Ghosts (2019) s05e06 Episode Script

Last Resort

- What should I say?
- I don't know.
Whatever you like.
Hello, Bumpy. I'm Katherine.
Who's your favourite
Spice Girl? Over.
Shh! Trying to listen to this!
What, the business news?
Yeah. I like to keep an eye
on the markets.
Track my investments.
You don't have any investments,
You're dead.
For your information,
I've just added an exciting
new fund to my portfolio.
Oh. I set him up an account,
and I put in a fiver.
And it's already up to £5.73.
That's a 15% yield. Yeah.
"King Midas", they used to call me
because everything
I touched turned to
..fundamental downturn
Oh, damn and blast!
Switch it off, Alison.
Let's go over to Rachel
for today's
We don't want to miss
What? But you can't even
feel the heat.
Or the cold. Oranything.
So, as I was saying, Melanie B
is the first
I just saw the baby.
Yeah, well, that's where it lives.
No, I mean, I saw everything.
Oh, Alison, you're having
No, no, no. No.
We don't want to know the sex!
- No, no, no, no, no.
- Do you mind?
We're trying to watch this.
Mm. Mm-mm.
Mr Cooper.
Charles Worthing here,
Worthing, Cole and
Yeah. Yeah. Charlie, hi.
Have you heard from the golf guys?
I just got off the phone with them,
and there's good news
and there's bad news.
OK. Um What's the good news?
The consortium have pulled
the offer.
You're kidding me?
What the hell is the bad news?!
No, I I'm sorry.
I thought you'd ask
for the bad news first,
so I've written it down
in that order.
The good news, bad news
format was a mistake.
OK. So what's the good news?
Basically, your bar idea
got them thinking.
They no longer just want a course.
They're now proposing
a full-scale golf resort -
bar, hotel, health spa, the works.
Oh, my G
So, what does that mean for us?
They want it all, Michael -
to buy the house
AND grounds in its entirety.
Buy them?
She's just so
Rather gusty here.
..humidity, which means
there'll be pressure building
between two fronts.
We can see more clouds
How many times?!
Easy on the stairs!
You're kidding. You're kidding.
No. No.
Well, what did he say,
Just that. They want the
grounds for the golf course
and the house for the hotel and bar.
So, a complete buyout.
How much? I don't know.
He said they're just gauging
interest in principle for now,
but he reckons
it'll be a substantial offer.
Like - big money.
Pay off our debts.
Give us a little nest egg.
This could solve
all of our problems.
Oh, God, this is not going
to be an easy
OK. Whatever you do,
do not let the ghosts
..get wind of this.
Oh, yeah, I know. I'm not an idiot.
They're here, aren't they?
Mm-hm. They know, don't they?
I told them, didn't I?
All right, guys.
Guys, guys, guys Hey!
We've We've barely had any
time to take this in ourselves,
let alone make a decision.
I mean, obviously,
we have to have a conversation
I meant
I meant a conversation with Mike.
Right. Well, Mike's involved
Without you.
Let's go for a walk.
How could she even consider
such a thing?
This is Button House.
It needs to stay in the family!
Family, family, family!
Although, to be fair,
also money, money, money.
Could she really leave me?
I mean, us.
No! Not on my watch!
I'm going to make her love me
so much that she never leaves.
I'll be extra kind and nice
and sweet and caring,
and I won't put my head
in her belly.
Kitty's right.
Excluding the last bit.
Now, if we want her to stay,
we have to make staying
seem like
the most attractive option.
..Be Really, Really Nice.
Walk to where? I don't know.
Just get out the house.
Mm-hm. Away from all the
Yeah. Yeah.
Just weigh up the pros and cons
quietly, without all the drama.
She left me.
Come on, mate.
We'd just gone halves
on a sandwich toaster!
Hi, Alison.
It's me, Kitty.
Yeah, I know.
If this is about the house, we
Oh, that? No, no.
I've forgotten all about that.
