I've got it. I've got it.
It is nice to be together
again at last.
Ha.
You know, it's funny,
this is all I wanted, really.
When I died,
I didn't get to be surrounded
by the people I loved, but now
..well
..I'm ready.
Yes.
Ready.
Well, no, actually.
If this is it for me, then
..well, there's something
I have to tell you.
Where to begin?
It was 1945.
I'd been posted to Weymouth
since the end of '44,
but when Berlin fell,
I heard chatter on the wires
about an event being held
at my old command, Button House.
It's a veterans' event, sir.
Decorated officers only.
If you're not on my list
I was commanding officer here!
I've got my orders, sir.
Very well.
You've heard
about these things
Such and such horsepower or
If it have horsepower,
where is horse? Ah!
Of course,
knowing the house as I did,
it was simple enough to find
an alternative entrance.
Hey!
Ah.
Not my most dignified moment,
but I HAD to be there.
Which meant I HAD to blend in.
Oh!
Oh! Terribly sorry. Oh, so
Captain! Ha! Is that you?
Cartwright, good Lord.
Wah! I haven't seen you
since, what, '42?
Gosh, must be. Yes.
Sorry, I've just
Never had you down
as front-line material.
Where were you posted?
Oh, well
Forward Command, actually. Yeah.
Versailles. Versailles?
I was in Versailles!
You weren't in Versailles.
Were you in Versailles?
Well, briefly,
before I moved to, um
To where?
Sorry, I really must just
That's not even the right way up.
What?
What are you trying to pull here?
Erm Ha.
Well, the thing is, I
Sorry, I No, no.
Explain yourself, man!
What's all this?
My old CO, sir.
Never left Blighty,
trying to pass himself off
as the bally hero.
No, please, I, erm
Where did you get these?
Hmm? No, I, erm
I I can
How dare you?!
Have you no shame?
What's wrong with that man?
Sir! Sir!
Huh?
Well, fetch a medic!
Medic?
Are you all right? I'm sorry.
I had to find you.
I'm here.
I
I
I know.
Anthony
James
I was no hero.
Perhaps.
But you are a brave man.
Yeah. Yeah.
Indeed.
I'm ready.
Actually, thinking about it,
it might be tomorrow.
Last time I'm listening to you!
Thinking about the numbers
So, what do we do now?
Well, we are all together.
OK, so it wasn't the perfect night.
You could say that.
Maybe if Hannah had been there,
it would have
It wouldn't. Let's face it.
You can't recreate a good time.
They just happen.
Like a little bit of magic.
It's either there or it's not.
Yeah, well, I wanted the magic.
Hey. There'll be more magic.
I know it won't be the same
once there's three of us,
but we're going to have
the best times.
Loads of them.
And I don't know what they'll be
or when they'll happen
..but isn't that the joy of it?
You're really wise sometimes.
I've had a lot of tequila.
Achy Breaky Heart
by Billy Ray Cyrus
# He might blow up and kill this man
# Ooh #
- Hey, hey, hey!
- Alison!
Come on, join in!
Come and join us! Come on, Alison!
Join in!
What?
# Don't tell my heart,
my achy breaky heart
# I just don't think he'd understand
# And if you tell my heart,
my achy breaky heart
# He might blow up and kill this man
# Ooh
# You can tell your ma
I moved to Arkansas #
Are we still on?
# Or you can tell your dog
to bite my leg
# Or tell your brother Cliff #
I should warn you,
I'm riddled with plague.
You only live once.
# Don't tell my heart #
I mean, Christ knows what I've got.
# I just don't think he'd understand
# And if you tell my heart,
my achy breaky heart
# He might blow up and kill this man
# Ooh
# Whoo! #