No, I wanted to assure you,
as a friend,
as your best friend,
that the secret's safe with me.
You know, about the baby's sex.
Oh. I won't tell a soul.
And believe me, I can keep a secret.
I've kept some
for hundreds of years.
Even some really juicy ones,
like the one about my friend
Oooh, the one who poisoned
the mayor's cat?
How could you know that?
Because you told me, Kitty.
Oh, right.
Well, this will be different.
One of those real
never-tell-a-soul secrets,
like that Robin and Mary thing.
What Robin and Mary thing?
Oh, nothing. Nothing. W
Kitty, did you find?
I don't know any secrets!
I know that sob.
I thought things were going
well with you and, uh
Brenda. ..Brenda. Yeah.
So did I.
Then, today, out of the blue,
she just sends me this text -
"This isn't working."
Out of nowhere.
A text? Mm-hm.
That's cold. She didn't say why?
Just that it's been weird for ages,
and she needed something new.
Like someone else?
Oh, God!
The cousin. It'll be the cousin.
OK. You need some answers.
Call her.
I've tried. She won't pick up.
Just have some rest, yeah?
You look tired.
He thought she understood him.
I thought she understood me.
I know, mate.
There, there. It's all right.
The first 100 years are the worst.
Actually, the next 100
are quite bad, too.
How's he doing?
Yeah, not great. I think he's going
to have a nap,
so maybe we could sneak off
for a minute. Have that chat?
I should probably
I'll tell you what -
why don't we both make a list,
the pros and cons of staying,
then compare them later?
OK. Great idea.
I mean, yes, it's distressing,
but you haven't been shot
in the stomach.
What has she said now?
Slightly less than the melodrama
would have you believe.
Jeez, Louise! Can we please have
less sneaking up
on the pregnant woman?
Yes. Sorry. Of course.
Anything I can do to help.
In fact, that's why
I'm here, actually.
Just to say, if there's
anything I can do to help,
to help you in any way,
you only need ask. Anything.
You know, not chores,
obviously, or anything manual.
You know? No lifting or carrying
or anything that involves
physical contact of any kind.
But that asideanything.
Anything. Well
Yeah. Well, that pretty much
counts out everything
that might be helpful to
a heavily pregnant woman.
So, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No.
Real smooth!
What's it to you?
I don't know. What is,
what is it to me to you?
What? What?
I know what this is about. What?
It's Rachel, isn't it?
Off the weather.
You're jealous. Jealous?
That's right.
You know that a sophisticated
lady like Rachel
would never be interested
in an old fossil like you,
and it's eating you up inside.
She'd want a modern man.
A rad dude, drives a Datsun,
eats Caramac.
Or maybe she prefers someone
a little more rugged.
Huh? You know, rough around
the edges.
A bad boy.
Not some goody-goody-two-shoe
with your little shorts
and your tiny toggle.
It's a woggle!
As you would know, if you had
one iota of intelligence.
Ohh! You see, it requires a certain
degree of intellect to communicate
on a level with someone like Rachel,
with her southern oscillation
and her tightly packed isobars!
And with the best will
in the world, Robin,
you're not exactly
the sharpest tool in
The square of the hypotenuse
to a right-angled triangle
is equal to the sum of the
square of the other two sides.
So, you can parrot a bit
of Fibonacci
That Pythagoras.
Hold up, clever dick!
What's the capital of Indonesia?
What are you doing?
Oh. Just redistributing some assets.
Just made a cool 17K.
That says 17p.
What do you want, Kitty?
Don't mind me. You carry on.
Such a lovely thing to do
for Alison.
A little nest egg for the baby.
Yes. Minus my commission,
And while I can't say anything
specific about the baby,
I'm sure that if the baby could,
then the baby would thank you
for doing this for him.
Him?! Oh, no! What have I done?
Pros and cons.
Now, Alison No.
No, what? No to whatever it is
you're going to say
about families and houses
and bloodlines.
We haven't even discussed it yet,
so I don't want a lecture about
a decision no-one's made.
Quite right. You take all the time
you need.
What? And whatever you decide
will be for the best, I'm sure.
Um OK.
Now, how are you?
Hmm? You look well.
Positively blooming.
And that shawl. What a delight.
What's happening?
The fit is quite sublime,
and the hue really brings out
the colour of your eyes.
Stop it. Whatever this is,
can you stop it?
Stop what, Alison? I'm merely
making conversation.
It's creepy. Oh, my God,
what's wrong with your mouth?
I'm smiling, Alison.
People like smiles.
Well, stop it. You're making my skin
go weird.
I'm just being pleasant, Alison.
Is it so hard to believe
that I could be pleasant?
Um I've been being pleasant
since before you were born,
young lady, and I will not have
my naturally breezy demeanour
called into question
by the likes of you!
It's absolutely outrageous!
And take off those boots!
You look like a strumpet!
Good morning, Alison,
and may I just say
Out! Understood.
I miss her hair.
Her perfume.
Her feet.
You said feet.
You've already said feet.
The way her eyes crinkle
when she smiles.
All eyes do that.
Her feet.
Oh, good God, man, it's been
for ever! Get over it!
Stop fawning over her
like a lovesick puppy!
You're embarrassing yourself!
Mike Oh, Alison.
You're looking radiant.
Is now a good time to compare lists?
Um, yeah. He's just riffing anyway.
I don't think he'll notice I'm gone.
Just abandoned. Again.
My whole life!
Why do people always abandon me?
You're on your own, mate.
Alison, a moment, please.
Hello, Lady Button.
Kitty. Are you well?
Not particularly.
I tried to endear myself
to Alison, as we agreed, but
Well, you've probably never
noticed this, Kitty,
but occasionally I betray
a slightly barbed demeanour.
Well, we all have our flaws.
And I'm sure Alison knows deep down
how much you care for her.
Do you think so? Of course.
You're giving up your room
to be the nursery.
What could be more selfless? Yes.
Yes, I suppose you're right.
I can see it now.
A cot in the corner,
a chest full of teddies,
and all painted blue.
Blue?! For a boy?! Oh, my goodness!
What's wrong with me?
You're here. Good. Oh, and Kitty's
here, too. Even better.
Now, we were wondering
if you would settle, um
..I wouldn't say a disagreement.
I would. Right. You see, Robin
and I have been discussing
what might constitute an ideal
day out with a female companion.
A woman. A lady friend. Woman.
What the Americans might
call a date.
I don't approve of them.
What, dates?
Right. OK.
Well, that's All we'd like you to
do is just judge
which nice day out with a lady
sounds better to you,
from a female point of view.
Oh, what fun! I see.
So, my pitch is a day at the beach.
I love the beach.
Oh, it's perfect.
Yes. I'll marry you, Pat.
All right, Kitty.
There's more to it than that.
There is? Yes.
We meet at the station.
I got some flowers
from the Londis.
We're getting trains, see, so we can
have a couple of those.
Then it's straight to the beach
for fish and chips.
Mushy peas, if she likes 'em.
We'll stroll down the prom for a 99,
and then we'll sit on the pebbles
..and have a box of white wine.
The good stuff, mind.
And then, we'll watch the
sun go down.
You what?!
Flowers? With my hay fever?
And I certainly wouldn't
travel by train.
And peas should not be mushy
any more than wine belongs in a box.
The whole thing sounds ghastly!
All right! Well, let's hear yours!
Rummaging for grubs and then
back to the cave, is it?
We take a carriage
to Simpson's in the Strand.
The pre-theatre menu
but with champagne -
Dumont, Laurent
Then on for dry Martinis
at Claridge's. I've booked ahead.
Robin wins. Yes!
Oh, well done, Robin.
You just wooed a 170-year-old woman.
Excuse me! And Kitty liked mine.
Well, best of three, then!
Ah, perfect.
I'm doing him a snack,
so we've got a couple of minutes.
So, obviously, I've got ghosts.
Yeah, me, too. Yeah.
In which column?
Yeah, me, too. I've still to do my
cons cos I'm struggling.
..I'm fortunate, nay blessed
Ghost? Ghosts. share your home OK.
..with such devoted
and contented companions.
I will catch you later.
If you would.
Imagine a life where you wake
up in the morning
to find you haven't been
written a poem.
A life without seeing
this face every day.
You see?
Even now, I'm in your thoughts.
Why, you have idly scribed my name.
Pray tell, what is a con?
It meansconfident.
And I am
Confident that you will make
the right choice.
Guys! How many times?
Yeah. Sorry, Alison.
We've just got a little favour to
ask if you've got two minutes.
Well, I mean, I do, I Good.
See, Pat think we need modern
lady to judge lady things.
Lady things? Yeah.
We've both got our eye on
Rachel the weather girl,
but we can't agree on who'd win her.
So, I'm going in with a day
at the beach.
You know, fish and chips,
Mr Whippy, the works.
No, no, no, no. To win a girl like
that, you're talking
dinner at the Strand,
champagne, oyster cocky-tail.
No, no. Stop. Stop, stop, stop.
This is ridiculous. Well, yeah.
I did try to tell him. Don't
I mean, both of you.
Firstly, you're dead people fighting
over a woman off the telly.
Secondly, this whole competition
feels kind of demeaning.
She's not a piece of meat.
Yeah! We know that.
She's a lady. Yeah.
You know, a lovely,
unique human lady.
Human lady.
Well, what's her full name?
McGill! So close!
She's not a possession
that either of you can win,
even if you were alive.
She's a smart, successful woman
who deserves more respect
than either of you
are showing her right now.
She's right.
Share? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, Captain, can I ask your advice?
Ah, Katherine. Yes, of course.
In the war, you had
to keep secrets, yes?
Well, I I couldn't possibly
say, Kitty.
Yes. Right.
So, how do you do it? Keep a secret.
It turns out I'm not quite as
good at it as I thought I was.
Ah, I see. Well, it's actually
pretty straightforward.
Just don't allow yourself to be
pulled into any conversations
about the offending issue,
which in this case is?
The baby being a boy.
Oh! You see?
Good Lord! You're an
interrogator's dream.
Well, I think
in your particular case,
it's best if you keep your
conversations focused
entirely on the other person,
thus avoiding the risk
of any accidental divulgence.
Try it. Try it now. Try it.
Hello, you two. Hello.
What have you been up to?
Well, we had a little
falling-out, didn't we, Robin?
A lovers' tiff.
Yeah, but it's all patched up now.
Honestly, you boys!
I said boy. Like baby boy.
The baby's a boy!
Oh, I can't stop doing it!
What's up with?
Panic over. They're staying.
What? KITTY: Are they?
Alison and I had
a little tete-a-tete and
..well, let's just say I'm confident
she won't be going anywhere.
Oh, that's a relief. Well done,
Thomas. Nice one.
Ironic, isn't it? All this effort
to keep her here.
It only seems like yesterday
that they arrived here
and we couldn't wait
to get them out.
That's right. True.
Julian even pushed Alison
out of the window!
- He absolutely did
- What?
Now, listen, let's not be too ha
Oh, my God. What have you done?
Well, don't look at me!
Julian pushed her!
He's right. Julian,
you have to fix this at once.
What? Our efforts are for nothing
now this hangs over us.
It's murder, Julian.
Attempted murder.
I'm going to be sick.
You have to make this right.
Yeah. It's all on you.
Just take a bite.
I can't.
It just reminds me of her.
She loves lettuce.
Hello. Obi's phone.
I'm not here.
Just a second.
Brenda? Hey! You all right?
Of course I'm not all right.
Oh, God. What's wrong?
What do you think? I've been dumped.
Huh? By who?
By you.
Erm, I didn't dump you.
Yes, you did.
Obi, I'd know if I'd dumped you.
You said, "This isn't working,"
and, "It's been weird for ages."
Yeah. My phone.
But you said, "I think I
need something new."
Yeah, a new phone.
But you said, "Don't call.
"I need some time
to figure this out."
Yeah, to get a new phone.
Cos mine stopped receiving calls.
I told you that yesterday.
Oh, yeah.
You did.
..are we back together?
We never broke up.
Though I suppose
I could pretend we did,
you know, if you wanted
tomake up?
Uh Dude, I got to go.
I'm going to call you later.
Brenda. Brenda
We're taking the deal.
No, no, no. Never say sorry.
That's the first rule of politics.
But you've done it before.
You've sung it before.
That was different.
We all did that together.
Never be in a minority.
Second rule of politics.
To Hades with your rules, sir!
You need to apologise, man.
Oh, yeah.
Like a simple sorry
is going to make this right.
You'd be surprised.
There's nothing so bad
that it can't be fixed
with a sincere apology.
Oh, really?
Hello, Pat.
Morris here.
I'm so sorry
I slept with your wife, mate.
That's all right
And thank you for your apology,
you f-f-f-f-f
..fine fellow.
Now you try.
OK, what have they said now?
It's not what they said.
It's just
It doesn't matter why.
We need to leave.
I just Just trust me.
And I sincerely apologise if you
feel in some way aggrieved
by the actions that are alleged
That's not an apology,
damn your eyes!
I'm trying here!
My list is, like, 95% cons.
It's just Are you sure
about this?
There are no second chances
here, Julian.
Don't just say it.
You must mean it.
Please don't let her go.
"We will gladly consider the
sale of the house and grounds
"in their entirety."
I've got nothing to say to you.
Just one minute, please
I beg of you.
Just one minute.
..the thing is
I am
I am
I'm not sorry, actually.
In fact, I'm glad.
Yeah, I'm glad I did what I did,
because were it not for that,
you would never have met us,
and our lives would be poorer
for it Deaths! Deaths!
Look, I'm not proud of
my actions, Alison.
Of course I'm not.
But I can't pretend to regret them
when they brought with them this
This gift that we could have
waited a lifetime for.
1,000 lifetimes.
I'm glad you found us, Alison.
And I think, if you're honest
with yourself're glad that we found you.
But you do as you must.
We won't stand in your way.
Someone's still talking?
You OK?
I can't do it.
They're awful.
You are You are awful.
Yeah, I know.
But what are you going to do?
It's family.
I know that your list
was mainly cons, but do you feel about staying?
Honestly, I only had one pro.
But I think it's a goody.
Oooh! The safe!
Well, I mean
What about Erin if it's a girl?
Well, we know it's a
I'm sorry.
Oh! Right, OK, who here knows
the sex of our baby?
I also know. You're kidding!
Does everyone? Yeah.
Alison, I know that Kitty
has been a little indiscreet
in regard to this issue,
but ensuring a battalion keeps
a vital secret
is exactly what I trained for.
You have my personal assurance
that until this baby is born,
no-one in this house will let slip
any detail about the little lad.
Damn it. So, it's a boy, then.
What? Damn it.
This is all my fault!
I'm so sorry, Alison.
I couldn't help but see.
You couldn't miss it.
It was just so long.
Yes. All coiled around him
like a giant spring.
Like a
Kitty, I think you saw
the umbilical cord.
The what?
The The tube that gives
it all its nutrients
when it's inside me.
It does what? Let me see.
Now let's take a look at
what the weather has in store.
The outlook's about to get
a little sunnier.
Live from our new weather centre in
Salford, it's Richard Hanratty.
How are things looking
for the weekend, Richard?
Richard? Oh! Oh, turn
it off, Alison.
No, no. No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no
Let's not be too hasty.
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